Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:20:36 GMT -8
I finally got around to re-making my snark thread from the old forums. xD
The first couple pages of this thread will be mostly updated re-postings of my snarks of Erin of the Cullen Clan's works. I think I've gotten a wee bit funnier in the past year or two since I wrote some of them, so I've done some editing on them to hopefully make them more enjoyable. As a warning I do tend to swear like a sailor and sometimes end up making gutter jokes and odd references, so if that bothers you, best not tread further.
Past Brewdening Love and its spin-offs are newer snarks, including a short YGO/Twilight crossover, and some of Ariana's fics.
In the meantime, I've made a set of Brewdening Love icons! They're free for anyone to take and use, just mention that I made them if anyone asks you. I'll try to make more in the future.
I've also written numerous Brewdening Love fanfics, which can be found here if one is so inclined.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:29:34 GMT -8
ETA: Ninja!Anya ahoy! xD Thanks, I'm glad you liked the icons! The FBI one is one of my favorites too. x3
So to start us off, here's Brewdening Love, chapters 1 and 2:
Both originally snarked 8/29/09
Chapter One: Genesis
Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever!
You’re Twilight? Great! Now I can finally achieve my dream of punching those books in the face!
I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo
The moment a fic starts off with chat-speak and random babble I already know it'll be bad. (On the other hand, the fact that she spelled Genesis right is a bit of a miracle.)
I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars)
WHOA WHOA BACK THE TRUCK UP. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there something in the Bible about God being numero uno and that all other gods need not apply? So wouldn’t Erin/Joan, by saying that she thinks Eddikins is a god but not the Big G, basically be saying there are other gods on par with God? Isn’t that a first-class sin right there?
becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.
Can it be a crime to insert author's notes into the story? Please? I really think these people need to be arrested and sent to some sort of fiction-boot-camp. I'm all for creative expression, but this isn't creative, it's annoying and self-serving. Also, I suspect that the Big G wouldn't tell people to fuck off. And if he did, he'd use proper spelling. I'm honestly not sure what she's babbling about at the end. I'm guessing she hates fat people.
I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly.
...Is this girl speaking English?
I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his atention.
Oh, I get it! She's comparing her hair to a rabbit hopping for attention...no, wait, my bad. For a second there I thought she was trying to clumsily use a writing device, but in fact she's just stupid. Moving on.
I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing
Would a "that's what she said?" comment be inappropriate here? (The fuck am I talking about, that’s-what-she-said comments are never inappropriate. xD)
with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway.
For someone who claims to be all spiritual, this girl is seriously coming across as a self-absorbed bitch.
Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).
The lord might teach us to forgive, but I'm pretty sure he never taught us to judge someone by how wet they make our panties.
I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true(
and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING!! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!)
Again, I want to arrest people who hit the reader over the head going, "Lookie! Foreshadowing! Look what I did!" (Note from the future: This actually foreshadows absolutely nothing.) Also, the last bit makes no sense. If I haven't read the books somehow I'd know something that's in the books...?
He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice.
For some reason the word "brewding" makes me giggle. Probably because I start thinking about lolcats and "fewd" and I adore lolcats and I'm sort of hungry now that I'm thinking about fewd...
"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk?
This is a perfectly reasonable question.
So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.
(Emphasis mine) STALKER ALERT.
He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend.
Because every relationship based entirely on looks always works out great. Also, our protag seems to have gender-flipped. She wants to be Edward's boyfriend. Hey, I'm of the opinion that slash makes everything better, so I won't complain.
He looks at me and turns away agin.
Yeah, 'cause you just changed from a hot chick to a hot guy. I'd be looking away in confusion as well.
So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3
I don't get these notes at all. "Happi ass?" I don’t…bwuh?
Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev
For a religious person, she sure can't spell the names of two way important people from her religion's past correctly. Probably because they're just puny humans and not beautiful sparklepires. They were a bit chubby too, weren't they? Because back then standards of beauty were different? She hates fat people, so that might also explain it.
Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI.
First, she says there are no reviews, then proceeds to rant about a flame, (which was very mild for a flame.) Last I checked, that still counted as a review.
Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD.
But five people hating is A-okay!
And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. Anyway Edward is much 3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
There are some pretty lulz-y typos there. Heathen =/= Heaven. I think those two things are opposites. xD Edward is much "three" and we've all become proponents of a new activity called Reeding. I'm guessing it involves swamps. Carroter? CARROTER? Is this some sort of throw-back to the "hare" typo? (I suppose I should just be happy she’s not calling them “charroters” yet.)
Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen. I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug.
Oh, God got your call, and put you on hold hours ago. He's got better people to listen to, plus he's busy playing Plants vs. Zombies and checking his Facebook. Apparently Jonathan and David both just changed their statuses to “it’s complicated.” Those boys and their drama, I swear. They should just admit their rad bromance to the world, am I right or am I right?
It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were
Erin's name is now Erni - probably she decided she needed a more masculine name to go along with that gender-switch at the end of the first chapter. Also, best. Typo. Ever. EDWOOD. |D Everyone, join me in some immature snickering, please. More stuff about sex, too...last time I checked, lust was a sin.
I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care.
...I'm not even sure what to make of her reasoning. Hot and Christian = everyone likes you? What if he's an Atheist? Or Jewish? Or anything else?
“Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning.” I say and they all star at me.
Ultimate irony here: She said her character was Joan, right? Check out the name she gives: ERIN. So much for not being a self-insert.
Oh gods this next paragraph gives me a headache just to look at it.
They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn’t agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,333,##!)
This is literally how this paragraph makes me feel:
It makes my brain hurt. Really. I just...I don't know where...I can't...GAH. *headdesk* Random brand-name dropping, useless description, names like Japper, typos...also, love the gratuitous homophobia. Real nice. I should have seen it coming, I guess.
“Why are you sitting here?” Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.
Lulz, I just finally got the "hymn" thing. It's a religious pun. Obviously intentional, because there is no way you could typo "him" as "hymn" so many times.
“Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload” I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.
You already said your name was Erin. And let's check off another tally on the Mary Sue list - long, ridiculous name. (I find it interesting that in fandom we’ve completely dropped the ‘e’ from her surname.) Last I checked, nice religious girls didn't say things like "you're hot and I like you a fuckload." Just...you put down "whores" but say things like that? No. You lose. That's not how it works. I'm not even Christian and I know this, and I'm personally feeling very insulted for all the Christian people I know right now. /rant
"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon.
I wouldn’t be happy either, Edward. *pats* Wooo, now SOMEONE has a pretty high opinion of herself. Wasn't there something about pride in that list of sins?
He might of already aktuly. He smelled
*snerks* Another excellently-placed typo.
but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp
I'm not sure what to make of the last line. Camp? Like...supposedly you-go-there-gay-and-come-back-straight camp? B| Where is this camp? And where can I find the people who invented it so that I can punch them in their faces with grenades?
“C’mon, lets go.” He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi.
*raises hand* Ooh, hi, over here! I already have a ten-page long list of reasons. Do you want to borrow it?
I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.
I'm not even gonna touch the bit about something being wrong with her. No. I'd be here all night if I did.
Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.
You weren't being friendly, you were being forward, pushy, desperate, and loose. None of these things are attractive. Though I suppose my evil lesbian advice isn't wanted...you'll just send me off to that mysterious camp.
The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him.
You've known him for half a day, you asshat. When you find yourself murdered and dumped alongside the road by whatever hot brooding guy you meet next, I sincerely hope St. Peter gives you a good long talking-to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum.
What the fuck on a rocketship is an “orsum?” I'm guessing a cross between an organism, an opossum, and an orgasm. >.>
I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!!1111 333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 8:49:13 GMT -8
Brewdening Love Chapter 3 -- originally snarked 9/2/09
Chapter 3: Collisions
What do you think is going to happen in this chapter? Is there a chance that a bus might try to collide with Joan, in a possible collision, if you will? Nah, I don’t think so either.
OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!!11111
Says the girl telling people to fuck off.
No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts : ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Let us review: "If you have something bad to say, you're a meanie." "Spread love!" "Be nice to all!" "Fuck off!" One of these is not like the other.
/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\ (These are ANGLE WINGS :3)
Angle wings, huh? Can I slather 'em in barbeque sauce and eat them on Independence Day? 'Cause if not, they're fairly pointless. (also I thought they were M's.)
Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.
This kind of system would make signing up for classes so much simpler. Hot Dude's in this class, so I want it! What, that other required course? Screw it, Hot Dude's not in it.
I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)
Okay. Sure. Why not? That makes more sense than most of the crap in this fic so far.
"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan.
...Amy Lee has black hair on the cover my Evanescence CD. =| Aside from the fact that she IS Christian, how can you *look* a religion? I mean...I guess there are stereotypes, but still, those don't mean anything. I knew several Christians in high school, and one stands out to me as a good example- wore black all the time, dyed her hair crazy colors, walked around listening to heavy rock music, had a bunch of piercings, and routinely scared old ladies who would spot her and think she was some kind of evil devil child. In truth, she volunteered regularly for her Christian church. One cannot be judged on looks alone. u_u
"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily.
Enquieered? Is that like engineering and inquiring at the same time? Please say it isn't, Joan as an engineer is a scary thought.
"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?"
Edwerd Collin, huh? Okay everyone, we were mistaken, this isn't a Twilight fic at all. This Collin kid is the love interest instead.
"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically.
Errotically?! I'm going to assume she was going for "erotically." I'm also not going to bother asking how that's possible, and will just skip ahead to point out once again that lust is a sin.
"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told.
Holy fuck, you don't even KNOW these people! Also: "meat." *snickers* There's something about this fic that makes me see dirty allusions everywhere in it.
"O well he lives in the mountain I herd. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!
He...lives in...the mountain? Holy crap, something original! As an aside, "smelling" at one's friend sounds kind of rude.
He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows.
Cold smill cumming for him? Huhwut? Also, mood swings are sexy! Not.
"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot.
"Jap" is often considered an offensive slang. Must you compare everyone to some sort of stereotype? =|
"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park.
I don't blame him, I wouldn't want her cumming near me, either. Think of the STDs she probably has if she chases after every hot guy she sees like this! Plus, she met him TODAY and is already coming on to him this heavily, calling him sexy even though they haven't even had a conversation. I would be screaming and running away very fast as well. She's only one step away from showing up at his bedside with a knife screaming, "if I can't have you, no one can!"
He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me.
A noise like a bus coming toward you? Okay, well, that could be a lot of things. It might mean a skydiver is falling toward you. Or it might mean it’s going to snow next week. It might even mean an angel got its (inedible) wings. But the one thing we can be completely sure of is that it’s definitely not a bus coming toward her–
I looked around and saw...................................................................................A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111
HOLY CRAP ON TOAST, EVERYTHING IS SO SHOCKING.
OH NO THATS NOT GOOD!
A big bus coming to run over Joan isn't good? On the contrary, I think it's the best thing that's happened so far. I'm just wondering why there's a fucking BUS in the student parking lot. Buses weren't allowed in the student parking lot when I was in school.
Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3
Emphasis mine again. You get three guesses what happens next chapter. None of them count.
Last Edit: Sept 17, 2011 15:50:32 GMT -8 by PuzzleChick
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 9:25:15 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 4 -- originally snarked 9/4/09
Let's update: She's added another chapter and has apparently decided to ignore the "sinnars." I'm not really sure who she's talking to in her notes though...considering that thus far she's gotten no good reviews.
On to chapter four.
4 – Savoir
A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU! n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her! DID I BAG HER NO!
Did you...bag her...? O.o? Considering your rampant homophobia I'm going to assume you didn't?
Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE. So anyway this is my 4th chapter. I am getting more excited wen i write this. I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
She's only rude to people who are rude to her? So she just blanket-insults entire religious and groups of people in her story, but that's not rude?
Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve. Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head!!!! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn’t see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!
GUYS. GUYS THE BUS STOPPED! The bus stopped! And it has a dent! Like OMG, who didn't see that coming?! I am stunned, people. Stunned.
I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me but I couldn’t here her probably. The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse. I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn’t talk yet.
Jenny was creaming. Girl's got some sick kinks if she gets off on seeing people almost die. He got out of the bus to apocalypse. TO APOCALYPSE. brb laughing my ass off. This paragraph is priceless!
Then I saw something move from behind the bus. I couldn’t see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost! But he was gone befour I could get a good look. The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home.
I read that as "amoeba eyes" the first time. It also sounds sort of like his eyes have popped out of his head and are lying in the "doost" all disembodied and stuff. xDD
I ignores my dad
Hugo's here! Hi Hugo! Aw, don't look so sad. I know things are bad now but I think your life will get a lot better soon. In the meantime would you like a hug?
when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian. That night I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus. I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn’t think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn’t now.
Er...wait, you ignore him so that he doesn't get annoyed? Personally, if I was a father, I'd be more annoyed that my kid was ignoring me! Not even a, "how was your day, Dad?" Bitch. ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN RELIGIOUS PROPAGANDA. Seriously, it was funny at first but now I'm starting to get mad. I want to call up my Christian friends and get them to hunt this girl down.
I felt the bed sink beside me and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!!1
HOLY SHIT. *grabs gun and blows Edward away* No, wait, that would be a normal reaction to realizing that some guy you only met that day has snuck into your room.
He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything. He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good.
“whgat are you doing here?” I asked him confused and he giggled.
He...giggled? Weird mental images...
“Too see you, obliviously.”
I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right. We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.
Um, he snuck into your room. YOUR ROOM. AT NIGHT. WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION. That doesn't mean that he likes you, it means that he's a crazy obsessive stalker! Love how she's too lazy to think of what they talk about. I also don't think Mr. Control will take to being coddled.
I was confound because i dint know why he left.
Because he's a nutter?
But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3
I had a dream last night that the Fruit Roll-Up company had made Twilight-related pennant-shaped roll-ups. And they had words like "stalker" and "slave" and "obsessed" on them. And that we sold them at this store that was closing, and my manager gave them to me and I ate them all. Just thought I'd mention that.
The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.
So now you're putting Edward before God? Real nice. I thought that was one of the big no-nos. Nobody else is placed before God. Right Big G? Back me up here.
“I think it was Edward that saved me.” I told Jenny because I new he wouldn’t laugh. “Oh my god gurl, how?” She asked all excited.
She's actually spelled his name right a few times a row...maybe there's hope for her after all.
“I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.” I told her because I was excited. “And then he came to my house last night.”
He didn't come to your house! He snuck into your room! YOUR FUCKING ROOM! AT NIGHT! WHY CAN'T THE POWER OF MY CAPSRAGE GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SCULL? ...You know what? I think the bus DID hit her. And everything that's happening now is happening in her mind while she lies in a coma.
Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us.
There's more to people than looks...>(
“What are you talking about?”
I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper.
Can angels come from heathen? xDDD Also: "I don't want him, so you can have him." "Great! He's like getting the lifetime supply of steak sauce after not winning the car! Awesome!"
“Um, nothing.” I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces
D8 Red faeces?! Honey, you better get that checked out.
The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.
On the "soldier," huh? DIRTYYYY.
:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 10:07:48 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 5 -- originally snarked 9/5/09
Continuing on in the story of the only "Christian" that anybody who actually does follow Jesus' teachings would like to seriously injure, we find ourselves at chapter five...
Chapter 5 - Confesson
Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas. OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK?
So be nice, which is better. think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE
You haven't been all that nice to the neighbors, why should we be nice back?
ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX. 5 ooo (Seeing the site dosn't lik my diverders, the first devider will be a Bible quote from now on that is relovant to the chappy! or this case the autha not :3)
I'm guessing her quote refers to fighting back against the flamers? Iunno. Either way, she's definitely a student of SMeyer's teachings considering that now she's starting things out with irrelevant Bible quotes.
Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds. It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care, which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live.
So wait now, Edward DOESN'T own a car in this one? What about his silver stalkmobile? His Volvo of Great Justice? D= (Anyway, note: He doesn't have a car. Pay attention to that, it's important later.)
We walked on and on and then we stoped. We were in the woords deep now and at the base of....................................a small motanny hill!
It was..........................DUMBLYDORE! Sorry. (That's all I could think of. xD Also I don't think I spelled "Enoby's" version of Dumbledore correctly.) What's a "small mountain-y hill?" Isn't that a big bundle of contradictions?
"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing.
I SWEAR there was something about lust in those seven sins. No, really, I'm pretty sure. Good Christian girls don't go around getting it on with a guy they met ONE DAY AGO.
"Joan I have somethong to tell you." he said and looked sad all of a sudan. I wanted to hug hymn better.
"What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim.
Well that's something. I guess. She cares that he seems upset and isn't trying to offer her vagina to him for therapy, so, y'know, that's redeeming. Sorta.
"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret." He sed brewdingly. A small teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time.
Can tears flop? No, really, I'm getting some hilarious mental images here. Also, regarding "brewdingly," I C WUT U DID THAR.
"Joan, i'm not like otther guys."
"I KNOW that silly," I laughed happily
This could almost be cute, if I didn't know what was coming next, and if I wasn't distracted by thinking that "otther" looks like "otter" and otters are fucking adorable and cute and so much more awesome than Edward any day.
I mean really, look how cute! =3=
Even the otter himself is like, "WTF is this shit?!"
"No, you don't get wut I meen." he turned and shivverd and looked sad even more. I frowned. Why was he sad? :'(
She actually put in a sad face. In a story that isn't a script-style crackfic. NO. BAD AUTHOR. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
He looked back and spoke more. "Joan I'm actually an vampire."
Holy shit, this sentence actually looks NORMAL. No major grammar errors, no typos...wow. I'm almost impressed.
I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE?! That's like really unholly and not good at all, i thought. I felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me. I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron.
Gotta love the random Mary Sue shoe choice insert. Not her "sensible" uggs or "good-for-running-away-from-nutters-with" uggs, but her hawt leather ones. Sheesh.
"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap.
Anyone besides me think that typo is hilarious? Chrisnt? As in chr-isn't? I'll say one thing for her: a Christian she is not, so a "Chrisnt" is a rather appropriate name! Who wants to vote that we make that be her new religion? Chrisn'tanity. It's a religion for Christians who use their religion to be jerks and to hurt people and who, therefore, are insults to actual Christians. Y/Y?
"He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun. he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok.
Five seconds ago you were saying it wasn't okay. Now you're saying it is. Wut.
I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs. I am a christina vampite!"
I swear I think he just called God fat. Is that allowed? Also...a christina vampite? That sounds like the name of an over-the-top character or pop star or something. I totally call dibs on that name! I'm going to have my NaNo character this year use that as an alias at some point. Just you see.
I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?"
"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still. I can't b wif you."
WAAAAAANGST. I CRY A SINGLE SHINING TEAR.
I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist. He was uba hawt and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me. I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest.
No, really I think all you care about is that he's hot. Yeah. Gonna go out on a limb here and assume that.
"We will work thru it. I love you."
Reminder: SHE MET HIM YESTERDAY. WHO THE HELL SAYS THEY LOVE SOMEONE AFTER MEETING THEM THE DAY BEFORE?!
He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town.
Wow. Look at all the intrigue.
Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah. SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER!!! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3
Hon, it isn't YOU loving him, it's your character, need I remind you? If you're gonna do a self-insert fic, don't make it so damn easy to see the self-insertion. Even SMeyer did a better job of this than you are. No nice reviews for you. No party hat kittens either! So there! (Really. She's got 20 reviews at this point. Only one of them is even remotely charitable, and even that one urges her to take the story down.)
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 10:44:40 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 6 -- originally snarked 9/6/09
6 – SunShine!
Sunshine! This sounds like a nice happy chapter. Maybe it will be full of sparkles and rainbows.
Heyo to every1! so nice to see you all again! :3:3:3 I had a wondeaful day today, because 2day I spend da day with Jenny! ^_^ We went shopping witch we had not done for a LONG while, and I bought a cute as T with bunnehs on the sleeves, so I'm in a grate mode! I'm complatly ignoring haters, because in the end sinnars want to be hatful you just have to ignore them. So heres to da storie!!!11 XD
I have to admire Erin's perkiness. I've never been in the position where I've written something this awful, so I'm not sure how I'd handle it if I was her, but I'd probably do so badly. Chalk up another piece of evidence for trollhood.
oooooo"We love Him because He first loved us." John 1 4:9-10 (Naww)oooooo
What's with the random "naww?" xD;
I dremt about Edward that night.
And that, boys and girls, is where Twilight comes from. The end.
He was standing in a medhow and the wind was blowing softy. He was standing there ONLY in black pants and he was reely riped and sex-ah. His wind was blowing through his orburn hare, and his brewding amba eyes looked at me so devinely. I wanted to walk up to hymn and hug hymn, but then I woahk up. I lied there and thought how sexy he had looked in the meadow, I really likd him alot. I didn't kno if we were togather thow, so I decided to fined hymn and ask tomorrow at school.
