SP441 Crusades against ErinOfTheCullenClan
Jul 15, 2012 19:43:22 GMT -8
Post by SP441 on Jul 15, 2012 19:43:22 GMT -8
...Wow, no one even cared, huh?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yawn, mornin' Sam, how you are tod- Hey, were are den guys?
I dunno Will, but they left this hastly written note here.
Really? What does it say?
"GONE TO FIND FRIEND, BRB"
...Well then I guess we don't have to do this anymore do we?
We do, Will.
What why? It's not like they've done us a big favor or anything...
Think about it, Do you REALLY wanna piss off Wrath?
...Good point.
=============================================
Chapper 4
ERIN: I haven updated this one becose I have been consentrating on Brewdening Love which is reelly good and exsiting now. [Sam: Like famous phylosopher Rene Cartes! Cogito, Ergo Sum!] [Will: Sis, "Cogito" does not fit this fic.] But now I am goin to do more reguler updates on this story [Will: Spoiler: This is the last chapter, she never updated this or Brooding Love ever again!] becose I like this stori allot. FICK OFF SINNARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 [Sam: Look at all those exclamations, Will, I think she's serious here!] [Will: I'm currently keeping my eye on these ones over there, they're up to something, I know it.]
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0oo0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o <-> Cute Bubles. [Will: OF DEAAAAAAATH!]
Joan appeered from the sku and went down to were everyon was. They were still at the see.
"We can not cross the oceen. It is too big and too deap for us to get over it." Alice told joan all confussed and concenered like.
"I will use the power invested inme by Edward to make sure you will cross the ocen: [Sam: Yep, first thing she does in the chapter is open up the stinkin' red sea, not a Sue.]
Joan lefted her hands into the air and stared to chat a acient song that made water go away.
[Sam: Jeez, that's some world class bad singing right there, what kind of song could be so bad that it could part seas?]
[Will: *Ahem*]
[Sam: OH GOD NEVER PLAY THAT AGAIN!]
The oceen splt into too and then everyone could cross the oceen.
"Thank you Holey Joan," [Alice: Yay, Kthx Joan for dividing a water giant, that's kinda cool.] They all thanksed her and crossed the see. Joan went back into the sjy wehre Edward was weighing for her. [Edward: You are FIVE POUNDS ABOVE THE AVERAGE! YOU STUPID COW!] [Joan: OH GOD MUST PUKE IN TOILET OR I WON'T BE PRETTY!]
"You are an eccellent wife."
Edward told joan and gave her a hag and a kiss. [Joan: Ok, what do I do with the witch?] [Edward: Shove it up your ass and sing the ballet of Bilbo Baggins.] "I am gald you were creeted. [Edward: By me... Because I am awesome... I'm God, you know?]
Joan loved Edward every much and her and Edward and jesus lived happy ass in Heathen. Then one day a ugly man with horns on his head and a pet snake turned up at heathens gates. [Will: Hey! Don't hate on Fassad!] [Sam: Do hate on Fassad, Prick took forever to beat... Stupid Boney why u no stronger?]
"I AM LUSIFER LET ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Satan demended demendingly [TEH DEVIL!: SOMEONE LET OUT THE GOD OF ALL FARTS IN HELL AND IT EXPLODED! I'M HOMELESS RIGHT NOW!]
"NO YOU ARE EVIL AND WISH TO BRING EVIL TO MY FALLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111" [TEH DEVIL!: Dude, You created me, If you don't want me to corrupt your followers then why the hell you made me evil?]Edward roored and made a godweepon in the air. Satan made a weepon to and they stared to fight. Joan and jesus hid becose Edward told them too. [Edward: Go and hide, Demigods who could be very useful against this powerful foe.] The snae fallowed them thu it, santa had told it to ate them both SO SATANISM COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Sam: That's... not going to work, Because snakes cannot eat humans, granted, it could poison them, but they're demigods, I think they have good poison resistance... Actually, A snake isn't much of a match to two humans, leave alone demigods.]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 [Will: Alright! I get it! Drama! Shut the hell up!]
Edward was wining agenst Satan. But satan could not be kulled. [TEH DEVIL!: You realized that we are two opposite forces that balance eachother and the universe could not exist with the absence of one of us?] [Edward: No, Erin's just a shoddy writter.] So Edward used a god punch and cent him back below the world to hell. But the snae was still looking for joan and Jesus and Edward dint even know that the snail was ther.
