Post by Lady Phoenix on Oct 29, 2010 14:11:11 GMT -8
So here are my counts, since I love to do counts when it comes to Erin's story:
Religous Freak (RF) = Where this bitch continues preaching PARAGRAPHS ofThe Book of Matthew to the point where even the most Christian of folks will want to go Atheist and anyone who is already Atheist will want to punch out her teeth.
Slut = Where her OC is just PINING for an orgasm that she carries an vibrator strapped to her leg just in case Edward bails out on her at the last minute. Isn't Lust suppose to be a Deadly Sin?
Attention Whore (AW) = "PLZ!!! I NEED UR ATTENTIN!!!!!" This is where Erin and her OC will be overly dramatic.
Stupid = Because every piece of "literature" related to Twilight (plus the books themselves) should ALWAYS have a count the number of times the characters or the author does something that would make Seltzerberg and MTV look like intellectual geniuses.
Egotistical (Ego) = Where she acts like she's better than anyone else. Isn't Pride suppose to be yet ANOTHER deadly Sin?
Bitch = Where she's being a cunt. 'Nuff said.
Schizophrenic (Schizo) = (This won't happen until later in the story, I think, I'll let you know) this is cases where some of the creepy things Erin says come off as Erin not being able to tell reality from fantasy... Trust me, she's a loony alright
Plot Hole = (Once again, this happens later, in the new revamped snarkings) Where I count the holes in Erin's strories ( witnesses, not taking care of wounds, nature doesn't work that way, asspulls, random character appearances, etc.)
Already I am getting the vibe over the religious air coming from this fan fiction. Seriously, not a lot of people enjoy blatantly religious stories that slap them upside their face and shove themselves down the readers' throats—especially since not everyone is a Christian or a very strong one. It only isolates your viewers. (RF +1)
Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo
At least SOMEONE agrees with Bella being a bitch, but detracts it by saying what’d happen if SHE were Bella. In other words, this is a self-gratification fan shit with a Mary Sue insert being fucked by her dream man. And “tell moi?” Um, NEWFLASH: You’re not French and you’re not Miss Piggy, usually when people say “moi”, it usually connotates as them being an arrogant cunt. (Stupid +1, Ego +1, Bitch +1, Slut +1, AW +1, RF +1)
I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars) becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.
First paragraph and already I can tell you the story sucks. In fact, the first SENTENCE already tells you the suckage of this story. “…Sitting by the corner of my class, sitting by the corner in a desk”. You JUST repeated the EXACT SAME THING in ONE SENTENCE. By god, my AP teacher from last year, Mr. Cook, would eat you alive for such a redundant sentence.
She basically sees Edward as a steaming hunk. Never mind the fact she tells us time and time again that she’s “a god lil’ Christian” girl. I ain’t buying it.
She’s not a good writer at all. You don’t put Author Notes in the middle of your story for a reason—it distracts the readers—no wait! This doesn’t JUST distract readers… this AN SCARES THEM AWAY! Already they think you’re a religious psycho bitch that they probably dropped this story and flamed your ass the moment they read this shit—it the AN didn’t do that first… or the title.
You also don’t put useless details that have no point to the story either. I don’t give a shit that Edward used to look like some guy that was handsome before he gained weight, nor do I care you become obsessed over another TV show. In fact, mentioning the fact that you hate an actor JUST because he gained weight and turned to another TV show just because of that makes you sound like a tremendous bitch who hates fat people. (Stupid +1, Bitch +2, RF +2, Slut +1)
I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly. I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his atention. I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway.
Because every suethor must describe how hot and beautiful they are. At least it’s just a paragraph and not the whole entire story. I seriously think she is a whore if she has to pile on so much eyeliner and mascara. As far as I can tell, she’s trying oh so hard—oh so TOO hard—to get her precious Eddie to notice her. Sorry, I don’t think men like very forward women.
And she goes ahead and insults Mary Magdalene, Jesus’ closest bf. According to Wikipedia, Mary was neither a slut nor a prostitute—only making this cunt’s assumptions of her quite false. She was Jesus’ best friend who was loyal to Jesus until the very, VERY end and became one of Jesus’ apostles. As far as I know, Mary could have been a prominent example of Feminist history. Nowhere in the New Testament claimed that she was a prostitute. She also now sounds like an arrogant “perfect” girl. “ I don’t dress like a slut, so that means I’m popular!” Nope. (Bitch +1, Ego +1, Stupid +1, Slut +1, AW +1)
Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).
Too bad, God does NOT teach us to forgive others based off of looks. You’re sounding far LESS Christian and far MORE like a prostitute with every word you are saying.
And ONCE more, you must do the distracting AN that throws more Christian lessons into our throats than fastballs at the Little League Games. Once more, you are only proving you are a religious nutcase and distracting your viewers, distracting the already shitty quality of your story. (Slut +1, Stupid +2, RF +1)
I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING!! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!)
What’s that old adage that’s ringing in my brain? Oh yeah, “Pride goeth before the fallen.” It’s always ME, ME, ME. “I’m so fucking hot! Everyone loves me! Everyone tells me that I’m hot! I MUST be hot!” I think the only thing on these people’s minds will probably be this, honey: And trust me, hon, that’s not good. That’s just people thinking you nothing more than a prostitute in the making.
Seriously, don’t announce “FORESHADOWING”. Not only did you spoil it for us, but you just made your story go down the drainer. And seriously, most of us have read Twilight or know enough of it to know Edward glares at people he “likes”. We don’t need YOU to tell us that. We aren’t babies. (Stupid +2, Ego +5, Slut +1, AW +1, Bitch +3)
He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice. "Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk? So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.
Flirting FAIL. And like Puzzle Girl said, stalker, much? I guess this girl learned a lot from Eddiekins. Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that it will be poor EDWARD we’ll be rooting for to dump the stalker?
He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. He looks at me and turns away agin.
You heard it folks! She’s actually a HE! She’s a transvestite! LMAO And she sounds like the crazy bitch from the movie “Fatal Attractions” with Glen Close starring as said stalkeress. I can already imagine her saying “I won’t be ignored!” Men don’t like extremely forward girls—especially ones coming off as whoring, stalking nutcases. (Slut +1, Stupid +1, AW +1)
So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3
Seriously, does Phoenix need to choke-a-freaky-religious-bitch? NO MORE TALKING ABOUT GOD! IT’S IRRITATING! And I’m actually CHRISTIAN (hence my real name, Kristen). When you talk so much about God—or just any ONE subject, you’re going to freak people out and scare them away. (RF +1, Stupid +1, AW +1)
Stay tuned folks, as I dish out chapter 2 and rip it a brand new asshole.
EDIT:Forgive me folks, but this motherfucking cunt has pissed me off far too much. I fear if I dare write anymore, my blood pressure will increase to the point that it'll explode! I'll be sad to say that I will NOT continue snarking this story, I will leave the story to be snarked by another and they will have full rights to use my counter system inspired by Ludicrum... and even add on to it (but please be sure to define the new Counts for everyone). I'm sorry ppl!
PS: Please also check my thread and poll over whether to change the Twilight Fan Fictions into an actual Directory or simply keep it as a Subforum. No really count on how many voters before I make a decision. Maybe about 50 or so will be enough?
Post by Lady Phoenix on Oct 29, 2010 14:39:54 GMT -8
(Behold Chapter 2, which was done much later. This is the first appearance of Seto Kaiba being a co-snarker. He'll appear every once in awhile because I did go back and snarked chapters I did miss the first time around)
So Kaiba and I have decided to go ahead and tackle some of the chapters I missed when I first snarked this load of dung. Kaiba: *tied to a chair… again* Great… Oh pipe down. This can’t be as bad as the time you were forced to watch Spiceworld with Pegasus.
Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev ^^^Wow, for a supposed Christian, I’m surprised she can’t spell one of the most famous Biblical figures known by all… especially when their names are only 3-4 words *sighs and pats his back* Kaiba, Kaiba, Kaiba. We’ve already pointed out the spelling flaws AGES ago. You’re really behind on the times. If this is old, then why the fuck are we reviewing this shit? Because I want to. Ugh… (Stupid +1)
Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. Anyway Edward is much <3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
Funny, I don’t see “Thou shalt not flame” or “Thou shalt not criticize” anywhere in the 10 Commandments For a girl who claims to “Choose love”, she’s not afraid to call the unsatisfied reader “sinnr bitch”. I guess she can’t go to Heathen (even though we don’t WANT to go there) I think it’s suppose to be “Heaven” Just go with it. … Hm, she keeps claiming her character is Joan, not Erin. How much do you want to bet she’s going to call her character “Erin” anyway? Don’t need to. She does this in the next chapter. And better yet, she mistakes herself as Bella a few times! (Stupid +1, Bitch +1, RF +1, AW +1)
Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen. I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug.
