Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Jul 31, 2013 14:03:25 GMT -8
It takes quite a while to get everything off if you really trowel it on From my own experience, foundation can be a sticky mess. That was always the hardest thing to remove completely. Even waterproof mascara usually loses the fight to regular body lotion. But I'm a cheapskate. I don't buy the super-efficient and totally expensive make-up removers I'm sure Alice and Rose have. Because they are Rose and Alice. The weirdest thing about the scene was how the two girls couldn't make the guys sit still long enough to try wiping the smear-job off. Emmett and Jasper were like unruly toddlers on a suger high, and only Izzy with her super inter-personal skills could control them enough to actually help them. (also what's wrong with "dumb" now? ^^) It insults people of unsmartness. No, I really have not the faintest. I was browsing angry blogs again, and the blogger actually commented on how it was strange that "stupid" and "dumb" were still acceptable words.
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Post by Traitor on Aug 1, 2013 16:01:57 GMT -8
I prefer to think that she just beat them about the genitals with a sledgehammer until they agreed to her demands. Her character makes a lot more sense when you assume that she's packing a deadly weapon and pointing it at everyone she talks to...
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 2, 2013 9:08:41 GMT -8
^Except for Brittany, you mean ^-^
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 3, 2013 3:39:30 GMT -8
Guise! I've made an executive decision to take a break from PP to snark this indescribable fic I found on FF.net. It is seriously, in my humble opinion, the funniest trollfic in a couple of years. Dr Who fans might want to stock up on brain bleach, though. I've only got grape flavoured left, and nobody likes grape flavour.
I will be continuing the PP snark, of course. It's just that PP's really long, and I've got about 60% to go. The Dr Who crossover is less than 10 000 words and I should be able to do it in a couple of days if I put my back into it.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 3, 2013 4:47:06 GMT -8
Mmmkay! Let's get snarking. The story is called Silver Bullet and you can read it here!The TARDIS materialized in a forest. This is one of those fics that get to the point pretty quickly. That's normally a very good thing. The sky was overcast, and the sun didn't look like it knew how to shine in this part of the world, where things were wet and rainy and depressing all the time. Sort of like a song by Morrissey, but not. That bad, huh? Rose and the Doctor stepped outside and had a look around. Shall we have a video to set the mood?
"Forks, Washington," the Doctor said, walking a distance from the TARDIS with his hands in his pockets. "Rainiest place in the United States, or so they say. Not far from here is a Quileute reservation, and a beach called La Push, which sounds like the name of a bad French-Canadian disco group from the 1970s." It's a weird name, but I guess it's "English" spelling of a Native American word? Let's consult Wikipedia.The name La Push is an infusion of the French la bouche, meaning "mouth", into Chinook Jargon. It describes the town's location at the mouth of the Quileute River.I was kind of right."Boy," Rose said leaning against the tardis doors. "If I were an awkward, clumsy but beautiful Bella's not that pretty. emo girl from Arizona, I'd be miserable if I had to move here because my mom was marrying a minor league baseball player and I wanted them to have some alone time together." Don't worry. Rose is not going to actually be Bella."Me too," the Doctor said. He turned to Rose with a smile. "You smell that? Take a whiff of the air." Rose smelled. "Yuk! What is that?" Werewolf droppings?The Doctor sniffed the air again. "Noxema, cheap drugstore fragrance and pheromones. The unmistakable odor of teen angst. The Doctor is a wise man. The air is thick with it. There must be a high school nearby. Two, according to canon. Except one doesn't really exist in reality, but neither does the west coast of Brazil, so who cares, right? Tardis brought us here for some reason, let's go find out what it is." he offered her his hand and she gratefully clasped it gratefully, This is one of those verbose fics. But as you'll see, the author has her reasons. and they walked along the wooded path together for quite some time. It was a beautiful place, if a bit damp, and Rose thought she could be very happy living here, Well, yeah? I assume Forks can't be too rainy for someone from London. if only she could find the right man to make her life complete…as soon as humanly possible, because she was beginning to feel that her life lacked meaning or importance because there was no official man in it. After all, what is a woman without a man? Nothing, really. I guess this is set after she broke it off with Mickey?She was just starting to think she'd better crumple to the dirt and have a long lie-down in the leaves over her lack of man-support when a fast-moving blur knocked her to the ground and the Doctor disappeared. Nooooo! Not the Doctor!"DOCTOR!" Rose shouted, getting to her feet. The forest was silent, except for the sound of a struggle in the distance. She ran toward the sounds and found the Doctor pinned beneath the most handsome man Rose had ever seen since looking at the Doctor. OK, this must be the Tenth Doctor. I was imagening him as Christopher Eccleston up to this point. He was pale and so handsome Rose could hardly believe her eyes. He was beautiful. Guess who this is... He was also biting the Doctor on the neck and drinking his blood. WHAT? Rose, you stupid girl! Do something! The Doctor cried out in pain and tried to force the incredibly handsome, tousle-haired man-beauty off of him. I find that very understandable. Rose wished she was in the Doctor's position, except for the biting and the bleeding. I think the excessive stupid of Bella Swan is polluting the air around Forks."Get off of him!" She cried, but did nothing to stop the attack because that was what women in this universe were supposed to do. Again, I was kind of right. She's just obeyeing the rules of the realitu she's stumbled into. After a moment, she remembered herself and picked up a branch and swung it, striking the angelic killer upside the head. He turned towards her, snarling, and lunged. Rose realized she was going to die at the hands of an angel-faced monster. You know? Maybe the Cullens aren't vampires at all. Maybe they're Weeping Angels?"Rose!" the Doctor cried from his spot on the ground. He was clutching the side of his neck, trying to staunch the bleeding, when the poison hit his bloodstream. He roared with agony and began twisting and wrything in the dirt, helpless to save her. Which was bad because Rose was essentially helpless as well, thanks to her having a vagina. I'm pretty sure she has one in her own canon as well, and it doesn't have that effect on her there.But then, her gorgeous attacker paused. His incredibly beautiful eyes turned to the southeast and he sniffed the air with his perfect nose. As Rose watched, his eyes turned from red to yellow, making him look even more exotically pretty. "Spider monkey," he whispered, and disappeared into the trees. I'm not sure if he's referring to Bella, or if he's smelled some Out Of Place wildlife to prey on.Rose ran to the Doctor's side and grabbed his hand. He was still in the throws of agony and didn't react to her presence. He bucked and twitched, grinding his teeth and shivering as the poison worked its cruel work. After what felt to Rose like a thousand years, he stilled. His hand felt like a snow cone shaped like a hand in hers, Does this reming anyone else of Ariana's style. Not that I think this is her work, but maybe someone who draws inspiration from the same sources. and his sweat was like droplets of ice spilling onto the forest floor. He sat up like he was spring-loaded and looked right through her. "Rose, the Doctor gasped. "My entire biological makeup has shifted. Look at me what do you see?" Rose sat back stunned. "You're so pail." There is NO WAY that was not an intentional typo. She's spelt it correctly about ten times already. She touched his cheek and the Doctor took a deep breath through his nose, smelling her hungrily. "You're skin is ice cold, colder than it usually is." She gasped. "Your eyes! They've changed color from luscious brown to…blood red." As they stared at one another, the sun broke through the clouds and a beam of light hit the Doctor. Wherever the sunlight touched his skin sparkled and twinkled like he was covered in spray glitter. Smexy."It looks like your made out of diamonds," Rose breathed, reaching out to touch him. "You're beautiful." Bella, please give Rose her brain back immediately, and take your own with you home!"No," he said, taking another deep sniff of her. "I'm a predator now. I've moved to the top of the food chain, Rose. And I want to eat you in ways I've not wanted to do before. Hurr hurr hurr. Do you know what I am now?" She swallowed. "I do." "Say it! He demanded." "Vampire." "Vampire Time Lord," he corrected. Thank goodness Serkadios is MiA, or this might have made him lose it. He nearly did when Mariel became a Time Lady in NPFLH.He and Rose looked at one another the way people do when something spooky has just happened. Every chapter is followed by an Author's Note. Let's hear what she has to say about her work. It could be informative.Author's Notes: Silver Bullet Chapter 1I have often been a clumsy, awkward emo girl from Arizona, Are you like Milena, who's been everyone in the world? and in those times I wished someone would move me to a wet place so I could meet a vampire and fall in love. Instead, I started watching Doctor Who Good idea. and thought it would be nice to be Rose Tyler, AND TO MAKE THE DOCTOR A VAMPIRE. SO I DID IT. This song by "The Manhattans" properly sums up the love the Doctor and Rose have for one another, which will be tested by the events in Forks. OK, songdrops. Now it's beginning to resemble CtR.Honey you are my shining star
Don't you go away
WAnna be right here where you are
Until my dying day. Yeah, baby!
So many have tried, tried to find
A love like yours and mine
Mmm-hmmm
Girl don't you realize how you hypnotize
Make me love you more each time?
Yeah, baby.Sometimes I like to spell vampire with a y. Not like so it spells "vampirey" but "vampyre". Hey Traitor? Does that annoy you as much as "faerie"? Because it sure annoys ME. I wish there were more reviews on this story. Not having enough makes me feel rancid. I'll review your story. Line by line, even. Now, go take a shower.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 3, 2013 5:51:06 GMT -8
The chapters of this work of art are pretty short, so why don't we have another one and its A/N?
Rose couldn't stop staring at how beautiful the Doctor was in the sunlight. "You're beautiful in the sunlight," she whispered, OK, now she's channeling Alex. Please stop that at the speech pattern. reaching again to cup his icy cheek. He closed his eyes, tragically, which just made him more beautiful, because of his long David Tennant lashes And now I'm reminded of Lady of Sorrow! brushing against his now glittering vampire cheeks.
"Stop it," he cried with a pained voice pushing her hand away. "Don't touch me. You smell like heroin."
That has a smell? Actually, I don't want to know.
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What are we going to do?" Rose asked. "I mean, do you have to turn back? Because you really look good like this." All she could think about was marrying him and making herself complete by being Mrs. The Doctor.
I think he'd have to use an alias again, like when he was the Smith guy.
The Doctor scowled, which only enhanced his twinkling gorgeousness. "Could we focus on something beyond the fact that I'm now both pretty and disco fabulous in sunlight? Hahahaha! He's this fic's Sanity Oracle. I'm a killer – a predator – a murderer – a monster! This is tragic and sad, and the state of my complexion should be the least of our worries."
"I'm sorry Rose said. Looking at the grass.
"What do we know about vampires," the Doctor asked?
Don't tell me the Doctor doesn't have basic knowledge of vampires?
"Wait a second!" Rose cried. "I know! I know this! I saw this movie once, called 'The Lost Boys.' You're only half-vampire now, until you make your first kill."
Yes, but this is the Twilight canon. Maybe you ought to watch that instead, since it apparently exists within its own reality. (That came out wrong.)
"Which I could do right this second," the Doctor muttered hungrily into the back of his hand.
"How's that?" Rose asked.
"Which I'm not going to do at all," the Doctor said, grinning and showing her for the first time the fangs that had grown in to replace those one teeth by the front teeth, but like two behind. Oh, you mean the canines? Why are they called "canines" again? I mean, cats have them too! The felines are being systematically ignored, discriminated against and even killed by people who can't accept who they were born as! I hereby declare that the 3rrd of August shall be Feline Rights Awareness Day! Rose felt a flare of sexyness in her stomach Uh. at the sight of him so transformed.
"You're so beautiful," she said with a sigh.
"Stop it!" he shouted. "I can smell your sex pheromones rising. Do you find me attractive like this?"
