I think she doesn't care, really. She's not even a dedicated troll like Ariana, she is happy to cram out only one measly chapter every couple of weeks. I don't think she got her inspiration from here after all. She is probably from Gaia.
Gahhh, there are so many bad writers on FF! And people like it! I just returned from my daily troll hunt, and I had found myself a very suspicious suspect. This girl has a dreadful Mary Sue, who is Bella-but-not-Bella, that she inserts into every other fandom she likes. Remember that non-troll I snarked a while ago, where Bella was an elite soldier? This is worse. Bella, or Talia as her real name is, is either the most powerful super-mutant in the world making even Wolverine seem like a wuss, or the world's youngest NCIS agent ever, and her twin brother is a 15-year-old Major in the US Army. *sigh* But I have promised myself I will only rip new assholes on trollfics.
I think she's not a troll because of her rather extensive lists of favourite fics and authors. She also had a rather long profile. Trolls usually seem to exist in a vacuum and have a few lines about themselves at best. But in defense of the troll theory, Talia (which is short for Isabella Natalia Something Ariel Marie SurnameOfWhoeverIsHerDad) is a classic Sue in skimpy dominatrix clothes who is rude to everyone.
I don't own twilight or NCIS, only the plot and hopefully one day Jasper.
He's not real, darling, so you can't marry him. And I doubt Steph is going to sell you the rights to the character. Prologue
Hello, my name is Isabella Natalia Ariel Marie Gibbs. Long name? Check. I am the youngest NCIS agent in history. Youngest in her field in history? Check. I have been working there with my father and Tony since I was eight years old. Wow, that's almost as good as joining the army at 3. (I'll try not to poke fun of Sasha again. She wrote that story when she was 13 or something, and her latest one shows that she has improved a lot.) I am in Forks in hiding because a man named Ari Haswari killed my mother and sister and now he is targeting me.
If you are a fan of this villain, I'm going to have to disappoint you. He's not in the story.
Last week, my boyfriend, who is a vampire, broke up with me and left me in the middle of the forest. I mean who does that? A complete soulless bastard that's who. I was very upset, for about a day, then I just got angry.
She casually mentions that her BF is a vampire. And of course he is a soulless bastard for breaking up with a Sue! No one does that! Especially not Edward.
When I got angry, I just got a whole new look. I died my hair fiery with platinum blond streaks, and I got a whole new wardrobe. I now only wear heals, thigh high leather boots and cowboy boots. I have only corset type shirts and backless shirts, and only skinny jeans and anything leather.
Classic Sue wardrobe too.
But, I am telling you my story because tomorrow I get to go home, to my real dad, in Washington, to my best friends Abby, Tony, Ducky, and McGee. And I get my job back, because, the new agent Ziva David. It looks like something is missing here. I'm going to guess that she accidentally deleted the part where she tells us that Ziva killed Ari Haswari, and that it is safe for her to come back. I did the same in my own trollfic, and left it like that because it adds to the badness. I knew that I would like Ziva, Tony said she was real kick-ass just like me.
Now, on with the story…
It's so short, I'm going to post it in two entries. Onto chapter 1:
I do not own twilight or NCIS, just the plot and hopefully one day Jasper….now on with the show...
Chapter 1 I woke up to the blaring of my stupid alarm clock, but then I hopped out of bed because I remembered why I had to wake up so early today. She was going on a plane to Afghanistan! Wait... wrong suethor. I sprung out of bed and ran to my closet, the only thing in it was my clothes for today and tomorrow, I was having the rest of it shipped to my dads' house. He didn't know I was coming home today, it was a surprise for him, and the only ones who knew were Tony and Jenny.
What if he doesn't want you back? Sues usually have terrible Dads. OK, Sues with cool agent Dads may be an exception.
I changed into my midnight blue lacy panty and bra set, black leather skinny jeans, electric blue corset shirt, and blue/black cowboy boots. I put my hair in high pigtails and gave my eyes a smoky look, with blood red lipstick.
Some costume porn is obligatory. I actually wrote some today, for that very reason. But, would you have been happy to see your teenaged daughter dress like that? Would your parents have been happy to see you dressed like that? I don't think so either.
I got my backpack, put all my possessions that weren't being shipped in it, put it on, and went downstairs. I saw Charlie sitting there and walked over to him, he knew I was leaving today and he seemed sad that I was leaving.
Well, he's only been raising you for the last few years, so maybe he is sad? At least you care more about his feelings than the real Bella.
"Goodbye Charlie, I will always think of you as a father, call me if you ever need help, any help at all." I told him trying not to cry.
"Bye Bells, you will always be my daughter in every way except blood. Come back here any time you want, your always welcome." He told me, looking as though he was trying to hold back tears as well.
Point against trollhood: emotions that make sense.
And with that, I nodded and walked out to my motorbike, it was black with blue and red flames. I hopped on my bike, waved to Charlie, and then I was off, speeding towards my home. No one really knew this, but I had always had a need for speed.
OK, so you are going to drive across the whole lenght of the US on a motorbike to get home to Leroy? NCIS is set in Washington DC, not in the state of Washington!
It was only three hours later that I was pulling into NCIS parking lot. Does not compute. I walked inside, said hello to the guards, and walked to were my dads desk is. They were all down in Abby's lab, so I just sat at my dad's desk, and waited for them all to come back.
Ten minutes later I heard the elevator ding, and my dad, Tony, McGee, Abby, Ducky, and a woman I am assuming Ziva walked over to were I was.