You had a wet dream about him. Big deal. Lots of people have those.
The next day at school i found hymn asked hymn.
“are we going out?” I asked uncertainly, twizzling my adorbale red hare (I had died it a little while ago for a new look)
So it's been...let's see, three days since they met I believe? Wow. Three days. Who wants to take bets on how long this would last if they were a real-world couple?
Edwerd locked at me because he was studying for that Biologee clas (eRin - SEE, CONTINUNITY!).
Real mature author's note there. -_- And how the hell is THAT continuity?!
“Yes, but I can neva be truly with you due to the hungar for your bloood.” Said Edward, sadily. I froned. ” And there is something I want to show you after school.”He spoke.
Bloood~~~ Iunno, the extra "o" amuses me. xD
I was excited because Edwards wanted to see me after school and i wondered what it was he wanted to show me. All day at school i thought about what it mighr be, and hoped it wasn't anything evel or that (He was still a vampire you no, im just givving a 2nd chance).
Yes, I know. I'm not an idiot like you.
After school we met in the carpark and he led me to his car. It was a dark blue with silver rimming that looked reely nice. I got more excited as he opened the door for me and then got in the other side. He then sped out of the carpark and took me to da forrest to..............his house!!1 :O
More emoticons in the prose! BAD WRITER. NO COOKIE FOR YOU. And Edward's got a car now. In just the last chapter she pointed out that he DIDN'T have a car. Gah! So much for continuity. Enough with the tons of periods too, that isn't suspenseful.
His house was big and not 'modurn' in style ast all - it looked like a big Gotic/Romantic stile church but smaler and with more rock on the outside in that nice style peeple use to coat thier homes in rock.
I. Am. Riveted. Are you not absolutely hooked by these amazing details?!
He took me inside and introduced me to his mother - MC and his father Carlise. They were nice though kinda boring and we talked for a while but then then took me up to his room where he had lots of Relient K CDS and a big bed.
Who the hell is MC? (Yes, yes, I know it's Esme.) And, as Phoenix stated, you're a bitch to dismiss his parents as boring after they've been so (apparently) nice to you. As someone who rather likes Relient K's music, I'm feeling insulted right now. Brb I need to rethink the path I'm taking in my life.
“I am going to show you what happens when i go in the sun.” He told me and loked ice sex-ahly. ;3 He then took off his shirt and stepped in front of a window. The sun shone on him and then he started to sporrkle like a diamond!!1 He looked so hot n obviously werked out. He looked exactly like in my dream because he was wearing black pants and had taken off a slimfit black tee from Abercrombu and Fitch.
*looks up from filing nails* Oh wait...was that supposed to be important or something? He's a vampire! They can't work out, they're stuck the way they are when they're vamped! And why the hell do we care what sort of clothing he's wearing?! (Or not wearing?!)
He smiled at me and then stepped away from the window and sat on his bed, i sat down next to him then I asked.
“I thought vampires didn’t sleep?”
Compared to the rest of the fic, this bit is actually passable.
“They don’t but it looks nice.” He told me and then he laid down and I laid next to him. He was all sexah lieing their, and I snuggled hymn. He rolled over and coddled me and i coddled him back and we started to kiss.
OH SNAP IT'S ABOUT TO GET ALL PG-13 UP IN HERE. HIDE YO KIDS. HIDE YO WIFE.
I had don it before but my tongue had nevar felt fangs when doing it b4! I took off his shirt and then he took off my pink top (BUT I STILL HAD TH BRA ON SO SHUSH). Then Edward was on top of me and we caresed.
Well at least he's got fangs. Also, I fail to see how having one's bra on makes a difference. The guy took your top off. It's...kind of going past the cuddling stage at that point.
Then I felt something as he leened down again!
Is that a diamond in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
“No STEP IT! NO1” I yelled and Edward rolled off me looking confused and sad agin.
I started singing the "Step Off" song from School of Rock in my head at this point. And because our brains all need a break from the Erin!fail, you should all sing it too!
I fucking love that movie. *misty eyed*
...Right, snarking. Back to that. |D
“I can’t do this yet," I look at hymn and frown because I'm sad for bof of us. "I am a Christen and we can’t have sex until we marri.”
They've known each other for three days! Three! I realize I'm a bit of a hypocrite after making my character in an RP discuss sex with another one on the first day they start dating, but they were discussing it because it would actually affect their relationship in the future. One's asexual and one's sexual. It's a valid point to discuss when deciding if one should get into a relationship or not. This conversation...isn't valid.
Edward looked sad at me and said, “it’s ok, i wont hurt you”
AKA "Shit, I was so close! Maybe I can still salvage this situation..."
and then he hugged me again, but got whoreny and tried again but this time i pushed him off
and put all my clothes on. “You have to marri me first! I want it 2 but WE CANNOT!!”
You met three days ago guys, remember? I have issues with abstinence-only teaching anyway, and these sorts of sentiments only make it worse. You want to wait? Wait! You want to have sex? Go ahead and have it (responsibly and safely)! Who gives a flying fuck! But marriage should be about love and commitment, not being horny and wanting to get laid. /SOAPBOX HERO LIKE GUITAR HERO.
Edward put his clothes back on to and looked sad. I felt sad too because he looked sad (and had his shirt back on he he ;p).
Girlie, you put an emoticon in your story one more time and I will personally send you to writer's boot camp. >_>
“It’s ok, we can try again later but if we do it now god will be mad. Remember what it says in the bible - DO NOT WAIST YOUR SEED.”
So wait...they're allowed to do it even if they aren't married if the alternative is "wasting one's seed?" Now I'm just confused.
(Actually, the Onan story in the Bible isn't about masturbation or sex before marriage at all. It's about Onan refusing God's order to have a child and trying to find a way around it. )
I have to admit it's kind of funny to see Eddikins get cockblocked, but I actually feel sorry for him in this fic. Poor guy's stuck with a nutter who's obsessed with him, who led him on, and who is giving off mixed signals like our traffic lights after a hurricane. I really don't blame him for being confused about whether or not he's getting any.
Edward said he understood and then we just coddled instead even though deep down I really wanted to do it with him because he was big and sexy, but i loved god too much and I didn’t want to go against my shuould always stick to whta you belive.
Big and sexy, huh? But I always thought that Edward had a small penis. |D
Edward took me home that night and I walked in to see my father sitting at the table eating. He had had a hard day at work as the Mayor but he had cooked me diner so I sat down with him and we started to talk.
Just a few chapters ago, Erin's Joan's father was a fire fighter. Now he's the mayor. Make up your mind! (You're so awesome Hugo!) Also, he seems like a pretty nice guy, right? He made her dinner, he isn't interrogating her at the door about where she's been, he waits for her to sit down for dinner and then asks:
‘where ytou been Joan?” He asked
A perfectly reasonable parental question when one's daughter comes home late, right? He's really a nice fellow. <3 This won't jive at all with what we see next chapter, leading me to think that Erin decided that Hugo was too friendly and sympathetic of a character and she has to "angst it up". Once again, taking a page from SMeyer's book. Of course, it didn't work, and we all know Hugo's an awesome guy.
“At my boyfriends” I said and dad looked shocked
“You have a girlboyfriend?” He asked
I find this hilarious, especially after all the gratuitous homophobia she was throwing in before.
“Yes his name is Edwed Cillen.”
This fic could be a drinking game. Take a shot every time the girl comes up with a new way to spell Edward's name. You'd be unconscious by now.
Dad didn’t look happy so i left coz he's an asshole sometimes
OH FUCK NO. NEVER. INSULT. HUGO. SMITH. IN. FRONT. OF. ME. /HP reference whee~ No, really, of course he didn't look happy, I wouldn't be happy either if my kid was dating some stranger I'd never met and whom she only just met!
but I luv him and went to my bed and went to sleep so I could dremt about Edwars and what we wod do tomorow.
But of course she writes him off as an asshole, when he's just being a nice father concerned about her safety. Bitch.
Menwhile, little did I know it there was another Vampire who thought I smilled yummy - AND HE WAS CUMMING TO GRT ME!!!!!!!111111111 :o
I spy an emoticon. That's it. *gets out rope, ties up Erin/Joan, and drags her away to boot camp. "NOW DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT SENTENCES. IF I SEE A SINGLE EMOTICON, I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR COPY OF TWILIGHT AND WILL USE IT FOR FISH WRAP! THEN I'LL SMACK YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THE DEAD FISH! NOW GO!" D<
DUN DUN DUN! Those wh ohave red the book will know thier is James. But still, I promise to make him different so it's new, OK? Thanls for reeding everyone, I reely appreshit it!1 :3 Love From The Lord Upon Ye All! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:03:28 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 7 -- originally snarked 9/7/09
Onward now to chapter 7. And look! She's uploaded a chapter 8 as well! I'll get to that one later. She's got 23 reviews and still not a "good" review in sight. Which makes the opening of this chapter all the more amusing...
Chapter 7 - Family Tyes
I thought it was hilarious that in the chapter-drop-down box when this fic was on ff.net she spelled it "tyres," which is actually a legitimate way to spell "tires" in some places. Family Tires! It sounds like they've got an auto store or something.
Hey everyone!!!!1 I've got over 20 rewievs, that's epick!
Yeah, over twenty reviews telling you that it sucks. This is a common gimmick. She's hoping that people will see "23 reviews" and assume that they're good and not bother to check them. Some people think a fic's quality is measured in how many reviews it has, regardless of if they're good or bad. She obviously adheres to that.
To the fake Christian who doubts my faith - How Dare YOU dowt my faith!?!?!11 I shal not be put of the Lord's paht because of FAKERS lik you. Believe means that we have to stick togather and be nice, so be nice and nt bitchee if you da reel deel mmk? THANK YOU! ;)Thank you all 4 reeding this far; I'm reely happy and God Bless You All! Have a nise day and please, NO MOR FLEMMING!11111 "Go, and do thou likewise." Thnks all! :3 xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox
I'm not a Christian at all and I doubt your faith. The hell, by these standards this girl isn't the real deal either, look at how unkind and bitchy she's been! I have to agree with the "no more 'flemming'" though. Phlegm sucks. I've got some congestion right now, and it's awful.
ooo "Bear one anotter's burdens." - Luke ooo
The "ooo's" make me think that she's crooning this out. Like, "Oooo, bear one another's burdens~ Ooooo~" ...Yeah.
It was da next day and I was having brekfast (Erin: Coco Pops, yah! :D) and dad passed me the molk. He still seamed a bit mad, but as I said last chapter he can be an asshole so I ignor him.
I SPY ANOTHER EMOTICON. DID YOUR BOOT CAMP EXPERIENCE TEACH YOU NOTHING? Time for Writer's Work Camp. Where not only are you beaten with dead fish, but then you have to eat the dead fish and deal with food poisoning afterwards! WHILE DIAGRAMMING SENTENCES NON-STOP FOR 72 HOURS.
"So Joan tell me more aboat Edward." Asked Dad.
See! He's being nice and asking, apparently quite politely, about her relationship.
I was scholked! Dad has never wanted to know about my boyfrends b4; it was so unlike him to give a shit even when he was not drinking!
I'm going out on a limb right now and am going to say that she came up with the drinking thing at the last second to angst it up. We've seen no sign until now that he drinks or causes a bad home life because of it. This is a completely out-of-the-blue character trait with all the earmarks of something that's been thrown in randomly.
"Well" I started, "He's about my age, he's in a few on my classes and he's really ubeh hawt. We met a while ago and now we r going out!" I didn't tell him about the pormiscuity though, because it wasn't Edwerd's falt I just smelt that god for him. I thought and frowned because it seamed it might be hard to overcome da bloodlust.
Um, it's kind of your fault for leading him on, only to cockblock him at the last second. Really.
"That is grate Jone! I am hapapy for you!"
Now, are those the words of a bad guy? Really? If my dad ever said that to me about a relationship, (or anything) I'd be so thrilled. He's never said anything like that to me. And my dad DOES drink heavily so I think I know how it goes irl. (Sorry, I didn't mean for this to get all downer-y all of a sudden. D= Um...Hugo! Hugo is awesome! Yeah!)
"Thanks dad!" I hugged him then left because he'd hit the bottle soon and becum a total fuckhead. Sometimes i wonder if he's even my fater.
I'm ignoring this. On all accounts her father seems like a nice person who deserves respect. Show us, not tell us you dimwit!
Edwred was at school when we arrived, and he introdouched me to his family propper.
"Hey I'm everyone, Joan!! And I'm currently dating your spunky bro here!" I said and hugged him tightly. He blushed and huggled me back. :3
PUZZLE ANGRY! PUZZLE MIND CRUSH STUPID WRITER! Also, her name is "Everyone" and she's now talking to herself. ._.
"Yeah, I herd." Said Rosalie.
You can practically hear the bitchiness in that statement. I like Rosalie suddenly.
"Has he told you we're Vampires?" Asked Alice askingly.
...It's repetitive! And redundant! It's repetitive! And redundant!
"Yah he has, and apparently I smell hawt!" I roared happily.
Because that's...really funny or something?
Everyone laurfed but then went serious. Emment told me seriously: "It's tru tho. I suffest you be careful until we adapt to your scent. We have to b carful around you for a while mmk?"
Emmet's the one who gets serious first?! This gal sucks at writing these characters.
I nodded, and Jenny pooped into my mind. I had to tell Jaser! "Oh btw Japster," I told Jasper adorabliy, "My friend Jenny thinks your a big and sexy guy. I'll tell her abot the Christian Vampire thing and you 2 can date ja?" He blushed and nodded. (Erni: See Jen-Jen, I DID THIS FOR YO!!! ;2)
Now this part pisses me off for a personal reason. I call my best friend Gin-Gin. I am horrified that this chick would write something to make me associate the person I love the most with this awful, terrible fic. It's just not right. Take a good look at this bit, too. She asks if Jenny can go out with Jasper. (We'll just ignore how OOC Jasper is, because that horse is dead and his ashes have been scattered.)
We were getting along great after awhile and soon we walked into the Cafeterra. I was talking about the girls and dressing tips - I was wearing a long white sweater with a flooing red skirt and stocksings and heals, and my hair was in epik ponytails and I had red mascara. They were wearing nice things too. We talked and talked, and then they all froze, and Edward........smacked me to the ground!!1 :o
Self-centered Mary Sue bitch. ...At this rate I'm going to end up in a mental ward, muttering incoherently about people who use emoticons in the middle of prose. Also - say it with me y'all - "He only hit me because he loves me!"
THEN THROUGHT THE WINDOW CAME JAMES AND JUMPED RIGHT INTOP OF ME!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111
Oh wait. That wasn't really shocking at all. I just wanted an excuse to use that gif. 8D
Hope you like that, and I hope you like th dayt wifth Emment Jenny! :D
Remember how above she hooked up JASPER and Jenny? Well check out these notes: Emmet and Jenny. She sucks at continuity within a single chapter.
An thanks to all you out there, really I love you all. Next chapte is an EPIC FIGHT BETWEEN.................EDWARD AND JOMES! :O Dun Dum Dun! See, I'm deviating from da book now. I'll be using 'creative sinnarios' now! ENJOI! :D
I'm not even sure she knows what a creative scenario is, and I'm not holding my breath for the "epic" fight. And who is Jomes?! I thought this was about James! The 'a' and the 'o' are nowhere near each other on the keyboard!
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:27:35 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 8 -- originally snarked 9/8/09
Chapter 8 – Music
Let us all take a moment to applaud her for finally spelling one of her chapter titles correctly. I bet her lone brain cell is exhausted!
Eirn: The excliting conclusion to the fight in the previous chapter! :O
THE EXCITING CONCLUSION, GUYS! ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? I know I am. I even made cheese sticks for the occasion. That's how ready I am. My amount of readiness would shock the shit out of you. Let's do this.
Also, again thanks to all who have red this far - may the Lord bless you and the Lord keep you until the tim comes you passeth unto his relm. Also, Jenny says hi! xD
ooo "Fight the good fight." 6:12, Timothy 1 ooo
Yes, yes, that's all well and good. Stop nattering already, you're distracting my readiness.
I screamed loudly as Jomes crashed into me.
I fliaded my arms around, and his teef came out and RIPED INTO MY ARM THOUGH MY WHITE SWEETER!!111 I scrome and failed my legs about and somhow hit him in the groin and he got off.
Remember everyone, James isn't the villain here, Jomes is. Also, I can tell this is going to be one horrible fight, considering we've got capslock already going on, and that never makes a fight scene better.
Da girls dragged me away as best they vould, and everyone else was screaming and running arond withe room!
I like to imagine it as going something like this:
Jomes rawred at me and I could see da Blodlost in his eyes and it was scarry! I got up to may feet and Jasper protected me as Iminant and Edsare came onto Jams! Emmertt smacked the fukca into the ground and Edward jumped on top of him and started beating him pu! Edward looked so sexi as he pounded into Jawms. I was cring because I was sad that Edward would be hurt.
Oh teh noes! (That really seems like the only proper response here.) She seems to get worse with her spelling when she's typing an "exciting" scene, too. Who the hell are Iminant and Edsare? I'm guessing Emmett and Edward, but...I'm honestly not sure.
JAMES KICKE DEDWAD OFF!!!!111 :O :O :O :O!
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING EMOTICONS OF PUZZLE RAGE, BATMAN!
THERE WERE FLYIG EVERYWHERE!!!!111 Da tables got nocked over as they flew about the room, and everyone was strill screaming who had staied. Alice and Rodemary escorted me to the doors.
I don't even need to snark this. She's making it so lulzy on its own! Anyone want a cheese stick?
“What are they going to do to him?” I asked alice.
“They are going to burn him if they kick his ass!” Jasser told me.
And if they don't kick his ass, what will happen?
I knew they would do that too kill him. So he wouldn’t try to ate me again. Jenny took me outside and we sat on a table outside. I was nervous not only because of Edward but because I was still kind of beleding from Jame's bite, and they were Vampires.
Wait...when did Jenny get here?! Were they at school or something? I honestly don't even remember. xD Yeah, they were at school. Okay. Moving on.
But then Edward came over to me and haggled me.
Haggled you say? "Hullo Shopkeeper, How much is this Mary Sue?" "Fifty dollars." "I'll give you ten." "Forty." "Twelve, and I'll throw in some pot and a bag of chips so you can get stoned and munch away the memories of how annoying she is." "Sold!"
“It’s okay he is gone now. Ement is going to take care of the body. Why don’t you come back to my place?”
Well that was fast! This girl has been taking more lessons from SMeyer. When it doubt, vacate the scene of the action and go wait around for someone to tell you what happened during the fight.
Ok i said and went with Edward to his house. The parents were out hunting for dear (Edward tol me that's how they eat, they don't eat people which makes me happy) and went to the lounge. The girls went somewhere and so did Jsaper - we were alone. I was still a bit sad but Edward hugged me and i felt better.
But eating poor defenseless deer is okay? Are they not also God's creatures? Love how she empties out the room for some gratuitous angst/whining/romance time.
"Why did that happen? Who was that Edward?" I asked unhappy but in his arms.
"That was James. He is a problem vamtpie from another clan. He still ates people. But now he is dead and he'll nether bother you again. But now listen, there is something I want to show you."
Whatever happened to Jomes?
He walked over to the radio and turned off Relient K, then walked sexah to the piano. I was excited as he sat down at his piano and started to play a song. As he played it became clear Edward was such a good penist.
...Hehehe, she said "penist."
It was B Minor but i couldn't recognise the song. It soundsed nice and organy like Catherdrals sometimes have playing. It was so beautiful that i cryed again, but in a good way.
As he played to me and i smiled happy and forgot what had happend earlier. The window smashed open and OH NO IT WAS JHAMS AGAIN!! ;'o (Erin - HE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR JOAN!)
Random author's notes + emoticons make me mad. You wouldn't like me when I'm mad. DDDDDDDD<
"ARGH!" I creamed and ran behind Edward who stood up from his piano and started to fight James again.
She gets off on the weirdest of things...
"I thought Emmlet burnt him!!1” I sad sadly as Edward threw him back out the window and leppet after him.
I ran out too to watch as Edward bashed James again. His fists smashed into and already broken faice. Then out of no where came Em (Erin - Ok I'm shortening it to Em because I have troulve with his name - I do this for you, kind reeders!) and Rose and Alice and Rose. They grabed james and kniocked him the fuck out. :3
I have trouble with your writing, but I'm putting in the effort and sporking it anyway. I DO IT FOR YOU, KIND READERS! EVERYTHING I DO, I DO IT FOR YOUUUUU. And ANOTHER emoticon. She didn't used to include these, they're fairly new to the latter chapters. She must think it adds to the story or something.