You know, I don't get this whole “pray and you’ll get whatever you want” bullshit even though 90% of these people don’t deserve it. Oh just pray to some guy in the sky and everything will be fairytale nonsense Likewise. It sickens me as a Christian that these people basically treat God as some slave. You pray and then you expect God to give you whatever you want, and then have a fit when you don’t get anything like some spoiled brat. God is suppose to be the father. Your father doesn’t always give you what you want and is suppose to. He’s supposed to give you love and then guide your way into a happy, independent life. So yeah, asking God to get some random hot boy to fall in love with you and fuck you, all awhile this boy has no say to this… that doesn’t sound Christian all. No it does not. (RF +1, Slut +1)
It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were
And Erin is masturbating to them as always. Does she really expect us to believe that by reading the Bible, she’s Christian. Anyone can read the Bible for entertainment and not be Christian. Just reading a Bible doesn’t prove your Christian, Erin. It’s actually DOING the stuff the Bible says (or most of it, it’s very contradictory] that is what makes you Christian (RF +1, Slut +1)
I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. “Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning.” I say and they all star at me.
*mockingly* “He would like me because I am hot and a Christian.” BLECH! Erin, you know Pride is a sin, right? Oh wait… You know, if he’s angry at you, then he obviously doesn’t like you. Actually, that’s what happened in Twilight too. … What is it with women wanting to be treated like crap? And what does having a certain religious affinity have to do with whether a guy likes you or not? This is Erin we’re talking about… Oh. (RF +1, Ego +1, Slut +1)
They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn’t agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,3<3<3,#<#!)
Homophobic as always and using negative sterotypes… Name dropping random celebrities and stores… And, of course… Both: Worshipping Edward Cullen. (Stupid +2, Bitch +2, Slut +2)
“Why are you sitting here?” Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.
Growling is not supposed to be a good thing. What part of “Fuck off bitch” do you not understand? (Stupid +1)
“Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload” I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.
Wow, she’s quick to the point: all she wants to do is fuck Edward Cullen And using bad language unnecessarily, not very Christian is you ask me… and neither is lusting and flirting with random boys. (Bitch +1, Slut +2)
"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp
Edward doesn’t enjoy you being near him. HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU! HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND?! And more homophobia! Don’t you know gay camps are a form of child abuse--and don't even work at all?! This bitch needs to be slapped. (Stupid +1, Bitch +1)
“C’mon, lets go.” He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.
Well, she finally got the message. Maybe the Christian propaganda scared him off. Or the fact the first word you say to him is “I like you fuckloads.” Oh yeah… (Stupid +1, AW +1)
Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.
Ugh… the Mary Sueism starts to sink in. (AW +1, Slut +1)
The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him.
*looks at Phoenix* Why do I get the “Fatal Attractions” vibes from this Sue? You're not the only one. I got them too the first time I read this shit. Stalker much? *nods* Indeed. She's 100% stalker. (AW +1, Slut+ 1, Schizo +1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum. I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!!1111 <3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Hm… were there any DBZ characters in the shit? No. Shame… I would have loved to see them rip these pathetic excuses for “characters” apart. Likewise… So how was your first day? THAT WAS THE MOST AWFUL THING I EVER READ! This IS worse than the time I was forced to watch Spiceworld with Pegasus! I know… and it only gets worse. Just wait till we have to tackle the revenge chapters! (Stupid +1)
Post by Lady Phoenix on Oct 29, 2010 15:02:09 GMT -8
(I actually did snark this story previously, but for some reason it got deleted. Huh… Aw well, this will be the first story I will snark here so Kaiba will appear again)
Chapter 3: Collisions ^^^Huh, I think this is the first time I ever saw Erin spell out her title correctly. Actually . . . What? According to Black Sun, this was actually suppose to be named after the "Book of Colossians". Since I'm not a huge Bible reader, I kinda missed it. Oh. So she gets a stupid point then? Yes she does. (Stupid +1, RF +1)
OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!!11111 No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts >: ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Hey Erin, you are not exactly going to get any love if you yourself act like a complete bitch. Actually follow YOUR preaching first before you tell others to do so, bitch. This girl is a fucking hypocrite! She’s supposedly “Christian” and she cusses like a sailor and treats everyone like shit for not liking her story when it’s poorly written, racist, homophobic, and just insulting. WHO WOULD LIKE THIS STORY?!?! And what the hell is with FF not liking ~ or “luv hearts”?! It has to do with a feature on FanFiction.net that allows people to separate parts of their story with a long line. If Erin was the LEAST bit intelligent, she would have known FF.net has its very own word processor which has a feature that allows you to separate your story with said line. So in short, Erin is an idiot? What else is new? (Stupid +2, Bitch +1, RF +1)
/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/||/|| (These are ANGLE WINGS :3)
… What? *shakes head* Don’t ask. (Stupid +1)
Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.
Oh yes, so long as your stalking victim is not in class, it isn’t important. Just don’t pay attention to that class because it will no way have any importance to you in the nearby future. All you need is a man, who cares about something like “education”? … Man these morals are fucked up. (Stupid +1, Slut +1)
I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)
Hey Erin, instead of just telling us all this in an author’s note… why don’t you actually SHOW US you were in Forks longer than Bella Sue? I mean, this stuff might as well be pointless and disruptive, since in no way this fact is EVER MENTIONED AGAIN. (Stupid +1)
"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan.
Strange, the last time I recall, Amy Lee had black hair who wore dark clothing and practiced Christianity. So besides the religion, she looks absolutely nothing like this Jenny person. … Aw fuck, is this her attempt to jab at rock music and claim gothic music is inherently evil?! Erin, this is the year 2010, that bullshit flew out of the window AGES AGO. Rock Music is not evil and does not turn people into Satanists--everyone knows that! Kindly pull that head of yours out of your ass and GET WITH THE TIMES!!! I could go on a huge rant as to why rock music is not evil, but Linkara did that for me when he reviewed “Batman: Fortunate Son”. So instead of ranting about this idiotic notion, I’ll have Linkara and his guest at the end of the video do it for me: thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/linkara/at4w/10629-batmanfort (Stupid +2, Bitch +1)
"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily.
"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?"
"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically.
Hm… don’t words like “hot” and “erotically” usually have to do with sexuality? Yup. These girls are pining for men, like good Christian girls…. *gag* (Slut +2)
"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told.
Girl, we saw in the last 2 chapters that Edward has abosultely ZERO interest in you. With that, and the fact Jenny mentioned how the whole family is “mysterious”, what the fuck makes you think she’ll have ANY knowledge about the Cullens that will allow you to get close to Edward?! Mysterious = Unknown, Erin. (Stupid +2)
"O well he lives in the mountain I herd. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!
Wait, what WHAT?! What the hell, Erin, there was absolutely NO transition to this scene. She starts talking about Edward being in the mountain and then suddenly points Edward being at the end of the hall. No Erin, you need transitions, or else your audience will be confused. (Stupid +1)
He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows.
Note to whore, here’s a dictionary definition for you
scowl 1. To make frowning expression of displeasure 2. A facial expression of displeasure
These are signs of when a person is uncomfortable and does not like something. In short, Edward is not comfortable around you. If “loved” him, like you were spouting about in the last 2 chapters up until now, then you would actually follow his wishes and from him. What Kaiba is saying is this, Erin: EDWARD DOESN’T LIKE YOU!!! (Stupid +1, Slut +1)
"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot.
Wow, Erin, you just talk about how sexually attractive he is, even though he doesn’t like you. This is considered “sexual harassment” and that means it is illegal, and you are a whore. Hey, I thought according to these trash novels that these vamp— Meyerpires. Fine… Meyerpires sparkle in direct sunlight. We’re snarking a story about a Christian fanactic who has a obsessive, schizophrenic lust for Edward Cullen and a hatred for anyone who is not Christian, a Twitard, and/or heterosexual… Continuity failure is just a few rat pellets compared to the massive shitstorm this fan fiction truly is. Good point. (Stupid +2, Slut +1, AW +1)
"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park.
