PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:20:36 GMT -8
I finally got around to re-making my snark thread from the old forums. xD The first couple pages of this thread will be mostly updated re-postings of my snarks of Erin of the Cullen Clan's works. I think I've gotten a wee bit funnier in the past year or two since I wrote some of them, so I've done some editing on them to hopefully make them more enjoyable. As a warning I do tend to swear like a sailor and sometimes end up making gutter jokes and odd references, so if that bothers you, best not tread further. Past Brewdening Love and its spin-offs are newer snarks, including a short YGO/Twilight crossover, and some of Ariana's fics. In the meantime, I've made a set of Brewdening Love icons! They're free for anyone to take and use, just mention that I made them if anyone asks you. I'll try to make more in the future. I've also written numerous Brewdening Love fanfics, which can be found here if one is so inclined.
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Post by Anya the Purple on Sept 17, 2011 8:27:56 GMT -8
YAY Puzzle!Snarks!
(And I got dibs on the "I'm the FBI and I can" icon)
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:29:34 GMT -8
ETA: Ninja!Anya ahoy! xD Thanks, I'm glad you liked the icons! The FBI one is one of my favorites too. x3 So to start us off, here's Brewdening Love, chapters 1 and 2: Both originally snarked 8/29/09 You’re Twilight? Great! Now I can finally achieve my dream of punching those books in the face! The moment a fic starts off with chat-speak and random babble I already know it'll be bad. (On the other hand, the fact that she spelled Genesis right is a bit of a miracle.) WHOA WHOA BACK THE TRUCK UP. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there something in the Bible about God being numero uno and that all other gods need not apply? So wouldn’t Erin/Joan, by saying that she thinks Eddikins is a god but not the Big G, basically be saying there are other gods on par with God? Isn’t that a first-class sin right there? Can it be a crime to insert author's notes into the story? Please? I really think these people need to be arrested and sent to some sort of fiction-boot-camp. I'm all for creative expression, but this isn't creative, it's annoying and self-serving. Also, I suspect that the Big G wouldn't tell people to fuck off. And if he did, he'd use proper spelling. I'm honestly not sure what she's babbling about at the end. I'm guessing she hates fat people. ...Is this girl speaking English? Oh, I get it! She's comparing her hair to a rabbit hopping for attention...no, wait, my bad. For a second there I thought she was trying to clumsily use a writing device, but in fact she's just stupid. Moving on. Would a "that's what she said?" comment be inappropriate here? (The fuck am I talking about, that’s-what-she-said comments are never inappropriate. xD) For someone who claims to be all spiritual, this girl is seriously coming across as a self-absorbed bitch. The lord might teach us to forgive, but I'm pretty sure he never taught us to judge someone by how wet they make our panties. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Again, I want to arrest people who hit the reader over the head going, "Lookie! Foreshadowing! Look what I did!" (Note from the future: This actually foreshadows absolutely nothing.) Also, the last bit makes no sense. If I haven't read the books somehow I'd know something that's in the books...? For some reason the word "brewding" makes me giggle. Probably because I start thinking about lolcats and "fewd" and I adore lolcats and I'm sort of hungry now that I'm thinking about fewd... This is a perfectly reasonable question. (Emphasis mine) STALKER ALERT. Because every relationship based entirely on looks always works out great. Also, our protag seems to have gender-flipped. She wants to be Edward's boyfriend. Hey, I'm of the opinion that slash makes everything better, so I won't complain. Yeah, 'cause you just changed from a hot chick to a hot guy. I'd be looking away in confusion as well. I don't get these notes at all. "Happi ass?" I don’t…bwuh? ------ For a religious person, she sure can't spell the names of two way important people from her religion's past correctly. Probably because they're just puny humans and not beautiful sparklepires. They were a bit chubby too, weren't they? Because back then standards of beauty were different? She hates fat people, so that might also explain it. First, she says there are no reviews, then proceeds to rant about a flame, (which was very mild for a flame.) Last I checked, that still counted as a review. But five people hating is A-okay! There are some pretty lulz-y typos there. Heathen =/= Heaven. I think those two things are opposites. xD Edward is much "three" and we've all become proponents of a new activity called Reeding. I'm guessing it involves swamps. Carroter? CARROTER? Is this some sort of throw-back to the "hare" typo? (I suppose I should just be happy she’s not calling them “charroters” yet.) Oh, God got your call, and put you on hold hours ago. He's got better people to listen to, plus he's busy playing Plants vs. Zombies and checking his Facebook. Apparently Jonathan and David both just changed their statuses to “it’s complicated.” Those boys and their drama, I swear. They should just admit their rad bromance to the world, am I right or am I right? Erin's name is now Erni - probably she decided she needed a more masculine name to go along with that gender-switch at the end of the first chapter. Also, best. Typo. Ever. EDWOOD. |D Everyone, join me in some immature snickering, please. More stuff about sex, too...last time I checked, lust was a sin. ...I'm not even sure what to make of her reasoning. Hot and Christian = everyone likes you? What if he's an Atheist? Or Jewish? Or anything else? Ultimate irony here: She said her character was Joan, right? Check out the name she gives: ERIN. So much for not being a self-insert. Oh gods this next paragraph gives me a headache just to look at it. This is literally how this paragraph makes me feel: It makes my brain hurt. Really. I just...I don't know where...I can't...GAH. *headdesk* Random brand-name dropping, useless description, names like Japper, typos...also, love the gratuitous homophobia. Real nice. I should have seen it coming, I guess. Lulz, I just finally got the "hymn" thing. It's a religious pun. Obviously intentional, because there is no way you could typo "him" as "hymn" so many times. You already said your name was Erin. And let's check off another tally on the Mary Sue list - long, ridiculous name. (I find it interesting that in fandom we’ve completely dropped the ‘e’ from her surname.) Last I checked, nice religious girls didn't say things like "you're hot and I like you a fuckload." Just...you put down "whores" but say things like that? No. You lose. That's not how it works. I'm not even Christian and I know this, and I'm personally feeling very insulted for all the Christian people I know right now. /rant I wouldn’t be happy either, Edward. *pats* Wooo, now SOMEONE has a pretty high opinion of herself. Wasn't there something about pride in that list of sins? *snerks* Another excellently-placed typo. I'm not sure what to make of the last line. Camp? Like...supposedly you-go-there-gay-and-come-back-straight camp? B| Where is this camp? And where can I find the people who invented it so that I can punch them in their faces with grenades? *raises hand* Ooh, hi, over here! I already have a ten-page long list of reasons. Do you want to borrow it? I'm not even gonna touch the bit about something being wrong with her. No. I'd be here all night if I did. You weren't being friendly, you were being forward, pushy, desperate, and loose. None of these things are attractive. Though I suppose my evil lesbian advice isn't wanted...you'll just send me off to that mysterious camp. You've known him for half a day, you asshat. When you find yourself murdered and dumped alongside the road by whatever hot brooding guy you meet next, I sincerely hope St. Peter gives you a good long talking-to. What the fuck on a rocketship is an “orsum?” I'm guessing a cross between an organism, an opossum, and an orgasm. >.> That’s what I think.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:49:13 GMT -8
Brewdening Love Chapter 3 -- originally snarked 9/2/09 What do you think is going to happen in this chapter? Is there a chance that a bus might try to collide with Joan, in a possible collision, if you will? Nah, I don’t think so either. Says the girl telling people to fuck off. Let us review: "If you have something bad to say, you're a meanie." "Spread love!" "Be nice to all!" "Fuck off!" One of these is not like the other. Angle wings, huh? Can I slather 'em in barbeque sauce and eat them on Independence Day? 'Cause if not, they're fairly pointless. (also I thought they were M's.) This kind of system would make signing up for classes so much simpler. Hot Dude's in this class, so I want it! What, that other required course? Screw it, Hot Dude's not in it. Okay. Sure. Why not? That makes more sense than most of the crap in this fic so far. ...Amy Lee has black hair on the cover my Evanescence CD. =| Aside from the fact that she IS Christian, how can you *look* a religion? I mean...I guess there are stereotypes, but still, those don't mean anything. I knew several Christians in high school, and one stands out to me as a good example- wore black all the time, dyed her hair crazy colors, walked around listening to heavy rock music, had a bunch of piercings, and routinely scared old ladies who would spot her and think she was some kind of evil devil child. In truth, she volunteered regularly for her Christian church. One cannot be judged on looks alone. u_u Enquieered? Is that like engineering and inquiring at the same time? Please say it isn't, Joan as an engineer is a scary thought. Edwerd Collin, huh? Okay everyone, we were mistaken, this isn't a Twilight fic at all. This Collin kid is the love interest instead. Errotically?! I'm going to assume she was going for "erotically." I'm also not going to bother asking how that's possible, and will just skip ahead to point out once again that lust is a sin. Holy fuck, you don't even KNOW these people! Also: "meat." *snickers* There's something about this fic that makes me see dirty allusions everywhere in it. He...lives in...the mountain? Holy crap, something original! As an aside, "smelling" at one's friend sounds kind of rude. Cold smill cumming for him? Huhwut? Also, mood swings are sexy! Not. "Jap" is often considered an offensive slang. Must you compare everyone to some sort of stereotype? =| I don't blame him, I wouldn't want her cumming near me, either. Think of the STDs she probably has if she chases after every hot guy she sees like this! Plus, she met him TODAY and is already coming on to him this heavily, calling him sexy even though they haven't even had a conversation. I would be screaming and running away very fast as well. She's only one step away from showing up at his bedside with a knife screaming, "if I can't have you, no one can!" A noise like a bus coming toward you? Okay, well, that could be a lot of things. It might mean a skydiver is falling toward you. Or it might mean it’s going to snow next week. It might even mean an angel got its (inedible) wings. But the one thing we can be completely sure of is that it’s definitely not a bus coming toward her– HOLY CRAP ON TOAST, EVERYTHING IS SO SHOCKING. A big bus coming to run over Joan isn't good? On the contrary, I think it's the best thing that's happened so far. I'm just wondering why there's a fucking BUS in the student parking lot. Buses weren't allowed in the student parking lot when I was in school. Emphasis mine again. You get three guesses what happens next chapter. None of them count.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 9:25:15 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 4 -- originally snarked 9/4/09 Let's update: She's added another chapter and has apparently decided to ignore the "sinnars." I'm not really sure who she's talking to in her notes though...considering that thus far she's gotten no good reviews. On to chapter four. Did you...bag her...? O.o? Considering your rampant homophobia I'm going to assume you didn't? She's only rude to people who are rude to her? So she just blanket-insults entire religious and groups of people in her story, but that's not rude? GUYS. GUYS THE BUS STOPPED! The bus stopped! And it has a dent! Like OMG, who didn't see that coming?! I am stunned, people. Stunned. Jenny was creaming. Girl's got some sick kinks if she gets off on seeing people almost die. He got out of the bus to apocalypse. TO APOCALYPSE. brb laughing my ass off. This paragraph is priceless! I read that as "amoeba eyes" the first time. It also sounds sort of like his eyes have popped out of his head and are lying in the "doost" all disembodied and stuff. xDD Hugo's here! Hi Hugo! Aw, don't look so sad. I know things are bad now but I think your life will get a lot better soon. In the meantime would you like a hug? Er...wait, you ignore him so that he doesn't get annoyed? Personally, if I was a father, I'd be more annoyed that my kid was ignoring me! Not even a, "how was your day, Dad?" Bitch. ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA. Seriously, it was funny at first but now I'm starting to get mad. I want to call up my Christian friends and get them to hunt this girl down. HOLY SHIT. *grabs gun and blows Edward away* No, wait, that would be a normal reaction to realizing that some guy you only met that day has snuck into your room. Supplies. SUPPLIES. He...giggled? Weird mental images... Um, he snuck into your room. YOUR ROOM. AT NIGHT. WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. That doesn't mean that he likes you, it means that he's a crazy obsessive stalker! Love how she's too lazy to think of what they talk about. I also don't think Mr. Control will take to being coddled. Because he's a nutter? I had a dream last night that the Fruit Roll-Up company had made Twilight-related pennant-shaped roll-ups. And they had words like "stalker" and "slave" and "obsessed" on them. And that we sold them at this store that was closing, and my manager gave them to me and I ate them all. Just thought I'd mention that. So now you're putting Edward before God? Real nice. I thought that was one of the big no-nos. Nobody else is placed before God. Right Big G? Back me up here. She's actually spelled his name right a few times a row...maybe there's hope for her after all. He didn't come to your house! He snuck into your room! YOUR FUCKING ROOM! AT NIGHT! WHY CAN'T THE POWER OF MY CAPSRAGE GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SCULL? ...You know what? I think the bus DID hit her. And everything that's happening now is happening in her mind while she lies in a coma. There's more to people than looks...