‘He will stay dead this time.’ Edward told me as he ran over to me and swept me into his arms. "He wont hurt you agsin."
Hello, first rule of horror movies: When you think the bad guy is dead, HE NEVER FUCKING IS.
I nodded and kissed him and he kissed me back and he took me inside again anfd to his room. He put me on his bed and layed me down. And sat next to me, he stroked my hair as he hummed to me. I was still upset by all the fighting but he made me feel better. I went to sleep next to Edward. Edward told me he would question Em how James could stillbe alive in the morning.
I totally want to see James (or Jomes) come crashing in right now to ruin their little humming moment. I would laugh. Ooh, is Emmett going to turn out to be a traitor or something? No...wait...that would mean there was some sort of plot.
When I woke up it was dark and I realised I was back in my own house. Edward was sitting nexct to me smelling at me. I sqat up in bed.
‘Did you bring me hear?’
How the hell else would you have gotten there?
‘Yes I did”
‘you’re so sweet’ I told him and coddled him playfully.
‘so are you.’ He told me and laid next to me.
Oh lawd, can we please move on? All this dry humping is getting boring.
I looked at how sexi his hair was and how sexi his eyes where. He wasn't wereing a shirt. I flicked his nose softly playfuly and he liked my finger and protented to nibble it. I giggled and he did too. Then I feel asleep again.
That's probably supposed to be cute. It...really creeps me out instead. ._.
As I slept I had a Nighthorse about james. He had come back alive and he was shooting at me with a gun and telling me he would eat me agter. I was running but i couldn’t run and then he jumped on me and i went black.
A nighthorse? Really? I have to give Erin credit, that is the best intentional "nightmare" typo ever. However, it is coupled with the worst attempt at foreshadowing ever.
Wenty I woke up the next morning he was gone, but his scent lingered in my nostrals.
"Nostrils" is not a romantic word. I'm sorry. It just isn't.
Thanks agan for reeding. Anyway, I'm thinking of having a competition! I want a nother character in my story, so give me a basic description and yeah you'll b in soon. Cya next time! xoxoxooxoxoxoxox
Unless the new character kills off all the existing ones and announces that this was all a prank and was done for the lulz, I don't think any new character is going to redeem it. u_u
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 11:43:38 GMT -8
9 and 10 are both pretty short, so I'll condense them into one post.
Brewdening Love chapter 9 -- originally snarked 9/9/09
Chapter 9 - What happends because of bertrail
Ok, I tried ignoring u flaemrs but sereosly - STOP IT. IT ISN'T NICE. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING MEAN WHEN I DID THE GOING TO HELL AND SINAR BIT BUT NOR I SEE I WAS WRITE!
Hmn, that ignoring the flamers thing didn't last long, now did it? ^^;; Uh, hon, you WERE being mean. You're not better than us, considering that you provoked the attack by being a royal bitchwad.
YOU FLAMERS ARE EVIL! HELL FOR YOU LEST YOU CHASNGE OUT WAYS!
I AM BETTER THAN YTOU BECORSE I'M RESPONDING TO ATTACKS ONLY! SO BE NICE OR I'LL REPORT YOUR MEENESS! Epsecially you Phonics, reely!! : (
How about we report YOUR meanness? Oh, wait, we already have. On a side now, I hated Phonics too when I was a kid! Mostly because that's how we learned to spell and as a result I had some pretty bad spelling until I finally taught myself.
Everyone else, who is nice, I welcome you back. Enjoy the story! Also, sorry Jenny but Emmery is going to die. :( We'll talk tomorrow when you're over k?
...Did she seriously just spoil the plot twist that I totally saw coming last chapter in the author's notes before the story even starts?
brb, I can tell I'm gonna need chocolate for this one.
ooo "Be ye angry, and sin not." - Ephesians ooo
I'm confused. :< The "ooo's," however, will never ever stop cracking me up.
Today I woke up, got dressed into my blue sheep skin lined sweater, blue Natural fit jeans, the leather uggs and applied Liberal (erin - not that I am oen) blue mascara and Sweet Rose colour lipstick before I waled out early in the morning to da Cullen house to see what was happening because of James.
No, of course you aren't a liberal. We could have figured that out without you telling us. (AND BTW, YOU FORGOT AGAIN THAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT "JOAN," NOT YOU. Criminy, just give up the pretenses and admit that it's a self insert. Seriously, I'd respect you a smidgen more.) Anyway, it's good that you aren't a liberal, because I don't want you on my team.
The tazi let me out and he asked for the fare, so I paid him and he left which was good because he smelt like fish. I walked into the doors and MC said hello. I said hello back and walked into the lounge room where evry1 was. (Ering: fuck that was an longf descryptshun sorry!)
I thought you walked to the house, not took a taxi? Also, if that description was long, what do you call the paragraphs you spend describing what you're Joan is wearing?
Em was bound and gagged in the middle of da room!
"WTF is goig on?!1/?" I asked loudlty, socked to see him like that - HE HAD BEEN BEATEN HIM IN THE FACE!111 And looked sad.
I'd be sad too if I'd been beaten in the face.
"He did n'tburn Jume!" Edward roared pointing at him with a scrowling fac. "He beatrayd us!"
I totally saw that one coming.
I looked at him - cold it be true!? I frowned. Everyone in the room looked sad, except Edward who looked pissed and seaxhi.
Of course he looked sexy. Why am I not surprised?
"We trusted him with your life and he betrayed the entire clan!" Edwoed told "And he must die!"
It didn't seem fair to me, because even Judas was forgiven - if da Collens were cHristians why couldnt they too forgave?
I think she actually just made a glimmer of sense. I'm getting worried.
"No, give him a second chance!" I proclaimed, "LIKE JESUS DID JUDASS!!1"
Judass. Hallelujah the lulz have returned and the glimmer of sense has vanished. /o/
Every1 looked at me, even MC who had bought in cookies for everywon. Edward walked up to me ands put a mussular hand on my soldier.
...Her not-son betrayed them and is about to be sentenced to death and she's baking cookies?
"Joan we can't let him live. The Load's commandment is 'Thou shall not kill' and he has helped someone try to koll. Beyond that he has betrayed the clan -the clan is not a reel family. We are from different people. But we bound togather because of our values and stuff. He has to di for betraying it all for a meany."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but killing someone because they broke the no-killing rule...doesn't that seem kind of stupid? Also - A meany? Really? A MEANY?! WHAT ARE THEY, FIVE? IS HE GOING TO CALL SOMEONE A POOPYHEAD NEXT?!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1" I cried, and cried, and cried! I raqn over to Em and hugged him and told him Jen loved him because I new he was going to die :'(
Jen wanted to go out with Jasper if I recall correctly.
Then they surrounded him and killed him with a bat to the head. I ran out, tears flapping from my face as I ran through the door and out into the woods, teary and sad! For the first time ever I was annoled with Edward.
Well shit. I mean, I know it's just thrown in for the shock value and all, but geez. And I didn't think Meyerpires could be killed by being hit? And she's known him for like three or four days. DAYS. So "for the first time ever" really isn't all that impressive. ...I swear I read that as "tears fapping" the first time. xDDDD Bad mental images ensued.
OMG HOW MEAN! I can't believe Edward did that, but I still lov hymn. But Jon (AND SHE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON : () feels bad. :( Lets hope she gets better. Also, ENTER FOR THE COMP!!!!!!!111111 And again sorrty Jenny! Reely I am. Tomorrow at 1 ok? CYA DOLL! ;)
Yeah, of course she's a different person. Riiiiiiiight. No, I don't hope that she gets better. I hope she becomes a raving manic and kills everyone and proclaims this story to all be a joke. Please?
Brewdening Love chapter 10 -- originally snarked 9/10/09
CHAPRER 10 – Braking Harts.
Ok flamerd stop plesase! FUCK OFFFF NOWWWWWWW!!111 It's not nice but yuo know what screw you me and Jen think youre mean old ladied with no fucking LIFE!!!!!!!!11111111111 SO SCROW YOUUU!!!!!!!!! Anyway everyone else LOVWE YOU! :3 xoxoxoxocoxxooxox And another thin - I will call Edward Ward from now on becorse I think Ward is a better nickname for him. It makes him sexah and myster
*cackles* She's finally resorted to the "you're just old and unloved and bitter!" retort. I had a feeling it would happen eventually. What an idiot. (What I find hilarious that, apparently she loves everyone except the flamers. I haven't actually sent her any flame reviews, so I think that means I'm a-okay in her book, and yet I have poked fun at every chapter so far. For some reason this all amuses me.)
oooo "Let the mistaken not nice guy forsake his way." - Isaiah oooo
This, however, makes no sense.
I ran into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Dad had followed me to my room and reopened the door.
“Joan? What is happened?” he asked
“I hate Ward, I never want to see him again!” I cryied sadly at him. I couldn’t believe that he had killed Em! :(
Right away we've got an emoticon. RAAAAAAAGE. At least her reaction is somewhat logical, however.
“Ok then I'll be out hear if you need to talk.” Dad said and left me alone. He wasn’t good with emotional stuff and always coped out when I neded someone.
What the hell. He just came up to ask what happened, and now is offering to talk if you want to without pushing anything. That's really nice of him! You bitch.
I laid on my bed and cried into my polliw. I hated him, how could he kull Emmet, it wasn’t Christian!? Why couldn’t they forgive like tin the Bible? I knew the only reason Emm hadn’t burnt Jemes is because he was following the Lord's tee-chings, 'Thous Shall Not Kill'. I got bored of being in my room after a while and went out the black to think.
She's actually making some sense here and I agree. This could actually be a decent source of conflict, though we all know that it won't be. I do find it funny that in the midst of all her angst she gets bored. xD; I'm very familiar with the angsting thing, and boredom is one thing I never felt with it.
Out the back was our gardener and he was name Fertado. He had a mousetaste and had tan skin and smutty overalls. He waved hello to me but I ignored him, I didn’t fell like talking to anyone.
...You have a gardener? Also, fuck your stereotyping of Hispanics (or maybe Italians). That's real mature.
“Whats wrong?” he asked me, and I couldn’t avoid him. Don't people know I want to be left alone?! : (
No, because if you wanted to be left alone you would have stayed in your room to be alone! Going outside is a sure way to not be alone.
“Boyfriend.” I said shrugging
“Oho,” he said, “No good?”
“No,” I said trying to not get into a convarsation with him.
YOU'RE A BITCH.
“If you need to talk to me you can.” He told me, i nodded and walked away.
SCRATCH THAT, YOU'RE AN ULTRA BITCH.
I went back inside and unto my room, however in the corner sat Ward. He smiled a croked smile as I sat down by i glared at him, tyhough he looks nice in the black cargos, the brown Hoodie (which was zipped harve weigh to show his bear chest :P)
I can't even comment on the emoticons anymore. They're getting to be too much. Also, when you're pissed at someone, how they look really isn't important. Nice to see she's at least staying angry. C'mon Joan, now whip out a stake and kill that motherfucker!
“What are you doing here?!" I yelled at him.
“I came to see you.” He repeliedreplof I sat on the bed but I was not happy at.
Don't be unhappy at the bed, the bed didn't do anything to you!
“I’m sorry I made you sad, eJoan.” Ward said looking sad too.
I looked at him feeling bad for being angry at him but I was still upset with him and he did sort of look adorable sexa.
Oh geez. I see where this is going. Joan, seriously, don't let your hormones decide things for you. The guy's a dickwad! He's a hypocrite and he broke the no-killing rule! Kick him to the curb!
“Is there anything I can do to make you like me again?” Ward said looking concened.
I tried to think. I didn’t know what to do, there was nothing that could make him better for killing his brother.
Yes! That's it!
“Don’t do it again.” I told him and he came over and hugged me.
“I promise I never will.” Wrad told me and came over to huggel me. I snuggled into his chest and I wasn’t angry at him anymore.
Wait, what? No! NO! You forgave him?! Just like that? You're not mad anymore, or even a little conflicted? YOU'RE INSANE. SERIOUSLY. CHARLIE MANSON IS FREAKED OUT BY YOU RIGHT NOW.
"How will you Repent?" I asked as I snoffled into him more.
"I'm going to church tomoorw, come with me please."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? *facecactuswallkeyboard*
"Mk." I replied. "What did you do with the body?"
"I burnt it and buried it."
Hmn. That's nice. Pass the salt please. (Seriously, who talks about death so casually? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT IT BEING A SIN.)
We hugged, but I was still afriad of James who was out there wanting to eat me bloo.
He was watching through da window! :o
Ok seriously flamers. NO ONE LOVES YOU. NO ONE. EVERYONE WHO TOLD YOU THOU DID IS A LIE AND THEY TOO ARE HELL BOUND LEST YOU REPENT! BE NICE FFS. IT ISN"T HARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!1111 Also comps still open and i had a nice day with Jen. I bought a new notebook YAY! I draw Ward sometimes.
Now this author's note has far less lulz in it. In fact, it pisses me off. Going on and on about how "nobody loves you" is not only cruel and hurtful, but it's just more hypocrisy because if she was a true Christian she'd know that God is supposed to love everyone - no exceptions.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 12:55:42 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 11 - originally snarked 9/13/09
Chapter 11 - Redempshun
I can already tell this is gonna be bad. (Or maybe So Bad It's Good?) Just look at that title. It screams 'potential.'
Ok, I took a little breethur becorse the evil flamers got to me. I can only take abuse so much, so I've reported it. I hope you nasty people are happy, YO MAD ME SAD!! Anyway, right, fuck you I'll continue becose the reeders deserve it. So back on with th sho! :3 3 to every1. However I do want to address ONE SINNIN 'LADY' FROM THE REVIEW SECION:
Aw, she reported us. I really hope that ff.net goes to investigate the fic and ends up deleting it instead. xD Ooh, she's going to reply to someone! Quick, everyone get snacks and comfy blankets! Put your anticipation glasses on! Lulz ahoy! =D
This is a bit confusing, so I'm color-coding it. The words in pink are those of jess0412, who's on our side. The stuff in yellow is Erin's. White text is my commentary.
Firstly: Exodus 20:2-5a Basically, you are making Edward to be a god, therefore making an idol. That's one sin.
Look Ward is not an idle infact i've had JOAN be made at him evan! To warship sumthin you need 2 LOUVE IT UNCONDIDIONALLY. WARD IS NOT A GOD YOU STUUUUUUUPID BITHC!!111111
Actually not entirely true. You can worship something out of fear as well. Just saying.
Secondly: Matthew 7:12 "Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets."
Another "sin", but still the point. You whine and flame others, expecting compliments.
OMFG NO YOU DIDN"T USE THE SAME QUOTE I HAVE look wrong becorse I respanded to the FLAMERS - I NEVER ATTACKED FRIST!!
Point. But the offensiveness of the first chapter could be considered the first blow, no? And part of the Golden Rule is to be mature enough that even if someone is being a dick, don't be a dick back.
Thirdly: Luke 12:1-12 This is a large passage, so I won't type it. However, the gist of it is Jesus warning others against the Pharisees and hypocrites. You are, again, acting like a childish hypocrite.
WTF NO REVELANCE! I am not hyppocritic becorse I RESPOND TOE THE FLAMMERS AND THIER NASTINESSS
Erin misses the point here. She's a hypocrite because she commits many sins while still espousing her "Christian" morals. I don't think Jess was talking about the flamers at all.
Finally, Revelation 22:19 "And if anyone removes any of the words from this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book."
Although you haven't raped Revelation yet, the point stands: you took Bible verses and cut them to your own advantage, making yourself seem high and mighty.
Take that. *spits at Erin's feet*
Uh oh guys. Look out, an unholy amount of Sue!rage is about to explode!
You slu, tyou are the devil's warshiper! BECORSE SERIOUSLY TS NOT NICE AT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!111111 I AM PRAISEING THIN LORD WITH EVERY PASSAGE BECOSE I LOVE HIM WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! THE LORD IS A DEVINE BEING CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111 YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN GOD SO STOP ATTACKING HIS FLOCK! STOP IT! IT ISN"T FUCKNG NICE1111111111111 I HOPE THE LORD KICKS YOUR ASS YOU WARD HATTERS I DO BECORSE YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND DON"T EVEN TRY TO BEK NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU MORE! :( (: :( :( :( :( AT LEAST I"M NOT SPITTING AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!11 EVNJOY LUCIFER'S ACCOMAPY! I'll pray then very worset upon thee unless you lift your game becoos i no the lord will no I'm RIGT! ERNI LOCKLEA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!1 8 ( THIS TOGE TO EVERY! WHO FLAMS ME SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT OR GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 So there no more nice Erin
I think she pretty much hands us reasons to laugh, all wrapped up in a pretty bow. Check out some of the contradictions in there. Her responses to the Matthew and Luke comments don't even make sense.
"CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111" ...Lol wut?
For all her talking about how she's better than you because she's all ~love~, she sure can be a cruel bitch. It's not cool to wish bad things upon others, I'm pretty sure.
Also, you've all become hatters. Congrats on your new career! Can I purchase a fedora from you? I've always wanted one.
ooo "Flamers are asshoes with no lif" - THE LORD ooo
Talk about snarky. I'm quite certain THAT isn't in the Bible.
It was Sunday and I woke up earli and dressed in acasual owtfit of blak hoodie with button up things and blacktrackpants when I used to be fat (Ern: Black is blah-k lol see what I did there?)
Um...no, no I don't c wut u did thar. I don't get it. (Actually, now, nearly a year later, I finally got the joke. xD Black is blah. With a 'k' on the end. Haha. I get it.) Joking that she was fat? Trying to make her more sympathetic because of that?
and white sneakers because my blak stilletoes wouldnot go with it and I don't own other black shit. I also wore da usual madeup. I wore black becose I was going to church with Ward and it made sense to morn for Em. I kno Em would have wanned to be remembared.
If you aren't a self-insert, then WHY do we care what your clothing choices are?!
I walked along the road and reflexed on Em's life. He seemed so nice, so why had he beetraid us all for the evil ames? I walked along the road and was sad and, everyone I walked by left me alone beca I look sad. (Erin: Note picture me walking alone with Switchfoot's Ment to Live - yeah, THAT SAD :'()
No, I don't want to picture you in such a way because this story is about Joan. Not you. Or did you forget that again? You answered your question last chapter or so anyway, remember? He was following the "don't kill" rule, which is why he didn't kill James/Jomes? ...Er, and you've known them for like less than a week. Can't really reflect on much of his life when you know nothing about it, can you?
Then I was at the church and Ward was there, standing sodly in a fitted black suit and dark gold tie. He was in pain becorse he had to kill his Vampie brothelr. I walked sadly to hymn and hugged hymn but he pushed me away and howled in pain. Then he punched the Church door and cried.
Sodly? As in...the manner in which sod stands? The black suit and gold tie made me laugh. It sounds more like he's going to a wedding. xD; Um...poor church. What did it do to deserve to be punched?
"Warfd! No, it'll be ok" I cooooed and hugged hymn, trying hard not to squeexe his hard pecs.
hard pecs = sparkle peen and we all know it.
"I cannot believe he did it, or that I killed him Jone!" He cried and I stayed with hymn for a moment as he sobbed then pushed hymn through the door so we could go pray.
You sure were fine and dandy with it the day before, jerkass.
We walked Solomonly up the aisle. The church was empty, not even the priest was there. It was very beautiful inside, with ornape colour glass pictures in the windows, and candles everywhere. We sat in the head pew together and I held Ward's hand. he had to do this for him self.
Solomonly. This time, I DO c wut u did thar. This could almost be a nice scene, if, y'know, the story was actually ever any good.
"Oh Father who art in Heaven, Blessed be thy name, I, Edward St. Paul Cullen, but one of your fock have beesmerched your gift of life! Deer Fatter, yesterday I killed a man who unto then had been lik a brtother to me. He loved me and I loved him (Erin - Guys can love eachother, just not in the ass)
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
What the bloody hell is up with that snarky little homophobic comment there? Like we give a fuck how you think, you selfish, narrow-minded bitch? Nobody is reading this damn story to hear about YOUR personal opinions, and you, BTW, have no right to decide what people can or can't do. /rant.
but he beetrayld my trust and the safety of my lover, Joan St Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, for an evil unholy being who doth not belive in you. Although I do not expect forgaveness, Deer Lord, I want to let you know I am sorry and when the time comes I expect your judgement to be as it shall be. Thank you Lord for your patients. Amen"
Joan isn't Edward's lover, they've never had sex. Wishful thinking, maybe.
I smiled at hymn, a tear dribbling from his sexah Amba eyes. He had done a first step to inner piece until his Judgement came, and i had a feeling the Lord would be kind and understanding becorse it was to apparently save my life. We walked out togather.
