Puzzle's Snark Thread (snarking random one-shots)
Apr 26, 2012 13:53:23 GMT -8
Post by PuzzleChick on Apr 26, 2012 13:53:23 GMT -8
It's time to get some new snarks going in this thread! And first up is a little one-shot I dug up from ff.net. It's short, bad, and a Twilight/Yugioh cross-over, so all hands on deck for some Personally Offended Puzzle!
The title is Romance Forever (...yeah) by someone calling herself Reireirei-chan and the summary is your typical Twilight fare:
The characters say Dark Magician & Bella, and while I'd give Rei-cubed props for a ship that even I've never thought of, the summary isn't giving me much hope. I mean, a magician isn't even mentioned.
...Let's do this before I change my mind and go back to re-playing the This Day Aria for the tenth time.
I'm guessing Rei is a character in EVA. You couldn't have just stuck with that fandom, could you? You had to turn to Twilight...
Huzzah, this fic doesn't waste any time getting to the point. /o/
CONTENTION, PEOPLE. CONTENTION.
Hey, Smeyer? You spent three books getting this point across. A badfic author just managed to do it in a single paragraph. Just saying.
Dude are they on a stage or something? This is the most random way to begin a conversation. That said, I would love it if this is taking place someplace super mundane like a bus stop or a cafeteria or something. I imagine them standing on tables.
Whoa, wait! This is first person?! Did anyone get the impression from the last paragraphs that this was first person? Anyone? Because I didn't.
Does that mean what I think it means? UNF. (Guys, guys, you're at a bus stop cafeteria in my head. Go love him with every inch of your being at home. In private.)
And still no card games in sight. Are we sure this is a Yugioh cross-over?
Uh, how old is this writer, anyway? Is she even old enough to be an Evangelion fan? She writes like she's seven, other than that one use of "contention."
GOOD LORD WHAT SUSPENSE I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL.
Ooh, maybe the newcomer is Marik or someone interesting!
Oh. Well, Jacob's not bad, and he sure does get the better lines here.
I just imagined Edward's body turning into elastic and literally encircling Bella like a snake. Look, I even drew a terrible MS paint drawing of it!
I'd personally just ask Bella what she wanted, but then again I've always considered significant others to be equals, not possessions.
Jacob has a point. I'm on his side. Plus he has fabulous hair and doesn't turn into a snake and encircle people.
Edward somehow gained magical airbending abilities and a coat. Crap, does this mean I have to edit my drawing? Ughh. Fine.
Fuck.
I'm very jealous of these people for having a duel chamber. =| Also I guess I need to make another edit.
Okay, he's a snake, an airbender, a coat-wearer, and a duelist. Have I left anything out?
Oh, I guess this is before the era of duel disks. Meh, I'm leaving it in, I'm not sure how I'd add an actual dueling arena to that drawing.
That's...a pretty dumb way to shuffle a deck. Save tossing cards in the air for casino tricks and treat your cards with some respect. >(
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS YOU NEED TO MAKE A SACRIFICE FIRST YOUR IDIOT--
Well, wait. I guess if they're still in the era of duel arenas it must be during Duelist Kindgom, before the new rules came out. So playing the Dark Magician would be legal. Fine, I'll let it slide this once. *sulks*
Oh hey, is Bella going to fall in love with the DM now?
How about now?! C'mon Bella! Sexy magician beats emo vampire any day!
Well that's a stupid move. Unless you've got Salamandra and a Rush Recklessly hanging out in your hand.
I'm sure we needed to know this.
Yes that usually happens when you play a card. Also, that's your whole turn? Really? Nothing else?
That card doesn't even exist! And if you're trying to activate Macro Cosmos, that card wasn't created until after DK!
Thank you, Jacob.
Um...I don't think that's exactly how the name Nosferatu works.
So far you've played a spellcaster and a key card for Different Dimension decks. I haven't seen any vampires at all. Which is dumb because there actually are vampire cards, including Vampire Lord, which Kaiba actually had in his deck in the Noa arc. Which, fun fact for any Edenverse readers, was where I originally got the idea for that fic's vampire lords! =D
SEE. If he'd played Vampire Lord this whole thing would actually make sense! Instead he played Dark Magician which only Yugi used and a card that was never used in the Yugioh DM anime.
Is anyone sick of me geeking out yet?
Once again Jacob speaks the truth.
You know you could just attack him. It isn't like he's played any trap cards.
Good gods, I'm going to have to eat a lot of chocolate to manage to forget the mental image of Edward Cullen claiming to have faith in the heart of the cards. My childhood, why has it been marred this way? ;___;
This is not how Macro Cosmos works guize.
Okay so instead of Cosmos of Doom/Macro Cosmos we're all going to pretend that Edward played Raigeki so that I can stop clawing at my eyes from the frustration of seeing cards played wrong, okay? Okay.
You can't actually do that during your opponents turn...well, in DK you could. I'll let it go. I'm letting it go. I'm being very zen...
