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Post by Admin on Aug 1, 2012 14:05:00 GMT -8
Well the hunters are trained in ways to combat the supernatural. So he would be quite agile and his fighting style would be evasive. Also fire, lots and lots of fire. The gear and tactics used by hunters vary depending on what creature they face. On the hoodie problem, i'll just hand wave that they are specially made, though the hoodies i wear allow me to move easily and are not bulky at all. He has flashbacks when he sees a particularly brutal crime scene. I couldn't get a lot of his backstory in because i was in a rush.
You can't just wave a problem like the hoodie problem away. Anyone that has experience fighting, whether martial arts or street, knows that you don't fight in loose clothing (unless its Judo and even then Judo fighters grab their opponents clothing a lot). It creates a rather large plot hole.
Honestly, wearing a hoodie could work if he was younger (say in his teens) and was slightly inexperienced as a fighter , but you describe him as being in his late twenties. Considering his age and possible experience fighting, it would make more sense if he was wearing a jacket of some sort. Personally, I own a leather jacket that has hidden pockets that are large enough to hide a small gun. Jackets are easy to customize and it is fairly simple to make jackets with hidden pockets that can hold various weapons.
I really recommend research the tools available for self defense to the average person on the street. For example, I had a custom pocket knife holder made that attaches to the front of my bra and I got my jacket with the hidden pockets at Wal Mart. I know many female students at the university I go to carry pepper spray in a little container that looks like a perfume bottle attached to their key chains. Modern self-defense equipment is really diverse and could help give you ideas for how he hides weapons on his body.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2012 22:01:22 GMT -8
I am a more of unarmed fighter. I train in boxing and different martial arts styles, so i wouldn't really now about self defense tools. Like i said earlier, the hoodies i wear are rather snug and are not bulky at all.
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Post by SkeksisGirl on Aug 2, 2012 9:17:13 GMT -8
@dantoon what is the fandom you're playing in... and pretty much to me... you make your character sound like Dean Winchester crossed with Jackie Chan.
As for me... my Werewolf character is sitting here going "We are stronger than Vampires!" and my vampire character is going "Who's the idiot that broke the masquerade? Was it Sabbat?"
On topic: Is my character a Mary-Sue? ::Digs out one of her characters from the closet.:: This is a character I use in a lot of stuff, she's in my Power Ranger's crossover, and I use her in RP a lot. She's a Highlander style Immortal. I'll base this one off the Power Ranger's Maddy.
Character Name: Madelyne Night
Character's Looks: Black hair, green eyes, tanned skin. Her back is covered in whip scars but it's rare to see it. She usually walks around in worn jeans, t-shirts, hiking boots and a duster. She always has a silver necklace with a dragon pendant around her neck.
Height/weight: About 5'9" and around 130 pounds, all toned and muscular.
Personality: Ranges from deadpan snarker to psycho hose beast depending on the situation and her mood.
Quirks: Big fan of video game cruelty potential. Plays the Assassin Creed games to kill things.
-Likes: Assassin's Creed, Chocolate, The Muppets, Dragons, Dinosaurs, Reading, Drawing, Music, Dancing, Hunting, Cooking, Animals.
-Dislikes: Dying, Religious people telling her what to believe, Bullying the little guy.
Fighting style/Weapon of choice: Madelyne prefers a sword, being what she is, but she is well versed in many different styles of fighting.
Backstory: Madelyne isn't sure exactly where she was born, the land and names had changed in the 5000+ years she's been alive. She's been a slave, a warlord, a wanderer, a fighter, but at her heart, she is a survivor. She's seen things that are no longer on this plane of existence, talked with gods, Demons, Dragons, and more recently, aliens. She was charged with the care of the last Dragon back before the time of Arthur, but she is mainly a place holder for the real caretaker. She has recently found him, and has been training him until she was kidnapped by Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd. At the moment she and her apprentice, Tommy Oliver are helping Rita and Zedd protect their planet from an invading force.
Equipment: Her sword, her wits, and whatever else is around.
Abilities: Madelyne is practically an omniglot, being around as long as she has, she's learned a few languages. She tends to revert to Gaelic when extremely angry and agitated.
Personal Quote: "I don't care how good you think you are, there is always someone better than you, always." and "Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2012 15:51:10 GMT -8
Wait, a Power Rangers and World of Darkness crossover? As for my character, he is solely World of Darkness.
