PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:18:13 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 25 -- originally snarked 10/19/09
And this chapter contains ARMS. THAT'S RIGHT. ARMS! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Ehehehe, this becomes even funnier when you think of how Edward's "meat" gets cockblocked in this chapter. xD
...This is news to me. I thought the story was about how she replaced Bella with her Mary Sue OC and is living out the books herself. Now it's a statement on religious transformation?
But...but I like hats. D=
*grabs a 2x4 with nails sticking out one end and proceeds to bash your homophobic head in* My gods, I'm not even through the opening author's notes and I'm already getting violent.
You don't have any good Christian readers. Because anybody who agrees with your religion is certainly not Christian.
So here's how bad her spelling is. Remember chapter 9? The one titled: "What happends because of bertrail?" Well, I only just recently realized (and was reminded by this sentence) that it's supposed to say "betrayal." All this time I haven't understood that title because I thought it literally meant some person named Bertrail. And I never understood why Bertrail wasn't in the chapter. So yeah. Wow. It takes a special kind of stupidity to confuse me that much.
How do you know that's why he was upset? Are you sure that leaving him behind to be torched some more by the bad vampires while you ran away to hide isn't what he's actually angry about? Also: complimenting/contemplating before marriage. DON'T DO IT.
No, actually he's just having fun cockblocking you. Also, if letting Santa into your life is bad, I don't want to be good.
Hon, if you're any sort of Christian, you're definitely a "bed" one, that's for sure. Where's that "kneeling nun" demotivator? It reminds me of that.
I swear I read this as "went to the couch." I was like, "what, Jacob's penis counts as holy now or something?" This is why it's bad (or possibly good) to snark while you're still half-asleep and sick.
Isn't like...the whole Earth God's house, though? Why do you have to go to a little building to meet God when, assuming he did create everything, the entire Earth ought to be his home?
I thought you weren't supposed to know who the priest is and visa versa? Isn't the whole confession thing supposed to be entirely anonymous? Her tears are flurrying now. She would make an excellent sprinkler system.
Because, compared to something like murder, (which, have I pointed out recently, Edward did! He killed his brother! But having sex before marriage is a worse sin that warrants all this angst?) that's really bad. Or something.
*snorts* Yeah, because you got cockblocked. Not by any force of your own will. And how does he know Edward was involved? Didn't I just say something about it being anonymous?!
Wrong. You left Edward at your house and came to church with Jacob, remember?
*cue Puzzle going to vomit from the stupidity of this*
You both just said sorry for trying to get it on before someone gets a ring on their finger, you didn't get baptized for fuck's sake. Then again, as someone who likes to celebrate anytime I can, I guess I can see their point. (Shit, did I just agree with Erin/Joan? I really AM sick!)
...Banished? Like from the club? The Super Sekret Ultra Kewl Club of Not-Actually-Christian Mary Sues or something?
And once again here we have a bunch of boring, stupid prose that is so passive that it makes ME look confrontational.
Well, with the way you're never telling him where you're going, what else can he do but call you and tell you to get home? If you ever made plans maybe he'd let you stay.
Moar redundancy.
Okay, so we've got fire fighter, mayor, factory worker, lawyer, and now a contractor/construction worker. Huh. Also, I saw the plot twist coming the second I read this line.
It was a giant detonator, with a sticker saying "from the Not Nice People," set to go off and blow Joan to smithereens in 3...2...1...!
NOT THEIR ARMS! NOOOOO! THE HORROR! ARMS! GAH! LOOK AWAY!
No, I don't trust you. Especially because I know that next chapter won't be exciting at all due to how much you suck at writing, but even if I didn't know that...I still wouldn't trust you.
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:28:31 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 26 -- originally snarked 10/23/09 In which we finally get "proof" that Hugo is an alcoholic, but it's so horribly done that I find myself convinced I can't trust Joan and that Hugo is really a good dad who needs a well-deserved hug from Brian ;3. This may be the second chapter title she's managed to spell correctly. She's sad that the chapter is exsighting? That makes me sad too, but for different reasons. She can spell "concerned" right, but not "make?" I call troll. Again. Alright, I know you were excited over your victory with spelling "concerned" correctly above Erin, but you can't let that excitement get to you. It causes wallbanger moments like this. Victor and Joms...so, are they Victoria and James' evil twins? And, introducing the all new iYell! I don't know what it does yet, but I bet it's shiny! THIS IS A COP OUT. A COP. FUCKING. OUT. Also, when I read this bit, all I see is "cuckolded." As in, Edward is the husband of an unfaithful wife. *snickers* You suck at writing forever and ever times infinity squared. And that's all I have to say about that. Because the mussels were just getting too cliche... No duh, don't you know what vampires can't cross running water? There's no way they'd risk getting stuck inside a coiled up hose! (Anyone besides me think that would be kind of awesome? Defeating vampires with a coiled, running hose? No?) Wait, it's morning? No fail!porn from that night? I'm almost disappointed. We're scarred too. Shaking up with Edward, yes you were indeed. There are some very well-placed typos in this chapter. Anyone remember her asking if she could stay over at Edward's? Anyone? Because I don't. Sounds like a typical parent's reaction to their daughter going missing all night. Yellowed? Really? Not purpled? Or greened? Because it's totes okay to be a jerk to people who aren't Christian, of course. Look, I live with an alcoholic. On one hand, I can understand the whole "I can't take it, I'm going to snap and yell back" mentality. But so far, in 26 chapters, this is the first actual scene of him being drunk. So really, I can't even take this as canon. And therefore, I just see Joan as being a total bitch right now. Her father HAS tried to talk to her in earlier chapters, and she refused to acknowledge him. So I really have no sympathy for her at all. All my sympathy goes to her poor, long-suffering dad, who must truly be a saint if he hasn't shipped her bitch ass off to boarding school in Finland yet. You were asking for it, bitch. His...finger...was drunk? Seriously?HOLY SHIT. You were breathing?! REALLY? OMG. 1. You've been a jerk to your father who, before this chapter rolled around, was a completely nice guy. (I think he still is. I'm pretty sure she's lying about him being drunk.) 2. You're a jerk to anyone who you deem non-Christian or not hot enough. 3. You're a slut who judges people based on how wet your panties get when you see them. 4. You're a homophobe. 5. You've broken almost, if not every, single commandment. 6. You've exhibited every single deadly sin. 7. You don't respect your friends, saying things like that your friends "owe" you. 8. You judge people constantly. 9. You're the most un-Christian Christian I've ever met. 10. You left Jacob to be torched by the "bad" vampires and apparently didn't give a flying fuck about him even though he's your friend. 11. You perpetuate and uphold the most offensive stereotypes possible. 12. You make sweeping, often offensive, generalizations about complete strangers. I can go on, I've got a million of these. Seriously, I'm getting the mental image from Spongebob of when Spongebob was crying so hard that he started to cry like a sprinkler system. Because your back-talking, lying, disrespect, and failure to tell him where his sixteen-year-old daughter is had nothing to do with it. I TOLD you not to wear so much make-up! See, now it's smudged! 13. You're a materialistic bitch who only cares about how you look on the outside... AKA Jacob, for those just joining us. I'm convinced that they share a body, and, because I'm a selfcest shipper, I now ship them. I'm not sure what to make of the "bug smil," but the rest of this paragraph makes Jacob seem like a nice fellow. And yet you still think Edward is your one true love. Idiot. Jacob's Native American. Not Mexican. If you're going to insult a race, get it right. Also, how frickin loud was it that he heard what he was yelling?! Unless Jacob was like...waiting outside her open window or something. Stalking: It's how you know a boy likes you. You don't know what it's like to live with an alcoholic at all. Period. Full stop. And go fuck yourself while you're at it, I'm not in the mood for your Mary Sue psuedo-angst. Because being a Christian automatically makes you a good person, of course. Even though it was sarcasm, I feel like I need to go scrub my hands with bleach after writing that. >.< So we can sum this up as: "ILU kthnx bai." And I will sum it up as: "lolwut?" Seriously, didn't we already know this like six chapters ago? And didn't Joan know it like...I don't even know how many chapters ago? O.o Whoa. I didn't even know it was possible for her to connect the words "love" and "friends." Color me impressed. For about two seconds, anyway. Oh, woe! People love me! It totally sucks to be loved! Angst! Sadness! Violin music! God: "Hello, police? Yeah, there's this weird girl stalking me, saying she loves me. And she's doing all these creepy things to "prove" that she loves me. Please, get her away from me! She's freaking me out!" The whole line about bed could have been left out entirely, though I was vaguely amused by a mental image of Joan being smothered in tires that we all throw at her. I won't even bother to ask how he got up to the second story window. I don't really want to know. Beans'll do that to you. So...wait, what? She was in her room all day? It felt like maybe an hour at the most. Also, I'm just sitting here shaking my head at the sudden introduction of Youth Group. It's like she's trying to turn this into some sort of Fundamentalist propaganda or something. She can't even go to school? I don't even want to know how Edward is raping his own arm. Much less how that arm is being raped around her. I'm getting tentacle porn images in my head. OH GODS, GET THEM OUT. I participated in a Youth Group once, and not everyone in it was Christian. So I'm left to wonder if this is specifically a Christian YG, or if only the "good Christian ppl" in it cared. Hehehe, otter Christians. Those sound kinda cute. x3 Her tears had enough and finally quit. ...I thought you were grounded. And hon, it's called an orgasm. I'm pretty sure you've had them before based on how often you're fapping to Eddikins. Until next week at the latest though. And having Edward stay there isn't exactly staying there by yourself, now is it? (Ah ha! Now we know, she's a born-again Christian. I knew it.) ...If Urban Dictionary's definition of "heg" is to be believed, I'm really, REALLY disturbed by you right now. (Don't click the link if you're squeamish about vomit. Trust me.) Because that's really safe. What if you slipped and fell and busted your head open? Then what? You'd die! ...Oh wait. Leave the door locked, by all means! This could be taken so many ways. In her bad? You know what's kind of awesome? I totally saw the "bubbles" as the Jaws theme in my head just now. It made the end of this chapter so much lulzier. His name is Robert. Not Edward. Poor, poor Rob. He needs a hug too. Not from Brian though, Brian's busy hugging Hugo. I'll give Rob a hug instead. ANYWAY, WHATEVER, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT NEXT CHAPTER WE GET TO MEET BRIAN! =D Squee!!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 8:33:45 GMT -8
Can't wait to see the next chapter. For next chapter has BRIAN ! xD