I really, really, really hope that God or St. Peter or whoever decides these things just laughs in her face when The Day comes. I know, it's not nice, but...I would dearly love to see that. Hey, who wants to write a fanfic of this fanfic, in which these characters get their just desserts?
Then, he turened to me, kissed and ran away. I had helped hymn and would see him tomorrow at skool. :3 I went to the local store and bought an ice cream, it was raspberry and made me happy. After I left:
The bit about the ice cream is making me hungry. ._.
"Hey there girl, that looks yummy! Hawt outfit, tho why in blak?!?!?"
It was Jenny! She didn't know about Em! :'O
More fucking emoticons in the middle of prose. Gahhhhhhhhh. My brain can't deal with this anymore.
SO maybe Ward will be on the recovery and Joan will forgave hymn. But poor Jenny, HOW WILL SHE TAKE THE NEWS!?!!1/1 Find out next time. Also, contest closed becores I cbf xoxoxoxoxoxoxozzoxoxoxox
Of course Erin Joan will. Like we ever expected anything else? I actually had to go look up "cfb" on Urban Dictionary and discovered it means "can't be fucked." At least she gave up on that bit of arrogant self-satisfaction.
All right, I've now spent half the day re-posting these, so I think I'll take a break for awhile. xD Will continue with the re-posting later or tomorrow.
Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 17, 2011 15:15:47 GMT -8
^Not going to read it all right now — I have to get some sleep — but I wanted to say it right now… YAAAAAAAY PUZZLE REPOSTED HER SNARKS ! As soon as I get up tomorrow I'll read them all and laugh. And die from the laughter. Then send you Party Hat Kittens from the Snarkers Paradise.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 16:26:06 GMT -8
Thank you Talys and Anya! Much 3 for you guys as well, you're both awesome. <3 I apologize in advance if I accidentally ninja anybody this weekend. I'm trying to get all the old snarks re-posted as fast as possible, so it's one big posting frenzy up in here. xD
I'm still in the snarky mood and I think I can get another couple chapters done before bed, so here's the next one:
Brewdening Love chapter 12 -- originally snarked 9/15/09
I will say this - I'm starting to feel a bit bad about the reviews you've been leaving/about snarking this. Just a bit. I need only consider her rudeness and stereotyping to remind myself not to feel bad, but still. You can tell she's starting to crack - this chapter has much more of a "fuck it all" attitude than the previous ones.
(I wrote the above when I first snarked it many moons ago. I've since changed my mind on that. I no longer feel guilt over her. >_>)
12 – Troubels
LOOK YOU SINNA BITCHES IF YOU DON"T LIKE MU STORY THEN FUCK OFF ALREADY OR SUGGEST HOW I CAN GO WITH IT YOU RETARDS!!!1
But didn't some people try to give suggestions?
Seriously you poeple are mean and unhelpful. And to the hore who spat at me again - *SPIRTS IT YOUR FACE* : FFS STOP BEING RPICNEKDS!!!11111111111111111111
I'd rant on about how she obviously doesn't want to take advice, but I'm too busy being baffled by the RPICNEKDS comment. I can't even feel insulted since I have no idea what she just called us. (I say 'us' since let's face it, she'd be saying all this stuff to me if she knew this was out there, too.)
ooo "The best things come after the worset." - Father James Holden, LOVE YOU!!! ooo
I'm not sure whose quote this is. Maybe someone from her church or something?
This whole following section is a big paragraph of fail and confusion.
I stared to cry as I told Jenny that Em had been kulled. She was really sad and she starred screaming because she luved him more than anything.
Jenny never even went out on a date with Emmett, (and BTW, it was Jasper who she asked to go on a date with!) so how can she love him more than anything? They've never even spoken to each other!
She did look reely nice in her scarlet dress with grey stockings though besides the added blue streaks (Ering: See those are her teers and I AM BEING CREATIVLY ARTISTICV!).
The nonsense about the tears is just...failtastic. TEARS DO NOT COME OUT BLUE. IF THEY DO, SERIOUSLY, SEE A DOCTOR, 'CAUSE THAT SHIT AIN'T GOOD.
I new she was really angry so I tired to help her out. I brought her an ice-cream and she clamed down. I told her that Em had died becorse he did not want to go aganst the Lords teechings, and eplain what had happened but left out Ward had killed him. This made Jenny a little happier becorse she wasn't sobbing now, so I guess she was happy that he followed the faith with all his might (Erin: Even though it was a stupi thing and really showled of been overlooked.)
I'm confused about that last comment. What's a stupid thing? James attacking? Emmett not killing anyone? Following faith? Does anyone else understand it? D=
I decided to take her hoem to my place were we could grive together and maybe watch a movie. When we got hoem, no one was home except our gaurdener (no not Fernando becorse this one worked only on Sundays).
And then they can make popcorn and do their nails! Sounds to me like they and their grief are going to be just fine.
“Hello Jacob.” I said
“Hello.” Jacob said back. He was an Indian America with long black hair and always smiling despite the fact he worked most of the time I saw him.
Indian America? Wut? Otherwise, this is actually a really nice description. Not overdone, and we can immediately establish that he's humble and cheerful. I like it.
“Whos that?” Jenny asked as we waled to my room
“Thats your gardener, Jacob Black. He works with Fernando becos he is old.” I told her.
Why is he suddenly Jenny's gardener?! Joan just called him "your gardener." Is she giving him to her? GUYS, WE FOUGHT A WAR OVER THIS. PEOPLE CAN’T BELONG TO OTHERS.
“Oh hes hawt.” Said Jenny, "Yeah I guess so but I've already found someone" I said back, recalling how Ward's peckers felt in my hands earlier. I needed to marry this boy!
Someone got over her grief pretty fast. As for Joan, she's just a posterchild for exactly what is wrong with abstinence-only teaching. Want sex? Gotta get married first! It doesn't matter if you actually like the guy or have any sort of compatibility, if you want to get laid you have to get married. Also, check out her use of "peckers." That's right mi amigos! Edward has TWO sparklepeens! Try getting that mental image out of your head. 8D
“Oh yes so Em's fooneral is this Wednesday? So yeah the Dullens have said you can come.” I sad but she wasn’t listening. She was going out to see the Gardener, the sexah Mr Black (though he's actually tanny).
More racism. Fun. Also, Jenny seems to be healing just fine from her loss.
I fallowed her and she was talking to the guardener, I sat and watched them then Werd appeared at my side. He fell from the roof; he was so sexahly athetic like that that he could do that shit and not get hurt.
Here's where you can start to see her cracking. Normally she'd be waxing poetic about his grace. Now? We just get a "he could do that shit." Sounds to me like someone was feeling impatient when she typed this...
“Hello,” He said to me and he kissed my check.
I hufed him and he huggled me back. He was still in the suit from b4. "So where did you gO?" I asked, trying to sound hot aspossible.
It really doesn't take much to distract these girls from their sadness, does it? Apparently lust is the ultimate therapy. Now, how does one sound hot when asking a simple question?
"I had to leave Joan, your blood was too tempting in such despait!" I frowned, and he looked away brewdingly. We had to talk about the bloodlist soon. :/
I'd like to have a talk with you about these emoticons that continue to pop up...
“Whos Jenny?” He asked
“Oh she's the friend who liked your bro that I told you about the other day. She is ok about his death, I told her about Em, but she doesn't know how it happened so yeah. She is talking to Fenando now. He is our gartiner."
Note that Joan has never mentioned Jenny's name. Somehow Edward knows who she is...but if he knows, then why is he asking...? Forget it, I'm not even going to try to figure it out. Also, she's talking to Jacob you dumbass! You already said that the guy out there WASN'T Fernando! *headdesk*
Ward smiled a crocked smile at me and payed with my hair. I asked if he wanted me to grow it out and he said yes. I will.
Um...kay? You're even more of a doormat than I used to be, girl. And that's saying something.
'Thats good then’ he said to me and we left Jenny with Jacub and went up to my room.
What happemed to jams? I quested ward/ I hadn't forgotten the lurking menace.
The lurking menaceeeeeeeeeeeeee. 8DDD /random
‘He is still after you,’ Ward said sadlyer this time. ‘I woll kull him this time.’
So much for that thou-shall-not-kill thing.
I knew ward would protect me so I was happy. We laid toether and huged and pashed a bit and then Jenny came in.
Pashed? Is that slang for something dirty? It sure sounds like it.
"OMFG JOSAN GIRL, I am going out with Jacob now.” She said all exsitedly.(Erin: See, I knew you liked Jacob. Sorry about Em, but I think we know how to make this work)
Well now I'm just confused. Like an hour ago she was screaming her head off over her one true love being dead. Now she's suddenly going out with Jacob. Sorry Emmett, sucks to be you.
I was so happy for her. He was indeed hot and she needed someone new.
Because all it takes to be true-love materal is to be hot. -___-
“And guess what, he can turn into a Wearwoof!”
Because somebody who really is a werewolf would totally reveal that secret after fifteen minutes of talking to a stranger.
Word sudenly looked heppy and stroked his chin.
“Maybe we can ask him to help! Wearwilfs are not enemis with Vampires like in novels and movies and stuff. He can kill jomes when he turning into a wolf!’
"OMG I" said, "how good, I can be safe and now you don’t have to go against the LORDS will just in case I mean." he had killed but I dunno if the Lor would overlook two deaths. :/
YOU ASSHATS. So, apparently you killing people is VERY VERY BAD, but by all means trick someone ELSE into killing! That's so nice! Hey, sure, so basically - if you believe your own rules - you'll be sending Jacob to hell but it's all good because you'll be safe and will get into heaven! I take back what I said about feeling bad about dissing this fic. You're all fuckwads! Every last one of you!
Ward was really happy now and he rang Alice and Japper to tell him that the werewolf would probably protect me. Alice and Japper came over to my house and we all sat round talking about how Jacolb would protect me and strategy to defeet James!
Has anyone bothered to tell Jacob yet that he's expected to commit the ultimate sin and go to hell so that miss Erin Joan Sue and Edward Sue over here can go to heaven?
Then there was a nock at the door and....................EM CAME INTO!
Er...well, I didn't see that one coming.
No, you GET NO AN THIS TIME BITCH. FUCK OF
*sing songs* Someone's maaaa-aaadd. I'm a bit puzzled over how not getting Authors Notes is supposed to be a punishment though. I mean, I'm pretty much okay with this. u_u
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 16:49:03 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 13 -- originally snarked 9/19/09
13 – Dishiscions SEE? ONE. GOD. REVIEWR! Thank you, unless your a pretender in witch case FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!11111
This one was posted after her move to devART and the "god review" was actually someone baiting her, IIRC. xD
All you other bitches can fuk off because NO ONE LIKS YOU! I've had a boyfriend, HAVE YOU!> NO DIDN"T THINK SO!
No, I haven't had a boyfriend, I'm lesbian. (Asexual-lesbian, but a snuggler of other women nonetheless. Condemn me to Hell now.) So...remind me again why I'd be jealous of you having one? xD But first I'd really like to know why whether or not one has had a boyfriend makes any difference to anyone. You've had one, Miss Erin, and you're still a right bitch, so obviously having one doesn't make someone any better of a person. *shrugs*
Anyway, Jenny wasn't really into the whole "now with Jacob" thing so that's why he's aliv. I can make use of him tho so all good. Review nicely, and Lord bless.
I can only imagine how the conversation between Jenny and Erin went when Jenny found out Erin had turned her into a bitch who gets over her true love's death within minutes. I hope it went something like this:
ooo "True love comes only from both hardshit and ease." - Book of Ruth ooo
I'm going out on a limb here again and saying that I'm quite sure THAT isn't in the Bible. xD
We all stood there grasping, we couldn’t belive that Em was still alive! Or at least that's how it locked to me, but something seemed off. “OMG,” said Jenny who ran into his awaiting arms (eri: NAWWWW :3 See Jen?), “What are you doing being alive when you are dead!?’
I'm not even going to ask about Jacob. The girls in this fic drop guys and pick em up faster than anyone I've ever met. Edward better watch out, the moment Erin Joan sees a hotter guy than him her "love" for him will vanish. That said, I actually think the "What are you doing being alive when you are dead!?" quote could have worked if we had more background on the character. If, say, Jenny is well-known for joking around when she's really happy or surprised, it could actually be sort of cute. However the author fails at writing so it's just dumb.
Em cam and sat with us at the table. Jen was sat next to him. “Whats the plan?” said Em determinationally. WHAT DO YOU MEAT?!?1" Word asked angstyily angrily.
Angstily angrily? Is it even possible to sound like both those emotions at once?
"How are we going to beet Jomes?” Em said looking confucioused “Your death I kulled you!!!! WTF MAN>!” Wurd said angrily andstily.
OMFG, ENOUGH WITH THE ADVERBS. I love adverbs, but seriously, this is ridiculous. D=
Jenny rand over and hoged him, she was so happy but then she remembered ferJacob and then she was confused. Could it be she liked them both..?
Wait, I'm confused. I thought Jenny sat down next to Emmett at the table? How can she run- forget it. I'm not even going to bother.
“What’s wrong jen?’ asked Em all concerned and put her hand on her cheek in an adorable way like I saw James once do to Clare at the record store in my old town.
I'm going to assume that James and Clare are people the rl Erin knows, because she can't seem to remember that she was pretending this fic wasn't about her for longer than five minutes.
“Nothin" said Erin and then she stopped huffing him and he .
...He? He what? Also, Emmett is now a drug which can be huffed, and for some reason Jen just turned into Erin. Wut.
Em looked sad but the Ward was hgetting arngy - He looked lik he was going to nock a fucker out.
Ooooh, I'm so scared.
“you are a trator! I KILLED YOU AND UNTIL YOU EXPLAIN THIS WE CANNOT CONTINUE WITH YOU IN OUR MIST!" Em shook his herd
Herd of cattle? Herd of buffalo? C'mon, give us something to work with here, or I'm going to have to assume that "herd" is code for something dirty.
“No am I not, I didn’t want to go against my relegion.” “You could have gotten Jenny derd!” Word roared sexahli but powerfully 2.
This could have been a decent plot point in the hands of a decent writer. In other words, let's not be surprised that it won't be handled well. Instead we get to hear about how Edward is still sexy.
"I would never let Jomas hurt James hurt Joan!” Em retorted back. (ERIN: SEE, BETTER VOCAB NOW YOU DIRTY FF FLAMERS HUH?!?!)
I had to put this one in its own quote box, because let's face it, IT'S HILARIOUS. She uses one word properly, brags about it, and doesn't even notice the typo in the sentence before it. She just pwned herself for us.
“You are liying!!!!!!!” Edword screamed and then went to punch em in thwe jaguar. But before he did: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOoooooooo111!!!!!!!!!!” I yellod because I didn’t want them to fight. Brothers should never, ever fight - God wants the familt to stick togather! Jenny loved em and I louved Wade. He was so sexah and he meens the world to me. I didn’t want his to hurt his brother, nor Janet to get hurt.
Long drawn-out 'no's' are not in any way, shape or form dramatic. They're stupid. At this point she's known Edward for about a week, Jenny has never even been out on a date with Emmett, and lust is basically all that is holding this thing together. I'm not sure who Janet is, but whoever she is she better get out fast. Come with me, I'll save you Janet!
Ward stopped and so did Erm. Then Jacob ran in the room!
This reads like it's from a children's picture book. Really.
“What is happen?” Jacob assed and Jenny went over to him and curied her teery face into his tan chest, sobbing. "Em, he is alive! I...You have to protect joan.” She told him. “You have to become a wearwoof to save her from the eval Jams!!!! It's the only way.”
Jocub looked thinkingly as he locked at the Vampires and at me. “What's in it for me?" Ward looked at him. "Satifaction of saving a life." "Okay I will save here from the evel Jam.”
I will never, ever get tired of the Evil Jam. Ever. Yeah, sure, just throw Jacob into Hell, nobody really cares, right? As long as Edward stays in God's favor, nobody cares if Jacob gets coerced into committing that ultimate sin. I mean, Edward and Miss Mary SueErin Joan are the only people whose souls actually matter.
Jenny looked sad and I looked more sad at her. My life was in danger, I have a bloodsucking vampite for a BF who might ate me and all sorts of drama but she had to choose between the biggest loves of her life! We all were so happy that Fenando was going to help me. Wared and em forgot about there fighting. Then Acile offed to dive us to her huose so we could work on a plan. Rose went out shopping.
She met Jacob today. She has never even been on a date with Emmett. THEY ARE NOT THE TWO BIGGEST LOVES OF HER LIFE. And when the bloody hell did Fernando show back up?!
MC and Charlie were there wen we got there. We told them the plan to save me and they were really happy that I would be saved. I bit my lip. I hoped they were happy for a reason.
I didn't even think Charlie was in this fic. She must have meant Carlise. Either that, or Esme is going to have some explaining to do...
“Jona I want to show you something.” Jacob told me and we went out the back alone, even though wad wasn’t happy about that. Did he seriously think I'd jump ship or something? (Ering: For another guy, not a dyke, not that kind of jumping shop.)
OH HEEEEEELL NO. EVERYONE STEP BACK.
No, really Erin, I invite you to go and fuck yourself repeatedly and without lubricants at my behest. Nobody is reading this fic to hear you spout out homophobic comments whenever you want, especially when it has nothing to do with the story.
“Watch, he said and then he turning into A BIG SCARY WOOF. He was russelt (Erin: A sort of brown I guess) and shaggy.
If you had two brain cells to rub together you'd know that a good writer would tell us that in the story, not interrupt with notes from the author. Sadly your one lone brain cell is suffering all on its own and I feel sorry for it, so I'll let it slide.
He was big and he had teeth that locked sharp. It was scarty but then he licked the side of my face and then I realised he ewasnt scarry. I hugged him and even know he was muscular.
That's about the worst description of a wolf I've ever read. I bet a two-year-old could say it better. Someone get me a two-year-old to ask, STAT.
:is that how you will stop Jomes.?” I asked and Jacob nodded and then turned into a person again. “And because I care about you,” I shrieked because he was naked, and he excused himself. I only hoped Ward wasn't watching. o_o But before Jacob went I exploded.
Yeah, wouldn't want Edward to know. Of course the bruises only mean that he loves you!
“I thought you loved Jenny!” i siad angry that he liked me and Jenny at the smae time - SHE WAS CHOOSING, YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH!! “I am with Ward! You are a good friend and nothing more.” I shout at him and Jacob looked like he would cry.
Um, he said he cared about you. He didn't say he loved you, nor try to make any moves on you, nor ask you out. He said that he cared. How egotistical does someone have to be to automatically assume that "I care about you" = "I love you?" Also, raise your hand if you weren't surprised that the Mary Sue has all the guy characters in love with her.
“I know but don’t forget how I felly,” and then he left me alone and I went back to see Ward. He was hot, but i couldn't. I loved Ward. He loved me. And then I went back inside to ask Em about him being alive.
He was hot? Seriously, that's the only point in his favor that you can find? That's the one trait of his that causes you to consider him a possible partner?
Thanks for reading. Pheocnixs, spit at me again and I'll report it. Seriou. I'm sure the ff reprot people don't like nasty shit like your skany arse. So. BE. NICE.
Actually, Jess was the one who spit at you. JSYK. And yet, whose story is the one that got deleted? Seems to me like ff.net had issues with someone else's skanky ass entirely.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 17:12:18 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 14 -- originally snarked 9/27/09
Also known as one of the more boring chapters. >.< Which is weird considering some wacky shit goes down in this one, and yet it's oddly dull.
14 - A New Life
Ok, now I'm on the Wonderful DeviantArt! YAY! Becose ff.net are nasty sinnng people who took my whole fucking story sown for NO GOSH-DARN REASON.
Actually there is a--
Oh wait, yes, their is a reason.
HAS SHE COME TO HER SENSES? COULD IT BE?
PHOEXINS AND SKES! THEY ARE EVIL FLAMERS WHO RUINED MY STORY ON FF AND ARE NOW HEAR HERASSING ME!!!11
xDDDDDDDDDD Oh Erin, never change. Never change. You ruined your story on your own. The mods at ff.net were the ones who decided to take the story down, not Skeksis or Phoenix. You might do to take your own advice and ignore them. Also, your spelling is a reason. You DO know that ff.net has rules about using at least semi-proper spelling and grammar, don't you?
IGNORE THIS PATHETIC PEOPLE BECOAE THEY HAVE NO LIFE! IGNORE THEM. To my new reeders read the otther chapters first, mk? Cool so yes, thank you all for reeding. ^_^
Because ignoring them worked so well for you?
