Alastor reads the Twilight crossovers

[Alastor]

...Why does this fic exist?
Link.

This is an Evangelion fic, so it's only appropriate to have this:

I missed Shinji, Misato really badly. Hell I miss Asuka and she was a bitch to Shinji.

...What? First sentence and I'm already lost.

You see Shinji is my twin brother.

No. No fucking way.

I am can do things that only five other people can.

Let's see... In order of selection... Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Touji, and Kaworu. Okay, you got that right.

...but that implies this takes place after episode 24, which was when Kaworu was both selected/revealed to the other Children AND revealed to be the last Angel. The events of End of Evangelion occur shortly after, making this fic impossible. But fuck the carefully built timeline, not like it matters!

We fight things called Angels.

Clearly! It's nice to give an explanation to what the hell you're fighting, but that's something almost everybody who's heard of Evangelion (read: 99% of the internet) knows.

Its hurt to tell you what the Angels look and why they try to kill us. They do.

We don't know why exactly, though. This fic's guess is as good as mine, beyond trying to find what hides under Geofront and cause Third Impact (and thus we turn into Tang).

And you really couldn't give the Angels a general theme. >>

I have killed three

What. Bella. Killing three Angels. The very same Bella who couldn't do a fucking thing.

but none have showed up in a long time. I am in hiding. Someone (That's not an Angel) wants me die

Clearly it's SEELE trying to do good for once and rid us of a Sue.

and when I can I will go back.

...to find a highly dysfunctional group of people!

...actually now that I think about it, Bella fits in perfectly.

My name is Isabella Ikari

Gendo: "Dear, what happened to naming the daughter Rei?"
Yui: "...not being on my anti-depressants?"

and I am the third child and I am not 18 I am 15 but for some reason I look 18.

O... kay. The hell does this have to do with anything?

My Eva is unit 1 and only Shinji and I can use it

Well, duh. This is common knowledge that anyone who's looked Eva up on Wikipedia knows.

because of our mother's soul being in Eva 1

WHOA, WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.

but really I am the one who is Eva 1 the most Shinji doesn't like it and I am really the real 3rd child so yeah.

So.. Technically, you're the Fourth Child? Or is Shinji?

Shinji only does if he has to do it.

Everyone at NERV: "DAMMIT SHINJI, PILOT THE FUCKING ROBOT."
Shinji:

I was watching my phone because Misato was going to call soon telling me about Shinji and when I can come home.

Edward: "Uh, Bella? You're American. Not Japanese."

"Bella love are you ok?" I looked at Edward.

"Yeah, yeah I am." I told him.

Edward: "ARE YOU CHEATING WITH THAT KAWORU FUCKER AGAIN?!"

"Well bells you don't seem it. All you have been doing to watching that phone." Emmett told me. "Are you waiting for someone to call?" I nod my head. Emmett grabbed my phone.

Emmett: "You stole my phone! Again!"

"Hey give it back." I jumped up and yelled at him.

Emmet: "Hey, it's my phone!"

"No Bells never."

"Emmett give me my god damn phone." The phone when off. "Emmett give me my phone." I grabbed it and ran out of the house in to the woods. I picked it up.

"Hello?"

Other line: "Uh, Hello? Is this Tomino Pizza?"

"Izzy." I heard Misato.

"Misato I have been waiting you said 2:00 pm. Its 3 now what the hell!" I yelled at her.

"Well you see the times aren't the same." She was trying to get out of my anger.

Misato: "Calm down! Jesus Christ, I work at a defense organization, not to mention the timezone differences!"
Also, lolauthorname

"No you know what time it is here." I sighed. "Just tell me everything."

So that gives you the right to be a bigger bitch then Asuka, while ignoring that this woman has a job in the fucking military, trying to prevent the apocalypse?

"Ok well Shinji is doing good missing you like crazy hell Asuka is missing you. Everything at Nerv." She told me.

Misato: "Even Unit-01 is! And it can't talk!"

"Okay do you have any idea when I could come back?" I was so hoping that I could come back really, really soon.

No. YOu aren't going back to NERV. Ever.

"No I haven't and Shinji wants to talk to you."

"Put him on." I almost yelled at her.

"Ok god well Shinji and Asuka wants to talk to you." I heard her put on speaker for both of them to talk.

Oh this'll be good...

"Izzy!" I heard Asuka.