We will say this again… Both: EDWARD DOESN’T LIKE YOU, YOU STALKING BITCH (Stupid +1, AW +1)
He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...................................................................................A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111
HOORAY! Now run her over and turn her into a rotting piece of— She survives. … What?! … She doesn’t get hit by the bus. ……… *goes off in an inaudible rage* … Yeah, we’ll be right back folks. But seriously, Erin completely ruins her little cliff hanger by first saying the SOUND of a bus, only to reveal it is a bus. It’s almost a direct copy+paste of the exact same sentence. In short, Erin just failed at suspense. (Stupid +2)
OH NO THATS NOT GOOD! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3
So after the shit she gave us, she expect us to review it nicely like a bunch of dumbasses? Yup. Screw that. Here’s my review! *draws Blue Eyes* Blue Eyes! WHITE LIGHTNING!!! Blue Eyes: *Destroys This Chapter* Yes, yes! Myah ha ha ha! Destroy it! Destroy it all! … We still got over 30 chapters to go… …DAMN IT!!!! (Stupid +2, RF +1, Schizo +1)
Ok, I have a very special gift for my fellow snarkers… A CLIP OF LITTLEKURIBOH!!! *crowd cheers* Didn’t you go to Otakon and meet him? Yes I did. In fact, my profile picture of my facebook is me with him! Crazy fangirl… BEHOLD! Later folks!
Post by Darth Sariah on Nov 3, 2010 9:55:14 GMT -8
I had my own snark going but this one is much better.
I'd also like to quickly point out that chapter three is referencing another Bible book, specifically "Book of Colossians". Both a misspelling and a shift to the New Testament where the first two were the Old Testament.
Post by Lady Phoenix on Dec 5, 2010 9:58:47 GMT -8
(New snark, which means Kaiba appears again) Well it looks like Erin is updating her stories, so I guess I have to update my snarks. I’m still not sure whether I’m gonna snark the whole series or just sporadically, but for now I will snark Chapter 4 (and then upload my old snarks that followed).
4 – Savoir Hey Kaiba -- ! No. Ahhh, come on man . . . No. But she’s going to update the story and -- ! What part of “no” did you NOT comprehend?! I’m done, I’m not doing this shit anymore. I’m going out this door and calling the cops on you and -- *Gets hit by a dart in the neck and falls over* ALWAYS have to do it the hard way, don’t we? *drags him away*
A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU! n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her! DID I BAG HER NO! Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE. So anyway this is my 4th chapter. I am getting more excited wen i write this. I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
*Bound to a chair* If you didn’t “bag” Amy Lee, then why did you describe your friend Jenny as “Amy Lee but Christian”? And isn’t wrath a deadly sin, including the fact that revenge isn’t the answer? You know? “Turn the other cheek”? That whole “eye for an eye” crap was made by MESOPOTAMIANS, who were WAY before Christianity was ever conceived. And if Joan is supposedly NOT Erin, why did she refer to herself as Erin in the 2nd Chapter? Because Joan is a Mary Sue self-insert of Erin, what else? (Stupid +3, Bitch +1, RF +1, AW +1)
Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve. Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head!!!! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn’t see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!
If you didn’t know Joan was going to die, then you are a fucking moron. Didn’t this happen in Twilight? That Bella loser almost getting hit by a vehicle only to be rescued by Edward? Yup. Afterall, this is Twilight, only Joan is the new Mary Sue because Bella is a bitch. But we all know Erin and Joan are worse Oh hell yes they are. Although I’m still guessing exactly why a BUS is speeding towards Joan. Busses are not allowed speed around school parking lots. No, let me rephrase that, no vehicle of ANY type is allowed to speed around school parking lots. There’s a huge reason WHY, THERE ARE KIDS WALKING AROUND. This scene should not happened, AT ALL – in the original source AND here. (Stupid +2)
I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me but I couldn’t here her probably. The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse. I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn’t talk yet.
Um . . . what about the students in the bus? Nope? Nothing? This is why you don’t use a BUS, Erin, because it digs up even greater plotholes. And what’s this about “Oh, I probably didn’t here Jenny”. You either heard what Jenny was saying or you didn’t. (Stupid +2)
Then I saw something move from behind the bus. I couldn’t see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost! But he was gone befour I could get a good look. The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home.
Wait, you don’t even go to the hospital? The driver doesn’t need medical attention? What about the students? This plot hole is getting larger, Erin. (Stupid +1)
I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian. That night I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus. I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn’t think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn’t now.
STOP BRINGING IN THE BIBLE!!! It’s awkward in the paragraph, it’s pointless nonsense that don’t help the story, and you basically isolated anyone who ISN’T Christian as your fanbase. And what’s this bullshit about not telling your father that YOU WERE ALMOST ROADKILL?! Wouldn’t your father have already received a phonecall from the school at least about this incident? Do we have to start a PLOT HOLE count? We’ve counted at least TWO plotholes, Erin, and we can count a lot more in that goddamn accident too. This is why using a bus, of all vehicles, as a plot device to bring you and your dream boyfriend together is a very STUPID idea! (Stupid +1, RF +1)
I felt the bed sink beside me and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!!1 He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything. He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good.
RAPE! RAPE! What the hell are you doing Joan?! A guy comes into your window in the dead of night, sits on your bed, and touches you, that’s not romantic or sexy, Erin, THAT’S FUCKING FUCKING CREEPY! Both: CALL THE FUCKING COPS!!!! (Stupid +10, Slut +1)
“whgat are you doing here?” I asked him confused and he giggled.
“Too see you, obliviously.”
I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right. We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.
I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3
No, no, no, don’t smile! Tell your dad to call the cops! It’s useless, Kaiba, this bitch wouldn’t know stalker from a potential boyfriend. AUGH!!! This Twilight thing is STUPID!!! (Stupid +10)
The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.
Both: Auuuuuugh! We give up! It’s like being chewed out by Tea . . . if she found God. It feels like Erin is hitting my upside the head with a Bible. (RF +1)
“I think it was Edward that saved me.” I told Jenny because I new he wouldn’t laugh. “Oh my god gurl, how?” She asked all excited.
“I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.” I told her because I was excited. “And then he came to my house last night.”
Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us.
You know, if this is how you treat people how break into your house, then I seriously DO hope someone DOES break into your house, steal your crap, rape you, and then slit your throat. I think she’d sooner throw her arms around the robber and beg him to take her. (Stupid +10, Slut +1)
“What are you talking about?”
I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper.
They way they describe men makes us seem like we’re nothing but new outfit to just give away. That’s basically what Twilight men are: items And who says only men can be sexist? (Bitch +1, Slut +1)
“Um, nothing.” I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces
The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.
Maybe Edward is finally gonna snap her neck . . . I wish. Seriously, you follow a guy that can easily break into your own home? Are BEGGING Edward to rape you?! (Stupid +1)
:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Once again, why should we leave you nice review if you write a story that clearly put absolutely no effort into . . . ANYTHING? And you don’t attack other people huh? Funny, I believe you attacked my one piece of artwork as well as one of my old fan fics I had on Deviantart and claimed it was ugly. I love a bitch that lies through her teeth (Stupid +3, Bitch +1)
Well, that was oddly short. Still sucked for me, god this bitch is an idiot And there’ll be a new chapter coming up too! *sigh* If only this snarking thing was any faster. What other bullshit do we have to crawl through? Hm . . . something about Santanist Cults, the whole New Moon plagiarism, and – oh! – the REVENGE CHAPTERS. . . . I quit. Oh no you don’t -- ! *they fight*
Automated Voice: Due to technical difficulties we are experiencing, the snarker will no further comments regarding this chapter. Please enjoy this latest video created by Little Kuriboh and we’ll see you in our next chapter.
Post by Lady Phoenix on Dec 5, 2010 10:25:59 GMT -8
(Old Snark time!) Chapter 5: Confesson ^^^This is the part where Edward admits to Joan/Erin/Mary Sue that he’s a meyerpire. What an interesting and creative title! Ain’t that cute… BUT IT’S WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!!!! Seriously, that’s one of the most stupid, clichéd titles in the history of Titles! It even tops Yusuke’s rant about his own show’s Episode titles being unoriginal and idiotic:
And that’s saying something, considering the first episode was renamed in the English dub as “Surprised to be Dead”. (And this is coming from a huge YYH fan) Girl, you epically FAIL at writing suspense, whatsoever. (Stupid +1)
Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas. OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK? So be nice, which is better. think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE
Too bad you don’t have any good fucking stupid readers out there to actually praise your story.