Joan and Jesus were hiding in a clood in the ski. They were reelly scarred and neevous. [Jesus: Oh Me I'm so scared, What can I do against a single snake? Beat it over the head with a log? That's impossible! I'm only a demigod!] They dint know what had happend beteen Ward and Satan. And they didn't know about the sneak. They thought they wear safe until.......................................................
THE SNAE APPEERED IN THERE CLOOD!!!!!!!!!! [Snake: ...It's Showtime.]
[Sam: Wow! Glad that's over! Now that wasn't so bad after all...]
[Will: ...Now what?]
[Sam: ...]
[Will: ...]
[Sam: Wanna go get some burritos?]
[Will: Yeah, sure! Why not?]
=============================================
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you didn't like the characters sporking, don't worry, this is the last spork they'll do.
And it's official, Next time, BREWDENING LOVE BEGINS!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yawn, mornin' Sam, how you are tod- Hey, were are den guys?
I dunno Will, but they left this hastly written note here.
Really? What does it say?
"GONE TO FIND FRIEND, BRB"
...Well then I guess we don't have to do this anymore do we?
We do, Will.
What why? It's not like they've done us a big favor or anything...
Think about it, Do you REALLY wanna piss off Wrath?
...Good point.
=============================================
Chapper 4
ERIN: I haven updated this one becose I have been consentrating on Brewdening Love which is reelly good and exsiting now. [Sam: Like famous phylosopher Rene Cartes! Cogito, Ergo Sum!] [Will: Sis, "Cogito" does not fit this fic.] But now I am goin to do more reguler updates on this story [Will: Spoiler: This is the last chapter, she never updated this or Brooding Love ever again!] becose I like this stori allot. FICK OFF SINNARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 [Sam: Look at all those exclamations, Will, I think she's serious here!] [Will: I'm currently keeping my eye on these ones over there, they're up to something, I know it.]
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0oo0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o <-> Cute Bubles. [Will: OF DEAAAAAAATH!]
Joan appeered from the sku and went down to were everyon was. They were still at the see.
"We can not cross the oceen. It is too big and too deap for us to get over it." Alice told joan all confussed and concenered like.
"I will use the power invested inme by Edward to make sure you will cross the ocen: [Sam: Yep, first thing she does in the chapter is open up the stinkin' red sea, not a Sue.]
Joan lefted her hands into the air and stared to chat a acient song that made water go away.
[Sam: Jeez, that's some world class bad singing right there, what kind of song could be so bad that it could part seas?]
[Will: *Ahem*]
[Sam: OH GOD NEVER PLAY THAT AGAIN!]
The oceen splt into too and then everyone could cross the oceen.
"Thank you Holey Joan," [Alice: Yay, Kthx Joan for dividing a water giant, that's kinda cool.] They all thanksed her and crossed the see. Joan went back into the sjy wehre Edward was weighing for her. [Edward: You are FIVE POUNDS ABOVE THE AVERAGE! YOU STUPID COW!] [Joan: OH GOD MUST PUKE IN TOILET OR I WON'T BE PRETTY!]
"You are an eccellent wife."
Edward told joan and gave her a hag and a kiss. [Joan: Ok, what do I do with the witch?] [Edward: Shove it up your ass and sing the ballet of Bilbo Baggins.] "I am gald you were creeted. [Edward: By me... Because I am awesome... I'm God, you know?]
Joan loved Edward every much and her and Edward and jesus lived happy ass in Heathen. Then one day a ugly man with horns on his head and a pet snake turned up at heathens gates. [Will: Hey! Don't hate on Fassad!] [Sam: Do hate on Fassad, Prick took forever to beat... Stupid Boney why u no stronger?]
"I AM LUSIFER LET ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Satan demended demendingly [TEH DEVIL!: SOMEONE LET OUT THE GOD OF ALL FARTS IN HELL AND IT EXPLODED! I'M HOMELESS RIGHT NOW!]