>( Can angels come from heathen? xDDD Also: "I don't want him, so you can have him." "Great! He's like getting the lifetime supply of steak sauce after not winning the car! Awesome!" D8 Red faeces?! Honey, you better get that checked out. On the "soldier," huh? DIRTYYYY. It's called reality, babe. Your story sucks.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 10:07:48 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 5 -- originally snarked 9/5/09 Continuing on in the story of the only "Christian" that anybody who actually does follow Jesus' teachings would like to seriously injure, we find ourselves at chapter five... Promises, promises... You haven't been all that nice to the neighbors, why should we be nice back? I'm guessing her quote refers to fighting back against the flamers? Iunno. Either way, she's definitely a student of SMeyer's teachings considering that now she's starting things out with irrelevant Bible quotes. So wait now, Edward DOESN'T own a car in this one? What about his silver stalkmobile? His Volvo of Great Justice? D= (Anyway, note: He doesn't have a car. Pay attention to that, it's important later.) It was..........................DUMBLYDORE! Sorry. (That's all I could think of. xD Also I don't think I spelled "Enoby's" version of Dumbledore correctly.) What's a "small mountain-y hill?" Isn't that a big bundle of contradictions? I SWEAR there was something about lust in those seven sins. No, really, I'm pretty sure. Good Christian girls don't go around getting it on with a guy they met ONE DAY AGO. Well that's something. I guess. She cares that he seems upset and isn't trying to offer her vagina to him for therapy, so, y'know, that's redeeming. Sorta. Can tears flop? No, really, I'm getting some hilarious mental images here. Also, regarding "brewdingly," I C WUT U DID THAR. This could almost be cute, if I didn't know what was coming next, and if I wasn't distracted by thinking that "otther" looks like "otter" and otters are fucking adorable and cute and so much more awesome than Edward any day. I mean really, look how cute! =3= Even the otter himself is like, "WTF is this shit?!" She actually put in a sad face. In a story that isn't a script-style crackfic. NO. BAD AUTHOR. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. Holy shit, this sentence actually looks NORMAL. No major grammar errors, no typos...wow. I'm almost impressed. Gotta love the random Mary Sue shoe choice insert. Not her "sensible" uggs or "good-for-running-away-from-nutters-with" uggs, but her hawt leather ones. Sheesh. Anyone besides me think that typo is hilarious? Chrisnt? As in chr-isn't? I'll say one thing for her: a Christian she is not, so a "Chrisnt" is a rather appropriate name! Who wants to vote that we make that be her new religion? Chrisn'tanity. It's a religion for Christians who use their religion to be jerks and to hurt people and who, therefore, are insults to actual Christians. Y/Y? Five seconds ago you were saying it wasn't okay. Now you're saying it is. Wut. I swear I think he just called God fat. Is that allowed? Also...a christina vampite? That sounds like the name of an over-the-top character or pop star or something. I totally call dibs on that name! I'm going to have my NaNo character this year use that as an alias at some point. Just you see. Mood-swingy nutcase... WAAAAAANGST. I CRY A SINGLE SHINING TEAR. No, really I think all you care about is that he's hot. Yeah. Gonna go out on a limb here and assume that. Reminder: SHE MET HIM YESTERDAY. WHO THE HELL SAYS THEY LOVE SOMEONE AFTER MEETING THEM THE DAY BEFORE?! Wow. Look at all the intrigue.Hon, it isn't YOU loving him, it's your character, need I remind you? If you're gonna do a self-insert fic, don't make it so damn easy to see the self-insertion. Even SMeyer did a better job of this than you are. No nice reviews for you. No party hat kittens either! So there! (Really. She's got 20 reviews at this point. Only one of them is even remotely charitable, and even that one urges her to take the story down.)
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 10:44:40 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 6 -- originally snarked 9/6/09 Sunshine! This sounds like a nice happy chapter. Maybe it will be full of sparkles and rainbows. I have to admire Erin's perkiness. I've never been in the position where I've written something this awful, so I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I was her, but I'd probably do so badly. Chalk up another piece of evidence for trollhood. What's with the random "naww?" xD; And that, boys and girls, is where Twilight comes from. The end. You had a wet dream about him. Big deal. Lots of people have those. So it's been...let's see, three days since they met I believe? Wow. Three days. Who wants to take bets on how long this would last if they were a real-world couple? Real mature author's note there. -_- And how the hell is THAT continuity?! Bloood~~~ Iunno, the extra "o" amuses me. xD Yes, I know. I'm not an idiot like you. More emoticons in the prose! BAD WRITER. NO COOKIE FOR YOU. And Edward's got a car now. In just the last chapter she pointed out that he DIDN'T have a car. Gah! So much for continuity. Enough with the tons of periods too, that isn't suspenseful. I. Am. Riveted. Are you not absolutely hooked by these amazing details?! Who the hell is MC? (Yes, yes, I know it's Esme.) And, as Phoenix stated, you're a bitch to dismiss his parents as boring after they've been so (apparently) nice to you. As someone who rather likes Relient K's music, I'm feeling insulted right now. Brb I need to rethink the path I'm taking in my life. *looks up from filing nails* Oh wait...was that supposed to be important or something? He's a vampire! They can't work out, they're stuck the way they are when they're vamped! And why the hell do we care what sort of clothing he's wearing?! (Or not wearing?!) Compared to the rest of the fic, this bit is actually passable. OH SNAP IT'S ABOUT TO GET ALL PG-13 UP IN HERE. HIDE YO KIDS. HIDE YO WIFE. Well at least he's got fangs. Also, I fail to see how having one's bra on makes a difference. The guy took your top off. It's...kind of going past the cuddling stage at that point. Is that a diamond in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? I started singing the "Step Off" song from School of Rock in my head at this point. And because our brains all need a break from the Erin!fail, you should all sing it too! I fucking love that movie. *misty eyed* ...Right, snarking. Back to that. |D They've known each other for three days! Three! I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite after making my character in an RP discuss sex with another one on the first day they start dating, but they were discussing it because it would actually affect their relationship in the future. One's asexual and one's sexual. It's a valid point to discuss when deciding if one should get into a relationship or not. This conversation...isn't valid. AKA "Shit, I was so close! Maybe I can still salvage this situation..." DENIED, MOTHERFUCKER. You met three days ago guys, remember? I have issues with abstinence-only teaching anyway, and these sorts of sentiments only make it worse. You want to wait? Wait! You want to have sex? Go ahead and have it (responsibly and safely)! Who gives a flying fuck! But marriage should be about love and commitment, not being horny and wanting to get laid. /SOAPBOX HERO LIKE GUITAR HERO. Girlie, you put an emoticon in your story one more time and I will personally send you to writer's boot camp. >_> So wait...they're allowed to do it even if they aren't married if the alternative is "wasting one's seed?" Now I'm just confused. (Actually, the Onan story in the Bible isn't about masturbation or sex before marriage at all. It's about Onan refusing God's order to have a child and trying to find a way around it. ) I have to admit it's kind of funny to see Eddikins get cockblocked, but I actually feel sorry for him in this fic. Poor guy's stuck with a nutter who's obsessed with him, who led him on, and who is giving off mixed signals like our traffic lights after a hurricane. I really don't blame him for being confused about whether or not he's getting any. Big and sexy, huh? But I always thought that Edward had a small penis. |D Just a few chapters ago, Erin's Joan's father was a fire fighter. Now he's the mayor. Make up your mind! (You're so awesome Hugo!) Also, he seems like a pretty nice guy, right? He made her dinner, he isn't interrogating her at the door about where she's been, he waits for her to sit down for dinner and then asks: A perfectly reasonable parental question when one's daughter comes home late, right? He's really a nice fellow. <3 This won't jive at all with what we see next chapter, leading me to think that Erin decided that Hugo was too friendly and sympathetic of a character and she has to "angst it up". Once again, taking a page from SMeyer's book. Of course, it didn't work, and we all know Hugo's an awesome guy. I find this hilarious, especially after all the gratuitous homophobia she was throwing in before. This fic could be a drinking game. Take a shot every time the girl comes up with a new way to spell Edward's name. You'd be unconscious by now. OH FUCK NO. NEVER. INSULT. HUGO. SMITH. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. /HP reference whee~ No, really, of course he didn't look happy, I wouldn't be happy either if my kid was dating some stranger I'd never met and whom she only just met! But of course she writes him off as an asshole, when he's just being a nice father concerned about her safety. Bitch. I spy an emoticon. That's it. *gets out rope, ties up Erin/Joan, and drags her away to boot camp. "NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES. IF I SEE A SINGLE EMOTICON, I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR COPY OF TWILIGHT AND WILL USE IT FOR FISH WRAP! THEN I'LL SMACK YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE DEAD FISH! NOW GO!" D< She...really sucks at suspense, doesn't she? ._.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:03:28 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 7 -- originally snarked 9/7/09 Onward now to chapter 7. And look! She's uploaded a chapter 8 as well! I'll get to that one later. She's got 23 reviews and still not a "good" review in sight. Which makes the opening of this chapter all the more amusing... I thought it was hilarious that in the chapter-drop-down box when this fic was on ff.net she spelled it "tyres," which is actually a legitimate way to spell "tires" in some places. Family Tires! It sounds like they've got an auto store or something. Yeah, over twenty reviews telling you that it sucks. This is a common gimmick. She's hoping that people will see "23 reviews" and assume that they're good and not bother to check them. Some people think a fic's quality is measured in how many reviews it has, regardless of if they're good or bad. She obviously adheres to that. I'm not a Christian at all and I doubt your faith. The hell, by these standards this girl isn't the real deal either, look at how unkind and bitchy she's been! I have to agree with the "no more 'flemming'" though. Phlegm sucks. I've got some congestion right now, and it's awful. The "ooo's" make me think that she's crooning this out. Like, "Oooo, bear one another's burdens~ Ooooo~" ...Yeah. I SPY ANOTHER EMOTICON. DID YOUR BOOT CAMP EXPERIENCE TEACH YOU NOTHING? Time for Writer's Work Camp. Where not only are you beaten with dead fish, but then you have to eat the dead fish and deal with food poisoning afterwards! WHILE DIAGRAMMING SENTENCES NON-STOP FOR 72 HOURS. See! He's being nice and asking, apparently quite politely, about her relationship. I'm going out on a limb right now and am going to say that she came up with the drinking thing at the last second to angst it up. We've seen no sign until now that he drinks or causes a bad home life because of it. This is a completely out-of-the-blue character trait with all the earmarks of something that's been thrown in randomly. Um, it's kind of your fault for leading him on, only to cockblock him at the last second. Really. Now, are those the words of a bad guy? Really? If my dad ever said that to me about a relationship, (or anything) I'd be so thrilled. He's never said anything like that to me. And my dad DOES drink heavily so I think I know how it goes irl. (Sorry, I didn't mean for this to get all downer-y all of a sudden. D= Um...Hugo! Hugo is awesome! Yeah!) I'm ignoring this. On all accounts her father seems like a nice person who deserves respect. Show us, not tell us you dimwit! ANOTHER EMOTICON. PUZZLE ANGRY! PUZZLE MIND CRUSH STUPID WRITER! Also, her name is "Everyone" and she's now talking to herself. ._. You can practically hear the bitchiness in that statement. I like Rosalie suddenly. ...It's repetitive! And redundant! It's repetitive! And redundant! Because that's...really funny or something? Emmet's the one who gets serious first?! This gal sucks at writing these characters. Now this part pisses me off for a personal reason. I call my best friend Gin-Gin. I am horrified that this chick would write something to make me associate the person I love the most with this awful, terrible fic. It's just not right. Take a good look at this bit, too. She asks if Jenny can go out with Jasper. (We'll just ignore how OOC Jasper is, because that horse is dead and his ashes have been scattered.) Self-centered Mary Sue bitch. ...At this rate I'm going to end up in a mental ward, muttering incoherently about people who use emoticons in the middle of prose. Also - say it with me y'all - "He only hit me because he loves me!" Oh wait. That wasn't really shocking at all. I just wanted an excuse to use that gif. 8D Remember how above she hooked up JASPER and Jenny? Well check out these notes: Emmet and Jenny. She sucks at continuity within a single chapter. I'm not even sure she knows what a creative scenario is, and I'm not holding my breath for the "epic" fight. And who is Jomes?! I thought this was about James! The 'a' and the 'o' are nowhere near each other on the keyboard!