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 8:45:02 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 27 -- originally snarked 10/24/09, also known as the glorious day that I met the fabulous Brian Hahnel! That's right! Brian makes his appearance in this one! And Hugo does too! And they're both awesome! I can't wait! Holy shit on a Triscuit. She spelled that right. I'm scared. D= ...Since when did any of us try to make her worship the Devil? I don't remember that being in anybody's list of requests. He was going to turn you into a dwelling? Edward, get out of the way, I want to see Joan get turned into a hut. xD Either Joan's dad turned into her boyfriend, (um, ew?) or Edward is looking stoned. Honestly, this is all so boring I can't think of anything funny to say. But don't worry, because it's about to get awesome! GO HUGO! =DDD YOU ARE AWESOMESAUCE ON AWESOMETOAST, MY FRIEND. Using the door is sooooo last week. ...In the middle of the night? And then I once again died of boredom. You know, I think she's making this boring on purpose to try to get me (or us, but I say me specifically because I don't know if anyone finds the recent chapters as boring as I do) to stop snarking it. But never fear, because things are gonna get awesome again real soon. D'aww. I've always wanted someone who would weigh themselves for me. How romantic. Yay cherries! Wait. What? I'm seriously trying not to fall asleep here. Erin, get to the good part! Now! Let's go! EEEEEE, THE AWESOMENESS HAS LANDED. BRIAN! IT'S BRIAN! HI BRIAN! =DD I'm sorry I didn't greet you this enthusiastically when I first snarked this. I didn't realize how cool you were yet. I know that's how you roll, though, looking all innocent and harmless when we all know you're a badass. (As a side note, Oh look, the mussels are back. And once again she insists on using an offensive racial slur. BUT WHO CARES, BRIAN'S HERE.) Ten bucks says that Joan hits on him because he's "sexah." "Because if I dare to agree, Edward will beat me up later. He does it because he luuuuuvs me!" No, you're not Erni. You're Erin, someone who can't write with a darn and who fails spectacularly at this whole "this isn't a self-insert fic" charade. If you've ever actually been polite for the sake of being nice, I'll eat my hat. The one that you say is bad. What happened to Pinky? (And where did Brian go? Who is this Brain fellow?) "Yay, you're automatically a good person! Let us throw a big party where we can sit around and judge all the sinnars the entire time!" (Don't worry, it's just a trap. Brian's way too awesome to be put on any kind of level with Joan. I'm spoiling this because I feel kind of bad about assuming the wrong thing about Brian when I first met him.) Does anyone actually give a fig about if her boyfriend is Christian or not? I swear, she's really pushing it at this point. DUH, Brian is. I did suggest that we ship Brian and Emmett just so that they don't fall for Joan, but changed my mind later. Brian/Hugo all the way~ "Just two seconds ago when our God-forsaken creator decided she needed another hot guy to drool over her self-insert Mary Sue." CANADA IS A FUCKING COUNTRY."I can't remember, but I think I want to move back now," he replied, nervously and scaredly and terrifiedly. ( And because I'm here to reclaim my one true love and ruin your life, he thought with a grin.) No, not okay. How hot someone is doesn't matter if you actually love them, and it shouldn't factor into whether or not someone is a better choice. Full stop. (Also, Brian's hotter than Edward. He's a gay pyro. He totally wins in hotness.) EDWARD IS A SOOTHSAYER. That's one possibility. Another ten bucks says that Edward is just a jealous asshole. You can tell if he's telling the truth, but not why? What the hell kind of half-rate soothsayer ARE you? I want to stab you in the eyes with a spoon right now. Really. So much that I'm about to go get a spoon and try stabbing you through the screen. Translation: He's hiding someplace, spying on Joan, because he's a stalker and that's what they do. I don't even want to know how one SMELLS erotic. KILL HER NOW BRIAN, WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE! You reinforce or fastened something with a wale or wales? Is that what the kids are doing for fun these days? Due to the fact that we didn't get told how much time passed between them abandoning Jacob and being at school, we have to take this as fact. If, as I assumed, they went to school the day after abandoning poor ole' Jake, they've been together...like two weeks. Till the day I die, I will never understand why bitchy Mary Sues are so popular with the fellas. Anyway, Brian's just luring her into a false sense of security, waiting until the perfect moment to attack. And that perfect moment is right about... Now.No, I think your chatter sucks. But I'm willing to let it slide this once whilst I'm in the throes of a fangirl squee attack.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 9:47:58 GMT -8
^YAY Brian ! Also, is that Anthony from Smosh that I saw in here ? ^_^'
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 11:01:23 GMT -8
^I'm not sure? xD Which gif are you referring to? I tend to collect reaction gifs without always knowing who the people in them are. ^^;;
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 11:22:55 GMT -8
Er, this one. I'm not sure it's him, though. But yeah, if you don't know who it is, then you won't be able to answer x) Whatever… I love your snarks ! The only thing that's missing here is slash, but that is for next chapter, right ? With the kinky Brugo scene ! ;D
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 11:29:58 GMT -8
^ I don't think that's him. I got that gif off of Tumblr and the tags said that it was someone from The Hunger Games, possibly Gale Hawthorne/Joey Graceffa, because both of those names were listed in the tags. I just thought it was a cute gif. x3
That's right! The handycuffs scene is next chapter! Gonna start putting that snark up any minute now. x3
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 12:04:54 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 28 -- originally snarked 10/25/09 This one's even MORE exciting than the last, because this is where Brian/Hugo becomes canon~~ You know, they really saved this whole thing. I was losing interest in Erin and growing bored until they showed up. It's amusing to look back on this snark now. I was just being a silly slash addict when I came up with the “handycuffs” exchange. I had no idea my innocent slash-fangirl comment would end up sparking the Brugo Revolution. xDD (Also, like last chapter, I did some noticeable changes between this version and the original snark...this one appeals to the fangirl in me more.) I'm honestly not sure how this title relates to the chapter at all. Unless she's referring to Brian and Hugo's secret relationship? But um, yeah, there it is. So much for ignoring the "sinnars." Also, feel free to hold off on updates for about a month. NaNo takes precedent over your crapfic, (And no, the amusement of how my novel written in only 30 days will still be 100x better than this fic is not lost on me.) but I feel like after snarking this thing for this long, I really should see it to the end. (Note from the future: ERIN, I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID. PLEASE UPDATE AGAIN. PLEASE, I WANT SOME LULZ.) Yeah, we know, the poor exclamation points and ones are still trying to recover from the last time you told us. I hope he isn't too, because if he's seriously IN the hose, he's probably dead. >.> *goes to find that spoon I wanted to stab you in the eye with last chapter* NO BITCH, MY NAME IS BRIAN. ...It never occurred to you to call the firefighters yourself? Carlisle's meat was at the door?! D8 Gods man, you're as bad as the pope and his popestick! Hehehe, assed. That typo just never gets old. 1. Fire fighter 2. Mayor 3. Factory worker 4. Lawyer 5. Construction worker 6. Hospital employee God damn Hugo, you're so amazing. *3* Because fighting about God is definitely happy fun timez. Wait, why are Becca and Jenny at the Cullens? I guess because they're both dating someone or something? I can't even remember, last time I checked, Jenny was with Jacob, but I guess she's with Emmett now or something. IDEK. It's not? Then why are you so upset about it? Whoa, wait. WHAT?! Let us focus on the great visuals here: 1. Her tears are somehow solid enough now for them to be plucked. Can I just say, owch? 2. His hands are raping her erotically. I'm not even going there. 3. She gave him something called a seductive eye. Does she keep a collection of eyes and is giving him one? Is it a trading card called Seductive Eye? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW. So they're going to build a house that looks just like your old house, with stuff in it that looks just like your old stuff...in a day. A single day. Less than a day, actually. Right. Okay then. ...Erin, are you quite sure the alcohol isn't all gone because you drank it all before writing this? Yeah, like he has this secret code name he uses with people! It's "Brian!" ...Oh wait. So did her dad come home and see the house or what? For gods sakes' Erin, give us something to work with here. It's about time he was unsexy at something. I mean seriously. ...So he didn't even answer her? HOLY SHIT. JOAN IS ACTUALLY JAMES. SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME PLOT TWIST. Well, it would be nice if that's what it was, anyway. (Hi Brian! Can I came to one of you and Hugo's cook-outs sometime? I'm vegetarian so you don't have to BBQ anything for me. I’ll bring chips and we could play yard bocce. You know, if you wanted. It’s okay if you don’t. I just thought I’d ask…I know, so silly of me, huh? Well anyway…let me know. *squeaks and runs away*) Yeah, it got built in one day. Really, one day. That's it. Really. No, really. No, it's not God, it's his spokesperson. God himself has no desire to be anyplace near Joan. Unless Joan's dad is suddenly blind, he's going to notice that his house suddenly looks "cuter." And how, pray tell, does one make a house cuter, anyway? Paint bunnies on it or something? Oh man, oh man, here comes The Scene! IS YOURS? Kinky. I like it. Hurhurhurr Hugo: "Now sweetie, relax. This is Brian. It's totally legal, he's not 16, just a very young-looking 32." Joan: "YOU'RE SINNARS!" Brian: "Save it for someone who cares, bitch." *takes Hugo's hand* "Shall we go, Smithy?" Hugo: "You remember my old nickname!" <3 Brian: "Of course I do~" <3 Joan: "SINNARS! SINNARS!!!!!!!1111!1!1SIN!!!1!" Brian and Hugo: *skip away* ...Apparently it's a role-play of some sort? Take note of her words here. Not "imposter." Not "weirdo." Not "freak." No, she goes for "fake Christian." Huh... Because it makes perfect sense for the FBI to burn down the house of a suspected drug dealer, especially with all the evidence inside. Of course. Only Joan would fall for something like that. FUCK YES. /o/ CROWNING MOMENT OF AWESOME HAS JUST BEEN ACHIEVED. Also, let us take a moment to enjoy one of my favorite jokes. Ahem. "A man walks into a bar... ...it hurt." "BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING GOT MY NAME RIGHT. THAT GETS REALLY ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?!" THIS CHAPTER. I LOVE THIS CHAPTER. EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURTS. *whispering* "And when we get to 'jail,' I get to 'punish' you for being so naughty." ;DDD And they took the period with them. I'm not sure what to make of this. Is Erin seriously mad? Is her own father a drunk? Or is she just trying to angst crap up again? If her own father is an alcoholic I'll be forced to sympathize with her, and that will be painful. BUT AGAIN, SERIOUSLY, WHO CARES, BECAUSE BRIAN AND HUGO BECAME CANON HERE. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. =DDDD
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 12:49:26 GMT -8
Actually, I think Meyerpires could rebuild a house in a day. They're freakishly fast and strong, after all. Although I'm not sure where the material would come from.