Durr hurr?
"Did becoming one of the hungry undead make you stupid?" Rose asked. "What have I been saying?"
"Come here," he said, grabbing her roughly and pulling her into a rough embrace. He parted his soft, sparkling lips No, no and no. His lips are now stone. His lips were as soft as the pallid rose, cring like my green tears of joy and great depression. His lips were rosy, they were white, they were polite, they were echoes, they were substitution, they were limited they were prayers they were ladies they were john barrowman. His lips were like a bike that had been hired, yet was still in good condition. His lips were like a good TV signal. Good, but not great. and kissed her, letting his new fangs brush against her mouth in a way that was both threatening and arousing. Like when Dally kissed Hiei. Seriously, has this writer read all the same fics as me? She wanted him to bite her right then, to turn her into one of him so they could be together forever and she'd never have to think for herself again. That's very tempting sometimes, but then I remember that women fought and died for my right to have to think for myself, and I change my mind. Suddenly the Doctor broke the kiss and threw her hard against a tree.
Izzy: That's gonna leave a bruise. I've got this potion you can take.
"I did it," he breathed, clutching his chest. "I didn't bite you. I'm stronger than I thought."
"I'm not, Rose said, running back for another kiss. The Doctor meant to push her gently aside, but his new vampire strength made him launch her into the treetops. I would have loved to see Edward accidentally doing that to Bella. She crashed to the leaves and stayed there, watching him move towards her with his new, graceful vampire speed.
"You can't," he said. "I'll bite you. You'll turn into a vampire, and then what?"
"Why does there have to be anything after that?" Rose asked. "We'll be together. That's kind of the point of being alive, finding someone and being with them."
"Knock it off!" The Doctor cried. "Stop it, or I won't let you look at my sparkles any more."
That would have made Bella cry.
Rose grabbed her head. "I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't know what's come over me. I'm not like this. It must be all the rain and the angst in the air."
That's what I've been telling you!
"It's all right," he said, putting his arm around her. I could smell her, Oh no. You're not going to do the POV-jumps. No sir. her gorgeous heroin scent filling my lungs. My respiratory bypass, undamaged by my shift into vampire form, held on to her scent like a child's hand clutching at the last broken rose of summer. I could have pulled her hair back and plunged my teeth into her neck at any point, but I didn't. Why? Because I loved her, even though I couldn't say so out loud. I wanted her, in every sence of the word. To love her, to devour her, to make her mine for all eternity. It would be rather convenient, Rose being a vampire. She could excuse the sparkling as too much shimmery body lotion, Why didn't the Cullen girls think of that? and she'd never die. Actually, yes. She'd die when the transformation started. She'd just never stop unliving. Handy, that. Maybe we could be together. I should just go ahead and do it.
He reached his hand out to her. "Come with me."
He lifted me onto his back Oh, and now it's RPOV. like I was some sort of human rucksack, and the Doctor began to run. Now, we had run together before in the past, but never like this. This was like running at a really high rate of speed. Things were going by so FAST, and it was a really quick trip before he stopped running and our trip together was over. I hated to slide down off his back, because I loved being that close to his beauty, His tweed-covered back is beautiful? but when I saw where we were, I couldn't help but be in awe of even more beautiful things. We were in a meadow, thick with wildflowers and bright with sunlight. He took off his trenchcoat and suitcoat and jacket, showing me his gorgeous, beautiful, diamond-crusted skin, and lead me to the centre of the meadow.
"What do you think of me now?" he asked. "What do you think of your two-hearted alien-turned-vampire almost-but-not-quite-boyfriend NOW?"
"I love you," Rose said. "I can't stop looking at you, wanting to be with you, wanting to spend the rest of my life and yours with you taking care of me."
You know, Rose. I kind of think he get's the idea by now.
"I want to devour you, and not at all in the romantic way," the Doctor cried, gnashing his sizeable teeth. "I want to rip your throat out and drink your life blood until you're a withered shell."
Rain: Like Lauren, tee hee hee. It's OK, though. I went back in time and stopped her from being eaten by myself.
"Then, do it!" I shouted, spinning in the wildflowers! "Eat me, Doctor!"
"You don't know what your asking," he answered in a brooding sort of tone of voice.
Is brooding a vampire thing? I thought it was just an Edward thing.
I answered, "Neither do you – you've only been a vampire for less than five minutes."
"How can you look at me and see something good?" he cried. Actually cried this time. Tears. "I was a Time Lord, a hero. Now all I want to do is drink every last drop of your precious blood."
"Do it, then," Rose said. The sun broke through the clouds again and the light from the Doctor's twinkling body was blinding. They stared at one another, so deeply in love they both couldn't hardly stand it. She touched his face. He touched mine.
Okay, so there are actually three people standing there touching face?
"How long have I been in love with you," He asked. His red eyes were so pretty.
So much deprezzing evilness and sorrow.
"As long as I've been in love with you," Rose answered.
I was in pain looking at her. "You are my life now, Rose Tyler. And so," I said. "The hungry guy fell in love with his lunch."
"Stupid lunch."
"Sick, masochistic hungry guy."
That was a lot less cringeworthy than the original version.
They kissed as the sun moved in and out of the clouds, sometimes making them look like a girl making out with a disco ball, Pffffffffhahahahaaaaaaa! sometimes not so much.
"We've got to stop," the Doctor gasped, backing away from Rose and ending up fifty feet away.
"What?" Rose shouted to him from across the meadow.
He closed the distance once more and was sitting beside her. "Rose, I don't want to be a vampire. I want to turn back into my old self."
She shrugged. "Then we have to find the head vampire and kill him or her. That doesn't work in Twilight's reality, I'm afraid. Once you disco, you can't stop. Do you think that one that did this to you, that really gorgeous, handsome one, was the head vampire?"
That would be giving Eddkikins musch too much credit.
The Doctor was giving her a look. "Gorgeous? Really? Did you think he looked good as he was trying to rip my throat out?"
Yes. She did.
Rose looked at the ground and said nothing. The Doctor rolled his eyes and went to get dressed again.
"No," he said. "I don't think he was the head vampire. Head vampire wouldn't have left me to change like that without offering some sort of orientation."
"What, were you expecting a pamphlet?" Rose asked.
Or a roll of parchment. Is it really too much to ask?
"We've got to root out who the head vampire in Forks is…Or, at least, who the sire is that created the one that we met in the woods. He looked like a young man. No more than a teenager. Yes, but his "father" doesn't look all that much older. That means, Rose Tyler, that we are probably going to have to infiltrate what is doubtless the largest and most important building in all of Forks." He slid her onto his back and ran through the forest until they found themselves standing at the crest of a wooded ridge looking down on the aforementioned largest and most important building in town.
Forks High School.
If we are to believe the books, the school is the only building in town. Other architechture is barely granted a mention.
Author's Notes: Silver Bullet - Chapter 2
Why won't you answer my emails? I send at least a dozen an hour, This isn't good... and I KNOW you've read them, because I log into your account and check your "read" messages. Stop ignoring me! What is it that I did to make you so angry? I think you have already answered that question. Was it the rabbit? You did something bad to an innocent bunny? I declare that the 4th of August will hereby be known as Rabbit Oppression Awareness Day. And the first thing to be aware of is that people eat these innocent furballs! The rabbit was too much, but I tried to make up for it. If you would just love me the way I tell you to love me, IT WOULDN'T HURT SO MUCH!
I think we may have an actual sociopath.
When I was in school, I had classes like "Spelling" and "Gym" and "Other Stuff." It was super hard. Why am I not surprised you thought so? I learned about words like "paragraphing" and "run on sentences," but I never bothered with learning what they meant, because it was good enough that I had the words in my arsenal to throw in people's faces to show them just how damn smart I was.
Kind of like Bella, come to think of it.
This chapter expresses the full spectrum of my knowledge. So in other words, it's very limited? Some stories tell themselves. This one didn't. I had to tell it, because I am the only one who can.
Your reviews have made me strong. PLZ keep sending them because only through them and your suggestions can I grow as a writer. What would I do without reviews? I only wish I could get some seriously nasty concrit from someone who really wanted to see me improve. Careful what you wish for. What I need is a severe verbal lashing from a clearly superior intellect who can talk about how stupid I am Look no further! to build up my writing confidence and make me write That's better than letting your dad feel your boobs at night. Just. Like. Them. Because everyone knows there's only one way to write, and there's only one group on this website that knows how to do it.
Up next in Silver Bullet, we go to Forks High School. I already have my gym uniform on. How about you?
I prefer to remain in my civilian clothing, thank you.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 4, 2013 9:57:24 GMT -8
Chapter three, ladies and gents, where our heroes go to the legendary Forks High.
It was torture saying goodbye to the Doctor when he brought me to the woods at the edge of the school the next morning. We couldn't stop kissing one another, and he couldn't stop sniffing my neck.
"It's only for a few hours," he said, licking my throat like it was an ice lolly. "We can bear the separation. I'll be back with the TARDIS. You find the boy and figure out where he lives, and we'll go kill him and any other vampyres Grrr... that might be with him, and then I'll go back to being me and we can get out of here."
"You'd better go," I said, pushing him back into the trees. "The sun is coming out."
Even beneath the thick forest canopy, a few beams of sunlight found him and he began to twinkle. The sight of him made Rose want to stay with him for the rest of her life again, just so she could watch him shimmer.
"Go, he whispered nodding towards the school. "Go now and come back to me as soon as you can."
Rose turned to leave, looking back at me reluctantly. I could have dragged her into the trees and bit her right then, but I was still able to resist the vampiric impulses. Doesn't that actually get easier in time? I wasn't sure when we'd decided that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, Me neither. but Rose seemed okay with it so I was too. I missed her already.
"I miss you already!" I yelled from the trees.
"I feel very horny," said Alex. He was feeling very horny.
I turned around to look at him one more time. "I miss you more!"
He watched her leave, clutching a handful of leaves and weeping into the back of his hand. Just out of curiosity, he sniffed it but found that it didn't smell half as good as Rose did. He's not thiniing about drinking his own blood? Rose smelled like the most delicious delicacy in the world, made especially just for him. Which apparently is heroin. How delicious it would be to tear her jugular vein out of her neck and drink every last drop until she fell, a white and dried husk, to the ground. He loved her so.
Rain: This is so romantically goffick! It reminds me of my love for James and my faithful friend Ripp. I remember when he ate Eric's skin! LOL!
As he watched her go into the school, another scent came to him on the breeze and his eyes turned darker red. There was one scent in the universe that could compete with the intoxicating heroin smell of Rose Tyler, and he scrambled back into the woods to go find it.
This next scene is Rose's POV. It gets a little confusing here.
The psychic paper Don't they use crystal balls and tea leaves? said my name was Jolie Peacock, That's not an embarrasing name at all? that I was a foreign exchange student from England and that was enough for the women in the office. I was given a schedule and my first class was history, which was boring. No sign of the vampire that had attacked my love and turned him into such a beautiful, exotic thing. As if he weren't exotic already, being an alien and all, but now he was like a beautiful painting made out of glitter. So he looks like Christina Aguilera on a bad day. And those eyes. Red was his color, to be certain. And those fangs, so eloquently pointy….I realized after several minutes that I'd drawn his picture and written his name all over the pages of my history book.
And what IS his name? Because if you know that, you know everything.
Rose looked out the window and saw the Doctor standing just outside it, watching her study. She blinked and he was gone again.
Great. A vampiric stalker Time Lord isn't creepy at all.