OH YES DISCLAIMER FOR THE NEW PLACE!: THIS CHAPTER, EVERYONE AFTER IT AND EVERYONE B4 IT IS ABOUT TWILIGHT, A SERIES OWNED AND PRODUCED BY STEPHANIE MEYER. THIS IS A TRIBUTE NOT A STEALING!!!!!!!!11
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 (This is to see if Deviantart will accept the above as my deviser - It feels sort of wrong to take from the Bible all the time becosre it's not my own work)
Oh please. Even Stephenie Meyer would be appalled at this. (Oh lawd, did I just defend SMeyer?!)
I walked up and into the house refracting on what had just happend. BTOH Jacleb and Ward were in love with me. (Erin: From now on I'll calle Jacub J or Jay becose Jacob sounds like it's mocking the bible a bit. The orralgin of the name goes back to the founder fo the 12 Jewash Tribes and the name meas struggler with God. That's not appropriate - we should work WITH the Lord.)
What. The. Fuck. SMeyer named the character Jacob for a fucking reason. If you want to write fanfiction of her story, USE HER CHARACTERS' NAMES. You're just trying to make yourself sound like a better Christian with that explanation, and in the end you've succeeded in making yourself sound like an idiot. Moving on.
But I had to know why Em was alive - Ward had cleery killed him hadn't he not? I pondered. Em must be asked. I walked into the house and up and into his room where i new he wood be. He was sittinh on the bed, looking out the window at the Heavans, listening ironically to Evansensence's 'Bring Me Back to Life'.
Brb, going to get the world's smallest violin so I can play him a sad song on it. How stereotypical IS that?
He turned around, and had teers in hiseys. "Em, how are..." I tok a breath. "How are you hear? Edward killed you, did he not?"
Sudden flip to formal language. Weird and unnecessary.
Em looked up, with his deep brown eyes. I felt sorry for him.
Holy shit, two whole sentences without a single spelling error!
"James...James brought me back from the dead. He used a satanic ritual to -"
"DEMON SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111" I screamed and spat in his face and shoved him away with my fist. HE WAS HERE BECROSE OF LUFICER'S DOING?!?!?!1?! I held my fingers in a cross and backed away from him, praying to the Almighty incase he trying anything. He has a tainted soul!!!!!!!!!!!11
PFFFFFFFFFFT. I'm sorry, but...DEMON SPAWN? With dozens of exclamation points and ones? It's so corny, it makes fun of itself. Excuse me if I'm not on the edge of my seat with suspense here. And her reactions are so cliche that I can't even take it seriously. I just thought of what this fic would be good as. A really bad B movie. It'd be epic.
"JON! JAON! IT"S NOT MY FOLT! James brought me back; he drug up my burned and cut up corpse and put me on a pentagola then used his wicked magics to raise me and make me back togather! I did not wano come back...not after..."
You really don't know anything about religion, do you? Oh, sure, you know how to spout out propaganda and echo judgmental words toward anyone a little different, but when it comes to other spiritualities you really don't know anything at all.
He cried, and I felt sad. It wasn't his fault, but now he was a demonic Campire...how does one go about healing such a wound? I furrowed my brow and thought. It wasn't his fault, yet he was now clearly under the control of evil. Whatshould I do?
He doesn't really seem all that controlled by evil to me...I mean he's crying and sad and ashamed. Not exactly a raving bundle of pure darkness, now is he?
I called the local church for guidance, without explaining the Cullens were Vampires of course. They sent me over a priest, and I went out to great him - THE CULLENS DIDN"T KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING.
Okay. I get it. They don't know what's happening. Don't hurt me. ._.
I exited the door and the priest's green hatchback showed up (Erin: JEN I THINK YOU KNO WHO THIS IS LOL) and he exited. Out exited a tall white man with grey-and-brown-hair-and in a shortish cut (Erin: u no, guy hair), and a modest plaid shirt and black slacks. He had a fuzzy brown mustache and a gentle smile. It was, I recongised, FATHER JAMES HOLDEN!!!!!!!111 :3
More baffling author's notes and this one referencing something that doesn't even have to do with the story. *slow clap* Bravo. You've just managed to make this worse than it already was.
“Good morning, Miss Joan St Sanctuary Lousia-Smith. I recall you from last weekend’s service. You were such a charming young lady.”
*snorts* I don't even know what to say.
I bushed and Usher hymn inside the house quikly. We went up stairs, and Em prepared himself. He stripped down to his boxers and Father Holden dabbed his temple with holy water, and spoke a few words asking the lord to bless and take care of Em during the Ordeal.
Um, what? I mean...ignoring all the stuff that makes no sense, such as how the holy water ought to be making him burn, but is stripping to one's undies actually a part of your general exorcism?
The father then started chanting something in what I could only guess to be Latino. Em's sobbing stopped and his now white eyes rolled up and into his head. His mouth fell open, and he began vibratoring. :o
That's just disturbing. All I can picture is a giant Emmett shaped vibrator now. SOMEONE GET THIS MENTAL IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD.
He LEFTED OFF THE GROUND, AND STARTED SLOWLY SPINNING AROUND AND BEGAN CHANTING SOME STRANGE TOUNGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
...Am I supposed to be excited yet? The all caps and multiple exclamation points tell me I should be gripped with suspense, but I just feel bored. Though the mental image of this is much funnier.
Father Holden struggled against the energy comming off Emo, and flacked Holy Water at him from the wall. I almost fell over!!!! :O
I don't get it. Why is Joan almost falling over? Why is the water suddenly coming from the wall? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
I starnge, suppernatral wines began to blow and the room shook, and THINGS FELL EVERYWHERE. I SCREMEAD.
I'm screaming too, on the inside.
Finally, Father Holden seemed to be winning and threw all his water at Em shouting "Unheavenly influence, be gone from the mortal plane, THYNE LORD COMMANDS IT SO!" over and over. Em began whirling about, faster and faster, then slower, and sower then he stopped and fell to the ground in a heap. We dragged him to his feet and into his bed, where the Father checked his vitals.
More stupid. So stupid I don't even know how to make it funny. Badly written, cheesy dialogue, mental images that make it impossible to take it seriously...
"He'll be fine. Thank you for contacting me, Miss Joan. It's rare we see demonic forces at work on this world, but when we do..." I nodded and he went. I waved him goodbye outside b4 going back to Em.
If you're too lazy to type out "before," you shouldn't be a writer. Seriously. Or should I say srsly?
He looked adorable asleep, almost like Ward. They were related after all...I brushed my hair and smiled. I could tell everyone Em was now safe, but James...he was still a danger we must deal with.
Um...is she going to fall for Emmett now? Also, this might be the second time she actually spelled James' name correctly.
lol you know what I imagined the love hearts to look like? Cats in party hats with the hat pushed a bit down lol!!!!
IT'S THE PARTY HAT KITTENS, GUYS! PARTY HARD, MY FELINE BROS.
Anyway, thanks for reading. Cya next chapter. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Thank goodness that's over. Next chapter is way more interesting.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 17, 2011 17:28:04 GMT -8
Last chapter was fairly boring despite the insanity of it, but never fear, the lulz are about to return!
Brewdening Love chapter 15 -- originally snarked 9/28/09
Chapter 15 - Moonlite Soonatah
YO! Sorry I've gotten a tad lazy of late but i'll tru not to from now on! REGULAR UPDATES AGAIN! I promiss. And seriously you nasty reviwoes, STOP. I"VE ASKED AND ASKED AND ASKED BUT YOU DON"T! GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU> GO> AWAY!!!!!!!!!!111111 ok so for the NICE PEOPLE, on with the show! :3 Oh yeah, these love harts are kittren! NAWWWWWWWWW! :3
Okay everyone, make note of this. "GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU" is better than "GO" which is better than "AWAY!!!!1."
But who cares, because PARTY KITTENS! Squee! <3
Night came and I walked outside. Em was k so I had left him to deal with his life/fate.
Any decent prose is not going to contain a phrase such as "life/fate." Pick one word and stick with it.
I condisered calling the old manfart to tell him wear I was but he'd probably yell at me so I just send a text saying I'd be home sometime. Drunken bastard.
I flapped the hair out of my gemstoned green eyes and looked into the sky from da bacony. It wa night. There were stars and they all glistteresd at me and I smiled back. tI was beutiful.
Gemstone green eyes? Really? Did you have to go down that particular Mary Sue route? (They used to be blue, damn it! You had to intrude into me Thing for green eyes, didn't you?!)
I had changed into a black gown becorse Al (Erni: Alice shortend) decided to trade clothes wtih me so I could wear some of her nice oldern day stuff; not quite a little black dress but it went but my nis. I had also used a makeup on my face and Maybalean Mascara for the eyes (Joan: Long Lashes Urdition for the win!)
Wait...if the other Cullens were home didn't they hear all the screaming and whooshing and exclamation point death during that crazy exorcism? And who the hell changes into a black gown for no apparent reason?! Nice to see that Joan is interjecting notes into the story now though. That's slightly better than Erin doing so.
THe wind ruslet against me, my smooth creme skin rippling under the koonlgiht. I shived, and warm arms raped around me. I felt a warm, genital breath on my neck. I new it was hymn.
I would say that the "creme" skin is a major Mary Sue alert trait, but I'm more concerned about the warm arms raping her and the genital breath on her neck. O___O I mean...what the hell is that?!
"Ward..." I spoke softly and elegantly.
Of course you did.
"Jaon...I love you..." He spoke deliciously and i wanted hymn but then i remembers the bad stuff he had done and pulled gently away from his graps.
Well at least she's thinking about something besides lust. That's an improvement. Go, Joan, go! Break free!
"What is wrong Joan?" He asked.
"Have you fotalked to Em?" I answered, THe wind ruslet against me, "Have you"
Damn, if this was written better this could actually lead to an interesting plot development. I'm not getting my hopes up, don't worry.
He walked up to me and planted a kidd on my back of my head. I tore away again. Devine ass he may b, but he had to answer - he had cleansed hymnself, but...he still had to talk to Em to make it rite.
Divine ass. *snickers* I can't decide if it's his ass that's divine, or if he's just a divine asshole. Yes, I realize it's only a typo, but these are the kinds of typos I live for.
"Joan, I...I'll speak to him and forgive him."
"He folwoled thine Lord's TEECHINGS! He has nothing to fagrave!" I cried and ran off the balcony. Ward grabbed me and held me in hisarms.
OH GURRRRRL. SOMEONE JUST GOT SERVED.
I'm starting to like Joan a little. She's actually slightly not-bitchy at this point. SOMEONE SEND HELP, I'M DEVELOPING STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.
"Joan, I will...what is bothering you? I know you. You don't become this upset...unless...is...it...something...to...to...do...with...me, Joan..?"
Okay, I like ellipses as much as the next person (and since I write angst I use them quite often) but really, that's just overdoing it.
"Yes, it is. I love you too deeply to let this pass, especially with james on the loss. I...I...I need to know if you'll ever beetray me."
Ward looked shocked, so I walked up to hymn to explain.
"I love you Ward, I feel sif I always have. I canot invest myself knowing you might hurt me."
*cheers* Go Joan, go! Dump his sparkly ass, divorce yourself from Erin, find a good author and a better story and you might have a chance at being a decent character someday! Because of this, I'm going to totally ignore that you've still only known him like a week. Just this once.
He looked at the ground. "Joan I never could -"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1" I screamed. Ward was surprised. "No, Ward, I meen I neas to no if you'll want to be with me forever. I promise I'll never hurt you or beetray u."
Well I'm just confused. He says he never could (I'm assuming he means never could hurt you) and you scream NO. Huh?
"What do you mean, Erin?"
"I meae...I cannot stand the idea of you ever betraying me for another woman. I want you Ward, and only you." I thought of Jay. I could never beetray Ward...wasn't it right to ask the same? "I want to marry you...and...I want to beclaim a Vampore.
What? No! Joan, you were doing good for a moment there, don't turn back now! Also...jealous much? There hasn't been a single moment that he acted as if he was even going to look at another girl and you're flipping out? *shakes head sadly* Sorry Joan. You're doomed after all. Your author has sealed your fate.
he walked to the Baclkony. "I don't know if I can...it's barly enough to keep control of myself. I understand Jasme, and why he wants you...you smell too wunderfool for this world. I don't think we should see eachother again Joan; we'll proctract you from James, but then we musk part. It the best for us both." he had treeas falling from his amba eyes.
More telling and not showing. Has he ever once lost control and tried to nom her? Not that I recall...but I could just be distracted by the mental images of trees literally falling from his eyes.
He flew away.
HE CAN FLY?!
Poor Joan! Will Ward commit to her..?
I'm taking a wild guess here and saying that somehow he eventually will.
Find out sometime soon! ^_^ lol Becca told me of this emoticon, so thanks to her! And you people, you no who u are. Don't fucking flame. I'm sick off your PATHECIT LIVES!!!!!!
...And you seriously didn't know that emoticon? That's one of the oldest ones on the internet. Wow.
All right, this is a good stopping point. Re-posting shall resume tomorrow! PARTY HAT KITTENS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.
Post by WolfBloodRei on Sept 17, 2011 18:45:51 GMT -8
I'm going to enjoy reading these snarks. ^_^
Also, I do have a suggestion for you. It's a crossover with Twilight and Omen, but Harry Potter eventually becomes involved among many other fandoms that get raped. The troll is an admitted fan of Tara and Erin and references them constantly.
The story is called Vampire Queen. It is on this DA page.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 4:56:40 GMT -8
@ WolfBloodRei: Thanks for the suggestion! I've seen some other people snarking that one before. Ariana seems quite crazy. xD
@ Chibi: I kind of miss the days of Erin's non-stop posting and doing a new snark every week, back when none of us knew what Erin would do next. It's funny to re-read my old reactions though. Like when we first met Brian, I was convinced he was going to be a sue like Edward and Jacob and I insulted him a bit...now I feel so bad about that. xDD
Oooh, a bazooka. =D Thank you! I shall put it to good use.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:16:55 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 16 -- originally snarked 10/2/09
Introducing the chapter that gave us the famous JENNY WAS THE WINDOW!!!! line!
16 – Goen. Hey Jenny, guess what? YOUR A SLUT! FUCK YOU I TOLD YOU I LIKED TIM BUT DID YOU CARE NO WELL PAYBACK BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Right away the fic starts out with a catfight! Oh this is gonna be good.
Love you but seriously, eye for a fucking eye. And to everyone enjoy. I really am not in the mode for yor SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
Well, someone's mad. Though, from what I've heard, she and Jenny seem to have made up. (I gotta wonder why Erin's pissed over Jenny apparently flirting with some guy named Tim when we all know Erin is in love with Ward.)
<3<3<3<3<3<3 (EXCEPT NOT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE!)
I really can't tell if she means the people reviewing her or Jenny. Maybe both?
I went hoem to my fathters that nite. I felt butter at the world; had Ward had just dumped me and i was so upset, I couldn’t stop crying? I looked myself in my room and watched the moon thru the windew.
Dude, what's with the question mark? Are you asking me if you couldn't stop crying? Don't ask me! I don't know! I'm still trying to figure out what the hell butter has to do with this!
How could he dump me? DID he dump me? Leaving your girldriend after a talk like that I dunno. He had bean so mean...He had just leafed me becorse I was hot. It was UNFARE!!!111
Self-centered much?! BECAUSE YOU'RE HOT? What the hell? *gets myself a tour bus and a mic* "And if you'll look to our left, ladies and gents, you can see a prime specimen of a Mary Sue. Look, it's having one of its classic, 'my beauty is a curse' moments! Everyone be very quiet now, they're quick to anger. Their RAEG isn't dangerous, but it is very loud and obnoxious and we don't want to spoil the rest of the tour. Moving along..."
I wandered if this was how Jesus had felt being beetrayd by Jewdas.
I'm not Christian and I haven't gotten to that part in Blogging The Bible yet, so I don't know all the fine details of the whole Judas-Jesus story, but I will say this: Being sold out by your best friend to people who are going to kill you sounds like something much worse than being dumped by your boyfriend of a week. Just sayin'.
I went flacid at the idea of living without Ward. I fell to the bed and I cried some more into my pillow and then I went to sleep, crying and teery.
The next morning I woke up hopping that everything had just been a bad dream, but when I got out of bed I saw all the pictures that were of me and Word had been ripped up. He had comed in my room that nite and taken everything that reminded me of him!! I felt so sad so I rung Janny. She would no what to do, and owed me after I had pretty much set her up with buth Jay and Em.
1. Once again she stole the picture thing from Twilight. BE ORIGINAL. 2. If some guy came into my room while I was sleeping without my permission and I found out, I would hunt that motherfucker down and make sure he never came into my room again. 3. Friends do not owe each other things. They do nice things for each other because they want to. If the only reason Jenny will help you is because she owes you, that ain't good. 'Course, after that note to her at the start of the fic, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to help.
“Erin! WERD LEFT ME!!!!!!!!!!!111” I sreamed down the into phone.
We're in the twenty-first century hon. You don't have to scream into phones to be heard anymore. And...why are you talking to Erin?!
“Om mi good!?! Why did he leeve you?” Jenny asked me in concerning tone of voice.
Jenny, you're too nice to be in this story. Go find yourself a good story to hang out in.
“Because out of all the ironys I am too hot!” I told her, I was angry now. Then I explained with the bloodlist and the James and the commitment iddues.
So...Jenny knows that they're vampires? Was that ever addressed? I don't even remember. Also, enough with this "I'm too hot!" bullshit. True beauty is on the inside. And you, my linguistically-challenged friend, are not beautiful on the inside.
"I will came over.” Jen told me and she hang up.
Then, still crying, I got into my blue polo fleas and cream skirt with the black stockings and black stilletos, and applied Mayballean again with blue eyeliner this time. I syed my hair brown becose I had become sick of red.
Are you serious? Your character is supposed to have a broken heart, but you give her time to talk about exactly what she's wearing and exactly what kind of make-up she has on? (Which, by the way, is dumb because if she cries the make-up will just smear.) Look, I've done my time angsting and let me tell you, the LAST thing I felt like doing was dressing up. This would only be remotely realistic if we knew that Joan avoids pain by getting dressed up and going out to make herself not think about it. Seeing as how I still have yet to get any sort of read on Joan's personality, I don't buy that. Also, who the bloody hell wears stilettos around the house?! Iunno about you, but I go barefoot in my house.
Jenny drove her car ovah that she got for her brithday , it was white and really pretty and curvy (Erin: Like her, naww :3 love you girl no homo k). She got out and come in my houyse. We sat at the table togather and I told her what Ward had told me the nite befour.
...I thought you were mad at Jenny? Also, why on Earth do you feel the need to clarify that you're definitely straight after showing any sort of affection? You do know there's more than one sort of love, right? You homophobic bitch.
“How could he leaf ou! your too hot for him.” Jenny said, trying to make me fell batter. I did becorse she was right, I was too hot for him, but only just and I still missd hymn really bad. he was the love on my life...
You've. Known. Him. For. A. Week. A WEEK. You don't know that someone is the love of your life after only knowing them for a week. Gods, can I make this any clearer? And once again, more emphasis on physical beauty. Gotta love it. Oh, I'm sorry, did you fall into my sarchasm? /bad joke.
Then Fernando walked into hose, he looked at us and Jenny ran up to him and gave him a hug.
Fernando and Jacob are pretty much interchangeable at this point. It's just weird that she made such an effort to differentiate them at first and now keeps using both names for the same person. WTF?
“You didn’t tell eme you were coming ovar!” Jenny sqeeeed and kissed him on the check.
He...didn't know you were there. How could he know to tell you if he didn't know you were there?!
“What is rong Jaosn?” Jacob asked me, shirt rippling with mussles as his Native Indian face was perplexment. (Erin: BEST DRESCRITPION EVER!)
Um, no. Wrong. You fail.
“Word broak up with me becorse I smelt two good.” I told him and he frawned.
Yawned? Fawned? Frowned? It's like she's trying to speak to me, I know it!
“I didn’t like him, I new he was a bad vampfire.” He said, spitting at the ground. He cared for my honor THAT much...? It was intrusting.
I already know where this is going. In other news, a vampire and a fire sprite have mated and are calling their offspring a vampfire. (This actually sounds kind of cute.)
I locked away from him though, i didn’t want him calling EWad a bad person. Espechally when Ward had saved my live!
He killed Emmett just because Emmett was trying to do the right thing. Sounds like a bad person to me, but hey, I've got standards.
“He isn;t bad...but we have issues we need to sort. He wants to ate me all the time and I need to be with hymn forever as i shoulf.” I said and tears flopped from my eyes.
Once again, is this or is this not coming off like: "He only hits me because he loves me!" Also, tears do not flop. Ever. No exceptions.
Jacob came over and hugged me, jenny didn’t mine becorse we are all frends and she nows I wouldn’t pull anything on her boyfriend.