Judging buy the way you wrote her biography it seems that she is a Heroic Sociopath. I don't like them much, unless they get embarrassed on a regular basis or they actually have something funny to say.
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Post by SkeksisGirl on Aug 2, 2012 17:04:40 GMT -8
Wait, a Power Rangers and World of Darkness crossover? As for my character, he is solely World of Darkness. Judging buy the way you wrote her biography it seems that she is a Heroic Sociopath. I don't like them much, unless they get embarrassed on a regular basis or they actually have something funny to say.
No. a Power Ranger/Highlander Crossover.
As for your character being WoD, is he an Imbued? Old WoD as in Vampire: The Masquerade or new WoD like Vampire: The Requiem?
Cause if he's old WoD, then Werewolves are far more powerful than the average Vampire running around.
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Post by Lady Phoenix on Aug 2, 2012 18:46:31 GMT -8
Mine is for a Yu-gi-oh fan fic. Please keep critiques about spoiler stuff in spoilers as well. Name: Rafa Abida Muhaymin Nickname: The Exoitic Duelist It actually comes from the fact she use to be an exotic dancer who would sometimes duel her clients. It's more of an insult Age: 16 Birthplace: Port Said, Egypt Family: Father (currently in hospital), Mother (divorced and lost contact when Rafa was a toddler) Duelist Level: 6/8 Stars (5 is entry level) Height and Weight: 5"9' and 138 lbs Looks: Athletic Build, Tan skin, Bright Blue eyes, White Hair [spoilers]Was originally black, but turned white in reaction to when Marik tried to use the Millennium Rod to control her[/spoiler] "Personality": Kind, sweet, polite, bashful, cute This is not her real personality, she was basically acting like this to gain the Kaibas' trust REAL Personality: Extremely passionate about her goals, curious, outgoing, polite, hardworking to the point of being a workhorse, very firm about her morals, patient Quirks: Can only speak broken Japanese, dislikes wearing skirts higher than her knees, Enjoys working multiple jobs Flaws: Language Barrier, being a workhorse (she will try to do multiple things, and sometimes works herself to poor health), that her determination can lead her to doing very extreme and dangerous things Likes [and Hobbies]: Botany, Biology, Dueling, Exercising (Weight Lifting and Judo), Jasmine Tea, Reading [in Arabic], Working Dislikes: Hypocrites, Short skirts, Reading [in Japanese], Being unable to fulfill her heart's desires, being unable to repay other's kind deeds, Anyone who threatens her loved ones [spoilers] Backstory: She and her father use to live near the Ports and her dad tended to move cargo about. She learned to be hardworking through her father, who tended to work his very hardest to provide for the both of them while trying to make time for her. Tragedy struck, however, when her father was knocked unconcious and suffered serious injuries when an accident happened while he was at work. To pay for the hospital bills, Rafa worked numerous jobs . . . including working as a stripper at late hours [by faking her age]. Sadly, the rumors about her night job started spreading around the school, where she was branded by her nickname "The Exotic Duelist". During one of her shifts, one of her clients paid the manager for a private room and attempted to molest her, only to be killed by Marik. Marik then paid for a private session with Rafa. Instead of dancing, however, Marik requested a duel with her, and then gave her a proposition: "I can give you a job where the pay is the best imaginable without being prostituting yourself." He then summoned Ra and accidentally knocked Rafa out. She woke up to find her hair turned white and was no longer at the Strip Bar, but rather Marik's hideout at the time. Marik then asked her to be a Rare Hunter and the job it entails, and Rafa agreed to it -- since she could get more money for her dad than when she worked 3 jobs. She was assigned to join Battle City, along with many other hunters. In the meanwhile, she was also assigned with stealing Rare Card, making deal with the Black market, and selling counterfeits. During this time, Rafa would develop this "cutesy" persona of herself, to basically sweeten deals and cause less conflicts. The problem however is when she sold some counterfeits to Hayato, one of the top Duelists in the Northern District of Japan. When he found out they were fakes, he tried to chase her down. Seto Kaiba, out of his rare genoristy, decided to hide her when they bump into each other in a bookstore. He then helped her find a few books she wanted. The moment she left the store, however, she was cornered by Hayato's gang, who demanded their money to be returned. Seto Kaiba then returned, still ignorant of the situation, and helped her out. The struggle, however, almost killed Rafa so the Kaiba decided to nurse her to health. It is at his home, Rafa decided to make up this story where Hayato was a human trafficker and Rafa's pimp. The sympathy story worked, and she stayed with the Kaiba's until the end of the week -- learning more about the brothers.[/spoilers] That's about all I have for now, what do you think?