"NO YOU ARE EVIL AND WISH TO BRING EVIL TO MY FALLOWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111" [TEH DEVIL!: Dude, You created me, If you don't want me to corrupt your followers then why the hell you made me evil?]Edward roored and made a godweepon in the air. Satan made a weepon to and they stared to fight. Joan and jesus hid becose Edward told them too. [Edward: Go and hide, Demigods who could be very useful against this powerful foe.] The snae fallowed them thu it, santa had told it to ate them both SO SATANISM COULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Sam: That's... not going to work, Because snakes cannot eat humans, granted, it could poison them, but they're demigods, I think they have good poison resistance... Actually, A snake isn't much of a match to two humans, leave alone demigods.]
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 [Will: Alright! I get it! Drama! Shut the hell up!]
Edward was wining agenst Satan. But satan could not be kulled. [TEH DEVIL!: You realized that we are two opposite forces that balance eachother and the universe could not exist with the absence of one of us?] [Edward: No, Erin's just a shoddy writter.] So Edward used a god punch and cent him back below the world to hell. But the snae was still looking for joan and Jesus and Edward dint even know that the snail was ther.
Joan and Jesus were hiding in a clood in the ski. They were reelly scarred and neevous. [Jesus: Oh Me I'm so scared, What can I do against a single snake? Beat it over the head with a log? That's impossible! I'm only a demigod!] They dint know what had happend beteen Ward and Satan. And they didn't know about the sneak. They thought they wear safe until.......................................................
THE SNAE APPEERED IN THERE CLOOD!!!!!!!!!! [Snake: ...It's Showtime.]
[Sam: Wow! Glad that's over! Now that wasn't so bad after all...]
[Will: ...Now what?]
[Sam: ...]
[Will: ...]
[Sam: Wanna go get some burritos?]
[Will: Yeah, sure! Why not?]
=============================================
Patterson woke up feeling drownzy, trying to collect his thoughts and access his location. After several minutes of confusion, he finally managed to pierce togheter his current location: A dark, damp dungeon, filled with several cages dangling from the ceiling, some containing skeletons, the smell was of rotten flesh, invading his nostrils and causing disgust upon the detective, were he able to feel fear, he'd be quaking in his shoes by now, but, as of any other situation where he found himself in danger, all he could feel was minor concern, one of the few situations were he was grateful for his lack of emotions, as it allowed him to think more clearly.
He looked around him and saw several bars, and started to feel really cramped, it then suddenly hit him that he too, was inside a cage.
"How did this happen?" He thought, "All I was doing was..." He began to collect his most recent memories...
..."Why must this always happen at nights?" Thought Patterson as he stept out of his car, he disliked nighttime investigations, he didn't like crooks, and he could barely tolerate living in an apartment building, leave alone having to work into one. He called down the elevator and pressed the button that raised it to the 5th floor, at least he wouldn't have to listen to sappy music for long.
He calmly opened the door to the apartment number 24, and saw two people, one was a familiar figure, tall, dressed in black pants and jacket, complemented by a white shirt and red tie, he recognized it's wearer, a caucasian, blonde man with short haircut and blue eyes, and rather delicate facial structure. The other was in much, much worse conditions, namely, laid down on the floor, completely butchered, legs and arms separated from the body, and face reduced to a bloody pulp, lying on a strange circle with cryptic inscritions, filling Patterson with mild aversion.
"Agent Brian Smith, I presume" Patterson tried to make himself known to Brian, who, at the moment, was too invested in the crime scene to notice him.
Brian turned his head with mild surprise"...Oh, Detective Patterson, I received a call a few hours ago saying that you would be here shortly, Four hours isn't what I'd call 'shortly'" He said with a bemused tone.
"Yeah, sorry, the traffic was absolute shit" Patterson began to approach the body "So, what did I miss here?"
"This is the third body... yawn... this month, we're a bit stretched...yawn... thin here, most other cops are either investigating the other bodies or...yawn... looking into the recent kidnappings... Do you believe they're connected?"
Before Patterson could answer, he notices that Brian is yawning constantly, and has a restless look in his face. "Brian, how long have you been working on this one?"
"About 18 hours... no rest and eating only instantly noodles... I know it's not healthy, but I cannot rest well knowing that the bastard who did this is running amok, scot free, I must do my best to ca-" His abused metabolism finally gives in and he almost collapses, almost, if not for Patterson catching him.
"You've done enough already, tell you what, why don't you go back home, take a nap, eat something, and let me take care of this one for now? Come on, Hugo must be worried sick about you" said Patterson, trying his best to sound concerned.