But yeah. Brugo is canon. Chapter is pure win. ^_^ (and no, I have nothing better to do with my life than answer every one of your old snarks xD)
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 12:54:09 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 29 -- originally snarked 10/28/09
Wait, school is almost finished? Before what, winter break or something? I'm just confused. Must be a NZ thing. (Okay, my dumb American self was corrected on this. They have summer holidays when we have winter holidays. Cool, I got it.)
Because you know, stuff like actually ASKING his family first if she can move in just isn't done. That would mean actually being polite and considerate. (I guess we should be grateful that she didn't ask Edward to move in with her. Just think of all the unsupervised almost-sex they would have. Because you KNOW she's going to cockblock herself until they get married.)
Did you even ASK if you could? And seriously, they have a giant mansion and not one spare room?
Whatever you have to tell yourself, hon. But honestly, if you two are "Marriage," suddenly I'm not in any hurry to have marriage rights. Really. If you guys are what a married couple is supposed to be like, I'll pass.
I'm happy that this chapter is so short, because it's a snooze-fest so far.
Yeah right. The minute you move in with Edward you're going to forget all about your poor Dad. Then again, he's not really in jail, he just got taken to "jail" by Brian because that was part of the game. I bet he's actually quite happy where he is right now. If you know what I mean. ;3
Oh look, her tears came back. God, more raping arms! D8 Those will never stop being horrifying!
"I'm tacking you into bed so that when I start the fire, there's no way you'll be able to escape!" D<
Um, I hate to be the one breaking this to you, but making a good impression really isn't going to make a difference at this point. Then again, Brian DID burn down the house with all the evidence in it, so maybe your dad has already been released into Brian's caring (not raping) arms. ;3 No, I'm never letting this BrianxErin's Dad thing go. Ever.
And the car went sailing straight into a tree and caught fire! Joan burned to death while Edward escaped and immediately thanked God that he was finally rid of the crazy stalker.
So you can actually make things be un-shot? I'm impressed.
It WAS a very short chapter indeed, but then chapter 30 in all it's crazy revenge glory more than makes up for it. >D
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 12:58:45 GMT -8
I KEEP ACCIDENTALLY NINJA-ING YOU, TALYS. I'M SORRY!! D= I'm starting to feel bad about that. ^^;
You have a good point though, if they had the supplies on hand there's the possibility that they could rebuild a simple house in a single day. The Mythbusters were able to do it. I'm more concerned about where they would get the stuff like furniture and paintings and kitchen appliances and whatnot to furnish it properly in a day. Also, hooking up the electric and plumbing, that's got to take awhile too. (Why am I trying to interject logic into the Brewdening? Why? My brain is obviously dead.)
Aww, well, I like your answers. =DD Snarking is more fun when people respond to them. ^__^
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 13:56:41 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 30 -- originally snarked 10/28/09 *cackles* DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN! Hey, the peephole wasn't doing anything wrong. Don't blame it for your problems. D< Jasper, you might notice, wasn't. That's because he's on our side. Brian and Hugo are, too. HATERS GONNA HATEEEEEEEE. No, really, raise your hand if this paragraph made you glee. I mean look at it! Not only are we awesome bloodsucking vampires, but we get to hang out with James and Victoria, AND apparently we're actually demons disguised as vampires or something. Two badass mythical creatures in one. Fuck yes. I mean, being zombies in chapter 17 was cool, but this is even better. But apparently you can't spell them... Roll call! For those just joining us, those would be Skeksis, Phoenix (she MIGHT mean BlackFireBird, but considering how much she hates Phoenix I'm going to assume that's who she meant.), Echo Five Seven whose screenname is apparently too complicated for her to type out, me (her "z" key has obviously jumped ship), Cager, and AntiSpectraitor. All of whom poked fun at her story at some point and who she decided to place on a Not Nice People list. ...The only way I can think of to respond to this is with an Invader Zim quote. "There's all kinds of things wrong with what you just said." That's the best you can do, Erin? Really? RAAAAAAAGE, IN THE NAME OF MY JEWISH FRIENDS. D< How, pray tell, is hair "fizzy?" Skeksis is right though, she can't be a Christina. She's Joan. And she's not old enough to change her name legally. And here's me! I also apparently condone the throwing of small, red vegetables. Wait, are we worshiping Santa or Satan? I'm confused now, I just managed to get all the reindeer hooked up to our Sled of Doom, and now I'm being told I was supposed to be harnessing hellhounds instead and the reindeer are not going to be happy with this since their union clearly states that they have to work at least one night a year...and the hellhounds are going to be pissed about having to work on their day off, too. Why thank you Halohead and Anti. We shall put them to good use. So it was around this point that I figured out that she's basing her looks of us on our icons. Like she says Skeksis looks "Jewish," probably because her icon has someone with dark hair and the girl in her sig (who, it turned out, was her) has curly hair and, if we know one thing about Erin, it's that sweeping, racist generalizations are the only way she can make a point. I've got fangs (Yami has a visible fang in my sig) and spiky hair (Well, my icon is Yami with his spiky hair.) Cager's description is a little harder to figure out...she might have just made that one up. =/ Halohead is described as looking just like his icon, and Anti...I thought at first that she was getting her and Time Lord confused, but now I think she's mistaking Anti's avatar's fingers for being big claws. LOLWUT?! Demons are wicked hot. Much hotter than vampires. *nods sagely* Didn't I mention something about demons being hot? Yep, I'm pretty sure I did. I suppose I could make a point that beauty is only skin deep, and how shallow it is to base this whole thing on looks, but I don't think it would actually get through to her. This one, however, is not based on an icon, but merely on the fact that Erin is convinced that Phoenix is some old woman. *clears throat* Bow down... Bow down... Before the power of Santa! Or be crushed... Be crushed... By his jolly boots of DOOM!!!No idea who Ford is, but I totally ship him and Edward now. Slash goggles make everything so much better. Shouting our guns? Why don't we just fire them? Though I suppose running around shouting PEW PEW PEW would be sort of fun. That's right bitch. Don't fuck with Santa. This is great, you know? We're awesome, we're winning the fight, we get to party with the evil vampires in their Canadian summer home... Aw bugger. She's going to completely ruin our fun. =( *Demon!Puzzle's eyes catch fire* I SO didn't want to see that, not even in fictional form! A swear? Golly! How terrible! I'm not even touching the bit about sticks hitting each other. Nope. Not going there. And then, because Phoenix is a phoenix, she was promptly reborn, only young and hot now, and Joan cried, "noooo! Now I'm not the hottest person anymore!" and then everyone was all, "wait, if you're not hot, then why are we hanging out with you? Your personality fails." So they put Joan into the cage to be burned, and then Phoenix turned back into herself, and everyone learned a lesson and the other characters got new stories where they would actually develop and all the snarkers got back on the good ship Snark and sailed away to another adventure. The end. ='3 I'm pretty sure all the ensuing "raping" is supposed to be "wrapping," like with rope...but it's still fucked up to read it. Whoa, HaloHead's a cyclops? Awesomeeeee. ... D:Oh hell no. D< This is just wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong. PUBLIC INDECENCY! Yeah, yeah, you said that back in chapter 17, too, but here we were, back again. Betcha we come back at some point after this, too. Because in the world of Brewdening Love, grabbing ass is fine as long as it's "happi." "Santa wasn't destroyed, Santa lives on…In space! Gathering power! And every Christmas he returns to Earth, and that's why we all live in this protective dome!" 8D Who knew that I could make three references to Invader Zim, two from a single episode, in one snark? Someone better call a whaaaaaaaaambulance. She's reverting into immature insults again. Erin, what part of "I'm an asexual lesbian" are you not understanding? I keep pointing it out, expecting some extra hatred or something for all my efforts, and all I get is "you'll never have a hot boyfriend!" I don't want a hot boyfriend, especially not an abusive asshat like Edward. Pick a new insult! This one is getting boring!