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Post by Lady Phoenix on Aug 3, 2012 18:34:10 GMT -8
Yeah, I submitted my character. Dunno if you guys missed it cause of the weird error that happened around the same time. :/
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2012 23:12:47 GMT -8
Well, im the type of guy that thinks Yu-gi-oh's premise is the stupidest thing ever concieved (fuckin card games) so im not one to judge.
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Post by Admin on Aug 7, 2012 13:52:24 GMT -8
@ Phoenix, the main problem that I see is that her fake personality is too similar to her real personality and a cutesy personality isn't the best for the situation that the uses it in. Due to her having worked as an exotic dancer, you could make her fake personality more seductive or she could even switch between a more cutesy personality and a more seductive one depending on who she is interacting with.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2012 16:59:56 GMT -8
Agreed. It's not really a real personality if it's EXACTLY the same as the facade. Then there would be no point.
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Post by Lady Phoenix on Aug 7, 2012 17:03:37 GMT -8
@ Phoenix, the main problem that I see is that her fake personality is too similar to her real personality and a cutesy personality isn't the best for the situation that the uses it in. Due to her having worked as an exotic dancer, you could make her fake personality more seductive or she could even switch between a more cutesy personality and a more seductive one depending on who she is interacting with. Thank you. I'll consider tweaking her fake personality to it.
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Post by KeyOfTheTwilight on Jun 6, 2013 2:08:02 GMT -8
Here's my character in one of my stories. I might have a hard time abridging so here's the link to my story: link Kei Ito. A rich transfer student from Japan attends Bullworth Academy for reasons unknown. She's rumored to be in a sketchy family and she has been appeared cold to a lot of people in her classes and didn't look like she's trying that hard to interact with people, but she did kind of want someone to interact with. But in the end, they don't talk to her that long. So, she ended up a loner for a while until she met Johnny Vincent who just got dragged into class by prefects when he was trying to skip class. The class was in the middle of a project and Kei asked him to be her partner and in the beginning their interaction for the first time didn't go so well, but the next few days, Johnny tried apologizing to her and she just didn't seem to want to hear it. But then she apologized herself which caught him off guard and she claims they should be friends. Well, Johnny didn't say no and so, in some classes he went to he sees her and just hang around her. Her personality keeps throwing him around. She either gets cold around him one second, but then she gets all shy and sweet to him the next. Well, he never knew why she acts that way but, Kei had issues in the past like in her old school. {Her old life back in Japan}She used to be so timid and shy, she didn't know how to act around other people. People used to ignore her since she never interacted with anyone, but one day, a new student came to her school and took notice of her. This new student just went to her one day and just became friendly with her. This new student was a girl from america who seemed to have become instantly popular from her loud and out-going personality, but all of that was a lie. Right behind her personality is just someone who wanted attention and the popularity. And so, when she heard Kei is born in a rich family she went and befriend her. Kei believed this popular new girl and let her use her all she wants. She didn't understand this girl didn't care about her, she didn't understand at all. Until yeah. Bad stuff happened. And yeah. She now had a hard time trusting people including Johnny despite the fact they're friends. But, her issues with Johnny is actually for different reason. Actually: {Its got something that happened recently one year priore}It had something to do with her old love. He was very important to her. When she see's Johnny act in a certain way, she sees her old Boyfriend in him and wish ed to be near him in every possible way, but But when Johnny shows his own personality, Her old love disappears and sees Johnny. Which scared her and hopes she's not forgetting "Him" (Yeah, I've been calling her boyfriend him for a while) and is starting to fall for someone else. She afraid to lose the only person that actually showed her love and care that is outside of her family. She thought everyone didn't care about her existence, since no one ever bothered talking to her. And that thing with the new girl was all a lie. How that new girl showed her true colors is by 'Him'. He unveiled her and all that new girl doing to Kei was wrong. She was only interested in her money and nothing else. Kei was never invited for anything. Just to be there like an ATM. And Kei's Boyfriend confronted her and stopped all of it. Making Kei not trust anyone but 'Him'. So, yeah. Everything looked like it's going to be great until, Her homeroom Teacher confronts her and confesses his love to her and she rejects him and the teacher couldn't take it and decided to try and kill her on the spot. But, luckily her boyfriend was there and saved her, but sadly, he died and now she became traumatized by what happened to her lover and didn't leave her room and didn't talk to her father for two months. She's that crazy. It's almost like Bella, but I don't know. Which is more traumatizing? some guy trying to kill you because he could take rejections well and your boyfriend dies, or your boyfriend breaking up with you and leaving you in the forest alone in the woods? But yeah. Now she's conflicted with Johnny and just doesn't know whether to be open with him or just keep her guard up. Well, that's my character! And yeah. The spoilers are of course have yet to appear in my actual story, but I trust this place enough to leave them here for people to judge!