"Who are you?" dad asked, while Tony was staring at me with a newfound lust in his eyes.
Everyone must drool over the Sue. And can you blame Daddy for not recognizing her the way she has done herself up?
"What's wrong dad? Don't even recognize your own daughter?" I said mockingly. This seemed to shock him, he looked completely confused, then it finally dawned on him that I was me.
"Talia?" he asked quietly, as if sure this wasn't real and that if he was to loud I would disappear.
Or he is shocked that his sweet baby girl has become a leather-and-lace BDSM Sue?
"Hi daddy, did you miss me?" I asked, and I barely had time to say that before Tony had grabbed me in a bear hug that could rival Emmett's. The same Tony who was perving on you two seconds ago? Wouldn't that be rather awkward? He put me down and once he did so McGee pulled me into an equally strong bear hug and swung me around, causing me to giggle profusely. After I was settled on the ground I turned to dad and jumped into his arms, never wanting to let go.
"I missed you so much sweet heart." Was all he said, there wasn't anything else that needed to be said.
Awww, Leroy is a good Dad, not bothering with little details such as his daughter possibly having become a hooker while she lived in Forks. All that matters is that she is home.
"I missed you to dad," he then let me go so I turned Abby and we did our secret handshake that only we knew how to do since it was so complicated. Then I looked to ducky and hugged him saying "I missed you old man."
Ducky's not cool enough for a special reunion scene.
"It's good to have you back Isabella." Ducky was the only one I allowed to call me Isabella.
Yeah, everyone has different names for this girl. Even more so in the other story, where she is Wolverine's sister.
"Good to be back." I told him, and I meant it with every fiber in my being.
Then I turned to the woman who seemed to be confused by what had just happened.
"You must be Ziva David, I am Isabella Natalia Ariel Marie Gibbs Because just presenting herself as "Talia" or even "Bella" is just so not Sue., this old mans daughter. It is a pleasure to meet the brave woman who killed the man who wanted to kill me." I told her, she would never know how grateful I was to her.
So Ari is dead, Bella is safe and all is well. Or..?
She shook my hand and said, "The pleasure is all mine."
"Hey, Talia, just so you know, you can have your old desk back, and we have the next two months off, we're training 5 new agents." He told me, and I was confused, 5 new agents? We usually only train around 2/3 at one time, they better be good or else this is going to be a hassle.
Uh, can the whole team take the next two months off? What if there is a case in the mean time? Also, guess who the new agents are. Go on, guess!
"Alright dad, were are they?" I asked.
"They are getting acquainted with the place, why don't you go say hi to Jenny?" he suggested, and I nodded and headed up to her office, not even bothering to knock as I walked in.
"Hello, my wonderful god-mother of mine, how may I repay the debt of you bringing me home to my father?" I told her, just happy to see her.
"Well Talia, my lovely dear, you can start by not walking in here when I am talking to the new agents." She scolded me.
You are about to find out if your guess was right!
Oops, I turned around and couldn't believe what I saw; it was Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Edward and Alice. They looked just as shocked as I was to see them here. All I could say was "Oh my god" before darkness consumed me and I heard everyone in the room call my name, while Jenny called for dad.
She fainted. The baddass Mary Sue just fainted. How impressing!
Okay, what do you guys think?hate it love it think i should blow up the internet just to get rid of it?
No, you do not blow up the Internet. It is of use to billions of people worldwide. As for the story, it's yours. Do as you like with it, but be prepared to take critique.
Last Edit: Nov 18, 2011 16:30:17 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
do not own twilight or NCIS, but hopefully one day Jasper...sigh...ON WITH THE SHOW!
You tell yourself that, darling...
I woke up hearing several voices around me. My mind was still foggy so I could barely hear them, let alone recognize them. Then, it got clearer, and louder. Why wouldn't they just let me rest? I didn't want to wake up yet, this was my sleep, not theirs.
OK, but maybe your Dad is getting a little worried?
So I did the only logical thing one could do in this situation. I jumped up from wherever the hell I was and screamed "WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP I AM TIRED!"
Then, I realized I was in ducky's lab, and that everyone (including the Cullens) were in here screaming over whether or not I should go to the hospital.I also realized I was on an autopsy table.
Wow, don't get ahead of events here, Ducky!
"Ducky, I didn't know you wanted me on one of these tables that much. I am not dead yet and I plan to keep it that way." I said letting my southern accent leak out fully. Truth was, I was born and raised in the south, and I had just hidden my accent so no one would get suspicious, since Renee was from Arizona.
And Arizona is so far north! Ok, they probably don't speak that Southern accent. But don't Americans move every 4 years average or something? Nobody would react much if she said she had lived with Renée in Alabama at some point, and picked it up there.
"How are you feeling Isabella?" Ducky asked, concern and amusement laced in his tone.
"Like I could take Shadow out on the mountain trial for a nice canter, and then fight off seven rattle snakes." I answered honestly, I was feeling great. Shadow is my Mare, and he Mares are female horses, darling. sure is beautiful at that.
"All right dear, you may go, just promise not to make any more visits here today? I don't think I can keep up with all your injuries young one." He said, his joking tone full on now.
"Sure thing Duck man, hey Ziva you want to go a round after I speak to the trainees?" I asked, truth is I had been dying to go a round with her ever since Tony had mentioned her being a kick-ass fighter like me.
