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Post by Ozymandias II on Feb 20, 2011 21:44:49 GMT -8
I’m a masochist. And unoriginal. And bored. Let’s do this.
The pink is the fanfic.
This is me.
Chapter One: Genesis
BRING IT ON.
Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever!
That’s nice. How is it being a part of the day? Hang with Eos and Selene any?
I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo
I hate Bella too, but your character makes Bella look like Mother Theresa.
I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at FF.net deleated it but I am glad the Jew and the Bird are gone and aint flaming me anymore
Your anti-Semitism is showing, you bitch.
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I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk.
Prefectly sitting? Sitting like a prefect? You leave Robert Pattinson’s other character out of this! Bad enough the poor guy’s branded with Edward Cullen for the rest of eternity.
I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars)
So explain “Twilight World” little miss Fred Phelps wannabe. BTW, anyone else notice how all the really infamous Sues of fanfiction whore out and disgrace various religions while simultaneously violating grammar and plot? Think about it, My Immortal screwed up Satanism, Twila warped atheism (not a religion, I know, it’s the nonbelief in any religion, but it still counts for this list), The Girl Who Lived with Rose Potter fucked up druidism, and now this twat is violating Christianity. Why. Writing a Mary Sue is bad enough, leave people’s beliefs out of it, Suethors!
If you’ve never heard of Rose Potter, look up The Girl Who Lived on TVTropes. She is HORRID.
becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.
Yes, judge a show and people for physical appearance rather than plot or personality. That’s what Jesus tought.
I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly. I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his atention. I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway.
Costume porn ahoy! And Mary Magdalene wasn’t a whore. As much as Dan Brown’s books were a historian’s nightmare, they at least got that right. Etymology lesson: The original meaning of the word whore was someone who sold out their beliefs or something else important for something relatively inconsequential. By this meaning, you Joan, who is selling out her religion that you claim to hold dear in order to write your masturbation fodder, are one of the biggest whores I have ever seen.
Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).
Blessed be the sex-ah, for they make the author’s panties wet.
I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING!! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!)
It’s not foreshadowing if you tell us, dahling. And how would we know if he was brooding if we didn’t read the books? Unless you think Edward is a brooding jerk when you see his poster until the books brainwash you into being a mindless fangirl…
He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice.
"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk?
Good question. You don’t even know him. Get a restraining order on her ass, Ed.
So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.
He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. He looks at me and turns away agin.
Edward: “Is the psycho still looking? Oh Valentino, she is! Don’t look again, Edward. Keep calm…Don’t panic…”
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So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3
Your story is bad and you should feel bad.
Here’s her DeviantArt comment
this is mi story were me n EDWARD CULLEN fight the eval Jomes and stuff. I Luv Twilight and EDWARD is the HOTEST EVA
The hottest EVA? EVAs aren’t really that sexy.
End of chapter one. This was rather fun. Taking down an egotistical bitch never gets old.
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Post by Ozymandias II on Feb 20, 2011 22:22:40 GMT -8
I miss Bella Sue already.
Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev
The title’s misspelled. This is gonna hurt.
Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. Anyway Edward is much <3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
No reviews and yet she is replying to someone? Must be the voices in her head. And who are you to be telling people not to hate? You’re filled to the brim with it. So what if I don’t get to Heathen. Heaven, Nirvana, Summerland, and the Elysian Fields are still open, aren’t they?
Joan and you aren’t the same person? Could have fooled me…
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Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen. I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug.
What, is God your servant or something? He doesn’t do what you say when you say so you get peeved? Oh, wait. You’re preying, not praying. So you-you’re stalking God.
…you got issues.
Edward’s not interested. Get it through your head.
It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were
Why’d you wound them?! What did they ever do to you? And stop rubbing that you’re a Christian in our faces every ten seconds. I’m Christian and I don’t go running around yelling about it. Not even parodies of Christians do it to the extreme you do.
I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. “Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning.” I say and they all star at me.
Hotness and Christianity are the only requisites for people liking you. A pleasant personality and actually being a decent person? What are those?
He looks angry and you don’t care? You. Are. Harassing. Him. Leave him alone. Even his friends are looking at you funny because he probably told them about the crazy girl in his class. That being you.
They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn’t agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah)
The Ten Commandments and basically every other major rule of your religion: perfectly ignorable in the name of your trashy fanfiction.
One vague line that most scholars believe was referring to not forcing into marriage/raping your prisoners of war: totally the one you should judge everyone by. WTF
Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,3<3<3,#<#!)
No idea who they are. Care giving us any actual physical description of the guys instead of listing names that not everyone may know?
“Why are you sitting here?” Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.
HE GROWLED AT YOU.
“Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload” I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.
She’s crazy, Ed! Run!
"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp
What. What! WHAT?! Your sister is gay and you were OK when your family sent her away to be abused?! WHAT THE HELL?! I don’t care if the author is a troll. That’s not funny. That’s sick! I hope her sister’s fine now, I mean…who the hell does that! Your sister was realizing her sexuality in an obviously repressive environment and was brave enough to come out, and you turned your back on her. I’d call you scum, but I don’t want to insult an important part of the food chain. I despise you, Erin. I truly do.
This is only chapter two and I’m already frothing at the mouth…
“C’mon, lets go.” He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.
You’re a stalker and you’re a bitch. Yeah, it’s so hard to imagine why anyone wouldn’t like you.
Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.
He knows he’s in a Suefic. Poor bastard’s already resigned himself to his fate…
The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him.
Just ‘cause Romeo and Juliet thought love and lust were the same thing doesn’t mean they are, dumbass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?!