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Tigeranne
Member
I believe![Mo0:0]
Posts: 787
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Post by Tigeranne on Jun 9, 2013 9:46:59 GMT -8
Exhibit #1: Adelaine Owen.
Adie is the oldest of two daughters. She has recently moved with her mother to a new town, after her parents separation. Her father, who was a police detetive, went insane and tried to sabotage his wife and daughter's lives in many ways. He's currently missing, and believed to be dead. Adie feels torn between the memory of her father before his change and the happy life they used to have in their old home, and the new life her mother is trying to establish for her family. She is also worried that she may have inherited her father's madness, and constantly seeks to do the things that confirm she's still sane. The suppressed grief, and regret over how she treated her father the last time she saw him, wears at her more than she lets show. At the same time she's scared that she's not being loyal to her mother and sister, or even to herself, by holding on to the past.
It doesn't take her too long to get friends at the new school. She doesn't become instantly popular, but she makes friends with a small group of girls within the first month. These girls are not the "popular" clique, in as far as that even exists at their school, nor are they complete outsiders. She really appreciates their company, but doesn't always show how much out of fear of seeming clingy. Love and romance is not a topic, since she's currently not in a fit state for it. After what happened between her parents, a relationship with a boy is the last place she'd be looking for happiness and hope.
The plot itself mostly revolves around Adie trying to find out if a case her father could never let go of could have something to do with his mental illness, and her growing suspicion that there is something wrong with the town she lives in. There is not going to be any breaking in to secret archives, being chased by mysterious government employees, or kids taking down axe murderers. It's all mostly on the psychological plane. Despite the story's inherent weirdness, I'm trying to keep it mostly to what could have happened under the right circumstances. There might be some slight paranormal occurrences, but they don't really have any impact on the main plot.
As for Adelaine, she doesn't have any unusual abilities of any kind. She's not universally considered beautiful, but would probably be attractive to some people, subjective beauty and all that.
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makoeyes
Member
I AM LUCIFER GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD AND I WANT YOUR SOUL!
Posts: 896
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Post by makoeyes on Jun 10, 2013 21:28:42 GMT -8
Here's my character in one of my stories. I might have a hard time abridging so here's the link to my story: link Kei Ito. A rich transfer student from Japan attends Bullworth Academy for reasons unknown. She's rumored to be in a sketchy family and she has been appeared cold to a lot of people in her classes and didn't look like she's trying that hard to interact with people, but she did kind of want someone to interact with. But in the end, they don't talk to her that long. So, she ended up a loner for a while until she met Johnny Vincent who just got dragged into class by prefects when he was trying to skip class. The class was in the middle of a project and Kei asked him to be her partner and in the beginning their interaction for the first time didn't go so well, but the next few days, Johnny tried apologizing to her and she just didn't seem to want to hear it. But then she apologized herself which caught him off guard and she claims they should be friends. Well, Johnny didn't say no and so, in some classes he went to he sees her and just hang around her. Her personality keeps throwing him around. She either gets cold around him one second, but then she gets all shy and sweet to him the next. Well, he never knew why she acts that way but, Kei had issues in the past like in her old school. {Her old life back in Japan}She used to be so timid and shy, she didn't know how to act around other people. People used to ignore her since she never interacted with anyone, but one day, a new student came to her school and took notice of her. This new student just went to her one day and just became friendly with her. This new student was a girl from america who seemed to have become instantly popular from her loud and out-going personality, but all of that was a lie. Right behind her personality is just someone who wanted attention and the popularity. And so, when she heard Kei is born in a rich family she went and befriend her. Kei believed this popular new girl and let her use her all she wants. She didn't understand this girl didn't care about her, she didn't understand at all. Until yeah. Bad stuff happened. And yeah. She now had a hard time trusting people including Johnny despite the fact they're friends. But, her issues with Johnny is actually for different reason. Actually: {Its got something that happened recently one year priore}It had something to do with her old love. He was very important to her. When she see's Johnny act in a certain way, she sees her old Boyfriend in him and wish ed to be near him in every possible way, but But when Johnny shows his own personality, Her old love disappears and sees Johnny. Which scared her and