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Post by Anya the Purple on Feb 17, 2012 5:38:05 GMT -8
^hmm. i'll have to look her up.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 17, 2012 14:24:51 GMT -8
Please do, Anya! Her newest work, Creating the Risque is actually very funny.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 25, 2012 5:53:49 GMT -8
Because there is a lot of useful stuff I could do today, I'm going to snark bad fics instead.summry:- plese enjoi story u imporv us. i might publish it now son.
it was da nex morin. i woked up an den i gut out of bed. ti was da suni day agen. it was monday so we had lcasses. Just to jog your memory, you had classes yesterday as well, when it was supposed to be Sunday. i wen 2 da bathrom nad put on mi rob. den i wen 2 da big hall wher everybodi eats. den we gut usm oragne juice an cereals. I hope the orange juice wasn't instead of milk. i ated it an den i had sum fried stuff. If you can't tell what it was, maybe you shouldnet have ated it in the first place... ron was sting nest to me. he was werin a blak pands an no top but his musles were riped an sexy. As far as I remember, Ron is described as "lanky" in canon, so I don't think his muscles are the most amazing ever. he was werin sum blak eyeliner dat wer makin him look like cat eyes. eh had sum red liptisk. i was werin a white shirt an blak pants. we eated allll da food on r plates. Good boys, now you will grow big and strong.den we wen 2 da class. it was magic class. DUH! we wer lernin how 2 tranform sum stuf in2 uder stuf. we wen wakin in 2 clas. we sat down in r chars. "how r u doin" sed da boi wit da scare ahed of me. "o im fin" i sed. No, you're Piddo. Finn isn't even in this story, thank goodness."dats gud" he sed. "im hary potra" he sed. "its nice 2 met u hairy." "wats ur nam" he askd. "i sed mi nam is fraggle edward piddo crulin" i sed. "but u can call me wali. dats wats mi frens cal me." "ok" he sed. Ok, this is almost as boring as the conversations Sammy writes."wat r u bois all takin abut?" assef asked. "o nodin just introducin meself 2 hurry" i sed. "cool- helo hairy" "helo im hairy" sed hary. Yeah, he's a real testosteron beast..."ok im assef" he reptiled. [color=TealReptiles = creeps. So that's an appropriate action for Assef.[/color] da mignogle was out on busines so we had no techer. den we wer talkin an sum ppl wer swingin from da roof. den dooblydooblyooblydoobledore came in 2 da class room. Spelling "Dumbledore" seems to get more difficult as braincells escape by the thousands."LETS HAV A POP QUIZ!11111111" he sed an den he threw assef in2 da wall. *Immature gigglyness at Assef's misfortune*we had a pop quiz on all da old wiserds dat wer old. it was hard coz histry of makig is not my fortay. Are you good at anything in this fic? assef did not 2 da quiz coz he was unconscious. That makes sense. den da class was over. so we wen 2 da nex class. "dat was a hard quiz" sed ron. "ya" sed hatty potter. "o mi hed" sed assef. Not really feeling sorry for him.we wen 2 charms class. da techer was an old man who was short becus he was not tall. DurrHurr!!
he was wakkin aroun teechin us. it was sum tin about a feather. I'm not really surprised you suck at everything, Piddo. I have yet to see you pay attention in a single class. den i wen in2 anothr rom. "where are u goin" flickydick sed. I didn't need that mental image. Not thanks."o im goin 2 da kidich match" i sed. But you don't even like Quidditch!"ya cos da cup is comin an im da golkeper" Assef sed. "im da sneker" sed hairy. "ok lets go 2 da pitch" sed fliterwirk. so we wen 2 da pitch. den we got out r broms. "lets go in2 da stans" sed iron. "ok" i sed. so we wen 2 da class. Wait a sec. Didn't Flitwick just cancel class because there was a much more important Quidditch match about to start?we wer walkin in 2 da stains. "do u like kidetch" sed ron. "ya i gess its ok1" i replyed. Short term memory loss. No wonder he's unable to pay attention. so we sat down. da game was playin. it was da grifedor team versus da slytherin team. every1 was cherin. dere was a lot of dem. dey wer in all da seats. suddenly... draco threw a big ball. it hit assef in da stumach an he roled on2 da grond. he fell off his brom. Whooo!"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH11111" he sed. "AASSSEFFFFFF! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO11111" i sed. every1 scremed an den dobledortypor cam out. den assef died. Enjoy the Assef-less-ness, because he doesn't stay that way.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 25, 2012 6:31:21 GMT -8
sumry: PLESE EJOY! im crapin dem on 1 by 1. haha
When you're describing your own writing efforts as crapping the chapters, then everyone should know it's bad.
we wen 2 da hosptil wing where assef was coz he was stil recuverin from gettin hit by draco's ball. "r u ok" i asked.
So much for dead Assef.
"ya i gess so" he sed. we brot him sum flowers. dey were red an wite. dey were blu as well. dere wus a pink ribbon around da front of dem. dey were fresh from da herbilogy rom. "ill put dese in a cup" sed ron smilin.
Guh. Sammy vibes.
"tanks" sed assef an smiled. ron wen ova 2 wher a slytherin boy was recoverin from a warewolf atack. (not lumpin now but greybark) ron piked up his cup of medicin an thru it on da flor. Looks like Ron has been negatively influenced by the bad company he's been keeping for two chapters. den da nurse came in an startd clenin it up. Ron put da flours in da cup an put sum water on it. he put it on da cupbard nex 2 da bed.
Then the flowers withered because Ron forgot to wash off the medicine recidue.
"dere u go now" he sed.
"tank u very much" sed Assef. we sat an talked 2 him 4 a long while. da nurse sed dat assef had 2 go 4 an operashun becoz da ball had riped open his stomch an his ribs wer fallin out. so we wen away.
If his ribs, which are pretty securely attached, are falling out, I wonder what condition his intestines are in! And no way he should have visitors. He should be under heavy duty sedation.
"i hope hell be ok.." sed ron.
"ya me 2... wats goin 2 happen 2 draco? will he be suspinded?" i asked.
"i doubt it... his farter is very poplar wit da ministery" ron sed. dat made me angry. y cud sum ppl do bad tings nd get away wit it? Pot. Kettle. who wud want 2 be frens wit a bad person? Compared to Assef, Draco is all sorts of morally upright.
"i no wat u meen wali" ron sed. "by the way u can call me stalion." Ummm, OK?
"ok stalin" i sed. Oh, that actually fits.
me an stalion wen in 2 da grate hall because it was lunch tim. Hi, Tim! Tim: Why is it always ME? i sat down at a table an started eatin sum chiken an soup. (but not chiken sup) den, who shud cum over 2 me, but... DRACO!111 he grabed my soup an threw it in my face. Draco, I love you!
"irkinfuckinsinkershirkerassef" he sed. dis was indian 4 "i hope assef dies on da operatin table" i cud understand wat he sed cus i am fluent in indian. i got rly angry. i took out mi wand an pointed it at draco. Huh? Did she actually spell "wand" right?
"take dat bak" i sed.
"no" he sed an lafed.
"take it bak" i sed agen.
"no" he sed agen.
"TAKE IT BAK111111111" i shouted an den i shot sum magik on him. he fell off his seat an den he turned in2 a hipogrif.
Baaaad move, Piddo! Hippogriffs are capable of inflicting some serious injuries, and Draco knows that first hand!
"wats goin on here" sed profesor snap. i got scarred. Because Draco slashed him up. But being a vampire he grew back together immediately. draco was runnin around screemin but we cudnt here him because he was a hipgroff. I doubt they are mute. "wat did u do dat 4?" sed snape.
"it was becus he insutled mi fren" i sed. stalion was sad cus he thought i wud surli be xpled now.
"well dats no excuse" sed snepa. "ur goin 2 hav 2 chang him bak" he sed.
What a dreadful punishment. Snape is so unfair.
"o... ok" i sed but i didnt want 2. i poined mi wand at draco agen an he turned bak in2 a boy agen. den stalion an i wen 4 a walk out up 2 da tower. we cud her sumden cumin from da top of da tower. we wlked up all suspicsilly.
Have some rewritten HbP.
"wats goin n her" i sed. "o noddin" ron geesed. it was da death eaters an draco!111 an dumblerdore was der as well. hary potr was hidin behind dem but dey cudnt see him because he had a scar on his hed. He had his invisibility cloak on and was immobilized. I guess Piddo's vampire x-ray vision could still detect him.
"watcha doin her" i sed.
"o hello harry" he sed. "hello ron" Wait. Who is speaking now?
"I AM STALION" ron shouted impashently. den da deth eeters herd us. Idiot.
"GET DEM" dey sed an den dey started shoutin magic out dere wands at us. der wus a lot of dem. harry was potterin around. Um, haha? i took out mi wan and started shotin spells at da death eaters. bella fell down. What was she even doing there? den dumblidore toke out a bigass gun an jumped on it. This isn't old... he started firin at every1. den snape came. That masturbator!
"now u die artimus dubklerortmoer" he sed.
"nooooooooooo11111" stalion an harry potter sed. jus den... a beam of red light came out of nowher an shot up snap in da face. Stun spell, right?
"arghhhhhh my face!11111111" he sed. Apparently not.
"let my ppl go" sum1 sed. it was... Assef!1111
"assef" i sed. "how ar u here? i thought u wer bein opertited on"
"i just got out" he sed. Wow, he healed up quickly. Almost like that time on Spooks when Lucas got shot, and it looked really bad. And in the next episode, which was set the next morning, he was toters healthy again. snap cam up behind him an started firin. "look out111111111" sed ron an he umped assef Urrrr.... out of da way. dey both rolled on2 da ground an da spell hit draco. he dyed. der was a lot of blood an guts. Who thinks Draco isn't dead. I mean, exploding is usually non-fatal in the Arianaverse.
"ron" sed assef. "u saved mi lif." If he'd stayed in the hospital he wouldn't have needed additional saving.
"don mensjon it" sed ron. "an call mi stalion"
"ok stalion." an dey got up an dey both ran at da darth eaters an stared firin at dem. den snap started firin spells from da left an da rite.
"its not safe here" sed bomblefart. Said who? Hogwarts doesn't have any teacher by that name. "u must go"
"but how" i sed. "da tower is soooo high up"
"i no" he sed. den he threw us his gun. "use mi uzbob" eh sed.
"ok" we sed.
"QUICKLY EVERY1 LETS GET DA ORDER!11111" sed Assef. so we all jumped on2 da gun an started flyin away. den as we wer flyin we herd sumtin. it was... dumblerdor! he was fallin off da tower!1111 Wasn't he on the ground? Oh, right. That was Bomblefart.
"nooooo1111" i sed.
"lets cat him" sed hary poter. Not going to help, because he's been AK'ed.
"ok" i sed an started 2 steer da gun.
"WALI WAT R U DOIN UR GOIN DA WROG WAY" assef shouted an he grabbed da gun off me.
Dumbass. You are several metres up in the air!
"noooooooooo111111" i sed.
"nooooo1111111111" stalion sed.
"nooo11111" ron sed. So Ron has a second face to scream with, like Quirrel?
"noooooooooooooo111" harry sed.
"nooooooo111" assef sed.
HUUUUUUUU! said Sasuke.
den i relized... i was heddin 4 da WUMPIN WIDDOW!1111
"omgooooddddddddd" i sed an tried 2 dog. dumbledor was still falin. den i grabled him an lay him on da gun. Were you guys even in the vicinity oif the tower? he was stil alive but bearly. "wali" he sed. "we hav 2 stop da gun."
No sh*t, Sherlock.
"how" i sed. dumbelrpottymore new how.
"i no how" sed dumpydoor. he grabed assef an threw him off da gun. Anyone else have a feeling that Dumbledore doesn't like Assef for some reason? assef rolled on2 da grioin You meant "groin", right? an laned on da grass.
"assef" i shouted.
"im ok" he sed. "WATCH OUT!111"
We swerved an den we crashed rite in2 da tower. we fell of da gun. assef ran over 2 us an asked it were ok.
"ya i gess" we sed.
"noooo111" stalino sed. standin dere was da dead body of dublieodore.
You have to handle old people more carefully!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 25, 2012 6:54:19 GMT -8
chapta 4: we is in truble
authorsnots: dis chpta starts off from wher da last 1 ended.
we wer standin by ehr dulbemore's body was layin. dere was a lot of blood cumin out of his moth an his eyes wer open but he cudnt see us cus he was ded. Durrhurrhurrp! I knelt down bsdie him. i put mi han on his nek. "ders no pulz" i sed. It's not all that uncommon for dead people to not have it. Just saying. hary came over 2 me an took out his wand.
"wake up" he sed. dumblydore didnt wake up cos he was ded. Wow, we have some eminent first rate geniuses here! "pls wake up?" harry asked. but he didnt. Assef knelt an put a hand on his fac an closed his eyes. "der" he sed. "dats more asseptible, innit?" we all noded. we all wer crin. den we herd a nose.
"wats goin on her?" sed an old wooman voice. it was profesor mickongle. "water u doin" she asked.
"noddin... we wuznt doin noddin" sed assef. den she saw da body.