Poor Ziva. She doesn't know what she is up for. Professional hitmen have nothing on a proper Sue.
"Sure thing, I could use a real fight. Do you know how easy it is to beat Tony in a fight?" she asked, annoyed with his lack of fighting skills.
But Tony is hot, and that is all that matters in a Sue fic.
"Oh, trust me, I have beat him more times than any other agent he has fought with, he out-right refuses to train with me ever again after I broke is leg and gave him a black eye." I told here amusedly.
If a little girl can beat him up like that (isn't Bella supposed to be 5 foot 3?), maybe he should have another job?
After that, me and all the Cullens went up to the conference room to talk. They walked in and sat at any of the chairs, purposely leaving one open next to Edward. I chose to stand against the wall farthest from him. I wasn't going to be the first one to break the silence, so I waited for one of them to talk.
"What are you doing here Bella?" Edward asked, as though my being here was impossibility.
Nah, just a very contrieved random coincidence.
"I work, and live here with my father. What do you think I am doing here?" I said slowly, as if I were talking to a 2 year old.
Finally a Bella who realises how dumb Edward is.
"What are you talking about? Charlie is still in Washington." Alice said, as though I were the one who was confused.
"Yeah, Charlie is in Forks, my dad Leroy Gibbs is downstairs. I was sent to Forks under witness protection. The guy who killed my mother and sister was after me to get to my dad now, so they sent me there. He is dead, dad killed him after he killed Kate." I thought it was Ziva who had killed him. My voice broke at the Kate's name, I hadn't been allowed to go to her funeral, I was still in Forks, and she was like an older sister to me. Thinking about her death brought tears to my eyes.
OK, so at least she is not Kate's sister in the fic.
"I am sorry but this talk will have to be cut short, I have to do something." I told them, but Edward stopped me before I could get to the door.
"Wait, Bella, let me explain. I left to protect you, to make it so that you could live a human life. I never meant to hurt you." He told me, what a dumb shit head if he thought I was going to ever forgive him.
I think she actually isn't, because the author likes Jasper.
"Oh really, so that's why you left me in the forest? Told me I was basically worth shit to you? That I was a pet? Left me for Laurent to kill? And Victoria to seek out? You are a real dumb fuck if you think I will ever take you back for what you did. Go jump in a pyre Edward Cullen." I told him in the deathly calm tone that scares the shit out of everyone who hears it.
Angry Sues are the scariest things ever!
He just looked surprised by what I had said. Emmett and Rosalie looked proud that I was standing up for myself. Alice looked like one pissed off pixie bitch. And Jasper just seemed elated that I wasn't going to take Edward back, I wonder what that was about.
Duh! He lurrves you! The Sue can't have the guy she likes not liking her back! And "Pixie Bitch" is Alice's official name. For once she's the one getting the jealousy treatment, since the Sue wants her BF for herself. I don't think there is any actual Alicide, though.
I took my chance to leave and went to talk to my dad.
"Dad, can I go now? I want to visit Kate's grave and then go home and unpack." He seemed happy that I was finally going to her grave.
"Sure honey, just be sure to grab your badge and pistol before you go." He said, and that just made my day, I loved my gun. It was specially engraved with my families names.
Yay, another gun-freak-Bella. This story actually makes me miss Sasha's Bella. At least that story was incredibly entertaining.
I grabbed the gun and badge then went down to the parking lot to get my motorcycle. When I got there however I saw that none other than Rosalie Hale was ogling my ride, so I laughed and walked over.
"Like my ride? I rebuilt her myself." I told her, I honestly liked Rose the best other than Emmett and Jasper.
Well, concidering the two other family members are Edward and Alice, who you hatehatehate, it's only logical that Rosalie is the favourite after Jasper and Emmet. No, Carlisle and Esme don't count.
She seemed stunned by the fact I had rebuilt the bike, let alone owned it. Finally she said' "I love your ride and sorry I was such a bitch to you in Forks, I just thought you were stupid to date fuckward."
Um, author... Just because you don't like a character, you don't need to demonize them like this and have everyone else hating them too. Rosalie and Edward are actually quite good friends.
"No problem, I was stupid to date fuckward, I just needed a wake up call. You know I like you, Emmett and Jasper the best out of the 'children'. Alice is just way to nosy and I now officially think Edward has the spirit stick rammed up his ass."
Way to talk about her sister!
She laughed at my joke, "So you don't mind if I hang out with you?"
"Nope, you can hang with me and ask me any questions you want about my past as long as pixie bitch and fucktard don't know the answers."
Well, concidering Edward reads Rosalie's mind quite easily, he would find out, wouldn't he? And Alice is psychic, so good luck.
"Okay, so were are you going?" she asked curiously seeing me mount my ride.
"I'm going to visit my friends grave, I was in witness protection when she died so I couldn't go to her funeral…Do you want to come?" I asked hesitantly.
"I would love to come, can I ride with you or do you want me to follow?" she asked, not sure if it was okay to get on my motorcycle.
"No, you'll have to run alongside."
"You can hop on, it's faster that way, and I have a secret need for speed." She climbed behind me and we were off to the cemetery. When we got to Kate's grave I walked over to it and sat down on my knees.