Wait. Asuka knows this is a self-insert fic...

"Bella." Shinji.

"Hey guys I have missed you like crazy." I told them.

Shinji: "...I haven't."

"Isa you have fucking come back! I can't take a woman who doesn't know how to clean and a boy who doesn't know how to stick up himself!" Asuka yelled at me.

"Now Asuka we have been over this. That is Shinji is. Right Shinji?" I chalked a little bit.

"Um y-y-yeah I guess." He tripped over his words a little bit.

"Still the same."

Holy shit! Asuka's... actually kinda in character! This actually might be go-

"SEE!" Asuka yelled. "And um Isa could you please sing the um song you made for you know?"

...

"Of course I will I haven't sing it in so long." I knew Shinji would want to hear I made the song for him and for Nerv and Asuka really liked how it sounded.

There's a copy and paste of the lyrics to Cruel Angel's Thesis, so I'm skipping it.

"Hey guys sorry to do this to you but I have to go. I love you Shinji and I miss you like fucking crazy bye."

"Bye!" they all yelled.

Asuka: "Oh thank Gott! That damn brat's gone!"

I have to get back to them. I miss them like crazy and I take stand Edward with the whole fucking 'be careful Bella it's a piece of grass you can die if you step on it.' HA if only he knew that I get in to a fucking big ass thing that was made to kill and I was the one doing it…

It's over! YAY! ...only there are two more chapters.

[Aunt Dew]

Please pass me the brain bleach, so I can forget this fanfic ever happened.

[Anya the Purple]

Never seen Evangelion, but I feel for you, man.

[Chibithulhu]

Same as Anya. Is it too much to hope she ends up comatose or turned into Tang?

[Alastor]

RETRO ZANKOKU NA TENSHI NO TE-ZE~!

Rosalie POV

Okay this actually kinda clever! Switch character POV to show how the character interacts with others in the post-apocalyptic setting!

...oh wait, that's what somebody could write would do. I'm not sure what's worse, that this idea would actually make a decent crossover with Twilight's absurdly dysfunctional cast in a very hopeless setting or that the writing is awful...

I saw Bella ran out in to the woods. 'Why would she be talking in the woods?'

Couldn't be your family being a bunch of jackasses...

I walked out as everyone was talking. I knew that Bella isn't Edwards mate.

*sniffs air* I smell Yuri subtext.

I found her and was listen in on her talking to whoever she was talking to but before she did I pulled out my phone and was recoding it.

How did she just do that?

"Hello?" She asked.

"Izzy." I heard a woman.

Rosalie: "Who the fuck is Izzy?"

"Misato I have been waiting you said 2:00 pm. Its 3 now what the hell!" Bella yelled at her. Who the hell is Misato I don't get this.

I know how you feel, Rosalie. I'm just as confus.

"Well you see the times aren't the same." She said but she sound like try to clam Bella down.

There's only enough room for one bitch around here. And it's not either of you.

"No you know what time it is here." Bella sighed. "Just tell me everything." Tell what oh this is good.

And this fanfic is painful.

"Ok well Shinji is doing good missing you like crazy hell Asuka is missing you. Everything at Nerv." She told Bella.

Asuka: "Only I'm not! Gott in Himml, brat is more annoying then Wonder Girl..."

"Okay do you have any idea when I could come back?" 'Come back?' what the hell is Bella talking about and who was this chick and what the fuck is Nerv.

...What. How the fuck has she not heard of fucking NERV? It's internationally known as the last defense of humanity!

"No I haven't and Shinji wants to talk to you." Her face got really happy.

"Put him on." Bella almost yelled at the chick.

Fuckin' bitch...

"Ok god well Shinji and Asuka wants to talk to you." I heard the chick put her phone on speaker for both of them to talk.

"Izzy!" I heard another girl.

Fact: Asuka is a Newtype.

"Bella." And male oh this was getting better I knew that Bella has being cheating on Edward.

Again.

"Hey guys I have missed you like crazy." She told them. Of course you have Bella.

"Isa you have fucking come back! I can't take a woman who doesn't know how to clean and a boy who doesn't know how to stick up himself!" the girl yelled at Bella.

Jesus Christ this so boring...

"Now Asuka we have been over this. That is Shinji is. Right Shinji?" Bella chalked a little bit.