DUN DUN UND!
"wats dis?" she asked. "who is dis" she sed. She has forgotten her glasses today.
"um... its dumbeldorooooooooo" i sed.
"y is he on da ground" she sed. Even good old McGee is stupid in this story.
"hes ded" stalion sed. "snoop killed him"
micongal fell 2 her knees bside da ded body. "nooooooooooooo11111" she sed.
"yessssss11" we sed. That sounded very sympathetic indeed.
"an y ar u bois bi d body?" she asked.
"cos we wer tryin 2 shave him" assef sed. Leave his beard alone! he held up da gun. "he gav us dis 2 sav us."
"buy 1?" ask da teecher. Gun dealing in the school yard is obviously not discouraged.
"nawwww, he died"
"sho..." she sed. "ur at da seen of da crime, ANN u hav a weepon" she sed.
"ya..." hairy potty didnt understnd wut wa goin on...
"well... dis is certinly supsihos.." she sed. "ud better get 2 class." Worse punishment than a life sentence in Azkaban.
"ok" we sed an we did. we had posion. snape was not in d class it was Horatio foghhorn. we wen 2 class an lernded sum gud stuff. den... al of a sudan... STALIN RAN IN WERIN NODDIN BUT HIS BOXERS!111111
Ewwwww, Stalin in his undies!
"we hav a test on CARE OF HORITCLAR cretures!11" he sed.
Um, horticulture is the care of flowers. So I guess he means a herbology test?
"we will never get dere on tim" i sed. Tim:*looks around nervously* den i relized... we still had dumbledores gun. i climmed up on2 da desk. "assef i sed... push us off den ump on"
"oook" he sed. so anyway, me and harry and stalion got onto the gun. assef gave us one mitey PUSH an we wen flyin thru da air. den Assef wen runnin an dove on 2 da gun. For someone who had all his ribs stitched back in place just half an hour previously, that's quite a feat. we were now flyin at high speeds thru da air. "wahoooooo!111" sed stalion an harry cus we wer goin 2 fast.
"LOOK OUT A WALL!111" sed Assef. i dogged justin time. we wer now hedin right 4 da top floor window. "dis is gonna hurt" sed assef. we hit da window nd glass was flyin everywhere. Like in that Avril video? now we wer goin downhill. it was terifyin. "WUTS GOIN ON HERE?" sed Filsth, but we cudnt answer cause we wer goin so fast. we wer now flyin thru da quiddicth picth. den we wer hedin 4 da stands.
"WALI! WALI DO SOMETHIN!" Stalion screamed. i was tryin 2 pull da gun up. we wer close 2 da stands.
"WALIIIIIIIIII11111" screamed assef. den... I SHOT DA GUN UP IN DA AIR!111 we wen spinin thru da air at high speeds. we wer flyin down da big hill 2wards hagrids hut. it was soooooooooooo FAST!111 I was sholken. "NOOOOO!1111" we sed.
Wheee, this is so exciting?
den... we saw hagrid gettin redy 2 giv us a test. "OMGOOOODDDOOOOODDDDDD!" he sed. Assef tried 2 stop but it was 2 late. we flew in2 his ginourmus self. Ouch! we bounced off an fell of da gun. assef wen flyin an landed in da garden. "ewwwww" he sed.
Veggies are toters gross.
"WELL DON" sed hargrid. "u passed da test"
THE END.
And with that I concider myself finished with Ariana for now. At least in her original form. My next snarking project is Italian Rose's sanity fail Creating the Risque, in which all doubt that she is Ariana is washed away.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2012 11:13:06 GMT -8
Read this. Cracked up. Oh my God, Creating the Risque is... unbelievable. Please snark it. Please.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Feb 25, 2012 14:24:22 GMT -8
…I can't. I can't read these all the way. I'll try to read it, like, paragraph per paragraph.
Also, how many ways did she invent to misspell Dumbledore ? I mean… "dooblydooblyooblydoobledore" ? Seriously ?
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 26, 2012 4:03:53 GMT -8
As promised, here is Creating the Risque. It does not have the atrocious spelling characteristic of Ariana, so it will probably be easier to read.
Summary:- "Monsters are created, not born." Oh, Edward, you should have listened to Carlisle.
It starts out quite innocently.
The stars lit the sky in the most beautiful of ways, but Edward could not appreciate this, as he had already committed the second murder of the day. And by "innocent" I mean not overly trolly. You see, Edward was a vampire, he was created by a doctor named Carlisle Cullen, Carlisle had been lonely and he had created Edward who was dying of the Spanish Influenza. Edward's mother, his birth mother, Elizabeth, had known what Carlisle was, and she had begged him to save her son. Carlisle had taken Edward into his home, and become like a father to him. Now he had also changed another vampire, a woman named Esme with whom Carlisle had fallen in love. She had become like a mother to Edward, she had committed suicide at the loss of her baby and Carlisle had found her at the morgue. Anyway, Edward and his family were now the vampires who were vegetarians, which meant that they did not eat humans, they ate animals. Edward liked mountain lions.
Pure and true canon right there.
Edward had left his only father as he did not agree with the way that Carlisle chose to live his life. He was now murdering people to drink his blood, He drank his own blood after murdering people. but it was okay as he only murdered bad people like murderers and the like. He thought that if he saved someone's life by taking another then he would not be a bad person, he would be good.
It's a little more complicated than that, I think.
Edward had been stealthly sneaking around for quite some time when he heard voices coming from an alley way. As silently as he could, he unbuttoned his shirt Uh, what for? and started to make his way to the mouth of the alley which is where he could hear the voices. He quietly pressed his body up against the wall and started to listen. From his peripheral vision he could just make out that there were some people standing, three boys all of whom looked to be about 16 or 17 years old, it was hard to tell. They were surrounding a boy with a red coat whose eyes seemed to appear frightened. Edward quickly scoped out there leader, he was the one in the middle wearing the blue jacket and he seemed to be threatening the little boy.
"No" the boy said.
Edward could understand what they were saying because he was fluent, In what language? he could read minds and was clearly able to read the mind of the so-called leader. He had never been more disgusted than he had now, when he knew what the leader was going to do to the boy, he was going to assault him in a sexual manner. Which is what Assef does. Spoiler, spoiler, this is Assef. Edward could feel himself starting to dry sob, Yes, dry sobbing. The ultimate display of emotions in a fan fic. this boy did not deserve the horrid deed that was going to happen to him. It reminded him of how Esme had said she was raped by Charles her old husband, who had also tried to kill her, and that was why Edward was so upset. He knew that he had to do something, to save this boy, who was about to get anally raped by this other boy. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Edward shouted, his voice was so powerful that it caused the ground to shake under there feet.
Wow. Careful, Eddy. Causing an earthquake is not gong to do anyone any good.
The leader turned around, his eyes widened in surprise and he glanced at his two "friends" to see whether they knew what was going on, they didn't and this surpised him even more. "Wha-?" he said but he barely had time to do anything as Edward slammed into him and caught him around the waist him and they both flew at lightning speed into the wall. Edward was going so fast that when they slammed into the wall, the leader closed his eyes and hissed in pain because he had just slammed into the wall Well, duh. and how his head was bleeding. Edward growled, and flung him to the ground with such force that he broke his arm. "What the fuck?" the boy said You mean "Owww! My arm!" as Edward lept on top of him pressed a foot down onto his neck. He was asphixiating, choking. Edward got the smell of blood off the boy and his thirst was too strong, he duck his teeth into the boy's throat and started to drain him dry. Meanwhile, the other two boys were shocked, there friend was choking, and the little boy was crying, he was so scared.
"Enough, please," he said, only this was enough to make Edward stop.
'What am I doing?' he thought to himself, he was comitting a homicide, is what he was doing.
Only the third today.
"Oh my God, run, get out of here!" he said to the others, he did not want to kill them, so they ran away as fast as theire feet could carry them. Edward got up off the leader but it was too late, he had begun to choke, he was turning into a vampire, he was going to become an undead creature of the night, Uh oh! Edward looked around to make sure that nobody was looking he bent down and picked up the boy over his shoulder and then he brought him to the appartment which he had been renting while he was rebelling from Carlisle. He put the other boy down on the sofa, he could not believe that he had just created another vampire. Oh, not just a vampire. A sociopathic vampire, who should never be allowed super strenght and speed. It was a complete and utter shock. The boy's eyes were now going from black to red, a blood red, which was disgustingly red. Edward decided to kill time by playing the piano Sadly enough, that's probably what canon Edward would do. Instead of, you know, going back to Carlisle and ask him for forgiveness and help in this pickle. and while he was doing that the boy woke Did Edward play for three whole days? up and he was confused.
"What is going on here?" asked the boy, sitting up. "Who are you?" When he did not get an answer he got frustrated. "ANSWER ME!" he roared and slammed his fist into the sofa and caused it to fly up into the air, If Assef was still sitting on the sofa, it wouldn't actually do that. then he fell to the floor. Edward stood over him and he held out a hand and helped him up and then he said, "I am Edward Cullen, I am a vampire and now you are one too, because I created you and I am your creator, what is your name?"
Guess once.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 26, 2012 4:41:55 GMT -8
Creating the Risque, Chapter 2
Author's Note:- I don't own them! I'll put everyone back in there rightful place. Thank you for reading. Plase review!
I did review. After this chapter I left a comment simply saying "Hi, Ariana!"
The boy surveyed Edward, his blood red eyes narrowed into slits. Edward could still not believe that he had created this, this monster, what was he? Edward or Assef? OK, I'll answer for both of them. Assef is a psycopath, and Edward... is a psycopath. "the music you played was beautiful" the boy quipped, sitting down on the sofa again. "You play professionally, yes?" He said. Edward smiled, "I haven't played since I left home, the father always says that I have a gift. The only reason that I bought this home is because it has a piano. Didn't he just rent a flat? What is your name?" Edward questioned. "My name is..." the boy said and then he gasped for air and put a hand on his throat, his eyes rolling back into his head so that you could see his whites. Edward raised over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, as he picked up the table and slammed it down there were a lot of cups and plates shattered on the floor. Got some table-hating issues, Ed? "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." Edward said. "Why did you do this to me?" The boy asked, he could barely speak because of the burning pain in his throat. "I don't honestly know." Edward admitted and that was the honest truth, he did not know what had come over him when he attacked the boy.
Yes, he does. He wanted to save Hassan from being buttraped. As to why he didn't simply kill him, that's another question.
"My throat hurts," said the boy his hand was on his throat. "Yes that's because you need blood." Edward said and then he picked up the chair and flung it across the room and it smashed into the mirror and there was glass all over the floor. Edward, do you have general furniture issues? "I shouldn't have done that to you." he said again. "Why are you living on your own?" said the boy in a hoarse voice. Vampires generally do. Covens are the exception rather than the rule in classic vamp-lit. "I was not created alone," Edward begun to explain. "I had a father once, his name was Carlisle Cullen, he was created by the cold one, the one known as Stregio Beefaroni. That name sounded like something you'd cook in a microwave. He changed me when I was dying of the Spanish Influenza in 1908." "That's like a hundred years ago" said the boy. "Yes," Edward agreed. "That is an exceptionally long time." He looked out into the night below, his eyes were now pulsating. His eyes were pulsating? How sexy. "Come on, my little fledgling, lets get to hunting." Then he reached down and lifted the boy up bridal-style and then he jumped out the window and glass was everywhere Edward doesn't understand how to use architecture either. and they were falling and then they landed on there feet. There were a lot of people in the street then Edward saw an old woman on her own and he said, "look, there's one" Oh, so you only kill murderers and criminals, do you, Ed? Not to mention that you are in a busy street. and the boy ran over to the woman and cracked her neck and then he drank all her blood until she was bone dry. I can see Assef doing that without blinking, but not Edward. "You eat humans too?" the boy asked. "yes i guess you can say that" said Edward, and he picked the woman up and then he carried her body to the lake and tossed her in. Respectful. How convenient that there was a lake there. "I don't want to be a monster!" he said crying. "We need to get back to father, and mother I'm sure they will take us back like a prodigal" said Edward.
Take Ed back, yes. I'm not sure they want Assef.