hopes she's not forgetting "Him" (Yeah, I've been calling her boyfriend him for a while) and is starting to fall for someone else. She afraid to lose the only person that actually showed her love and care that is outside of her family. She thought everyone didn't care about her existence, since no one ever bothered talking to her. And that thing with the new girl was all a lie. How that new girl showed her true colors is by 'Him'. He unveiled her and all that new girl doing to Kei was wrong. She was only interested in her money and nothing else. Kei was never invited for anything. Just to be there like an ATM. And Kei's Boyfriend confronted her and stopped all of it. Making Kei not trust anyone but 'Him'. So, yeah. Everything looked like it's going to be great until, Her homeroom Teacher confronts her and confesses his love to her and she rejects him and the teacher couldn't take it and decided to try and kill her on the spot. But, luckily her boyfriend was there and saved her, but sadly, he died and now she became traumatized by what happened to her lover and didn't leave her room and didn't talk to her father for two months. She's that crazy. It's almost like Bella, but I don't know. Which is more traumatizing? some guy trying to kill you because he could take rejections well and your boyfriend dies, or your boyfriend breaking up with you and leaving you in the forest alone in the woods? But yeah. Now she's conflicted with Johnny and just doesn't know whether to be open with him or just keep her guard up. Well, that's my character! And yeah. The spoilers are of course have yet to appear in my actual story, but I trust this place enough to leave them here for people to judge! Nothing in your description made me think of Sues, except for whenever you said that her homeroom teacher tried to kill her. Her homeroom teacher being so obsessed with her that he'd kill her for rejecting him jumped out at me, but as long as it's not like Bella where every guy wants in her pants. Also, make sure that she actually has believable issues because of this. The difference between a "tragic past" and a Mary Sue "Twagic Past" is that the first actually has repercussions for the character and the character suffers for it in some way (or, at the very least, they don't whine about it). The Twagic Past on the other hand is usually more "glamorous" than the tragic past, and there's basically no point to it except to make the character sympathetic and give her a reason to angst. And yes, that's far more traumatizing than losing your chance at sparkly immortality. Just make sure she doesn't act like a sociopath like Bella. Exhibit #1: Adelaine Owen. Adie is the oldest of two daughters. She has recently moved with her mother to a new town, after her parents separation. Her father, who was a police detetive, went insane and tried to sabotage his wife and daughter's lives in many ways. He's currently missing, and believed to be dead. Adie feels torn between the memory of her father before his change and the happy life they used to have in their old home, and the new life her mother is trying to establish for her family. She is also worried that she may have inherited her father's madness, and constantly seeks to do the things that confirm she's still sane. The suppressed grief, and regret over how she treated her father the last time she saw him, wears at her more than she lets show. At the same time she's scared that she's not being loyal to her mother and sister, or even to herself, by holding on to the past. It doesn't take her too long to get friends at the new school. She doesn't become instantly popular, but she makes friends with a small group of girls within the first month. These girls are not the "popular" clique, in as far as that even exists at their school, nor are they complete outsiders. She really appreciates their company, but doesn't always show how much out of fear of seeming clingy. Love and romance is not a topic, since she's currently not in a fit state for it. After what happened between her parents, a relationship with a boy is the last place she'd be looking for happiness and hope. The plot itself mostly revolves around Adie trying to find out if a case her father could never let go of could have something to do with his mental illness, and her growing suspicion that there is something wrong with the town she lives in. There is not going to be any breaking in to secret archives, being chased by mysterious government employees, or kids taking down axe murderers. It's all mostly on the psychological plane. Despite the story's inherent weirdness, I'm trying to keep it mostly to what could have happened under the right circumstances. There might be some slight paranormal occurrences, but they don't really have any impact on the main plot. As for Adelaine, she doesn't have any unusual abilities of any kind. She's not universally considered beautiful, but would probably be attractive to some people, subjective beauty and all that. The only thing from that description that rang a bell in my mind is that she does things to try and prove her sanity. Do you have a good reason as to why she doesn't go to a therapist? I know there can be a good reason, but whenever we're talking about Sues, an actual Sue just haves bad things happen to them to make readers feel sorry for them. Yours doesn't really seem to be like. It's just that a lot of people would question why she doesn't get a therapist unless you have a reason why she doesn't.