As far as I know, no one wants to read your story because of the following: 1. You’re a religious nutcase and everyone hates super religious insanies 2. Your story is yet another clichéd Twilight story that has spammed FF.net’s vaults by the tank full (Self insert Mary Sue takes place of Bella, falls in love with Edward, go through the Twilight saga as them). I think most fangirls have gotten tired of seeing some random slut fucking their own “precious husband”—or people realize that’s just getting old REALLY fast. 3. The flames scared them off 4. Your treatment of people who don’t like your story as well as people that are not Christian, anorexic, or homosexual. Yeah, way to scare off your readers And yet you are so fucking stupid to NOT realize why you are being flamed? I even sent you a note saying all the things you’ve done wrong and you replied like the immature, racist cunt you are. You basically rival Bambi666, Tara Gisbelle (or however the fuck her last name was spelled), and Stephanie Meyer as one of the most blockheaded fucktards out there. You all can’t get the hint as to why your stories SUCK and BAWWWWWWWWW about it. (Stupid +2, Bitch +1, Ego +1)
ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX. 5 ooo (Seeing the site dosn't lik my diverders, the first devider will be a Bible quote from now on that is relovant to the chappy! or this case the autha not :3)
If you actually have a brain, you’d know that the ff.net document editor thing has it’s own divider you can use. And seriously, that’s not how you’d divide a section. THIS is how you divide it: ooooooo Blah blah blah ooooooo And once more, your abuse of the bible shows how much of a fucking hypocrite you are. The meaning is not how you deal with mean people but how you are forced to deal with the bad things when the guilt only drives itself deeper and deeper. I actually had to look that phrase up and now know you are FAR from a Christian. (Stupid +2, RF +1, Bitch +2, Ego +1)
Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds. It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care, which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live. We walked on and on and then we stoped. We were in the woords deep now and at the base of....................................a small motanny hill!
Um… didn’t Edward actually own a Volvo and was known for driving that around school? Yeah, where were you when he was in the parking lot? But then again, I don’t think you can drive most vehicles (ESPECIALLY expensive ones like the Volvo) through rugged forest terrain. You could have just had Eddie say “I can’t drive you because my car can’t get through this kind of terrain” And “small montanny hill”? First off, mountains are not small, they are BIG. This is coming from someone who has visited Maine, New Hampshire, Tennessee, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Alaska. I’ve seen mountains and they are definitely NOT small. You could have said “a large hill” or “a cliff”, but a “small mountainy hill” is NOT what you say. (Stupid +2)
"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing.
Once more, I question your Mary Sue’s “good Christian girl” act: 1. She’s cursing at something trivial (People tend to use WTF for something bad) 2. “I asked sexually” makes her sound like a whore, especially when in the context of “some fun or something” (Bitch +1, Slut +1)
"Joan I have somethong to tell you." he said and looked sad all of a sudan. I wanted to hug hymn better.
I dunno about you… but I think she is making cryptic obvious subliminal messages about hypocrisy and religion. “SomeTHONG” and “HYMN”? She’s either trying so hard to convert people or she’s just fucking stupid [or maybeDEFINITELY both]. (Stupid +1, RF +1, Slut +1)
"What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim.
Now you drop the sexy act. Hm… really makes you sound like an absolute whore when you’ve been trying to seduce Edward during the whole entire hike through the forst. (Stupid +1, Slut +1)
"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret." He sed brewdingly. A small teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time.
I believe I said in one of my flames that the word is “BROODING”.
And really, “I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time” is kinda redeundent. Just say “I was sad”. Or does your Sue feel bad because she’s taking pleasure in watching her dream boy cry? Or that she feels bad for acting like a huge slut? (Stupid +2)
"Joan, i'm not like otther guys."
"I KNOW that silly," I laughed happily
That’s just the dumbest response ever when some guy is mourning and telling you something important. Can you be anymore insensitive? (Stupid +1, Bitch +1)
"No, you don't get wut I meen." he turned and shivverd and looked sad even more. I frowned. Why was he sad?
DON’T PUTTING EMOTIONCONS IN THE FUCKING STORY!!!! (Stupid +1)
He looked back and spoke more. "Joan I'm actually an vampire."
I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE?! That's like really unholly and not good at all, i thought. I felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me. I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron.
"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap.
At least she got THAT right. (Stupid –1Oh wait!, Slut +1, Ego +1)
"He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun. he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok. I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs. I am a christina vampite!"
... *eye twitch* *eyetwitch* *eye twitch*…!!!!!!!!!! *Goes into a seizure in which she punches herself multiple time*
Rage… Rage… RAGE…
THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!! There is NO such thing as a Christian Vampire, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST, MOST IDIOTIC PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!
A Christian vampire is an oxymoron all on its own. Why? Because most of them sold their souls to the devil or had forsaken God’s will to BECOME A VAMPIRE, YOU STUPID GIRL!!! They have broken God’s law of dying so that they can enter heaven [or in the Cullen’s case, Hell] and drinking the blood of humans is NOT Christian (And don’t any of you give me that “Vegetarian Vampire” BULLSHIT after reading this next part). (Stupid +10, RF +5)
I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?"
"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still. I can't b wif you."
I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist. He was uba hawt and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me. I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest.
Devouring the blood of a human being is NOT Christian, you damn fool! Do you realize how wants to eat you?
Eat = Kill You + Devour Your Body/Devour Your Bodily Fluids Until You’re a Dry Husk
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?! That only shows the signs that you should RUN AWAY, not fucking DATE him! That is NOT a reason that he is your “Twu Luv”! That is a reason why he is a MONSTER that should be AVOIDED. But you’re just an idiotic slut thinking only about how hot he is—just because he’s hot means that he is a nice guy. Ted Bundy was hot, but he was a serial killer well known for rape and necrophilia. Not very Christian, don’t you think? (Slut +5, Stupid +10)
"We will work thru it. I love you." He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town. Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
This cunt is completely nuts! You don’t LOVE him. You only LUST for him. Isn’t lust considered one of the 7 deadly sins? (Stupid +1, Slut +1)
Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah. SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER!!! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3
No, you don’t love him, you LUST for him. And HOW is he a vampire? You never explained that, you only gave a paradoxical, asinine response as to how a Christian and a Vampire can come together, which I immediately pointed out how flawed it is.
And you complained how Joan is NOT you… and yet you admitted it RIGHT here that “I can love him”. Honey, your character is a mary sue of YOU. (And must I bring up how Joan referred to herself as Erin in Chapter 2?)
It’s funny how a religious nutcase like her can easily be called out by a person who is not as dedicated to her Christian faith and by people WHO AREN’T EVEN CHRiSTIANS. So when even non-Christians can see the bullshit in her stories, what does that make her? I give you three guesses.
If you picked “What is a hypocrite?” Then CONGRATULATIONS, you’ve won the grand prize of logic and a batch of e-cookies: (Stupid +5, Slut +5, Ego +1, Bitch +1)
I dunno about you... but I'm seriously in the mood to choke a bitch after reading his steaming piece of cowshit. Maybe I should start calling myself the "Angry Fan Fiction Nerd"? I can already picture the theme song:
She's gonna take you to ff.net To read the shitty fics that suck ass She'd rather have a unicorn spew magical unicorn mayo in her ear She'd rather eat the stinky assholes of some Marbolo and down it with ‘Dew She's the angriest reader you've ever heard She's the angry fanfiction.net nerd She's the angry mediaminer nerd She's the Angry Fan Fiction Nerd
And yes, I actually did an "AVGN" joke. I'm just about as pissed as him when it comes to this atrocity. I can already picture myself wear a white shirt with a pocket protector, downing Mountain Dew JUST to keep myself sane enough to read through this piece of monkey ball dog shit, and shrieking crude remark and f-bombs with about as much ferocity as the A-bombs.
Post by Lady Phoenix on Dec 5, 2010 11:43:18 GMT -8
(This is an old snark with some edits, this was also where the Schizophrenic count made its FIRST appearance [Hence why my other old snarks before 6 don’t have them, only the new snarks])
Chapter 6: SunShine! ^^^Um… HELLO!!! The book is called “Twilight” as in NIGHTTIME, as in THE SUN IS NOT PRESENT.