While not entirely agreeing, Brian decides to accept the detective's suggestion, partly because of his own debilitated physique, partly because of not wanting to refuse one of Pat's rare moments of generosity. He picked himself up and left, leaving only Patterson and the corpse in the room.
"Alright, now to take a look at you, fella." Patterson began to analize the body. The arms and legs were clearly severed with surgical methods, most of the blood was absent from the local, suggesting that the blood was harvested. He then carefully moved the body and took a look at the strange circle, in the middle of the circle, he noticed that the simbols were a pattern of circles, with a cruxifix and a inverted cruxifix in the middle, "A cult of satanist vampires, perhaps?", he then analized the face, nothing extra from the first impression, other than the fact that it was far bloodier than the severed limbs, which didn't make much sense, considering that a severed limb bleeds a lot more than a blasted face, almost seens like an afterthought, something added for the sake of pettiness.
"What is the point of executing somebody like this?" he thought, he pondered for a few seconds before getting his senses brutally invaded by a strong chemical smell being forced upon him by a strong hand, before he could react, everything went dark.
..."Wakey wakey, sleepy head..." Patterson suddenly had his thoughts derailed by the unfamiliar voice, he looked upon it's source: A tall, dark figure dressed in a crimson robe, most of his face obscured by a cowl. "I was starting to wonder wheter you'd wake up at all, I told that idiot to not overdo on the anesthetic..." He said with a unnerving grim in his face.
"Who are you and what do you want from me?" Patterson asked his captor, still trying to keep his cool.
"Oh, don't worry... those questions won't matter in a few minutes..." He spat back with sinister delight, Before Patterson could summon a reply, the floor of his cage opened and he collapsed backside-first on the hard brick floor, when he looked up, he saw two swords crossed before him. "Don't get any ideas.", sounded a gravely voice from above, it's owner another dark figure holding one of the swords with similar robes of his captor, with a identical twin holding the other sword.
The duo held him by his arms and dragged him, following their leader through several poorly lit halls, until they entered a small amphitheater with many other robed figures seated on a tall stand, on the center, there was a altar detailed with human skulls and coated with dry blood.
"BROTHERS!" The leader yelled, "TODAY, WE BRING YOU ANOTHER SACRIFICE! OF THIS SINNAR WHO EMBRACES THE WAYS OF SANTA AND DENIES THE TEECHINGS OF THE LORD!", "Sinnar", "Santa", Patterson wondered were he heard those familiar terms before, but he had other worries on his mind at the moment, like being tied to the cold sacrifical altar. The leader turned back to him, "AND THOSE WHO EMBRACE THE WAYS OF SANTA, SHALL EMBRACE SANTA HIMSELF!" The leader continued to preach, before raising a ornate dagger upwards.
"This is it", Patterson thought, with minor fustration, "This is how it ends, with me being gutted by a bunch of weirdos on a creepy basement", He began to remember about Roger and Insanity, he felt the closest thing to sadness that he could, that he would never see them again, that they would never know what happened to him.
However, just as he began to accept his fate, a loud noise echoed through the room, and the leader was knocked out of his feet by a unexpected wooden door, blown of it's hinges, drawing the attention of everyone in the room at the defunct doorway, now covered in a cloud of dust. "Alright, who's in charge of this creepy sex dungeon and why shouldn't I beat you up like a needy gimp?" A loud, boisterous, familiar voice came from the cloud, and once it had settled, Patterson saw who it was: Roger, accompanied of a cheerful Insanity and one of the cultists missing his cowl and with a clear look of disconfort and panic in his face locked in a chokehold by Roger's monstruous arms.
"Took you pretty damn long to get here" Patterson said, trying to hide the delight that served as happiness for him. "Well, yeah, we had to deal with that stupid shitty fanfic, not to mention that we had to find you, we asked around the P.D, And they said that you were on that stupid apartment doing detective shit, we tried asking the investigators there for you, but they said they didn't see you. We would have given up right there if it wasn't for this doofus here, he cracked mighty fast I have to s-"
Before Roger could finish, The frigtened man yelled over to his comrades "WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE ONE HE IS MORE THAN HE SE-" Before he could finish, Roger tightened his grip on his neck, silencing him. "DON'T INTERRUPT ME!" Roger yelled with anger.