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Post by KeyOfTheTwilight on Jun 10, 2013 23:29:02 GMT -8
Here's my character in one of my stories. I might have a hard time abridging so here's the link to my story: link Kei Ito. A rich transfer student from Japan attends Bullworth Academy for reasons unknown. She's rumored to be in a sketchy family and she has been appeared cold to a lot of people in her classes and didn't look like she's trying that hard to interact with people, but she did kind of want someone to interact with. But in the end, they don't talk to her that long. So, she ended up a loner for a while until she met Johnny Vincent who just got dragged into class by prefects when he was trying to skip class. The class was in the middle of a project and Kei asked him to be her partner and in the beginning their interaction for the first time didn't go so well, but the next few days, Johnny tried apologizing to her and she just didn't seem to want to hear it. But then she apologized herself which caught him off guard and she claims they should be friends. Well, Johnny didn't say no and so, in some classes he went to he sees her and just hang around her. Her personality keeps throwing him around. She either gets cold around him one second, but then she gets all shy and sweet to him the next. Well, he never knew why she acts that way but, Kei had issues in the past like in her old school. {Her old life back in Japan}She used to be so timid and shy, she didn't know how to act around other people. People used to ignore her since she never interacted with anyone, but one day, a new student came to her school and took notice of her. This new student just went to her one day and just became friendly with her. This new student was a girl from america who seemed to have become instantly popular from her loud and out-going personality, but all of that was a lie. Right behind her personality is just someone who wanted attention and the popularity. And so, when she heard Kei is born in a rich family she went and befriend her. Kei believed this popular new girl and let her use her all she wants. She didn't understand this girl didn't care about her, she didn't understand at all. Until yeah. Bad stuff happened. And yeah. She now had a hard time trusting people including Johnny despite the fact they're friends. But, her issues with Johnny is actually for different reason. Actually: {Its got something that happened recently one year priore}It had something to do with her old love. He was very important to her. When she see's Johnny act in a certain way, she sees her old Boyfriend in him and wish ed to be near him in every possible way, but But when Johnny shows his own personality, Her old love disappears and sees Johnny. Which scared her and hopes she's not forgetting "Him" (Yeah, I've been calling her boyfriend him for a while) and is starting to fall for someone else. She afraid to lose the only person that actually showed her love and care that is outside of her family. She thought everyone didn't care about her existence, since no one ever bothered talking to her. And that thing with the new girl was all a lie. How that new girl showed her true colors is by 'Him'. He unveiled her and all that new girl doing to Kei was wrong. She was only interested in her money and nothing else. Kei was never invited for anything. Just to be there like an ATM. And Kei's Boyfriend confronted her and stopped all of it. Making Kei not trust anyone but 'Him'. So, yeah. Everything looked like it's going to be great until, Her homeroom Teacher confronts her and confesses his love to her and she rejects him and the teacher couldn't take it and decided to try and kill her on the spot. But, luckily her boyfriend was there and saved her, but sadly, he died and now she became traumatized by what happened to her lover and didn't leave her room and didn't talk to her father for two months. She's that crazy. It's almost like Bella, but I don't know. Which is more traumatizing? some guy trying to kill you because he could take rejections well and your boyfriend dies, or your boyfriend breaking up with you and leaving you in the forest alone in the woods? But yeah. Now she's conflicted with Johnny and just doesn't know whether to be open with him or just keep her guard up. Well, that's my character! And yeah. The spoilers are of course have yet to appear in my actual story, but I trust this place enough to leave them here for people to judge! Nothing in your description made me think of Sues, except for whenever you said that her homeroom teacher tried to kill her. Her homeroom teacher being so obsessed with her that he'd kill her for rejecting him jumped out at me, but as long as it's not like Bella where every guy wants in her pants. Also, make sure that she actually has believable issues because of this. The difference between a "tragic past" and a Mary Sue "Twagic Past" is that the first actually has repercussions for the character and the character suffers for it in some way (or, at the very least, they don't whine about it). The Twagic Past on the other hand is usually more "glamorous" than the tragic past, and there's basically no point to it except to make the character sympathetic and give her a reason to angst. And yes, that's far more traumatizing than losing your chance at sparkly immortality. Just make sure she doesn't act like a sociopath like Bella. Exhibit #1: Adelaine Owen. Adie is the oldest of two daughters. She has recently moved with her mother to a new town, after her parents separation. Her father, who was a police detetive, went insane and tried to sabotage his wife and daughter's lives in many ways. He's currently