I can already tell this will be the part where Edward shows his girlyness by sparkling in the sun instead of bursting in into flames (or getting extremely weak, some versions differ). God… another part of the vampire lore ripped open and left for dead. (Stupid +1)
Heyo to every1! so nice to see you all again! :3:3:3 I had a wondeaful day today, because 2day I spend da day with Jenny! ^_^ We went shopping witch we had not done for a LONG while, and I bought a cute as T with bunnehs on the sleeves, so I'm in a grate mode! I'm complatly ignoring haters, because in the end sinnars want to be hatful you just have to ignore them. So heres to da storie!!!11 XD
Not only do we get a dumb blog about her life (save that crap on myspace/facebook/livejournal, hon, or just keep it short to why you can/can’t update), but she STILL ignores our flames and calls us “evil sinners” for dissing her story. Puh-lease bitch *snap*, we’ve proven time and time again that YOU’RE the evil, hateful sinner—not us. (Stupid +2, Bitch +2, Ego +1, RF +1)
oooooo"We love Him because He first loved us." John 1 4:9-10 (Naww)oooooo
And yet more ripping off of the Bible and using the Lord’s Word in vain. Allow me to fill you guys in on the REST of the quote using the People’s New Testament:
4:19 We love him, because he first loved us. His wonderful love in Christ fills every redeemed soul with love.
As in this applies to loving JESUS and GOD—not your girly, sparkly, and castrated disgrace of a vampire (who are AGAINST God, btw). The Christian Vampire bullshit has been discredited by me last chapter, and sparklepires are FAR more unholy then regular vampires (if that were possible). Once again, your hypocrisy does not amuse us and you have broken one of God’s 10 Commandments: “Thou shalt not use the Lord’s name in vain.” I think this also applies for using the Bible in the wrong context. (Stupid +1, Bitch +1, Slut +1, RF +1)
I dremt about Edward that night. He was standing in a medhow and the wind was blowing softy. He was standing there ONLY in black pants and he was reely riped and sex-ah. His wind was blowing through his orburn hare, and his brewding amba eyes looked at me so devinely. I wanted to walk up to hymn and hug hymn, but then I woahk up. I lied there and thought how sexy he had looked in the meadow, I really likd him alot. I didn't kno if we were togather thow, so I decided to fined hymn and ask tomorrow at school.
This is Erin masturbating to herself, nothing more. Seriously, you keep telling us how much you love Edward, but what do we actually see? We see some dumbass little whore who immediately finds a hot guy and masturbates over him night and day. We don’t see her giving any consideration over his personality or flaws. She even makes fun of him when he’s crying in the last chapter because he has some dark secret that seperates him from normal men! Like I said, this girl only cares about Edward on the outside, she only wants him for sex and money, nothing more. She’s not in love, she’s in lust. (Slut +5)
The next day at school i found hymn asked hymn. “are we going out?” I asked uncertainly, twizzling my adorbale red hare (I had died it a little while ago for a new look)
Once again, she has to used the Author Notes in the middle of the story. And we don’t give 2 flying fucks if YOU, the AUTHOR, dyed your hair red because it has nothing to do with the story. And NO, it is not YOU in the story but your Mary Sue, Joan. This only proves how delusional you are into thinking you are actually asking him out on a date. No, YOU are not in this story, YOU will never have this man as you bf/hubbie—THIS IS FICTION!!! (Stupid +1, Slut +1, Ego +1, Schizo +1)
Edwerd locked at me because he was studying for that Biologee clas (eRin - SEE, CONTINUNITY!). “Yes, but I can neva be truly with you due to the hungar for your bloood.” Said Edward, sadily. I froned. ” And there is something I want to show you after school.”He spoke.
I’m seriously not gonna bother with this too much. Twilight has already proven it to be a dead horse. 1. Edward does the infamous “Stay away! I’m dangerous!” Contradiction bullshit. 2. Author Notes once more (Stupid +2)
I was excited because Edwards wanted to see me after school and i wondered what it was he wanted to show me. All day at school i thought about what it mighr be, and hoped it wasn't anything evel or that (He was still a vampire you no, im just givving a 2nd chance).
More author notes that we don’t need. You could of written it as a sentence… and once more, I question your actual sanity when you speak about YOU, the author, cannot trust Edward. You are NOT in the story. I think this might be taking the word “escapism” going too far (which is called “schizophrenia”, honey). Would you like me to call the men in the white coats to take you away?
And the Mary Sue is going to stupidly follow the sparklephile… when he specifically told her to STAY AWAY. *facepalm* (Stupid +2, Shizo +1)
After school we met in the carpark and he led me to his car. It was a dark blue with silver rimming that looked reely nice. I got more excited as he opened the door for me and then got in the other side. He then sped out of the carpark and took me to da forrest to..............his house!!1
For the love of—DON’T USE EMOTIONCONS!!! Didn’t I complain about this in the last chapter? Write really emotion down, bring up suspense! Don’t take the lazy way out and tell us we’re suppose to be surprised, because we won’t. (Stupid +1, Slut +1)
His house was big and not 'modurn' in style ast all - it looked like a big Gotic/Romantic stile church but smaler and with more rock on the outside in that nice style peeple use to coat thier homes in rock. He took me inside and introduced me to his mother - MC and his father Carlise. They were nice though kinda boring and we talked for a while but then then took me up to his room where he had lots of Relient K CDS and a big bed.
You do NOT shorten an adult’s name to MC after JUST meeting her. It’s Mrs. Cullen to you, a complete stranger to her home. And what a bitch, brushing away Edward’s parents as “boring”! If I was Esme, I’d already throw her out if she for being a disrespectful little snot! (Bitch +2)
“I am going to show you what happens when i go in the sun.” He told me and loked ice sex-ahly. ;3 He then took off his shirt and stepped in front of a window. The sun shone on him and then he started to sporrkle like a diamond!!1 He looked so hot n obviously werked out. He looked exactly like in my dream because he was wearing black pants and had taken off a slimfit black tee from Abercrombu and Fitch. He smiled at me and then stepped away from the window and sat on his bed, i sat down next to him then I asked.
Did somebody say “fanservice?” More idolizing of a false idol, can we call her Super Whore now? (Slut +5)
“I thought vampires didn’t sleep?” “They don’t but it looks nice.” He told me and then he laid down and I laid next to him. He was all sexah lieing their, and I snuggled hymn. He rolled over and coddled me and i coddled him back and we started to kiss. I had don it before but my tongue had nevar felt fangs when doing it b4! I took off his shirt and then he took off my pink top (BUT I STILL HAD TH BRA ON SO SHUSH). Then Edward was on top of me and we caresed.
And you’re telling me that she’s a “Christian” after reading this? And once more, we find it very creepy that you mention you had your bra on… Good god, I think you’re fapping to your own fan fic right now. EW! Seriously, that’s fucking creepy, girl. Stop it! That’s really gross! PS: The whole “sleeping” thing was not funny at all, and vampires DO have to sleep. That’s why they’re called “Creatures of the Night” (AKA: “Nocturnal”). They sleep during the day. (Stupid +1, Slut +5, Schizo +2)
Then I felt something as he leened down again! “No STEP IT! NO1” I yelled and Edward rolled off me looking confused and sad agin. “I can’t do this yet," I look at hymn and frown because I'm sad for bof of us. "I am a Christen and we can’t have sex until we marri.”
COCKBLOCK!!! If you didn’t want sex, why the fuck were you leading him on then?! From the start you’ve been making dramatic soliloquies over how fucking hot this douchebag is and kept on making sexual references during the whole fucking fan fiction. Yeah, Mary Sue has turned from Super Whore to Mega Bitch in one swift motion. A rule to dating: YOU DO NOT TEASE THE MAN WITH SEX!!! (Bitch +10)
Edward looked sad at me and said, “it’s ok, i wont hurt you” and then he hugged me again, but got whoreny and tried again but this time i pushed him off and put all my clothes on. “You have to marri me first! I want it 2 but WE CANNOT!!” Edward put his clothes back on to and looked sad. I felt sad too because he looked sad (and had his shirt back on he he ;p).