Gym class followed history, and Rose didn't see the vampire in their either, but she did make friends with the unexceptional, pale and unfriendly Bella Swan. Well done! Being Bella's friend is next to impossible. Rose is getting on really well in her Sueducation. It was hard to reach her around the throng of male admirers, and mostly all Bella did was look at the ground and make odd sort of grunty, half laughing sounds, but Rose needed her friendship desperately from the moment she laid eyes on her.
Poor Rose, sucked into the Black Hole.
Bella introduced Rose to her friends Jessica and the other girl whose name I can't remember, Rain: Rain Cordelia Anguish Irmengarde Woe Bennett. But just Rain will do nicely. and the four girls ate lunch together in the very fancy cafeteria. No matter how I tried, I couldn't choke down any of my beefy mac. That sounds like really gross school lunch, so I don't blame her. All I could think about was the Doctor and the depth of my endlesslove. The sooner I found that stupid vampire boy, the sooner I could get back to him and we could be together again.
But Rose... if you turn the Doctor back to normal, he won't be as beautiful anymore. Are you sure you want to do this?
As if on cue, like it was some sort of movie or something, the vampire boy in question walked through the cafeteria, That scene was soooo cheesy. That's when I gave up my attempt at actually watching the movie on Youtube. balancing a tray on one hand. It had an apple and what looked like a juice bottle filled with red liquid on it. PANDA BLOOD! THAT BASTARD! As he walked past the table where the girls were sitting, the apple fell from the tray and landed in Bella's hands. Everyone now: "Awwwwwww!" The vampire boy bent down and took a long, sensual bite of the apple poised on her palm, letting the juice run all over Bella's hands and arms. He handed the tray off to Rose and licked the juice from Bella's skin, and then took the tray again.
And Bella didn't pee herself?
"I'm sorry," he said in his sensual voice and walked away hurriedly to sit with the other four pasty teenagers in a corner of the cafeteria.
"Who was that?" Rose asked.
"Edward Cullen," Stephanie said. "Forget it. He's so not into anyone at this school. Believe me, I tried."
Stephanie?!!?! I think the fourth wall may need some immediate repairs.
Rose was filled with the overwhelming impulse to get up and steak Liek in My Immortal, durr hurr! the vampyre boy through the heart with the spoon from her beefy mac, but she knew that the spoon was stainless steel rather than silver, so it would do no good.
Doesn't good old-fashioned wood also do the trick? Or beheading and burning them?
"Where do they live?" Rose asked.
"Outside town. They're the foster kids of Dr. Cullen, but like some of them are together." Somebody said.
Rain: My name is RAIN. R for Rain, A for Anguish, I for Irmengarde, N for Night. Rain!
"Address," Rose said. "I don't care who's with whom, I want to know what street they live on."
"Places outside town don't have street names," Jessica said. "Duh."
By the time the Duh had left her mouth, Rose was gone.
Meanwhile…
This is TARDIS speaking!
I was waiting in a corpse Um, ew? of trees So, a wood pile? for the Doctor to return. It had been so long since I'd seen him, and the wait was killing me. I couldn't go after him, of course, Legit question, because I haven't watched all that many episodes: Can the TARDIS travel on its own? but I wanted to find him. He had been so strange the night before, barely said a word to me. Which was most unusual for him.
He appeared out of the trees and I was so happy to see him. My Doctor. Nobody else's. Posessive much? He'd been changed, and there was a new sort of energy around him but he was endlessly mine.
"Hello sexy," he said as he approached me. "I smelled you from the other end of the woods."
I opened myself to him and he came inside.
That sounded like an innuendo, if I ever saw one.
He ran his fingers across me as he walked around my heart, caressing everywhere he touched. I was filled to bursting with love for him, no matter what form he'd taken, and to have him showing his love back to me was something I didn't get quite half often enough.
Poor TARDIS.
"You're a living thing, you know," he said to me. If I could have spoken, I would have answered, but since I couldn't, I didn't. I waited.
"I'm a vampire now," he said, approaching one of my coral struts. "Do you know what vampires want to do to living things?"
UH-OH!
I had a hope in my heart of an answer, but I daren't speak it, especially since I couldn't.
He ran his hands up and down my pillar before opening his mouth wide to show me his new sharp teeth. "We want to do this," he said, and plunged his bite deep into my structure. And. Began. To Drink.
I don't even.
I shuddered, groaning, my Time Rotor grinding up and down with the frantic beating of my enormous and ancient heart. I don't know exactly what substance he was drinking out of me, I would guess gear oil. but the sensation was beyond amazing. I submitted to him, not only because I couldn't actually move without being controlled, but because I wanted it.
Suddenly, just before he'd drained the pillar, he jumped back. "Rose! He cried, and ran out of my doors. He left me, just like that, bitten and already starting to turn. He left me for her. I hated him for it. And then I really began to turn.
Would YOU have wanted to travel through time and space in a vampire TARDIS?
The Doctor could hear the TARDI's making unnatural, screamy type noises How is that possible, when it can't speak? as he ran back to the woods to wait for Rose, but he didn't turn back. He couldn't. He knew what would be waiting there. It would be awful. For him to see. So he didn't. He'd have to look at it later. When there was no choice but to look. Then he'd be helpless. To look. At what he'd done. To the TARDIS. Just then.
You need more ........s.
Author's Notes: Silver Bullet - Chapter 3
I used to have this dog called Rusty.
I used to have this cat called Rufus.
This story is taking so much out of me, you would not believe. I have to put my feet up every night after writing a chapter, and eat at least three pints of plain yoghurt with crushed up wheat germ in it to calm the upsetedness of my stomach and soul. Nom, yoghurt! I prefer Wild Berries flavour. It's got real blueberries in it. Norwegian blueberries, not those oversized imported ones. Even that barely works. Afterwards, I snort a bowl of Sleepytime tea That would probably be more effective if you actually drank it. and watch reruns of "The Great Space Coaster"
You mean this stuff?
until my mind is totally blown and I'm able to get 15 minutes of sleep before having to get up and start work on the story again.
Is anyone forcing you to write it?
There was a psuedo-sexual, metafictional buildup of dramatic tension between the Doctor and the TARDIS during "The Seduction Scene," Yes, we noticed that. and I hope that my motives were properly conveyed. I was trying to channel Marcel Proust, and Jack Kerouack, and George Orwell. And just a little bit of Helen Middletonhoneychurch. Because I have read a whole bunch of really fancy writers, and that means I'm smart. No, it does not. Exhibit #1: Bella Swan. Because if I can reference things like "Dante's Inferno" when discussing fan fiction, that makes me the most bestest intellectual person that ever was a thinker. Cos I like big words, and I like telling people how smart I am, in between telling bad writers that I vomited all over myself reading their fiction. You should really read Raelynn's Twilight Fanfic. That's just how smart I am. Also, if I was as smartest as I wanted to be, I would write more video game fanfiction, but I'm just not that sophisticated. I wish I could be Master Chief. Every day I put on the helmet and say my magic words, but nothing happens. I'm still just me, a greasy loser in my bedroom, full of wishing and big words.
I just had a horrible thought. Master Chief, Dr Who and Twilight... could this be the same people who wrote Lady of Sorrow? We need to keep an eye out for really random crossovers being tossed in.
Rose was in the cafeteria eating beefy mac.
1.25 pounds of ground beef
2 cans stewed tomatoes
Chopped celery
Chopped onions
Elbow macaroni
Heat up the oil How much, and does it matter what type? Because olive oil is kind of expensive, so many people like to substitute it with sunflower seed oil. and cook the celery Is celery really necessary? I always feel that it overpowers every other flavour. Can I substitute bell pepper, for example? and the onion until nice and soft. Add the ground beef and brown until browned. Dump in the cans of tomatoes and let it cook for a bit. Can I use pureed tomato? I don't really like canned tomatoes. You want a bunch of liquid, because when things are almost done, you throw in the dry macaroni and stir in. How much liquid is a "bunch"? I don't like it when noodle dishes become too watery. But then, if it boils dry, you need to add more liquid and that makes it taste like it's not properly cooked. Would it be a better idea to cook the macarony seperately and add it when it was ready? Cover and cook until the macaroni is done. Serve with cheese or without. Is the cheese mixed in, or sprinkled on top? This is kind of like goulash as well, I'm pretty sure goulash has much more vegetables, and noodles are optional. but call it beefy mac and eat it and shut up.
Dunno. Maybe I should rather try a completely different recipe.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 4, 2013 11:55:25 GMT -8
Now that you mention it, this was written during the trollfic contest. It could be a contestant who didn't get noticed… Or I'm just reading too much into this. But it's hilarious either way. ETA (you posted the third chapter after I loaded the page ^^'): did I just read a doctor/tardis smut scene?