"You can stick your mother and father you made me a monster" the boy said and then he ran into the dark night.Jerkass has a point. Edward tried to run after him and then he was too fast he was gone into the night. Meanwhile the boy found a car that was just empty and there was a little boy in the car. How can there be a little boy in an empty car? He got into the car and shut the door quietly behind him, he pressed the lock and the car was locked. "Mommy?" said the boy, then he realised that the boy was not his mommy it was a boy. No, this was the Loch Ness monster. Of course the boy was a boy. "No dear, I'm not your mother," the boy said and he turned to look at the little boy in the rearview mirror he was about six years old and he had blonde hair. "What is your name, my dear?" the leader [color=TealAssef[/color] asked. "my name is Tomas," said the boy. "well tomas its a pleasure to meet you, my name is Assef," said the boy, who was called Assef.I think I'll have to start a "Duh!" counter. Assef put the key into the ignition and started to drive away. "Shouldn't we wait for my family?" asked Tomas his little eyes were wide with fright and terror. For those who are very worried now: No, this is not going to be as horrific as you may think. Assef turned around and gave Tomas a big smile his black hair was in his face (author's note: this is based on the movie since i havent read the book ok) Methinks you have read the book, Rosie. "oh sweetheart, I'm your family now." he told him. Poor kid. He'll have to spend the rest of hs childhood with Assef! Assef turned back around and started driving as he was driving he hit a lot of people. Does Assef even have a driver's licence? Being Taliban and all. Tomas started to cry. "I wanna get out!" He said and started fumbling with the lock but it was child lock. Assef reached into the glove compartment of the car and pulled out a small teddy bear that was small. Duh!-count = 3 He held it in front of Tomas, "hey tomas look what I've got" he said, tomas smiled and took the toy. "where are you taking me, Assef?" asked Tomas, night was falling and there was starts everywhere. "shh, child, you go to sleep," he said. "I'm here to protect you." he explained. "oh okay" sais Tomas with all the innocence of a child. "yes we're going to be a real family, but you have to do what I say." Assef said. "okay" said tomas, he was too afraid to say anything else. Smart kid. "take a nap, dear, and we'll be home before you know it." Assef said, even though he had no idea where home was anymore.
"Assef?" said Tomas. "Yes child?" "Can you play some music for me?" Assef smiled it reminded him of how his baby brother used to ask for music before he died and that was why he was so attached to Tomas. "Of course dear, anything for you." and he put on the radio and bruce springsteen came on the radio and Tomas smiled.
Very good Anti-Twilight song.
"thank you" he said. "your welcome dear, try to sleep now." Assef said and he turned around to concentrate on the road once more. Tomas brething became slow and laboured, Assef knew that he could never hurt this little boy it reminded him too much of what he had already lost in the burgarly. Huh? He reached across and whipped a lock of Tomsa blond hair from his face. "good night, child." he said and then he smiled to himself in the rearview mirror. "sweet dreams."
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Post by Talys Alankil on Feb 26, 2012 5:43:55 GMT -8
This has to be Ariana. It has to. I can't believe there's another person who'd think of the same crossover. And to describe a window being shattered as "glass was everywhere". Oh, wait, no, that sounds more like Erin. As does Edward using the window for no good reason. … Wait… Could it be Erin and Ariana are in fact the same person ?
Also, am I the only one who thinks of Rocky Horror every time the phrase "creature of the night" is used ? Maybe I am, actually.
Oh, and it's spelled psychopath. With an 'h'. Well, two 'h', to be accurate. Not that it matters too much.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 26, 2012 7:41:15 GMT -8
Of course this is Ariana! ;D It will get even clearer in the next few chapters. And don't forget that Ariana used to love Erin's stuff, so quoting her is natural.summary:- please enjoy all day!Assef and tomas were now going at high speeds after the road. they found a motel and stopped for the night. Assef took Tomas out of his car seat. "There that wasn't so bad now was it?" he questioned. Tomas shook his head, afraid of what the dark haired teen would do should he refuse. He's a brave little kid. Keeps his head cool. He started to explore his lips with his throat. ...flat "What?" "Yeah?" Assef asked the child in his arms. "What do you want, baby?" "Is this gonna be our eternal home?" asked Tomas innocently. Assef shook his head. "well now, we don't want to be in a motel all time, now do we?" Kidnappers and their young abductees often have no other choice. he asked as he tickled the child. Tomas giggled. they were so close. Despite Tomas being terrified? I'm taking the liberty of editing Rosie's grammar a bit, because she posts dialogue as solid blocks. Something Ariana strangely enough usually doesn't."Good. Credit card's here." he informed to himself as he walked up to the man at the desk. "one room for two, and here's a child." said Assef. "oh my goodness." said the man. "Of course you can come in. are your parents around?" Assef fabricated a lie on the spot "i don't know... they all ran off." he made his throat crack ass Uh... he said this. "I don't believe it." said the man in pure discomfiture. "We'd better call an orphanage." he said. "Mommy left us?" Tomas asked. Not really. "yes and she is gone." said Assef holding the boy close. Oy, psycho! Lying to the kid and turning him against his own loving parents! "You and I are each other's one constant in this darkened world. That one person with whom we must always count. You and I are all that for each other. Don't you worry your sweet head about a thing because I'm going to protect you come whatever life throws" he said as the old, frail, gentle, golden haired man led them inside. That's how they talk to win you over to their side."here sit down on a chiar," said the man. "What is your names?" he asked vocally. Duh!-count= 4"M my name is Assef and this is my brother Tomas" said Assef. He put his hands on his head and pretended to cry but he was pretending. Duh!-count= 5"I have called social and they will be here" said the old man. "thank you so much old man." said Assef. "it's nice to know there are good people in this world." "of course dear, there are always those willing to help." said the old man. Boo on Assef, taking advantage of the old man's decency.Sure enough the social people came. "I hear there are some oprah children The kind Oprah Winfrey love putting on her show to make women cry in the back" said the man who was Johann. Remember Johann, the new guy?"yeah, they're right here" said the old man. the old man led the way to where assef and tomas were hanging on for dear life to each other. "oh you poor children!" he said as he picked Tomas up and they all went to the car. "It's okay now! Help is at hand!" he said. "Thank you- our parents just upped and left us. They used to hit us too." said Assef and he showed the scar where Edward bited him. Manipulative bastard? Yes."OH MY GOD!" swore the man who was zooming down the road at warped speed in a frantic rush of hurry. "who would do that to a child? who would ABUSE a child!" he roared. You have one of them in the back seat."it goes beyond comprehension" Assef admitted. "Only a true monster would hurt a child" "Don't I know it?" Assef said but we all no what he meant accept the social man. Oh Assef, you lying mongrel.They all lurched forward, Assef threw out a hand in front of Tomas in instinctive protection, "fuck what is that?" said johann. it was a group of children. "fucking hell!" said assef. then he remembered tomas and automically he apologized to the small child. "sorry baby." he said, reaching ou t to the child. "you know i would never do that without a choice of something else" he explained. Something slightly weird is going on with Assef here, because he seems to be genuinely caring towards Tomas.Tomas nodded; Assef said he was his brother and he believed him." Kids are gullible like that.They got to the orphanage. Johann came over and helped out of the car. "hokie dokie kiddos lets go" he said. he and the boys went into the house and they saw a few nuns. "I have brought some more children," said Johann to the master nun. You mean the Abess?"These are Assef and Tomas," he introduced them. He said "they were physically abused" Assef showed them his scar. "in the name of the father the son and the holy SPIRIT!" shouted the master nun. Yes, it's a Catholic orphanage. The presence of Nuns already told us that. No need to take the Lord's name in vain.Assef and Tomas both held to the one constant they had. "I'm so sorry you poor dears. Now you can look forward to finding a true family who will love you forever." he said. HE? Nuns are always women! If they are men, they are called Monks!
I guess this could be a nod at Lady of Sorrow, where Mother Teresa was a man... "I am sure that you both will find excellent care here. we are always going to be a phone call away." Johann explained. He took a handshake with the master nun Abess. "thank you very much for this" said Tomas. "I appreciate it. Our mommy is gone! GONE!" He roared. This is the kind of behaviour you would expect in an Ariana-fic, right?Assef hugged him. "I'm here now and now there are others who love you and want the best for us." He explained. "Now we can look forward to a brighter future, that's all we CAN do." he explained. He hugged the child as he carried him up to where he was going in bed that there rooms were. He sat down, holding the child. "Well, I'll be going." said Johann. "Johann, thank you once again," he said wringing his hand. "Thank you for saving us from the streets. If it weren't for you I don't know what I would have done. Tomas and I surely would have been dead. You are truly a bacon That was so not unintentional of hope in s darkened world." he said. "surely" said Johann. "look, could you send a thank you to old man" said Assef, "he saved us too. our hero, right, my brothe?" he asked tomas, who giggled and nodded. "no problem whatsoever assef, see you around, or hopefully not because you have found a new family to look after you both." Who will want Assef?"yeah dreams will keep us going" Assef said. "Bye for now johann" said the master nun Abess. They exchanged a few words and then Johann went away. aSSEF sat down on the bed, he held tomas tightly in his arms. "we have to hope child..." He said. "I'm your brother and i love you. I'm going to take care of you and protect you. Will you promise you'll always look out for me too. and do as i say?" he ordered. You can say what you want about her plot-building skills, but she has got the manipulative psychopath behaviour down good.of course assef i never had a brother before and I want to be the best broher i can be." said Tomas. He held Assef's shirt i wads of his hands. "To you and I, Assef and Tomas, and a family, a brighter future which we must ever strive to achieve." said Assef. A brighter future, but you can only hope... Hope that little Tomas' rightful parents have reported him missing.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Feb 26, 2012 8:35:16 GMT -8
Summary:- Edward will return so be patient! It had now been one full month since arrival at the orphanage. Assef and Tomas had gotten on well; they kept to themselves and didn't bother anyone. It was just as they liked it. The other children still bothered them though, sometimes they'd be teased by a massive hulking brute named Gary, a full-of himself boy who was full of himself. Duh!-count= 6The orphanage had classes every day and Tomas was being taught about different things he had never learned how to write. He was sitting down in class he got extra help from Evangelic, another nun of the orphanage. Well, Thomas is only six, so there are probably a lot of words he can't spell. Also, Evangelic strikes me as a very strange name for a Catholic Nun, but then again I'm not too familiar with Catholicism.They were doing algebra. Then, class was finished. They went home to their bedrooms. They sat down and Assef came into the room. "Hey!" he waved. Tomas beamed, always happy was he to see Assef after a school day. Assef sat down and picked up the little boy, holding him on his lap. "What's up, dear? Someone hurt you?" He asked. "No reason I j just really miss my mommy and daddy" Poor Tomas! "i miss them too" said Assef, holding his brother "quotidian marks" Uh... in his arms. "No reason," he said. "no reason at all." tomas said, crying. Oh the "amusing" nonsense dialogue.Assef held him. "well, guess what? another family is coming today? Maybe we can adopt them" said Assef. Assef held his brother. In Arianaverse YOU adopt family."what if they don't like you?" said tomas sadly. Best question so far!"no? well then, there won't be any family. I will never let you leave me." Psycho! Assef admitted. "shh, it's okay, family is going to come back, i promise to you" "really?" "yes, no problem. it's going to be fine. get some rest now" he ordered the small boy as he tucked him into bed. Tomas shut his eyes and his breath became soft and laboured. Assef leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. "Good night, child," he said. Tomas only muttered in his sleep. Being unable to slumber-himself, Assef went to the day room and picked up a book. Reading was one of his favourite hobbies, aside from well, you know. Yes we know, thank you. As he was reading, the master nun Abbess entered the room. "hello assef" she said. "oh hello" said assef. He smiled and put down his book. "We, that is to say, the other nuns and I, have noticed that you and Tomas are, shall we speak, incosistent with the other children? You are undeniable to them. To put it in plain and simple English, you don't have any friends beside yourselves and that worries us." That's how psychopaths operate. They isolate themselves and theor chosen ones from the rest of the world, to create their own orderly little realm where they have control.Assef deliberated in his seat. "I find no problem with this. Tomas and I have both been true so much, but it's harder on me than it is on him, hardest on one so young" he explained. Inconsistancy? Yes.the master nun placed a hand on Assef's shoulder. "well, we have good news for both of you!" she roared. "a family has taken interest in you and wishes to adopt you!" "oh wow, really? US?" Assef asked. Maybe not YOU..."yes, they are on the way right now to collect you." said the master nun. "oh excellent!" assef said, and he raced up the stairs at top speed to warn Tomas. "Tom-Tom get up, babe, there's a family here for us!" he said in utter elation. Tomas woke up, and then he and Assef packed their essentials. There very lives wrapped in one solid ball. "right assef tomas your new family is here!" called the master nun Abbess. As they approached the stairs, they could not believe it when they saw Edward culluen waiting for them. "Ed...ward?" Assef asked tentatively coming down to great his creator. DUN DUN UND"yes it is I!" said Edward. He walked towards Assef. "you were very naughty to run away from me." he said. "And to take this child that does not belong to you?" Villain has a point!"what does he mean, Assef?" tomas asked scared. "Nothing dear, we don't know him. Shh, come here." he said as he picked up the child. "you should never have left me. your coming home with me where you belong and that is an end to it!" edward roared. he grabbed Assef around the waist and started to haul him out the door. like Edward better in fics where he is the villain. That's the only times he's fun."Goodbye" said the master nun. "call if you need anything!" This Trope is called "Adults are Useless"Assef was fidgeting lightly. he knew he could not truly do anything! Suddenly he fell over but this didn't faze Edward, he just grabbed him by the collar of his blue jacket (he's wearing the same clothes he was in the rape scene of the movie) and dragged him along the ground. Tomas was screaming, he couldn't believe it. "Leave him alone!" he shouted in assef's defense. "leave my brother alone!" he roared. Stockhoml Syndrome Ahoy!"shut up" said edward growling his teeth beared. "we're going home child!" "then take me with you" tomas shouted and jumped on edward but he missed and landed on assef and they both broke free. But Tomas, this is your chance at escaping!"Quickly let's make a run for it" said Assef and they did. they started to run for the house. "oh no you don't" said Edward. He chased after them and managed to grab Assef again he picked him and started to carry him off to his car. "NOOOOOOOOOOO" I'm going to start a "NOOOO!-counter": 1 said Tomas and started to run back for the master nun . the master nun came running out waving his gun in the air. "in the name of the lord i command you to stop!" he roared. Assef rolled onto the floor and ran for it again, this time, however, Edward was ready and grabbed him again. "Don't come any closer" he roared to the master nun. Assef started to fight with all his strength but even he was no match for Edward Cullen. This looks bad.Suddenly, a lambrogini pulled up and the old man got out of it. He tossed something to the master nun. "johann warned us about this crescent moon" said the old man as she shot at ed-ward. Yessss! Go, Old Man! Go! "please leave here or else willl call police" said the old man and the master nun simultenisly. "okay" said Edward and left. Didn't he give up suspiciously easily?Assef ran to tomas and picked him up, he had a broken arm Poor little Tomas! and there was blood all over the floor. "i'm so sorry" he apologised. "it's okay" said Tomas, he got his arm fixed while he was watching the fight. "Shh, come on" "i want mammy" said the boy. "oh i know i want her too" he said. they went inside. Oh, Assef... You don't even swing in that direction!there was a woman on the telly. "hey who is hat?" said tomas. assef's eyes widened it was tomas mom. Yesss! He's been reported missing! It's on the news! "nobody" he said. "nobody worth knowing."