COCKBLOCK AGAIN!!! I’m getting the snarking suspicion that she only wants to marry him JUST because he’s hot and wants to have sex with him 24/7. Trust me hon, those kind of marriages NEVER last long. And those kind of marriages are very unchristian, in my opinion, since they are not based on love but LUST. (Slut +1, Bitch +2)
“It’s ok, we can try again later but if we do it now god will be mad. Remember what it says in the bible - DO NOT WAIST YOUR SEED.” Edward said he understood and then we just coddled instead even though deep down I really wanted to do it with him because he was big and sexy, but i loved god too much and I didn’t want to go against my shuould always stick to whta you belive.
You know what? I’m not even gonna bother. We already know she’s a religious nut, no need to point it out now. And the last line sounds like something STRAIGHT from those clichéd Disney Princess Films with a mix of those corny “Be Absinthe” films straight from Catholic School. (Slut +1, RF +5)
Edward took me home that night and I walked in to see my father sitting at the table eating. He had had a hard day at work as the Mayor but he had cooked me diner so I sat down with him and we started to talk.
Wasn’t he a fireman in chapter 4? When did he suddenly become an elected official? Do I really have to make a Plot Hole count now? (Stupid +1)
‘where ytou been Joan?” He asked
“At my boyfriends” I said and dad looked shocked
“You have a girlboyfriend?” He asked
“Yes his name is Edwed Cillen.” Dad didn’t look happy so i left coz he's an asshole sometimes but I luv him and went to my bed and went to sleep so I could dremt about Edwars and what we wod do tomorow.
Doesn’t it say in the 10 Commandments to “Honor thy father?” What a bratty cunt! She calls her dad an asshole because he didn’t like the sound of her dating Edward Cullen. Aren’t fathers/parents usually wary of their teenage girls dating guys they don’t know or credited as not so nice boys? There’s a reason why Edward told you to “Stay Away” at the start of the chapter, and the father is only proving it more. Stop being a goddamn brat, Erin! (Bitch +5)
Menwhile, little did I know it there was another Vampire who thought I smilled yummy - AND HE WAS CUMMING TO GRT ME!!!!!!!111111111 oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
That was an epic failure. You just told us RIGHT there a vampire was coming after you. YOU DIDN’T EVEN GIVE HIM A DRAMATIC EVIL ENTRANCE!!! You know? The “Swoop into the window with a cloak and go “MWAH HA HA HA HA!!!”” You fucking suck at writing. THIS is how you do a dramatic villain entrance, hon:
Honey, you’ve got SERVED!!! BY TEAM ROCKET!!! (Stupid +5)
DUN DUN DUN! Those wh ohave red the book will know thier is James. But still, I promise to make him different so it's new, OK? Thanls for reeding everyone, I reely appreshit it!1 :3 Love From The Lord Upon Ye All! Xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox
Seriously, you’re not a good writer. DON’T SPOIL THE DAMN STORY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! Way to lose your readers right there (if the rest of this pile of monkey balls hasn’t yet). (Bitch +1, Stupid +1, RF +1)
I’m sorry if it’s not as funny as the last one, but there was really not a single thing I could joke at that has not been done. I feel as I have been beating around a dead horse.
Sure it’s fun for a while, but then you lose interest after 10 seconds. The last one had a ton of different material I could poke fun at and even create my own… this is just sad and makes me an angry bitch.
In the meantime, let us end this snarking with episode 2 of Yu Yu Hakusho The Abridged Series (Because I’m sure most of you completely watched through episode one after reading my last snark, might as well show you another eppie):
Post by Anya the Purple on Dec 9, 2010 21:04:33 GMT -8
This is one of those things that makes me want to RAEG about gay marriage and how stupid people are when trying to ban it. I'll put my rant in a spoiler so y'all don't have to read it unless you want to.
I don't get it. People think marriages like THIS (we all know it's gonna happen, even me, who's never read this fic before and usually can't detect obvious stuff) are perfectly fine, but marriages between two people of the same sex aren't? IDIOTS. Don't give me any shit about the "sanctity of marriage," stuff like this (and the fact that, what, 36% of all marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce? Don't quote me on that number, though. And not to mention all those drunk vegas weddings with people you don't even know where there are supposedly fake Elvises) just goes to prove that marriage DOESN'T EFFING HAVE ANY SANCTITY ANY MORE. Well maybe I shouldn't say that. Some marriages have sanctity, I hope. But letting gay people marry sure as hell ain't gonna take that away if all this shit hasn't. RAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post by Lady Phoenix on Dec 11, 2010 22:53:34 GMT -8
(New snark, which means Kaiba comes back again!)
Chapter 7 - Family Tyes ^^^Misspelled title is misspelled Because poor literacy is – ! No, we can’t use that joke, because the misspelling isn’t used on purpose to make it “cool”, this is Erin being a goddamn idiot. (Stupid +1)
Hey everyone!!!!1 I've got over 20 rewievs, that's epick! To the fake Christian who doubts my faith - How Dare YOU dowt my faith!?!?!11 I shal not be put of the Lord's paht because of FAKERS lik you. Believe means that we have to stick togather and be nice, so be nice and nt bitchee if you da reel deel mmk? THANK YOU! ;)Thank you all 4 reeding this far; I'm reely happy and God Bless You All! Have a nise day and please, NO MOR FLEMMING!11111 "Go, and do thou likewise." Thnks all! :3 xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox
I believe Phoenix said something about all 20 of those reviews you previous had at that time being nothing but flames, Erin. Itake it you never heard about the phrase “quality over quanity”. And how dare I doubt you faith? Well I dare that you aren’t a Christian because you do not follow the Lord’s teachings and basically twist the things he has said to fuel your selfish desires. Also, you are praying for some sparkly douchbag to be your sex slave JUST because he’s “sexah”. How’s THAT for not Christian? It’s funny Erin, how you’re doing the things you tell US not to do. Isolating yourself from an actual Christian and being “bitchee.” Shouldn’t you be following your own advice? I just take everything she says worth a grain of salt now. She’s an unchristian troll, nothing else. (Stupid +3, Bitch +2, RF +5, Ego +3, AW +1)
ooo "Bear one anotter's burdens." - Luke ooo
Too bad you don’t actually do that, Erin. Ripping off more Bible quotes and not following them, I think I’ve made my point. (RF +1)
It was da next day and I was having brekfast (Erin: Coco Pops, yah! ) and dad passed me the molk. He still seamed a bit mad, but as I said last chapter he can be an asshole so I ignor him.
So Joan now has the power to break the Fourth Wall? Does she even care anymore? You know, I believe somewhere in the Bible, there was something known as “The 10 Commandments”, you know, the basic guidelines Christians were supposed to live by. I believe one of them was . . . “Honor thy father”. It was basically that you were suppose to treat your parents with respect. So tell me, Erin, for a supposed “good Christian” like you claimed in your Author Notes, why do you treat your father with so much contempt? You claim he’s an arse and he’s a drunkard, but we never see it. I think you’re just like Bella, a bitch whose head is so far up her ass that she can’t see past her bullshit, and treats people who care for her like nuisances because they are not “sexah” sparklepires. (Stupid +1, Bitch +1)
"So Joan tell me more aboat Edward." Asked Dad.
I was scholked! Dad has never wanted to know about my boyfrends b4; it was so unlike him to give a shit even when he was not drinking!
Too bad we never actually seen him drinking before. (Bitch +1)
"Well" I started, "He's about my age, he's in a few on my classes and he's really ubeh hawt. We met a while ago and now we r going out!" I didn't tell him about the pormiscuity though, because it wasn't Edwerd's falt I just smelt that god for him. I thought and frowned because it seamed it might be hard to overcome da bloodlust.
If it’s so hard for Edward to get over the bloodlust, why the hell are you dating him? You’re basically just flaunting your scent all over and making it harder on him. Because he’s “sexah”, Seto. And we both know she never truly cares about what Eddy wants, it’s all about “me, me, me”. She wants a fuck toy, not a boyfriend. Selfish whore. Indeed. (Stupid +1, Bitch +1, Slut +1)
"That is grate Jone! I am hapapy for you!"
"Thanks dad!" I hugged him then left because he'd hit the bottle soon and becum a total fuckhead. Sometimes i wonder if he's even my fater.
. . . You are a 2-faced, selfish, whiny little BITCH! You’re not Christian at all, you’re a fucking fraud. You treat everyone that truly cares about your wellbeing like shit and you’re suppose to make us believe your good? Fuck no, you cunt, please kindly burn in hell where you BELONG! It’s funny, she keeps claiming her dad will keep drinking . . . and we don’t see him drink. Maybe he knows what alcohol does and doesn’t drink just so he can love his little “princess”. In short, he does love his daughter very much. Erin is the really she-devil, isn’t she? Oh HELL yes. (Bitch +10)
Edwred was at school when we arrived, and he introdouched me to his family propper.