That bad. That huge bad. Me want smash like Hulk after read. Ugg ugg.
betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum. I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!!1111 <3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I’d love to, really, but I don’t think there are enough curse words in all the languages in the world for me to properly convey my feelings towards this.
Thus is my secund chapter. I am so excied about u reeding it
You wouldn’t have been if you knew what I thought about it.
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Chibithulhu
Persistent Member
None can resist cuteness.[Mo0:10]
Posts: 2,236
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Post by Chibithulhu on Feb 21, 2011 9:23:06 GMT -8
Every time I read a snark of this, the pain just doesn't go away.
Best of luck. This fic deserves all the hate it gets. Maybe one day one of us will meet Erin and get to slap her with a fish.
Also, yeah. What religion next, Islam? Judaism? Buddhism? Scientology?
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Post by Ozymandias II on Feb 21, 2011 10:50:57 GMT -8
Chapter 3: Collisions
I’m so ready for this.
OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!!11111
If you really believed that, you would have never written this, oh queen empress of the not nice people.
No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts >: ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
FF has its own very nice, clean dividers. And your story was most likely deleted because of its horrible content, you dumb bitch.
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I thought only obtuse angles had wings, not isosceles!
Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.
Fail a class because your stalkee isn’t in it for you to gush over. That’s the way to go through life.
I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)
Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP…
"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan.
Evanescence was a Christian rock band before they got big, you know. And…holy mother of…did you spell Evanescence RIGHT?!
That’s the sign of the Apocalypse! The world is ending! The Mayans were wrong! It was 2011, not 2012! Repent! Repent!
"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily.
"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?"
Stop using “moi.” You are not French nor are you Miss Piggy. They are too cool to be associated with you. And stop replacing “him” with “hymn,” you freak.
"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically.
I hate how she uses words and phrases like “erotically” or “in a verb-ing way.” It bugs me. The first one can be used well by good authors, but the second is just annoying.
"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told.
He growls at you, glares at you, and looks at you like you’re crazy. IT MUST BE TWU WUV!
"O well he lives in the mountain I herd. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!
Run, Edward, run!
He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows.
He can smell you cu—*gag*
"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot.
Racist language now. Charming.
"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park.
That’s right, Ed! Run! Run as fast as your legs can take you! Go to Siberia; she’ll never look for you there!
He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all.
What was your first clue, dumbass.
But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...................................................................................A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111
A sound like a big bus coming towards you that actually IS a big bus coming towards you?! I never would have guessed!/sarcasm
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OH NO THATS NOT GOOD!
So you admit it.
Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3
Blargh.
OMG this is my storie I luv Twilight so much, I hupe yu like it too
I for one, HATE it.
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Post by Ozymandias II on Feb 21, 2011 12:49:32 GMT -8
4– Savoir
Please tell me “savoir” is French for dumbass.
A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea!
Dude! No real names on the internet! Do you have any idea what kind of people could be reading this? Just be thankful that the only people on here who know your name want to do no more harm than make fun of your fanfiction. Geez.
SO STFU! n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her! DID I BAG HER NO! Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE. So anyway this is my 4th chapter. I am getting more excited wen i write this. I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I don’t know what Chrustians or Christins are, but Christians reading this are pissed.
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You have no clue how ugly those look on my Microsoft Word.
Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve. Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head!!!! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn’t see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!
Or the driver hit the brakes. The bus could have gotten that dint from an earlier incident. Stop being such a drama llama.
I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me EW but I couldn’t here her probably. The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse. I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn’t talk yet.
The driver got out of the bus to the apocalypse? Well, seeing as you’re here, that’s a fairly accurate statement.
Then I saw something move from behind the bus. I couldn’t see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost! But he was gone befour I could get a good look. The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home.
So, that’s it? We moving on? Good. I want to get this over with.
I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed?
I would think that after risking his life to save others he would like to spend time with his daughter, but seeing as you’re his daughter, yeah. At least you acknowledge that you’re annoying.
Im good chrsitian.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
That night I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus. I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn’t think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn’t now.
Aren’t you supposed to believe that Jesus is omniscient? And stop whoring out your faith to make you seem deeper. It’s just annoying the rest of us.
I felt the bed sink beside me and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!!1 He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything. He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good.
He snuck in your room! Call the cops! Or maybe he’s trying to off you before you can harass him anymore…Never mind, Edward. Carry on.
“whgat are you doing here?” I asked him confused and he giggled.
Men shouldn’t giggle past the age of seven.
“Too see you, obliviously.”
To see her into oblivion? Ah, hell yeah!
I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right. We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.
Dammit, you brainwashed him!
I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3
That’s nice. If you’ll excuse me, I need to vomit.
The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.
Because a boy simply pushing you out of the way is much more implausible than God serving your every whim because you want. Seriously. The driver hit the brakes. No big deal.
“I think it was Edward that saved me.” I told Jenny because I new he wouldn’t laugh. “Oh my god gurl, how?” She asked all excited.
You knew he…Jenny’s a man?
“I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.” I told her because I was excited. “And then he came to my house last night.”
In a failed assassination attempt.
Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us.
“What are you talking about?”
I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper.
I thought she wanted Emmet. And who are you to decide who gets what boy? They’re not objects, they’re people.
“Um, nothing.” I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces
Red feces? You need to see a doctor. NOW.
The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.
You left him for a year so that his soil could replenish its nutrients? That’s the only definition of fallow that I know.
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:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Criticism is meant to help. I for one adore criticism because it helps me to write with more precision and better flow. We didn’t start actually flaming you until you spurned our advice and showed us what a homophobic, racist, insensitive bitch you are.
OMG this is my storie I luv Twilight so much, I hupe yu like it too
Nope. Still hate it.
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