"GET THEM!" One of the cultists yelled, they then all hopped out of the stand and into the fray, drawing swords, flails, axes, and other kinds of medieval weaponary. "Looks like we'll have to save saving the safe Mr.Apathy for the last saving of the day huh Mr.Big Savior Man?" Insanity fired fast, "Good, I was looking forward for one hell of a fight anyway." Roger got into position.
A platoon of cultists came swinging their flails and swords, but much to their shock, Roger was very agile and jumped over them, by the time they had noticed what happened and turned around, the giant man charged into the group and knocked them over like bowling pins. Still not quite defeated, seven of the fourteen cultists got up and formed a circle around him, in an attempt to circunvent his agility by attacking on all sides. Roger quickly scanned the situation, the tense look on his face suddenly melted into a amused expression, he then confidently said"Oh, look at that, the tiny, baby men think that those butter knifes are going to hurt me! How unfair! Maybe I should break my arm to even things out! Tell you what, why don't you go ahead and give in the first strike?", He then leaned his face fowards and pointed towards his cheek. His mocking, non-compromising manner frightened the cultists, what kind of demon is he? He's openly mocking a group of armed men who have currently surrounded him? He cannot be human! They thought to themselves, however, not all cultists were intimidated by his talk, and two of them jumped right at him, towards his neck. "As expected!" Thought Roger, before both with each one of his hands, they had a second to ponder before promptly getting smashed against the floor, The other four suddenly snapped out of their fear and realized that he still had only two arms, deciding on a unspoken agreement to jump all at once, However, much to their surprise, Roger quickly ducked and they all went over him, smashing facefirst onto eachother.
"I guess four heads don't think better than one if they don't got a brain to share between eachother!" He laughed heartly over his fallen foes, But one of the cultists wasn't out of the fight yet, and came behind him with a machete, He performed a swing so mighty that the machete handle broke, and the blade fell to the ground, but not before leaving a huge bloody gash on Roger's back, causing him to yell out in pain, "This is what happens to those who defy the lord!", the cultist wanted to say, but couldn't, because Roger quickly turned around and hit him with a uppercut so powerful it knocked him several feet into the air before hitting the floor comatose, "THAT HURT YOU ROBE-WEARING SHIT SMUGGLER!" Roger yelled at his newest victim "Shit, it's not easy to get shirts my size..." He longed with irritation, before turning his attention on to Patterson.
"Come now, let's cut those ropes", Roger readied the sacrifical dagger of the leader, "Wait, what about Insanity?" Patterson inquired.
On the other side of the amphitheater, several other cultists surrounded the little Insanity, with weapons in hand and anger in face and mind, Insanity looked over at them with minor concern "Are you evil guys sure you want to gang up on a little itty bitty tiny guy like me like the evil bad guys you are?"
"Sorry, brat, but sinnars have to pay the price of a sinnar, so ready that jugular." One of the cultists said menancingly, clearly exalted at the premise of spilling blood.
Insanity looked down with slight disconfort, before turning up and saying "Well... I'm sorry then!"
The cultists were at first confused, then horrified, as Insanity's arm began to grow and twist, turning into a giant, fleshy tendril, before any of them could do anything, Insanity swung the appendage back and forth, knocking all of them over and into Morpheus arms.
"...Eh, he's fine", Roger had seen him do much worse before, so a giant fleshy tentacle wasn't very surprising for the big man, he then resumed to freeing his comrade, "We've been worried about you, Pat, don't go around getting kidnapped like that again." He then handed Patterson his gun, "Here, you dropped this back at that crime scene, now let's go home."
"Thanks partner, but there is one more thing I need to do." Patterson then turned his attention towards the broken remains of the wooden door that Roger had thrown into the cult leader, he swiftly kicked a few pieces away revealing his captor, slowly regaining conscience, "Alright, pardner, Why dont you fill me in on your little plan here? Otherwise I could fill you with bullets, that would work too." Patterson said, pointing his gun at the leader's forehead.
The confused cultist looked at Patterson and a expression of disgust and hatred marred his face, "The mistress shall summon the lord and send your worthless souls to the pits of Santa!" Before Patterson could say or do anything, the man quickly reached for a nearby blade and promptly slit his own throat, ending his life.
Patterson was taken aback by his last moments, to end his own life than to talk requires great devotion, and what's of this... mistress? Whoever she is, this guy is certainly not the headmaster of this crazy fest, Patterson reach towards his neck, and grabbed his pendant: A shiny, pink cruxifix, with a cyan outline... could this be the symbol of the cult? He puzzled over it while Insanity and Roger talked to eachother in the background.