THAT'S NOT POLYMERIZATION, THAT'S MULTIPLY AND IT DOESN'T WORK ON HIGH LEVEL MONSTERS AND EVEN IF IT DID IT WOULDN'T DESTROY THE DARK MAGICIAN BECAUSE EVEN A THOUSAND 1800 POINT MONSTERS WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN 2500 SDKFHADKFHAKLGFALGBFVAIVAIDFAIOHAI;G;Iewfisbdjk:.
Welp, there go my eyes.
Jacob you haven't played a single forest monster. You played a fire-type monster. Which is what destroyed forest monsters if you ever played the Sacred Cards or Reshef video games. So you're not a very good forest dweller. AND THE DARK MAGICIAN IS NOT A VAMPIRE.
...
FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. MIND CRUSHES FOR EVERYONE. Except Jacob.
Luckily I have no more eyes to scratch out at this point.
And Puzzle went to go drown her sorrows in chocolate soymilk. THE END.
The title is Romance Forever (...yeah) by someone calling herself Reireirei-chan and the summary is your typical Twilight fare:
A werewolf and a vampire fight over the heart of Isabella! Only one can win her heart forever for eternity!
The characters say Dark Magician & Bella, and while I'd give Rei-cubed props for a ship that even I've never thought of, the summary isn't giving me much hope. I mean, a magician isn't even mentioned.
...Let's do this before I change my mind and go back to re-playing the This Day Aria for the tenth time.
AN: Although my name is Reireirei-chan, that doesn't mean all I like is Eva! I like Twilight too!
I'm guessing Rei is a character in EVA. You couldn't have just stuck with that fandom, could you? You had to turn to Twilight...
You should read my other fic, After Third Impact, when you're done with this.
Edward Cullen walked through the halls. He was known for having a perfect alabaster face and a charm that made every female swoon.
Huzzah, this fic doesn't waste any time getting to the point. /o/
He loved his one and only, Isabella, but she was in contention!
CONTENTION, PEOPLE. CONTENTION.
A werewolf named Jacob wanted her too, and this Edward could not put up with! He was mad!
Hey, Smeyer? You spent three books getting this point across. A badfic author just managed to do it in a single paragraph. Just saying.
"Bella, my love!" pronounced Edward. "Jacob cannot have you!"
Dude are they on a stage or something? This is the most random way to begin a conversation. That said, I would love it if this is taking place someplace super mundane like a bus stop or a cafeteria or something. I imagine them standing on tables.
"I know!" I said back to him,
Whoa, wait! This is first person?! Did anyone get the impression from the last paragraphs that this was first person? Anyone? Because I didn't.
loving him with every inch of my being.
Does that mean what I think it means? UNF. (Guys, guys, you're at a bus stop cafeteria in my head. Go love him with every inch of your being at home. In private.)
He wrapped his all-encircling arms around me and kissed me, being careful not to suck my blood, because he always wanted to do that.
And still no card games in sight. Are we sure this is a Yugioh cross-over?
I was very scared that he wanted to suck my blood, but I knew he wouldn't, because he loved me! I was so happy!
Uh, how old is this writer, anyway? Is she even old enough to be an Evangelion fan? She writes like she's seven, other than that one use of "contention."
But then…Edward turned around!
GOOD LORD WHAT SUSPENSE I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL.
The students in the hall parted to allow the newcomer to come through, with scared expressions!
Ooh, maybe the newcomer is Marik or someone interesting!
"Edward Cullen, you disgusting undead vampire, this has gone too far!" pronounced Jacob Black, the werewolf!
Oh. Well, Jacob's not bad, and he sure does get the better lines here.
"No, Jacob, I know what you are about to say!" said my love, encircling me with concerted effort.
I just imagined Edward's body turning into elastic and literally encircling Bella like a snake. Look, I even drew a terrible MS paint drawing of it!
"You want my love, but she shall never be yours!"
I'd personally just ask Bella what she wanted, but then again I've always considered significant others to be equals, not possessions.
"Edward, you're going to kill her and drink her blood and make her just like her!"
Jacob has a point. I'm on his side. Plus he has fabulous hair and doesn't turn into a snake and encircle people.
"No!" Edward stood up with vigor and spread his hands. A rush of air filled the room, causing his long coat to billow up behind him.
Edward somehow gained magical airbending abilities and a coat. Crap, does this mean I have to edit my drawing? Ughh. Fine.
He pointed at Jacob and spread his hands. "Jacob Black, it is you who has gone too far! I, Edward Cullen, challenge you to a Duel!"
Fuck.
A hush fell over the crowd. They gasped. Then, as one body, everyone ran with Edward and Jacob to the Duel Chamber by the gymnasium.
I'm very jealous of these people for having a duel chamber. =| Also I guess I need to make another edit.
Okay, he's a snake, an airbender, a coat-wearer, and a duelist. Have I left anything out?
Jacob and Edward got on the platforms on the different sides of the gym!