"Hey Katie, haven't forgotten me up in heaven have you? Sorry I wasn't at your funeral, you know how my sense of time is, but at least I came right? This is Rosalie, she's a friend of mine, you'd like her Kate, she's a lot like you. Can you believe it? I am really home, I miss you Kate, you were always there for me no matter what. Like that time when I was kidnapped by Ari and he almost rapped me Ari, the guy who wanted to kill you? Why didn't he, rather than threatening to perform his homemade rap song about how much you suck?, or that other time when I had the black plague What? with Tony and you never left us. I miss you Kate, and I promise I will visit again soon, to tell you how everyone's doing okay?" ' I got up and realized that I had tears running down my cheeks, and that all the Cullens were there, not just us. Esme walked up to me tentatively, as though I wouldn't want her to hug me. That could never happen. I jumped into her arms sobbing for the ones I had lost, the things that had happened to me and the things I will never be able to do without them.
Awww, but she loves Esme, though. She will still be her mother in law, so she needs a good relationship with her.
"Bella, what is your real name, since you said Charlie wasn't your real dad." Jasper asked me.
Her Dad's not really her Dad, so she must have a different name? OK, so she does, but what sort of logic is that?
"Isabella Natalia Ariel Marie Gibbs, but I usually just go by Talia or everyone at work calls me Gibbs. The only one I let call me Isabella is Ducky." I told him.
"Well then miss Talia, shall we get you home to unpack?" he said, mocking a gentleman by putting his elbow out in a funny manner.
Gentlemen put their elbows out in a funny manner. While sipping tea, and sticking out their pinky.
"Why yes good sir, I believe we shall." I said in an equally funny manner, giggling and taking his arm.
That's the main reason I don't write "Victorian", I can't stand writing the way they talked. My friend is writing a "Victorian" romance, and although she is much more fluent in Austenesque than me, she keeps slipping up.
We got back on my bike, me and Jasper this time, and I drove off to my dads house, knowing he never locked the door. How sensible of an intelligence officer... We all walked in and my bags were all by the stairs, well for about one second, because the next thing I know Emmett has all 10 bags in his arms and is waiting for directions to my room.
Just because Emmett is super strong, it doesn't mean his arms are actually long enough to contain 10 bags at once.
"Just take them, upstairs first door to the right. But don't open them, I seriously don't need you to judge my wardrobe or anything." I told him, remembering all the times Alice had done that, I always hated it. He was gone and back before I could blink.
Booooo! Alice doesn't like gimp suits. What a bitch!
"Okay, I am going to unpack, you can either snoop around the house, come with me, or do whatever." I said walking up the stairs.
Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett, and Edward all followed me, while Carlisle and Esme went hunting. We walked into my room, which was blue with silver and gold stars and moon designs on the walls. She has the exact same decor in her other story. My bed was black with and silver comforter and pillows. In the other one the comforter is gold. I had a bookshelf that already had tons of books, a flat screen and all my favorite movies/ videogames. And a walk-I closet that leads to my own bathroom. I took all my bags of clothes, which were only 3 since I left most of it here and headed into my closet with vamps following me.
"Oh my god, Bella I love your wardrobe, but I think you should at least add some pink to it." Alice said from the doorway.
Alice is a prep!!11!! She likes pink!!! Oh, the horror!!
"I will not add pink, I hate the color pink, and you won't even touch my stuff or I will find a way to keep you in an interrogation room for three years." What a bitch, I thought.
I'm seriously wondering if this girl is deliberately ripping off Sasha, who also hates pink according to her bio. Talia's room also sounds a lot like the appartment Bella had in Sasha's story.
Alice just glared at me, started growling, and walked up to me and slapped me so hard I blacked out. The last time I saw before it went black (again, what is with me and blacking out today?) was Emmett holding the pixie in the air by her hair looking ready to kill.
I think Alice is a replica, programmed by Brugo to take out Sues. OK, third and so far final chapter:
I woke up with Carlisle standing over me, checking to see if I was alright. "I am fine Carlisle; I have had way worse than this, trust me." I told him.
Yeah! She's had the black plague!
"Like what?" he asked curiously, although he looked like he was afraid of my answer to.
"Well, if you want my medical records, here is the key to the safe they are in. Dad said I should keep them in my safe because someone might steal them to make me their mark…..again." Because medical records can tell anyone about your secret location? Or maybe they'll see that you were diagnosed as a Sue, and decide to rid the world of a great evil! I told him, while giving him one of the smaller keys that hang around my neck. The other things on my neck were my room key, house key and dog tags.
Dog tags too, now? *goes to check author's list of favourites* Nope, no Sasha. But lo and behold! Stories about Bella in military schools and similar are apparently not that uncommon after all. I don't get it! Of all possible female characters to make a badass, why clumsy, shy, no-personality Bella?
"So, while you do that, I am going to cover up my bruise with some make up. I really do not need dad to turn my night into the Spanish inquisition." I said getting up and going to my vanity.
Oh? I thought you wanted Alice to spend the next three years in interrogation.
"Okay, are you sure you are alright? No dizziness? Nauseous?" he asked, still wary about my health. I wouldn't blame him either, I really was quite the klutz in Forks.
"Don't worry, I will be fine, the safe is in the closet behind the wall mirror." I told him while turning to the vanity mirror to inspect the damage. What I saw was brutal; my entire left side of my face was black and blue. This would take some work to fix.
Well, vampires pack a strong punch.
Ten minutes later and an empty container of foundation and blush, I had finally masked my face to perfection. Dad wouldn't even tell it was make up.
No, he probably wondered why you had smeared your face with base coat.
Right as I finished, Carlisle walked in. He looked shocked. "Well, you certainly have an extensive record dear. I am guessing that most of it isn't from your inability to walk along a flat surface?" he said.