"Um y-y-yeah I guess." The male tripped over his words a little bit.

"Still the same." Bella told him.

"SEE!" The girl yelled. "And um Isa could you please sing the um song you made for you know?" what song and for what.

The author is fucking lazy. You don't copy and paste the first fucking chapter with little changes.

"Of course I will I haven't sing it in so long." What the fuck is she fucking talking about.

I'm with you on this...

She started to sing and it was in fucking Japanese. What the hell.

Ignoring that she has to have a Japanese accent...

And yet another copypasta of Cruel Angel Thesis.

"Hey guys sorry to do this to you but I have to go. I love you Shinji and I miss you like fucking crazy bye." That was it she told the male that she loves him.

Always assuming...

"Bye!" they all yelled she was looking at the ground. I stopped the recoding and ran back to the house.

I had a big ass smile on my face.

..You and Asuka will get along wonderfully!

"Hey guys when Bella comes back we have talk okay?" they all nod. I couldn't wait. Bella came in and sat next to Edward.

Jasper: "...Go on. "

"Hey Bella is there you want to say?" I asked her.

Edward: "SHE'S CHEATING ON ME WITH KAWORU ISN'T SHE."

What can I say? Chicks love Morally Ambiguous White Haired Bishies (tm).

[Chibithulhu]

... She just copied and pasted the first chapter in a different Point-of-View? WHY?

Also, the lack of knowledge of canon makes me wonder- WHY does this fic exist? I've never seen the show, but if I wrote a crossover like this, it'd involve the Twilight cast being driven insane, because that's what non-fan-but-still-aware-of-it people know the show for! Plus, I'D WATCH THE DAMN SERIES FIRST! So I'd know the canon!

[Talys Alankil]

Augh, how many times will she rewrite the same scene ?

I have to join Anya and Chibi here — I haven't watched Eva, but this is just plain bad on its own.

[Alastor]

Because this fic has started to burn me out on the EVA opening, so we need some RahXephon-y goodness.

Bella POV

Chapter three, folks. So far the last one.

What the fuck was Rosalie talking about?

Bella: "Awwwwww shit, she found out about Kaworu!"

"What are you talking about Rosalie?" I asked her.

...That's redundant to say. Why not merge

"oh how about I show you." She pulled out her phone and hit some buttons.

...No. No fucking way.

"Hello?" Oh no she didn't that bitch. How dear she do that.

Actually how DID she do that?

"Izzy." I heard Misato.

"Misato I have been waiting you said 2:00 pm. Its 3 now what the hell!"

"Well you see the times aren't the same."

"No you know what time it is here." Sighed "Just tell me everything."

"Ok well Shinji is doing good missing you like crazy hell Asuka is missing you. Everything is good at Nerv." Shit now I know they will be asking about Nerv.

"Okay do you have any idea when I could come back?" and that too!

"No I haven't and Shinji wants to talk to you."

"Put him on."

"Ok god well Shinji and Asuka wants to talk to you."

"Izzy!"

"Bella."

"Hey guys I have missed you like crazy."

"Isa you have fucking come back! I can't take a woman who doesn't know how to clean and a boy who doesn't know how to stick up himself!"

"Now Asuka we have been over this. That is Shinji is. Right Shinji?"

"Um y-y-yeah I guess."

"Still the same."

"SEE!" The girl yelled. "And um Isa could you please sing the um song you made for you know?"

"Of course I will I haven't sing it in so long." SHIT!

'Zankoku na tenshi no youni
shounen yo shinwa ni nare
aoi kaze ga ima
mune no doa wo tataite mo,
watashi dake wo tada mitsumete
hohoendeiru anata.
sotto hureru mono,
motomeru koto ni muchuu de,
unmei sae mada shiranai,
itaike na hitomi.
dakedo itsuka kizuku deshou,
sono senaka ni wa,
haruka mirai mezasu tame no
hane ga aru koto,
Zankoku na tenshi no teeze,
madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
hotobashiru atsui patosu de,
omoide wo uragiru nara,
kono sora wo daite kagayaku,
shounen yo shinwa ni nare.'

"Hey guys sorry to do this to you but I have to go. I love you Shinji and I miss you like fucking crazy bye."

"Bye!"

And YET A-FUCKING-NOTHER COPY AND PASTE. This beyond laziness! This is beyond bad writing! Words lack the sheer fucking laziness to copy and pate the first fucking chapter multiple times! I feel I'm an awful writer, and even I don't do this!