Oh, I guess this is before the era of duel disks. Meh, I'm leaving it in, I'm not sure how I'd add an actual dueling arena to that drawing.
They shuffled their decks, and the cards seemed to fly through the air!
That's...a pretty dumb way to shuffle a deck. Save tossing cards in the air for casino tricks and treat your cards with some respect. >(
Edward raised his arm, and lay down his card! "I summon the Dark Magician!"
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS YOU NEED TO MAKE A SACRIFICE FIRST YOUR IDIOT--
Well, wait. I guess if they're still in the era of duel arenas it must be during Duelist Kindgom, before the new rules came out. So playing the Dark Magician would be legal. Fine, I'll let it slide this once. *sulks*
Oh hey, is Bella going to fall in love with the DM now?
Holographic lights flashed, and the image of the Dark Magician appeared!
How about now?! C'mon Bella! Sexy magician beats emo vampire any day!
"I summon the Flame Swordsman!" screamed Jacob,
Well that's a stupid move. Unless you've got Salamandra and a Rush Recklessly hanging out in your hand.
his muscles bulging so much that they ripped through his shirt, displaying his bulging chest.
I'm sure we needed to know this.
The Flame Swordsman appeared!
Yes that usually happens when you play a card. Also, that's your whole turn? Really? Nothing else?
Edward gestured to the sky: "I activate—The Cosmos of Doom!"
That card doesn't even exist! And if you're trying to activate Macro Cosmos, that card wasn't created until after DK!
"I've never heard of that card,
Thank you, Jacob.
nosferatu (that means vampire)!" retorted Jacob.
Um...I don't think that's exactly how the name Nosferatu works.
"My Vampire Deck is unstoppable!" retorted Edward.
So far you've played a spellcaster and a key card for Different Dimension decks. I haven't seen any vampires at all. Which is dumb because there actually are vampire cards, including Vampire Lord, which Kaiba actually had in his deck in the Noa arc. Which, fun fact for any Edenverse readers, was where I originally got the idea for that fic's vampire lords! =D
"Seto Kaiba himself imparted that card to me!"
SEE. If he'd played Vampire Lord this whole thing would actually make sense! Instead he played Dark Magician which only Yugi used and a card that was never used in the Yugioh DM anime.
Is anyone sick of me geeking out yet?
"What? That's impossible!"
Once again Jacob speaks the truth.
"There is so much you do not understand, werewolf!" screamed my love, his coat flying behind him.
You know you could just attack him. It isn't like he's played any trap cards.
"I have placed my faith in love, and friendship, and most important of all, I have placed my faith in the heart of the cards!"
Good gods, I'm going to have to eat a lot of chocolate to manage to forget the mental image of Edward Cullen claiming to have faith in the heart of the cards. My childhood, why has it been marred this way? ;___;
"NO!"
"The Cosmos of Doom has activated!" yelled Edward. A whirling death vortex appeared!
"The Cosmos of Doom has activated!" yelled Edward. A whirling death vortex appeared!
This is not how Macro Cosmos works guize.
"Dark Magician! Attack his life points directly!" The Magician leapt into the air and struck! Jacob's eyes bulged with hatred and fury!
Okay so instead of Cosmos of Doom/Macro Cosmos we're all going to pretend that Edward played Raigeki so that I can stop clawing at my eyes from the frustration of seeing cards played wrong, okay? Okay.
"Edward Cullen! Take this! I activate—Polymerization!"
You can't actually do that during your opponents turn...well, in DK you could. I'll let it go. I'm letting it go. I'm being very zen...
The Flame Swordsman multiplied and destroyed the Dark Magician!
THAT'S NOT POLYMERIZATION, THAT'S MULTIPLY AND IT DOESN'T WORK ON HIGH LEVEL MONSTERS AND EVEN IF IT DID IT WOULDN'T DESTROY THE DARK MAGICIAN BECAUSE EVEN A THOUSAND 1800 POINT MONSTERS WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN 2500 SDKFHADKFHAKLGFALGBFVAIVAIDFAIOHAI;G;Iewfisbdjk:.
Welp, there go my eyes.
"That's right," said Jacob, "we forest dwellers will destroy you unclean bloodsuckers!"
Jacob you haven't played a single forest monster. You played a fire-type monster. Which is what destroyed forest monsters if you ever played the Sacred Cards or Reshef video games. So you're not a very good forest dweller. AND THE DARK MAGICIAN IS NOT A VAMPIRE.
"But THAT ISN'T TRUE!" I ACTIVATE—EMMETT CULLEN!
...
As the whirlwind of light grew, he said, "Yes, Jacob! We Cullens have our own cards!"
FUCK YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU. MIND CRUSHES FOR EVERYONE. Except Jacob.
And then Emmett appeared and gave Jacob the old one-two!
Luckily I have no more eyes to scratch out at this point.
Then Edward picked me up and carried me off to our honeymoon!
And Puzzle went to go drown her sorrows in chocolate soymilk. THE END.