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:27:35 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 8 -- originally snarked 9/8/09 Let us all take a moment to applaud her for finally spelling one of her chapter titles correctly. I bet her lone brain cell is exhausted! THE EXCITING CONCLUSION, GUYS! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? I know I am. I even made cheese sticks for the occasion. That's how ready I am. My amount of readiness would shock the shit out of you. Let's do this. Yes, yes, that's all well and good. Stop nattering already, you're distracting my readiness. Remember everyone, James isn't the villain here, Jomes is. Also, I can tell this is going to be one horrible fight, considering we've got capslock already going on, and that never makes a fight scene better. I like to imagine it as going something like this: Oh teh noes! (That really seems like the only proper response here.) She seems to get worse with her spelling when she's typing an "exciting" scene, too. Who the hell are Iminant and Edsare? I'm guessing Emmett and Edward, but...I'm honestly not sure. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING EMOTICONS OF PUZZLE RAGE, BATMAN! I don't even need to snark this. She's making it so lulzy on its own! Anyone want a cheese stick? And if they don't kick his ass, what will happen? Wait...when did Jenny get here?! Were they at school or something? I honestly don't even remember. xD Yeah, they were at school. Okay. Moving on. Haggled you say? "Hullo Shopkeeper, How much is this Mary Sue?" "Fifty dollars." "I'll give you ten." "Forty." "Twelve, and I'll throw in some pot and a bag of chips so you can get stoned and munch away the memories of how annoying she is." "Sold!" Well that was fast! This girl has been taking more lessons from SMeyer. When it doubt, vacate the scene of the action and go wait around for someone to tell you what happened during the fight. But eating poor defenseless deer is okay? Are they not also God's creatures? Love how she empties out the room for some gratuitous angst/whining/romance time. Whatever happened to Jomes? ...Hehehe, she said "penist." Random author's notes + emoticons make me mad. You wouldn't like me when I'm mad. DDDDDDDD< She gets off on the weirdest of things... I have trouble with your writing, but I'm putting in the effort and sporking it anyway. I DO IT FOR YOU, KIND READERS! EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOUUUUU. And ANOTHER emoticon. She didn't used to include these, they're fairly new to the latter chapters. She must think it adds to the story or something. Hello, first rule of horror movies: When you think the bad guy is dead, HE NEVER FUCKING IS. I totally want to see James (or Jomes) come crashing in right now to ruin their little humming moment. I would laugh. Ooh, is Emmett going to turn out to be a traitor or something? No...wait...that would mean there was some sort of plot. How the hell else would you have gotten there? Oh lawd, can we please move on? All this dry humping is getting boring. That's probably supposed to be cute. It...really creeps me out instead. ._. A nighthorse? Really? I have to give Erin credit, that is the best intentional "nightmare" typo ever. However, it is coupled with the worst attempt at foreshadowing ever. "Nostrils" is not a romantic word. I'm sorry. It just isn't. Unless the new character kills off all the existing ones and announces that this was all a prank and was done for the lulz, I don't think any new character is going to redeem it. u_u
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:43:38 GMT -8
9 and 10 are both pretty short, so I'll condense them into one post. Brewdening Love chapter 9 -- originally snarked 9/9/09 Hmn, that ignoring the flamers thing didn't last long, now did it? ^^;; Uh, hon, you WERE being mean. You're not better than us, considering that you provoked the attack by being a royal bitchwad. How about we report YOUR meanness? Oh, wait, we already have. On a side now, I hated Phonics too when I was a kid! Mostly because that's how we learned to spell and as a result I had some pretty bad spelling until I finally taught myself. ...Did she seriously just spoil the plot twist that I totally saw coming last chapter in the author's notes before the story even starts? brb, I can tell I'm gonna need chocolate for this one. I'm confused. :< The "ooo's," however, will never ever stop cracking me up. No, of course you aren't a liberal. We could have figured that out without you telling us. (AND BTW, YOU FORGOT AGAIN THAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT "JOAN," NOT YOU. Criminy, just give up the pretenses and admit that it's a self insert. Seriously, I'd respect you a smidgen more.) Anyway, it's good that you aren't a liberal, because I don't want you on my team. I thought you walked to the house, not took a taxi? Also, if that description was long, what do you call the paragraphs you spend describing what you're Joan is wearing? I'd be sad too if I'd been beaten in the face. I totally saw that one coming. Of course he looked sexy. Why am I not surprised? I think she actually just made a glimmer of sense. I'm getting worried. Jud ass. Hallelujah the lulz have returned and the glimmer of sense has vanished. /o/ ...Her not-son betrayed them and is about to be sentenced to death and she's baking cookies? Correct me if I'm wrong, but killing someone because they broke the no-killing rule...doesn't that seem kind of stupid? Also - A meany? Really? A MEANY?! WHAT ARE THEY, FIVE? IS HE GOING TO CALL SOMEONE A POOPYHEAD NEXT?! Jen wanted to go out with Jasper if I recall correctly. Well shit. I mean, I know it's just thrown in for the shock value and all, but geez. And I didn't think Meyerpires could be killed by being hit? And she's known him for like three or four days. DAYS. So "for the first time ever" really isn't all that impressive. ...I swear I read that as "tears fapping" the first time. xDDDD Bad mental images ensued. Yeah, of course she's a different person. Riiiiiiiight. No, I don't hope that she gets better. I hope she becomes a raving manic and kills everyone and proclaims this story to all be a joke. Please? ---------- Brewdening Love chapter 10 -- originally snarked 9/10/09 *cackles* She's finally resorted to the "you're just old and unloved and bitter!" retort. I had a feeling it would happen eventually. What an idiot. (What I find hilarious that, apparently she loves everyone except the flamers. I haven't actually sent her any flame reviews, so I think that means I'm a-okay in her book, and yet I have poked fun at every chapter so far. For some reason this all amuses me.) This, however, makes no sense. Right away we've got an emoticon. RAAAAAAAGE. At least her reaction is somewhat logical, however. What the hell. He just came up to ask what happened, and now is offering to talk if you want to without pushing anything. That's really nice of him! You bitch. She's actually making some sense here and I agree. This could actually be a decent source of conflict, though we all know that it won't be. I do find it funny that in the midst of all her angst she gets bored. xD; I'm very familiar with the angsting thing, and boredom is one thing I never felt with it. ...You have a gardener? Also, fuck your stereotyping of Hispanics (or maybe Italians). That's real mature. No, because if you wanted to be left alone you would have stayed in your room to be alone! Going outside is a sure way to not be alone. YOU'RE A BITCH. SCRATCH THAT, YOU'RE AN ULTRA BITCH. I can't even comment on the emoticons anymore. They're getting to be too much. Also, when you're pissed at someone, how they look really isn't important. Nice to see she's at least staying angry. C'mon Joan, now whip out a stake and kill that motherfucker! Don't be unhappy at the bed, the bed didn't do anything to you! Oh geez. I see where this is going. Joan, seriously, don't let your hormones decide things for you. The guy's a dickwad! He's a hypocrite and he broke the no-killing rule! Kick him to the curb! Yes! That's it! Wait, what? No! NO! You forgave him?! Just like that? You're not mad anymore, or even a little conflicted? YOU'RE INSANE. SERIOUSLY. CHARLIE MANSON IS FREAKED OUT BY YOU RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? *facecactuswallkeyboard* Hmn. That's nice. Pass the salt please. (Seriously, who talks about death so casually? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT IT BEING A SIN.) Now this author's note has far less lulz in it. In fact, it pisses me off. Going on and on about how "nobody loves you" is not only cruel and hurtful, but it's just more hypocrisy because if she was a true Christian she'd know that God is supposed to love everyone - no exceptions.
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 12:55:42 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 11 - originally snarked 9/13/09 I can already tell this is gonna be bad. (Or maybe So Bad It's Good?) Just look at that title. It screams ' potential.' Aw, she reported us. I really hope that ff.net goes to investigate the fic and ends up deleting it instead. xD Ooh, she's going to reply to someone! Quick, everyone get snacks and comfy blankets! Put your anticipation glasses on! Lulz ahoy! =D This is a bit confusing, so I'm color-coding it. The words in pink are those of jess0412, who's on our side. The stuff in yellow is Erin's. White text is my commentary. Firstly: Exodus 20:2-5a Basically, you are making Edward to be a god, therefore making an idol. That's one sin.Look Ward is not an idle infact i've had JOAN be made at him evan! To warship sumthin you need 2 LOUVE IT UNCONDIDIONALLY. WARD IS NOT A GOD YOU STUUUUUUUPID BITHC!!111111Actually not entirely true. You can worship something out of fear as well. Just saying. Secondly: Matthew 7:12 "Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets."
Another "sin", but still the point. You whine and flame others, expecting compliments.OMFG NO YOU DIDN"T USE THE SAME QUOTE I HAVE look wrong becorse I respanded to the FLAMERS - I NEVER ATTACKED FRIST!!Point. But the offensiveness of the first chapter could be considered the first blow, no? And part of the Golden Rule is to be mature enough that even if someone is being a dick, don't be a dick back. Thirdly: Luke 12:1-12 This is a large passage, so I won't type it. However, the gist of it is Jesus warning others against the Pharisees and hypocrites. You are, again, acting like a childish hypocrite.WTF NO REVELANCE! I am not hyppocritic becorse I RESPOND TOE THE FLAMMERS AND THIER NASTINESSSErin misses the point here. She's a hypocrite because she commits many sins while still espousing her "Christian" morals. I don't think Jess was talking about the flamers at all. Finally, Revelation 22:19 "And if anyone removes any of the words from this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book."
Although you haven't raped Revelation yet, the point stands: you took Bible verses and cut them to your own advantage, making yourself seem high and mighty.