"Huh, weirdo, killing himself over somethings so minor..."
"Hey guys what did I miss he- GASP!- BIG GUY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BACK YOU GOT BITTEN BY A BIG TANZANIAM MOSQUITO?"
"Yeah... You could say that..."
"WE SHOULD GET THAT TREATED! MOSQUITOS ARE NASTY FELLAS! YOU COULD GET ANYTHING! FEVER! YELLOW FEVER! DENGUE FEVER! MALARIA! RED FEVER! MORE FEVER!"
"Hehehe... Yeah, Don't worry little guy, I'll go to the hospital, Hey, Flatface, you gonna stare at bloody jewelery all day or you commin' to get a beer with us now that it's all over?"
Patterson looked over his shoulder and said "Sure, I'll take the beer... but this is far from over", He said over the silent glow of the pendant...
He looked around him and saw several bars, and started to feel really cramped, it then suddenly hit him that he too, was inside a cage.
"How did this happen?" He thought, "All I was doing was..." He began to collect his most recent memories...
..."Why must this always happen at nights?" Thought Patterson as he stept out of his car, he disliked nighttime investigations, he didn't like crooks, and he could barely tolerate living in an apartment building, leave alone having to work into one. He called down the elevator and pressed the button that raised it to the 5th floor, at least he wouldn't have to listen to sappy music for long.
He calmly opened the door to the apartment number 24, and saw two people, one was a familiar figure, tall, dressed in black pants and jacket, complemented by a white shirt and red tie, he recognized it's wearer, a caucasian, blonde man with short haircut and blue eyes, and rather delicate facial structure. The other was in much, much worse conditions, namely, laid down on the floor, completely butchered, legs and arms separated from the body, and face reduced to a bloody pulp, lying on a strange circle with cryptic inscritions, filling Patterson with mild aversion.
"Agent Brian Smith, I presume" Patterson tried to make himself known to Brian, who, at the moment, was too invested in the crime scene to notice him.
Brian turned his head with mild surprise"...Oh, Detective Patterson, I received a call a few hours ago saying that you would be here shortly, Four hours isn't what I'd call 'shortly'" He said with a bemused tone.
"Yeah, sorry, the traffic was absolute shit" Patterson began to approach the body "So, what did I miss here?"
"This is the third body... yawn... this month, we're a bit stretched...yawn... thin here, most other cops are either investigating the other bodies or...yawn... looking into the recent kidnappings... Do you believe they're connected?"
Before Patterson could answer, he notices that Brian is yawning constantly, and has a restless look in his face. "Brian, how long have you been working on this one?"
"About 18 hours... no rest and eating only instantly noodles... I know it's not healthy, but I cannot rest well knowing that the bastard who did this is running amok, scot free, I must do my best to ca-" His abused metabolism finally gives in and he almost collapses, almost, if not for Patterson catching him.
"You've done enough already, tell you what, why don't you go back home, take a nap, eat something, and let me take care of this one for now? Come on, Hugo must be worried sick about you" said Patterson, trying his best to sound concerned.
While not entirely agreeing, Brian decides to accept the detective's suggestion, partly because of his own debilitated physique, partly because of not wanting to refuse one of Pat's rare moments of generosity. He picked himself up and left, leaving only Patterson and the corpse in the room.
"Alright, now to take a look at you, fella." Patterson began to analize the body. The arms and legs were clearly severed with surgical methods, most of the blood was absent from the local, suggesting that the blood was harvested. He then carefully moved the body and took a look at the strange circle, in the middle of the circle, he noticed that the simbols were a pattern of circles, with a cruxifix and a inverted cruxifix in the middle, "A cult of satanist vampires, perhaps?", he then analized the face, nothing extra from the first impression, other than the fact that it was far bloodier than the severed limbs, which didn't make much sense, considering that a severed limb bleeds a lot more than a blasted face, almost seens like an afterthought, something added for the sake of pettiness.
"What is the point of executing somebody like this?" he thought, he pondered for a few seconds before getting his senses brutally invaded by a strong chemical smell being forced upon him by a strong hand, before he could react, everything went dark.