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 4, 2013 15:20:51 GMT -8
Yes. Yes you did. If this was one of our contestants, it was a really good one. Too bad they never came forward to get their awards. Speaking of awards, I won Twilight Sue's Most WTF Name for guess who.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 5, 2013 3:19:27 GMT -8
Really? Congratulations x)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 6, 2013 1:41:54 GMT -8
Last time on Silver Bullet, the Doctor lost control of his bloodlust and bit the TARDIS. Let's see how that pans out.The change was compleat. I was a killer. A monster. A predator. I ran away - from him, from HER, from the whole wet Pacific Northwestern nightmare to a time and a place where I knew I would find love. And a snack. So apparently the TARDIS can move on its own in this story.I materialized inside Torchwood hub, right behind him. I couldn't tell him to turn around, but I didn't have to. He did it. He smelled so delicious I couldn't wait for him to get inside. "Doctor?" Jack asked getting up from his chair. The Tardis doors opened, but nobody came outside. The first thought that crossed my mind was that something terrible had happened to the Doctor, and the tardis had come to get me to help him. I put on my really good looking overcoat and walked inside. In case anyone has forgotten what Jack Harkness looks like, or never watched Dr. Who, I present to you Helena's detailed description of him:His hair was butch and ecstatic. It was like an anecdote gone well. It was black. It was hairy and moist. His hair was studded, it was cream, it was darkest black, it was blackest black, it was hot, it was a caravan in the rain. His hair was like really really realy really really really rally really really nice savageness. His hair was almost as hot as cloud strife's. His back was spiny and rippled, it was crying, it was flash, it was like a petri dish of coloured germs. His back was crippling to look at, his individual spines stuck out like tiny caterpillars on those high seas of the shelves in ASDA. His nose was like an electric socket with water on it. His nose was a snowglobe with MCR inside. it was a knife carving chicken, it was a beautiful fragment of magnet. His penis was like a chav on a council estate. It was like a woodpecker on a sandwich of justice. His eyes were sparking like a vampire or lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. His eyes were grace, they were slender, his middle was like a washing machine water bath. His mouth was a bird bath. His whole face was rippled like a galaxy ripple. His skin was the texture of a crunchy. His lips were like a broken Hershey bar, his lips were oranges, they were geese, they were the fragrance of a smelly cheese. His lips were like lemonade or limeade or appleade or sparkling water. Maybe coca cola, maybe. Depends how I feel at the time. His eyes were sharp. His claws were gravel, they were razors, they were gryphons. His wings were shiny and scaly, like the songbird heralding the dawn. His wings were like dawn. His beak was as hot as Gerard way's liver. His beak was red raw and black and brown. His marks on his head were hot, like a small tortoise on the shelves of ASDA. His arm was damaged from his hotness. His arm was captain jack harkness and captain jack sparrow in one. His teeth were like pick-up-sticks. It was a shame he was gay.The doors slammed shut behind me. I turned, and the time rotor began to move and I knew I was being taken somewhere. He walked around the console, calling for the Doctor. "Doctor?" There was no answer. Who could answer him? There was only me. He put his hands on me and I took the advantage, no longer able to control myself. "OUCH!" Jack cried, he tried to jump away from the thing that had hurt his hand, but his hand was stuck to the console. "What the?" He pulled and pulled, but there was no way to escape. Oh no! The TARDIS is eating Captain Jack!Then the poison hit his bloodstream, and he began to ! I hate how FF.net deletes words with repeated vowels!The Doctor was waiting for Rose at the trees where he'd last seen her. He knew she was coming, despite there being 3 more hours left in the school day. He could smell her. It was a good thing there wasn't a lot of wind in the area, so all this smelling could happen. Rose came bounding up the hillside and jumped into the doctors arms and he spun her around. She was happy. He was happy. They were happy together. My head is now totally playing that comedy skit where the lovers are running towards each other, and then they miss and slam into trees."I found him", she said. "He's called Edward Cullen and he lives outside town on a street with no name." They kissed passionately with the news. Only kissing? Don't we get squicky sex scenes in this fic? It's already the fourth chapter, which traditionally contains gross smut.The Doctor nodded There's only one road outside town, so they must live there. I bet they have unofficial addresses like "25 The Road by Large Rock". He's at school now, but they'll be home later, so we'll go later when they're home and slaughter them all so I can turn back into myself and not be this horrible monstrosity anymore! Just then, Jack Harkness bursted through the bushes to find them. The sun came out and Rose gasped. Jack, too, was now a sparkling, beautiful, red-eyed vampire. So he wasn't totally devoured. I wonder if drinking vehicle blood is concidered vegetarianism? I wonder how the Volturi feel about vampire TARDISes."Jack!" Rose cried. "Rose!" Jack cried. "Jack!" The Doctor Cried. "Doctor!" Jack cried. "Doctor?" Rose asked. But you knew he was there. You kissed him five seconds ago."The TARDIS!" Jack cried, showing off his sparkly well muscled arms. "The TARDIS?" Rose asked. "The TARDIS…" the Doctor, said thoughtfully. "You too?" Jack asked. The Doctor frowned. "Other way round." "Hang on a second," Rose said. "You BIT THE TARDIS?" "You're a VAMPIRE?" Jack asked! Wasn't that obvious?"Yes and yes!" The Doctor cried, pushing away from his friends. "Don't judge me!" Rose frowned. "So, everyone get's to be a vampire but me?" "I don't want to be a vampire!" Jack cried. "Me either the Doctor cried. "We're going to kill Edward Cullen. That will fix everything." I don't mind them doing that, but where did they get the idea that it will work?At least, I thought it would fix everything. I hoped it would. I didn't know for sure. I looked at the Doctor and Jack and wished with all my heart that I could be like them. I looked at Rose and the Doctor and wished with all my heart that we could have met again under far better circumstances. I looked at Jack and Rose and wanted to bite them both. It was near dark when the three friends found the Cullens's house. It was a huge house, mostly glass and windows, out in the middle of nowhere on a different road with no name than the one the Doctor first thought it was on. The Doctor climed to the top of a tree with Rose on his back and she was now sitting on his shoulders with a sniper rifle. Isn't the tenth Doctor the one who doesn't care for guns?"There he is Rose said. "Playing the piano and looking gorgeously tragic." He's practicing to go on tour with PFP."Blow his brains out," The Doctor said. "I'm getting sick of this vampire schtick." Rose cited her weapon and fired. By the way, it had a silencer on it so nobody could know where the shot came from. No but the trajectory path might be a clue? And even a silencer doesn't completely remove the sound, so a vampire with super-hearing would definitely be tipped off and able to duck in time. But that probably won't matter here. The glass in the piano room shattered and Edward dodged. The bullet. OK, it mattered. I should have guessed killing off Edward wouldn't be that easy. It buryed itself in the piano. The piano shuddered, gasped, and fell dead with a musical thud. The piano died? "Dam it!" Rose shouted. "I missed!" Edward looked out the window in their direction, eyes glowing red with fury. I'd be angry if someone killed my piano, too."What happened?" the kind of skanky looking blonde girl from the movie yelled as she came into the room, holding a bowl of salad. So she's an actual vegetarian? Rose raised the rifle and shooted again. The salad bowl exploded and the blonde chick shuddered, gasped, and, fell, dead, with a less musical thud. "Whatever your name is!" Edward cried, Rosalie, I presume? rushing to the girl's side. He saw the smouldering wound There isn't likely to be much gun powder residue around the wound when the shot was fired from such a distance. Then again, I have all my knowledge of ballistics from TV cops. and hissed, backing away. "Silver," he said. Part of me was sad for having killed his sort of sister, but not much of me. I looked down at the Doctor. His eyes glowed red. "Nothing's changed," He said, sadly, "I'm still a vampire. And your calf is looking very tasty." "Don't bite!" I cried, pointing the gun at him. She finally smartened up. It startled him so that he fell out of the tree, me with him. Good thing Jack was with us, and a vampire himself, because he caught us and set us down on the ground without a scratch. "I got one of them," Rose said. It was hard to think about what she was saying when she smelled so delicious. Of course, her scent was even more intoxicating to the Doctor (I knew this because we were psychically linked because of him biting the TARDIS and then the TARDIS biting me) I could have bitten the Doctor, too, but he was already one of us so that would do no good. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be fun! Hee hee hee…. I guess it's Jack talking.We were about to leave when we heard a rustling sound in the bushes. We turned in time to see a bug-eyed scrawny guy with curly hair leap out at us. Would that be Jasper? Rose raised her rifle and fired. The bullet found it's' mark and he collapsed midleap in a heap. We walked over and the Doctor kicked the still form onto i'ts back. Jack checked the body and we all waited. We could hear people calling for Jasper in the distance. Well, in NPFLH he became a Dalek. I guess that's kind of worse than death."Dead." He said, looking pleased. The Doctor ran his tongue over his teeth. "No change," he said sadly. "Still a vampire." Rose huffed. "One of them has to be the head vampire! And I'm out of bullet's." The bushes parted and the rest of the Cullenses were standing there. Oh no! Here follows the A/N, with explaination for the confusing POV.In this chapter, I dared to create a new literary form. Experimenting with POV (Or…"pov," as it is pronounced), Does anyone actually say "pov"? I have come up with yet another point of view through which the narrative can be expressed. I like to call it "Fourth Person Omniscient Limited." It is the collected experience of a group of related characters all standing together in one place. In this case, the Doctor, Rose and Jack were my FPOLPOV group, and I feel that I was beyond successful with it. I wuld dare to disagree. I was innovative. The group mentality was expressed in such a way that it felt as if I were seeing Marxism in action. Is that actually a good thing? This POV (or "pov" as it is pronounced) would be extremely successful when put into use by people who are in groups a lot, like teams and clubs and friends who tend to hang out together. Look into the use of this POV for "Saved By The Bell" fics, in particular. I give you permission to use it, as long as you give me credit for its creation. Maybe Ariana could try it on one of her Glee fics.Edward's piano was a difficult character to kill in this chapter. Yeah, that was so sad! Being a fan of pianos, and having spent several years as a piano myself, I have no idea, but I'm guessing it's something sexual. it was hard to have Rose shoot and kill the vampire piano, but in the end it had to be done. The piano was also a vampire? What could Edward possibly drink from that? Sap? Wire-grease? (I only own an electronic piano, so I have no idea if you actually grease the wires.)You must understand that things must be killed for fiction to have meaning. Nobody cares what happens in a story if nobody is slaughtered in a most horrible and emotionally emotional way. Tell that to Stephenie Meyer. Somebody one time said "Murder your darlings." I take that to mean "Kill off all your characters." But rules are made to be broken, so some will be left alive. But who? WHO? Dr. Who? That is for you to read and find out. What is it you want from me, people? I am but a humble shoemaker, cobbling story shoes out of words for your eye feet to wear. How can you dance all over my dreams the way you do, putting heel marks in them? I am a slave to this story. You will accept nothing but it. So I eat my muselix and I take my lumps Sounds appetizing. and I let you beat my soul into submission because STORY is first. What else is there in life, but perhaps the understanding that eventually, the ice cream man cometh, but he doesn't have the little Snoopy ice cream bars any more. And never will again. That is so sad!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 6, 2013 5:40:55 GMT -8
Her PoV tirade is ridiculous and the way it randomly changes is even more ridiculous --' Although I am curious to see it used by Ariana too, now. Ariana? Do you still lurk our forums? ^-^
How does a TARDIS even bite? (also it can sort of move on its own, in a very limited way. See the way it got Rose back to Earth in the Series One finale, or how it carried Clara in the recent episode Hide. Clara was obviously not driving the Tardis then, at least not completely)
Also I think this is also a Disney movie on top of a Twilight/Doctor Who crossover. It would explain how a bowl of salad and a piano can die (also I'm sure the bowl of salad is a reference to the first Twilight movie, where Rosalie drops one too, though it's out of anger there). And no, you don't grease the wires of a piano; there's literally nothing to drink in there.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 11, 2013 1:04:41 GMT -8
How does a TARDIS even bite? I don't think it would have to. People go inside it, and then it devours them and spits out the petrified remains.
Also... oh. my. goodness. I found some scraps I wrote approximately a decade ago. To say it sucked would be an understatement. I have no right to pick on other people's authoring skills. Let me give you some selected bits (edited to make sense out of context)."I was turned down," said Person One. "They said the task was too hard, and that I didn't have it in me." "Maybe that's true," Person Two said comfortingly. He was really cute and she couldn't stop trying to look at him, but she tried to not look at him because she didn't want him to think she was looking at him. Then he turned towards her, and she noticed that he was looking at her. "I've always been big and strong and stuff, and loved playing sports. So my stepfather gleefully discriminated me, because he held prejudices in his heart against sport-freaks. So he was all 'You're fat and you need to exercise your brain and become a geek so you'll fit into our intelligent family.' And I was all 'You're not my dad.'" "Let's have a conversation where we mention as many of the people we know as we possibly can. I go to school with Ryan." "My best friend has a crush on his brother Ben." "I talked to Greg the other day, and he told me something about our mutual friend Tim, who BTW just left the scene." "Jason is on vacation." "Joe once mentioned something about this other friend of ours, also named Ben, who also just left." "I thought Ethan would be home, but he's not. He must have gone out. But not with Kevin." "The situation feels very awkward, because there is a guy in the room I have a crush on, and that makes me terrified. So let's make it less awkward by sharing a totally funny anecdote about my mentally unstable history teacher." "I don't read about news or science or politics and stuff, because I'm not fourty." "We all need to angst a lot, because our lives have all been very different and that means we can never truly understand each other. Only people who have suffered in the exact same manner can be comfortable around each other, and share a friendship as equals. The rest of us must watch from the side-lines, surrounded by our inpenetrable bubbles of privilege and ignorance." This is prose. It is beige. Beige is a good colour for prose. That's why this is beige. Because it's prose.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 11, 2013 12:53:05 GMT -8
That first dialogue was strangely funny xD
Also beige prose x)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 11, 2013 13:32:20 GMT -8
It wasn't just the prose that was beige. The action was pretty off-white. There was a lot of "Nobody is at home at my place, so let's go over to your place, where nobody is at home, and not watch TV."
Does the first conversation get any better with the knowledge that Person Two is the same guy who has the discriminating step-father? That life story was part of the same dialogue of comiseration.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 17, 2013 10:25:34 GMT -8
Riiight! Let's have another chapter plus A/N of Silver Bullet. And yet again we will see similarities to other stories well known to and loved by us.