I wouldn't be so sure.
"Don't worry; you worry to much as it is when it comes to me." I told him, trying to sooth his way to worried mind.
"All right, the family is downstairs. They thought you might like some privacy." He said, some what soothed.
"Well, lets not keep them waiting shall we?" I told him, trying very hard not to grimace every time my mouth moved. I was in extreme pain, but better to suffer alone than have him suffer as well.
We went downstairs and saw that Esme was dry sobbing with Rosalie, as was Emmett. Booo Hooo! Alice hit Bella Talia. Girl fights are so awful!! Waaahhh!!!!Let's all totally overreact! Jasper was glaring at the pixie bitch herself, who was looking smug. Edward was no where to be seen, which I was very grateful for.
Upon noticing my entrance, they all looked up. I didn't know if they could see through the make up, but I hoped for Esme's sake that they couldn't.
"See, I didn't even leave a scratch, and I am sure that Bella forgives us all. Don't you Bella." This just fueled my anger, which caused Jasper to back off. He knew that if he messed with my emotions I would jut get worse.
"Actually pixie bitch, I don't forgive you. And I have absolutely no reason to forgive anyone else, because they didn't do anything wrong. As for not leaving a scratch, I am just good with make up. Now anyone who wants to can stay, but pixie bitch has to get the hell out and stay out." I told her, trying unsuccessfully not to plot her death.
Sic the Unit on her!
She huffed and stormed out of the door, where as everyone else just sat down. I sat down next to Jasper and tried to smile at him, but it probably came out as a grimace.
"Bella….can we see the bruises?" Rosalie asked hesitantly.
"Umm, are you sure you want to?" I asked, they all nodded except for Carlisle.
"Okay, be right back." I went into the bathroom and took off all the make-up.
Once Esme saw my face she started dry sobbing into Carlisle's chest. What is she bawling for? Shouldn't she be telling her daughter a few stern words instead? I know if I had beaten someone's face black and blue for no good reason, my mother wouldn't have just sat down in some other family's livingroom to cry. She'd have given me a five-hour lecture about why I sucked. Which is what I would have deserved. Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie looked ready to kill. I sat back down next to Jasper and waited for someone to say something.
"I'm so sorry." Was the first thing I heard, I looked to Emmett in surprise.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for Emmy, you didn't do anything." I told him, completely confused.
"Exactly, I didn't do anything to stop her." He said.
"Awe, Emmy bear, it's okay, I am pretty sure pixie bitch has been holdin that one in for quite a while hon. Here, come with me. I got something to show you." I had the perfect way to show him it wasn't his fault.
I lead him into the hallway, and to a room. The room had pictures of everyone I loved.
"You see this picture?" I asked, showing him a picture of my mom, me, and Kelly.
"Yeah." He said, confused by this.
"This is my mom, my sister, and me. I was five years old that day. Two days later, a man came into the back yard were we were all playing and shot them. A real Sue needs some tragedy in her backstory, preferrably around birthday time. Fifth B-day seems to be a favourite. I had hidden because we were playing hide and seek. I blamed myself, thinking that if I had been there, he would have killed me and left them alone. I blamed myself for three years. But then I realized, if someone is really determined to do something, that they will do it, no matter who tries to stop them. You couldn't have stopped her; she would have gotten past you. So don't blame yourself, you couldn't have stopped her." I told him, with my back to everyone.
Yeah, right... Emmett, who is 6 foot 5, could not have stopped Alice, who is 4 foot 7. He's only almost two feet taller than her and three times her weight.
"Belly boo…thank you." He said, and swung me into the air.
Another one of her nick names. She seems to have a lot.
"Sure sure." I told him.
"So, who are all the other people on this wall?" Esme asked.
"Well, this is a picture of Tony, Me, McGoo, Dad, and Kate." I said, my voice breaking at Kate's name.
"You all look like you're laughing at a really funny joke." Jasper said.
"We were, that was the day that we all went swimming at the beach. I had bet Tony that I could beat him surfing. And I had done the wave perfectly, where as Tony wiped out and lost his shorts." I said chuckling at the end.
And they all got to see Tony's junk. how hilarious!
"This is me and Abby; we were discussing what I should get for my first tattoo when I turned 18. In fact, she is taking me to get it tomorrow." I told them, with a smile on my face.
"What are you getting?" Rosalie asked.
"I am getting a trident with fire surrounding it. Abby always calls me Ariel A LOT of nick names!, so this one is dedicated to her. Also, I am getting a forget me not rose bush with pictures of Kate, Kelly and Shannon." I told her.
Where? Covering your entire back? BTW, getting tattoos with pictures of people is generally not recommended, because they usually end up looking fugly as shit. And what is a forget-me-not rose bush?
"That is really sweet dear, I am sure your mother and sister would be proud of you." Esme told me.
"Thanks. This last one is of me and my twin brother, Nico. We're at summer camp down on long island. It was a sort of strange camp. But I had tons of fun, except when Clarisse fought me, I got a pretty big scar for that one." This made me feel sad. I missed Nico more than anything in the whole world.
"You have a twin brother?" Emmett asked surprised.
I was surprised too, because you should have mentioned someone as important in your life as a twin a little earlier!
"Yeah, but I haven't seen him in three or four years, he is a major in the United States Army right now, so I don't know when I will see him again." This made me even sadder.