..."Wakey wakey, sleepy head..." Patterson suddenly had his thoughts derailed by the unfamiliar voice, he looked upon it's source: A tall, dark figure dressed in a crimson robe, most of his face obscured by a cowl. "I was starting to wonder wheter you'd wake up at all, I told that idiot to not overdo on the anesthetic..." He said with a unnerving grim in his face.
"Who are you and what do you want from me?" Patterson asked his captor, still trying to keep his cool.
"Oh, don't worry... those questions won't matter in a few minutes..." He spat back with sinister delight, Before Patterson could summon a reply, the floor of his cage opened and he collapsed backside-first on the hard brick floor, when he looked up, he saw two swords crossed before him. "Don't get any ideas.", sounded a gravely voice from above, it's owner another dark figure holding one of the swords with similar robes of his captor, with a identical twin holding the other sword.
The duo held him by his arms and dragged him, following their leader through several poorly lit halls, until they entered a small amphitheater with many other robed figures seated on a tall stand, on the center, there was a altar detailed with human skulls and coated with dry blood.
"BROTHERS!" The leader yelled, "TODAY, WE BRING YOU ANOTHER SACRIFICE! OF THIS SINNAR WHO EMBRACES THE WAYS OF SANTA AND DENIES THE TEECHINGS OF THE LORD!", "Sinnar", "Santa", Patterson wondered were he heard those familiar terms before, but he had other worries on his mind at the moment, like being tied to the cold sacrifical altar. The leader turned back to him, "AND THOSE WHO EMBRACE THE WAYS OF SANTA, SHALL EMBRACE SANTA HIMSELF!" The leader continued to preach, before raising a ornate dagger upwards.
"This is it", Patterson thought, with minor fustration, "This is how it ends, with me being gutted by a bunch of weirdos on a creepy basement", He began to remember about Roger and Insanity, he felt the closest thing to sadness that he could, that he would never see them again, that they would never know what happened to him.
However, just as he began to accept his fate, a loud noise echoed through the room, and the leader was knocked out of his feet by a unexpected wooden door, blown of it's hinges, drawing the attention of everyone in the room at the defunct doorway, now covered in a cloud of dust. "Alright, who's in charge of this creepy sex dungeon and why shouldn't I beat you up like a needy gimp?" A loud, boisterous, familiar voice came from the cloud, and once it had settled, Patterson saw who it was: Roger, accompanied of a cheerful Insanity and one of the cultists missing his cowl and with a clear look of disconfort and panic in his face locked in a chokehold by Roger's monstruous arms.
"Took you pretty damn long to get here" Patterson said, trying to hide the delight that served as happiness for him. "Well, yeah, we had to deal with that stupid shitty fanfic, not to mention that we had to find you, we asked around the P.D, And they said that you were on that stupid apartment doing detective shit, we tried asking the investigators there for you, but they said they didn't see you. We would have given up right there if it wasn't for this doofus here, he cracked mighty fast I have to s-"
Before Roger could finish, The frigtened man yelled over to his comrades "WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE ONE HE IS MORE THAN HE SE-" Before he could finish, Roger tightened his grip on his neck, silencing him. "DON'T INTERRUPT ME!" Roger yelled with anger.
"GET THEM!" One of the cultists yelled, they then all hopped out of the stand and into the fray, drawing swords, flails, axes, and other kinds of medieval weaponary. "Looks like we'll have to save saving the safe Mr.Apathy for the last saving of the day huh Mr.Big Savior Man?" Insanity fired fast, "Good, I was looking forward for one hell of a fight anyway." Roger got into position.
A platoon of cultists came swinging their flails and swords, but much to their shock, Roger was very agile and jumped over them, by the time they had noticed what happened and turned around, the giant man charged into the group and knocked them over like bowling pins. Still not quite defeated, seven of the fourteen cultists got up and formed a circle around him, in an attempt to circunvent his agility by attacking on all sides. Roger quickly scanned the situation, the tense look on his face suddenly melted into a amused expression, he then confidently said"Oh, look at that, the tiny, baby men think that those butter knifes are going to hurt me! How unfair! Maybe I should break my arm to even things out! Tell you what, why don't you go ahead and give in the first strike?", He then leaned his face fowards and pointed towards his cheek. His mocking, non-compromising manner frightened the cultists, what kind of demon is he? He's openly mocking a group of armed men who have currently surrounded him? He cannot be human! They thought to themselves, however, not all cultists were intimidated by his talk, and two of them jumped right at him, towards his neck. "As expected!" Thought Roger, before both with each one of his hands, they had a second to ponder before promptly getting smashed against the floor, The other four suddenly snapped out of their fear and realized that he still had only two arms, deciding on a unspoken agreement to jump all at once, However, much to their surprise, Roger quickly ducked and they all went over him, smashing facefirst onto eachother.