Interlude Musicale.
Tune: Hello, by Lionel Richie.
Just in case someone don't actually know the tune, it goes like this.
I've been alone with you inside my mind, Doctor And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times, Doctor. I sometimes see you pass outside my door. Hello, is it me you're looking for?
But... these are the actual lyrics. You're supposed to be altering them to reference the story in a funny way!
I can see it in your eyes, Rose I can see it in your smile You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are open wide, Rose! 'Cause you know just what to say And you know just what to do And I want to tell you so much, I love you – But I can't. Time Lord restraint forbids it.
I guess she just spoke that last part.
I long to see the sunlight in your hair, TARDIS. And tell you time and time again how much I care Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow, TARDIS! Hello, I've just got to let you know
'Cause I wonder where you are, Jack. And I wonder what you do at Torchwood OK, that's a referance at least. Now all that's missing is funny. Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you? Or a lot of people? Tell me how to win your heart, Jack. For I haven't got a clue But let me start by saying, I love you.
Hello, is it me you're looking for, Doctor, Rose and TARDIS? 'Cause I wonder where you guys all are And I wonder what you do when I'm not there. Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you all? At the same time? Tell me how to win your hearts (as applicable) For I haven't got a clue, guys But let me start by saying I love you all.
Not really a great choice of song. It's a little 90s and sticky sweet, but not overwhelmingly daft like My Jeans or disgustingly offensive like Chris Brown or Nicki Minaj. And most importantly, it is not Bruno Mars.
I know some of you have missed Bruno, so here he is with his hipster hat and tragically symbolic piano. Now, for the Author's Notes:
Chapter 5 Notes.
This chapter was about music. No, it was the lyrics to one specific song. And people not knowing where other people are. But last chapter they were all in the forest together. Because vampires are sneaky, and so are ninjas. I knew a ninja once. He peeked in people's windows at night to scare them, and then ran away, climbing walls in a puff of smoke.
And that didn't make you feel a little uneasy?
Which makes me think of the Doctor. He's like a ninja-vampire-pirate-sexbeast with pretty hair and stuff in his pockets. I think his shoes are super neat.
I think we realise by now that you're a Ten-fangirl. Even his shoes are sexy.
Words are hard, and making stories is harder. But making good stories is even harderer. And you failed already at the word stage. So I do what I can. This one time, I was at the store and I wanted some Fruit Stripe gum, but the package was all dusty so I didn't get it. Good decision. I bet vampires get dusty, being around as long as they are.
Nah, they don't stand in one place long enough.
Up next, more stuff happens.
I sure hope so. This was really short, even for a troll-fic chapter.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 17, 2013 11:46:21 GMT -8
This Whole Chapter Is For My Friend Annisag….
How sweet. I hope she enjoyed it as much as Talys did FAWL.
SO! Where were we? Oh yes, the Cullens had the Doctor, Rose and Jack CAPTURED. So, back to that.
Edward towered over the Doctor Rose and Jack in the woods there, glaring angrily with anger.
"You shot my piano."
Yeah, that was so sad!
"Sister," Lucy corrected. Who is Lucy? But she's right though. Shooting their sister was a little worse. "They shot our sister. That blonde girl with the eyebrows."
"Yeah," Edward said, looking beautifully tragic in his tragic vampire beauty.
You're stealing my mocking description of Edward!
"You are so beautiful," Jack sighed dreamily.
"Stop it," The Doctor Said. "He's a teenager."
Jack snorted. "Your mom's a teenager."
The Doctor has a mother? There are a LOT of important episodes I haven't watched. I assume she's his future mother, as she's probably a Time Lady?
Edward was still angry, and his family was still angry too, and they were all standing there, looking angry. They do a lot of that. Especially in promotional pictures. Then all of the sudden, a furry brown blur ran up to the group and snatched Rose away! I was going to ask if she wasn't on the floor inside, with a bullet in her head, but then it dawned on me that she meant Rose Tyler. It was horrible! The Doctor tried to run after them, but the Cullens were like "No." and kept him and Jack captured, just standing there and screaming for Rose, Come ON! This is The Freaking Doctor and Captain Jack! They have fought Weeping Angels. Glitter fairies should be no match for them! but she wasn't coming back because she'd been captured by something that ran way and she couldn't hear them anymore anyways.
"Something" here being Jacob. Why is he always the designated villain? I mean, he's pretty good at it in the hands of a "talented" troll, but still...
So, this huge fight broke out amongst the Cullens and Jack and the Doctor. The Doctor was super fast, his Time Lord ness combining with his new vampire nature and making him like super badass. Oh, and I forgot that Doc and Jack are also campires now. The Cullens really have nothing. He threw Cullens's against trees and roared all sexy, showing off the fangs that were really quite impressive. Jack was wrestling with Edward, trying very hard to turn it from wrestling into sweet, sweet loving, but nothing doing.
Eww, keep your pants on Jack. Edward's dingaling has been in Alex Miles' bum. That's NOT a clean place, and they didn't use any protection.
"I'm in love with Bella!" Edward shouted, What a vital piece of information. What an astonishing revelation. What a passionate confession. resisting the urge to kiss back this extremely gorgeous hunk of vampire on top of him. It was hard. Finally he gave in and began making out with Jack.
I'm sure Alex doesn't mind one more guy joining.
"Jack!" The Doctor Cried, Throwing The Dad Cullen Into A Wall. "He's a teenager."
"You're moms a teenager, Edward said, kissing Jack.
And your "mom" was 10 when you were born! And your "dad" is supposed to have been 7! And yet they are allowed to be your official adoptive parents.
(And note to people who thinks I put "mom" and "dad" in quotation marks because I think adoptive parents aren't real parents, I absolutely do not. They're as real as any. But I seriously doubt the Cullens' parenting skills, and I think the idea of 20-somethings raising teens is really strange.)
The Doctor stopped, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "That's so not fair."
Then there was this horrible cry, and that Lucy girl – the psychic one, you know? Ah, it's Alice. – leapt out of the bushes, headed for the Doctor with a STAKE in her hands! Oh no!
That's not nice, Alice. Put the stake down.
"Oh no!" The Doctor cried.!
But then, before she could steak him, Alice was a cannibal for a while, wasn't she? the TARDIS appeared out of nowhere. And the steak meant for the doctor plunged into the TARDIS. It roared with pain, shuddered, and died.
I think that may have been for the best. It wasn't safe to travel in anymore. I'm sure the Doctor can build a new one.
"Noooooo!" The Doctor cried, pulling the steak out, but it was to late. It was burnt during cooking, so now they had to settle for the salad and fries. So the Doctor jumped on Lucy and bit her neck, drinking her up until she was dead.
Anyone else reminded of Twila?
"Hey," the kind of mom woman said. "Stop that! Your our prisoner. Don't keep killing us. Yeah, they're very likely to listen, Esme. We want to play baseball, and you're making it so we don't have enough players."
Pfff, just adopt some new orphans. There are enough to choose from in any fanfic.
The Doctor looked at the carnage he had made happen in the last few minutes, avoiding looking at Edward and Jack still making out, because that just made him mad. But he can't have both Jack and Rose. (Oh noez teh Titanic references. I loved that film when I was 17! It's the only film I've watched twice in a cinema. But at least I'm too old to have been a Twihard.) Several cullens were dead and the tardis was too, and there was just so much waist And not enough chest and hips that he didn't know what to do and Rose was gone too, which made him the saddest of all, so he threw his head back and made a really loud, sad vampire sound Doc: *Bat Squeak* into the night sky, that was sparkling like his skin did now, forever lost to be a vampire with the cullenses in this part of the world where they lived and now he had to live too because he had to at least find Rose before he could leave, even though they wouldn't get very far without the TARDIS, so maybe he could become king of the vampires or something. Tragic!
Yeah, because as king of the vampires he'll spawn Ariana.
****BREAK****
Rose opened her eyes and saw a bunch of shirtless, tan guys with tattoos standing over her. Her first thought was that she'd woken up inside one of Jack's naughty dreams, I think Jack might like it in Alex' harem. but then they started talking, and they were talking to her so she knew she was really there.
"You all right?" One of them asked.
Even in fics where the wolves are the baddies, they are usually nicer than the Cullens. (I so totally need to do that in one of the crack fics I'm supposedly not writing.)
"I'm okay," she said standing, and, brushing, herself off. "Who are you guys? Where's the Doctor? Where's Jack?"
"We don't know who those people are," the one guy said. "But you are supposed to be with us."
"Why?" Rose asked. What makes you say that about me?
Your a wolf, the other guy said. I think his name is Fred. "We smell the wolf in you, and now it's going to come out.
Well, better shape-shifter than sparkli-poo.
They were standing around a fire, and Rose looked into the fire, and the fire looked into her, Right here, right now, we need to disrupt the narrative with a little Leonard Cohen.
Well, Leonard and Jennifer. The song starts at 0.57 and it's actually a really nice melody.
and the next thing she knew she ran from the fire and stripped off her shirt Wolves: BOOOOOBZ! and turned into a beautiful, pale blonde wolf that threw its head back and howled for the Doctor at the same time he was howling for her. That was a squeak, not a howl. But OK. Their howls together mingled and made a sound like harmony but coming from scary monsters. What a beautiful gothic description. They heard each other, because they're in love, but Rose had to get used to her animal nature and she stopped to smell some skunk wee-wee on a tree, Yummy. momentarily forgetting about the Doctor.
She was an animal now, just as he was an undead monster thing.
They
Could
Never
Go
Home.
Again!
And that's horrible.
***BREAK***
"I sense her," The Doctor said to Jack, who was still wrestling around with Edward. "This is really starting to get old, you too."
"He's so beautiful," Edward said. "Who ever wanted that Bella chick when Jack is in the world?"
Jacob: YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!
The Doctor sighed. "Wait till you see him in the sunlight."
Edward and Jack smiled at one another. "Come on spider monkey," Edward said. Jack climbed onto his back and they ran towards the sunrise so they could see each others's beauty in the beautiful meadow.
I kind of feel a little sorry for Jack. He's in for an abusive romance.
"Rose is out there." The Doctor said. He looked out the big windows at the Cullens house, because even though he was a prisoner it was kind of a loose prisonership, especially since everybody felt bad that Lucy had killed the Tardis and that Jack and Edward were together which sort of made them all family anyway. Is her name Elsie? It's Alice. Whatever. She's dead now.
That guy that was with her was really sad, and looked at everyone all spooky and then ran away.
I would have been able to tell it was Jasper just from the "looked at them all spooky." Didn't they change his hair style in the last films so he wouldn't look so much like James Holmes?
Then, there was a knock at the door. The Doctor ran to it, swinging it open only to find this amazingly alluring, incredibly attractive boring looking girl with kind of lank brown hair and no personality standing at the door with her backpack over one shoulder.
Hullah, Bella!
"Um, Edward take me school." She mumbled, pulling at her hair and looking at the ground.
"You're fascinating!" the Doctor said. "I'm a vampire. I'm the Doctor. Have you seen Rose?"
I guess a Time Lord would be fascinating to discover a specimen that really had no personality of any kind. Most such beings are at least part of a hivemind, but Bella is just... vacuum.
"No." She stared at him, her eyes a vacuum I already said that! into sheer, banal nothingness.
"My God," he sighed, leaning against the doorway. "You're just wonderful."
Or, it could be the Black Hole she carries around with her. RUN DOCTOR!