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:06:08 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 31 -- originally snarked 10/30/09 After the lulz of chapter 30, 31 was kind of blah. Still, there are a few gems to be found here... Supplies is honestly what I get first out of this title, but that doesn't make any sense. Maybe it means Surprises? That sort of makes sense in context. I haven't sent you any nasty notes at all. And yet I still got a place in the revenge chapter. It must be my scintillating snarking that earned me that honor. ...I could think of several responses to this, none of which seem adequate. So I've decided to use them all. 1. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 2. The very first fanfic I ever wrote, which was so terrible that nobody shall ever lay eyes upon it, was still ten times better than this. If I don't want my name attached to a fic 10x better than yours, why would I want yours at all? 3. I hate Twilight. Why the hell would I WANT any Twilight fic, much less a crap one? 4. How many positive comments have you received overall on this story that weren't pranks? Um...like one? Maybe two? I receive anywhere between five and ten positive reviews/comments per chapter on my fics. In fact, I received that many per chapter on some of my really old, badly-written fics even. I dunno what sinnars are, but apparently a group of them is known as a "fuk." Good to know. Moving on now. "What, your dad? Forget about him. I'm on a mission! A mission...TO FINALLY GET LAID! NOTHING SHALL STOP ME!" Brb, banging my head into the wall. Um...when people make that sound it usually means they're like...dying. Shouldn't you ask him to pull over or something? Puh-leez. You could never be a warrior. Unless you defeated your enemy by whining at them. Well that's an unfortunate typo for "popped..." :? You really don't give a flying fuck on a 747 about your dad being in jail, do you? (Not that he is. In fact I'm sure that Hugo would rather not be bothered right now, if you catch my drift. ;3 But still.) You parted in the carpet? Edward charged your hand a toll? What the hell is going on here?! (Okay, yeah, I know she means that they parked in the carport and that he took her hand. But it's more fun to fake confusion.) If this story gets any more boring, I swear, I'm going to need pie to make it through it. Mmmm, pie... Well hon, he told you to order something to eat, not to eat the menu. No wonder you puked it up. Also: it's so hawt when a guy orders his girlfriend to do things! "Weighter." I C wut U did thar. Also, I could care less about what you want to eat, Erin. This story is about Joan. Also, (I sure use that word a lot), I'm not sure that there's such a thing as low-fat spaghetti. Basically you'd have to get low-fat sauce, like if it was meat sauce, have it made with low-fat meat or something. Iunno. What the hell is that? I'm not faking it this time, I really don't know WTF she's on about. Cola, maybe? While I snarked snarkingly, dying dyingly boredly of boredom, persevering on perseveringly in the name of lulz lulzingly. ...Ingly. You can't eat seductively. Or can you? I honestly don't know, this is where being asexual is a bit of a draw-back. Is it possible to eat seductively? I guess technically, if like...what you were eating is phallic-shaped? IDEK. What I do know is that it would bother the hell out of me if someone watched me eat. I'd be yelling, "STOP STARING AT ME!" within seconds. I hate it when people watch me in general, but watching me masticate and swallow and digest my food? Um, gross? Oh geez. Get a room already! You're in public for fuck's sake! You went to an expensive restaurant, and all you order is spaghetti? Really? A greedy brat like you, I'd have expected you to order anything you could. Nice to see that "you're sexy" comes before "I love you." Real good indication of the relationship right there. Attention divorce lawyers! You'll be getting a call very shortly! I'm ruminating too. On how much I wish I was eating pie right now. No, you want to fuck him. Just go ahead and say it, we all know it's true. He raped you from behind?! D8 And you're just standing there like whatevs?! His breath smells like raspberries? What the hell? If he'd just eaten raspberries, or had a raspberry flavored candy or something, that's one thing. But it just naturally smells that way? Really? Lol. Your "box." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? ...Fuck this. I'm getting pie. Kay, I'm back. Om nom nom. Nope, even under the influence of sugar, I can't bring myself to be impressed at all with this. O hai troll. There is no effing way you could have possibly missed that you wrote your name in there, therefore it must have been on purpose. Thus, troll. And you want to know how NOT-exciting this was? I got up in the middle of it and started combing my Halloween wig. Completely randomly. I know that I'm easily distracted, but really, that's pathetic. Also, if this is good and exciting, then I'm not holding my breath for the next one to get "reely good." And yet I was able to read it. /o/
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:10:56 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 32 -- originally snarked 11/2/09 Melodramatic bitch. I never said I wanted you to die, in fact, I would NEVER say that to anyone. To me that's about the cruelest thing you can say to someone. Erin, I know you must be reading this if you know what my icon here looks like, so I'm going to make this very, very clear. 1. Stop putting words in my (our) mouths. 2. Stop making sweeping generalizations that are insulting and hurtful. 3. Stop it with the gratuitous homophobia. 4. Use spell-check and be more consistent with your plots and details. 5. Apologize for the cruel things you've said. And I promise you that not only will you have my respect, but you will have earned it legitimately, rather than by demanding it and whining. I'll even be willing to apologize for the rude things that I have said. However, until that moment, I shall continue to let my bitch flag fly with this fic. Onward and upward! Um, who likes it, aside from you? Pshhhh. You forgot to call us unloved and ugly. Tsk tsk, I think you're slipping up. Also, I am most assuredly not in manure. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, The sinners are much more fun.Is this supposed to be profound or something? I feel like this should be part of a commercial. Where will YOU be when your laxative kicks in?? You know, I have no idea why I decided to be civil to you above. You're a troll. I don't know what I was thinking. Fix'd. YOU WERE ON THE BEACH YOU IDIOT. AND PEOPLE DO NOT SMELL SEXY. Okay, on a pheromone level, yes, but if your science is as good as your spelling, I highly doubt you even know what pheromones are. ...Wait, so that's it? You didn't go out to celebrate? You didn't tell anyone? You didn't call up Jenny and Becca to tell them the big news and ask them to be bridesmaids? You didn't even kiss him in the moonlight? God, it's no wonder I get so bored snarking this sometimes, the character herself is just flat out boring! Should I even bother to ask about her dad at this point? (Nah, no need to, he's off living a happily Joan-free life with Brian now anyway.) Hot in a bad way? Is there such a thing? The only "bad" way to be hot would be like...to be on fire. Which he's already had to deal with after you abandoned the poor guy to be torched. Joan is apparently now a cyclops. Also, she's ripping off Eclipse. Seriously, I've got five bucks betting that this eventually turns into her having a hellspawn baby named JoanjennybeccaerinwardMCcharlislejacobakdf;. Or something. Five bucks, I'm telling you, on everything but the name, since there are so many different combinations of names. I thought Edward didn't sleep? And you're staying in his room, right? So didn't he see you leave? And you...went to see him...in the middle of the night? Wut? YOU BROKE INTO HIS HOUSE TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT A DREAM YOU HAD? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? You. Are. Shitting. Me. You ask him "sexah like?" In this situation? What the hell is wrong with you?! *grabs a gun and blows Joan away* Well, that's what would have happened if she showed up in my room. You had a dream. I had a dream that I was living on a train around my old high school's football field and my friend Crow from California was there, using one of the cars as a knitting room. That doesn't mean that I immediately went to find Crow and tell her that I think knitting on a train on my old high school's football field is her true calling in life. You are correct about the mistake though. Seriously, you've known the guy two months. Those are not good odds. ...I don't even know how to respond to that. Oh yeah, that's going to go over really well. "Hi Wardikins! I know I said yes last night, but now I'm saying no. Why? Well, I had this hot dream about Jacob and went to see him last night and he said I should call it off. So yeah. See ya!" As opposed to dry ones, which won't ruin your mascara, but hurt like a bitch. Actually you're in lust with two people. Which isn't really Christian either, but whatever. Flip a coin? Make them both get naked to see which one you lust after more? Have a threesome? Either she's just remembered that Edward doesn't sleep and is about to turn around and see him there in the window, or she remembered that Jenny is with Jacob and that he is therefore taken. Or maybe a third possibility that I have overlooked. That's always possible. I'm not sure what to make of this, either. >.> She's speechless? Well, so am I. I was promised an "exsighting" chapter. This was definitely not exciting, or anything remotely close to it. I am shocked and appalled right now, Erin. B|
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:18:23 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 33 -- originally snarked 11/11/09
This is technically chapter 33, but for some reason she labeled it 34. >.>
I'm in awe that she actually managed to spell that correctly.
Pics or it didn't happen.
(Backstory: A troll signed up and commented on Erin's stuff under the name of her friend Jenny. There's also a Becca troll who shows up in the real chapter 34.)
I have to admit I'm not a fan of trolling myself, so eh, I'll let this one slide. Snarking good, trolling...just not my thing.
You were walling the entire street? Can I ask why? You just decided you needed a walled street? For what reason? So many questions, so few answers.
I was about to make a 'we're a happy fam-il-y' joke but then I remembered I'd already made that joke once.
There...was a door? In the middle of the street? Well, I guess if it was a walled street I can kind of understand that. Kinda.
WILL THE REAL SLIM JENNY PLEASE STAND UP?
Whoa, Jay and Fernando have momentarily split bodies!
Fernando: "If you call me Fatnando one more time I am seriously going to choke a bitch. And by that, I mean you." Also, you're using the Lord's name in vain. You know that she would pull off that excuse if one of us said "oh my fucking god." u_u
Because people are so sexy when they're sad and confused. Or something.
Meanwhile, I got some boredom.
You barely know who you are half the time, so frankly, their distrust is reasonable.
LOLWUT. So impostor = devil worshiper now?
The love child of Victor and Victoria!
I'm pretty sure she means "fangs."
You don't know that, maybe she's nice. Go over there and let her nom you-- I mean hug you. Hugging is what I mean.
NO BITCH, MY NAME IS EDWARD. (This is the second time I've used this joke. xD)
...Um, this was so badly worded, I swear, it makes it sound like he was having sex with her, she came, he pulled out and went over and started having sex with Victoria/Fake Jenny. Yeah. These mental images, they will never leave my head, ever.
Hey, so wait, if Jenny is with Fernando and Jay thinks Jenny is with him, isn't this going to cause some "So, wanna explain this?" moments later on? Unless Jay and Fernando morph back into one person again, of course.
There are so many things wrong with that statement. Seriously. Pass the brain bleach please.
Because when a guy beats me up it definitely makes me want to go away peacefully. Yeah.
No mega cunt punch from Jesus? Looks like she still hates us more than she hates the fake Jenny. Also, this makes it sound like they're going to come rape her next.
Emphasis mine. IT'S A TRAP. EDWARD IS VICTORIA IN DISGUISE!
You live at their house now in his room, so wouldn't it be HIS window? Or did you already forget that you moved?
You ass every guy you see. You're like the embodiment of lust.
According to Urban Dictionary, codded means "to have testicles." (as in, "he was heavily codded.") So...if Edward is now a "she," does that mean that Joan is now a he? Come to think of it, that might explain that "hard" comment later on this chapter. >.>
Being sexy together and wearing the same clothes isn't going to impress anyone. Unless the judge likes cross-dressers, because you know someone is cross-dressing here.
DNW MENTAL IMAGE KTHNX.
Let him go homo? Um...your dad is with Brian right now. You do the math.
Not really impressed. You can buy a gold necklace fairly cheap these days.
Brb, vomiting.
If he had been hot however, she would have instantly liked him and forgiven him for anything and you know it.
And I'd also like fries and a milkshake with that. THIS IS NOT HOW GETTING SOMEONE OUT OF JAIL WORKS YOU CRAZY PERSON.
This is a perfectly reasonable response.
I swear I read this as "he is indecent." Well, he and Brian were kind of taking their little policeman role-play all over town, so I guess I can see that. Best to keep these things at home, guys.
You have what is possibly the most repulsive personality ever, you know that?
At least she's using the word "said" without adding any other words to it.
Well, there went that point. Also: "Because he's not here. Some fellow named Brian already paid his bail and they left together."
"AND NOBODY CHEATS AT THE GAME OF LIFE WITH ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. D<"
I'm still so boredom. Although I'm having fun making BrianxMr.Smith jokes. <3
For tax evasion? Seriously?
AH HA! I knew there had to be something with that "codded" thing. Yup, Joan has once again genderbent.
Is it possible for a building to sin? Just goes to show how much of a go-to word "sinner" is for her.
WAIT A SECOND. I just remembered that last chapter ended with Joan at Jacob's house, remembering something suddenly. Where the hell does this chapter come in then?! I feel so sorry for Jake, any plot involving him invariably gets side-tracked.
Don't worry, he already rescued Mr. Smith. But getting arrested for tax evasion really takes it out of you, so while Mr. Smith slept safely at Brian's house, Brian slipped out to satisfy his desire to set things on fire, starting with the building that the annoying Mary Sue was in. Because Brian is seven kinds of awesome, and because he's the FBI and he can.
The random "p" makes it more festive!
I honestly don't see how this is even a valid argument.
I somehow suspect that the troll doesn't care. They usually don't.