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 2, 2012 11:04:31 GMT -8
Ooops, I forgot that I was snarking this story. So, where were we? Edward had made Assef into a vampire, which Assef didn't take happily to for some reason. He ran away from Edward, stole a car containing a 6-year-old named Tomas, and the two of them hit the road. They are currently taking refuge in a strange orphanage where a male "Master Nun" is protecting them from Edward.Summary: - Please enjoy! I'd like more reviews to improve. It had now been one full month since that terrible kidnap, but the putrid stench of Edward Cullen still hung in the air of the orphanage. It was like a bad case of the runs, it came when you least expect it. Oh, Rosie... You sure have a way with words. Anyway, the master nun had decided to tighten security Not a moment too soon!, he felt so guilty that this had happened which was a terrible day if Assef had been kidnapped by Edward. Not really. Because if Ed had hauled Assef away, then the orphanage staff might have seen the news where Tomas' mother was pleading for tip-offs. Now they were being extra careful. Assef was sitting in his room, quietly reading a book. When Gary came in, watching from the window. How can he watch from the window when he's already inside? "Think I don't see you?" Assef asked, clenching his fists and he put the book down. He got up and thankful that Tomas was not around to see this, leaned down to Gary's face. Wait a second. Wasn't Gary very big? And Assef is on the short side if he looks like the actor who played him. His eyes was closed in anticipation of that which is about to go down. "What is wrong with you? Why don't you mind leaving me alone?" He snapped at the younger laughed. "And why should I do that?" He asked. "Oh, I don't know… maybe you should?" Assef asked skeptically. He could feel that rush on power Don't you mean "rush hour of power? within him that urges to letGaryknow how wrong he had done. Before he could even control himself, he hadGarypinned to the ground Gary is a big hulking brute, if I remember correctly. And Assef is so small he can only pick fights with 11-year-olds. And that's only when he's got backup! and was tearing off his pants and his own pants were down and he dripped his underwear and smiled. Gary just cried in anticipation of the pain that is about to happen, when they heard a voice, small and frail like a baby bird, say, "NO!" at the top of its lungs. Probably not very loud then. Assef's finally showing his true colours, though. He's been much too decent in most of this fic. Well, apart from the grand-theft-Tomas business, anyway.They turned around and when they did they saw Tomas watching them his little eyes filled with tears. Way to be a good example there, Assef. He could not believe it. He run away to fetch the master nun. Good on him! "FUCK!" Assef to his feet and scrambled out the door with his pants around his ankles. That's impossible. Assef made to go after him but tripped and fell face down onto the floor. Yeah, that happens when you try to run with your pants down, twerp. He just lay there feeling sorry for himself for an hour Pathetic. until he realized where tomas was gone to get the master nun. And dimwitted. So he got to his feet and pulled his pants up and when he was decent he ran out the door. He raced to the master nun's office, but it was too late. Well, duh. It's only been an hour or so. I'm sure Tomas, and probably Gary, have had plenty of time to tell their version of things. Actually, the fact the little Tomas understood what Assef was doing is just a little concerning. He's only six, after all. Could the police hurry up and find him before hanging with a psycho corrupts his young, impressionable soul for life?Little Tomas had already slipped inside. Assef pounded once, twice, three times on the door in desperation. The master nun came running out, pointing his gun in the black haired boys' face. More people should take this approach to Assef."Care to explain yourself young man?" He asked as he put a hand onGary's to cry from the sexual trauma he almost experienced. "I…" Assef said, he could say nothing to make it better. Moment of realization there, Assef. Little tomas must be terrified of him YOU THINK SO?, he reached out but the child pulled away in the arms of the master nun. "It's not what it looks like!" Assef said. That's about the stupidest thing you can say. "He's got a disabled brother and I was consoling him over that which we cannot help." He said. And our protagonist(!) is and remains a bastard."Oh, okay." Said the master nun. Adults ARE useless, after all. She shielded his gun. Who did? Isn't the Master Nun a man? Which would make him the Abbott, but we've already been over that. I keep forgetting that this IS Ariana's work, after all. "You may return to your rooms respectfully." He said. But all was not well as tomes refused to speak to assef. Now, why could that be? He's only kidnapped and brainwashed him, and assaulted a housemate."I know you are lying and that which you were going to do have come forth tonight. I know who you are." He said. Didn't Tomas get awfully eloquent awfully quickly here? Earlier he's been talking more like he's 3-4 years old than 6. It must be the good education he's been given lately. "your well earned reputation for slavery precedes you, my brother. I just know this is stolen from somewhere! Are you my brother?" He asked. Um, not really."in everything but blood" Assef answered. "I did those things to protect you, whom I did not know Duh, again. You've lived with the kid for at least a couple of months now., but you are more than that, you're what was lost in the fire of 1845 when I was born Oh yes, Assef's brother who died in a fire. That was mentioned earlier, so this is a rare display of continuity. But 1845? Assef's been a vampire for a few weeks. And if they have TVs, it can't be the 19th century., I would take care of you before then." He explained. Um, no. Because you hadn't kidnapped him yet. In fact, Tomas wasn't even born. Neither were you. "You can be a friend, or an enemy. I care less which one you choose, but it would hurt to lose you, so choose wisely." He explained. This whole dialogue smells stolen. Anyone know where she took it from? Shakespeare?"Friends forever?" tomas asked. Gullible kids! "Friends forever" assef replied, holding his brother tightly in his arms. He kissed the blond haired head. "friends forever" he repeated knowing that come whatever happened, they would have each other. Poor little Tomas. What a life.Suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was Johann. "came to say you two are moving in with me and the old man" he said. Raise your hands if you think the old man and Johann are going to be capable parents..."oh God wow really thank you!" Assef said in utter excitement of that that is taking him home forever now. I can understand that he's eager to get out of the orphanage after the stunt he just pulled, but he doesn't really know Johann very well. I guess any family will do when you're a kidnapper on the run. "yes now let's get your bags and go" he said. They all got in the car and went back to the motel where the old man was. He ran out to them faster than the speed of light, hugging them both. He picked Assef up off the ground and swung him around in a circle, laughing that this moment had come to pass finally. How "old" is he, I wonder? 47? That's probably old for Assef."Welcome home! Welcome home, my sons!" he roared. He had a few drinking problems, but it was okay; social checked him over so he could take kids. A few drinking problems? So alcoholism is just one of them? This is going to be quality parenting!"Thank you old man, it feel so good to be back here even though we came only for the moment." Assef replied. "I understand, my child. Oh god it feels good to have you both home now we can work on getting on with our lives" said Johann homosexually. Huh? Did he like... say it in a fake high-pitched voice while giving a little flick of his hand? Boo, generalizing.He was about to say something else when they saw a red car driving towards them. It was the master nun. "Just wanted to say bye and good luck" he said. Then he realized something. "RAPIST!" He shouted, pointing at Assef and all hell broke loose. It only took him all day to figure it out? The collective IQ of the characters in this story is probably still single digit.The master nun pulled out a rifle and shot at Assef. WITH SILVER BULLETS, I HOPE! Tomas dove in front of him and got shot in the chest which is where the vital pumping heart was. TOMAS!!! Please don't be killed! You are just an innocent little child!"NOOOOOOOOO" I agree, but I need to keep the count here. What is the "NOOO-count" on now? 2? Yeah, I think that's it. Assef shouted as he watched the boy's life drain out of him. He knew what he had to do, so he bit tomas and on the neck, turning him to a vampire as well. It takes three days, you know. Isn't done instantly, except in the Sims. Assef dodged the bullets, as the old man was being slain by the master nun to get revenge upon George who was a rapist. Who's George? And why would the MN take revenge on the old man. Unless of course the old man is George. As far as we know, the only rapist there is Assef."LEAVE HIM ALONE!" he shouted and rugby tackled the master nun to the ground, in a frenzy, the master nun had Assef pinned, he lifted him over his head and threw him with such force that he crashed into Johann and they both flew into the wall. Yessss! Oh. Poor Johann, I guess..."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" 3! said the old man, who watched his lover Johann and the Old Man? Seriously? and now his son get thrown around like a sack of potatoes. How about the one who was just SHOT, and is vampifying? He jumped to the deface in the master nun, knocking them both down For an old man, he's pretty strong., he struggled to get the gun and shot the master nun in the face. The master nun got back in his car and ran away. And so is the Master Nun, if they survive being shot in the face!Rosie have some questions for us:hope you liked it?For being written by Ariana it was pretty good. And that's objectively speaking. Of course we all love a troll fic. A little too much.what do you think of the master nun?I'm very confused as to how a man became a Nun. is Assef in character?He was in the first part of this chapter, I guess. But he hasn't talked about killing all Hazaras yet, so I guess not entirely in character.is Tomas in character?Well, he's your OC! You should know!Does the old man have something to hide?Definitely.Will Edward seek his revenge alone or will he get the help of the master nun?Alone, since he's in lone-wolf mode in this fic.Tell me in a review.This was the review.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Apr 3, 2012 5:37:51 GMT -8
So… I have somehow missed your last three snarks, sorry ^_^'
I say the… ahem… Master Nun… is a transvestite. And he's a badass at that.
And, while I can somehow get that the Master Nun takes Assef's excuse for rape as "trying to console him"… shouldn't she be, how to put it… kinda freaked out by the whole "gay sex" aspect of the thing ? I mean, surely a nun wouldn't be okay with it.
…But oh well, Johann/Old Man forever. Their love shall be remembered. Assuming the Old Man's name really is George, we can call them Geohann. Isn't that convenient ?
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 3, 2012 6:53:16 GMT -8
I guess the whole "George" thing was a relapse to Arianism, but I say we name him that. He's never given any other name than "the old man" anyway. And Geohan seems to be a pretty stable and loving couple in most chapters, at least. Oh, and I don't think any sort of sex is permitted in a Catholic orphanage. I don't think sex is permitted in orphanages, periode. Not for the kids, at least.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Apr 3, 2012 7:10:43 GMT -8
^Huh. You've got a point here. Silly me, considering sex is normal and all that.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 3, 2012 8:04:48 GMT -8
Weeeeeeeeell, children in orphanages tend to be children...