OK, I lied. He is an 18-year-old major. That's a lot less preposterous.
"Well, why don't you just turn around and give him a hug then?" I heard an all to familiar voice ask from the hallway.
"NICKY!" I screamed and ran at him, successfully knocking us both to the ground.
"Hey to you to Hells, how's it been?" he asked.
And he has another nick for her. How surprising.
"Pretty good, but it will get better when you get off!" I yelled in his ear, making him jump.
"Jesus hells, that's my ear you know." He said rubbing his ear.
"I know, hey where's everyone else?" I asked him, wondering where the rest of our brothers were.
DAMMIT AUTHOR, HOW MANY SIBLINGS HAS YOUR CHARACTER GOT?? I thought she had just had this one sister who had been killed along with their Mom. But nooooo, there is a huge Gibbs clan here! They can form a 70s band!
"Well, Alec and Jane are coming in two hours; they just have to do something. And Marcus is just out hunting." He told me, making me squeal and jump up.
Oh thank you, thank you for not giving her brothers called Barry, Maurice and Robin, at least! Although, Jane is a brother now?
"Hey, what's with your face?" he asked.
A tiny pixie girl bitch slapped me, and everyone is crying about it.
"Oh, I hurt myself training again, but don't tell dad." I told him, while going back into my room and reapplying the make up.
I thought you used all your concealer the first time.
"Okay." He said going downstairs and bringing back up two shots of whiskey.
"Isn't it a little early for alcohol bone boy?" I asked him
"Well, you are sure to be hiding the pain from that, so I figure this will help. And everyone says, never drink alone." He told me, downing his shot.
"Thanks, it sure does hurt like a bitch." I told him.
"Come on, let me introduce you to the Cullens." I brought him back out to the living room.
"Guys, this is my awesome brother Nico. Nico this is Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper. Pixie bitch and Edward aren't here." I told him
"Really hells? Vampires? Why is it most of your friends are vamps?" at this all thee Cullens gasped.
"Don't worry, their veggie vamps, like Carmen and Elazar." I turned back to the shocked vampires. "All law enforcement agency know of vampires through the Volturi. They work with NCIS and other agencies to find killers and rogue vampires." I told them.
Yeah, they are really upstanding citizens.
"Really?" Carlisle asked, some what in shock.
"Yeah, in fact I am friends with Alec and Jane. A few paragraphs ago they were your brothers. Are you sure you aren't trolling with us? The Volturi are going to make me a vampire in two weeks, dad agreed because he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me." I told Carlisle.
Yay, she is going to be a gothic vamp Sue.
"What!" they all shouted at once.
"Jeez guys, your ears might be super powered and stuff, but I am still human." I told them holding my ears.
"Sorry darling, but what do you mean your best friends with the witch twins?" he asked.
"Well, when I was five, I went hiking. It turns out Icky Vicky was there hunting, so she tried to eat me. Jane and Alec saved me from the red headed witch if the west, and we became best friends." I told him, he started growling at the mention of Victoria.
No one likes Victoria. Poor Victoria.
I walked over to him, and put my hand on his cheek in attempt to calm him down. I felt a jolt of electricity, like I used to with Edward, but I ignored it. Jumping from it wouldn't help calm him down.
I rubbed soothing circles on his cheek, and he started purring. Is he a cat.hybrid-mutant now? This made me smile, I was happy my presence calmed him.
Everyone else looked shocked at him. I wonder why, hmmm….. I thought about all the other times I had heard a vampire purr. The only time I could think of was between mates.
Then it clicked, Jasper and I were mates. This caused me to stop moving my hand, and stare at Jasper in shock.
Haha! The Sue gets what the Sue wants!
"A- are we….?" I asked him.
"Yes, we are mates." He said. This made me so happy. I had thought that I was just thinking things and was wrong.
I hugged him with everything I had in me, and he hugged me back. It was then that I noticed I was purring also, but not as loud as Jasper.
How does a human even produce that sound?
"What do we do know?" I asked, unsure of where this left us in terms of a relationship.
"Well, I would be entirely grateful if you would be my girlfriend ma'am." He said, coating his voice in that southern drawl.
"Why I would be happy to." I told him, my own southern accent leaking out.
Just then Edward came in, roaring at us. I wonder where he has been.
"NO! Isabella is mine! I am her mate! Not you!" he roared.
And then all the mirrors shattered, like in that Avril Lavigne video, and the shards rained down all around them as Edward's shirt burst open with mussels? No?
"First off, nobody owns me, and you especially don't own me. You lost any right to call me yours when you left me in the middle of a forest." I yelled, pissed off that he thought he could speak for me.
"But, Bella" he started, but I didn't let him get any further than that.
"No Edward. You made your choices, now be a big boy and deal with the consequences." I said, in my best scolding mother voice.
"Fine." He said coldly, and sat down on the chair across the room.
"So, Janie and Alec should be here in a few minutes. I am going to go change." I told them, then got up and went upstairs to my room. I changed into my blood red mini, black corset top, lace up red stilettos, and crop leather jacket. I made sure the make up covered the bruise and ran downstairs.
Why change clothes when it's pretty much the same outfit anyway? Oh, right. To show off the Sues fabulous wardrobe.
I looked out the window and saw that all the Cullens, Marcus, Alec, and Jane were outside. I ran right outside screaming Alec's name.
"Little Mermaid!" he screamed and picked me up and tossed me thirty feet into the air.
Yeah. Totally. And yet another nick name.