I want to be hatted too! =D
(Emphasis mine) ...She asked for it guys, guess it's okay after all. >.>
Considering the contents of the next chapter, I'll just add this for now: Erin, there is this thing called subtext, and these other things called slash goggles. They both make the world a better place. Get the homophobic stick out of your ass, embrace the subtext and slash, and suddenly everything will seem so much better.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:30:48 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 34 -- originally snarked 11/12/09 Here's the REAL 34. (Anyone besides me amused by the fact that she has two chapter 34s? Is this some kind of reference to Rule 34? It just seems so likely...) So, this is the infamous "trying to kill off the Brugo ship" chapter. Oh, this is gonna be good. Everyone get your slash goggles out, because I'm going to incorporate as many slash jokes into this one as I can. ^^ It was only a matter of time before this became a title. Only a matter of time... I'm putting just this bit in quotes so that you can fully appreciate the typos. Go ahead, take a moment to fully absorb it. There are just so many responses one could make here... Y'know, the trolls are at least complimenting your story. *shrugs* Take the good with the bad and all. They're going to go watch an adult movie together. Countdown to me spontaneously shipping Joan and Becca in 3...2...1... Watching an adult movie together, sitting in the dark cinema...man, the slash just writes itself! Now now Joan, all that matters is that she loves you. Looks will always fade, it's the heart that matters. Becca!witch: "How the hell am I supposed to know? And who is Betta?! SOMEONE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?" Becca!witch: "See? BECCA. With 'c's!' What the hell kind of person are you that you can't even spell your own girlfriend's name?" I'M POUTING. >( Well I'm just confused then. If magic isn't real, then how is this happening? Unless it ISN'T happening. But that would mean that the fact that it is somehow distorts time and space...screw it, can we get back to Brian and Hugo? They're more fun than existential dilemmas. Becca!witch: "Wait! I just want to be loved!!" DDD= Becca: *throwing flowers in Joan's face* D'< "I can't believe you stood me up! You told me we'd meet at my house, you bitch!" An evil watch? Somehow I would hope you could tell the difference between a person and a watch... Becca: "YOU WENT ON OUR PLANNED DATE WITH A WATCH INSTEAD OF ME?! HOW COULD YOU?!" ;__; Becca: "Joan doesn't love you, evil watch! I can give her things that you never could!" It's POPESTICK MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! More indecent than late-night television! His magical Popemobile is faster than the concord jet! Able to make small children (and everyone else) cry with a single flip of his coat! Meanwhile, the evil watch sneaked away, to return someday when Joan least expected it... Becca: "...I'm still pissed that you stood me up." >__> Darth Vader called, he wants his BIG NO back. It's already been said, but I'd like to reiterate, your dad isn't in jail. He's at Brian's house. You, however, ARE in the jail. You are the person who broke his lover's heart, and he's setting fire to the building you're in. There is a logical conclusion here... Mr. Smith isn't being burnt with anything, except maybe Brian's red-hot looooooove~~ A fallen...? Wait, does she mean felon? As in, "I'm gellin' like a felon, want some melon?" Also: "YOU CANNOT GET YOUR DAD OUT OF JAIL BECAUSE I ALREADY SAVED HIM. ALSO BECAUSE I'M THE FBI AND I CAN. Now hold still while I burn you to death, fucking Mary Sue who broke her father's heart! D< (I mean, yeah, I was able to mend his heart, but you still hurt his feelings and I'll never forgive you!) He's still hot. His pyro-ness only makes him hotter~ Mr. Smith is glad too, as is Brian, who is still confused about why Joan was ever flirting with him at all, because he's been in a committed relationship with Mr. Smith for years. . . . O hai. You really want to get into this with me? Really? Alrighty then! You asked for it! Well, first of all, the Latin meaning of "homo" is, simply, "human being" or, more precisely, "man." So you've just told us that Brian and Mr. Smith aren't human. Yeah, okay, riiiight. Or, we can always go with the Greek meaning, which is "same" or "equal," implying that Brian and Mr. Smith are not the same or are not equal. Obviously they aren't the same, they're two different people. However I'm quite certain that they're equals. At any rate, their relationship is quite a bit healthier than you and Edward's. It also saddens me to hear that none of your characters are gay. Not a single one? So they're all just miserable and mopey and unhappy? Truly, this is a sad thing. =( Or, if we don't want to have an intelligent discussion of linguistics, we can always discuss what I referenced last time, which is subtext and slash goggles and Welcome-To-The-Internet 101. If it can be slashed, it will be, especially when there is ample subext, and hon, you've got subtext everywhere in here. Might as well accept slash as a part of life on the interwebs, because we (slash fans that is) are not going away. So far in this fic, I actually find it easier to believe Brian and Mr. Smith's relationship than to believe Joan and Edward's. I believe I did mention something once about how your blatant homophobia is offensive and unnecessary, but you have continued to ignore that. Also, I meant what I said about the stick in your ass. Seriously, get that out. (Also, just as a warning, if you do decide to make them gay and then have some "Christian" "save" them, I can guarantee you I will never stop snarking this fic. Ever. Occasionally I have thought, "Man, I am being kinda mean continuing to do this..." But if you decide to pull another homophobic move? Whatever little bit of empathy I might have had for you will vanish into thin air.) Or I can address that Christian bit by pointing out that NONE of your characters have acted like any sort of Christian person whom I'd want to know, and I've met plenty of lovely Christian people, all of whom agree that only God is allowed to judge. Whether or not something is Christian, (and, frankly, if God made everyone as they are and loves them as they are, then I bet he's completely accepting of gays, lesbians, and other sexualities that are not hurting anyone against their will. After all, it's all based on biology, and I assume you believe that God invented our biology. But if you'd rather not go with that, I'd be happy to point out all of the other Biblical rules you've already broken.) really doesn't make a difference as far as fictional characters go. Besides, you already stated that your dad isn't your brand of Christianity, (which I'm considering dubbing The-Branch-Of-Christianity-That-Makes-God-Cry. Seriously, Jesus wanted peace and love!), so he can do any non-Christian thing he wants. Lastly, I'm not even sure what a "charroter" is (A carrot mixed with a chariot?) so your whole argument is null and void. Brian and Mr. Smith are "characters" not carrot-chariot hybrids, and therefore can easily be gay. So there. tl;dr: BRIAN AND MR. SMITH FOREVER. <333What, why? That doesn't make any sense. Fuck, that's not good! Hurry, dry it off before it smears, maybe the bank will still accept it! While his totally non-sexah eye wandered away in search of a new home. Uh, hello, he's at Brian's house entirely by his own will, Brian didn't put him anywhere. Don't you listen to anything I say? Oh Brian. You don't have to do that anymore, Mr. Smith will take care of you now. <3 Alice: =D *pops out of the trunk* "O hai! \o/ I'm here to encourage you all to become murderers! Yaaaaaaaaaayyy!" ...Fuck, if she kills off Brian I'm going to be so mad. So mad in fact that I might have to join the people writing spin-off fics and write some BrianxMr.Smith of my own. (Note from the future: Heh...I guess that was inevitable all along...xDD) I'm not trying to, they already are. Or your characters are anyway. I'm still not sure who these "charroters" are that you speak of. How do YOU know that? Do you have a direct line to God? Do you have a God Phone? Have you spoken directly to him yourself and confirmed this fact? Do you have proof that you have? I think not. If God did in fact create everyone, then he created everyone the way they were supposed to be. That includes some people being gay. Maybe it's against your will, but you are not God. I bet that God would approve of a committed, loving relationship between two people of the same gender waaaay more than your two-month, "let's get married so we can have sex!" straight relationship. So go ahead, pick up your God Phone and dial him up and ask him. I'll wait.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:33:11 GMT -8
Erin went on hiatus around this time, so on 11/14/09 I decided to snark a comment she left on the Brian/Hugo DA page.
What's this, you're upset because someone is slashing two of your characters? Welcome to the internet! What happened, did you somehow miss the "There is slash beyond this point" signs when you came in? Allow me to re-direct you back to them.
BTW, Moxie Crimefighter, ILU for your "A SINNAR IS YOU" comment. :D
They rent homos? So...you're saying they aren't together because they're busy being with male prostitutes instead? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS. Brian and Mr. Smith's love for each other is faithful and true! They would never leave each other for anybody else! D'=
But...but you already said that Brian is a sinner and Mr. Smith is a sinner, so if they aren't part of your strange and diseased branch of Christianity (the tree of Christianity is trying with all its might to saw off the diseased branch, but it's a tree, and is having a hard time holding the saw) then why would they be following the rules of it? I don't get it. By this reasoning, that makes it more likely that they're a couple.
Honey, it reeks all on its own, we had nothing to do with that.
You don't have to come to this thread. And I've never trolled you on devART or ff.net. So I feel very little guilt about being "meen." *shrugs* If you were a real author, people would criticize your work. And if you publicly insulted them in such a way, it would upset people and cause them to really come down hard on you. If professional authors go through that, fanfic authors have to deal with the same.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Wait, I'm not done. ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA! My worst fics ever got better reviews than this one has. Then again, even they were better than this, so...
No, I don't think I will. I kind of like being a sinner. I feel compelled to pull out those old Billy Joel lyrics again. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun.
O hai stock argument of 12-year-olds. Seriously, you're dropping to that level of insults again? Do you realize that it's stuff like this that sets me off? Do you WANT me to go off? I think not.
You don't sound too happy right now, and frankly, I don't see why. Man, if someone made a devART fanpage for a couple in one of my stories, even a non-canon couple in my eyes, I'd be over the moon happy about it. Because someone, somewhere, liked those two characters enough to go through the trouble of shipping them. I'd be thrilled.
Yeah yeah, that's our name, don't wear it out. (Wait, too late, you already have.)