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Post by Talys Alankil on Apr 3, 2012 9:37:47 GMT -8
I know, I know. But Assef isn't really a child, is he ? I mean, there are teenagers in orphanages too. It just didn't occur to me that sex would be prohibited regardless.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 3, 2012 14:32:47 GMT -8
Our protagonists are about to start a new life with their adoptive dads, Johann and George a.k.a. the old man. Before we start, Rosie wants to say a few words:summary:- please enjoy! I hope you enjoy! Do you want to enjoy?I hope so, Rosie. Start the narration!The breakfast table had been set ever since the morning after the night before Oh, since then! which was when Tomas woke up from becoming a vampire to find Assef on his knees by his bed, Tomas just buried his face in his hands and began to cry. Oh, you have reason to cry now Tomas. You're an immortal child now. Unable to control your blood lust. Now you have to spend your eternity escaping the Volturi. Poor, innocent child, what a life."Shh, please don't" Assef said, feeling terrible, holding the little boy's hands. He cradled the child in his arms, rocking him back and forth which is the child he truly did love. Assef, you're OOC again."Please don't cry, my child. Please. I didn't mean to." Uh, you knew pretty well what you were doing. The alternative was to let Tomas die. He pulled the child into his arms, with the false tears down their faces of whom they both understand. How can the tears be false if he truly loves Tomas? How can he truly love Tomas if he's crying false tears? Oh the philosophies.As silently as he could, Tomas croaked out, "Why, god why!" he roared. Yeah, I'm sure that was a very silent roar.Assef felt terrible, this was the one thing he had never wanted, to hurt the child he viewed as a brother. Well, he knew the consequences beforehand. And for once, it's not entirely Assef's fault, since he wasn't the one who shot Tomas. Assef felt like crying too and he pulls tomas into his arms, rocking him up and down. "Shh, dear. Shh. It's okay. I love you and now you and I are really brothers. Really and truly we are family." He said, as he held the boy in his arms. "Shh, there won't be any problems now our life is going to be better for the life." He explained. "Shh, why don't we go downstairs," he suggested, and they did. This kind of reminds me of the ending of Twila, when they are thrilled to find out that they are ghost vampires. Because now they can live gothically ever after. Just being a vampire obviously wasn't undead enough.The old man and Johann were both eating dinner together and then Assef and Hassan came down with their arms on each other's shoulders, Where did Hassan come from? Assef doesn't even like Hassan. And vice versa. Assef says, "morning," and then johann said, "hi, how are you?" and tomas looked at Assef and said, "no problem, i'm fine, now i'm fine" in a sad voice. Assef squeezed his baby brother's hand tightly to reassure him that the world is coming to be a good place for two children such as themselves to be together as a family. Then there was a knock on the door, and the old man got up to it tentatively, which is he was scared that the master nun or Edward Culleun would be back to seek their vengeance upon Assef and Tomas and Johann and the old man. when he opened the door he saw two boys who were teenage boys, they were both wearing jackets and trousers. So whoever they are, they are not cross dressing at the moment."Can we speak to Assef?" the boy asked. "please" the other one said. "who is it, old man?" said Assef coming to the door when he saw who it was his eyes got really wide. "Oh god! Wali! Kamal!" He screamed, jumped up and down and ran to them. they couldn't believe the beautiful miracle that had come to pass in the front of their very eyes. Assef ran over to Wali and Kamal they all barrelled into each other and started to embrace each other with such tears of joy in Wali and Kamal's eyes. As I say to everyone I'm tormenting: Rosie, it wouldn't exactly hurt to tell the readers who Wali and Kamal are. And the reason I say that to everyone is that 1: In crossovers not all readers are familiar with both canons, and 2: Because everyone on FF net just loves to throw in new characters and even OCs without the slightest hint of introduction."wali, what are you both doing here?" he asked then he noticed Kamal's silvery eyes. Look, Talys. Further proof that she has read Brooding Lust. "what's up?" he asked. "tell me!" he screamed in utter delation, such a worry overcoming him. "When we were in the truck, Which truck exactly? Bella's truck? kamal was killed by the fumes and his dad killed himself, he decided to be bitten by a werewolf by Jaciob Black. Jacob's been on the run for the week." Hold on... Who was it who became a werewolf? Kamal, who died from fumes and was dead? Or was that his Dad's suicide?"i'm a vampire" said Assef, "i have been for a month" he spoke in his own languge as he couldn't be overheard to the night sky whom was watching them. If the sky speaks English, I'm pretty sure it speaks Afghan as well. (Yeah, yeah, I know Afghanistan has several languages. On with the story!)kamal cried loudly and fell to his knees clinging to Assef's legs begging for forgiveness from what he had done. "Boooahahaaa! You were my bestest friend. But now I'm a werewolf and we must be mortal enemies, but I don't wanna! Forgive me, Assef. Baaaawwww!!!""Shh, it's okay, not your problem. We will work through it together." Assef said and tomas came over and he picked him up. "Shh, I love you my sweet child, my little brother." he said passionfully in his voice What else would he say it with Rosie? Uh? What is the Duh!-count on now? Well, +1, anyway. which was choked since he heard the night sky watching him. Alright, so Assef isn't quite mentally right. We already knew that. But if he thinks the universe is speaking to him, he may be developing a completely different sort of mental wrongness. Maybe time to see a shrink?"Why don't you guys come on in? Or we can go for a walk?" He asked. "tell me your life" said tomas, holding out a hand to whom Kamal said, "okay, come here child." "don't hurt him!" Assef roared. Isn't Kamal more of a follower, who doesn't harm anyone unless Assef tells him to?"don't worry you are part of my puck, and since we are now brothers in blood and now you have adopted tomas and have given him your powerful bloodline Adoption doesn't give you the family's bloodline, I'm afraid. At least not in the way of passing on genetic superpowers. which is what you became a vampire from, now we will never harm him, because we are together forever" Kamal explained. he gently kissed the child's head. "caa, tomas jan?" he said (that's a word from the movie) "you want to have a new family? to leave this home forever and go to the new dawn. think on it, tomas. i'm your uncle kamal. think on it long and hard "like my dick," he said and laughed, but stopped because it wasn't funny. Oh help me, FTS has invaded my cortex." he said. "okay i wish to go with you all" he said. But you were so happy to be with Johann and George. You can't just leave your Dads behind!"well goodbye and safe journey" said the old man, he picked Assef up and squeezed him tightly. "i want to see you all soon, kk?" said Johann, handing to Assef and Tomas whom were his sons. "assef, come on," said the young men who were waiting in the car they had stolen. FacePalm! (author's note:- Assef tought them well hehe) He sure did. and they get into the car and starts to drive away. the silence of the night hung ruminating in the air as they were not speaking from bugs on the wall. The car is bugged? The sky is watching them? IT IS VERY STRANGE THE NO ONE HAD FOUND TOMAS YET! ...ahem. My voice hurts when I scream.then, the phone rang, Who's phone? and it was... Edward! "hello" he said, and then he hinged up. Telephone terror, now? Oh, the depths Edward will sink to.the end sorry it is short but next time i will make it ponger! hehehe Oh, no need for that, darling. We really don't want to know what a "ponger" chapter is.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 3, 2012 15:25:50 GMT -8
And the fun isn't over yet.summary:- hold onto your hats, it's going to get worse. Yes it does. Around this point in the story Rosie gives up any attempt at keeping it half coherent, and dives back into Ariana-mode. But I think this chapter is still quite readable.Tomas, Assef, Wali and Kamal stopped in a local hotel for a night and sat down. Kamal paid for the trip because his father owned the theatre in Kabul. Which probably means that the family's rich. Actually, he owns the cinema, not the theatre. they all sat down on there beds, and tomas took out a stuffed animal and started to play with it. It took a while but Assef finally remembered that, vampire he though was, tomas was still a child. A six year old child. That's true, Assef. He really shouldn't be out on the road with you crazies, with an even crazier Edward in hot pursuit. If you can't return him to his real family, at least let him go back to Geohann. He started giggling uncontrollably. Assef held him in his arms. The child giggled, uncontrollably writhing as his brother tickled him with the stuffed animal while they both fell onto the made-up and giggled together. They fell onto the person wearing the make-up I guess. OK, Rosie... Who have you bent this time?Kamal watched with passion, feeling some deep love that the boys he loved were now together again. Pfff, they haven't been apart while he's known Tomas. He rested his head against Wali's legs which was sitting down. Only his legs? They are detachable? Assef picked tomas up and threw him in the air, quite boldly, Tomas let out a shrill womanly roar. Screamed like a little 6-year-old, I guess she means. Assef laughed heartedly and threw his arms around the child. "Havin' fun?" Wali asked, the ghost of a grin on his face. His face is haunted!"of course we are. i love you" Tomas replied. "love you too, my brother, my child" Assef said, eyes shining with love for the boy who was snuggled into his arms. Assef is no fun when he's all family-oriented.Assef, Wali and Kamal ordered some food and started to eat it. Assef couldn't eat it as he was a vampire. "wanna go for a walk" Assef said. "i wanna go park! i wanna go parrrrkkkk!" Tomas giggled. This is the same kid who talked like a character out of Shakespeare in another chapter. he was always in such high spirits. it made assef happy to see it. "well, okay, if that's what you want" he said and they left. they all went to the local park and Tomas went onto the swings. "NOOOOOOOOOOO 4! Assef, I can push myself! watch me! watch me!" he giggled as he went really high into the air. A local mother looked on in concern and leaned over to tell to Assef, "now we shouldn't get upset but it won't do to let the babe swing so high" she said, looking at him. Assef just flashed a smile; "oh, it's okay, don't worry, he knows what he's doing. I wouldn't worry too much about it" he said, waving to tomas crooning. "well, you know the child better than i. I just must ask you to be careful" she smiled and touched Assef's arms. "be careful," he said. "no problems," Assef grinned. "have a fine day now, yes?" he said as they all walked away. Does this count as a Big Lipped Alligator Moment? I want an icecream!" Tomas roared. Bloodcicle?"Okay, dear. Go on ahead." tomas skipped happily off, waving his hands in utter elation at the ice-cream that he would be eating. Assef smiled and waved at the child he loved. while they were watching it happen, someone came out of nowhere. Now who could this be, who has come to ruin the day for this happy, functional family? ut of nowhere, Edward Cullen came along, Not him again! he grabbed Assef and clutched his waist so tightly that Assef cried out from pain. "OW!" Assef said, moaning in pain as Edward struck him across the face with such force that he fell face down onto the floor. Fight back, Assef. You're a vampire too. A small statured one, but a vamp none the less. Don't let your mates have to save your neck all the time. He crumpled onto his side and looked on with fear in his eyes as Edward advanced on him. "You moronic vampire boy!" Edward screamed, spit flying from his nose and mouth. I love how sexily Edward is described in this story. Slap. Assef's head reeled from the force of the blow. He clenched his fists in anger, then he cracked the boy in the face again. Assef fell to the ground; upon trying to get up again, he was cut off by a short kick to the ribs. What exactly is Edward so pissy about, anyway? OK, so Assef ran away from him. But he had no claim on Assef in the first place. He never asked Ed to sire him as a vampire."Shut up! SHUT THE HELL UP!" Assef cried out as Edward picked him up with such force that he lost an arm. Owww!"PUT THAT BACK ON!" screamed Edward and watched as Assef did this. Very compassionate of you Edward. He put a hand on his thorat. "Now, come with me or I kill you and the child!" suddenly Edward's eyes widened. "WOLF!" he roared, pointing at Kamal. He went to the top of the slide; the front of the slide where Tomas was. He grabbed him and threw him off. Tomas landed in a pie on the floor. Thank goodness that pie was there to break his fall. Was it marshmallow?"Tomas! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" 5! Assef screamed, leaning over the edge. Kamal growled and turned into the wolf. Wasn't he in wolf shape already? He jumped onto Edward and started to bite him. Assef began screaming, he couldn't believe his friends were in trouble. I'd say Edward is in more trouble. It's 1 vampire versus 1.5 vampire and 2 werewolves. I'm surprised he even had a chance to beat up Assef. The child, Tomas, woke up, and was holding his face with his hands tightly. "LOOK OUT!" he screamed as Edward boldly threw Assef from the roof and he fell. The roof of where? They were on a slide at a playground.Suddenly, the old man came swinging by on a rope (he cut it off a swing) and caught Assef and they both started to swing around. And George to the rescue once again. Seriously, Assef. You can't rely on your old man to save your butt every time Edward shows up. You're a big boy now. Assef smiled gratefully as the old man looped the rope around his chest and they both fell to the ground in safely. Kamal and Edward were throwing each other around, kamal was lying on the floor. They began to tear each other's faces out. Owwww! Assef covered his face; he couldn't believe to see it. Suddenly, Kamal jumped up and lunged at Edward. Edward roared in fury and flung kamal into the roundabout and kamal started to spin around so much he was getting dizzy. Edward came running at top speed towards him; he jumped up and flew into the air. Assef screamed; unable to watch. Tomas clenched his fists in anticipation of the battle which is about to go down. The old man took a little shriek as he whipped out a gun. Assef started to scream. Assef was already screaming, like the little wuzz he is. The old man was shooting at Edward as Kamal was lying there bleeding sufficiently. I'm sure Kamal is bleeding more than enough. Would anybody care to help him, perhaps?"NO!" Wali screamed, running to his friend and kneeling down beside him. "Kammy, speak to me!" he shouted. "Kammy!" he screamed. Assef screamed. Is he doing anything else? At least in the "true" Ariana-fics he was somewhat tough. Edward jumped up and grabbed his neck from behind. "NOOOOO!" 6! the old man roared, kicking Edward off. "NOOOOOOO!" 7! Edward screamed, looking defeated. He said, "This war's not over. This war's NOT over!" as he disappeared into a poof of smoke. He hath teleportation too, now?Wali picked Kamal up, and they hurried him to the car, they lay down, tears running down there faces. Suddenly, Kamal woke up. tears ran down his face. tomas cried too and Assef cried. they all cried What mighty warriors. It was one little prep against 3 boys raised in the streets of Kabul! and the old man said, "don't worry about anything! You boys are going to come back with ME!" He roared, and they did. Well, since they have just proven that they can't manage without Daddy yet, perhaps that is for the best!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Apr 5, 2012 5:45:51 GMT -8
Of course George is a badass. What did you expect, he's like this story's equivalent of Hugo.
And yeah, the more this story goes on and the more it resembles Ariana's style. Also, did you notice the extensive (mis)use of "whom" ?
I wonder if I should be afraid that she's potentially referencing Brooding Lust, or glad that someone thought it was worth referencing. Although it might still be accidental. When was this written exactly ?