Standing there, without anything really causing it, Bella fell off the porch and rolled down the hill by the side of the house into a ravine. I find that one of the more plausible events in this fic. The Doctor took off his shirt and ran down the hill to help her.
Oh no, he's becoming a new Edward!
"Am ok," she mumbled, ignoring the Doctor's gorgeous, sparkling pecks. "Where Edward? Need."
OK, she hit her head.
The Doctor looked up, past her, and saw the wolf. The blonde wolf with brown eyes that sang to him.
Rose: Ten is MINE, bitch!
"Doctor," she said. "Look at me."
"I love you," he said. He stepped over Bella, stepping on her hair, She probably thought she deserved that. and petted Rose on the head, scratching her ears. She licked his hand.
Rose looked into his eyes, but then looked away real quick. "Do you smell squirrel."
The Doctor grinned. "Let's hunt."
"Hey," Bella whined. "Still on ground."
This is Raelynn's Bella, the one who doesn't wanna walk.
But it was to late. They were gone.
They ran together for a while before they stopped at the edge of a meadow, where Jack and Edward were telling each other how beautiful they were and sparkling all over the place. Rose and the Doctor walked into the meadow, hand in paw, and since the Doctor already had his shirt off and Rose was effectively naked, they began to sparkle as well.
Wolves don't sparkle! And... does she walk on two?
She turned back into a person and they made out, having sex too.
OK, blind snark, and the rest of the fic is below the editing window. I predict a very squicky next few lines.
Boy, was Bella mad. And the other wherewolves. And the Cullens'. And the TARDIS's ghost.
Whut? No squick? OK, there is another chapter left. And then of course the A/N.
Kayso. Long time between this last chapter and the notes that I am now writing. Sorries.
Four things need to happen to make a successful chapter:
1. Writing
B. Finishing Writing
III. Reading it And maybe having someone else read it. Someone who's not Savanna McCleagh.
4. Putting it up on line.
I've done all of those for the chapter you just read but probably read some time ago and maybe need a refresher. So stuff happened. Edward and Jack. Bella got stepped on. There was also the Doctor, being a beautiful vampire of beauty.
I'm listening to a band called "Hooters" right now. They had mandolins in they're stuff and all kinds of awesome. You should like them to. We'll need to hear them first, so we can decide.
Actually not too bad. And I love all the comments on that video saying "Oh, life was soooo great in the 80s!" I think they may have forgotten a little thing called The Cold War, and that 1 in 5 kids at the time believed they would die from an atomic bomb being dropped before they reached adulthood. In 30 years time, when we face hostile aliens, people are probably going to say "I miss the 2010s, they were so peaceful, and the music was great. Remember Bruno Mars?"
Crisco is a real effective thing to have in a pie crust. Here's a face:
XXXX
Xx o o xx
X _ x
X x x x
Here is another face: X(
There's more surprise characters coming soon. You wanna know? You have to scroll down
I think we can handle it.
S
P
O
I
LE
R
S
A
H
E
A
D
D
O
W
N
HE
R
E
T
H
I
S
W
A
Y
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DON'T LOOK PAST THIS POINT IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM.
Ninth Doctor.
OK. I sense a Two Time Lords, One Wolf triangle.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 17, 2013 13:26:06 GMT -8
Oh my, Nine is coming~~~~
I am pretty certain Alex would enjoy Jack Harkness in his harem indeed ^^
Also, just to clarify: there is a character in The End of Time (the last Tenth Doctor episode), who doesn't have any speaking line, and who was meant to be the Doctor's mother. The actress who plays her was told that was her role, anyway: then RTD changed his mind and cut that detail from the episode, leaving it up in the air. She's not a teenager, but she is a Time Lady, so I suppose time is relative and she is probably a teenager at some point in history ^-^ There's also a theory that she and another Time Lord have become the first Weeping Angels due to a stable time loop, but I don't know how canon that it.
The Doctor could probably not build his own Tardis. He already stole this one, and considering what we know about its engine — namely, that it harnesses the power of a decaying star — it's probably hard to replicate without the technology of Gallifrey.
Finally, Rose being a werewolf is probably a reference to her being the Bad Wolf, which is the plot arc of Series One of the revived show. Just in case you didn't know that yet ^^
Still, this is probably one of the best trolls I've seen in a while ^^
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 17, 2013 14:05:59 GMT -8
Oh, riiiight. Bad wolf. I had forgotten about that. I just figured she was a shape-shifter like Leah.
I left a comment on FF, more or less begging the author to update. Hopefully my arguments were persuasive enough.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 17, 2013 15:33:06 GMT -8
Fingers crossed ^_^
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Tigeranne
Member
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 18, 2013 12:24:46 GMT -8
Dear fellow snarkers, this is the last chapter written of Silver Bullet. If you want more of it, please leave a comment where you thoroughly guilt the writer. Link is further up the page. Make that last page.How the sound of the TARDIS could be happening when the TARDIS was a dead vampire now was a mystery, and yet there it was. Because it's the TARDIS from the past. I've written a stupid time-travel fic myself, so I should be able to guess. The doors opened and a brawnier, short-haired version of the Doctor dressed in a leather jacket, jeans and sweater came outside, sneering and sniffing the air. Shortly behind him came Rose Tyler, younger and with her kind of fuzzy hair and stuff. He he, I liked her dumb first series hair. They were standing in a meadow, and several beautiful people were twinkling and making out in the distance. Welcome to Forks."The Doctor," this Rose said. "Where Are we?" "Northwestern America, present day," the Doctor Said. "Something's not right here." Keenly observed, The Doctor.One of the couples looked up and the Doctor and Rose and the Doctor and Rose froze. "Me," the vampire Time Lord said at the sight of himself. "Who's that bloke runnin' at us?" the still not vampire Doctor said. Asked. "Me!" Young Rose screamed, No, it's not you running at you. It's The Doctor. pointing at the Bad Wolf Rose that was following the vampire Time Lord Doctor across the meadow. "That's not you," Nine said, scoughing. "That's some sparkly douchebag with red eyes and ridiculous hair." I actually think Nine is correcting the authors mistake!"Paradox!" Young Rose shouted, pulling on Nine's sleeve. "Get back in the tardis!" But you could be twins, like Nikki and Mariel!"What are you on about?" Nine asked. Because that's how British people ask what's wrong or when somebody's being weird or something. And Americans never say that? I like to write British lines because it makes it seem more authentical. And because you are British, perhaps? I'll pay attention to how you spell words."The Doctor!" Jack cried, finally looking up from making out with Edward long enough to see what was happening. "Kinky!" Edward got up and ran with everyone else because it seemed the thing to do. Bella dropped down out of a tree Now she's Izzy. and saw Edward's glitter smeared on Jack's glitter Hang on, it's actual body glitter they're wearing? and made a gurgling noise of disappointment. Edward stopped running and looked at her. "Spider money." He said with love. "How could you." Bella said with no inflection. "You were…supposed to…love me forever." She collapsed into a pile of leaves and didn't move for the rest of the book. Poor Bella, TigerAnne said with no emotion.The Vampire Doctor (aka Ten) was in a frenzy. All he wanted to do was bite himself. What better thing could there be to do with one'self afterall? If you so much as try to mix The Time Traveller's Wife into this, I'm not going to be responsible for my actions! He arrived at the place where Nine and Other Rose were standing and hissed, showing off his fants. Is that some sort of garment that is half pants and half... fedora?"Where'd you get those?" Nine asked, smirking. "You get those when I regenerated last time, or are they new?" "I'm going to bite you…me," Ten hissed. "You can't," Nien said with a manly manly chuckle. "Why not? Ten asked?" "Because if you had, you'd already be a vampire when you became a vampire, and since you weren't it won't happen." That sounds pretty logical to me."Don't' get timeywimey with me, Sonny Jim!" Ten expoused, Now I'm going to imagine Nine being actually named Sonny Jim, and not being able to take him seriously. and pounced on Nine. Nine put up a brave fight, and Other Rose put a collar and chain on Bad Wolf Rose so she couldn't intervene, But didn't Bad Wolf Rose try to resist that? Has Bella's hivemind taken over her? but in the end Bad Wolf Rose peed on Other Rose, Jack made out with Edward some more, and Nine was on the ground, clutching the spurting, sizzling wound in his throat, groaning as he turned into a vampire. Nice. NOW you've gon and created a time-paradox. But then, Something Happened and Nine tried to regenerate to stop the process, but he only got half way so he was like Christopher Ecclestone but with really great hair and sideburns and skinnyer. I can't remember Nine being fat, exactly. But I guess since Eccleston is a bigger guy than Tennant, he's also a bit bigger around.AND A VAMPYRE! "Fuck!" NineTen shouted, looking at himself. "Look what you did! I'm half you, half me and a fucking vampire, you fuckity fuck!" I don't remember his as being that potty-mouthed either. He turned and went back to the TARdis in a huff. DOOR SLAM (Lindsay: #Haaaaaay!) ! Uh, Okay?but then, it was all confused because The other Vampyres found out about the wherewolfes and the Time Lords and got together in black robes in Italy Mkay, she means the Volturi, apparently. and decided to take the next flight to Forks and sort this whole situation out. So they took the night flight because seriously that's easier. How stupid. They've got a secret plane that can get them to Forks in minutes, if they let Felix drive. Or was it Demetri, they are kind of exchangable. And that Dakota Fanning girl was there and she kept looking all weird eyed and talking about things nobody knew what she was saying, but she was kind of in charge so everybody pretended to listen, but they were really reading their travel magazines and trying to open their packets of peanuts and not eat any of the flight attendants. Sounds like a nice family trip.So, then, Bad Wolf Rose went back to the wolves and was like "Hey, where do I sleep?" But nobody knew so she turned three circles and layed down. She was lulled to sleep by the sound of Ten and NineTen fighting in the moonlight. She loved them both so very much, and now they were both vampires and she was the Wolf, and some day she would have to decide whether or not she would kill them or join them… Or turn them both into were-vampires! (Why not, she seems to be an actual werewolf in this.)Meanwhile, Jack the Vampire sneaked up on the other TARDIS and bit it, turning it into a second Vampire TRADIS. Revenge, I guess. The only one that wasn't supernatural was Young Rose, who hid inside the Vampire TARSID and listened to the spaceship groan and howl in the night. That was probably terrifying, but compared to what was going on outside...She woked up to find Edward standing in her bedroom, looking tragic. OK, that would be seriously creepy."I don't know how long I can stay away from you," he said, gripping the doorframe with all his restraint. "Well shit who the bloody hell are you?" Young Rose demanded. Bella's not controlling this one!"I'm Edward," Edward said like she was the stupidest thing he'd ever seen. "I'm a super hot vampire that's in love with you because you're beautiful in your own mysterious way known only to me? And also because you smell like my own personal brand of –" "Allright, knock it off, weirdo," Rose said. "Get your skinny glittering arse out of my kip before I break your face." I like this Rose. Come on, guise! Spam the author with guilt! We need MOAR of this story!Which was an immense turnon to Edward. He rushed her bed and kissed her. She punched him in the temple, kicked him in the groin and he flew out of her room and out of the TARDIS to find the Doctor and the Doctor to howl with them about his own personal agony in the moonlight. Finally Jack found them as well and with four of them they had four-part harmony so they started singing and, as it turned out, they were pretty good. They sang "There's a Moon Out Tonight" by the Capris. Look it up. Shall I just put in the video as usual? Yes, I think so.I guess if you could forgive me for Jenna Rose...There's a (moon out tonight) whoa-oh-oh ooh Let's go strollin' There's a (girl in my heart) whoa-oh-oh ooh Whose heart I've stolen There's a moon out tonight (whoa-oh-oh ooh) Let's go strollin' through the park (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) There's a (glow in my heart) whoa-oh-oh ooh I never felt before There's a (girl at my side) whoa-oh-oh ooh That I adore There's a glow in my heart I never felt before (ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh) Oh darlin' Where have you been? I've been longin' for you all my life Whoa-uh-oh baby I never felt this way before I guess it's because there's a moon out tonight There's a (glow in my heart) whoa-oh-oh ooh I never felt before There's a (girl at my side) whoa-oh-oh ooh That I adore There's glow in my heart I guess it's because There's a moon out tonight Moon out tonight Moon out tonight Moon out tonight There's a moon out tonight And that's it. It ends here. SADFACE!!!!Now for the Author's Note.There's a moon out tonight… Oh, hai. Welcome to my notes. Music is important, and so are feelings. Sometimes music makes feelings feel more like feelings we can understand because they've been set to a tune. Which is why I ended the last chapter with a song. I could totally see the two Doctors, Jack and Edward, their arms around one another, singing all cute and stuff. It made me squee, so I thought I'd share it. Cuteness is important in tragic stories like this one, because it's sad that everyone's turning into a vampire and falling in and out of love and stuff. You know, it makes me think. And then this story happens! So, then also there's the door slam. That was a shout out to my homie Lindsay. You may know her. But maybe not. I guess not. In jokes make everyone uncomfortable, except the people who get them, which is why they're neat. Is this cake still frozen? Dunno. You'll have to taste it.That toilet flushes like a wildcat – look out! Pull on me peg leg, cap'n. Is that an innuendo?I know you know how to Thanksgiving. And they made out, a lot. So, that's some in jokes there. Also there was not much Bella, but do you really need any? Nah. Not so much if you ask me. Because she's really a dud and you can write about her by not writing about her, because she's kind of invisible and that's the point. But now she's out lying in the leaves feeling sorry for herself because the man who defined her existence has run off with Captain Jack. Isn't that just the way things go? When Bella's around, usually yes.More coming soon. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNISSAG! Her birthday appears to be 15 of October, because that's when this was last updated.
