Whistlin' Dixie: A Good Ol' Southron Scandal

[Adlai Stevenson]

- Capitol Beltway -
- Richmond, Virginia -
- Confederate States of America -
- Friday, July 4th, 2008 -
- 6:00 AM, EST -
- The middle of a long, hot summer -

Jesus, I'm surprised I slept at all. I'll need every minute, especially to extricate ourselves out of another fine god damned mess.

Fine god damned messes, faulty military hardware, and apartheid. Three things Dixie makes better than anybody else in the world.

I guess it's in our history. All of our history. It dates back to long before the Treaty in 1865. It goes all the way back to 1776.

1776. I think about that date a lot. When I was at school at NC State, we talked about that a whole lot. Bringing things back together. Some of the bag-of-bones professors down there still talked about it.

Those who forget history are cursed to repeat it. And time and time again, we get caught up by our indifference, our hubris, and our ignorance.

What do I have on this hard drive? Shuffle, play . . . anything.

. . . Genesis, man oh man. I remember this back as a staffer for the party. I'm glad they didn't put it on the restricted list. They tended to do things like that back then, even with the other guys in charge . . .

Oh, pardon me, I haven't even introduced myself. My name is Robert Lane Gibbs, and I've got one hell of a job. I keep the Confederate President's executive member in his pants 'til he's served out his term.

Lord Almighty, there has got to be a better way to make a living . . .

~I must've dreamed a thousand dreams
Been haunted by a million screams
But I can hear the marching feet
They're moving into the street~

"ROOSEVELT VOWS TO REUNITE NATION" - New York Times headline, January 20th, 1941

~Now did you read the news today
They say the dangers gone away~

"JAPAN ATTACKS BRITAIN AT PACIFIC COLONIES" - London Times headline, December 8th, 1941

~But I can see the fires still alight
They're burning into the night~

"We must be concerned about the negro problem in the CSA, but we must also question if this problem is worth a second bloody conflict on North American soil." - US President Henry A. Wallace, October 15th, 1948

"DEWEY DEFEATS WALLACE" - Chicago Tribune headline November 3rd, 1948

~There's too many men
Too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Cant you see
This is a land of confusion~

"If we are to reunite America, we must allow the south their due course of state's rights." - US President Thomas E. Dewey, February 20th, 1951

"Mr. President, the greater cause of human rights should be far more important to free nations and free men than the hollow call of rights by those seeking to deny them!" - former Governor Harold Stassen, in response to Dewey

"CSA HAS A-BOMB" - Boston Herald headline, October 27th, 1952

~This is the world we live in
And these are the hands were given
Use them and lets start trying
To make it a place worth living in~

"We can now safely project that when all the votes are counted, John Kennedy has the electoral votes needed. John Fitzgerald Kennedy is now President of the United States." - John Chancellor, NBC News election night coverage, November 8th, 1960

"The United States comes from a noble tradition of freedom for all people at all times. We cannot stand on the wrong side of history in regards to the aggression of the Confederate States." - John F. Kennedy in a televised address to the nation, March 16th, 1961.

~Oh, Superman, where are you now?~

"US FORCES CONFRONT CS FORCES IN ATLANTIC"

"SOUTH BACKS DOWN ON CUBA"

"HALT TO US SEA BLOCKADE, WAR AVOIDED?" - headlines from the First Cuban Missile Crisis, 1962

~When everything's gone wrong somehow
The men of steel, the men of power
Are losing control by the hour~

"The Confederates continue to mock the rules of international trade and goodwill. The nattering nabobs of negativity within the Carter regime in Richmond have left us no other option but the use of force." - US President Spiro Agnew in an address to the nation on the invasion of the CSA by the USA, in protest of the Mexican Gulf oil embargoes, June 6th, 1977

"John Glenn has been elected President in the United States tonight by an overwhelming majority, and this observer prays that the gentleman from Ohio truly acts upon seeking a new course for his nation and their relations with the rest of the North American continent. To have the US back within the family of sane nations is a welcome sight for the continent and the rest of the world." - CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite, November 4th, 1980

"PEACE AT LAST?: Glenn, Carter sign ceasefire accords." - Kansas City Star headline on the Charleston Peace Conference, February 5th, 1981

"Let us not be brainwashed into making more southern enemies to placate the madness of a few." - former US Vice President George Romney, speaking at the University of Nebraska, February 12th, 1981

"PRESIDENT GLENN: WHIP INFLATION NOW" - Cleveland Plain Dealer headline,March 21st, 1985

"DOW DROPS 400 POINTS, Worst since '29" - New York Times, Monday, October 19th, 1987

"John Glenn is a pilot and astronaut. The man knows how to fly, but for the sake of our economy, he needs to be grounded." - Republican presidential nominee Donald Rumsfeld, September 7th, 1988

"Mister Gore refuses to see reason, just like his predecessors who sought to starve our people," - US President Donald Rumsfeld, June 10th, 1990

~This is the time
This is the place
So we look for the future~

"PRESIDENT TSONGAS: "IT'S TIME TO REJOIN THE WORLD" - New York Times headline, January 20th, 1993

~But there's not much love to go round
Tell me why, this is a land of confusion~

"There are reports of wide-scale voting problems and inconsistencies in Ohio at this hour, we are not sure who the President is . . ." - Walter Jacobson, on CBS News election night coverage November 7th, 2000

"It has been determined that the state of Ohio has been won by Republican candidate J. Danforth Quayle. He is now the President-Elect of the United States of America - report of the Special Electoral Commission of the US Supreme Court, December 1st, 2000

"The US is a strong nation, and a great nation. We should not apologize for it, we should embrace it. We should not weaken at the greater cause of freedom, we should defend it. We should not seek accommodation where it does not benefit our people or the cause of American freedom. We must put the greater cause of free enterprise and a free nation ahead of being polite." - President Dan Quayle, January 20th, 2001

~This is the world we live in
And these are the hands were given
Use them and lets start trying
To make it a place worth living in~

~I remember long ago
Ooh when the sun was shining
Yes and the stars were bright
All through the night
And the sound of your laughter
As I held you tight
So long ago
I wont be coming home tonight
My generation will put it right~

"That choir boy doesn't understand the way the world really works. If he was in Boston, I'd have my friends in blue have a little chat with him." - memo from US President John Kerry to Vice President Dick Gephardt in reference to CS President John Edwards, before North American Trade Talks, April 16th, 2006

~We're not just making promises
That we know, we'll never keep~

~Too many men
There's too many people
Making too many problems
And not much love to go round
Can't you see
This is a land of confusion~

~Now this is the world we live in
And these are the hands were given
Use them and lets start trying
To make it a place worth fighting for

~This is the world we live in
And these are the names were given
Stand up and lets start showing
Just where our lives are going to~

----

The first of (hopefully) many more. I haven't got everything totally planned out yet, just pushed to get this down on paper, or at least posted somewhere, today, 'lest I never did.

Alternative universes are a favorite subject of mine. This is one of them. The Confederacy (remember those guys?) gains its independence in 1865, leading to, well, just about everything above.

This story, however, will primarily take place in the CSA, circa 2008. John Edwards was elected President in '06 in a close race against one Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, and the events that unfold will, well, echo certain happenings in our world. Consider this a prologue to set the stage.