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 5, 2012 7:14:58 GMT -8
It was written about the same time I started snarking it, so it's brand sparkling new.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 10, 2012 16:52:03 GMT -8
Time for another chapter of Rosie's sanity breakage. I just read the two newest chapters, and something terrible happens in one of them. But the quality of the writing has gone up again. So although we're about to dive head first into Ariana-Land for a few chapters, there is still hope for this story. Summary:- you may need tissues. The cool night air ruminated through the air, but then a terrible scream broke the night's silence. "AHHHHHHHHHH!" Someone screamed. Please don't be Edward!Johann burst into the room, flinging open the curtains. Assef sat up groggily, even though he couldn't sleep, he still pretended to. "What is it, Jo?" He asked, looked at the man confusedly. "Get up! GET UP!" He screamed, pulling back the covers. "NO! Not until you tell us what is going on!" Kamal snapped, feeling the wolf in him rise to the surface. He clenched his fists. Judging from the things that have happened in the last couple of days, you ought to take emergencies a little more seriously."No time to explain! The old man has broken his hip!" There, you explained it. screamed Johann, as he caught Kamal and Wali around the waist and picked them boldly up. "Assef, Tomas! Come on!" he screamed. Overreacting, much? I mean, sure a broken hip is painful, but it's hardly life-threatening."What's up?" Tomas asked sleeply, coming out bare foot and standing in the hall. He held his hands out to Assef. "Assef, cawwy! Cawwy!" he babbled. Tomas is 6 years old. Most kids that age walk on their own. And we know from earlier chapters that he can pronounce the R-sound. But then again, he must be super-traumatized. Maybe he's regressed. I can buy that.Assef willingly obliged. He gathered the child up into his arms and held each other, as he ran down the stairs where Johann was following with the old man in his arms wrapped in cloths. Wali and Kamal thundered down the stairs as well. They all ran to the car. Johann flung open the door and he gently lay the old man in the back. "What's wrong with him?" Assef asked as he picked up Tomas and carried him over to the car seat. Didn't you pay attention, Assef?"Come on, Assef! Come on!" He shouted, as Assef buckled tomas into his car seat and pulled him tighter. Tomas was crying loudly as the old man's moans frightened him. I don't really see why Tomas couldn't have stayed at home while Wali or Kamal babysat. But that is what sane people would do, not the characters in this story!"Shh, don't cry. Please," he begged. Assef leaned over and took Tomas's little hand and squeezed it tightly, giving him a kiss on the forehead. "Try and close your eyes and relax. I know it's very early in the morning, it's the morning which is seven thirty. Shh." Assef said. That's not very early.Wali and Kamal were not allowed go as their was no room in the car but they were going to visit later. "ASSEF!" screamed Jehan Claude Frollo's brother? Where did he come from? as he half dragged the black haired teen pyscho into the car. I'm sure Johann's panicky behaviour is not adding more stress to the situation for George...Assef sat down with the old man's head resting on his knees while Johann sped towards the local hospital. He was crying with the pain and frightened to Tomas. "please don't be s scared, little one. I am not harmed." "Don't talk nonsense, boy! your arm is in shatters!" screamed Johann through his tears. No, it was his hip. And as you will soon see, it's not a good idea to let Johann drive in the mental state he's in. He clenched the stearing wheel so much that it was too much white upon his knuckles which were shaking with fear for the old man; his lover. Assef stroked Tomas's little palm with his thumb and whispered soothing words into his ear to stop him from crying. "Do you know why he broke his hip?" He asked, skeptical of the look in Assef's eyes. "Do you?" he asked. Was that Tomas or Johann asking?"He seemed in great pain when he took you and your friends and brother home today" said Johann. "Did he, I didn't notice" said Assef. Uhm, well... You're not exactly known for your empathy, you know.Johann turned around to face him. He raised his hand and cracked him across the face. Assef's head reeled with the force of the blow. "Yeah, well maybe it was when he was swinging on the rope and he came swinging down like the hero he is to save you." He spat viciously. Sure. Fight in front of a frightened little boy and a man in excruciating pain in a speeding car!Assef looked on shocked. "I didn't know." said Assef. Johann raised both his fists and slammed them into Assef's face, knocking him into the wall. For goodness sake, Johann! YOU ARE DRIVING!"Please don't hurt him!" screamed Tomas. "It's not his fault!" he shouted. "Your right, Tomas. I'm so sorry, Assef," Johann apologised. he held Assef's hand and kissed his trobbing cheek. Please look a little at the road, will you? "We just sometime forget that there was an old man who was ninety seven years old and sometimes we forget that," johann explained. It's pretty easy to forget that he is that old, when he keeps saving the day in all manner of badass ways.The old man moaned from the back seat of the car. He was crying uncontrollably in the car so was Tomas. Tomas began to get violently sick in the car which is from the fear of the old man's crackled hipo. And I'm sure the smell of the vomit is making the situation even better."Shh," Assef said, holding him in his arms. "Don't cry." he said. Then, all of the sudden, the door opened from the car and the old man slid out onto the road. FACE!DESK"NOOOOOOOO!" 8 Johann screamed and he dove out to run down after him. Great. Please get yourself hurt as well.Assef screamed as Johann was crying too. Tomas was screaming as the car sped towards the steep ravine. They were nearly at the edge. You'd think the car would have stopped when Johann jumped out. The speed pedal must be lodged."Assef! DOOOOOOOOOO SOMETHING!" Tomas screamed then Assef pulled of his seat belt, which gave a loud shriek, then Assef crawled onto the front seat of the car and he pulled up the car's steering wheel and swerved just in time, he put his foot on the clutch just in time and the car roared to the halt. Pfffeww! Maybe it's best if Assef drives the rest of the way?"Praise be to a god!" shouted Tomas, holding his little pudgy fists in the air. Assef swerved the car and turned around to wear the old man and Johann was lying on the road. "Get in" said Assef Shouldn't you like... check if they had suffered any new injuries? and they all got in grateful from their son has become a heron Aha! So that's his animagus form! and saved them all. They manged to get to the hospital in record time. The doctors took the old man to the theater and helped him to fix up his broken hip, which is when he came thundering out to them on a wheelchair and said, "now I am all better so can we please go home" and he took a rope out of his pocket and swung up into the car Always the badass! which is when Johann said, "Assef, my sweet boy, thank you for coming to the resque today," and Assef smiles and patted his friend/father/social lover What. on the back. Tomas just said nothing and Assef cradled him into his arms and rocked him back and forth. The poor kid will probably never come out of his own little head-world again."Well it was no problem, speaking of, why don't we go home, i know that Wali and Kamal will be very frightened to worry for us" he said and they all went back home to where Assef and Johann never spoke of the physical violence between them, again until Assef said, "do that again and I'll rape you" and then, leaving the shocked social worker behind, he went to bed. good thing the old man didn't die, right?Yes, that was a very good thing. The thing you did in chapter 12, on the other hand, was BAD!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 10, 2012 17:43:35 GMT -8
In this chapter Johann displays some rather unsettling behaviour. I'm starting to wonder if Assef is the only psycho around here.Summary:- This is just a little filler of bonding It was now two weeks, but the old man's hip had cleared up nicely, which was lucky, because which they did not wish to have to get a hip donor, since there was such a long waiting list. I'm not sure about Ireland, but in most other industrial countries you can get artificial hip replacements.Now, it was lunch time, and everyone was happily sitting on the giant hill. You mean a mountain? They were having a picnic, which is to say, only Johann, Wali and Kamal was eating, due to the old man's hip, he was unable to eat solid foods for a while. The hip is not part of the digestive system, you know.Johann watched the old man struggling to get by in his wheelchair, but then he said, "I have a very special song that I wish to sing for my beautiful old man, and after that, we will resume our picnic." Then, as if on cue, Assef, Wali and Kamal got up from their seats and they start to join in with the gloriful song that Johann was singing to confess his love for the old man. They started to sing "forget you" by Ceelo Green, Oh yeah. Get used to the song-dropping. They are going to do that a lot from here on... No Good Charlotte, MCR or Evanescence, though. which was to show the pure love Johann for the old man, that he would never forget. Assef and his friends were singing the filler parts, and Johann was singing the rest of the song. The old man just looked at them with tears in his eyes; he knew he could never be forgotten even though he was in love with Johann, since Johann was forty and he was ninety seven. So he's the same age as Johann's grampa. Maybe they fought in WWII together. I mean, George must have lived a pretty heroic life.Tomas was clapping and Assef took him up in his arms, and they started to dance around. "Ooh, shit he's a gold digger, just thought you should know, *****" they sang. (Some dirty language) "I tried to tell your mama, but she told me I should go tell my dad!" screamed Johann. "WHYYYYY OLDDDDD MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" He sang. "I love you!" (yeah, yeah) "I still loveee youuuuuuuu!" Johann screamed. This is how this family expresses love for each other, I guess."Oh, shit, yeah, yeah" Assef and the others sang. "I see you drivin' round town!" Johann finished, throwing his glass in the air and it fell on the floor and smashed and then he knelt down at the old man's feet. "I love you, do you see that now?" They shared a passionate kiss. Yeah, that was very... romantic."I love you too, and know I have a song for you too," he roared. Then he got up and started to sing, "Beautiful" by Christina Agiulera, which is to show that he was beautiful inside and out. then, when the song was done, he got back in his wheelchair and sat back down. Assef laughed and swung Tomas around in the air, which is why he kicked the old man in the face and knocked him down. Oy, Assef. Watch where you are swinging the kid."HEY WATCH IT! YOU JUST KICKED THE OLD MAN!" screamed Johann and punched the child's face so hard he fell into the picnic basket, He punched Tomas?!?!?!?! Asshole! he started to cry and Assef picked him up. "Hey, it's not his fault!" he snapped at Johann, comforting the toddler. Toddler is age 1-3. But I actually picture Tomas to be around 3 based on how he acts, so that's my headcanon. "Shhh, it's okay. You didn't know, it's not your fault" Tomas made a huge bruise upon his eye, which made Assef pissed. Johann was tending to the old man. "WHAT'S IF HE HAS BROKEN HIS HIP AGAIN?" he snapped, pushing Assef down and taking Tomas in his arms. "YOUR going with ME to learn a lesson you NEVER FORGET!" he snapped. (he'd got mental) You're not saying..."ASSEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" screamed the six three year old child. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" 9 he screamed. "remember what I said, Johann," said Assef, holding his hands out for Tomas. there was no denying the seriousness of his intentions. "Please, Johann, you've just ruined a lovely day. You've ruined my birthday!" screamed the old man. "it's your birthday?" Johann was incredulous. Bad Johann."ye, it is." the old man retorted. "HA! You forgot your true love's birthday!" laughed Wali. "I I..." Johann said. "Makes you singing forget you so much more ironic" Tomas quipped. He's pretty smart for being 3. "NOOOO" 10 said Johann, raising his fist to punch the child, And this guy is a social worker! but was cut off by a short kick to the shin. "Don't even think about it" Assef threatened, threateningly. He violently grabbed Johann by the trouser buckle and pulled him closer. "You and me, grinding, it would be kinda hot, right?" Uh, no.Johann shook his head. "yeah, so don't disgust both of us." He threw his adopted father to the ground with a look of contempt upon his face. "Come on, anyone let go home so we don't get to see this gross spectator" said the old man. "goodbye!" he roared. Suck on that, Johann."pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase oldmannn" said Johann, tears spilling down his face. "I will never hurt you!" "you already did" Kamal's voice was low, like a whisper, but you still heard it. "Im sorry, im sorry, im sorry, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no nooooooo" 11 he sobbed. Johann, you are 40. Act like it. "Papa Jojo?" said Tomas. "Assef, why is Papa Jojo and Daddy Old Man fighting?" he asked. "Cause he forget his birthday!" Assef empathized. That's actually impossible for Assef due to his brain-condition."What?" Tomas sneered. "Bad Papa Jojo!" he screamed. Poor innocent little Tomas. Daddy just punched him in the face for something that was Assef's fault, but he thinks forgetting George's birthday is worse."Yes, indeed dear" Assef replied. They went home in there car, which is to say the old man swung through the window on a rope because they forgot the key to the door. Is anyone else imagening him in leopard shorts? ;D Awww, I tricked you, didn't I hehehehe?Nah, not really. This is a family of psychos. It probably counted as bonding for them.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 22, 2012 21:09:39 GMT -8