"So Bella tell us why are you cheating on Edward?" Rosalie asked me. "With some jackass you can't even fucking talk."

...What the fuck does that even mean?

I was looking at the floor. I pulled out my phone I looked at a picture of Shinji. When I look at his picture it makes me feel closer to my brother. Rosalie grabbed my phone.

Emmett: "Y U KEEP STEALIN' MY PHONE?"

"So this who you are cheat on Edward with. He nothing to look at."

Rosallie "In fact, he looks rather girly!"

"You fucking bitch." I told her that and nothing else.

Jasper: "CAAAAAAAAATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT~!"

"What did you just say to me?"

"How fucking dare you." I looked up at her. She was pissed. So pissed that she thou my phone in to the wall.

Emmett: "GODDAMMIT, ROSE. THEY DON'T MAKE THAT ANYMORE."

"How dare me? HOW DARE ME? No how dare you for fucking cheating on Edward you little dirty whore!"

The conflict ball. It is being held by everyone

"You don't know me and you don't know Shinji. I am not fucking cheating on Edward!" I yelled in her face. Most people who weren't my friends knew because my anger.

...you have a personality?

"Bella how do you know Japanese?" Esme asked me. "And what it the song in English?" I looked at her.

....I'm starting to think that fanon holds Esme to be retarded. How the fuck does nobody notice she's Japanese?!

"I made that song up a year ago and it helps a lot of different ways."

Such as?

When we needed help we're in a fight I sing that song when someone is upset I sing that song someone in pain I sing that song. No matter what it helps people.

>Music as a helpful tool
>Mindfuck Super Robot series
>Evangelion

Uh, dear? RahXephon is that way. No, wait, RahXephon actually makes sense with out a fuckton of extra reading and rewatchings...

"And the song in English is." I started to sing the song in English.

And she proceeds to copypasta the English lyrics. I'd be a hypocrite to disapprove of this- hell, I plan cameo of Tune the Rainbow and Hemisphere in my Super Robot Wars fic because of RahXephon's importance to the plot- but this is just over kill.

"It's nice." She told me. I just nodded.

It is a kickass song, after all.

"Hey Daddy's girl get your ass out here!" I heard someone yelled and the thing is I know that preson.

It's somehow Asuka. She's really the only one who's mostly in character.

[Chibithulhu]

... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! What is with this idiot?! "Multiple chapters" does not mean "the same one, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, with barely different context"!

I agree that there are ways to do song lyrics in a fic *Comet grins*, but yeah. There's ways to do it right, and this ain't it. Personally, if I'm using a song, I'll just use the first couple lines and assume they continue unless it's REALLY, really necessary to have another section. And in that case, I'll just use the section where it's needed.

[Anya the Purple]

^Quite. I've nothing against sticking in a few lines of a song to indicate, y'know, singing, but this is kind of ridiculous.

ALSO: WHY THE HELL IS SHE POSTING THE SAME CHAPTER OVER AND OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN??? THE FUCK???

[Alastor]

Thankfully that's the last chapter so far. But not to let the thread die, I'll be turning this into a general 'Twishit/Mecha' crossover snarking thread.

Code Geass (4)
Escaflowne (1)
Gundam 00 (1)
Gundam Wing/AC (2)
Power Rangers (4)
Terminator (1)
Transformers (19)
Transformers/Beast Wars (5)

...well, shit. I've got a lot of reading to do.

And I found... this thing... in the misc. anime section. It's short as hell (and supposedly an EVA crossover), so I'll snark it right now. When I opened the page, a skull rose from my screen. Wonder if that's a warning of some sort...

Edward Cullen walked into the lair of the Vampire Pimps.

...Vampire pimps? The fuck?

"My name is Edward Cullen," he said. "and I am here to take it to the limit."

Abuh? The hell is going on here? I've heard of In Media Res, but this is just plain confusing.

The Vampire Pimps laughed. "Yeah, the limit! ...Of your abilities... Because... You'll be dead."

And this is badly written and an utter mindfuck! ...and considering half the stuff I like, that's saying something.

Edward drew his triple samurai swords, one in each hand, and one clenched between his butt cheeks.

...writer confirmed for eight year old.

Within seconds, all of the Vampire Pimps were dead. Edward ran over to Bella.