Didn't Jenny only know Jacob for like an hour before they got together? O.o
“it will be ok,” Jay told me, striking my hair with his soft hand. I snoggled into his body, he was really warm and comfortle. I didn’t want to let him go but I had to becase Jenny was looking glaringly at me from over his shelder.I cussed myself for having such a moment of weakness, but Jenny eased and Jay didn't seem to have any idea so I kept my mouth shut. I was sad, I wasn't doing anything.
So much for that whole "being okay with it" thing. That said, a hug isn't exactly having an affair. Anyone who gets jealous over a hug has some serious insecurity issues.
We then all went up to my room because Dad was coming home from the factory and he would want us out of his way. We all lied on my bed together and looked at the roaf. I was beteen Jen and Jacob, but jen was doing it to make me feal better. She is the best person ever, and I love her lots.
Her father has been a fire fighter, the mayor, and now a factory worker. What's next?? Furthermore, I think Jenny has multiple personalities. No, really. One second she's cool with it, the next she's pissed, the next she's okay again.
“what are you going to do now that Wurd is goen?” Jenny asked me and I felt lyke cring again.
Then you shouldn't have put on all that make-up!
“I don’t know, I miss him so much, and i love him lots. HE ISN"T FUCKING GONE WE JUST HAD A SPATE!” I yelled and puched my pillow in the face. HIS face.
What? Does she have an Edward pillow or something? Because that's...really creepy.
Feathers came out and landed on Js nose. He blew it off and we started laughing and I felt better. He gave me a cute smile and i returned it. Then I remambered Jen so I got off the bed and made them get closer together. I desired to leaf them along so I left the room and went out the back. Jen and Jacob stayed in the room togather.
*sighs* Like, half of New Moon is summed up in a single chapter. I can't decide if it's better or worse this way.
Out the back I sdat onder a tree and thinked. Edward and his family had gone from my life, and all becaye of me. After i was safe from Jims...I would be alone. New friends in a new school, a new town...a new...world. It hurt so much, my stomach felt sick. All of a sudden Jacob was behind me and he sat down.
Are you angsting about moving to Forks again? Get over it, you'll find some other hot guy and move on. Maybe Black Mesa. That was a joke, haha, fat chance.
Wheres jenny?” I asked him sucupisouly
She had to go home, her mother called her...” Jacob said. "Do you want to come to my hose?”
I nodded, i had nothing bettar to do. We both got off.
My gods, this girl is an idiot! You know he likes you, and you're just going over to his house all innocently? Dumbass. Also, if you managed to get off just from that simple conversation...I'm not actually sure what to say to that. I do know that they make drugs for it, though.
"Ok I will go to your place.”
Fenando's house was in the next town. His dad was in a wheelchair and didn’t say anything to us as we walked in and to his room.
HIS NAME IS JACOB. GET IT RIGHT. IT'S NOT THAT BLOODY HARD.
His room was big and messy as smelt like werewoof. It was weird but i actually liked the smell of his room. Jay sat down and watched me.
Why do people feel the need to always make jokes about how werewolves smell? Like vampires are really going to smell all that much better?
“Are you still going to kull jom?”
“Yes, I won let him hurt you, I don’t want him to kull someone...as bootaful as you.”
And countdown to Joan realizing she likes Jacob in 3...2...
I blushed, he was really sweet. He smiled cutly and i walked over to him and hugged him. Maybe...maybe, I had a thought (Erin: A HORRID AND WRONG THOUGHT) that maybe Ward wasn't all there was in my love life. I smiled, and looked to the new day but...
Hi, Erin, get the fuck out of the story and let Joan decide this stuff for herself. She's showing a sign of rubbing her two brain cells you gave her together for a change.
JENNY WAS THE WINDOW!!!!!!!1111111
FUCK YOU JENNY YOU THEIVEING WHORE! GOD SMITE YOU FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH! AND YOU TOO YOU SINNING F-BAGS! >: @
...I really don't understand how she can have so much animosity towards Jenny and yet say nice things about her in the fic. I can only assume she wrote the chapter before the Timpocalypse and then added the notes later.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:27:37 GMT -8
I ended up skipping chapter 17 (This one, it's the first revenge chapter) because I was at first upset about the whole controversy thing, (I didn't approve of sending her the link, so I was kind of pissed at the time) even though I was given the honor of being listed on the Not Nice People list. Later, after I got over it, everyone else had so thoroughly snarked it that I couldn't think of any new jokes to make. I still haven't done 17, though I keep planning to. Maybe someday. xD
Brewdening Love chapter 18 - Originally snarked on 10/3/09.
18 – Leap of Fiath YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! YOU! STOP and love you all every1 else. God looks upon thyne and smiles :3
Is it just me, or did she tell the flamers to stop, then say she loves them all?
I pashed away from Jay because Jenny was staring in all angry like. Oh no! :o
“I didn’t do anything! SERIOUS?!?!?” I said but Jenny walked thru the room and i thought she was going to slwp me.
I thought Jenny was in the window. How did she get into the room? Can she walk through walls?! (Oh my god you guys, Jenny is a ghost. PLOT TWIST.)
FeJay did nto saw anything becorse I think she was felling gilty about cuming onto me.
...I think her writing is getting worse. Also, Jacob and Fernando have officially merged into one person, got a sex change, and is cumming on her. O_o DO NOT WANT.
“Jenny I wouldn’t crack onto your boffriend!!!!! WTF?!?1" I said sadly. Jenny warked past me and went to Jay.
WTF? Crack? Is this some sort of colloquialism?
“I don’t want to be wiff you, your a man slut and I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!11111” She shooted at him and slapped him and then she left, but not before giving me an EVIL NON-BEST-FREIND-GLARE!!!!!!111
1. IT WAS ONLY A HUG. I mean...okay, she was at his house and that doesn't look good, but still. 2. I'm having a hard time feeling all that sorry for Joan since, well, she's a bitch. 3. I guess she and Jenny maybe haven't made up yet?
Jay looked upset and as thou he was going to cri. I hugged him again, and accidently admired how taught his mussles were. Damn he was a sexah wolf and he kneeded me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HE'S SEXY? THAT'S YOUR REASONING? Guys, give up. It's hopeless. She's never going to learn anything about proper character development. Yes, we know, shellfish are sexy. There's a reason they serve oysters on Valentine's Day. I still fail to see how having shellfish on one's body is all that arousing though...
"It's ok, ok she will come back to you!’ I was trying to make him fell bettar becoz I didn’t went him to be sad and upset over Jenny. She flared up sometimes, like my queef sister does sumtimes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOMOPHOBIA.
Jay srugged and shat down on his bed, I sat with him agan. This time we didn’t cuddle becor I new it woudnt be a good idéa - Jenny could come back in any moment and we were!
They make drugs to prevent the shatting as well. And we were...? What exactly?
Jay didn’t say anything so I desided it was time for me to go home. I said goodbye to Fatnando and left his house and went home. He waved.
So Fernando is his dad now? What happened to Billy? (No, I don't know why I'm still trying to make sense of this. Let's just say Billy is Jacob's grandfather in this 'verse and move on.)
I was tried when I got home so I went straight to bed, changing into my uber hot Arab Princess laungeray, it is black with white frills and made with foreign silks. I felt really stressed with everything that had happened that day so i felt asleep.
Are you trying to say "lingerie?" She sleeps in frakkin' lingerie?! Who actually does that? I sleep in old concert T-shirts! Oh, of course you're stressed. Because people who are stressed really have time to sit around and talk about their fancy lingerie.
That night, images of Ward troblled me,
I swear she almost said trolled there.
and I felt guilty. I had given in to Lust almost, and beetrayed my beloved! A guilt swept over me but then it went.
Whoa. I think she just admitted that her character has lust issues. Someone call the newspapers! Quick, get the kids in the minivan! The world is ending!
The next morning I woke up and the sun was out.
"In a few hours, the sun will rise!" "...Look, I was right about the sun!" Oh Yugioh Abridged. <3
I thought bout Wad and the dream and Jay and Jenny and i started to tear. I missed him so much. I thought about runging Jenny btu then I remembered that she was anger at me. So i rung Fenando.
Try to follow this next exchange. It makes no sense.
This is Fernando, who I'm assuming is Jacob's father. Which doesn't make any sense either, but whatever.
"Hey Funado! Is Ward in?"
WHY THE HELL IS SHE ASKING FOR EDWARD, THEN?!
Frendtaro's voice sounded old but happy. He was a good man, almoss nice like Father James but he kicked his ass in niceness.
“Helo,” J said when he anwered the phone. He sounded wearwolfy and Indian.
Somehow I don't think kicking someone's ass in niceness is really...all that nice. >.> Passing over the ridiculous and nearly racist description of Jacob's voice...
“Hi Jacuyb,:I said seductivy in an errotic manner
So much for not giving into lust. -_- Someone sure got over her heartache quickly...
“Oh, hi Joan,” he relied happly
“Is everything ok with you in Jen?” i asked
“no,” he said, he cleerly dint want to talk about it.
“Do you want to cume rond?” I asked
Has there ever been a more boring exchange of dialogue ever?
“Okay, said Fenando.
And now Jacob has become Fernando again. It's things like this that have me convinced she's a troll, because you really have to put effort into making mistakes as dumb as that. That sort of mistake isn't something that happens while being lazy, that takes concentration.
I took the time to pray and to dress in a hawt black mini with white stockings and heals, a blue frilled summeh dresstop thing and tied my hair into a ponytail and applied sexah mascara and blue lipstick for an exotic look. Then he was outside my house in a tight blak top and demin jeans and sneakers. He looked fucking bad ass.
Yadda yadda, another pointless description to try to make her sound attractive and instead she just sounds trampy...I mean blue lipstick? Seriously?
I let him in the door then my phone ring, it was Al!
Wait, who? (My first thought was that Alphonse was calling to tell her how bad her story is. Then I thought she meant Alistair of my upcoming NaNo novel.) Oh, right, Alice.
“Hey Joan..........I need to talk to you, I am coming over.”
“K, I said. But my heart was cold. It clearly was going to have to do with Ward...I looked at Jay guilty and looked away, brewdingly. It was ominous (Erin: )
For once, Erin is speechless. Makes a nice change. Oh, hey, look - Jacob is doing the brewdingly thing now too! IT'S CONTAGIOUS.
Then Al was out the front aswell.She had a pute white gown on with black stockings and heals and looked haot.
Who wears a pure white gown as daywear? And what's this? Alice looks hot, but no homophobic comment? Well, well, I am impressed.
I went out to met her, leaving Jay in the house.
“What is it Alic?” I asked
“It’s Wead...He..." She brust into tears, sniffling and looked sad. I frowned. Jay frowned.
Why would Jacob frown? I thought he hated Edward and would be happy to hear that something bad is going to happen to him?
"Ward is going to kill himself becus he is sad over leaving you!”
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!111111111", I yellowed, because I had been such a bitch be be so mean to hymn and make him consider THE ULTIMATE SIN! (Erin: Joan is a bitch!) "He cant do that we have to stop him!! Where is he?!?!!"
No, actually, you're a bitch. If Joan is, it's because you made her one. You had every opportunity to make her into a decent character and you never took any of them. So don't get on Joan's case for something you caused. And if this was supposed to come as a plot twist...it didn't. I saw it coming from the minute they broke up.
Alci nnodded and we got in her car.
"We have to leavc now, he is in Italy," She told me and I started to cry. he had ron to Euripe to escape me!
Oh, stop being such a drama queen. He went to Europe to provoke the Volturi, didn't you read the damn books?
"This is all my fault, I seamed
"No it is not, he leaft you, Aliec told me, but I still felt angily.
We spd dwn the road to get to the airpurt so we could catch a plane to erope.
I swear I read that as "elope" the first time. Alice x Joan FTW.
Ok I did have one cruiser lol but still, it isn't THAT BAD >: (
What the fuck's a cruiser? She spells the word 'cruiser' completely correct, but I have no idea what she's talking about. She's just managed to squish the entire plot of New Moon into another chapter though. Maybe she's going to go through all the books-- OH GODS. IS THIS GOING TO END WITH HER AND EDWARD HAVING A MUTANT BABY?
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:35:54 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 19 -- originally snarked 10/4/09
This one was surprisingly short. Gave me extra time to get extra-preachy in my snarking though. xD Believe it or not, I actually try to reason with her. I KNOW, I'M SCARED NOW TOO.
Chapter 19 - Roma
I RED WHAT U SAID YOU PRICKS! REMEMBER I NO DA LINKE?!!!!!1 GUESS WHAT YOU SUCK! YOU CANNOT REED OUT MAH STORIE PROPPERLY SO IF YOU CANNOT RRED YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE EVEN! FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK FDUCKXS!SDN!!1111111111 SINARS!!!!!!!!!11111111111 xoxoxoxoxoxox! >:(
Before you judge us, take a look at yourself. You've done nothing but judge people so far yourself. And yes, we know you know the link. Thing is...it's kind of hard to read your story "properly" when it's all over the place. (And, as you clearly have fallen into our sarchasms, here's a hint: when we start mass-guessing what your story says and making jokes about shellfish and whatnot, it's not because we don't know what you meant. It's because those typos are just that stupid.) Get yourself a word processing program with spell-check, a beta who has the balls to tell you what needs fixing, and make an effort to improve and you'll find that people will look upon you with more respect.
I won't lie, this fic has potential. The idea of a vampire trying to be Christian has the opportunity to be interesting and complex. You, however, are the one holding the keys to this potential and you absolutely refuse to use them. The story suffers because you won't take advice.
Furthermore, your constant homophobia offends me. It doesn't even have to do with the story, it's you interjecting your own beliefs into it. That is a sign of an amateur writer who is too insecure to let her characters take control. So, if you're reading this, here's my advice: Let it go. Let your characters have control, loosen your grip and open your mind the possibility that you can -- and need -- to improve if you ever want to be a real writer. Stubbornly continuing to write badly because you're too immature to realize that everyone, even the best writers, are always looking for ways to improve, isn't going to win you any fans and you're doing your story an injustice.
We lanted on da runway and we ejaculated from the plain.
This is definitely the best sentence ever. xD
Rupe seemed a cool and forain place and was hawt (Erin: WEATHER WIZ NOT! As in clothes hawt.). I looked at Alic eand Jay and smiled sadly at them with teers proppeling from my eyes. I was sad and crying – WE HAD TO FIND WARD!!!!!!!!!!!1111
First she talks about how cool and exotic (and...hawt?) the place is...then she's sad and crying. WITH PROPELLER TEARS.
We ran down and to the airport and asked. No 1 had seen hymn. :( So we ran around the area asking for a while, when Alice stopped. She seemed to pander for a moment.
Pander: –noun Also, pan⋅der⋅er. A person who furnishes clients for a prostitute or supplies persons for illicit sexual intercourse; procurer; pimp. Alice, c'mon now, you've got plenty of money and your not-brother Edward is about to go sparkle in public. There will be time to drive around pimpin' later on.
“Ward migrh gone to see the Vampire Mafia!”
See, basing your story on Twilight is stupid because we all know what's going to happen. Any chance of suspense is killed.
“Who are they?” I assed.
Again, these are the typos I live for. *sighs contentedly*
“When a vampire breaks the laws of the Cvampe World they have to answer to a secret governing bo of Vampires called the Vampire Mafia! Ward knows they all live here and so do I! that mesne he might be asking to be kulles for loving you so he may go to heaven still!”
But what law did he break? Oh, and here we go, maybe it won't be death by sparkling in public after all. That would be nice. Of course we all know Joan will save him, but still.
I was confused – it isn't a sin to love (Erin: so long as it's natural) so why kill hymnselld?
Now see, this AN is pointless. All it does is once again wrench the reader out of what little story there is here, and, in the case of myself, piss the reader off. Even if the reader wanted to give you a constructive review, it's shit like this that makes them delete the polite review they were composing and write out a good long flame instead.
Also, BTW, homosexuality is natural. It has been documented in other species besides humans, and furthermore, if God created everyone and everything, he must be okay with homosexuality because he created it. Who are you to decide what is right and what isn't? Are you saying you actually know better than God what is right or not? Because that's pretty damn presumptuous of you. I think that the Big G would be happy to know that there's more love in the world, regardless of who it's between.
“Why wood he? IT IS NOT A SIN TO LOVE ME?!?”!!11”
“I know Bella, but Edward beloves in an older and OUTDATED branch of Vampire Chrisanthinum. It is still technically a sin so he cold not go to heathen if he marrieds you.”
A vampire chrysanthemum? Why is "outdated" capitalized for no reason? And it STILL cracks me up every time I see the "heathen/heaven" typo. C'mon, that is funny and you know it.
I was shocked. Ward would have given up heven for ME? I was better than eternal paradise to hymn?!?!?!1
Okay, I know that isn't Christian, that's for sure. Now Joan is suddenly better than God and heaven. I know there's a thing about worshiping others higher than God in the rule book.
I feel to my knees and cryed – Oh Ward, how I had forsaken you! (Erin: Serves her right STUPID BITCH!!!11111)
Well this is an interesting development. It seems that Erin is angry at her self-insert? If she and the self-insert start fighting, will it tear a hole in the fabric of reality?
Fuck Jleb – how could of of started loving him?! He touched my shoulder but I brushed away anstily.
Um, maybe because Jacob was actually being sort of nice to you? I would like to point out though that you've based this "love" entirely on looks and therefore neither your attraction to Edward or Jacob is actually love. It's lust. That's all. And that's also a sin.
They helped me to my feet and we flew away to the head of the Vampir Mafia Heedqatters thing place (Erin: Alice woked out ok?).
No, not okay. I don't see how Alice stopping to lift some weights is going to help them find the "Vampire Mafia Headquarters Thing Place." Plus, you've just stomped on and squished any chance of tension for your characters. A good writer would have taken this opportunity to add some development or conflict to her story. You took the easy route out. In fact, your character didn't have to do anything, YOU took the route out for them by telling the reader to just overlook the fact that you're too lazy to write anything like a decent scene.
It was under THE COLLOSOM! It was white and old, crumbling away at places. Alice took us to a secret part in the corner and pressed a button.
...A building thousands of years old has an electronic button? Are you serious?
The walls shook, and heaved and then they slid away to revail a STARCASE!!!!!!1111
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 5:46:39 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 20 -- originally snarked 10/6/09
But first, I have to address a journal entry she posted:
Me and Jenny ahdthe best dfay at school today. We go to a christan grammar school were only rich christains go, and I am going to entre my stroy Brewdening Love into a conpetision. I hoep I win. Because my friends think iy is reely good. At lunch tiem jenny got asked out by a cute boy. she said yses not they are a coople. They look so hot together. But they dont do anthing, they are foing to weight until they are marrued because they are a good christan coople.
1. True Christians don't brag about how much money they have. Gluttony is a sin, is it not? 2. You're entering this mutant, insult-to-writing of a creature in a competition? Are you bloody serious? I mean, yes, when I was younger I entered a stupid story in a competition once. It had shape-shifters in it who were being hunted. It was stupid and juvenile, BUT AT LEAST I USED PROPER SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IN IT. My gods, girl, you are definitely not lacking in confidence, but confidence becomes a detriment when you can't balance it out with some good old humility. 3. She met the guy at lunch today and they're already talking about having sex when they get married? Please tell me this information has been misrepresented, please.
And on to the ficcage.
Chapter 20 – Thy love
AN: you are all jealous of my story and who meny reviows it has got. That is why you are being meen. I prey that you will lern to be nice and not be meen all ladys. Thanks to becca and Jenny for being my friend and halping me.
I'm 20 (was then. I'm 22 now!), first of all, I'm not old. Secondly, I wrote a sixteen-chapter fic several years back that was very badly written by my standards, and it still got over 300 reviews. Not a single flame among them. The people who review my fics have positive things to say about them, or offer me constructive advice as to what they liked and didn't like. I have never been flamed on ff.net, and I've been there since 2003. So, I ask you, why would I be jealous of your tiny collection of flame reviews when I have a very large collection of good ones, hmm?
<3<3<3 I love God and God loves me <3<3<3
We're a happy fam-i-ly -- No, wait, that's not right.
Down the stars there was a light. It was big a brigt and lit the hole room. In the middal of the room were the Vampire mafia. They didn’t look nice and I saw scared. But Alice was with me so I stooped becing scared and we waled to the mafia.
You SAW scared? Is it possible to see an emotion? And so like...do the Mafia just stand there in the middle of the room looking menacing until someone comes down to see them? Or were they all busy playing Guitar Hero or something until they heard you were coming and had to quickly assemble themselves into a threatening looking pose? QUICK, ASSEMBLE INTO VOLTURI V-FORMATION ALPHA-16. GO!
“What are you doing here?” The old man in the front asked me meanly.
Al spoke next.
“We need you to save ward!” Al said.
I thought only Joan called Edward Ward. ._.