OK, I suppose it's back to Perscitus Prep again, then!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 18, 2013 12:28:33 GMT -8
Aaaaaaand I'm double-posting to tell you all that ARIANA HAS UPDATED! Ariana lives! It's as if the past has returned!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 19, 2013 6:56:52 GMT -8
This story is really awesome. Unfortunately, after 10 months, I think we have little to no chance of an update. But yay Ariana has updated \o/ (even though I've already snarked her I'll pretend to be surprised )
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 19, 2013 8:05:38 GMT -8
Yeah, I think she posted while I was snarking on this. Then I went to casually check DA to see if any of our junior trolls were active and WOW! And then I came back here, and you had the snark up already.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 31, 2013 13:53:11 GMT -8
OK, time for a new chapter of Perscitus Prep, the world's best fanfic about a homicidal Bella with step-mom trouble. But first we must take a look at this:
I can't help but think that this was what Ariana saw in her vision, that freaked her out. Now to our main content! Last time, Izzy drank a concoction that might be a healing potion, or a poison that removed all traces of the cause of death. We are now very exicited to see which it is.
This is probably the longest chapter so far, so I'm breaking it into three parts.
Sighs. I knew no one would want a preview. Anyways, hope you like this! (Sorry to anyone who got another email on this chapter)
Chapter 11: All healed
So much for the suspence, eh?
I woke up to a bright shining light. I shielded my eyes with my hand and groaned.
I heard whispers in another room. They were hushed and mostly sounded worried. Only two stayed calm.
I could see things better. I saw every dust particle. Did the potion give her super senses? Cause, honestly, she doesn't really need to go further into Sue-territory than she already is with her amazing Ninja skills. I saw where the wall was cracked a bit. I saw the colors of the rainbow in the sunlight. I could hear what the whispers in the other room were. I sat up quickly, quicker than I should of.
But she still gets light-headed, it seems.
"Are you sure?" a voice whispered, shaking.
"Yes, it should be working," said a calm one.
"When is she going to wake up?" asked another.
"That I'm not sure." the calm one replied. At that everyone sighed. I heard all their breathes. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.
But would they all be breathing at the same rythm like that? Maybe they really are a hive-mind.
Eleven people were on the other side. I stood up, my muscles and bones aching. I pushed the couch to stand up, but sent it flying towards the other side.
Oh joy, oh joy. She's super strong. Now she's going to be violent for realz.
What happened to me?
You levelled up. Now you have unlocked a new oufit your own size, and can use Truth, Guilt and Bone Crush as your new attacks.
There where gasps in the other room and the sound of shuffling feet.
I remembered that I ate that gooey stuff...I must of blacked out after.
I stared at my hands and then to the couch. I did that? No way...
Eleven people came into the room.
"Bella!" one person squealed and jumped onto me. That would be Alice. My hands quickly covered my ears. It sounded like she shouted in my ear.
"Oww..." I mumbled.
I looked down to see Alice clutched to my waist. I could only feel the faintest touch. She looked like she was clutching really hard though.
So while all other senses are hightened, touch is weakened? That's not really good, because you can sustain injuries without realizing. And it's not how strenght works at all. A strong person will still feel a tight squeeze of arms, it just won't squash the air out of them.
I looked up. The Cullens and Hales were wide eyed and looking at each other. Jacob was smiling. Seth was bouncing. Yeah, Seth is a cartoon puppy in this story. It is now canon! Quil and Embry were beaming. Sam was looking proud. Jared looked relieved, and Paul looked looked excited.
And Edward looked pained, confused, guilt-wracked, sad, worried and chagrinned.
"Bella, you okay?" asked Jacob.
"Uh duh!" I rolled my eyes.
He grinned and hugged me and a sobbing Alice.
What happened? I black out, yes. Before that...oh yeah! Brittany!
If you can't beat Brittany now, then I will take it as canon that she's the Most Mowerful Wizard in the World(TM).
"What happened to Brittany?" I asked.
"She's tied up in Alice and Rosalie's room," Sam responded.
"Ok...how long was I out?" I asked.
"Three WHOLE days!" cried Alice.
Dun. Dun. Dun. DUNNNNNNNNNNN!
"Wow. Anyone bothered to give Aro the message?" I inquired.
"Yeah, he's coming over today!" Paul cheered.
Alice froze, but I didn't think anything of it.
"And you're happy because..." I pressed.
"I get get to meet the guy who has a band of assassins, who knows what I can do to him?" he smiled evilly.
Yeah, but won't he bring the rest of the Volturi? They're probably on the plane right now, struggling to open their peanut bags and not eating the flight attendants.
"Nothing," I said bluntly.
"Hey! Don't-" Paul was cut off.
"Ah! Look at the time! We have to go!" Alice laughed nervously and pushed her family and the Hales out.
I looked at the time. It was five. What would they have at five...?
Dunno? Dinner? Hang on. Aren't they in Izzy & Co's flat?
"Well that was weird. Even for Alice." I commented.
"Something smells fishy," Quil narrowed his eyes.
"Oh, I'm making fish," Seth exclaimed and rushed to the oven.
And since Seth is a toon, he did that by zooming away with a spjoiiiinnnggg sound.
"Yeah!" the boys whooped and rushed towards the kitchen. I covered my ears again. What happened to me?
VAMPIRE.
Okay...Well, I guess I should push the couch back. I walked over to the couch.
Woah. Why am I so fast? My eyes widened. Wait...
I walked, well it was too fast to be called walking, but I walked over to the couch.
SPJOIIINNNNNGGG!!!
Alright. Let's see...
I held the bottom of the couch and lifted it up with ease. My eyes widened more and a grin was forming on my face. I ran this time and added to my already fastness, I got there in one second flat.
It actually only takes about a second to cross a small room running. For humans, I mean. A second is longer than most people think. Thousand-and-one, remember?
Holy...Omg this is so cool!
I put the couch down and thought about it. Okay, so after I ate the stuff, this happened...so it must be the stuff! I am stronger, faster, I can see better, I can hear better, and now that I think about it...I could feel every crease on the leather couch and smell a strong fish smell.
I beamed. I wonder how long this will last for? I smiled as I skipped into the kitchen.
"Why are you so happy?" asked Jacob who was scarfing down fish.
"You won't believe this, I-," a knock on the door cut me off.
"Hold that thought." Sam said as he got up to open the door.
"Hello Aro," he greeted. Everyone's heads looked to them.
I just sat down and took some fish, gobbling it down, I haven't eaten in 3 days after all.
Well, if she can eat proper food, she doesn't seem to be a Campire. But many fanfics don't obey that rule.
"This way," I heard Sam say as the door to Alice's and Rose's bedroom opened.
Yes, they are in the girls' flat. What is Seth doing cooking there instead of at their own place? But then again, they weren't special enough to get a flat that nice. As far as I remember, they all share a single room.
"MMMhhhhhHhhhhhmmmm!" came a noise from inside.
Brittany is "studying".
"Okay, so this woman is working with Stephan correct?" he asked.
"This woman" is his ex, who he had steamy sexy-times with. But he may do wisely to not talk about that.
"Yes," responded Sam. "And Jane."
"That can't be," Aro growled. "Jane was with me the whole time! But she has an ebul clone! It must be Stephan who told her to say that,"
"But, it wasn't Bella i-," Sam complained.
It wasn't Bella... what, exactly?
"This doesn't change anything," Aro said in a this-is-final voice.
Sam sighed.
The door closed and heavy footsteps came out.
Those footsteps had an Aro attached to them. You forgot to mention.
"Hey, Aro want some fish?" I asked looking at him.
"No, I am fine," he said in a hard voice.
"Suit yourself," I shrugged and continued eating.
He eventually left and we sat in quiet peace, eating...until now.
"Damn it! He came too early! said Alex I was going to ambush him!" Paul whined.
"Oh, wah, wah, cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it!" I retorted.
He huffed and ate the last of his fish.
"Who's doing the dishes?" I asked.
"Not me." Jacob and Paul said quickly.
"Not a chance," Quil, Embry and Seth all said.
"Nope," Sam and Jared said.
"What?" I moaned.
What indeed. You have a prisoner. Make her do it.
"It's your fault for being slow," Paul sneered.
"Ok, what-ever," I put my hand in his direction and my face in the opposite.
OK, that sounded a bit weird.
"Well, we're going back to our dorm. See ya Bella," called Jacob.
"Bye, guys!" I yelled back as they were out the door already.
When they left I just noticed something. When did we get fish?
Dunno? You've been out of it for a few days. Maybe Seth went fishing in the mean time? Or someone just did some grocery shopping like normal people.
I shrugged and started on the dishes. It only took my one minute to do all of them since I have enhanced senses.
I always picture them doing things in fast-forward, and it looks more comical than sexy.
"What to do," I mumbled and walked around. I opened my door.
"Well, this is a start..." I sighed and started cleaning up.
I finally had the place cleaned up in an hour. Right now I wish I had super-speed as well. Tidying and cleaning the house is not my idea of fun. It was an ordinary room with purple walls and weapons stabbed into the wall. Which means it was nothing remotely ordinary, but MEH. The closet was empty, except for the money. My bathroom only had the sink, shower, toilet, bathtub and cupboard left.
That's usually what is in a student's bathroom.
Okay, I needed many things, so I wrote them down on a piece of paper I found.