Take that. *spits at Erin's feet*Uh oh guys. Look out, an unholy amount of Sue!rage is about to explode! You slu, tyou are the devil's warshiper! BECORSE SERIOUSLY TS NOT NICE AT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!111111 I AM PRAISEING THIN LORD WITH EVERY PASSAGE BECOSE I LOVE HIM WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! THE LORD IS A DEVINE BEING CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111 YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN GOD SO STOP ATTACKING HIS FLOCK! STOP IT! IT ISN"T FUCKNG NICE1111111111111 I HOPE THE LORD KICKS YOUR ASS YOU WARD HATTERS I DO BECORSE YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND DON"T EVEN TRY TO BEK NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU MORE! :( (: :( :( :( :( AT LEAST I"M NOT SPITTING AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!11 EVNJOY LUCIFER'S ACCOMAPY! I'll pray then very worset upon thee unless you lift your game becoos i no the lord will no I'm RIGT! ERNI LOCKLEA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!1 8 ( THIS TOGE TO EVERY! WHO FLAMS ME SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT OR GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 So there no more nice ErinI think she pretty much hands us reasons to laugh, all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Check out some of the contradictions in there. Her responses to the Matthew and Luke comments don't even make sense. "CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111" ...Lol wut? For all her talking about how she's better than you because she's all ~love~, she sure can be a cruel bitch. It's not cool to wish bad things upon others, I'm pretty sure. Also, you've all become hatters. Congrats on your new career! Can I purchase a fedora from you? I've always wanted one. Talk about snarky. I'm quite certain THAT isn't in the Bible. Um...no, no I don't c wut u did thar. I don't get it. (Actually, now, nearly a year later, I finally got the joke. xD Black is blah. With a 'k' on the end. Haha. I get it.) Joking that she was fat? Trying to make her more sympathetic because of that? If you aren't a self-insert, then WHY do we care what your clothing choices are?! No, I don't want to picture you in such a way because this story is about Joan. Not you. Or did you forget that again? You answered your question last chapter or so anyway, remember? He was following the "don't kill" rule, which is why he didn't kill James/Jomes? ...Er, and you've known them for like less than a week. Can't really reflect on much of his life when you know nothing about it, can you? Sodly? As in...the manner in which sod stands? The black suit and gold tie made me laugh. It sounds more like he's going to a wedding. xD; Um...poor church. What did it do to deserve to be punched? hard pecs = sparkle peen and we all know it. You sure were fine and dandy with it the day before, jerkass. Solomonly. This time, I DO c wut u did thar. This could almost be a nice scene, if, y'know, the story was actually ever any good. OKAY, THAT'S IT. What the bloody hell is up with that snarky little homophobic comment there? Like we give a fuck how you think, you selfish, narrow-minded bitch? Nobody is reading this damn story to hear about YOUR personal opinions, and you, BTW, have no right to decide what people can or can't do. /rant. Joan isn't Edward's lover, they've never had sex. Wishful thinking, maybe. I really, really, really hope that God or St. Peter or whoever decides these things just laughs in her face when The Day comes. I know, it's not nice, but...I would dearly love to see that. Hey, who wants to write a fanfic of this fanfic, in which these characters get their just desserts? The bit about the ice cream is making me hungry. ._. More fucking emoticons in the middle of prose. Gahhhhhhhhh. My brain can't deal with this anymore. Of course Erin Joan will. Like we ever expected anything else? I actually had to go look up "cfb" on Urban Dictionary and discovered it means "can't be fucked." At least she gave up on that bit of arrogant self-satisfaction. All right, I've now spent half the day re-posting these, so I think I'll take a break for awhile. xD Will continue with the re-posting later or tomorrow.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 17, 2011 15:15:47 GMT -8
^Not going to read it all right now — I have to get some sleep — but I wanted to say it right now… YAAAAAAAY PUZZLE REPOSTED HER SNARKS ! As soon as I get up tomorrow I'll read them all and laugh. And die from the laughter. Then send you Party Hat Kittens from the Snarkers Paradise.
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Post by Anya the Purple on Sept 17, 2011 15:35:57 GMT -8
Lol Puzzle, your snarks are so awesome. Much 3 as Erin would say. Party hat kittens for you ! <3<3<3
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 16:26:06 GMT -8
Thank you Talys and Anya! Much 3 for you guys as well, you're both awesome. <3 I apologize in advance if I accidentally ninja anybody this weekend. I'm trying to get all the old snarks re-posted as fast as possible, so it's one big posting frenzy up in here. xD I'm still in the snarky mood and I think I can get another couple chapters done before bed, so here's the next one: Brewdening Love chapter 12 -- originally snarked 9/15/09 I will say this - I'm starting to feel a bit bad about the reviews you've been leaving/about snarking this. Just a bit. I need only consider her rudeness and stereotyping to remind myself not to feel bad, but still. You can tell she's starting to crack - this chapter has much more of a "fuck it all" attitude than the previous ones. (I wrote the above when I first snarked it many moons ago. I've since changed my mind on that. I no longer feel guilt over her. >_>) But didn't some people try to give suggestions? I'd rant on about how she obviously doesn't want to take advice, but I'm too busy being baffled by the RPICNEKDS comment. I can't even feel insulted since I have no idea what she just called us. (I say 'us' since let's face it, she'd be saying all this stuff to me if she knew this was out there, too.) I'm not sure whose quote this is. Maybe someone from her church or something? This whole following section is a big paragraph of fail and confusion. Jenny never even went out on a date with Emmett, (and BTW, it was Jasper who she asked to go on a date with!) so how can she love him more than anything? They've never even spoken to each other! The nonsense about the tears is just...failtastic. TEARS DO NOT COME OUT BLUE. IF THEY DO, SERIOUSLY, SEE A DOCTOR, 'CAUSE THAT SHIT AIN'T GOOD. I'm confused about that last comment. What's a stupid thing? James attacking? Emmett not killing anyone? Following faith? Does anyone else understand it? D= And then they can make popcorn and do their nails! Sounds to me like they and their grief are going to be just fine. Indian America? Wut? Otherwise, this is actually a really nice description. Not overdone, and we can immediately establish that he's humble and cheerful. I like it. Why is he suddenly Jenny's gardener?! Joan just called him "your gardener." Is she giving him to her? GUYS, WE FOUGHT A WAR OVER THIS. PEOPLE CAN’T BELONG TO OTHERS. Someone got over her grief pretty fast. As for Joan, she's just a posterchild for exactly what is wrong with abstinence-only teaching. Want sex? Gotta get married first! It doesn't matter if you actually like the guy or have any sort of compatibility, if you want to get laid you have to get married. Also, check out her use of "peckers." That's right mi amigos! Edward has TWO sparklepeens! Try getting that mental image out of your head. 8D More racism. Fun. Also, Jenny seems to be healing just fine from her loss. Here's where you can start to see her cracking. Normally she'd be waxing poetic about his grace. Now? We just get a "he could do that shit." Sounds to me like someone was feeling impatient when she typed this... It really doesn't take much to distract these girls from their sadness, does it? Apparently lust is the ultimate therapy. Now, how does one sound hot when asking a simple question? I'd like to have a talk with you about these emoticons that continue to pop up... Note that Joan has never mentioned Jenny's name. Somehow Edward knows who she is...but if he knows, then why is he asking...? Forget it, I'm not even going to try to figure it out. Also, she's talking to Jacob you dumbass! You already said that the guy out there WASN'T Fernando! *headdesk* Um...kay? You're even more of a doormat than I used to be, girl. And that's saying something. The lurking menaceeeeeeeeeeeeee. 8DDD /random So much for that thou-shall-not-kill thing. Pashed? Is that slang for something dirty? It sure sounds like it. Well now I'm just confused. Like an hour ago she was screaming her head off over her one true love being dead. Now she's suddenly going out with Jacob. Sorry Emmett, sucks to be you. Because all it takes to be true-love materal is to be hot. -___- Because somebody who really is a werewolf would totally reveal that secret after fifteen minutes of talking to a stranger. YOU ASSHATS. So, apparently you killing people is VERY VERY BAD, but by all means trick someone ELSE into killing! That's so nice! Hey, sure, so basically - if you believe your own rules - you'll be sending Jacob to hell but it's all good because you'll be safe and will get into heaven! I take back what I said about feeling bad about dissing this fic. You're all fuckwads! Every last one of you! Has anyone bothered to tell Jacob yet that he's expected to commit the ultimate sin and go to hell so that miss Erin Joan Sue and Edward Sue over here can go to heaven? Er...well, I didn't see that one coming. *sing songs* Someone's maaaa-aaadd. I'm a bit puzzled over how not getting Authors Notes is supposed to be a punishment though. I mean, I'm pretty much okay with this. u_u
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 16:49:03 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 13 -- originally snarked 9/19/09 This one was posted after her move to devART and the "god review" was actually someone baiting her, IIRC. xD No, I haven't had a boyfriend, I'm lesbian. (Asexual-lesbian, but a snuggler of other women nonetheless. Condemn me to Hell now.) So...remind me again why I'd be jealous of you having one? xD But first I'd really like to know why whether or not one has had a boyfriend makes any difference to anyone. You've had one, Miss Erin, and you're still a right bitch, so obviously having one doesn't make someone any better of a person. *shrugs* I can only imagine how the conversation between Jenny and Erin went when Jenny found out Erin had turned her into a bitch who gets over her true love's death within minutes. I hope it went something like this: ...hardshit. I'm going out on a limb here again and saying that I'm quite sure THAT isn't in the Bible. xD I'm not even going to ask about Jacob. The girls in this fic drop guys and pick em up faster than anyone I've ever met. Edward better watch out, the moment Erin Joan sees a hotter guy than him her "love" for him will vanish. That said, I actually think the "What are you doing being alive when you are dead!?" quote could have worked if we had more background on the character. If, say, Jenny is well-known for joking around when she's really happy or surprised, it could actually be sort of cute. However the author fails at writing so it's just dumb. Angstily angrily? Is it even possible to sound like both those emotions at once? OMFG, ENOUGH WITH THE ADVERBS. I love adverbs, but seriously, this is ridiculous. D= Wait, I'm confused. I thought Jenny sat down next to Emmett at the table? How can she run- forget it. I'm not even going to bother. I'm going to assume that James and Clare are people the rl Erin knows, because she can't seem to remember that she was pretending this fic wasn't about her for longer than five minutes. ...He? He what? Also, Emmett is now a drug which can be huffed, and for some reason Jen just turned into Erin. Wut. Ooooh, I'm so scared. Herd of cattle? Herd of buffalo? C'mon, give us something to work with here, or I'm going to have to assume that "herd" is code for something dirty. This could have been a decent plot point in the hands of a decent writer. In other words, let's not be surprised that it won't be handled well. Instead we get to hear about how Edward is still sexy. I had to put this one in its own quote box, because let's face it, IT'S HILARIOUS. She uses one word properly, brags about it, and doesn't even notice the typo in the sentence before it. She just pwned herself for us. Long drawn-out 'no's' are not in any way, shape or form dramatic. They're stupid. At this point she's known Edward for about a week, Jenny has never even been out on a date with Emmett, and lust is basically all that is holding this thing together. I'm not sure who Janet is, but whoever she is she better get out fast. Come with me, I'll save you Janet! This reads like it's from a children's picture book. Really. EVIL JAMS. Run everybody! Evil surfer shorts are attacking! I will never, ever get tired of the Evil Jam. Ever. Yeah, sure, just throw Jacob into Hell, nobody really cares, right? As long as Edward stays in God's favor, nobody cares if Jacob gets coerced into committing that ultimate sin. I mean, Edward and Miss Mary Sue Erin Joan are the only people whose souls actually matter. She met Jacob today. She has never even been on a date with Emmett. THEY ARE NOT THE TWO BIGGEST LOVES OF HER LIFE. And when the bloody hell did Fernando show back up?! I didn't even think Charlie was in this fic. She must have meant Carlise. Either that, or Esme is going to have some explaining to do... OH HEEEEEELL NO. EVERYONE STEP BACK. No, really Erin, I invite you to go and fuck yourself repeatedly and without lubricants at my behest. Nobody is reading this fic to hear you spout out homophobic comments whenever you want, especially when it has nothing to do with the story. If you had two brain cells to rub together you'd know that a good writer would tell us that in the story, not interrupt with notes from the author. Sadly your one lone brain cell is suffering all on its own and I feel sorry for it, so I'll let it slide. That's about the worst description of a wolf I've ever read. I bet a two-year-old could say it better. Someone get me a two-year-old to ask, STAT. Yeah, wouldn't want Edward to know. Of course the bruises only mean that he loves you! Um, he said he cared about you. He didn't say he loved you, nor try to make any moves on you, nor ask you out. He said that he cared. How egotistical does someone have to be to automatically assume that "I care about you" = "I love you?" Also, raise your hand if you weren't surprised that the Mary Sue has all the guy characters in love with her. He was hot? Seriously, that's the only point in his favor that you can find? That's the one trait of his that causes you to consider him a possible partner? Actually, Jess was the one who spit at you. JSYK. And yet, whose story is the one that got deleted? Seems to me like ff.net had issues with someone else's skanky ass entirely.