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:40:41 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 35 -- originally snarked 2/12/10 Took her ages, but she finally updated again! Okay, ducks are cool, I'll allow that. Shit, on the other hand...oh wait. You like writing shit, so maybe being around it is fun too? You can't even spell Christmas correctly. -_- Somehow I don't think Jesus would appreciate being hanked. I just...don't. Actually his birthday was in the spring, but whatever. And I disagree. !? > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111, any day. *sighs* Here we go... Is Taylob some sort of mutation of Taylor and Spongebob? ...OH GODS, THE IMAGES. D| I hope you won't be too offended when he goes running, screaming the opposite direction. (On the other hand, at least she's differentiating between Rob and Edward. So...you know, that might be good.) Or you could do what I did and, oh, I dunno, READ OVER THE LAST FEW CHAPTERS. My gods, it's not exactly difficult. I actually went back and read the last few to see where the story was at for this snark. When a snarker does more research than the author, that's a sad state of affairs indeed. It's not the ducks' fault that you're an idiot. (So I'm going to assume that killing Brian didn't work out? YAY. /o/) Shitting in the car certainly would lead to woe... Your sweat doesn't care. Also, if you have to coerce the guy to the alter, that cannot be good. u_u ...I am so confused now. Did she just ask us to tell her if she made Bella (Joan?) have sex with Edward or not? HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! (Oh, for the record, you didn't. Joan/Erin ALMOST had sex and got epically cock-blocked by Jacob.) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Unless of course you're a homosexual couple, right Erin? Don't think I forgot your little anti-gay bitchfest. Well you fucking tried to break him and Brian up! (You didn't succeed, by the way. Brian's out back right now firing up the grill to cook Mr. Smith a special romantic dinner. Pyros make the best BBQ.) Of course he's going to be angry at you! Not to mention you're a complete bitch of a daughter while he's trying to do his best. Aw, that's kind of sweet. He was worried about you and is thankful that you made it home safely! ...I...I don't even... OH, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER BITCH FROM HELL. I SERIOUSLY DON'T EVEN-- ASDFKJ;! Edward should be the one being thankful. Mr. Smith must be the coolest dad ever to actually let you get married if it's what you really want. ...Or maybe he just can't wait for you to move out so that Brian can move in. There's always that possibility. And you weren't at the prayer service? SINNAR ALERT. My, that is unfortunate. I guess that's kinda sweet, missing friends. Fuck, you always ruin every possible sweet moment by being a bitch, don't you? You don't even bother to hug your friend back? You really are completely oblivious to everything. Personally, I always notice giant people who have arms growing out of their boobs. I mean, it's just not something you see every day. Okay, a little better, but how about some more emphasis next time? All right, take three, in three, two... And you want to marry this guy? Who hits on your friends the moment he sees them? Really? Wao: The long-lost twin of Mao. He was a country. Um. I'll just ignore that in favor of pointing out how this makes him sound like he's three. What's a PLUTON hug? The hug that you give Pluto because it's no longer a planet? ...WAIT. Five months later, I think I might have finally figured out what she meant. Maybe she meant a platonic hug? Probably noticed that Joan was about to snap her neck for touching her precious Eddikins. THIS MAKES NO SENSE EITHER. GAH. Maybe Jenny has mind reading powers now? She asked how Emmett was, read Edward's mind of him thinking that Emmett is doing well, and then replied, "Oh, good." That's all I could figure. Jenny also likes Jacob and Jasper. Being a slut is required for this fic. Brian and Hugo's adorable love and gorgeous wedding...oh wait, that was my memory. I'm so confused now. No, I don't know. I don't watch Gossip Girl, I don't know why you're randomly talking to real!Becca instead of writing your fic, and I don't know why you bothered to interrupt to go on about this. NOBODY FUCKING CARES. DON'T USE AUTHOR NOTES IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FIC OR SO HELP ME GODS, I WILL STAB YOU IN THE EYE WITH A SPOON. DON'T THINK I WON'T. Holy shit guys. She just wrote two entire sentences without any misspellings. I'M SCARED. I THINK THIS IS A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE. But once again you abuse the poor exclamation point. =( Meh...not your best work if you ask me. Kind of boring to be honest. Not enough lulzy typos and no really good points for me to have a really good rant moment at. All these people are boring, too. I trust that you'll up the lulz for the next chapter, yes? Don't go letting us down now, Erin! I've waited so long for this! Also: GET BACK TO BRIAN AND MR. SMITH, PL0X.
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 14:51:46 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 36 -- originally snarked 3/31/10 In the last installment of All My Sinnars, Erin Joan was looking at her husband to be when she suddenly hallucinated that he was Jacob. In other news, farmers in the area have reported seeing a Mary Sue trespassing in their fields at night, running away with baskets of mushrooms with purple rings. I doubt the two incidents are related, but there you are. Joan: *runs in* *runs out* *runs in* *runs out* Edward: "Um, what are you doing?" Joan: "RUNNING IN AND OUT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, DUH." *runs into the wall* Usually vices don't grip things softly. Perhaps Joan has become a masochist. I have a feeling your fae aren't going to be too happy about that. Your tear rivers will wash all their fairy dust off and then what will you do?! I'm pretty sure hallucinating isn't really betrayal. I mean, you could have hallucinated a giant elephant or something. It happens. All things considered, he's taking the fact that his fiance is a nutcase pretty well. If someone suddenly stared at me and screamed "NOT JAY!" and then proceeded to run in and out of the room, I'd just be like "WTF." . . .I'm sorry, I have to say it. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? Dis be Leaf? No, DIS be Leaf! It's a Nissan Leaf and it's cute and adorable and I kinda want one all of a sudden. And now I have to go pat my car and assure her that no other car, no matter how cute, can take her place. brb. Well maybe you should rethink eating those funny mushrooms then. "Edward," I said, "Bella is not the Mary Sue you're looking for." LE GASP. NOT SEXAH? BUT HOW WILL HE BE SEXAH RUNNING IF HE'S NOT SEXAH?! ...You cannot be serious. You cannot be-- Edward has penises growing out of his abdomen. ...BAD MENTAL IMAGES BAD IMAGES BAD IMAGES GET THEM OUT OF MY HEAD NOW.You could give him some of the funny mushrooms and let him hallucinate you turning into Jacob. And damn right, you'd better stay the hell away from my anime. This is perhaps the most pointless drama I've ever read. YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T SEXAH? NO, I NEVER DOUBTED YOUR SEXAHNESS! I FEEL SO BETRAYED! I'M SO SORRY, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE THE SEXAH-IST FOR ME. Let's just sum it all up like this: Okay, moving on. It's probably a bad sign that I'm so used to her failtastic writing that I actually know this means "dirtiest bitch in the world." HALP, I'M GETTING ACCUSTOMED. Oh yes, can't you just feel the love? Hey, I was right! EDWARD IS BREAD! [/reference that nobody will remember] Don't these people ever fucking use doors? They ran away then. See, I was right again! I KNEW there was something going on between Becca and Joan. You can't hide slash undertones from me, Erin. If you KNOW then why are you bawwwwing about it? Well geez, way to be Queen Bitch. What the hell did Jacob ever do to you? Besides, you're always going on about how he's hot. This sounds to me like a case of denial. u_u Um, honey, I think the reason your relationships with guys are so complicated may be more obvious than you think... If you left the Mustang there then how did you get to the church? I read that as Glory of Time Lord at first. xDDDD TIME LORD FOR PRESIDENT GOD. Poor Father Holden. He pleasured and she came? D8 Gods, it's like the popestick all over again! I have no idea what to say to that, so here's a cute deer. This line reminds me of a scene from the Dresden Files about how God tells the Knights where they need to be. The difference is that the Dresden Files are awesome and this fic is not. Joan isn't fit to wipe the Mold Demon slime off the Blue Beetle's tires! D< Joan? Honorably following God's teachings? Good one! xDDD...Wait, you mean that wasn't a joke? No, it's about the funny mushrooms! Duh! Unf. Kinky. Better than apocalypsing. You'd better be, knocking him down and then gassing him is pretty uncool. Does this guy have nothing better to do than divert all his attention to Erin Joan? Oh wait...she's a Sue, of course he only pays attention to her. So one guy is sexah, and the other guy is devoted. Show of hands: which would YOU prefer? Because in my world devotion trumps sexahness every day. Evil...sinning...thongs? So, like this? Wait, isn't she sixteen? Can she even get married legally without her father's permission? HUGO, YOU CAN PUT A STOP TO THIS, COME SAVE US ALL. But...that'd mean you'd have to stop snuggling with Brian for a bit. Never mind, go back to your snuggles, we can deal with Erin Joan. x3 Shit, she has to think? That's going to put a bit of a spanner in this. I've got a better question. If I thought it was the styrofoam anniversary and you thought it was the false anger anniversary and I got mad and went home to my mother's house and we both ended up on a game show, what would you say? And yes, I do believe that any moment is a good moment to randomly quote the Fairly Oddparents. Hey, who else notice that she added James in there? Here, I have a solution. Have an orgy. There is no love triangle (or quadrilateral) that cannot be solved with an OT3 or 4. Then he pushed Joan off it and she fell down and broke her head the end. I suppose this isn't bad advice for someone who really is spiritual. For Joan, however, I think it'll just result in a sunburn. Holy crap on toast, it's a sentence that doesn't make me want to headdesk. It's an Easter miracle! *headdesks* Well that didn't last long. I think she's describing her clothes here. It's anybody's guess. God: "That's right, just keep standing there. Just a leeeeeetle longer..." *adjusts ultraviolet rays* Sun: *burns Joan's retinas out* God: /o/ "PERFECT!" So this was about the funny mushrooms after all. I KNEW IT. This is such a creepy scene. James obviously figured out that he was much too cool to be part of this and took off. Ten bucks says it's Edward. . . . Either Miss Troll here is trying to make my brain bleed, or she's never looked up "golden shower" on Urban Dictionary. This would be such a good moment for a Becca/Joan scene, but alas, we are deprived. ;_; Becca: >_____> "FUCK YOU BITCH." *kicks Joan out of the car* If she spends all of next chapter going on about how she's in love with (EDITED) I'm not sure if I'll laugh or cry. Jesus is not amused by the way you talk about his dad. Jokes aside, I did notice that this chapter was different. It has a different tone in general. Maybe because she's gone so long between chapters? Or maybe she really did work harder at this chapter? Some of the stuff in it seems like she's trying a little too hard to emulate other trollfics. Don't be a generic troll, Erin! You can be lulzier than that!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 18, 2011 15:04:04 GMT -8
^True. The end of Brewdening Love loses its taste. Also, am I the only one who laughs at the fact Erin completely forgot to tell us who she chose ? I mean, next chapter Edward breaks up with her, so… does that mean she chose her and he finally decided to get rid of her or something ?