missing, and believed to be dead. Adie feels torn between the memory of her father before his change and the happy life they used to have in their old home, and the new life her mother is trying to establish for her family. She is also worried that she may have inherited her father's madness, and constantly seeks to do the things that confirm she's still sane. The suppressed grief, and regret over how she treated her father the last time she saw him, wears at her more than she lets show. At the same time she's scared that she's not being loyal to her mother and sister, or even to herself, by holding on to the past. It doesn't take her too long to get friends at the new school. She doesn't become instantly popular, but she makes friends with a small group of girls within the first month. These girls are not the "popular" clique, in as far as that even exists at their school, nor are they complete outsiders. She really appreciates their company, but doesn't always show how much out of fear of seeming clingy. Love and romance is not a topic, since she's currently not in a fit state for it. After what happened between her parents, a relationship with a boy is the last place she'd be looking for happiness and hope. The plot itself mostly revolves around Adie trying to find out if a case her father could never let go of could have something to do with his mental illness, and her growing suspicion that there is something wrong with the town she lives in. There is not going to be any breaking in to secret archives, being chased by mysterious government employees, or kids taking down axe murderers. It's all mostly on the psychological plane. Despite the story's inherent weirdness, I'm trying to keep it mostly to what could have happened under the right circumstances. There might be some slight paranormal occurrences, but they don't really have any impact on the main plot. As for Adelaine, she doesn't have any unusual abilities of any kind. She's not universally considered beautiful, but would probably be attractive to some people, subjective beauty and all that. The only thing from that description that rang a bell in my mind is that she does things to try and prove her sanity. Do you have a good reason as to why she doesn't go to a therapist? I know there can be a good reason, but whenever we're talking about Sues, an actual Sue just haves bad things happen to them to make readers feel sorry for them. Yours doesn't really seem to be like. It's just that a lot of people would question why she doesn't get a therapist unless you have a reason why she doesn't. Thanks for the critique! Yeah, the teacher thing did sound kind of risky to and wondered if I should make it her bodyguard or something, like, the bodyguard had guarded her since she was a little kid and watched her grow, so in the end he ended up having a thing for her when she got to the age when she has now got a set of boobs. But then this fan fiction would just be about her, then. I'm trying to involve Johnny and the others more. Yeah, I've got a set of Ocs in this story and I'd just like to try and make things even. XD but yeah. I don't know who else that could be a good contestant when her past get's explained. >_>; and time will tell about the therapist... Hehehe Okay. It's not that evil. XD
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makoeyes
Member
I AM LUCIFER GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD AND I WANT YOUR SOUL!
Posts: 896
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Post by makoeyes on Jun 11, 2013 0:44:45 GMT -8
Thanks for the critique! Yeah, the teacher thing did sound kind of risky to and wondered if I should make it her bodyguard or something, like, the bodyguard had guarded her since she was a little kid and watched her grow, so in the end he ended up having a thing for her when she got to the age when she has now got a set of boobs. But then this fan fiction would just be about her, then. I'm trying to involve Johnny and the others more. Yeah, I've got a set of Ocs in this story and I'd just like to try and make things even. XD but yeah. I don't know who else that could be a good contestant when her past get's explained. >_>; and time will tell about the therapist... Hehehe Okay. It's not that evil. XD Don't mention it. I think having it be her bodyguard wouldn't make that much sense. If he's been taking care of her and protecting her for so long, why is he now deciding to hurt her?
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Tigeranne
Member
I believe![Mo0:0]
Posts: 787
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Post by Tigeranne on Jun 11, 2013 15:26:10 GMT -8
The only thing from that description that rang a bell in my mind is that she does things to try and prove her sanity. Do you have a good reason as to why she doesn't go to a therapist? I know there can be a good reason, but whenever we're talking about Sues, an actual Sue just haves bad things happen to them to make readers feel sorry for them. Yours doesn't really seem to be like. It's just that a lot of people would question why she doesn't get a therapist unless you have a reason why she doesn't. She's trying to protect her mother from more pain. At this point, the mom does not even suspect Adelaine of being "crazy" in any way. Nothing suggests she has any mental illness as of yet, she's just scared it could develop in the future. She knows that if she was going to see a psychologist, her mom would worry about her, and she doesn't want that. Things have been pretty shitty for all three remaining family members for over a year, and she has long since learned that her own life is also much better when her mother is happy.