“No, we will not save ward. He is breeking the rules and he is not aloud too.” The old man said angrily. He looked mean and like he want to et me.
Pfffft. It sounds like he's a second grade teacher or something arguing with a parent. xDDD "Ward broke the rules today, so he had to sit in the time-out chair. That's the rule! So put that in your pipe and smoke it!"
I fell sad that they would not save ward and they were going to kull him. I got anger.
JOAN GOT ANGER. JOAN SMASH!
“HE DID NOHING RONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111!” I shoted maddeningly.
I'm trying to decide if I should replace "shoted" with "shooted" or "shota." Both have equal opportunities to be funny...
The old man walled over to me and lock me in the eye.
Ow. Iunno about you, but being locked in the eye sounds painful.
“Yes he did you human, now I will eate you.” He bunt down to bite my neek.
Then Al kicked him and grebbed me away and dragged me from the old man.
Talk about anti-climactic. Again. What do you have against a little excitement or conflict?
We ran away from the anger vampiters and into the sun becorse they wouldn’t come into thew sun becorse peple would see them sparkle and then they would be founded out.
But...Alice is a vampire! Isn't she sparkling right now? And why would people think that sparkling is a sign of a vampire? Wouldn't they just assume someone went a little crazy with the body glitter? And why would they even care when they have the ability to snap anyone who sees them's necks in like 2.5 seconds or whatever? Why the fuck am I still trying to make sense of this shit?!
“What are we going to do now?” I cried cryingly. I new Word was going to be dead.
Don't worry, new Word documents can't die. Just be sure not to save it to a floppy disk, because those will die eventually. Also: Cried cryingly? Really?
Al sat next to me and we cried on the sideward. Then I had an inspuration.
...I have rarely seen prose more passive than this.
“THE POPE!!!!” I shooted and jumped up.
Then me and Alice ran to the vaticat.
The Vaticat? Is that like Ceiling Cat's second in command?
The pope was siting in a char in the middel of the vaticat.
Don't you need an appointment or something to get in to see the pope? He's a busy guy, no? And constantly under the danger of being assassinated? Yet they allow these strangers to go running in to see him? AND WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH PEOPLE ALWAYS BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF ROOMS IN THIS FIC. Can't anyone ever be original and sit/stand, Iunno, on the left side of the room or something? Always in the middle?
“What can I do for you holy ones?” He asked in his kind kindly voice.
...I thought the pope was holy, not the people who came to see him. I'm confused now. X_x
“We need to you to save a fallow christen. “ I told him and he glot out of his set.
Fallow: –adjective (of land) plowed and left unseeded for a season or more; uncultivated. *snickers* Edward is unseeded. xDDD
“Quick fallow me.”
Look, I don't know, but I think it's going to be kind of hard to fallow a person.
He led us to the back and there was a car. It was the pope mobile, it looked like the bat mobile but it was the pope mobile.
What the hell kind of Batman have you been watching? The Popemobile looks nothing like the Batmobile.
We got in the pope mobile and the Pope drove it fastly to were Edward was in the middal of Rom.
Again with being in the middle of someplace! Do these people all have this OCD need to stand in the exact middle of places? And how did the pope know it was Edward they needed to save, and furthermore, how did he know exactly where Edward would be? And no, "because he just did" or "because he's a good Christian" aren't valid answers.
“The he is” I pointed to Ward who was in the middal of the street.
Why am I not surprised?
The poep pulled over and jumped out fo the car.
You are getting dangerously close to calling the pope something rude...
“I am hear to save tyou!” The pope shouted and pulled out his popestick.
...D8 My gods, man! Have some decency! Put that away! Oh...wait, you meant his staff? ...WAIT THAT JUST MADE IT WORSE. Um, his rod? NO WAIT. His...baton? Cane? Pole? ...THERE IS NO WAY TO MAKE THIS NOT-DIRTY.
He waved his popestick and then Ward feinted. He fall on the ground and the poep picked him up and puyt him n the pope mobile. Then we got back in and went back tot he vaticat.
I don't even know what to say to this. I really don't. |D
In a chamer in the vaticat we put Warde on a bed and the Pope started canting old christen words and he waed his pope stick thru the air like a sworde. Then edwrd woke up.
What the hell is this? I have no idea what the hell is going on. I don't think Erin knows either.
“Jone,” He said when he saw me stanign ner him.
Well that's just rude, saying another girl's name...oh wait, he meant Joan. Okay then.
“Ward I hagged him and he hagged me back.
For someone who calls us hags you sure do a lot of hagging yourself.
“I love you” he tood me.
“I love you too,” Edward stared and kussed my check. And I will never run away form you again."
Are you fucking kidding me? That's it? That's the extent of the tension? Everything is fixed now? Are you the queen of anti-climactic scenes or what? And...did he just have that dialogue exchange with himself??
The pope smelled and put his hand on Edwards solider.
“Your farth in jesus saved you.” The pope told him and Ward looked un suicidal.
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME?! THAT'S IT. List time again! 1. Edward was standing in the middle of the street. Remind me again how that was supposed to get the vampire mafia to kill him? Is "standing in the street" a capital crime now or something? 2. Edward has shown no faith in Jesus at all. 3. The pope knocked him out with weird pope magic from his popestick (kinky...), Edward didn't have to do anything or have faith in anything to be saved. 4. The fact that you're so easily glossing over a devastating mental illness shows that you're an uncaring bitch who has no understanding of the torture it is to either be or have to watch someone you love be suicidal. This is not funny. This is goddamned fucking serious. 5. Saying that the pope smells isn't going to win you any points. 6. Who else wants to send this to the pope and see what he really has to say about it?
Al and me were smelling.
Smelling what? Do I even want to know?
We had sazved Ward. But Jey didn’t lool happe. I think he wasnted Edward to suicide but then that wouldn’t be christen and I couldn’t love someone that wasn’t christen. We went tot he plan.
Oh, hey, that's right, Jacob was with them. Weird how we haven't heard a single mention of him all this time. Did you forget, miss Erin, that he was there was well? And I thought you decided that you didn't love him? Now you do again? I suppose it would just be pointless to add that planes don't work that way. They don't sit there until you need them unless it's a private plane. Otherwise, you need to have tickets and wait around for the plane to leave and...why do I even bother? -__-;
<3<3<3<3<3<3 A/N: Oh no pour Jacon. But now Edward is save. What will happen next? God loves all good revowers.
God loves everyone, not just good reviewers. Full stop. =|
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 6:00:54 GMT -8
Here's Brewdening Love chapter 21 (originally snarked 10/10/09), but first I had to address another note from miss Erin Sue, who discovered a single paragraph about her on ED and decided that meant all of ED was about her. ._.
NOW YOU HAVE MAD ANDOTHER BAD WEBSITE BOUT ME! I RED WAIT YOU SEID AND ITS NUT NICE. YOU AE ALL EVAL SINNARS THAT ARE UNLOVED THATS WHY YOU ARE BEEING MEEN TO ME BECORSE GOD LOVESME AND NOT YOU. YOU WILL NEVAR GET INTO HEATHEN. YOU WILL ALL DIE ALONG AND BY YOURSHELVES. YOU OBLIVIOUSLY HAVE NO LIVES IF YOU KEP MARKING MEEN WEBSEATS ABOUT ME. YOU ALL ARE DEVIL WORSHITTING SANTAIST THAT ARE EVIL. YOU AR ALL MEEN AND UGLY AND NOT NUCE PEELE. YOU JUST WASH YOU COULD RIGHT A GOD STORY LIKE ME AND THATS WHY YOU ARE BEATING MEAT. ANF THATS WHY YIU HATE TWILITH AS WELL BECORSE YOU ARE JEELOUS OF STEPHENE MEYER. YOU ARE ALL UGLY MEAT SINNARS
SINNARS GOD DOENT LOVE YOU
Miss Erin, if you happen to be reading this, I'll use small words to make sure you understand. We. Did. Not. Make. ED. (I had to say ED, you see, because Encyclopedia Dramatica are two very big words.) Personally, I don't even think ED is all that amusing. I actually find it annoying. Secondly, you warranted a paragraph, a single paragraph, on a ginormous site. Stop spazzing about people creating whole websites for your crapfic that you insist, like a spoiled child, on refusing to edit or improve. You've warranted a single thread on this gigantic site, and a single paragraph on ED. That's it. Going on about bad websites about you is just making you look like a fool.
Blah blah blah, sinners, blahdy blah, something about God not loving us even though I swear he was supposed to love everyone, blah blah blahdy blah...oh wait, here's a good one: "BEATING MEAT."
Hon, for the amount of wish-fulfillment that's in this fic, I'm pretty sure we're not the ones beating meat. I'm just sayin'.
Hey, for the record, you're made of meat too and nobody's all that pretty once you tear their skin off. Get over it.
Onward to the fic!
21 – Deprestion
Either she's trying to say "Depression" or "Desperation." I'm not sure which.
AN: NOW YOU MADE ANOTHER BAD WEBSITE ABOUT ME YOU ARE ALL DEVIL WARSHIPPING SINNARS WITHOUT ANY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YOU ARE ALL MEEN UGLY PEEPLE THAT HATE CHRISTINAS. I PREY THAT YOU WILL ALL DISAPEAR AND LEF ME ALONE AND STOP BEENING SINNARS.
O hai, more of this I see. I won't deny the bit about Christinas, though. I was never a Christina Aguilera fan, though I will admit to having two of her songs on my iPod. (Stronger is just so damn catchy, and Hurt is so emo that I needed to have it while angsting. You just can't angst properly to happy music.) Hey, you know you've got some stupid artists on your iPod, too.
We Got off the plain at froks. Edward was happy to be bac with me. Jay didn’t say anything. Jenny was weighting for us. Shed hugged Jay and kissed him. He was happy to be back with Jen. We all went back to my place becorse dad wood be at worl. We sat down.
Froks? What is this Froks you speak of? Did they move? And who the hell is Shed? And why do I suddenly ship him and Jay? (Man, I still say that slash makes everything better. u_u) Also: "We sat down." Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, maximum boringness has been achieved.
This paragraph, it causes way too many questions and absolutely no answers.
Jaspar came in the door.
“You have to come home qick.”
...At least she spelled his name well enough that I know who she's talking about.
We all stood up and fallowed jasper out the door. We went to wards house were MC was baking chocolate cake. Charlise was sitting in the middle of the room wating.
“Joms mate is coming to Forks.” He tols us. I was sacred. Victoia wanted to get me for whart happend to Jams.
LIKE HE COULDN'T FUCKING GO WITH JASPER OVER TO JOAN'S HOUSE TO TELL THEM THAT?! What if Victoria had attacked them on the way to the Cullens'? Stupid character alert! Also, if this is to be believed, Joms and Jams were having a threesome with Victoria. Are threesomes considered Christian?
It's lines like that chocolate cake one that continue to make me believe she's just a really funny troll. It also really makes me want chocolate cake now. >.>
“you will have to turn ingo a werewoof and help portec Erin,” Em told Fenando who torned into a woof and went outside.
Fernando and Jacob = the same person. And, because I just love selfcest (YamixYugi and GreedxLing, anyone?), I now ship them.
“Ward you will have to take Joan to another place so he will be save.” He said and ward led me to were they keeped the Feraris. We got ina red one. Al, Jassar, Em and Roseli were staffing besife the casr.
Damn, there goes Joan gender-bending again!
“They are going to be running with fenando to make sure that Victoria doesn’t gwet you.” Ward told me carlingly.
Caringly? I'm pretty sure it isn't possible to speak caringly. But hey, this is your typical suefic.
Then he started to drove the car very fast. We were speading alone the roar.
I honestly have no fucking clue what she's saying here. Speading alone the roar? Speeding along the road, maybe?
Then A girl vampire with blode hair and evil eyes jumped in from of us.
Victoria was a red-head, dummy. I thought you were a Twilight fan?
Word swored the car to go round her. She was going to jump thru the windscream to get me. Then out of no were Jay as a werewoof came and tackled her. Then everone else was there. They were all figting. Wad got out of the car and straight to fight too.
I think we've just found a fight scene even worse than SMeyer's.
They were all beating her up sexily but then she punched into ward hard and he fell backwords.
How does one beat someone up sexily? No, really, enlighten me. I want to know.
I scremed really loud, ward was ded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
...He got punched. Last time I checked, people don't usually die from being punched, and he's a frickin immortal vampire. Drama queen.
I jumpted out of the car and run over to Ward who was ded on the grond. I stared cring. I didn’t car if Victor was going to eat me. She had killed Edwrd.
Oh, wait...he seriously is dead? Seriously? Really? C'mon now, don't tease me and get my hopes up.
Then there was a light
"I...I see a light..." "A light?" "Yeah...hey conscience, am I dead?"
The pope was driving hs pope mobile at Victor.
I had no idea the pope mobile could fly!
She ran way and then the Pope stopped. He got out of the Pope mobile and got his Pope stick out.
Dude, seriously! You don't need to be constantly pulling that thing out! Put it away! Also, if a bunch of vampires and a werewolf aren't enough to scare away Victoria and her Super Badass Mega Christian-Vampire-Killing Punch of Awesomeness (Seriously, I kind of want to hug Victoria right now), then why on Earth would the pope in a truck frighten her?
We put edwart in the Pope mobile and we all got in it and went back to Charlise house.
Charlie's? Carlisle's? Maybe Charlie and Carlisle got together and it's their house and MC is just the beard for Carlisle? Also, as someone else has already mentioned, the pope mobile really isn't big enough for all those people.
MC gave us all chocolate cake and we laif wod on the bed.
Esme, your son is like...dead. (From being punched. Yeah.) Right now really isn't the time for chocolate cake. (Wait what am I saying, ANY TIME is a good time for chocolate cake.)
The Pope got some holy water and put it on Ward fourhead. My tears were boosting out of my eyes. Jenny was crying to and hugging Fenando who had chanded back into a person.
So seriously, he's dead? We're quite sure of this? I don't want to book the mariachi band for my party until we're sure.
Everyone wathed the Pope as he poked ward with his pope stick.
"poked ward with his pope stick." "poked ward with his pope stick." "poked ward with his pope stick." ...So many possible jokes, I cannot choose.
But Ward wasn’t coming back to live.
Oh, save the drama, we all know he's coming back to life eventually. You're not going to trick me into getting my hopes up that the sparkly asshat is actually dead. (Though, in this fic, I actually kind of sympathize with Edward...)
The Pope thrust his popestick in Edward but he stilled was ded.
...I'm sorry, what was that again? "The Pope thrust his popestick in Edward." ...IT'S RAEPING TIEM!
I new edwar was going to be ded forever. The pope looked said as he chanted ancent words and danced arond Edward.
Seriously, she's making the pope sound like some sort of pagan shaman. Which is fine with me, but...I thought pagans were all bad and evil and "sinnars" in her book?
But noting worked. The pope’s popestick went down as he dropped it awey from ward.
"The pope’s popestick went down." Look, the Christian church has to deal enough with jokes and bad publicity and the such. And yet you write things like this? His popestick went down? Really? Poor popestick. Sad popestick. All limp and sad. Well, the pope IS really old, I guess he can't be expected to last very long without any help-- oh gods, I just got a horrible mental image. GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. NOW.
Jacob higged me and kissed my check. I was wet.
So what else is new?
Then there was a light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111
If Edward comes back to life because God decides that he's too wonderful to die or that he's supposed to be the new messiah or something, I will shit bricks.
I am reely exsited about wahts going to happn in the next chapter. I luv you Jenny in a beast friend way. Love to all good reviewers and all good christanes.
Because no chapter is complete without gratuitous homophobia, of course. I, personally, am not excited for the next chapter, but I am sort of curious in a really morbid way about what sort of deus ex machina (perhaps literally...) she'll pull out next...
Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 7:01:31 GMT -8
Lol. The "Puzzle Rage Panda" picture made my entire day. As did the picture of Will Shuester — you ninja'd, like, 5 snarks before I could read them all, so I just skimmed through them ^^ And the PARTY HAT KITTENS ! YAY !
Yeah, when you're done posting these, I'd love to see you snark Ariana's works. It's hilariously failing.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 7:20:11 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 22 -- originally snarked 10/14/09
But again, I can't bypass her journal entry without a few comments.
Todey me and jen and becca went to the cinma to get tuckets to a speecial new moon screaming. It is at midnite. wee are reely exsited to go ad see it.edwars is HOT.
His name is Robert, dumbass.
Then we wen to the shop and bouht twilighr thigns. I brouth a shirt with Edwaqrd on it and Becca brout on that say team jacob. enny got a team edwar one.
I thought Jenny was with Jacob in the fic though?
I am egnoring plemmers
OH SHIT GUIZ. Plumbers! Alright, fess up, who're the plumbers messing with her? And how much do you charge to put in some pipes for a sewer hook-up, because I know some people who need your services.
now, they are eval sinnars that haf no life but to puck on me.
Hey, I've got a life. That's why it took me so bloody long to get around to snarking this chapter!
So i am egnoring them and then they cannt hurt me or puck on my religion. They are jst noy torlent of othar relegions.
I'm sorry, what? I think something is being lost in my translation from imbecile to intelligence. Let me try that again. "They are just not tolerant of other religions." No, I swear I've translated that right. And upon careful consideration of exactly how I should respond to this, I have decided the only thing I can say is "LOLWUT?"
I am ging to right my stori weathr they like it or not
So give up trying to give her concrit, cause it's all going over her head.
Just in! Apple has introduced the all-new iCat. Have allergies? Don't want to spend money on cat food? Get the iCat! All the cuddly adorable greatness of a cat, with great downloadable apps such as "Looking cute," "Purring," and "Cough up half-digested food on your significant other's pillow when your SO has pissed you off!" All yours for $199.99 plus shipping and handling.
weight till the new moon comes out in the ciname. It is goning to be reelyt good.
SPOILER ALERT: It's going to suck.
I love you god, you are my best firend.
Erin's twin brother perhaps? Or maybe Erni is her name when she cross-dresses?
22 – Missire.
Misery? Miser? Mission? What are you, strange mashed-up word? WHAT ARE YOUUUUU??
A/N; This is four all my food revouwers. Not the meen peeple who are evil and hate. I did noting wrang to you but you are being meen to me. SINNARS!
Whaa? Since when did we become food critics? Unless food reviewers are reviewers made of food? I don't even want to go there... Um, you've managed to insult my romantic orientation numerous times, completely butcher the art of writing that I have spent years trying to learn, and have made sweeping generalizations that I find offensive and rude. Frankly my dear, this is quite enough to set me off. Be thankful you're on the other side of the computer. I almost clawed the eyes out of the last person who set me off.
And yet, we still get hearts. (Or maybe party hat kittens!) How darling.
Out of the light stepped a man with a long breed and weering crucifix bling.
Crucifix bling? Are you bloody kidding me? What next, is he wearing pimpin' hawt clothes? Is he going to draw a piece and go bust a cap in the "meen" vampires?
It was JESUS!!!!!!!!111!!!
I CALLED IT, DUDES. I SO CALLED IT. Okay, so I said that God would bring him back to life, but God...Jesus...c'mon, I was pretty damn close.
Everyone was studden becase Jesus was satanign
BEST. TYPO. EVER. I like this one even more than the heaven/heathen one, because here, "sataning" has become a verb. Somehow, I find that hilarious. Verb! It's what you do!
there looking at us. He pointed his finger at wart and he came back to live.
Anyone besides me suddenly get a mental image of ET? You know, with the glowing finger?
I ran over and hugged ward. “Thank you, jesus,” I said and bowed.
She bowed? What the hell, is she suddenly in Japan or something?
“Its K,” Jesus said. He was wereing a long jacket and had lots of gold chains with crosses on them.
"ITS K?!" ARE YOU-- SERIOUSLY-- WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? He speaks in internet speak too?! And on top of that, you just turned God's son into a gangster. Guys, we can pack up and go home. This fic needs no snarking. It practically snarks itself.
“Were did you come from?” Jenny asked, she was starring at Jesus becaue she was surplused.
Jenny, I TOLD you we didn't need to hoard crap. Now look at yourself, you're surplussed. You are being in excess of what is required. Stop it right now!
“I have come to earhs to protect you from the coming eval.” He told us then he clucked his fingers and disperse.
So let me get this right then. In this fic's world, somehow the evilness of, oh, let's say, starving children in war-torn countries and people dying of AIDS and cancer and people destroying the Earth that is our only home are all eclipsed by the evilness of a "meen" vampire trying to kill a whiny Mary Sue? What the hell kind of religion IS this that Erin partakes in? I'm not even sure what to make of his clucking fingers and causing particles to separate uniformly throughout a solid, liquid, or gas. Great party trick, sure, but what exactly is that supposed to accomplish?