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 15:13:10 GMT -8
^ I find that hilarious too. Now we'll never know who she chose! ;A; I guess she chose Edward and Edward realized what a horrible mistake he made and promptly dumped her. >.>;;
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 18, 2011 16:14:51 GMT -8
Brewdening Love chapter 37 -- originally snarked 7/19/10 Alrighty then. The final chapter! *cracks knuckles* So, when we last left Joan the Uber Sue, she had just gone through the experience of deciding who she loved more, Ward or Jay. She made her choice, took a few minutes to be a bitch to her poor friend Becca (she loves you, Joan! And you left her for a damn watch! D<) and promised to tell us who she chose. I can't wait to find out! Can you? I bet she chose Ward! No, Jay! No...arrragh, the suspense is killing me! Yes, I have been reading way too many of Dan's Blogging Twilight posts! Erin, Erin, Erin. Do we need to have that talk again about your "charroters?" I've already told you I have no interest in your chariot-carrot hybrids. By jove, I think she's got it! No duh I'm gay, I've only been bringing it up since what, my snark of chapter two or so? Took you long enough. She must've seen the awesome picture of me cross-dressing that I put up on devART a few days ago. Although I'm pretty sure she doesn't know I have a devART. Anyway, well done, Erin. Here's a liver treat. There's more where that came from as soon as you learn the definition of asexual and properly apply it while addressing me. Oh, and Brian and Hugo are gay. *skips away* So "flemming" your story is all that you object to? Excellent, then I shall feel free to snark it to my heart's content. Wait for it...wait for it... ...Hey. Wait a minute. THIS ISN'T WHERE THE LAST CHAPTER LEFT OFF. Oh well. This is funnier. You...you have wet dreams about your boyfriend leaving you? :? B| Just because you only care about a person's looks, that doesn't mean everyone else in the world only cares about looks, too. DDDD| She WAS coming because of the dream! It wasn't just a typo, she seriously...she had to go to the bathroom to clean...FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDSZKFNA;DKF'A'! Please, for the sake of my sanity don't think about it anymore. Your freaky fetishes are a little too freaky. I would say oic, except she's already added the Ic for me. ic. This may be the first time Joan has actually said something halfway nice ever. Can't say as I blame her. It bothers me too when people walk up to me and randomly say "Anger and brewdinglu!" at me. I can never think of a good response, you know? Please say you're leaving her for the Other Edward, please say you're leaving her for the Other Edward, please Santa, I've been so good. (I just realized this joke will only make sense if you've read my snark of Bella's Baby. Oops.) Oh you have got to be kidding me. How the hell do you fluck an eye?! (Urban dictionary disagrees on what exactly this term means, but possibilities include: "the act of recieving a lucky fuck," "To put a hot dog on one's head" and "An action equivalent or worse than getting beat with any object such as: an extension cord, 6in. stiletto heels, a leather belt, a metal baseball bat, or cell phone charger." All of these sound rather painful for eyes.) Okay, well, leaving her in general is good enough for me. TAKE THAT, PSYCHOBITCH. I guess all that flucking got to her other eye. 1. You don't respect Brian and Hugo. 2. You're a bitch. 3. You're a racist, sexist, ageist homophobe. 4. You make every other Christian person cry. 5. You're a double bitch. I could go on, but I have better things to do. Ooh la la. Jenny has had her bad moments and is a definite ditz, (and apparently a part-time window) but at heart I think she's a decent person. WHAT. THE. FUCK. She was consoling you! She hugged you and asked what was wrong! YOU HAD A DREAM YOU DUMB FUCK. A DREAM. DREAMS ARE NOT REAL. Hey, Brian? When you and Hugo aren't busy snuggling, could you do me a favor and try one last time to set Joan on fire? Please? =DDDD Hugo's in this one! Hi Hugo! Is it okay if I hug you or will Brian get jealous? What a dumb question, of course Brian won't get jealous, because Brian is awesome and secure in his relationship with you. I'll give him a hug too. Oh, Hugo's not actually in this, she's just talking about him. =( That's okay Hugo, I know you're busy providing for you and Brian. An FBI salary doesn't always pay all the bills, and I know you'd like it if Brian worked less so you could spend more time together. <33 Unless you're actually not at work and are over at Brian's right now, you sly fox. That is where you are, isn't it? I knew it. ;3 I'll stop bothering you guys now. Say hi to Brian for me. And let him know that if he ever wants to set fire to Joan, I'll bring the lighter fluid. *headdesks into infinity* After all this time and all the reasoning we've come up with for Brian and Hugo's awesomeness...AND STILL SHE MISSES THE WHOLE DAMN POINT. And of course he isn't with Brain, he's with Brian. They're out watching a movie together right now. Don't tell anyone, but Brian cried at the end of Toy Story 3. Raise your hand if you feel sorry for the pillow. Oh, I know! Ask Jay to kill him for you! Apparently it's okay to doom his soul to hell! (Sarcasm boots are on) Wait, I'm confused. She saw a card on the floor and that made her decide the Volturi could help her? What? PFFFFT. Yeah right! Like a group of old geezer vampires could seriously take on the awesomeness that is Brian. This may be the most hilarious thing you've ever written, Erin. He'd turn them into barbecue briquettes within minutes without even breaking a sweat and would then use them to grill up a steak dinner for he and Hugo to have under the moonlight. (I'd also like to point out that if by some chance they did kill Brian, Hugo wouldn't turn straight. He'd put on some boots with good traction and some protective eye wear, strap on a tracer-round firing machine gun or three, and go mow down the motherfuckers in the name of his one true love.) I was highly tempted to whip out a quick MS Paint drawing of this just for giggles, but decided not to because I'm too lazy to hook my tablet up right now. I may do so later anyway. Say no, Becca! You can do better! Becca has to go on Maury? That can't be good. I'm guessing it's going to be the "I love my best friend even though she's a bitch and left me for a Watch!" episode. Or something like that. I yawned. Holy cow, that was the fastest Maury taping I've ever seen. >.> It's official. I like Jenny now. And I'm totally jumping on the Edward/Jenny train. They'll never be better than Brian/Hugo, but they make a nice beta couple. Becca: Damn it, still stuck in the friends zone. =( You drove to Italy?! No, wait... YOU DROVE TO ITALY?!Have you ever seen a map before in your life, Erin? Ever? Again I find myself wondering how the Volturi spend their days. I mean, what do they do all day? Listen to Marcus explain to them the true stories behind celebrity relationships? Marcus: "Well you see, Jon liked Kate as a friend, but Kate didn't love Jon. Carrie and Mike love each other, but Carrie did actually like that guy in third grade who gave her a valentine, she was just too shy to tell him. Brian and Hugo's love for each other is the strongest I've ever seen, oh man, hand me a fan or I just might swoon. Oh, and you'll never guess who J Lo has a super secret crush on!" I actually think Caius is a pretty cool name. Or maybe that's just because Caius the Shadow Monarch used to be one of my key cards when I had my Different Dimension-Dark deck. Wait, so who is who?! I'm confused already! Because some of the Volturi aren't married IIRC. Besides, it ain't against the law to look. What about Ralph the mouse in The Mouse and the Motorcycle?! He was adorable! Ralph is a perfectly nice name! "Marcus was just about to tell us whether or not Harry and Murphy will ever get together in the Dresden Files! THIS BETTER BE GOOD." And I want pie. The difference between us is, I can get what I want. I feel compelled to repeat this: Barbecue. Briquettes. You will become them if you mess with Brian. Keep this up and you're going to lose your other eye, you know. That's nice. Dress like whores and seduce the Volturi into forcing someone to marry you against his will and to kill two other people for absolutely no reason! Lovely! Truly Joan, you are an inspiration to us all. (Okay Brian, you ready? I'm going to dump the lighter fluid on her in thirty seconds. Hugo is standing by with the Uzi just in case she tries to run. You come in with the matches in three...two...) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. ALICE HAS THE FLU. EVERYBODY FLEE! FLEE FROM THE MICROBES! DDD8 I have no idea. Why don't you try asking Alice1 and Alice2? Of course, it's 50/50 if next chapter will even start up where this one left off. GUESS WHAT? WE WERE ALL ABLE TO READ IT ANYWAY. That's the end of Brewdening Love. Maybe someday Erin will answer our pleas and write some more, but who knows. In the meantime, I've got a few snarks of her spin-offs left to post, but I think I'll finish those up tomorrow or the next day. I think this is enough frenzied posting for one weekend. xD;
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 19, 2011 1:14:21 GMT -8
I want the Bella's baby snark ! I never read yours ! Also, love the gossipy!Volturi. They're much better than the real ones. And they ship Brugo =P
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 19, 2011 4:57:38 GMT -8
Gossipy!Volturi is one of those fan-canons that I just love. They're all so fabulous in their cloaks and stuff, so I just imagine them gossiping all day. And since Marcus can sense relationships, he probably gets all the dirt. (Plus, they totally ship Brugo. u_u)
I'll get the Bella's Baby snark up next then! ^^
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PuzzleChick
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Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 19, 2011 9:01:27 GMT -8
The snarking of Bella's Baby, originally done 7/14/10. Yami and Yugi join me as guest snarkers in this one. ^_^ *bops in, dragging Yami behind her* Yami: Do I even want to know what you've dragged me into now?Yugi: And me by default, seeing as how your hostage shares my body... -_-We're gonna snark a fic! It's a bad one. Yugi: Well, it can't be any worse than your first fic.For your information, it's worse than my first. Yami: .__.Yugi: You're kidding.Nope, not kidding. Yami: No way, I refuse--What if we give you permission to mind crush people? Yugi: Hey, wait a second--Yami: BRING IT ON.Yugi: *facepalm* ...He's your responsibility now.Let the snarking begin! /o/ Yami: *eying the screen* Oh no, is this that sparkly vampire trollfic that Kaiba was going on about being forced to snark?No, it's better than that! Yami: Ah, okay then.It's a NEW sparkly vampire trollfic and this time it's about babies! Yami: >.