- a bed
- a table
- a chair
- a chest of drawers,
- a rug (maybe)
- new clothes (Alice and Rose can help)
- mirror
- ointment But you need to make that yourself.
- books Show your ruined course books to Milly, for goodness' snake!
- toiletries
- picture of mum You need to steal that from Charlie. Be sure to nick some more money too.
Well, that's all. I think I would go the day after tomorrow. It would be Saturday.
I walked to the couch and sat down.
I heard footsteps outside.
This is prose. It is beige.
"You think he's gone?" Alice whispered.
"Shhhh! She might hear you!" hissed Rose.
How would they know that?
"Ummm...err...T-tanya won't hear me! Who cares if her boyfriend is gone! I think we did a good job ruining her life for trying to kill us!" Alice huffed.
Now I wonder what they did to Tanya. It better be something more epic than purple hair.
Oh, so that's what she meant.
The front door opened and in came 5 people.
"Hello!" I greeted them.
"Hey, Bella! How you feeling?" asked Rose.
"I'm fine," I smiled.
"You sure?" asked Alice.
"Yep!" I smiled.
"Okay, then I need you to help me on my homework," she said seriously.
"Um...okay?" I responded.
"Good luck," Jasper smirked. "You will need it,"
Nobody knew this, but I am actually pretty smart.
I don't even know what to say to that.
After about two hours of trying to teach Alice 20 problems, we finally did it.
Alice is apparently not so smart. Because if she was, she'd be competition.
"Finally!" I sighed and jumped onto Alice's bed.
"Let's go to dinner to celebrate!" Alice screeched.
Alice: YAAAAAY! We did homework! PARTY!!!
I groaned as I got up and followed her out.
"We finished!" Alice shrieked. "Now we're going to dinner!"
"Woooooo!" Emmett yelled as we went out.
We went to McDonald's. Apparently, Alice is obsessed with it.
With all the bouncing around she does, she needs the extra calories. Although proteins would be better than carbos and fat.
"The chips are just so yummy!" she squealed when I asked her why she like it so much.
"Won't she get fat?" I whispered to Rose when we got our food.
Not as long as she constantly bounces. On the outside, at least. Her poor, poor arteries.
Alice got 5 large chips, I hope she's going to share. coke and chicken nuggets.
"Don't worry, shopping helps her even it out," Rose snickered.
How could such a small body fit so much food?
Alice: I don't know! I can eat, and eat, and I never gain a pound! It's a curse! Why can't I just be noooooooooormal?!?!?!?!
Nice try, Alice. But I think this story is only big enough for one Sue.
Alice: Drats!
When we finished, it was 10.
"We should go," sighed Jasper.
"Aww, but I wanted a movie night!" Alice pouted.
Alice: I want to watch New Moon, because I totally identify with that psychic, shoppaholic girl.
"Sorry!" he said and kissed her on the cheek.
"Bye!" boomed Emmett.
"Later Lovely lady, it breaketh my heart to leave Thee, the magical fairy of my sweetest and most desperate dreams. I shall not sleep a wink, knowing that Thou art so far away across campus ," Edward said.
We all went to our dorm afterwards.
"Well, I'm going to get a bath," I called and closed the door to my room. I opened it again.
"Actually, I need clothes and a towel." I said sheepishly. Alice and Rose were just outside their door.
"Already on it!" Alice smiled as she finished texting something.
Someone knocked on the door five minutes later.
Alice opened and grinned. She and Rose shared a look.
Edward came in.
Edward: I could not bear to be away any longer. I feared my lovely Unicorn princess migh suffer a horrendous nightmare without my comforting presence.
"Here I shall never wash these garments again, knowing they contain the memory of my precious butterfly," he said and he shoved clothes in front of her.
"Don't give them to me, give them to Bella," she smiled as she pointed to me, who was now on the couch.
He walked over to me and gave me the clothes. I looked at him questioningly.
"Alice told me to give you some clothes to wear My Lady, I hope you will not mind that I hath not laundered these items beforehand, as I shall be hoping that the presence of some of my being remaining in their fibers will induce pleasant dreams about yours truly," he explained.
"Ok, I got that part, but why are there a hoodie and jeans?" I asked.
"You don't have any clothes to wear tomorrow morning right? I only own a single gown, and it currently recides at the dry cleaners, after a small accident at the Opera. Thou dost not mind, dost Thou?" he asked.
"Well...yeah..." I mumbled.
"Alice and Rose thought that you wouldn't want to wear their clothes so they told me to give you mine I would prefer if Thou did not wear any under-garnments while they remain upon Thy shapely form," he said.
"Ok..." I looked over to Rose and Alice. They were both smiling angelically, well, Alice's looked forced.
Alice: I'mma kill my brother.
"Thanks," I smiled at him.
"No problem If Thou wishes, I might stay the night by your side, and lull Thee to sleep with my heartfelt serenades," he half smiled and ran his hand through his hair.
I smiled at him again and walked into my bathroom.
I went to shower and used the shampoo and conditioner Rose threw me before. It smelt like...well...roses.
I finished showering and got out, glad to not be sore anymore. I dried myself off with Alice's fluffy purple towel, and threw on the clothes.
It was a plain black t-shirt that was a bit too big and sweatpants that were big too, so I had to tie the string at my waist the tightest it can go "The tightest it can go" is litterally at the point were all the fabric in the hem is bunched up, an there is no room for anything else in there. Wow, Izzy is thin! and roll the pants up. I walked into my empty room.
The shirt and pants smelt just like him...I snuggled into his shirt and buried my nose in it.
Urgh. She supposedly doesn't even like him yet. And I assume my joke about the clothes having been used since they were last washed was not a joke either. I must not make jokes in this fic!
I only noticed what I was doing when there were two sniggers at the door.
Like... Alice and Rose were spying through the key-hole? How extremely fifth grade.
I looked at the door and blushed profusely. Alice was giggling and Rose had her hand over her mouth.
"Um..." I was still blushing.
"Yes, what do we say to our best friend who was sniffing my brother's clothing?" Alice giggled harder and Rose chuckled.
I would of been surprised of when she said we were best friends, but I was too embarrassed.
OK, people. This is a chance to get a glimpse into the hierarchy of a Sue's prioritized chagrins. Apparently, embarrasment trumps the need to be unloved.
"Oh, stop it Ally!" Rose tittered. "You're embarrassing her. Just forget about it."
"No!" laughed Alice. "We could use this to blackmail her!"
My eyes widened.
Izzy: This. Means. War.
"Good idea! That's my Ally!" Rose high-fived her.
"W-what are you g-going to do?" I stammered.
Come on, Izzy! You're high enough level to use "Brain Control" on them.
"Oh nothing," Alice said with a devilish smile on her lips.
I was suddenly very, very scared.
And here we see that the idea that a boy might find out a Sympathetic Sue cares about him, is a lot more frightening than the idea of facing an army of assassins empty handed and with a broken leg. This disqualifies Joan and Ariana as Sympathetic Sues by scientific evidence.
"Come sleep with us," Alice beckoned.
"Yes, join us," Rose agreed.
They're pressuring her into a lesbian threesome?
Emmett, Jasper & Werewolves: KINKY!!!
"Join us, join us," they chanted and moved closer. OK, they are now the twins from The Shining. I should not have made that joke about them being a hive-mind. BTW, fic... How's that joke I made about dragons coming along? I moved backwards slowly, until my back hit the wall.
The moonlight outside made their eyes glow and shadows on their faces. I was scared shitless.
Yeah, this is actually pretty creepy.
How is it that I, an assassin who kills, who moves during the night, who wields deadly weapons is scared of two girls?
Because 1: They are currently possessed, and 2: See scientific findings on the nature of Sympathetic Sues.
Maybe it is because I never had to kill one, maybe not.
I almost screamed as the lunged at me and grabbed my arms and legs. My wet hair dripped on the floor.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
OK, enough with the Hitchcock already.
The door of their room banged open and they placed me on Alice's bed.
"Good-night Bel-la," they said simultaneously in singsong voices with the same scary expression.
"G-goodnight," I stuttered, my eyes wide with fear.
Why aren't you using your newfound super-strenght to GTFO of there?
I crawled under the sheets of the bed, relishing in the warm blankets. I watched as they both crawled on Rose's bed and got under.
I was totally freaked out. What the hell was that?
Plebians! Don't worry. Twila and James will come to suddenly kill them.
I eventually fell asleep.
I woke up with a start. I felt someone watching me. I looked to see both Alice and Rose on Rose's bed staring at me.
OK, this is turning from a daft action-flick in fic-form to an early 2000s horror move in fic-form.
"G-good morning," I mumbled.
"Good-morning Bel-la," they said like yesterday.
I gave a curt nod and practically ran out the door. As I said before. Creepy!
I think it might be time to move in with Jacob again.
I closed the door and locked it. I just noticed. I'm not fast anymore. It must last only a day. I put on the hoodie and jeans that Edward gave me.
The sleeves were long and the hoodie itself was kind of big, but it was warm. The jeans were long and went over my shoes and I had to find a belt out of my bag. I didn't want to go back to Alice's and Rose's room. I checked my phone. It was 8:06.
I went out to get breakfast and found Alice and Rose on the couch eating scrambled eggs and bacon.
"Do you want some breakfast?" asked Alice in her usual chipper self.
I sighed in relief.
I just had a kind of horrible thought. Where was Brittany while the girls were sleeping? Could she be the one who possessed them?
"Yeah, that would be great." I smiled.
She and Rose looked and each other, smiling brightly.
"Okay! It's in the microwave!" Alice smiled.
"Thanks," I grinned and walked to the microwave.
"By the way, you look cute," Rose said.
"Uh...thanks," I blushed.
"Yes, I agree!" Alice said seriously. "Girls look cute in boy's clothes, even though they're big."
I took out the eggs and bacon and took a spoon.
"Well, you are coming to school right?" Alice mentioned.
How is she not expelled?
"I am?" I furrowed my eyebrows as I plopped onto the couch.
"Yes," Rose stated.
"Okay...well I don't have my text books. They got ruined..." I sighed.
Milly could have helped you with that, if you just let go of your pride and told her what Tanya did.
"Don't worry, just say that you forgot them," Alice said with a mouthful of eggs in her mouth.
In this fic Alice wasn't raised as an Edwardian WASP.
"Okay...," I shrugged.
We just finished breakfast when there was a bang on the door. It was now 8:32.
"Come in!" Alice shouted as she washed the dishes. Rose just finished 3 more dishes of breakfast.
"Smells good," Emmett bellowed.
Could someone get this boy an indoor voice, please.
"Thanks," Rose smiled.
And then they have breakfast, while Rose and Alice acts normally and Emmett is immature and Edward can't think around Izzy. But that's for Part 2.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 3, 2013 5:01:55 GMT -8
I am concerned for the author's sanity. What's with the sudden genre shift?
It's got to be a troll. It's a troll who wanted to have a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment. It has to be.
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Post by Traitor on Sept 4, 2013 0:57:04 GMT -8
Either that or the drugs wore off...
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 5, 2013 7:01:17 GMT -8
Seeing as how it's just as weird, but in a different way, I'd say the drugs wore off *and* they tried another type of drugs.
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Post by Traitor on Sept 5, 2013 16:18:38 GMT -8
This, my friends, is what you get when you run out of proper drugs and resort to licking whatever you can find in the local dog park.
No dogs are allowed in the dog park.
No humans are allowed in the dog park.
Do not approach the dog park.
Do not approach the hooded figures in the dog park.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 5, 2013 17:12:04 GMT -8
…I suppose I'm surprised that there was no Night Vale reference on the forums before x)
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