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 17:12:18 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 14 -- originally snarked 9/27/09 Also known as one of the more boring chapters. >.< Which is weird considering some wacky shit goes down in this one, and yet it's oddly dull. Actually there is a-- HAS SHE COME TO HER SENSES? COULD IT BE? xDDDDDDDDDD Oh Erin, never change. Never change. You ruined your story on your own. The mods at ff.net were the ones who decided to take the story down, not Skeksis or Phoenix. You might do to take your own advice and ignore them. Also, your spelling is a reason. You DO know that ff.net has rules about using at least semi-proper spelling and grammar, don't you? Because ignoring them worked so well for you? Oh please. Even Stephenie Meyer would be appalled at this. (Oh lawd, did I just defend SMeyer?!) What. The. Fuck. SMeyer named the character Jacob for a fucking reason. If you want to write fanfiction of her story, USE HER CHARACTERS' NAMES. You're just trying to make yourself sound like a better Christian with that explanation, and in the end you've succeeded in making yourself sound like an idiot. Moving on. Brb, going to get the world's smallest violin so I can play him a sad song on it. How stereotypical IS that? Sudden flip to formal language. Weird and unnecessary. Holy shit, two whole sentences without a single spelling error! PFFFFFFFFFFT. I'm sorry, but...DEMON SPAWN? With dozens of exclamation points and ones? It's so corny, it makes fun of itself. Excuse me if I'm not on the edge of my seat with suspense here. And her reactions are so cliche that I can't even take it seriously. I just thought of what this fic would be good as. A really bad B movie. It'd be epic. You really don't know anything about religion, do you? Oh, sure, you know how to spout out propaganda and echo judgmental words toward anyone a little different, but when it comes to other spiritualities you really don't know anything at all. He doesn't really seem all that controlled by evil to me...I mean he's crying and sad and ashamed. Not exactly a raving bundle of pure darkness, now is he? Okay. I get it. They don't know what's happening. Don't hurt me. ._.More baffling author's notes and this one referencing something that doesn't even have to do with the story. *slow clap* Bravo. You've just managed to make this worse than it already was. *snorts* I don't even know what to say. Um, what? I mean...ignoring all the stuff that makes no sense, such as how the holy water ought to be making him burn, but is stripping to one's undies actually a part of your general exorcism? That's just disturbing. All I can picture is a giant Emmett shaped vibrator now. SOMEONE GET THIS MENTAL IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD. ...Am I supposed to be excited yet? The all caps and multiple exclamation points tell me I should be gripped with suspense, but I just feel bored. Though the mental image of this is much funnier. I don't get it. Why is Joan almost falling over? Why is the water suddenly coming from the wall? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? I'm screaming too, on the inside. More stupid. So stupid I don't even know how to make it funny. Badly written, cheesy dialogue, mental images that make it impossible to take it seriously... If you're too lazy to type out "before," you shouldn't be a writer. Seriously. Or should I say srsly? Um...is she going to fall for Emmett now? Also, this might be the second time she actually spelled James' name correctly. IT'S THE PARTY HAT KITTENS, GUYS! PARTY HARD, MY FELINE BROS. Thank goodness that's over. Next chapter is way more interesting.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 17:28:04 GMT -8
Last chapter was fairly boring despite the insanity of it, but never fear, the lulz are about to return! Brewdening Love chapter 15 -- originally snarked 9/28/09 Okay everyone, make note of this. "GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU" is better than "GO" which is better than "AWAY!!!!1." But who cares, because PARTY KITTENS! Squee! <3 Any decent prose is not going to contain a phrase such as "life/fate." Pick one word and stick with it. Gemstone green eyes? Really? Did you have to go down that particular Mary Sue route? (They used to be blue, damn it! You had to intrude into me Thing for green eyes, didn't you?!) Wait...if the other Cullens were home didn't they hear all the screaming and whooshing and exclamation point death during that crazy exorcism? And who the hell changes into a black gown for no apparent reason?! Nice to see that Joan is interjecting notes into the story now though. That's slightly better than Erin doing so. I would say that the "creme" skin is a major Mary Sue alert trait, but I'm more concerned about the warm arms raping her and the genital breath on her neck. O___O I mean...what the hell is that?! Of course you did. Well at least she's thinking about something besides lust. That's an improvement. Go, Joan, go! Break free! Damn, if this was written better this could actually lead to an interesting plot development. I'm not getting my hopes up, don't worry. Divine ass. *snickers* I can't decide if it's his ass that's divine, or if he's just a divine asshole. Yes, I realize it's only a typo, but these are the kinds of typos I live for. OH GURRRRRL. SOMEONE JUST GOT SERVED. I'm starting to like Joan a little. She's actually slightly not-bitchy at this point. SOMEONE SEND HELP, I'M DEVELOPING STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. Okay, I like ellipses as much as the next person (and since I write angst I use them quite often) but really, that's just overdoing it. *cheers* Go Joan, go! Dump his sparkly ass, divorce yourself from Erin, find a good author and a better story and you might have a chance at being a decent character someday! Because of this, I'm going to totally ignore that you've still only known him like a week. Just this once. Well I'm just confused. He says he never could (I'm assuming he means never could hurt you) and you scream NO. Huh? What? No! Joan, you were doing good for a moment there, don't turn back now! Also...jealous much? There hasn't been a single moment that he acted as if he was even going to look at another girl and you're flipping out? *shakes head sadly* Sorry Joan. You're doomed after all. Your author has sealed your fate. More telling and not showing. Has he ever once lost control and tried to nom her? Not that I recall...but I could just be distracted by the mental images of trees literally falling from his eyes. HE CAN FLY?! I'm taking a wild guess here and saying that somehow he eventually will. ...And you seriously didn't know that emoticon? That's one of the oldest ones on the internet. Wow. All right, this is a good stopping point. Re-posting shall resume tomorrow! PARTY HAT KITTENS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
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Post by WolfBloodRei on Sept 17, 2011 18:45:51 GMT -8
I'm going to enjoy reading these snarks. ^_^ Also, I do have a suggestion for you. It's a crossover with Twilight and Omen, but Harry Potter eventually becomes involved among many other fandoms that get raped. The troll is an admitted fan of Tara and Erin and references them constantly. The story is called Vampire Queen. It is on this DA page. arianavampirequeen.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=72#/d2yhh2fShe has many, MANY snark-worthy fics in her gallery. This one is nineteen chapters, along with a five chapter sequel.
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Chibithulhu
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None can resist cuteness.[Mo0:10]
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Post by Chibithulhu on Sept 17, 2011 21:49:03 GMT -8
*Applause* Yay! Finally, your snarks of this are up!
And it's so fun watching someone's original reactions to this fic, as it was originally posted. Poor past!Puzzle. *Hugs past Puzzle*
Also, *Takes grenades and replaces them with bazooka* Punch Erin and whoever thought up the concept of gay-curing camps with this. It's MUCH better.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 4:56:40 GMT -8
@ WolfBloodRei: Thanks for the suggestion! I've seen some other people snarking that one before. Ariana seems quite crazy. xD
@ Chibi: I kind of miss the days of Erin's non-stop posting and doing a new snark every week, back when none of us knew what Erin would do next. It's funny to re-read my old reactions though. Like when we first met Brian, I was convinced he was going to be a sue like Edward and Jacob and I insulted him a bit...now I feel so bad about that. xDD
Oooh, a bazooka. =D Thank you! I shall put it to good use.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:16:55 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 16 -- originally snarked 10/2/09 Introducing the chapter that gave us the famous JENNY WAS THE WINDOW!!!! line! Right away the fic starts out with a catfight! Oh this is gonna be good. Well, someone's mad. Though, from what I've heard, she and Jenny seem to have made up. (I gotta wonder why Erin's pissed over Jenny apparently flirting with some guy named Tim when we all know Erin is in love with Ward.) I really can't tell if she means the people reviewing her or Jenny. Maybe both? Dude, what's with the question mark? Are you asking me if you couldn't stop crying? Don't ask me! I don't know! I'm still trying to figure out what the hell butter has to do with this! Self-centered much?! BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT? What the hell? *gets myself a tour bus and a mic* "And if you'll look to our left, ladies and gents, you can see a prime specimen of a Mary Sue. Look, it's having one of its classic, 'my beauty is a curse' moments! Everyone be very quiet now, they're quick to anger. Their RAEG isn't dangerous, but it is very loud and obnoxious and we don't want to spoil the rest of the tour. Moving along..." I'm not Christian and I haven't gotten to that part in Blogging The Bible yet, so I don't know all the fine details of the whole Judas-Jesus story, but I will say this: Being sold out by your best friend to people who are going to kill you sounds like something much worse than being dumped by your boyfriend of a week. Just sayin'. *giggles* Flaccid. 1. Once again she stole the picture thing from Twilight. BE ORIGINAL. 2. If some guy came into my room while I was sleeping without my permission and I found out, I would hunt that motherfucker down and make sure he never came into my room again. 3. Friends do not owe each other things. They do nice things for each other because they want to. If the only reason Jenny will help you is because she owes you, that ain't good. 'Course, after that note to her at the start of the fic, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to help. We're in the twenty-first century hon. You don't have to scream into phones to be heard anymore. And...why are you talking to Erin?! Jenny, you're too nice to be in this story. Go find yourself a good story to hang out in. So...Jenny knows that they're vampires? Was that ever addressed? I don't even remember. Also, enough with this "I'm too hot!" bullshit. True beauty is on the inside. And you, my linguistically-challenged friend, are not beautiful on the inside. Are you serious? Your character is supposed to have a broken heart, but you give her time to talk about exactly what she's wearing and exactly what kind of make-up she has on? (Which, by the way, is dumb because if she cries the make-up will just smear.) Look, I've done my time angsting and let me tell you, the LAST thing I felt like doing was dressing up. This would only be remotely realistic if we knew that Joan avoids pain by getting dressed up and going out to make herself not think about it. Seeing as how I still have yet to get any sort of read on Joan's personality, I don't buy that. Also, who the bloody hell wears stilettos around the house?! Iunno about you, but I go barefoot in my house. ...I thought you were mad at Jenny? Also, why on Earth do you feel the need to clarify that you're definitely straight after showing any sort of affection? You do know there's more than one sort of love, right? You homophobic bitch. You've. Known. Him. For. A. Week. A WEEK. You don't know that someone is the love of your life after only knowing them for a week. Gods, can I make this any clearer? And once again, more emphasis on physical beauty. Gotta love it. Oh, I'm sorry, did you fall into my sarchasm? /bad joke. Fernando and Jacob are pretty much interchangeable at this point. It's just weird that she made such an effort to differentiate them at first and now keeps using both names for the same person. WTF? He...didn't know you were there. How could he know to tell you if he didn't know you were there?! Um, no. Wrong. You fail. Yawned? Fawned? Frowned? It's like she's trying to speak to me, I know it!I already know where this is going. In other news, a vampire and a fire sprite have mated and are calling their offspring a vampfire. (This actually sounds kind of cute.) He killed Emmett just because Emmett was trying to do the right thing. Sounds like a bad person to me, but hey, I've got standards. Once again, is this or is this not coming off like: "He only hits me because he loves me!" Also, tears do not flop. Ever. No exceptions. Didn't Jenny only know Jacob for like an hour before they got together? O.o So much for that whole "being okay with it" thing. That said, a hug isn't exactly having an affair. Anyone who gets jealous over a hug has some serious insecurity issues. Her father has been a fire fighter, the mayor, and now a factory worker. What's next?? Furthermore, I think Jenny has multiple personalities. No, really. One second she's cool with it, the next she's pissed, the next she's okay again. Then you shouldn't have put on all that make-up! What? Does she have an Edward pillow or something? Because that's...really creepy. *sighs* Like, half of New Moon is summed up in a single chapter. I can't decide if it's better or worse this way. Are you angsting about moving to Forks again? Get over it, you'll find some other hot guy and move on. Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke, haha, fat chance. My gods, this girl is an idiot! You know he likes you, and you're just going over to his house all innocently? Dumbass. Also, if you managed to get off just from that simple conversation...I'm not actually sure what to say to that. I do know that they make drugs for it, though. HIS NAME IS JACOB. GET IT RIGHT. IT'S NOT THAT BLOODY HARD. Why do people feel the need to always make jokes about how werewolves smell? Like vampires are really going to smell all that much better? And countdown to Joan realizing she likes Jacob in 3...2... Hi, Erin, get the fuck out of the story and let Joan decide this stuff for herself. She's showing a sign of rubbing her two brain cells you gave her together for a change. ...I really don't understand how she can have so much animosity towards Jenny and yet say nice things about her in the fic. I can only assume she wrote the chapter before the Timpocalypse and then added the notes later.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:27:37 GMT -8