"I guess four heads don't think better than one if they don't got a brain to share between eachother!" He laughed heartly over his fallen foes, But one of the cultists wasn't out of the fight yet, and came behind him with a machete, He performed a swing so mighty that the machete handle broke, and the blade fell to the ground, but not before leaving a huge bloody gash on Roger's back, causing him to yell out in pain, "This is what happens to those who defy the lord!", the cultist wanted to say, but couldn't, because Roger quickly turned around and hit him with a uppercut so powerful it knocked him several feet into the air before hitting the floor comatose, "THAT HURT YOU ROBE-WEARING SHIT SMUGGLER!" Roger yelled at his newest victim "Shit, it's not easy to get shirts my size..." He longed with irritation, before turning his attention on to Patterson.
"Come now, let's cut those ropes", Roger readied the sacrifical dagger of the leader, "Wait, what about Insanity?" Patterson inquired.
On the other side of the amphitheater, several other cultists surrounded the little Insanity, with weapons in hand and anger in face and mind, Insanity looked over at them with minor concern "Are you evil guys sure you want to gang up on a little itty bitty tiny guy like me like the evil bad guys you are?"
"Sorry, brat, but sinnars have to pay the price of a sinnar, so ready that jugular." One of the cultists said menancingly, clearly exalted at the premise of spilling blood.
Insanity looked down with slight disconfort, before turning up and saying "Well... I'm sorry then!"
The cultists were at first confused, then horrified, as Insanity's arm began to grow and twist, turning into a giant, fleshy tendril, before any of them could do anything, Insanity swung the appendage back and forth, knocking all of them over and into Morpheus arms.
"...Eh, he's fine", Roger had seen him do much worse before, so a giant fleshy tentacle wasn't very surprising for the big man, he then resumed to freeing his comrade, "We've been worried about you, Pat, don't go around getting kidnapped like that again." He then handed Patterson his gun, "Here, you dropped this back at that crime scene, now let's go home."
"Thanks partner, but there is one more thing I need to do." Patterson then turned his attention towards the broken remains of the wooden door that Roger had thrown into the cult leader, he swiftly kicked a few pieces away revealing his captor, slowly regaining conscience, "Alright, pardner, Why dont you fill me in on your little plan here? Otherwise I could fill you with bullets, that would work too." Patterson said, pointing his gun at the leader's forehead.
The confused cultist looked at Patterson and a expression of disgust and hatred marred his face, "The mistress shall summon the lord and send your worthless souls to the pits of Santa!" Before Patterson could say or do anything, the man quickly reached for a nearby blade and promptly slit his own throat, ending his life.
Patterson was taken aback by his last moments, to end his own life than to talk requires great devotion, and what's of this... mistress? Whoever she is, this guy is certainly not the headmaster of this crazy fest, Patterson reach towards his neck, and grabbed his pendant: A shiny, pink cruxifix, with a cyan outline... could this be the symbol of the cult? He puzzled over it while Insanity and Roger talked to eachother in the background.
"Huh, weirdo, killing himself over somethings so minor..."
"Hey guys what did I miss he- GASP!- BIG GUY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BACK YOU GOT BITTEN BY A BIG TANZANIAM MOSQUITO?"
"Yeah... You could say that..."
"WE SHOULD GET THAT TREATED! MOSQUITOS ARE NASTY FELLAS! YOU COULD GET ANYTHING! FEVER! YELLOW FEVER! DENGUE FEVER! MALARIA! RED FEVER! MORE FEVER!"
"Hehehe... Yeah, Don't worry little guy, I'll go to the hospital, Hey, Flatface, you gonna stare at bloody jewelery all day or you commin' to get a beer with us now that it's all over?"
Patterson looked over his shoulder and said "Sure, I'll take the beer... but this is far from over", He said over the silent glow of the pendant...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you didn't like the characters sporking, don't worry, this is the last spork they'll do.
And it's official, Next time, BREWDENING LOVE BEGINS!