Rose - or Ariana - has got something to say before we kick off chapter 10: Summary:- Please forgive me for the luck of poptart! Whatever that meant."Tom-Tom-Tommmy... Tommmmmmmmmmy! TOMMMMM!" Assef said, picking his brother up. He bounced him up and down, tickling him mercilessly. You do know that tickling is considered torture? Not that you'd care, of course."Baby! Comeee onnnnn!" He swung the child up in his arms. "We gotta go shop! We've gotta go shop! Shop! Shop! Whoooo!" screamed Assef excitedly. If he's that exited about going shopping, either he's taken some pills today, or he's forgotten to take some pills.So they went to the shop where the old man and Johann was wating for them to go shopping. They got there and sat down which is why they were eating. Did they even pay before they started eating?Then the doctor Which number? came over and said, "I am deeply sorry but to save the old man's life we must get him to the doctor soon to get a hip donor!" Artistic License - Medicine. By the way, I thought George's hip had "cleared up".So they packed up their things and went over to the hospitable to where the old man was wheeled away to the operating theatre. "Hey, you all need to train someone to become the hip of the old man," Uh, how would that work? said the nurse. "To make someone if they are worthy of giving their hip to the old man" OK, so someone else is going to hobble around with one hip? she retorted, and then she pulled a long rope out of her trouser pocket. Hammer space."Now you must all prove your worthiness" she said, tying the rope onto the door. She tossed it to Assef. "Have a go" she said. I'm seriously questioning the practices at this hospital.Assef caught hold of the rope and swung up into the air. He got so far when the rope stopped, unsure of what to do, he looked around, unsure of what to do. According to the principles of gravity and whatnot, when the rope ends Assef is going to land on his butt on the floor. Also, with the rope being tied to a doorknob, about a metre/3 feet above the floor, I bet he couldn't swing very far.He let go of the rope and flew through the air, Gravity doesn't work that way. unfortunately there was a nurse coming by with a man on a stretcher (buttle wound go easy homiepies) Assef landed on the stretcher, with such force the nurse flew through the air and then they were now heading down the hospital unable to stop. Yes, oh yes, the dangerous ride on inappropriate vehicle that must happen in every Ariana fic."STOP THEM!" said Johann, he was flying after them. He's been taking lessons from Voldemort, hasn't he. (Why did JK make flying a dark art? I've never understood why flying in itself is evil.)Assef and the stretcher were now zooming throe the hospital, people were trying their darnedest to make them stop, but it was too much of a chore for each of them. Assef was hanging on for his life as they were now flying down the corridor. Doctors and nurses were tinkering after them, and little Tommy was screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" said the escapologist who was almost flattened as Assef sped past him on a stretcher. What does an escapologist treat people for, I wonder. Too strong connections with reality? Inability to suspend disbelief when reading vampire romances?Johann tried to grab hold of the stretcher, but it was too late. They were headed for the stairs. Dun dun UND!"JOHANNN DOOOOOOOOO SOMETHINGGGGG!" Assef screamed while they were going to topple down the stairs, then he cracked onto the stretcher and they were now going back the other way. Gravity doesn't work that way either. They were on course to fly right into all the equipment, but Assef seemed to gain control of the situation. He was swerving left and right to avoid crashing into people. How do you control a runaway stretcher? They don't have steering wheels on them. But they couldn't stop. Hey, Johann? Tie the rope around Assef and toss him off. He'll function as a brake.They were now going at high speeds through the hospital. They were going so fast it was really the equivalent of being on a rollerblading, they were going sooooo fast. The old man was in the theater, they were now heading right for the operating theatre. Good, that's probably the best place you can injure yourself, because there are surgeons with equipment right there."this is gonna hurt" said Assef. they hit the door and started skidding along. "what's going on?" said the old man. The consequences of adopting a teenage psycho named Assef."ahhhhhh loook out!" They shouted while the doctors were running along and they were crashed into the wall and bounced off. "OLD MAN DO SOMETHING!" Assef screamed Great. George is in an operating theatre, apparently with a life threatening hip-condition, and the mighty Assef still needs his help sorting out the trouble he's caused. but the old man was one step ahead of him. He took out a rope and swung it up into the air, he grabbed Assef around the waist and hoisted him off the stretcher, the stretcher sped out the top floor window and onto the ground before he was tortured. What about Johann and that wounded soldier? Did they fall out of the window as well? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 12 said the old man as he fell to the ground. Assef screamed LIKE A WUZZ and toppled onto the ground while he fell down, down, down, then Johann swung by on a rope and grabbed him before he hit off the doctor, they both swung out the door and then they flew into the air and landed back onto the floor. I'm glad I don't have to make an animated sequence of that!Assef screamed because he's the world's biggest cry baby, while Tomas was running over to him and pumped into his arms. "oh my baby it's okay, we're here" he roared. "Well guess what johmon you are worthy of giving your hippo to the old man?" roared the nurse. Oh, so they have found a foreigner named Johmon, who has brought his pet hippo, to donate a bone to George. Xenotransplant? Poor hippo."FUCKIN HELL!" Assef roared. Yeah, I think it's kind of barbaric too.they all went back to the opstial were the old man was takin' to the old man who gave him an operastion. the end... for NOW!11 It was, for about two or three days. There are three more chapters so far. Although this is the last regular chapter. She turns it into a musical after this, and chapter 11 is so stupid it shouldn't exist.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Apr 23, 2012 0:42:51 GMT -8
God this is stupid.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Apr 23, 2012 2:19:13 GMT -8
And worse it gets! Then it gets somewhat better, and hopefully ends.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on May 3, 2012 13:14:57 GMT -8
Summary:- Please enjoy the next installment of Creating the Risque.Oh yes, the fantastic 11th chapter. Where this already bad story becomes an even worse musical.It was a beautiful day in the city of Ohio, Pencilvania. Oh, my head canon had it placed in Ireland. Johann and Tomas were out grocery shopping with Wali. Wali was sitting in the back seat of the car. I guess that means Johann let Tomas ride shotgun. Bit young for that, isn't he?"I have to tell you of a surprise that I must also tell to Assef." said Johann as he pecked Tomas on the head. "Oh, and what is that?" Tomas questioned. "We can't tell anyone unless Assef's here too. It's a surprise given to me and both the old man." Johann grinned as he pulled the car into the driveway of the motel, which is where they lived. Tomas hopped out of the car and began to walk that to the house. "Oh, DON'T help me with the groceries!" Johann gruffawled sarcastically. Bad Wali!They all went up to the door and Johann took out his key. "No problem, thanks" he said into the phone. Kind of a random thing to do, considering there were no one actually in the other end.He was greeted by an over-enthusiastic old man, who jumped up and threw the bag of groceries into the open fire. Alzheimers."What'd ya do that for?" Assef asked, raising one eyebrow skeptically. "We have a surprise for our sons" said Johann. "Get Kamal down here pronto!" He asked. "KAMAL!" Assef shouted up the stairs. "Get down here! Our, um, dads want to tell us something," he said. Kamal came like lightning. He went and sat down on the sofa when the old man said, "take a seat" "What's the surprise?" said Tomas. "Is it a good one?" He was bouncing up and down on his seat. "I'm sure it's delightful." Assef said, smiling knowingly. "Tell us then. Go on. Go ON!" He screamed. Been over-sugaring your corn flakes today, haven't you Tomas?The old man held up something on his finger. He waggled his finger. A glint of diamond was showing upon whom which is the finger of the old man. "You're engaged!" Assef screamed. "Oh my GOD! Fuck off!" He screamed in delight as he jumped up and flung it arm around it old man. "Well done! Who pooped the question! Ick. Tell me, TELL US, everything!" He screamed again. "Well my beloved old man got down onto the one true knee and took out a knee." Johann explained. He said, giggling, "He sang me a song." He proposed with a knee? Oooh, I get it! Remember the hippo they took a hip from? This must be a knee joint from the same hippo, that George has kept as a souvenir. Apparently he has also had one of his own knees replaced, since it's his real one he's kneeling on. They started to sing the song once more for the benefit of those who was not there (they all joint in) the song that which they were to sing for the proposal of the old man to Johann. Why don't I just add the song? You know, for really getting into the spirit of the story!Old ManEasy come, easy go, that's just how you live Oh, take, take, take it all but you never give Should've known you was trouble from the first kiss Had your eyes wide open, why were they open? JohannGave you all I had And you tossed it in the trash Was in the fire, actually.You tossed it in the trash, you did To give me all your love Is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand Is Both
I'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) WaliI would go through all this pain KamalTake a bullet straight through my brain AssefYes, I would die for you, baby But you won't do the same TomasBlack, black, black and blue Beat me 'til I'm numb Tell the devil I said "Hey" when you get back to where you're from Mad woman, bad woman That's just what you are Yeah, you smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car Old Man
Gave you all I had And you tossed it in the trash You tossed it in the trash, yes you did To give me all your love Is all I ever asked Cause what you don't understand Is JohannI'd catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on the blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) AssefYou know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I would go through all this pain Take a bullet straight through my brain Kamal and Wali
Yes, I would die for you, baby But you won't do the same Tomas
If my body was on fire You would watch me burn down in flames Assef and Old ManYou said you loved me, you're a liar Cause you never ever ever did, baby Old Man and JohannBut, darling, I'd still catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on the blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I'd jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) You know I'd do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I would go through all this pain Take a bullet straight through my brain Yes I would die for you baby But you won't do the same Old ManNo, you won't do the same WaliYou wouldn't do the same Assef
Ooh, you'd never do the same TomasOh, no no no Old Man
Fuuuuckkkkkk you alllll! That's not actually part of the song.
Hm, if this is really how they feel about each other, maybe marriage isn't such a good idea.After the song ended, Assef burst into tears and they all went to the church. Out of nowhere, Assef starts to run down the aisle to where Johann was in the middle of the alter, screaming. "It's time people! On three!" He shouted to the count of tree, two, one, and suddenly, a loud of elephants and circus performers burst into the room. Everyone in the congregation laughed to their surprise and began to sing. I'm not putting Chris Brown in MY snark, because he's a bastard who dabbles in domestic abuse. Feel me excert my power!Old ManI don't see how you can hate from outside of the club You can't even get in Hahaha, leggo PriestYellow model chick Yellow bottle sipping Yellow Lamborghini Yellow top missing Yeah, yeah The Priest is surprisingly liberal.KamalThat shit look like a toupee Shouldn't it be the toupeé that looks like s***? CB sucks almost as much at writing as Rosie.I get what you get in 10 years, in two days Ladies love me, I'm on my Cool J If you get what I get, what would you say? She wax it all off, And them suicide doors, Hari Kari JohannLook at me now, look at me now Oh, I'm getting paper Look at me now Oh, look at me now Yeah, fresher than a motherfucker I don't think these wedding wows are neither legally nor religiously valid...Lil nigga bigger than gorilla 'Cause I'm killing every nigga that come try to be on my shit Yeah, I get that CB has N-word privileges since he's racially mixed. But to me he just sounds incredibly hypocritical.WaliBetter cuff your chick if you with her, I can get her And she accidentally slip and fall on my dick Oops I said on my dick I ain't really mean to say on my dick ESPECIALLY NOT IN CHURCH!!! DURING A WEDDING!!! IN FRONT OF CHILDREN AND JOHANN'S GRANDMOTHER!!! KamalBut since we talking about my dick AssefAll of you haters say hi to it sadlkjdlsjkgCHURCHlghrjhjlgdhlkgdjhljWEDDINGglkhngklhj6-YEAR-OLDhglkhngklnhjl!!!!!!!!!!I'm done TomasHell Breezy Oh great... swearing in church. Tomas is learning great manners at home... NOT. The stupid cops can't find him soon enough!Let me show you how to keep the dice rolling When you're doing that thing over there homie Ahahahah Let's go! Assef'Cause I'm feeling like I'm running And I'm feeling like I gotta get away, get away, get away Better know that I don't and I won't ever stop 'Cause you know I gotta win everyday, day Go! Kamal
See they really really wanna pop me Just know that you will never flop me And I know that I can be a little cocky Ohhh You ain't never gonna stop me Old ManEvery time I come a nigga gotta set it, then I gotta go, and then I gotta get it Then I gotta blow, and then I gotta shut out any little thing that nigga think that he be doing 'Cause it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm gonna dadadada Then I'm gonna murder every thing and anything a badaboom a badabing Can this song suck any more? Oh, and BTW... George is not ever mentioned to be Black, so he has no N-word rights at all. Meaning that this song not only makes the scene totally ridiculous, stupid, blasphemic, offensive, misogynist etc. IT'S ALSO VERY RACIST! PriestI gotta do a lot of things, to make it clearer to a couple niggas That I always win and then I gotta get it again, and again, and then again [breath] And I be doing it to death and now I move a little foul A nigga better call a ref, and everybody knows my style And niggas know that I'm the the best when it come to doing this Enjoy your excomunication... Wali and KamalAnd I be banging on my chest, and I bang in the east, and I'm banging in the west And I come to give you more and I will never give you less You will hear it in the street or you can read it in the press Do you really wanna know what's next? Let's go See the way we on it and we all up in the race and you know JohannWe gotta go, now try to keep up with the pace And we struggle and I hustle and I set it and I get it And we always gotta do it take it to another place Gotta taste it and I gotta grab it And I gotta cut all through this traffic Just to be at the top of the throne Better know I gotta have it, have it CongregationLook at me now, look at me now Oh, I'm getting paper Look at me now Oh, look at me now Yeah, fresher than a motherfucker Oh dear. With this sort of family members, there is no wonder why they are all mentally chewed and spit out.TomasMan fuck these bitch ass niggas, how y'all doin'? I'm Lil Tunechi, I'm a nuisance, I go stupid, I go dumb like the 3 stooges I don't eat sushi, I'm the shit, no I'm pollution, no substitution Tomas, go wash your mouth with soap. You ought to be singing Sesame Street tunes. AssefGot a bitch that play in movies in my Jacuzzi, pussy juicy I never gave a fuck about a hater, got money on my radar Dress like a skater, got a big house, came with an elevator You niggas ain't eatin', fuck it, tell a waiter Marley said, "Shoot 'em", and I said, "Okay" If you on that bullshit then I'm like olay I don't care what you say, so don't even speak And ironically, this is probably as in character as Assef's going to be in this story.Wali
Your girlfriend a freak like Cirque Du Soleil That's word to my flag, and my flag red I'm out of my head, bitch I'm outta my mind, from the bottom I climb You ain't hotter than mine, nope, not on my time and I'm not even trying What's poppin' Slime? Nothin' five, and if they trippin' fuck 'em five KamalI ain't got no time to shuck and jive, these niggas as sweet as pumpkin pie Ciroc and sprite on a private flight, Bitch I've been tight since "Guiding light", And my pockets right, and my diamonds white And my momma's nice and my daddy's gay You have two Dads that are both gay, darling.AssefYou faggots gay 'cause I'm too wild, been here for a while Oh THAT'S a nice thing to say during your fathers' wedding!