I ended up skipping chapter 17 ( This one, it's the first revenge chapter) because I was at first upset about the whole controversy thing, (I didn't approve of sending her the link, so I was kind of pissed at the time) even though I was given the honor of being listed on the Not Nice People list. Later, after I got over it, everyone else had so thoroughly snarked it that I couldn't think of any new jokes to make. I still haven't done 17, though I keep planning to. Maybe someday. xD Brewdening Love chapter 18 - Originally snarked on 10/3/09. Is it just me, or did she tell the flamers to stop, then say she loves them all? I thought Jenny was in the window. How did she get into the room? Can she walk through walls?! (Oh my god you guys, Jenny is a ghost. PLOT TWIST.) ...I think her writing is getting worse. Also, Jacob and Fernando have officially merged into one person, got a sex change, and is cumming on her. O_o DO NOT WANT. WTF? Crack? Is this some sort of colloquialism? 1. IT WAS ONLY A HUG. I mean...okay, she was at his house and that doesn't look good, but still. 2. I'm having a hard time feeling all that sorry for Joan since, well, she's a bitch. 3. I guess she and Jenny maybe haven't made up yet? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HE'S SEXY? THAT'S YOUR REASONING? Guys, give up. It's hopeless. She's never going to learn anything about proper character development. Yes, we know, shellfish are sexy. There's a reason they serve oysters on Valentine's Day. I still fail to see how having shellfish on one's body is all that arousing though... FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOMOPHOBIA. They make drugs to prevent the shatting as well. And we were...? What exactly? So Fernando is his dad now? What happened to Billy? (No, I don't know why I'm still trying to make sense of this. Let's just say Billy is Jacob's grandfather in this 'verse and move on.) Are you trying to say "lingerie?" She sleeps in frakkin' lingerie?! Who actually does that? I sleep in old concert T-shirts! Oh, of course you're stressed. Because people who are stressed really have time to sit around and talk about their fancy lingerie. I swear she almost said trolled there. Whoa. I think she just admitted that her character has lust issues. Someone call the newspapers! Quick, get the kids in the minivan! The world is ending! "In a few hours, the sun will rise!" "...Look, I was right about the sun!" Oh Yugioh Abridged. <3 Try to follow this next exchange. It makes no sense.This is Fernando, who I'm assuming is Jacob's father. Which doesn't make any sense either, but whatever. WHY THE HELL IS SHE ASKING FOR EDWARD, THEN?! Somehow I don't think kicking someone's ass in niceness is really...all that nice. >.> Passing over the ridiculous and nearly racist description of Jacob's voice... So much for not giving into lust. -_- Someone sure got over her heartache quickly... Has there ever been a more boring exchange of dialogue ever? And now Jacob has become Fernando again. It's things like this that have me convinced she's a troll, because you really have to put effort into making mistakes as dumb as that. That sort of mistake isn't something that happens while being lazy, that takes concentration. Yadda yadda, another pointless description to try to make her sound attractive and instead she just sounds trampy...I mean blue lipstick? Seriously? Wait, who? (My first thought was that Alphonse was calling to tell her how bad her story is. Then I thought she meant Alistair of my upcoming NaNo novel.) Oh, right, Alice. For once, Erin is speechless. Makes a nice change. Oh, hey, look - Jacob is doing the brewdingly thing now too! IT'S CONTAGIOUS. Who wears a pure white gown as daywear? And what's this? Alice looks hot, but no homophobic comment? Well, well, I am impressed. Why would Jacob frown? I thought he hated Edward and would be happy to hear that something bad is going to happen to him? No, actually, you're a bitch. If Joan is, it's because you made her one. You had every opportunity to make her into a decent character and you never took any of them. So don't get on Joan's case for something you caused. And if this was supposed to come as a plot twist...it didn't. I saw it coming from the minute they broke up. Oh, stop being such a drama queen. He went to Europe to provoke the Volturi, didn't you read the damn books? I swear I read that as "elope" the first time. Alice x Joan FTW. What the fuck's a cruiser? She spells the word 'cruiser' completely correct, but I have no idea what she's talking about. She's just managed to squish the entire plot of New Moon into another chapter though. Maybe she's going to go through all the books-- OH GODS. IS THIS GOING TO END WITH HER AND EDWARD HAVING A MUTANT BABY?
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:35:54 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 19 -- originally snarked 10/4/09
This one was surprisingly short. Gave me extra time to get extra-preachy in my snarking though. xD Believe it or not, I actually try to reason with her. I KNOW, I'M SCARED NOW TOO.
Before you judge us, take a look at yourself. You've done nothing but judge people so far yourself. And yes, we know you know the link. Thing is...it's kind of hard to read your story "properly" when it's all over the place. (And, as you clearly have fallen into our sarchasms, here's a hint: when we start mass-guessing what your story says and making jokes about shellfish and whatnot, it's not because we don't know what you meant. It's because those typos are just that stupid.) Get yourself a word processing program with spell-check, a beta who has the balls to tell you what needs fixing, and make an effort to improve and you'll find that people will look upon you with more respect.
I won't lie, this fic has potential. The idea of a vampire trying to be Christian has the opportunity to be interesting and complex. You, however, are the one holding the keys to this potential and you absolutely refuse to use them. The story suffers because you won't take advice.
Furthermore, your constant homophobia offends me. It doesn't even have to do with the story, it's you interjecting your own beliefs into it. That is a sign of an amateur writer who is too insecure to let her characters take control. So, if you're reading this, here's my advice: Let it go. Let your characters have control, loosen your grip and open your mind the possibility that you can -- and need -- to improve if you ever want to be a real writer. Stubbornly continuing to write badly because you're too immature to realize that everyone, even the best writers, are always looking for ways to improve, isn't going to win you any fans and you're doing your story an injustice.
This is definitely the best sentence ever. xD
First she talks about how cool and exotic (and...hawt?) the place is...then she's sad and crying. WITH PROPELLER TEARS.
Pander: –noun Also, pan⋅der⋅er. A person who furnishes clients for a prostitute or supplies persons for illicit sexual intercourse; procurer; pimp. Alice, c'mon now, you've got plenty of money and your not-brother Edward is about to go sparkle in public. There will be time to drive around pimpin' later on.
See, basing your story on Twilight is stupid because we all know what's going to happen. Any chance of suspense is killed.
Again, these are the typos I live for. *sighs contentedly*
But what law did he break? Oh, and here we go, maybe it won't be death by sparkling in public after all. That would be nice. Of course we all know Joan will save him, but still.
Now see, this AN is pointless. All it does is once again wrench the reader out of what little story there is here, and, in the case of myself, piss the reader off. Even if the reader wanted to give you a constructive review, it's shit like this that makes them delete the polite review they were composing and write out a good long flame instead.
Also, BTW, homosexuality is natural. It has been documented in other species besides humans, and furthermore, if God created everyone and everything, he must be okay with homosexuality because he created it. Who are you to decide what is right and what isn't? Are you saying you actually know better than God what is right or not? Because that's pretty damn presumptuous of you. I think that the Big G would be happy to know that there's more love in the world, regardless of who it's between.
A vampire chrysanthemum? Why is "outdated" capitalized for no reason? And it STILL cracks me up every time I see the "heathen/heaven" typo. C'mon, that is funny and you know it.
Okay, I know that isn't Christian, that's for sure. Now Joan is suddenly better than God and heaven. I know there's a thing about worshiping others higher than God in the rule book.
Well this is an interesting development. It seems that Erin is angry at her self-insert? If she and the self-insert start fighting, will it tear a hole in the fabric of reality?
Um, maybe because Jacob was actually being sort of nice to you? I would like to point out though that you've based this "love" entirely on looks and therefore neither your attraction to Edward or Jacob is actually love. It's lust. That's all. And that's also a sin.
No, not okay. I don't see how Alice stopping to lift some weights is going to help them find the "Vampire Mafia Headquarters Thing Place." Plus, you've just stomped on and squished any chance of tension for your characters. A good writer would have taken this opportunity to add some development or conflict to her story. You took the easy route out. In fact, your character didn't have to do anything, YOU took the route out for them by telling the reader to just overlook the fact that you're too lazy to write anything like a decent scene.
...A building thousands of years old has an electronic button? Are you serious?
A STARCASE? REALLY? NO FUCKING WAY.
...Okay then. Talk about anti-climactic. ._.
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:46:39 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 20 -- originally snarked 10/6/09
But first, I have to address a journal entry she posted:
1. True Christians don't brag about how much money they have. Gluttony is a sin, is it not? 2. You're entering this mutant, insult-to-writing of a creature in a competition? Are you bloody serious? I mean, yes, when I was younger I entered a stupid story in a competition once. It had shape-shifters in it who were being hunted. It was stupid and juvenile, BUT AT LEAST I USED PROPER SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IN IT. My gods, girl, you are definitely not lacking in confidence, but confidence becomes a detriment when you can't balance it out with some good old humility. 3. She met the guy at lunch today and they're already talking about having sex when they get married? Please tell me this information has been misrepresented, please.
And on to the ficcage.
I'm 20 (was then. I'm 22 now!), first of all, I'm not old. Secondly, I wrote a sixteen-chapter fic several years back that was very badly written by my standards, and it still got over 300 reviews. Not a single flame among them. The people who review my fics have positive things to say about them, or offer me constructive advice as to what they liked and didn't like. I have never been flamed on ff.net, and I've been there since 2003. So, I ask you, why would I be jealous of your tiny collection of flame reviews when I have a very large collection of good ones, hmm?
We're a happy fam-i-ly -- No, wait, that's not right.
You SAW scared? Is it possible to see an emotion? And so like...do the Mafia just stand there in the middle of the room looking menacing until someone comes down to see them? Or were they all busy playing Guitar Hero or something until they heard you were coming and had to quickly assemble themselves into a threatening looking pose? QUICK, ASSEMBLE INTO VOLTURI V-FORMATION ALPHA-16. GO!
I thought only Joan called Edward Ward. ._.
Pfffft. It sounds like he's a second grade teacher or something arguing with a parent. xDDD "Ward broke the rules today, so he had to sit in the time-out chair. That's the rule! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!"
JOAN GOT ANGER. JOAN SMASH!
I'm trying to decide if I should replace "shoted" with "shooted" or "shota." Both have equal opportunities to be funny...
Ow. Iunno about you, but being locked in the eye sounds painful.
That's...really abrupt.
Talk about anti-climactic. Again. What do you have against a little excitement or conflict?
But...Alice is a vampire! Isn't she sparkling right now? And why would people think that sparkling is a sign of a vampire? Wouldn't they just assume someone went a little crazy with the body glitter? And why would they even care when they have the ability to snap anyone who sees them's necks in like 2.5 seconds or whatever? Why the fuck am I still trying to make sense of this shit?!
Don't worry, new Word documents can't die. Just be sure not to save it to a floppy disk, because those will die eventually. Also: Cried cryingly? Really?
...I have rarely seen prose more passive than this.
The Vaticat? Is that like Ceiling Cat's second in command?