"AH! Alec put me down!" I screamed, fearing for my sanity.
"What's the magic word?" he asked, throwing me again.
"Pretty please oh brilliant Alec, put me down, so I don't puke on your sparkly ass!" I screamed, adding the last part for humor.
ARE you trolling?
"Fine, but only because I know you would go get your blow torch if I didn't." he said, finally putting me on the ground.
"EEE! JANE!" I screamed and gave her a bear hug that could rival a real bear. She hugged me screaming my name.
When she let me go I ran up to Marcus an hugged him, "Hello Uncle Marcus." I told him.
Uncle? That is quite different from brother, Miss author!
"Hello Talia, how have you been?" he asked me, with a smile on his face. "I have been good, but I miss everyone down in Volterra. Oh and guess what?" I told him, barely breathing in between words.
"What?" he asked chuckling at my enthusiasm.
"I found my mate!" I fake whispered to him, even though everyone else could here me perfectly.
"That is wonderful my dear, now, tell me who is the lucky fellow that gets to have the kitten for a mate?" he asked.
Kitten. Another name for the same girl. She is just that special.
"I am." Jasper said, coming up to me and taking my hand.
"Well, I sure hope the god of war can deal with this little kitten." He said, Jasper stiffened at his old name.
"Don't worry, I already know your story from Demetri, he really likes to talk about fighting. And I am proud of you." I told him and kissed his cheek.
"How could you ever be proud of me? I am a monster." He said, drowning in self loathing.
Oh no. Now that it's Jaspers turn to be Sue-belongings, it's also his turn to be EMO.
"Because, all you ever knew back then was death, and you wanted something else. You wanted to be good, even though you didn't know of this life. You chose to leave. And you know, I have met Peter, and I must say he can get on your nerves." I told him, trying to get him to think better of himself.
He looked up to me, happiness showing on every inch of his face. He kissed me softly, and unexpectedly, his tongue begged for entrance. This caused me to gasp, giving his tongue entrance.
Wow. Ikea erotica written in the Department of Redundancy Department.
I jumped from him when I heard someone cough loudly to get our attention. I had forgotten that we had an audience.
"Well, I am tired. I'm going to bed, night Jasper, night everyone." I kissed his cheek and went upstairs after receiving many good nights.
Once my head hit the pillow I was asleep, and I suspected Jasper had something to do with it.
Oh yes, Jasper the walking Prozac. I don't know about you, but I think I have had more fun snarking other stuff. If this is a troll, she is not very good at it. And if she is not a troll, she is... not very good at it. TO BE CONTINUED…
I'm not going to be holding my breath. She seems to have abandoned this fic in favour of an X-Men cross over with the same Bella-Talia character. Except in that story, she is a real Sue...
Post by Chibithulhu on Nov 18, 2011 19:53:14 GMT -8
... Oh, joy. I'd say at the moment? Leaning towards legit, if only because those are all ACTUAL names she's got. A million overly long ones, true, but they are in fact names.
But does this fic EVER suck.
And while I'm not sure the exact statistics on Americans moving, from my experience it's not incredibly common to move around a lot unless a family member's in the armed forces, but one or two big moves certainly wouldn't be unheard of.
Pikachu: Sure, it's overmarketed, ought to be level 300 by now, and has gotten downright annoying, but deep down it just wants to be loved... Screw it. LEAF BLADE!
I'm definitely leaning towards legit suethor here. She is probably also on the young side, say 14-15, and probably wishes she could dress like Talia in real life. But it's still bad, very bad. It's strange how all these fics turn out so similar, almost as is the authors are following some sort of recipe that is supposed to guarantee coolness. Instead it guarantees zero originality. The other fic is a lot worse, Sue-wize, and about twice as long (and counting), so I don't think I can be arsed to do that one.
Post by Talys Alankil on Nov 19, 2011 16:41:45 GMT -8
This is the kind of author I wish was a troll, but is probably legit nonetheless. *sigh* Where do they get these ideas, really. I mean, she was abducted, raped, had her mother and sister killed, is friends with the Volturi… Also most of that happened when she was five. I don't even.
Well, feel free to not snark the other fic. I'm not sure I could gather the energy to read it, snarked or not.
Post by Chibithulhu on Nov 22, 2011 9:16:38 GMT -8
Oh, Woolseyisms. Yeah, that could make sense- major rhymes don't translate well.
I'm not kidding, the pop version was playing A LOT on the radio back when I was a kid. It would hunt you down and devour you whole. Same goes for the Elton John version of Can You Feel The Love Tonight- I STILL hear that song sometimes on soft rock stations. I'm not exaggerating, that song could be inescapable.
Pikachu: Sure, it's overmarketed, ought to be level 300 by now, and has gotten downright annoying, but deep down it just wants to be loved... Screw it. LEAF BLADE!
And Sammy strikes again. Is the fic getting any funnier? Nah. But at least she adds a new source for possible conflict.
AN: sry it took me soooo long 2 right thiss, gaiz! sme stuupd relitives came over. i hated it. D:
We all walked to the bookstore. And they all went inside the store. Oh the so-not-amusing POV changes. The walls were lined with hundreds of books and Ariana couldn't wait to look at a few of them. Her fingers itched to pull one off of the shelves. Go ahead. Towards the back of the store she saw people milling about, but no one was near the front of the store. Stairs led up to a second floor on the side and bookshelves even lined the staircase so every spare inch was covered in books. A book-nerd's dream, eh? However, this Sue of yours doesn't actually sound like the type who reads too much. Didn't you actually say somewhere that she never read books because she was too cool for that? Hermione and Ron went off on their own to look through the books and Fred and George, the twins, went of on their own as well. Ginny followed her brothers.