"Hey I'm everyone, Joan!! And I'm currently dating your spunky bro here!" I said and hugged him tightly. He blushed and huggled me back. :3
"Yeah, I herd." Said Rosalie.
Hey, wasn’t Rosalie opposed to Bella and Edward being together? This is a mary sue fix, Kaiba, no one opposes the true love unless they’re jealous. That, and the rest of Cullens don’t really appear long enough to actually be considered characters . . . except for the boys, who become fuck toys themselves. I hate this goddamn book. People complain when WE objectify women, but if women when start portraying us as boy toys that follow their every whim, no one cries foul? Sexism is a 2 way street, sadly people think it’s only populated by guys because of the long, history of patriarchy. (AW +1)
"Has he told you we're Vampires?" Asked Alice askingly.
Um, askingly isn’t a word . . . and it’s kinda a redundant one after you just said “asked Alice” (Stupid +1)
"Yah he has, and apparently I smell hawt!" I roared happily.
“My new boyfriend wants to eat me like a sirloin steak, but I think that’s a turn on AND a compliment at the same time!” If you’re reading this, Erin, I was being sarcastic. You are an IDIOT. (Stupid +1, Ego +1)
Everyone laurfed but then went serious. Emment told me seriously: "It's tru tho. I suffest you be careful until we adapt to your scent. We have to b carful around you for a while mmk?"
Are you serious? This whole entire PARAGRAPH is nothing but redundancy! First off, why is Emmet talking to you seriously when you have ALREADY stated the mood is already serious? Second, he says, “We need to be careful around you” TWICE! TWICE! Have you never heard the words “proofread”, you idiotic bimbo! (Stupid +2)
I nodded, and Jenny pooped into my mind. I had to tell Jaser! "Oh btw Japster," I told Jasper adorabliy, "My friend Jenny thinks your a big and sexy guy. I'll tell her abot the Christian Vampire thing and you 2 can date ja?" He blushed and nodded. (Erni: See Jen-Jen, I DID THIS FOR YO!!! ;2)
So even though Edward told you he wants to eat you and Emmet has already warned you – twice, I might add – about being careful around you . . . You hook up your best friend with a MEYERPIRE?! Seeing how these 2 girls get in a shaky relationship quite a few times in the later chapters, I don’t know whether this is just a secret way to spite her best friend by hooking her up with someone who can easily kill her, or if Erin is just that dumb. Either way, she’s getting the points. (Stupid +10, Bitch +5, Slut +1, Schizo +1)
We were getting along great after awhile and soon we walked into the Cafeterra. I was talking about the girls and dressing tips - I was wearing a long white sweater with a flooing red skirt and stocksings and heals, and my hair was in epik ponytails and I had red mascara. They were wearing nice things too. We talked and talked, and then they all froze, and Edward........smacked me to the ground!!1
More costume porn. Notice how she will write explicit details over what SHE is wearing, but when it comes to her friends, Erin just goes “Oh, they’re wearing nice stuff too.” EGO much? Isn’t vanity a deadly sin? Yes, Kaiba, it most certainly IS! And by the way, unless you have a white blouse underneath, you should NEVER wear a white sweater. Why? BECAUSE WHITE IS SEE-THROUGH! (Ego +1, AW +1, Slut +1)
THEN THROUGHT THE WINDOW CAME JAMES AND JUMPED RIGHT INTOP OF ME!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111
Erin, no matter what you type, you can NOT make a cliffhanger – AT ALL! Why? Because a cliffhanger requires BUILD UP -- it requires SUSPENSE. It needs to have substance to it to make your readers drool for more. A jump scare is NOT a cliff hanger. Why? Because it is random and comes right the fuck out of nowhere, leaving the readers confused and thinking you pulled this shit right out of your ass (which you did). In short, Erin, YOU’RE A TERRIBLE WRITER!!! (Stupid +1, AW+1)
Hope you like that, and I hope you like th dayt wifth Emment Jenny! An thanks to all you out there, really I love you all. Next chapte is an EPIC FIGHT BETWEEN.................EDWARD AND JOMES! Dun Dum Dun! See, I'm deviating from da book now. I'll be using 'creative sinnarios' now! ENJOI!
Once again, your cliffhanger is utterly pointless. Why? Because you spoiled exactly what’s going to happen. Good lord, Erin, you’re just plain PUTRID. Everything you write turns to vomit that I can’t seem to clean out of my carpet. Creative Scenarios? HA! I’m more likely to lose against that mutt, Joey Wheeler, compared to you having actual, 100% creativity. Nothing in your story is creative or interesting, but just idiotic dribbled plagiarized straight from that Twilight trash made by some horny housewife. And here’s a continuity failure, you claimed Jenny was dating JASPER, not Emmet. And really, you didn’t set up for them to date. Why, because neither Emmet nor Jasper ARE REAL FUCKING CHARACTERS!!! It’s is FICTION!!! Fiction means NOT REAL! No, there is no Edweird Creepen to rape you every night Erin. There is no Jasper or Emmet to kill your friend. You are an insane WHORE that needs to get a real life outside of your shitty Twilight wetdream and the raping of the Bible, NOW. Please, seek professional HELP! (Stupid +2, Slut +1, Schizo +1)
HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS STORY?!?!?! . No clue, as of now it’s 37 chapters but . . . . “BUT?!” . But Erin has updated her journal, claiming that she’ll be writing even MORE chapters –. MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!! *pulls out a gun and aims it at his head*. Wait stop! *wrestling the gun out of his hands*. I can’t do this! I can’t do this anymore! . Alright, alright, fine. So long asyou don’t bring up any charges, you’re free to go. . *is out the door*. *sighs* Now I need a new person to snark this shit with me . . . *To the audience* Suggestions, good people?
Post by Lady Phoenix on Dec 14, 2010 10:21:13 GMT -8
(New snark PLUS the introduction to a NEW count)
Chapter 8 – Music ^^^Holy shit! Erin spelled a title right! But . . . wait a minute! I thought there was a fight scene coming up, so why is this title called “Music”. Hm . . . well, I guess she doesn’t get any stupid points right now. Since the odd title is canceled out by the fact she actually spells it right.
Eirn: The excliting conclusion to the fight in the previous chapter! Also, again thanks to all who have red this far - may the Lord bless you and the Lord keep you until the tim comes you passeth unto his relm. Also, Jenny says hi! xD
Woooooooooow. Just, WOW! You actually spelled your OWN NAME WRONG! That’s just . . . FAIL! Epic fail of all proportions. You get bonus points for that one! (Stupid +5, RF +3)
ooo "Fight the good fight." 6:12, Timothy 1 ooo
This is the whole quote:
Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you, which you have confessed so well before many witnesses.
I believe it means fighting with a religious cause. Anyways, I don’t care if she used a quote correctly or not, she still used it out of context and it’s used in her sinful piece of fan SHIT. You can copy+paste the bible from the internet with ease, but it’s how you FOLLOW it that counts. (RF +1)
I screamed loudly as Jomes crashed into me . I fliaded my arms around, and his teef came out and RIPED INTO MY ARM THOUGH MY WHITE SWEETER!!111 I scrome and failed my legs about and somhow hit him in the groin and he got off.
Damn, we were so close to ending this torture sooner!
Da girls dragged me away as best they vould, and everyone else was screaming and running arond withe room! Jomes rawred at me and I could see da Blodlost in his eyes and it was scarry! I got up to may feet and Jasper protected me as Iminant and Edsare came onto Jams! Emmertt smacked the fukca into the ground and Edward jumped on top of him and started beating him pu! Edward looked so sexi as he pounded into Jawms. I was cring because I was sad that Edward would be hurt.
Sucky fight scene is sucky. Seriously, it feels like I’m that awful “Wolf Moon” shit written by SonicFan2010. There’s too much confusing shit going on that isn’t explained and all of it it is poorply misspelled. What kind of Christian girls call someone a “fucka”. What? Are you a ghetto bitch now? Oh wait, that’s your spelling. Then there’s you getting aroused by Edward TRYING TO BEAT A COMPLETE STRANGER TO DEATH! I know the gu is trying to kill you and all, but isn’t “Thou shalt not kill” a Commandment. Why the fuck are you thinking Edward is hot?! (Stupid +5, Bitch +1, Slut +1)
JAMES KICKE DEDWAD OFF!!!!111 !