Isn't this song over yet?I was like fuck trial I puts it down I'm so Young Money, if you got eyes look at me now, bitch Everyone/AllLook at me now, look at me now Oh, I'm getting paper Look at me now Oh, look at me now Yeah, I'm fresher than amotherfucker Oh thank Goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I was already so damaged that nothing could break my brain, but I think this scene just did.After that they sang there song, the priest was hasty to marriage the old man and Johann. "Cingrations" said everyone as they laughed and kissed. Yeah, whatever. I don't care. I'm going to get sloshed and cry myself to sleep.I'm going to make a musical of it. The songs were Grenade by Bruno Mars and Look at me Now by Chris Brown. I don't own them.Would you want to? They suck!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on May 3, 2012 14:23:48 GMT -8
Summary:- I'm sorry! I had to do it, I'm sorry! Forgive meeeeee!I can't bear to leave the snark off with the abomination that's chapter 11, so I'll do the next one as well. It's less sanity breaking, at least.It had been a beautiful day, thought the old man as he walked down the street. Even now, he could sell the burning fire, the screams. How had it gone so wrong? So for George, a beautiful day is obviously one where something goes horribly wrong.Well, what happened was, in case you're wondering, Assef, Wali and Kamal had gone out. Everyone knew why the fuck they were gone out, and Assef had not allowed Tomas to come with him. Not after Gary, he'd said. Not after the child whom he had shot, almost raped, well, he wasn't going to let that happen again. Can anyone remember Assef shooting Gary? I can't. And if Assef doesn't trust himself around Tomas even with the other two there, maybe he should, dunno... RETURN HIM TO HIS MOM?So anyway, Johann and the Old man took Tomas to the park, but kept a watchful eye from Edward Cullen, who was still at large, the police said they were going to arrest him. Right. The same police who didn't recognize a missing boy who's been talked about on TV. Not much of a chance, no. Well, Tomas was shrieking excitedly, and everyone decided they would go the park. Then, after that, they went to the market. They were walking along, when they spotted Assef. "ASSEF!" shouted Tomas, he began to run over to him. Then, from high above, they heard a voice say, "Not so fast, little child!" Tomas looked up slepically. It was, believe it or not, the master nun! Dun Dun NUN! (Sorry, I had to.) He was holding a large gun, and he had it aimed right for Assef's head. Assef didn't see him, or maybe he was pretending not to, then, the master nun shot! Assef dove to the ground just in time, to see the bullet whip past him and shout an orange when the master nun dove from the roof. His cape flew out behind him, as he swan dived to the ground. My head canon about the Master Nun is that he's some extremely wanted criminal overlord with super-villain powers. He's been hiding in the orphanage for the same reasons as Assef did, masquerading as Mother Superior. It would explain why he has a gun.Tomas ran, his feet sacking the floor, crying as he dove onto Assef. "Assef... Assef... nooooooooooooooooo!" said Tomas. "It's alright, we'll frighten him off, run, RUN!" Tomas didn't need to be told twice, he jumped up and raced over to the old man. Hold on a second... Assef and Tomas are vampires. That means bullets won't harm them at all, unless they are made from silver. Or possibly wood. He might have brought special ammo for the mission, providing he even knows that they are vamps. But I don't really think that the two of them are in as much danger as the others. They should easily be able to fight off one human."Daddy, ooh, help us!" He said. The old man nodded, and set about finding a rope. And as usual, Daddy Old needs to save them.Meanwhile, in the old man's face, there was set determination as the master nun looked at Assef evilly. "You may be only a child, but you've lashed out at my son, my Gary! He's not dead! But you will be!" And he shot. Apparently the Master was a family man before he occupied the orphanage. Gary is bad guy junior. No surprise there.Assef rolled onto the ground. "You're not taking me alive you bigot!" shrieked the master nun, cracking Assef across the face with the barrel of his gun. Assef screamed in pain, clutching his bloody nose. He kicked the master nun in the face and got to his feet. Meanwhile, Wali was tying a rope around the old man, patting him condesendingly on the head. Don't do that, Wali. George can still kick your ass into next decade. He's also got a super strong leg that used to belong to a hippo. Those are some solid bones... Then, before anyone could react, they could smell... FIRE! "It's a boom!" said Kamal. Kamal has gotten that same mental thing as Tomas, that makes him speak like he's three. He turned to the wolf. "Look out!" Then, Assef said, "What?" because he couldn't smell it. He had nostular problems. The old man was nowhere to be found. Tim was ticking away. Tim: Help! Mark? Kurt? Talys? Anybody? He's strapped a bomb onto me! Johann raced forward, his face a grey mask of homosexuality, Is that meant to be a flattering description? Because it doesn't really sound that way. he was as free as the wind. Assef felt himself go flying back as Johann's fist went flying into his stomach. He catapulted backward and landed on the ground. Then, the bomb went off! Tim: Oh thank Goodness you got me away.Smoke was everywhere, as the old man swung by on a rape Paging Dr. Freud and caught someone, he wasn't sure who. He swung them around, and they fell to the ground. It was Wali. "Assef..." Wali choked out. He ran over to where the black haired boy lay caughing. "Are you alright?" He roared as silently as pissible. "Mhhm," Assef said. "What, what, what's that?" He pointed to a lump on the ground. This is not good...It was Johann. OH CRAP! By the time they reached him, he was lying unconcious and dead on the ground. He was blown to bits. Poor Johan! Sure he had his crazy moments, but he didn't deserve to die like that. And not to mention that George is too old to suffer such a loss, as well as Tomas is much too young. Sure this is a bad story, but I feel bad for them. They can't help being in this horror of a fic."Johann! MOOOOOOON!" said the old man as he fell to his knees beside what should have been a hand. That is actually pretty well said. In a serious fic that could have been a heart-wrenching mental image. He began to cry. "Please, baby! No! Oh God, I beg of you, please! Wake up!" He said crying. Tomas collapsed next to him as Kamal pulled him, Tomas, away. "Don't luck at him, it's hideous, I can believe that! don't!" He screamed in the child's ear. And now Tomas is also deaf in one ear.Assef punched Johann in the face. "FEEL THAT YOU FAGGOT!" He shouted in absolute sorrow. Actually, grief and shock can make people do things like that! He turned Johann over and got on his back, straddling his legs over the raw, bloody slab of meat. Lovely description, isn't it? He began bouncing around on his back. Uh, why?"He must be of some use!" He said. OK. I forgot this was Assef we're talking about. "Let's go!" He was bouncing on his back. He began sobbing as he flew through the air. Everyone jumped onto Johann and started going at high speeds. They were no going at 50000000000000000 miles per hour! They are flying on Johann? THIS IS ILLOGICAL AND MAKES NO SENSE!!!!!!!!They were headed for the master nun. "When I say jump, everyone go!" Assef said. The master nun was polishing his gun looking very pleased with himself for having killed Assef, or so he thought! There was something rocketing towards him, a bloody blurred beneficial mass! "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU FAGGOT!" shouted Assef He must have converted. I'm pretty sure he used to be strongly Muslim. just before he dove off Johann. Johann rocketeered into the master nun, sending him upwards into an explosion of stars! Hopefully he's gone for good. One less crime boss spreading fear in the world. The children and Nuns at the orphanage must be really relieved when they realize he's not coming back. He must have scared them all into silence with that gun of his.Everyone began to sing, their voices a harmonious melody. Tomas(Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) what's wrong with me? You're a vampire raised by psychos.(Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) why do i feel like this? Your brains been borked.(Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) i'm go-ing cra-zy now Yes, you are. Poor kid.Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum WaliNo more gas in the rig Can't even get it started, Nothing heard, nothing said Can't even speak about it, KamalAll my life on my head Don't want to think about it, Feels like I'm going insane Ye-eah. Old ManIt's a thief in the night To come and grab you (mm-hm) It can creep up inside you And consume you (mm-hm) AssefA disease of the mind It can control you (mm-hm) It's too close for comfort woah! No shitting. This song is practically about you!EveryoneThrow on your break lights We're in the city of wonder Ain't gonna play nice Watch out, you might just go under Better think twice Your train of thought will be altered So if you must faulter be wise AssefYour mind is in disturbia It's like the darkness is the light Disturbia Am I scaring you tonight You're usually scary every night and day.disturbia Ain't used to what you like Disturbia.. Disturbi-ia Master Nun YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EXPLODED!Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Faded pictures on the wall It's like they talkin' to me, Oh, he's a ghost. Of course! He's talking to the ex-Headmasters.Disconnectin' your call Your phone don't even ring, I gotta get out Or figure this shit out, It's too close for comfort wo-o-oah TomasIt's a thief in the night Named Assef!To come and grab you (mm-hm) He did indeed!It can creep up inside you And consume you (mm-hm) And he drank your blood!WaliA disease of the mind KamalIt can control you (mm-hm) Assef
I feel like a monster wo-o-oah! He feels like himself again. Old ManThrow on your break lights (We're in the city of wonder) city of lights (Watch out) ohh (you might just go under Better think twice) think twice Your train of thought will be altered So if you must faulter (be wise )be wise Your mind is in disturbia It's like the darkness is the light WaliDisturbia Am I scaring you tonight disturbia Ain't used to what you like Disturbia disturbi-ia..ahh. Everyone(Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) bum bum be-dum (Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) bum bum be-duum (Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum) disturbia Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum KamalRelease me from this curse i'm in trying to remain tame But I'm struggling if You can't go-o-o-o-o-o I think I'm going to oh, oh, oh ohhhhhhhhh Assef(Throw on your break lights We're in the city of wonder Watch out, you might just go under) Better think twice Your train of thought will be altered So if you must faulter be wise Your mind is in disturbia TomasIt's like the darkness is the light Disturbia Am I scaring you tonight I'm very worried about you!disturbia (Ain't) disturbia (used to what you like)ahhhhhhhhh (Disturbia Disturbia) ohhh Old ManBum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum Edward Cullen Fuck did he come from?Oooh, woah-woah-woah. Song used is Disturbia by Rihanna. It fits how everyone is disturbed by that which they see!May I suggest another song that would have fitted better?This is the Old Man grieving, and wondering why Johann sometimes treated him so badly!
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Post by Talys Alankil on May 4, 2012 4:04:28 GMT -8
Did she just say the city of Ohio ? Does that count as a reference to Brian being from the city of Canada ? Yaaay Grenade ! I missed that song since the Hunchback fic ! Not. And that's the worst song to sing when you're freshly engaged. Especially considering that Bruno Mars has a song about wedding. Which is stupid to, and kind of disrespectful of marriage, but at least sort of appropriate for the circumstance. And I know Ariana/Rosie knows about it since it was on Glee. But… wait. Something's not right about it. Ariana/Rosie copy-pasted the lyrics instead of re-writing them with her insane spelling. Okay, I guess it makes sense since "Rosie" has an okay spelling, but still. It's not the same. But I love the "Fuck you all" conclusion. I get Prince Ali vibes from the elephant bursting in the room. Unless she meant a metaphorical elephant, i.e. the monster that is Chris Brown. Except that doesn't explain the circus performers. Damn me for trying to be too deep. Would it be appropriate for me now to link to Todd's Turn Up The Music's review, which is actually a 15-minute bashing of Chris Brown ?Ohai Tim ! What are you doing here ? Good thing Johann was there to save you. Well, I think Johann saved you. This whole passage is quite incoherent. Speaking of incoherent, I love how Johann is unconscious, dead, and blown to bits in the same paragraph. Simultaneously. And his corpse can apparently outspeed light. Man, is that badass. I think the "MOOOON" should have counted towards the Big No count, though. That's probably what it was supposed to be.But anyway. I actually like this better as a musical. It has some entertainment value. More than the earlier parts with Assef acting like a big brother to Tomas. That was just plain boring and stupid. Re-reading my post, it feels like random ramblings. Which it pretty much is. So I'm sorry. But I'm not deleting it ;D
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