Don't you need an appointment or something to get in to see the pope? He's a busy guy, no? And constantly under the danger of being assassinated? Yet they allow these strangers to go running in to see him? AND WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE ALWAYS BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF ROOMS IN THIS FIC. Can't anyone ever be original and sit/stand, Iunno, on the left side of the room or something? Always in the middle?
...I thought the pope was holy, not the people who came to see him. I'm confused now. X_x
Fallow: –adjective (of land) plowed and left unseeded for a season or more; uncultivated. *snickers* Edward is unseeded. xDDD
Look, I don't know, but I think it's going to be kind of hard to fallow a person.
What the hell kind of Batman have you been watching? The Popemobile looks nothing like the Batmobile.
Again with being in the middle of someplace! Do these people all have this OCD need to stand in the exact middle of places? And how did the pope know it was Edward they needed to save, and furthermore, how did he know exactly where Edward would be? And no, "because he just did" or "because he's a good Christian" aren't valid answers.
Why am I not surprised?
You are getting dangerously close to calling the pope something rude...
...D8 My gods, man! Have some decency! Put that away! Oh...wait, you meant his staff? ...WAIT THAT JUST MADE IT WORSE. Um, his rod? NO WAIT. His...baton? Cane? Pole? ...THERE IS NO WAY TO MAKE THIS NOT-DIRTY.
I don't even know what to say to this. I really don't. |D
What the hell is this? I have no idea what the hell is going on. I don't think Erin knows either.
Well that's just rude, saying another girl's name...oh wait, he meant Joan. Okay then.
For someone who calls us hags you sure do a lot of hagging yourself.
Are you fucking kidding me? That's it? That's the extent of the tension? Everything is fixed now? Are you the queen of anti-climactic scenes or what? And...did he just have that dialogue exchange with himself??
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?! THAT'S IT. List time again! 1. Edward was standing in the middle of the street. Remind me again how that was supposed to get the vampire mafia to kill him? Is "standing in the street" a capital crime now or something? 2. Edward has shown no faith in Jesus at all. 3. The pope knocked him out with weird pope magic from his popestick (kinky...), Edward didn't have to do anything or have faith in anything to be saved. 4. The fact that you're so easily glossing over a devastating mental illness shows that you're an uncaring bitch who has no understanding of the torture it is to either be or have to watch someone you love be suicidal. This is not funny. This is goddamned fucking serious. 5. Saying that the pope smells isn't going to win you any points. 6. Who else wants to send this to the pope and see what he really has to say about it?
Smelling what? Do I even want to know?
Oh, hey, that's right, Jacob was with them. Weird how we haven't heard a single mention of him all this time. Did you forget, miss Erin, that he was there was well? And I thought you decided that you didn't love him? Now you do again? I suppose it would just be pointless to add that planes don't work that way. They don't sit there until you need them unless it's a private plane. Otherwise, you need to have tickets and wait around for the plane to leave and...why do I even bother? -__-;
God loves everyone, not just good reviewers. Full stop. =|
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 6:00:54 GMT -8
Here's Brewdening Love chapter 21 (originally snarked 10/10/09), but first I had to address another note from miss Erin Sue, who discovered a single paragraph about her on ED and decided that meant all of ED was about her. ._. Miss Erin, if you happen to be reading this, I'll use small words to make sure you understand. We. Did. Not. Make. ED. (I had to say ED, you see, because Encyclopedia Dramatica are two very big words.) Personally, I don't even think ED is all that amusing. I actually find it annoying. Secondly, you warranted a paragraph, a single paragraph, on a ginormous site. Stop spazzing about people creating whole websites for your crapfic that you insist, like a spoiled child, on refusing to edit or improve. You've warranted a single thread on this gigantic site, and a single paragraph on ED. That's it. Going on about bad websites about you is just making you look like a fool. Blah blah blah, sinners, blahdy blah, something about God not loving us even though I swear he was supposed to love everyone, blah blah blahdy blah...oh wait, here's a good one: "BEATING MEAT." Hon, for the amount of wish-fulfillment that's in this fic, I'm pretty sure we're not the ones beating meat. I'm just sayin'. Hey, for the record, you're made of meat too and nobody's all that pretty once you tear their skin off. Get over it. Onward to the fic! Either she's trying to say "Depression" or "Desperation." I'm not sure which. O hai, more of this I see. I won't deny the bit about Christinas, though. I was never a Christina Aguilera fan, though I will admit to having two of her songs on my iPod. (Stronger is just so damn catchy, and Hurt is so emo that I needed to have it while angsting. You just can't angst properly to happy music.) Hey, you know you've got some stupid artists on your iPod, too. Froks? What is this Froks you speak of? Did they move? And who the hell is Shed? And why do I suddenly ship him and Jay? (Man, I still say that slash makes everything better. u_u) Also: "We sat down." Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, maximum boringness has been achieved. This paragraph, it causes way too many questions and absolutely no answers. ...At least she spelled his name well enough that I know who she's talking about. LIKE HE COULDN'T FUCKING GO WITH JASPER OVER TO JOAN'S HOUSE TO TELL THEM THAT?! What if Victoria had attacked them on the way to the Cullens'? Stupid character alert! Also, if this is to be believed, Joms and Jams were having a threesome with Victoria. Are threesomes considered Christian? It's lines like that chocolate cake one that continue to make me believe she's just a really funny troll. It also really makes me want chocolate cake now. >.> Fernando and Jacob = the same person. And, because I just love selfcest (YamixYugi and GreedxLing, anyone?), I now ship them. Damn, there goes Joan gender-bending again! Caringly? I'm pretty sure it isn't possible to speak caringly. But hey, this is your typical suefic. I honestly have no fucking clue what she's saying here. Speading alone the roar? Speeding along the road, maybe? Victoria was a red-head, dummy. I thought you were a Twilight fan? I think we've just found a fight scene even worse than SMeyer's. How does one beat someone up sexily? No, really, enlighten me. I want to know. ...He got punched. Last time I checked, people don't usually die from being punched, and he's a frickin immortal vampire. Drama queen. Oh, wait...he seriously is dead? Seriously? Really? C'mon now, don't tease me and get my hopes up. "I...I see a light..." "A light?" "Yeah...hey conscience, am I dead?" I had no idea the pope mobile could fly! Dude, seriously! You don't need to be constantly pulling that thing out! Put it away! Also, if a bunch of vampires and a werewolf aren't enough to scare away Victoria and her Super Badass Mega Christian-Vampire-Killing Punch of Awesomeness (Seriously, I kind of want to hug Victoria right now), then why on Earth would the pope in a truck frighten her? Charlie's? Carlisle's? Maybe Charlie and Carlisle got together and it's their house and MC is just the beard for Carlisle? Also, as someone else has already mentioned, the pope mobile really isn't big enough for all those people. Esme, your son is like...dead. (From being punched. Yeah.) Right now really isn't the time for chocolate cake. (Wait what am I saying, ANY TIME is a good time for chocolate cake.) So seriously, he's dead? We're quite sure of this? I don't want to book the mariachi band for my party until we're sure. "poked ward with his pope stick." " poked ward with his pope stick." "poked ward with his pope stick."...So many possible jokes, I cannot choose. Oh, save the drama, we all know he's coming back to life eventually. You're not going to trick me into getting my hopes up that the sparkly asshat is actually dead. (Though, in this fic, I actually kind of sympathize with Edward...) ...I'm sorry, what was that again? "The Pope thrust his popestick in Edward."...IT'S RAEPING TIEM! Seriously, she's making the pope sound like some sort of pagan shaman. Which is fine with me, but...I thought pagans were all bad and evil and "sinnars" in her book? "The pope’s popestick went down."Look, the Christian church has to deal enough with jokes and bad publicity and the such. And yet you write things like this? His popestick went down? Really? Poor popestick. Sad popestick. All limp and sad. Well, the pope IS really old, I guess he can't be expected to last very long without any help-- oh gods, I just got a horrible mental image. GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. NOW. So what else is new? If Edward comes back to life because God decides that he's too wonderful to die or that he's supposed to be the new messiah or something, I will shit bricks. Because no chapter is complete without gratuitous homophobia, of course. I, personally, am not excited for the next chapter, but I am sort of curious in a really morbid way about what sort of deus ex machina (perhaps literally...) she'll pull out next...
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 7:01:31 GMT -8
Lol. The "Puzzle Rage Panda" picture made my entire day. As did the picture of Will Shuester — you ninja'd, like, 5 snarks before I could read them all, so I just skimmed through them ^^ And the PARTY HAT KITTENS ! YAY !
Yeah, when you're done posting these, I'd love to see you snark Ariana's works. It's hilariously failing.
Also, hope you don't mind I changed my avatar ;D
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 7:20:11 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 22 -- originally snarked 10/14/09 But again, I can't bypass her journal entry without a few comments. His name is Robert, dumbass. I thought Jenny was with Jacob in the fic though? OH SHIT GUIZ. Plumbers! Alright, fess up, who're the plumbers messing with her? And how much do you charge to put in some pipes for a sewer hook-up, because I know some people who need your services. Hey, I've got a life. That's why it took me so bloody long to get around to snarking this chapter! I'm sorry, what? I think something is being lost in my translation from imbecile to intelligence. Let me try that again. "They are just not tolerant of other religions." No, I swear I've translated that right. And upon careful consideration of exactly how I should respond to this, I have decided the only thing I can say is "LOLWUT?"So give up trying to give her concrit, cause it's all going over her head. Just in! Apple has introduced the all-new iCat. Have allergies? Don't want to spend money on cat food? Get the iCat! All the cuddly adorable greatness of a cat, with great downloadable apps such as "Looking cute," "Purring," and "Cough up half-digested food on your significant other's pillow when your SO has pissed you off!" All yours for $199.99 plus shipping and handling. SPOILER ALERT: It's going to suck. Erin's twin brother perhaps? Or maybe Erni is her name when she cross-dresses? Misery? Miser? Mission? What are you, strange mashed-up word? WHAT ARE YOUUUUU?? Whaa? Since when did we become food critics? Unless food reviewers are reviewers made of food? I don't even want to go there... Um, you've managed to insult my romantic orientation numerous times, completely butcher the art of writing that I have spent years trying to learn, and have made sweeping generalizations that I find offensive and rude. Frankly my dear, this is quite enough to set me off. Be thankful you're on the other side of the computer. I almost clawed the eyes out of the last person who set me off. And yet, we still get hearts. (Or maybe party hat kittens!) How darling. Crucifix bling? Are you bloody kidding me? What next, is he wearing pimpin' hawt clothes? Is he going to draw a piece and go bust a cap in the "meen" vampires? I CALLED IT, DUDES. I SO CALLED IT. Okay, so I said that God would bring him back to life, but God...Jesus...c'mon, I was pretty damn close. BEST. TYPO. EVER. I like this one even more than the heaven/heathen one, because here, "sataning" has become a verb. Somehow, I find that hilarious. Verb! It's what you do! Anyone besides me suddenly get a mental image of ET? You know, with the glowing finger? She bowed? What the hell, is she suddenly in Japan or something? "ITS K?!" ARE YOU-- SERIOUSLY-- WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? He speaks in internet speak too?! And on top of that, you just turned God's son into a gangster. Guys, we can pack up and go home. This fic needs no snarking. It practically snarks itself. Jenny, I TOLD you we didn't need to hoard crap. Now look at yourself, you're surplussed. You are being in excess of what is required. Stop it right now! So let me get this right then. In this fic's world, somehow the evilness of, oh, let's say, starving children in war-torn countries and people dying of AIDS and cancer and people destroying the Earth that is our only home are all eclipsed by the evilness of a "meen" vampire trying to kill a whiny Mary Sue? What the hell kind of religion IS this that Erin partakes in? I'm not even sure what to make of his clucking fingers and causing particles to separate uniformly throughout a solid, liquid, or gas. Great party trick, sure, but what exactly is that supposed to accomplish? Wait, when did he say that? And seriously, what the heck with this pope mobile. It's like a car, a plane, and now some sort of magical vanishing apparating machine. I want one! *sound of a record screech* He was the best what now? "He was the best penist."...So much for that not having sex before marriage thing. That's just not a statement one can make without, er, verifying for oneself the validity of said statement. If you know what I mean. JESUS CAN APPARATE, Y'ALL. So wait, wouldn't we like this vampire, then? Because he/she doesn't embarrass the Lord? Because, see, if I was God and some vampires embarrassed me, I sure wouldn't be in the mood to go save them. Nobody there is named Christina. I fail to see how any of them can be good Christinas if they don't even have the right name. u_u Whoa, what? THEY'RE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS? Nobody takes Christmas away from Puzzle! I'd like to point out that this is the same day that they went to Rome and whilst there didn't Joan say that she couldn't love Jake if he wasn't Christian? So how, I might ask, did he suddenly decide to start following Christianity "recently?" Recently =/= five seconds ago. I'm not even going to question the logistics of leaving Christianity unseeded. Ooh, okay, false alarm. It's cool everyone, Victoria and her crew want Christmas and Santa to rule. Alright, I'm back on Victoria's side. =D Deed what? And to whom? This is a serious binding legal obligation we're talking about here, don't be vague now. Why not? Gangsta Jesus and his Bling of Holiness will just fix him up again. WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE IN THIS STORY ALWAYS TURNING INTO WINDOWS?! What, was there some sort of transfiguration class that they all took that ONLY taught how to turn into a window? C'mon, be more original! Be a door! Or an ottoman! Once again, you have got some crazy kinks, girl. Let us all pause to imagine this. He created a swear in the air, and then somehow sung it. And this is supposed to be threatening. Or something. Wait, who are the other vampires? We've never even met them before. Where are they coming from?! Emphasis mine. I can't make this shit up. Continuing in the tradition of pieces of Joan attempting to flee her insane self, now her blood is like, dudes! Let's GTFO! What with all your homophobia, I'm surprised that you think slash is hot. Talk about being a hypocrite. Jesus stops kids from doing drugs. I don't get how being bit by a "bad" vampire would make you a demon-worshipping one any more than being bit by a "good" vampire will stop you from becoming evil. As Crowley would say, take it from me, it's all about the upbringing. ...And the queen of the anti-climax strikes again. You keep asking him stupid questions twice and he's going to start getting annoyed. Jesus has just become the bitch of the worst bunch of Mary Sues I've ever met. Poor, poor Jesus. He needs a hug. D= Random note: This has been the longest fucking day ever. They've already been to Rome and back, participated in TWO fights...and still none of them have had to use the bathroom. Truly, I am in awe. If your shit is blue, go to a doctor. Don't wear it as a fashion accessory. Please.Erm. That's a rather unfortunate choice of words, isn't it? Well, considering how much Joan faps to him, I guess it's alright. And then Puzzle died of boredom. Get on with something more lulzy, come on! ...IT'S RAPING TIME AGAIN! Like what, you seriously think a bunch of people on the internet are going to hunt you down and crash your party? It's nice to see that apparently she and Jenny are back to being friends again though, that's good.