"Oh Edward, you saved me!" she said. Edward simply smiled. Then knocked her out with a sledgehammer.

ONE HIT KO!

Then plunged a crazy straw into her jugular and drank gleefully.

...wut. I'm just confused again...

Edward Cullen turned to face Darth Vader.

"My name is Edward Cullen", he said, "And I am here to take it to the limit." Vader screamed in agony. "Yeah, the limit! ...Of your mother."

My mind is full of fuck. That never has happened before.

"I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER, YOU WEENIS! I'M A VAMPIRE, LIKE LUKE!"

"Enough," said Vader, drawing his lightsaber. Edward threw up.

What the huuuuuuuuuuuuh? This is even more confusing...

"You're just forgetting one thing," he said, extending his triple lightsaber claws on each hand. "Well, two. Er, three on each hand. So technically, six things."

This fanfic is like the King in Yellow. It's eroding at my sanity.

Edward fought Vader to a standstill before making him eat his own necktie.

Huh? What? I'm fucking confused, guys. So fucking confused.

Edward slowly removed Vader's helmet, revealing the scarred, dessicated face below.

...How anticlimactic.

"I...Love you." They kissed.

WAIT WHAT. WTF AM I READING.


AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I've clearly lost my sanity, my readers.

[Chibithulhu]

So, ah... what does any of that have to do with EVA, again?

Also, confus kitten puff makes me happy inside.

[Talys Alankil]

Why does this make me think it was written by Comics Nix ? Somehow ?
(must agree with the kitten bringing happiness, too)

[Alastor]

Oct 31, 2011 23:04:08 GMT -8 Chibithulhu said:

So, ah... what does any of that have to do with EVA, again?

I have NO idea. My mind is just plain full of fuckery from it now.

[Chibithulhu]

Nov 1, 2011 5:36:49 GMT -8 Talys Alankil said:

Why does this make me think it was written by Comics Nix ? Somehow ?
(must agree with the kitten bringing happiness, too)

Naaah, ComicsNix tends to start off slowly before getting into the Batman/Robocop slash or the Bella fighting Hitler stuff. This just begins with mindfuck and goes downhill from there. There's a sort of bizarre coherence to Nixian fic I'm not seeing here.

[Talys Alankil]

^You have a point. But I wouldn't be surprised if the author was influenced by Nix.

[Anya the Purple]

OW MY BRAIN.

[Alastor]

Taking requests. Any suggestions?

[Chibithulhu]

Do you know anything about Code Lyoko? It's not Mecha or anime, technically speaking, (French anime-esque and takes place in a computer simulation), but there's this thing, which looks like a real stinker. Also, if you're a Miyazaki fan, by any chance... Someone crossed over Twilight and Spirited Away. And it's not a parody.

[Anya the Purple]

^Oh god. Say it ain't so, Chibi!

[Chibithulhu]

Sadly, yes. There's also a Ponyo crossover... technically... but I THINK it's a parody of some sort. I'm not sure what. But that one I'm almost certain is a trollfic.

[Alastor]

Nov 6, 2011 13:49:19 GMT -8 Chibithulhu said:

Do you know anything about Code Lyoko? It's not Mecha or anime, technically speaking, (French anime-esque and takes place in a computer simulation), but there's this thing, which looks like a real stinker.

not a Lyoko fan, sadly.

Also, if you're a Miyazaki fan, by any chance... Someone crossed over Twilight and Spirited Away. And it's not a parody.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

[Chibithulhu]

Yeah, thought so, just figured it was worth mentioning since it's closer to a Mecha crossover than Spirited Away.

And yes. GO AFTER IT!

[Anya the Purple]

DO IT, ALASTOR!

[Alastor]

I will soon. Need to rewatch the movie and wait until I'm not swarmed by schoolwork and coughing my lungs out.

[Alastor]

It appears the W00T Twins fic is gone.

Meaning I have the only archive of it.

What do?

[G-Viral]

Snark it? Immortalize its terribleness on this website forevermore?

[Alastor]

Already done it. >>

[G-Viral]

Submit it Memebase's Fandom section for Bad Fanfic Friday?

[Alastor]

Jan 4, 2012 22:56:44 GMT -8 G-Viral said:

Submit it Memebase's Fandom section for Bad Fanfic Friday?

Sure.