Now rip out Edward’s vocal cords and then rip off Erin’s head after -- *looks at the audience* Hey, anything that is trying to kill this slut is awesome in my book.
THERE WERE FLYIG EVERYWHERE!!!!111 Da tables got nocked over as they flew about the room, and everyone was strill screaming who had staied. Alice and Rodemary escorted me to the doors.
Question: Why exactly did James attack Erin in the middle of the day, IN A SCHOOL CAFETERIA! I mean, aren’t vampires trying not to be caught by the populace. I mean, in the books, James brings Bella to an abandoned dance studio to drink her blood. Why attack a place where a kid can easily dial 911 for security? I mean, if the authorities found out about these Meyerpires, wouldn’t they have National Security be on them like flies to stink? I doubt they can survive heavy fire. So yeah, Erin’s “Creative Scenario” is STUPID!!! (Stupid +1)
“What are they going to do to him?” I asked alice.
“They are going to burn him if they kick his ass!” Jasser told me.
I knew they would do that too kill him. So he wouldn’t try to ate me again. Jenny took me outside and we sat on a table outside. I was nervous not only because of Edward but because I was still kind of beleding from Jame's bite, and they were Vampires.
Um . . . wouldn’t you be bleeding profusely after getting your arm bitten by a fucking meyerpire? WHY AREN’T YOU DIALING 911?!?!?! (Stupid +1)
But then Edward came over to me and haggled me.
“It’s okay he is gone now. Ement is going to take care of the body. Why don’t you come back to my place?”
Wait, what? THAT’S IT?! That’s all we get for a fight scene?! NO! Why the hell is Edward walking out of the battle? Did he make SURE James was dead before coming to Slutty Sue’s beck and call? Did he?! No, I’m not accepting this. After promising an epic fight and even ripping off the bible about battles, you give us this half-assed piece of shit? FUCK YOU ERIN! (Stupid +10)
Ok i said and went with Edward to his house. The parents were out hunting for dear (Edward tol me that's how they eat, they don't eat people which makes me happy) and went to the lounge. The girls went somewhere and so did Jsaper - we were alone. I was still a bit sad but Edward hugged me and i felt better.
So you’re not going to get that arm looked after? It’s probably bleeding very heavily . . . might require stitches, Something to keep it from infecting, and amputation, something to get rid of the vampire venom . . . Do I really, REALLY have to make a plot hole count now? Seriously?! Fine, I will. From now on folks, I will count the Plot Holes (PH) in this story. And we will start with 1 point for James attacking Erin IN THE MIDDLE OF A POPULATED AREA, another for not calling 911 after escorting Erin out of the building, and one RIGHT NOW for not taking care of Erin’s arm wound. (Stupid +10, PH +3)
"Why did that happen? Who was that Edward?" I asked unhappy but in his arms.
"That was James. He is a problem vamtpie from another clan. He still ates people. But now he is dead and he'll nether bother you again. But now listen, there is something I want to show you."
How do you know James is dead? Did you see him die? (PH +1)
He walked over to the radio and turned off Relient K, then walked sexah to the piano. I was excited as he sat down at his piano and started to play a song. As he played it became clear Edward was such a good penist. It was B Minor but i couldn't recognise the song. It soundsed nice and organy like Catherdrals sometimes have playing. It was so beautiful that i cryed again, but in a good way.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh . . . So THIS is why Erin titled this story “Music”. . . . What a load of BULLSHIT!!! Youn leave off on a cliff hanger, brag about an epic fight scene, and then suddenly we’re reading music porn. MUSIC PORN! Another reason why this fails, FAN FICTIONS CAN’T PLAY MUSIC!!! Unless you made this a video on youtube and had music playing behind it, we’re not gonna know OR CARE what the fuck Edward is playing! For all we know, Edward could be playing THIS:
In other words: YOU FAIL! (Stupid +10)
As he played to me and i smiled happy and forgot what had happend earlier. The window smashed open and OH NO IT WAS JHAMS AGAIN!! ;'o (Erin - HE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR JOAN@!)
"ARGH!" I creamed and ran behind Edward who stood up from his piano and started to fight James again.
"I thought Emmlet burnt him!!1” I sad sadly as Edward threw him back out the window and leppet after him.
See? See what happens when don’t make sure the work is done? Edward Cullen, YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!!! (Stupid +1)
I ran out too to watch as Edward bashed James again. His fists smashed into and already broken faice. Then out of no where came Em (Erin - Ok I'm shortening it to Em because I have troulve with his name - I do this for you, kind reeders!) and Rose and Alice and Rose. They grabed james and kniocked him the fuck out. >:3
Where the hell did the other Cullens comes from? Where were they? This is an asspull Erin! Oh, and you taking pleasure in seeing some guy get killed, ummmmm . . . that’s not Christian at all! (Bitch +1, PH +1)
‘He will stay dead this time.’ Edward told me as he ran over to me and swept me into his arms. "He wont hurt you agsin."
“And I’m not gonna bother checking to see James is dead, again, so we can start this ALL over again for the next 10 chapters!” (Stupid +1)
I nodded and kissed him and he kissed me back and he took me inside again anfd to his room. He put me on his bed and layed me down. And sat next to me, he stroked my hair as he hummed to me. I was still upset by all the fighting but he made me feel better. I went to sleep next to Edward. Edward told me he would question Em how James could stillbe alive in the morning.
If you were “upset” by all the fighting, why did you use this emoticon >:3 like you were smiling like a little devil? Once again, more bullshit. (Stupid +1)
When I woke up it was dark and I realised I was back in my own house. Edward was sitting nexct to me smelling at me. I sqat up in bed.
‘Did you bring me hear?’
‘Yes I did”
‘you’re so sweet’ I told him and coddled him playfully.
“Did you tell my dad about how I was almost murdered today, TWICE, and that I still might need medical attention for my arm?” “No.” “You’re such a sweetie!” (Stupid +1, PH+ 1)
‘so are you.’ He told me and laid next to me.
HAH! And I have 2 heads, four feet, and 8 arms (although having multiple arms wouldn’t be too bad . . . ) (Stupid +1, Ego +1)
I looked at how sexi his hair was and how sexi his eyes where. He wasn't wereing a shirt. I flicked his nose softly playfuly and he liked my finger and protented to nibble it. I giggled and he did too. Then I feel asleep again.
Awwww . . . this would have been so sweet and romantic . . . If it weren’t for the fact that the spelling and grammar is horrible, and that you keep mentioning how sexy Edward Cullen is. In a better story, we’d be d’awww’ing over the scene like watching a cuddly newborn kitten playing. In this story, we’re just shaking at our heads over your pointless, maturbation filler. (Slut +1)
As I slept I had a Nighthorse about james. He had come back alive and he was shooting at me with a gun and telling me he would eat me agter. I was running but i couldn’t run and then he jumped on me and i went black.
If only that was actually canon. *sighs sadly*
Wenty I woke up the next morning he was gone, but his scent lingered in my nostrals.
Whose scent is in your nostrils? Jame’s? Edward’s? If it is James, then I will once again state Edward is a total dumbass and should have made sure HIMSELF that James was dead. If it is Edward, then he raped you while you slept. Either way, more stupid points (Stupid +3)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Thanks agan for reeding. Anyway, I'm thinking of having a competition! I want a nother character in my story, so give me a basic description and yeah you'll b in soon. Cya next time! Xoxoxooxoxoxoxox
Here’s a thought, how about a kickass OC that actually stakes the Cullens and gives you the proper bitch slap before booting your ass to hell? Oh wait, but Erin/Joan is black hole sue so EVERYTHING must revolve around HER. BLECH!
So anyways, yeah. Lot more stupid points in this chapter, huh? Well since this is the chapter where Erin asks for a new character, so will I. I need another character for snarking, after Kaiba almost blasted his brain out and I had to let him go. The rule is the characters have to be badasses or buttmonkies, I refuse to break cuties (that includes Kurama). And it has to be from a show I have seen and know pretty well (no Power Rangers or Doctor Who)
Who I have right now: Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho) Marik (Yu-gi-oh!) Yami Bakura (Yu-gi-oh!)