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 7:28:20 GMT -8
@ Talys: Haha, well, you ninja'd me so I guess it's fair! xD Thanks, the Rage!Panda is a gif I'm highly fond of. (Though I'm saving some of my favorite Yugioh reaction images for later. Don't want to use them all at once.) My early snarks were not always that funny anyway...it's the later ones where I think I really hit my stride and got some good jokes in. x3
And I don't mind at all. =D It makes me happy when people use my icons. <3 Thank you!
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:04:02 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 23 -- originally snarked 10/17/09 Not one of my better ones, but it's a stepping stone on the way to the ultra-lulzy chapter 24. ^^ Again, we get to play Guess-The-Word with her title. Rescue? (Which will be particularly funny when we get to the end of this chapter). Risque? (That would be a good title for the next chapter.) And for some reason, I'm also hearing the word "bisque" in my head. Probably because I'm really hungry at the moment. brb actually, gonna go make myself a fruit smoothie. All right, I'm back with brainfreeze. Let's get this show on the road. First of all, Arthur the Anteater and Arthur the Aardvark both want to have a word with you, missy. Secondly, if you gave a flying fuck on a hovercraft at all about SMeyer and her books, then you would respect her characters enough to use the names that SHE gave them. Authors give their characters certain names for a bloody reason! To change them because you don't like them is incredibly disrespectful. Nice to see that Jenny is rising above the only-turn-into-a-window rule and being a pail instead. And, y'know, if the vampires "touching" Jacob are cute, Jake might not want to be saved, if you catch my drift...I mean, all the vision told them was that Jake was being touched by them, right? No word on if he seemed to be enjoying it or not? So what, it's okay if the others die because they aren't sexy enough to live, you shallow, vain, jerk-ass bitch? Also, I went to dictionary.com, hoping that "kulled" was a real word because I love adding definitions into snarks. Sadly, it was not. Damn. *weeps for the joke that could have been made here* Also, need I remind you again, the other Cullens might be killed too. Weren't they your friends? "Ward" is channeling some canon!Edward with all this coddling. Jake is being torched?! Look, I know he can't compete with your "Christian vampire," but could you act a little more concerned for him? Oh, right, coddle her. That will really make her feel better. (Also, what happened to your homophobia? Are you becoming a decent person or did you just forget to make a snarky comment? My money is on the latter...) Quite trying to make nouns and verbs into adverbs. It's just plain stupid. ...Seriously? How did they find that out by going into the forest? Did they, perchance, happen to stop and munch some random mushrooms with purple rings they found along the way? (Also, assuming no funny shrooms were involved and that they actually did track his scent (I know. Wut.) all the way to said mansion, why the hell didn't they bust in and rescue him then?) He can run to Canada. But you and Alice had to take a plane to fucking Rome. What, she couldn't just run across the ocean? If you're going to break the laws of physics, why not go all out? ...I'd also like to point out that this is STILL taking place in the same day that they went to Rome, came back, fought Victoria, and fought the "evil" vampires and still had time for some piano music and baseball. Because while your friend is being torched is the PERFECT moment to wax poetic about your boyfriend's body. Jacob was (is?) her boyfriend. If she gives a shit at all about him, I don't think riding piggyback on a hot guy will cheer her up. Or maybe it will. This is the world of Brewdening Love after all. At least SOME sort of passage of time was shown. ...Does this make sense to anyone? Because I don't get it. Nobody knew there were vampires in the street because the lights were on? Shouldn't it be the other way around? ...You walked through Canada. All of Canada. Look, Erin, I know you live in NZ, but could you possibly look at a world map for a moment? See that big solid-colored mass above the US? THAT'S MOTHERFUCKING CANADA. Poor, poor neglected Canada. OTL But no, how the bloody hell do you expect them to walk through an entire sodding country for a single mansion?! Couldn't the funny 'shrooms (and yes, I'm convinced that's how Jasper and Emmett got this Canada idea, because if they had followed Jacob's scent to the house, then they could have led the way back to the house. None of this walking all around Canada crap. Henceforth, ergo, and in conclusion, they never actually went to the mansion.) have been a little more specific? NO. WAY. ARE YOU SERIOUS? GET OUT. ...He was warm? Wait, what? Did or did not SMeyer practically write sonnets about how Edward was ice cold in all her books? I didn't even read the damn series and I know this! Useless detail moment ahoy. You walked through all of Canada in like, ten minutes? And when did Alice get hold of the funky 'shrooms and find out what the mansion looks like? At least she's being consistent with the torching thing. But personally, if I was going to tie someone up in chains and torch them, I'd close the curtains. ...They didn't even lock the door? And you mean to tell me that this mansion doesn't even have a working security system? My gods, you suck as villains. Can I just point out that here we have yet another person in the MIDDLE of a room? Because it's totally cool to murder people who haven't accepted God into their lives. Totally.Guys, you snuck into their house and now run the very high risk of being overheard. Couldn't you have plotted outside? Wait...what's this about two humans? Is she talking about her and Jenny, or do the "bad" vampires (whom I'm totally rooting for because I <3 Victoria.) have humans on their side? I'm going to have to assume she means herself and Jenny. They went out? Who went out? The evil vampires? Emmett and whom I can only assume is supposed to be Rose? LEARN TO WRITE, YOU IMBECILE. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. ...Why? Nothing worse than being startled while you're trying to buy supplies, lemme tell ya. Or you could have considered that in the vision, both Alice's and the funny mushroom one, someone must have noted that Jake was chained up. And maybe SOMEONE could have thought to bring a pair of bolt cutters. But wait, that would mean the characters in this fic would actually need to display some intelligence. Sorry Jake. You're going to be there forever. Hurray! ...For some reason, the only response I have to this is ORLY? You were just fighting with them! How do you sneak out of a fight?! I wouldn't have expected any less. Because Jenny's not important enough to be put on his back sexily too, only picked up. Or her back. Looks like Jasper got a random sex change. I've heard of surprise buttsex, but surprise sex change? That's a new one. Everybody was sex-eh run-ning! *to the tune of "Everybody was kung-fu figh-ting"* Dumbasses. ...and then we all fell off a cliff and died. The end. You made Jenny into a bitchy, two-faced slut. I'm sure she's thrilled.
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:11:43 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 24 -- originally snarked 10/18/09
Aka Failporn!
Ten bucks says that Mitsu is a) being REALLY charitable or b) faking it. And my gods, enough with the phlegm! I've got some godawful allergies right now as it is, I don't want to see that word. Or a word that vaguely resembles it.
...Seriously, Erin, what are you smoking? I want some.
You jackasses! What about Jacob? The guy you left chained up last chapter? Anyone remember him?
And cue Puzzle falling asleep already. How boring is this? So boring that I got up and randomly put on my canine-teeth fangs (part of my demon cosplay for Halloween) and went to model them to myself in the mirror for the third time today. (I can't help it, they're so much fun to wear. xD) That's how bored I got. It's also probably proof of the ADD that I swear I have.
There was originally a bunch of """ thingies in this. Erin, it's called proofreading. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?!
What, pray tell, is a cute smell? No, really, enlighten me. I want to know.
Once again we have some more pointless exposition about looks. WTF is an "anry prunt" miniskirt?
"I was already hot." Holy egotistical statement Batman! ...Charlie is dating Rosalie? Whaaaa? Also, it must've been a half-day or something, why else would they go home right after lunch?
First he was a fire fighter, then the mayor, then a factory worker, now a lawyer. For the record, an alcoholic probably wouldn't be able to hold more than two of those jobs. Hugo is clearly quite responsible.
If it's a FAMILY bonding time, why is Jenny there? More importantly, why are Becca and Dan there when they only just met them today?!
...Do church leaders seriously wait to begin sermons until everyone is there? Or was this like a personal blessing thing? Is this normal? Times like these I regret not knowing much about Christianity, this might be easier to snark if I knew what was normal and what wasn't.
Really? That's it? I always thought going to church was more...interesting. You know, with singing at the very least.
Delusional. You are it.
At least Joan doesn't have anything against chess, the way Bella does. Also, this scene isn't even remotely sensual. I wrote scenes more romantic than this when I was first starting out writing, dammit. That's just sad.
Size matters when it comes to the kind of shellfish a man can procure for you, after all. u_u
Still convinced he isn't going to try anything?
You were blessed by Father Holden, you nimrod! Just a few paragraphs ago! He's not the pope!
I bet you say that to all the ladies. Blessed =/= married, and wasn't it marriage that matters? Also, bean bleassed. Sounds like some sort of exotic soup, no?
Joan, tell him to stop if you seriously give a crap about the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing. Otherwise, go at it and quit wangsting.
"Oy, you fuckwads, what the hell with leaving me tied up in that mansion with the vampires?!"
SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME COCKBLOCK! This moment made this whole chapter worth it.
I'm not sure what to say. When I first snarked this my allergies had made me so miserable that I found the whole thing boring. Now I still think the beginning is stupidly boring, but the ending has become more amusing to me. xD
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