They couldn't go on their own if Ginny was with them. Duh.
"I'm going upstairs."
"Okay, Ariana." Harry said.
I went up the stairs and stared at all the books surrounding me. I picked one off the shelf and opened it. It was a book about botanical magic. I placed it back.
You know, reading the signs on top of the shelves, stating what category the books on that particular shelf is, or even just reading the title on the spine of the book, can prevent that sort of disappointments.
"Can I help you find anything?" A voice said behind her and she turned to see who it was. It was a boy with very pale blonde hair that was slicked back with gel. He looked rich. He had good clothing on, a suit.
And by suit, she means leather pants and a tight T-shirt.
"No, I'm good." She walked away to continue looking, but the boy followed.
"I know this store a lot because I come here for school."
Oh, so they are in Flourish and Blott's.
"Do you go to school with Harry Potter?"
Well, duh? How many wizarding schools are there in Britain? Actually, she can be excused for not knowing that, since she is an American Muggle.
"Yes, he's in the house of Gryffindor and I'm in the house of Slytherin. Our houses are rivals. I hate Harry."
What? That's it? No rant about how much Potter Sucks?
"He's my boyfriend."
"Well that's unfortunate. I was hoping to take you for myself."
And the irrisistable pull of a Sue creates trouble once again.
"That's not the right attitude to get a girlfriend, boy."
Wow, she is rejecting Draco. Where did that spine come from?
"Who are you calling boy? I'm older than you, by the looks of it."
"I have lived much longer than you boy. I'm older than I look."
Oh, right. She's half vampire. Actually, Sammy, you never stated her age.
"What are you? Some shriveled old woman?"
"No, I'm a half vampire."
He leaned forward, interested.
"A half-breed! How fascinatingly disgusting!"
"Get away from her, Draco Malfoy!" It was Harry, to my rescue.
"Nice girlfriend you've got, Harry. Mind if I steal her?"
"Of course I mind!"
But does the floozy here mind, that's the question.
"WELL I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!" He grabbed her by the arm and summoned his broomstick. Finally some drama in this story! He threw her on and blew a hole in the ceiling, flying through it. Isn't that stolen from Real Ariana? Except that was the machine gun they flew on, probably. Ariana yelled at Harry, but he was too far away and they soared away through the sky and clouds, leaving him behind. There was no way he could follow her. He didn't have his broomstick with him.
But he's pretty good at apparating.
"Put me down!"
"Sure, you can go down, but you won't look as pretty once you hit the ground below."
Draco is actually a bit nasty, this could be fun if Sammy would just get a bit better at updating. But please, no mancarrots or mushrooms.
She huffed and sat up on the broom.
"You might want to hold on. We're going through some bumpy skies now."
Um, Draco... if you are flying so high up that you are experiencing turbulence, then there is probably not enough oxygen in the air for you to breath properly in.
The broom shuddered and she almost fell off, so she wrapped her arms around his waist even though she didn't want to. Eventually they began flying downwards, out of the sky.
They landed on a beach. A stone pathway led up to a mansion that sat on the edge of the beach. It was a beautiful, stone mansion with giant glass windows that overlooked the waters. The waters were a dark greenish blue and churned onto the sands because of a storm in the distance in the sky. The one they had flown through. And how many skies are there in the vicinity of the Malfoy Mansion, exactly? She was glad that they hadn't gone through it while it had been raining or they would have been soaked. Just as she thought that it began to rain on the beach, the water falling from the sky.
As opposed to shooting up from the sand.
She had no choice but to do so, as there was no other building in sight and she wanted to get out of the rain, so she followed Draco up the path to the house. Inside it was warm and a fire burned in the fireplace.
That's sensible. She has just been kidnapped by a total stranger, a stranger whose family quite possibly has a well equipped torture room in the basement. (Well, in canon they have a cell, at least.) So when given the choice between trying to run away and get wet, and staying dry and be put on the racks, it's obvious what she is going to choose.
She did. Suddenly a snake lunged out at her from behind the couch!
And if Nagini is there, then so is probably Voldemort. Suddenly this fic gained some potential again.
I found something way, way worse than this on FF, and I seriously concidered snarking it. The author is a plagiarizer, and would sort of deserve some sporking, but the truth is I felt sorry for her. She was that bad. So, instead I tried giving her some advice on how to improve. I'm almost hoping she will throw a hizzy-fit, though.
Actually, Draco is in Ariana's fics in some way, because she turned Assef into him. Assef is still half Afghan, and definitely not supposed to be a blond, white kid. Not to mention he is a Taliban as an adult, with a full beard and all.
Sadly, there are many, many writers at ff.net who make Real Ariana seem like a reasonable writer. Mostly because she is breaking the rules of grammar, spelling and sanity on purpose because she knows the rules, while some of the others are painfully sincere in their efforts but don't. Sammy, here, is somewhat different because she is trying to be nothing but a troll, but is apparently scared to take the plunge into true dreadfulness. These last few chapters look like they could come right out of a run-of-the-mill HP fic written by a teenager. I wish she could make up her mind about whether she wants to write a serious story or not.
Last Edit: Dec 7, 2011 13:49:35 GMT -8 by Tigeranne