Jeus had said he would come back so we had to weight for him. I was gald Jesus had resorted edwrd. The pope was lefting, he said bye and got in his pope mobile and went away.
Wait, when did he say that? And seriously, what the heck with this pope mobile. It's like a car, a plane, and now some sort of magical vanishing apparating machine. I want one!
We were now weighting for Jesus to come back. Ward went ober to play a song pon the piano. I watched him play sexily. He was the best penist.
*sound of a record screech* He was the best what now? "He was the best penist." ...So much for that not having sex before marriage thing. That's just not a statement one can make without, er, verifying for oneself the validity of said statement. If you know what I mean.
He was looking at me with a sexy smile and he kissed my check. I kkissed his check back then there was a pop and Jesus appeered.
JESUS CAN APPARATE, Y'ALL.
“An evil Vampire that does not embarrass the Lord
So wait, wouldn't we like this vampire, then? Because he/she doesn't embarrass the Lord? Because, see, if I was God and some vampires embarrassed me, I sure wouldn't be in the mood to go save them.
is coming to kull all vampires that fallow the Lords teechings. Becorse you are all good christinas the Lorf had cent me to protact you from them.” Said Jesus.
Nobody there is named Christina. I fail to see how any of them can be good Christinas if they don't even have the right name. u_u
I was really scared. Evil vampires that warshipped the devil were coming for the good christmans.
Whoa, what? THEY'RE COMING FOR CHRISTMAS?
Nobody takes Christmas away from Puzzle!
Even jay looked scared, becoas he had recently satred fallowing Christianity.
I'd like to point out that this is the same day that they went to Rome and whilst there didn't Joan say that she couldn't love Jake if he wasn't Christian? So how, I might ask, did he suddenly decide to start following Christianity "recently?" Recently =/= five seconds ago. I'm not even going to question the logistics of leaving Christianity unseeded.
“These vampores want the world to be rant by santa.
Ooh, okay, false alarm. It's cool everyone, Victoria and her crew want Christmas and Santa to rule. Alright, I'm back on Victoria's side. =D
They want all christens to deed.” Jesus said.
Deed what? And to whom? This is a serious binding legal obligation we're talking about here, don't be vague now.
I hugled ward cloce to me. I didn’t want the ecil vampires to get him.
Why not? Gangsta Jesus and his Bling of Holiness will just fix him up again.
THEN JOMS WAS THE WINDOW WITH VICTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111
WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE IN THIS STORY ALWAYS TURNING INTO WINDOWS?! What, was there some sort of transfiguration class that they all took that ONLY taught how to turn into a window? C'mon, be more original! Be a door! Or an ottoman!
I creamed and hid under the piano.
Once again, you have got some crazy kinks, girl.
All the cvamppies and jay started to fight, and Jesus created a swear in the air and sung it at the BAD VAMPIRES.
Let us all pause to imagine this. He created a swear in the air, and then somehow sung it. And this is supposed to be threatening. Or something.
More vampires came in the house, I was getting scared, the bad vampires where hear alreedy. There was more of the bad vamers then the good ones. We were going to lose, Then one bitt me on the arm.
Wait, who are the other vampires? We've never even met them before. Where are they coming from?!
Edward scremed and pounded into the vampire that bit me.
Emphasis mine. I can't make this shit up.
Blodd was fleeing from myt neck and running my nice blue sweeter.
Continuing in the tradition of pieces of Joan attempting to flee her insane self, now her blood is like, dudes! Let's GTFO!
Edwrd looked so hot as he pounded the bad vampre.
What with all your homophobia, I'm surprised that you think slash is hot. Talk about being a hypocrite.
Then i was hutting. My body fell like it was of fire. Jesus came over to me and put a cross on the bit. It glewed a bright collar then i stopped huffiong. He had saved me from becaming a DEMON WARSHIPPING VAMPIRE.
Jesus stops kids from doing drugs. I don't get how being bit by a "bad" vampire would make you a demon-worshipping one any more than being bit by a "good" vampire will stop you from becoming evil. As Crowley would say, take it from me, it's all about the upbringing.
Then something happened and all the bad vampires disapered. I stood up and asked Jesus what happened.
...And the queen of the anti-climax strikes again.
“What happened?” I asked Jesus.
You keep asking him stupid questions twice and he's going to start getting annoyed.
“They have goed back to satan. They will come for you agen thu.” Jesus said, “I will come back went you need me.” Then he clucked his fingers and went into the air.
Jesus has just become the bitch of the worst bunch of Mary Sues I've ever met. Poor, poor Jesus. He needs a hug. D=
Everyone was okay so we decided to go play baseball.
Random note: This has been the longest fucking day ever. They've already been to Rome and back, participated in TWO fights...and still none of them have had to use the bathroom. Truly, I am in awe.
We were a feild out the back. Ward looked so sexy in short shorts and a singlet. I was wereing a nice mini skirt and a nice blue shit.
If your shit is blue, go to a doctor. Don't wear it as a fashion accessory. Please.
Ward looked sexy as he held the bat in his hand and swung it up and down.
Erm. That's a rather unfortunate choice of words, isn't it? Well, considering how much Joan faps to him, I guess it's alright.
Jasser thru the ball at him and ward hit it, then he dstared to run. He rant and then he stoped. TYhen Em was going to bad but then Al had a vision.
And then Puzzle died of boredom. Get on with something more lulzy, come on!
THE BAD DEVIL WORSHIPING VAMPIRES HAD JAY AND THEY WERE TOUCHING HIM!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
...IT'S RAPING TIME AGAIN!
Me and jenny are having a party but No meen peeple aloud. Love you jenny <3
Like what, you seriously think a bunch of people on the internet are going to hunt you down and crash your party? It's nice to see that apparently she and Jenny are back to being friends again though, that's good.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 7:28:20 GMT -8
@ Talys: Haha, well, you ninja'd me so I guess it's fair! xD Thanks, the Rage!Panda is a gif I'm highly fond of. (Though I'm saving some of my favorite Yugioh reaction images for later. Don't want to use them all at once.) My early snarks were not always that funny anyway...it's the later ones where I think I really hit my stride and got some good jokes in. x3
And I don't mind at all. =D It makes me happy when people use my icons. <3 Thank you!
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:04:02 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 23 -- originally snarked 10/17/09
Not one of my better ones, but it's a stepping stone on the way to the ultra-lulzy chapter 24. ^^
23 – resque
Again, we get to play Guess-The-Word with her title. Rescue? (Which will be particularly funny when we get to the end of this chapter). Risque? (That would be a good title for the next chapter.) And for some reason, I'm also hearing the word "bisque" in my head. Probably because I'm really hungry at the moment. brb actually, gonna go make myself a fruit smoothie.
All right, I'm back with brainfreeze. Let's get this show on the road.
Egnoring the eval Sinnars. From now on I am going to call Roselie, Rose becores it is prettier to call her rose. This is witten as a tribut to the best arthur in the world Stephenie Meyer!!!! She is the 1 who creted the best books in the wold called Twilight!
First of all, Arthur the Anteater and Arthur the Aardvark both want to have a word with you, missy. Secondly, if you gave a flying fuck on a hovercraft at all about SMeyer and her books, then you would respect her characters enough to use the names that SHE gave them. Authors give their characters certain names for a bloody reason! To change them because you don't like them is incredibly disrespectful.
Jenny was reelly pail. She was totally worried about Jay. We got into a grop and discus a plan to save him.
Nice to see that Jenny is rising above the only-turn-into-a-window rule and being a pail instead. And, y'know, if the vampires "touching" Jacob are cute, Jake might not want to be saved, if you catch my drift...I mean, all the vision told them was that Jake was being touched by them, right? No word on if he seemed to be enjoying it or not?
Al’s vison didn’t tell us were he was but we new we would be able to tract him by his cent. Em and Jasser were going to fallow his cent to find were he was. Then Ward and Al and Roselie were going to fight the evil vampires. I didn’t want ward to go. He was to sexah to be kulled.
So what, it's okay if the others die because they aren't sexy enough to live, you shallow, vain, jerk-ass bitch? Also, I went to dictionary.com, hoping that "kulled" was a real word because I love adding definitions into snarks. Sadly, it was not. Damn.
“I don’t want you to go, you might be kulled.” I said sadly
*weeps for the joke that could have been made here* Also, need I remind you again, the other Cullens might be killed too. Weren't they your friends?
“I wont be kulled” he told me and gave me a coddle. He was so perfact, i didn’t ewant to let him go
"Ward" is channeling some canon!Edward with all this coddling.
Em and Jaser went away, We wached them dispear into the forest. I new they would find out were Jay was being torched soon.
Jake is being torched?! Look, I know he can't compete with your "Christian vampire," but could you act a little more concerned for him?
But I was still reely worried. I wnt over to Jenny and gave her a coddle. She was shaking and crying.
Oh, right, coddle her. That will really make her feel better. (Also, what happened to your homophobia? Are you becoming a decent person or did you just forget to make a snarky comment? My money is on the latter...)
“They will find him” I told her caringly.
Quite trying to make nouns and verbs into adverbs. It's just plain stupid.
Jenny dint listen tho she was so upseat that she coulsnr. Em and jaspa return and told us that the eval vampires have Jay in a mansion in CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
...Seriously? How did they find that out by going into the forest? Did they, perchance, happen to stop and munch some random mushrooms with purple rings they found along the way? (Also, assuming no funny shrooms were involved and that they actually did track his scent (I know. Wut.) all the way to said mansion, why the hell didn't they bust in and rescue him then?)
I got on wrads back becorse he was going to hav to run to Canadsa with everyon.
He can run to Canada. But you and Alice had to take a plane to fucking Rome. What, she couldn't just run across the ocean? If you're going to break the laws of physics, why not go all out? ...I'd also like to point out that this is STILL taking place in the same day that they went to Rome, came back, fought Victoria, and fought the "evil" vampires and still had time for some piano music and baseball.
I held his perfact body and felt save.
Because while your friend is being torched is the PERFECT moment to wax poetic about your boyfriend's body.
I new Ward would protect me from the eval ones. Jenny was on Jaspars back. She thout jasser was hot so I new that wold make her fell butter. I fell happy that Jenny wes happy.
Jacob was (is?) her boyfriend. If she gives a shit at all about him, I don't think riding piggyback on a hot guy will cheer her up. Or maybe it will. This is the world of Brewdening Love after all.
It was dark wen we got to canda.
At least SOME sort of passage of time was shown.
All the lights were on in the houses so no one new that there was vampires in the street.
...Does this make sense to anyone? Because I don't get it. Nobody knew there were vampires in the street because the lights were on? Shouldn't it be the other way around?
We walkled through Canada looking for the manion.
...You walked through Canada. All of Canada. Look, Erin, I know you live in NZ, but could you possibly look at a world map for a moment? See that big solid-colored mass above the US? THAT'S MOTHERFUCKING CANADA.
Poor, poor neglected Canada. OTL
But no, how the bloody hell do you expect them to walk through an entire sodding country for a single mansion?! Couldn't the funny 'shrooms (and yes, I'm convinced that's how Jasper and Emmett got this Canada idea, because if they had followed Jacob's scent to the house, then they could have led the way back to the house. None of this walking all around Canada crap. Henceforth, ergo, and in conclusion, they never actually went to the mansion.) have been a little more specific?
Canada was biggar then forks
NO. WAY. ARE YOU SERIOUS? GET OUT.
so I was scared that we wont be abel to find the mansion. Em still ahd jenny on his back and he looked like he was trecking something. We fallowed him, I healed onto ward reely tight, he was nice and warm (Erin: because it was cold in Canda).
...He was warm? Wait, what? Did or did not SMeyer practically write sonnets about how Edward was ice cold in all her books? I didn't even read the damn series and I know this!
He gave me a sexah smile.
Useless detail moment ahoy.
We were walling out of canda wen al shoted out, “Ther is the mansion where they ave J!”
You walked through all of Canada in like, ten minutes? And when did Alice get hold of the funky 'shrooms and find out what the mansion looks like?
We all ran ober to it and looked in the windaw. We could see ja in chains to the wall and the eval vampires were torching him and saying evil SATAN WORSHIPPING WORDS in a weird langage.
At least she's being consistent with the torching thing. But personally, if I was going to tie someone up in chains and torch them, I'd close the curtains.
We went in the frot door and snucked into a room. It was drak except for the fire were the vampitres were. I snaggled into ward, they looked meen and scarry.
...They didn't even lock the door? And you mean to tell me that this mansion doesn't even have a working security system? My gods, you suck as villains.
Jay was in the muddle of the room an he was chained so he cooldnt excape.
Can I just point out that here we have yet another person in the MIDDLE of a room?
Jenny was crying angily. She didn’t want jay to be murdered becorse he had eccepted God into his live. It wasnt fare.
Because it's totally cool to murder people who haven't accepted God into their lives. Totally.
Jasp and Al were waspering to each other, the were creting a plan to save jayt. But we were outnombered and ther was to humans on the teem so we locked like we were going to lost.
Guys, you snuck into their house and now run the very high risk of being overheard. Couldn't you have plotted outside? Wait...what's this about two humans? Is she talking about her and Jenny, or do the "bad" vampires (whom I'm totally rooting for because I <3 Victoria.) have humans on their side? I'm going to have to assume she means herself and Jenny.
Em wand ross were getting reedy to leep at the evil vampires. The went out.
They went out? Who went out? The evil vampires? Emmett and whom I can only assume is supposed to be Rose? LEARN TO WRITE, YOU IMBECILE. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
As em and rose juped out at the eval vampires. Word and al and Jas fallowed. The evel vampires were taken buy supplies
Nothing worse than being startled while you're trying to buy supplies, lemme tell ya.
but they were still more of them then there was of the good Christine vampires. Me and jenny snucked passed the fighting vampires and went to were jay was chained up. We tyred to brake the chains but thet were mad of metel and steal. The only ones that coold brake it was a vampre.
Or you could have considered that in the vision, both Alice's and the funny mushroom one, someone must have noted that Jake was chained up. And maybe SOMEONE could have thought to bring a pair of bolt cutters. But wait, that would mean the characters in this fic would actually need to display some intelligence. Sorry Jake. You're going to be there forever.
The eval vampires were winning angst us.
“You havr to run away!” Em said and we did.
...For some reason, the only response I have to this is ORLY?
We snucked back out of the rom
You were just fighting with them! How do you sneak out of a fight?!
and ran out the door and into the town. Everyone fallowed behind us. Wad picked me up and put me on his back sexily.
I wouldn't have expected any less.
Jas picked up Jenny sexily too and put her on her back.
Because Jenny's not important enough to be put on his back sexily too, only picked up. Or her back. Looks like Jasper got a random sex change. I've heard of surprise buttsex, but surprise sex change? That's a new one.
We were all running sexah like away from the evil vampires wen I remambered
Everybody was sex-eh run-ning! *to the tune of "Everybody was kung-fu figh-ting"*
We had left jay behind.
We all were running
...and then we all fell off a cliff and died. The end.
A/N; I hop you liked that chapter jenny I wote it for you because you are awesum and I will pot you in the next chapter Becca I promos. <3. God Loves you
You made Jenny into a bitchy, two-faced slut. I'm sure she's thrilled.
Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:11:43 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 24 -- originally snarked 10/18/09
24 – Sin
A/N: I am putting Becca in this chapter coz I promossed her that I wold. Love you Becca xoxox. I am still egnoring eval phlemmers that are sinnars. Now I have a new fiern on DA called Mitsu-der-Hamster. She is a nice person and a good christen. She is reely nice unlik you evil phlemming sinnars.
Ten bucks says that Mitsu is a) being REALLY charitable or b) faking it. And my gods, enough with the phlegm! I've got some godawful allergies right now as it is, I don't want to see that word. Or a word that vaguely resembles it.
O0o0o0o0o0o0o <- they are cute bubles.
...Seriously, Erin, what are you smoking? I want some.
We were at school and it was raining.
You jackasses! What about Jacob? The guy you left chained up last chapter? Anyone remember him?
I was huggled into Ward and Jenny was with Em in the lunchrom. Then to new peeple worked in the door. They were becca and Dan (Erin:This is for you becca nd dan). They looked sad beouse they dint know were to sit. I inveted them over to our table. They sat down and introducted themshelves.
And cue Puzzle falling asleep already. How boring is this? So boring that I got up and randomly put on my canine-teeth fangs (part of my demon cosplay for Halloween) and went to model them to myself in the mirror for the third time today. (I can't help it, they're so much fun to wear. xD) That's how bored I got. It's also probably proof of the ADD that I swear I have.
"I am becca and this is my broher dan," Becca said and then she wishpered to me "wo is that hot guy ther. She pointed to jassper.
There was originally a bunch of """ thingies in this. Erin, it's called proofreading. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?!
"Thats japser," i sayed and becca smelled a cute smell at him.
What, pray tell, is a cute smell? No, really, enlighten me. I want to know.
She was reelly preety, she had blon hare and she was wereing a tight green top becoirse she had beg boons and she was wering a sexah anry prunt miniskirt. We buth guggled and jassper blushed. Dan was talling to al, they looked cute together. I hopped that they would dete.
Once again we have some more pointless exposition about looks. WTF is an "anry prunt" miniskirt?
Then rose cam in with her boyfriend Charlie. They locked relly hot. I was jeelous even though I was alredy hot. We all stred talking to gether btu then it was tiome to go home.
"I was already hot." Holy egotistical statement Batman! ...Charlie is dating Rosalie? Whaaaa? Also, it must've been a half-day or something, why else would they go home right after lunch?
First we all went back to my hose becase I kneeded to tall dad i was goging to stay at edards. He had just came home from the courts were he was a lawyer at. He was ging to star drining soon so we got my cloths and left qick.
First he was a fire fighter, then the mayor, then a factory worker, now a lawyer. For the record, an alcoholic probably wouldn't be able to hold more than two of those jobs. Hugo is clearly quite responsible.
We all went to ewards were charlise and Mc were weighing for us. We were all ging to go to cruch together becaue it would be a familey booding secion. I canged into a nice floowing green skirt and a tight green sweeter. Jenny was wereing a black dress and Becca was in a purple dirss. We all got in the krullens farry and we drove to the chuch.
If it's a FAMILY bonding time, why is Jenny there? More importantly, why are Becca and Dan there when they only just met them today?!
Father James Holden was at the chuch weighing for us to arrave.
...Do church leaders seriously wait to begin sermons until everyone is there? Or was this like a personal blessing thing? Is this normal? Times like these I regret not knowing much about Christianity, this might be easier to snark if I knew what was normal and what wasn't.
We got out the cart and went insude the chuch. We sat at the frount and listened to Father James. He blessed us and then we coold go home agen.
Really? That's it? I always thought going to church was more...interesting. You know, with singing at the very least.
I was sting with wad sO we wet to his room. We wer going topo be sleepen in the sam bed. It was ok becourse i new wrad wount do anytin against our religion now that we had bean blessed.
Delusional. You are it.
We caddled in bed and kissed each other on the lip. Ward looked so hot, he was wering a beig shirt and nice jeans. He took off his shit so i could look at his prefect chess.
At least Joan doesn't have anything against chess, the way Bella does. Also, this scene isn't even remotely sensual. I wrote scenes more romantic than this when I was first starting out writing, dammit. That's just sad.
He had reelly big mussels
Size matters when it comes to the kind of shellfish a man can procure for you, after all. u_u
and niec skin. I was happy becouse he was with me and no-one else. We hugged and kussed some more and then edwrd was lying on top of me. He was tryig to take off my bra.
Still convinced he isn't going to try anything?
I dint no if i sould let him or not, we had ust bean blessed by the pope.
You were blessed by Father Holden, you nimrod! Just a few paragraphs ago! He's not the pope!
"It will be k, we have bean bleassed." Ward said and he took off my bra.
I bet you say that to all the ladies. Blessed =/= married, and wasn't it marriage that matters? Also, bean bleassed. Sounds like some sort of exotic soup, no?
I was neerious, i hadn't done thus befour. Ward kissed my check and i kissed his chest. He hand was moving to my pants.
Joan, tell him to stop if you seriously give a crap about the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing. Otherwise, go at it and quit wangsting.
Then the door opened and Jay was sanding there.
"Oy, you fuckwads, what the hell with leaving me tied up in that mansion with the vampires?!"
He locked at what me and ward were doing an said
"ERIN I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMEHTING!"
SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME COCKBLOCK! This moment made this whole chapter worth it.
A/n: I hop you liked that chapper Becca, I no who nmuch you luv japster. And dan i wote you in too, u weill be more in the nest chatter. I <3 u.
I'm not sure what to say. When I first snarked this my allergies had made me so miserable that I found the whole thing boring. Now I still think the beginning is stupidly boring, but the ending has become more amusing to me. xD