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Post by KeyOfTheTwilight on Jun 11, 2013 21:06:27 GMT -8
Thanks for the critique! Yeah, the teacher thing did sound kind of risky to and wondered if I should make it her bodyguard or something, like, the bodyguard had guarded her since she was a little kid and watched her grow, so in the end he ended up having a thing for her when she got to the age when she has now got a set of boobs. But then this fan fiction would just be about her, then. I'm trying to involve Johnny and the others more. Yeah, I've got a set of Ocs in this story and I'd just like to try and make things even. XD but yeah. I don't know who else that could be a good contestant when her past get's explained. >_>; and time will tell about the therapist... Hehehe Okay. It's not that evil. XD Don't mention it. I think having it be her bodyguard wouldn't make that much sense. If he's been taking care of her and protecting her for so long, why is he now deciding to hurt her? ...Yeah you're right. Maybe I'll just keep the teacher after all. XP And maybe I'll just make a separate thing where it's a three or Two shot about her back story, maybe? I think it'll be a little easier, so it wouldn't take up everyone's spot light! XD But yeah. I wonder who else would be a better candidate for Kei's boyfriend's death. When I first brainstorming on Kei's past I was thinking if the boyfriend's friend would kill him by accident, but then, Kei would not go near his friend after that. {The friend}I was kind of planning maybe He'd blame Kei for his death and thought of taking revenge on her for it, but then it feels a little unnatural. So, it's actually not too late to change her past, but I don't know, maybe an accident, too? But I already did that with her mom, though. >.>
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Post by Madame Celeste on Sept 9, 2020 21:14:02 GMT -8
I know this thread has been dead for quite some time now, but since this site is starting to see some activity again, I figure I may as well give it a shot.
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I recently set up an RP on another website called “Afterlife” that focuses on a sort of ghostly detective/superhero agency where the ghosts of those who died before their time are allowed to stay on Earth in exchange for working for the agency to deal with a broad range of threats, ranging from relatively mundane mortal crimes to powerful supernatural entities (depending on each agent’s experience and overall strength/power, the latter of which in turn depends on factors such as willpower and age). The RP hasn’t actually started yet, but one of my characters for it still has some gaps in character development and admittedly still has certain other areas of concern, all of which I want to address before the RP truly starts.
The character in question is named Makaria (Kari for short): a trainee who was originally the ghost of a miscarried baby. In the Afterlife universe, these child-spirits need to be carefully raised on the other side, or else they risk becoming unstable, developing an irrational fear of the living and/or the dead, and/or suffering from various other mental or metaphysical problems. If brought up properly on the other side with a healthy degree of attachment to their living friends/relatives until maturity (even if the living friends/relatives are rarely made aware of it), a child-spirit’s metaphysical form will essentially “grow up” as their spirits mature and gain strength over time (this part is based on accounts of some mediums claiming to see infants’/children’s ghosts as having adult forms or otherwise looking older than when they died, but obviously will need to be handled very carefully).
In Kari’s case, the main complication in her after-death upbringing was that her living relatives either weren’t very good role models for her to attach to (she was the product of a drunken one-night stand that both parties quickly forgot about it, plus her birth mother turned to alcohol and drugs after the miscarriage to cope with the trauma) or would never even know she existed. The ghost who raised her (more on him in a bit) was able to make it work with a fair amount of mortal attachment for Kari given the circumstances, but as a result of that coupled with Kari never actually being born, she has more trouble than most in terms of understanding the needs of the living and can be inconsiderate and sometimes even cold toward them. This can easily get on the nerves of those in the agency who do understand the living and what it means to be alive, and is also the main reason why Kari has not yet been approved for field work.
Lastly, one aspect that needs more fleshing out is that I had planned on Aidoneus, an ancient spirit and the head of the agency, being the one who had raised Kari on the other side. More specifically, I’m trying to decide on a plausible reason why Aidoneus would take an interest in Kari’s upbringing (let alone take it upon himself to raise her) without it coming across as too Sue-ish or too creepy. Some possibilities I came up with include Aidoneus being a distant ancestor of Kari’s, or Kari possibly reminding Aidoneus of a child he had and/or never got to see while he was alive, among others.
In short, while all of this is still very much a WIP, there are certain areas of concern on my part that I hope to address to keep Kari from slipping into Mary Sue territory (if she hasn’t already).
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