> Oh, look, I forgot something important in my soul room it's very important I think I'll go get it Aibou you're in charge kbai. *vanishes*Yugi: ...And, onward! Other than the inability to use apostrophes, this isn't bad. A little trite, because everyone and their mother has done fics about babies with questionable parentage-- Yugi: Yeah, including you. And you had to drag me into it, too. Don't think I forgot....We don't talk about that one anymore, remember? >_> Anyway, not a bad way to begin. If I was in the mood for a soap-opera-style Twilight fic or I enjoyed questionable offspring storylines, I'd probably take a look. Aaaaaand I would be incredibly disappointed. Yugi: What the heck is a chird? Some sort of half-human, half-bird?Urban Dictionary says: Chird: A Real American. Someone whose qualities and/or habits include drinking Budweiser, watching/playing football, listening to country music, eating red meat, and voting Republican.You know, this kind of makes sense. Erin's not American, but I imagine if she was she'd be a hardcore conservative and quite chirdlike. Makes me wonder why she's so upset though, you'd think that bringing more chirds into the world would make Erin happy. Yugi: Why would someone say "Whaled Bella Swab I is pregnant!1"??Erin doesn't understand the concept of quotation marks. Yugi: Edward is yelling to Edward? He has an Other Self too??Yami: *reappears* You called?Yugi: No, no, I was talking about Edward. He talks to an Other Edward, apparently.Yami: Oh. Ten bucks says that Puzzle ships them....It's true, I would. |3 Yami: I'm no doctor, but I'm thinking she might want to get that checked out.Yugi: I do admire her use of scientific terms, though. I think.Good gods, Erin's like a friggin gardening hose. Also, frosty warm eyes? So his eyes are like a melted Frosty? Edward's eyes are friggin depressing. D= Yami: I thought you said Edward was a guy. What's up with the breasts?Just be glad she's not talking about his peckers. Yugi and Yami: =|If any guy patted me like a dog I'd smack him. >_> Why on Earth do people like this patronizing bastard again? I ask myself the same thing every month. No matter how many times I tell my ovaries that they're wasting time releasing eggs I'll never use and that they really don't have to, they continue to do so and I continue to ask them why they bother. Yami: Who's Esmerte?I have no idea. I assume she means Renesmee. Yugi: Wouldn't Alice already know? And I thought she was with Edward.Maybe Edward ran off with Other Edward and Bella had to find a new guy. Yami and Yugi: You would say that, wouldn't you. -_-This is why I think Erin is a troll. Esme meme? She HAS to know what she's doing there. Yami: These people cry a lot. We cry less in your angst fics and they're ten times worse.WHOA. Back the truck up a second here. This fic is about Bella. But now it seems to be about Joan/Erin because of the reference to James, who was apparently a Satanic sorcerer or something in Brewdening Love. So now the question is, is this fic about Bella, Joan, or Erin? And if all three were to merge into one, would they create a black hole that could swallow the Black Hole Sueness of all three? Yami: She gets feelings in her fallopian tubes?Yugi: I'm not even going to ask.Yami: No it's not, it's James'. Or Joms'. I'm confused. Can I just mind crush them all and get this over with?That's a common feeling to have when reading anything by Erin. Don't worry, it'll pass soon. If you mind crush them now, we lose the lulz. Yugi: ...Right, okay then. Who wants to go play children's card games?Yami: Ooh, I do! And can we go shopping for leather pants afterward?Yugi: Sounds good! =D*grabs them both by the collars as they sneak away* Not so fast guys, it's not over yet. As far as I can tell, Erin still believes in the theory from Jondalar-the-total-douchebag's clan. That men have nothing to do with creating babies and only the women are blessed with them. Yami: Right, Erin's an idiot. Can we leave now?No. Yami and Yugi: Darn. >.<Yami: Abortion? I thought Erin was one of those Christians who don't do that?She is. Sort of. If you tilt your head 72 degrees to the right and squint really hard. Yugi: ...Nope, still doesn't make sense.Professor...OH HELL NO. SHE DID NOT DRAG HARRY POTTER AND MCGONAGALL'S AWESOMENESS INTO THIS. Yami: Um...Puzzle?AND I THOUGHT ERIN WOULD HATE HARRY POTTER BECAUSE IT HAS WITCHCRAFT OR WHATEVER. CAN YOU NOT STICK TO A SINGLE LOGICAL PATH EVEN FOR A SIMPLE 400 WORD STORY, ERIN?! IS THAT TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOUR TROLL BRAIN? Yugi: ...Was that really necessary?You're right, it wasn't. It's just that I ate what will probably be the last lychees of the season today and one of them was bad. I love lychees and it made me sad that I couldn't enjoy all the last batch. Moving on. Yami: Well that's nice. She's going to cure the baby and make it not evil or something. =)Sorry Yami. That kind of sensible thinking only works in Not-Erin Land. Unfortunately, we're in Erin Land, which means... Yugi: D| That...is just fucked up.Yami: You said it, Aibou. And I'm confused again.Yugi: Me too. Couldn't James just come back and put another spell on her?Guys, guys, what part of There Is No Logic In Erin Land did you not get? Trust me, trying to find any will only hurt your brain and I need you guys in top shape for my Puzzleshippy semi-darkfic for NaNoWriMo this year. Yugi: ...What semi-darkfic? >_> You said nothing about this.Oh. Er. I was going to tell you before it happened, I swear. Yami: When were you planning to tell us?...I was thinking October 31st, around 11:59 pm. Yugi: *glares* Yami, you said something about wanting to mind crush somebody earlier. I'd be willing to look the other way this once...Yami: >D
Shall we play a game?Oh, look at the time, I have to go tap dance on the roof. You guys can finish up the snark for me, right? Thanks! *runs away* Yugi: Well that's suspiciously specific.Yami: More like suspiciously convenient. Now can we go play children's card games and shop for leather pants?Yugi: Okay! =DYami and Yugi: *hold hands and skip away*Aaaand, that's that. At least I feel better about the lychees now. Snarking helps soothe the pain of broken hopes and dreams. (Note from the future: I avoided being mind crushed by finding a different plot to use last year for NaNo. Jsyk. |D)
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Chibithulhu
Persistent Member
None can resist cuteness.[Mo0:10]
Posts: 2,236
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Post by Chibithulhu on Sept 19, 2011 18:16:20 GMT -8
Poor Yami and Yugi. Though... how can they hold hands and skip away while in one body? Do they just hold their own hand?
Also, I love your snarks. Please marry me. We can go to Canada with Brian and Hugo!
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 20, 2011 5:01:55 GMT -8
^ Well, Yami astro-projects himself as a sort of ghost and although he's technically non-corporal, Yugi can physically touch him slightly. This is actually supported by canon where Yami, as a projection, has caught or touched him before. Thus, they can hold hands and skip away. /o/ It makes sense inside my head and in the show. OTL OKAY! Road trip!
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Chibithulhu
Persistent Member
None can resist cuteness.[Mo0:10]
Posts: 2,236
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Post by Chibithulhu on Sept 20, 2011 5:29:39 GMT -8
Aaah, Okay!
YAY, ROAD TRIP!
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PuzzleChick
Persistent Member
Because I am the FBI and I can.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 2,890
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Post by PuzzleChick on Sept 20, 2011 6:18:01 GMT -8
Between two nightmares and all the triggering stuff hanging out on my Tumblr dash, oh gods I'm a wreck today. So here is the Edward's Birthday snark, because it's funny and laughter makes everything better. And this is the snark with the famous "Yay Jesus" cake. I swear I read this as "Step-nanny Meyer" at first. SMeyer as a nanny. HOW TERRIFYING WOULD THAT BE? I bet she'd try to marry off any girls she babysat for to older boys down the street. B| So by this logic, she loves us too. If God loves us all and she loves all who God loves... You cannot be serious... Aw, a supplies party. I always wanted a party that would supply me with things. And I never got one. WHERE IS MY SUPPLIES PARTY, ERIN?! HUH? AND YOU CLAIM YOU LOVE US. Why the hell are you all dressed up for the party at midnight? You're going to get your clothes all messy while you set up! You should have set up first, then changed. I KNEW there was a reason I always half-shipped Alice and Joan. A dress that is a dress and a skirt at the same time. I'm just confused. Is she trying to say she's topless? I'd just like to say, unless you have a perfect figure, dresses that are tight all the way through aren't flattering at all. You have to pick a dress that is tight in some places and loose in others to suit your specific body. And Joan is always rambling on about how thin she is, and if she's really as skinny as she says she is, then she's going to look awful. Take it from me, if you're really skinny and try wearing a tight dress, your bones are going to stick out everywhere and it's going to look horrible. That being said, I'm a little disturbed to know that she has to make an effort to make her legs look skin-ey. They don't normally look like skin? FUCK, SHE IS A CYBORG? Say you...say me...say it together... (I'm sorry Lionel Richie, I'm really sorry, that's just the first thing that popped into my head...) I'd like to point out that they do all this IN THEIR PARTY CLOTHES. Also, you should have put up the marquee first. And why is it that I, a stupid American, can spell your word for tent properly while you can't? This is the second time you've used "whatever" in lieu of actually describing something. Also, how much you bet that the cake looked something like this: But with "Ward" instead of "Erin?" THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT PUTTING YOUR PARTY CLOTHES ON YOU DUMBASS. AND IF THE PARTY ISN'T UNTIL THE NEXT NIGHT, WHY DID YOU SET IT UP AT MIDNIGHT? WHY? ...Sorry. So it's an orgy? Stephenie Meyer already did this storyline, Erin. And she actually spelled it properly. (I think I just complimented SMeyer again. Brb, washing my hands in bleach.) Okay, well, this is a bit of a departure. At least Bella thought she had a reason to be concerned, since she believed Tanya was so much prettier than her, (even though I still think she was being way too jealous.) Nice little jab at how you think Tanya is a slut, by the way, Erin. Don't think I didn't catch that "slit" comment. "Hey, yeah, why is there a marquee on the lawn, and why were you all running around outside at midnight last night?" I'm just astounded that a girl can use so many exclamation points where they aren't needed, and there's not one in sight where one or two would actually be permissible. Gaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. I thought we were done with the multiple sparkle-peen references! It's taken me this long just to get that image out of my head the first time! Oh yes. Because dusty, slept in clothes always look great. And uh, aren't you still not married yet? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE ARE WATCHING. Clearly the pope and his cavalier attitude about his popestick have taught you some VERY inappropriate behaviors. Erm, and who is Z? You can't mean Zee, the awesome drummer from my novel. You surely cannot. I guess this is kind of nice. Horrible spelling, but the general idea isn't bad. I'm not sure what to make of the cake, though. All the other guests are vampires, so why bother making a whole cake for him? None of them will get to eat it. So Tanya is a guy in drag? Face hand?! FACE HAND? What the hell is a face hand?! Cat fiiiiiiiiiiight. LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE WOMEN. And no, I don't mean by mud wrestling or naked pillow fighting, BUT WITH A CHILDREN'S CARD GAME. HOW? WHY? WHAT? This is simultaneously a pairing of the best and worst typos ever. IIRC, pashing is a romantic thing. So Tanya is hitting on Joan now, too, apparently. ...by...what? By people who drive under the speed limit? By customers who treat clerks like servants? By milk that spoils the exact day that you have a craving for a nice bowl of cereal? By tailgaters? By Erin because she doesn't respect Brian and Hugo's love? BY WHAT? I WANT TO KNOW. Oh. Well that was anti-climactic. How did she turn "uglah" within a matter of minutes? HOLY SHIT, WARD IS ACTUALLY JOAN. HE WAS A SPLIT PERSONALITY ALL THIS TIME. Oh, please tell me it was a package bomb, please... Wait, what? She got him jewelry? So 'Ward' is gay after all? I KNEW IT. He can't eat cake! He's a vampire! Oh wait, I get it. Joan actually ate the whole cake herself and is pretending like they all shared it so she doesn't look like a pig. Joan, it's cool man. I once ate like a third of a cake myself. No shame. "" Look at that. I just typed quotation marks. It was really easy. I can do it again. "" And again. "" I can type them all day, it's so simple. Erin, have you ever considered giving it a try? Don't think I didn't notice that, Erin. It was a sweat story alright, because it sure stank. /o/ ...*cymbal crash*
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