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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 19, 2012 22:22:24 GMT -8
Many have heard of the legend of Tara Gilesbie, who is known throughout the vast realms of the interwebs as xxxbloodyrists666xxx. Her epic tale My Immortal has been passed down throughout the ages from reader to reader as one of the most striking examples of fanfiction. A work of such horrific grammar, lack of plot, ridiculous characterization, and sheer what-the-fuckery that it has crossed the line from being a monstrosity that should be read by no one, into genius. Every person who has ever been on the internet should read it at least once, for there is no other experience like it nor shall there ever be again.
Although cast out from its homeland known by many only as the Pit, it has been saved by many a site so that all may partake of it and grow wiser in the ways of the webs. It is said that whomever shall read it from beginning to end without pause and without breaking shall gain perfect enlightenment, for the soul who could accomplish such a task would be a soul capable of anything.
Tara has gone down in internet lore as one of the greatest trolls to ever practice her dark craft. Her trollness has been speculated upon by many a scholar in badfic, and there are many who believe her to have been actually what she claimed to be. However some evidence, such as her mentioning of Tom Bombadil and the sheer overwhelming incompetence of the writing even in the face of spellcheck, suggests that indeed, Tara was in on the joke.
Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about her friend.
Xxxbloodytearz666xxx, is more commonly known as Raven as she is called in the author’s notes of My Immortal. She was also present in the story, going by the name of Willow. Like Tara, Raven is also a badfic author of great notoriety and fame. However, as she is not as over-the-top as her more infamous sister-in-fanfiction, it is quite possible that she could in fact be the real deal.
Her counterpart to My Immortal is the legendary work of Sue: I’m Not Okay. It stayed on the Pit for longer than its more famous sister fic, but it too has been exiled. Sadly, it is nowhere near as easy to find. Nevertheless, using the great powers of the Google, it has been found. And it shall be sporked here so that it shall be preserved for posterity. So that all may partake of this milestone in fanfiction history.
Behold it in all of its glory.
Chapter 1: Helena
Heads up: this will have nothing to do with anyone named Helena.
a/n: ok I don’t own this but whatever.
Hey! An author’s note that doesn’t include the word “goff” or “fangz.” Let’s see how long that lasts. Place your bets, people!
Fifteen-year-old Eternity Demen’tia Johnson warily took a seat on the Hogwarts Express.
*cracks knuckles* First things first. The name. I’m not even going to focus on the fact that her middle name is a mental illness. At least she doesn’t have fifty of the damn things. Why the flying hell is there an apostrophe in there? What is she, a drow?
As she did so, she heard many giggles in the air. Ugh. Stupid preps.
Not four sentences in and the epic battle of preps vs. goffs is already underway! Seriously, now. Anyone who giggles is a prep and stupid? A wee judgmental, aren’t we?
Eternity had hoped she wouldn’t see any when she came to Hogwarts. They had made her life in Los Angeles High School miserable. Now she was supposed to put up with them here?
Los Angeles High School. Because there is only one high school in the entirety of Los Angeles! It must be crowded as fuckall. And for reals. You’re having a pity party because you heard some people laugh.
She sighed sadly, and stared out of the window. In her misery, she her iPod out of her Emily the Strange bag and blared on some My Chemical Romance (A/N: Don’t they rock?).
An iPod. On the Hogwarts Express. I see that pesky rule about no electricity around magic won’t stop our intrepid Sue from getting her angst soundtrack on. And I really haven’t listened to enough My Chemical Romance to form an opinion nor do a care to. I’m such a prep. And name-dropping Emily the Strange, how goff you are.
Oh great. Now even more preps were giving her dirty looks. Eternity tried her best to ignore them.
If they’re glaring at you right after you turned on your iPod, it’s probably way too loud. Especially since you’re probably in your own compartment thing on the train, knowing you. Turn it down before your ears burst, girl!
It wasn’t because Eternity was dirty or deformed or anything.
A Sue? Being less than perfect? Nevar!
Maybe it was something to do with her black leather corset, or her ripped black miniskirt or her black combat boots or the metal music she was listening to.
Oh, honey. You think My Chemical Romance is metal. You’re adorable. And the Hot Topic porn from My Immortal is back, yippy skippy!
Eternity hated how people judged her like that just because she was a goth.
No, it’s because, as we’ll see in the future, you do everything in your power to push people away from you if they aren’t quite up to your oh-so-goffic standards.
And if they are judging you for being a Goth, maybe you should have thought twice before sacking Rome. It’s just not polite to go raiding cities like that.
She was beautiful, with long raven black hair with red streaks, deathly pale ivory skin and piercing blue eyes that would make any goth man’s heart beat like a subway train. She was skinny, but had curves in the right places.
Skinny, but with curves in the right places. Of fucking course. What would those “right places” be, pray tell? I’m just gonna assume she’s got really curvy ears.
But her eyes still bore the sadness of the scars of her tragic past.
Cause every goff is tragic! No one’s goth just because they like the style and/or the music! That’s just silly talk. *takes out tiny violin*
When she was two, Eternity’s parents (she was a pureblood)
As every good Sue is. It’s much superior to being a filthy mudblood, you know?/sarcasm
Seriously, how many Sues have been purebloods? One of the biggest things of the books was that being pureblood didn’t make you better than anyone else.
had committed suicide by slitting their wrists.
Leaving their tiny daughter all alone without any designated guardians to care for her. What great parents they must have been. Was there any reason that they did this? Other than to give the Sue something to wangst about?
Maybe they killed themselves when they realized they spawned a Sue.
She was adopted when she was five, but all was not well. Her new life was hell. She was constantly abused, beat and raped by her new adopted parents.
Because in fictionland, all parents who were not the genetic spawners of the child in question are always abusive. I know there are serious problems in the handling of children by the state, but for fuck’s sake! Adoptive parents can be just as loving and caring as biological ones! At least the Dursleys were believably neglectful and Petunia and Dudley had some humanizing points.
Every night she would sit down and cry in her bed. Even at school, she was always being bullied. Her life was totally fucked-up and she couldn’t stand it.
Bullied? Bullied how? Care to give examples? At least with the abusive parents who will never be a part of the story and were just there to make the Sue more TWAGICAL we were given examples of what they did. We’re not going to pity your Sue simply because you tell us to.
When she was eleven, she kept getting mail and stuff from Hogwarts but her adopted parents wouldn’t let her go.
Why would a girl in LA get letters to go to a magic school in Scotland? I’m pretty sure the US has its own magical schools. And wouldn’t let her go? Did you not read the first book or at least watch the movie? Hogwarts gets pretty insistent about kids going. With good reason as untrained witches and wizards can be dangerous with accidental magic going off. This is all so that the Sue can get a big fancy intro to Hogwarts while still being old enough to hook up with Draco.
Finally, at fourteen, she was forced to run away.
Question. If she’s a teenage runaway from abusive parents, how could she afford that iPod and all of those expensive goth clothes. I don’t wear things like that, but I’ve seen price tags at Hot Topic and I’m tellin’ ya: not cheap. Plus for the iPod, not only would she need the money for the thing itself, but also for cards to buy songs as well as a computer to download said songs from and to charge it. Someone’s parents weren’t nearly as bad as she wants us to think…
Anyway, Eternity saw someone trying to sit down next to her. She jumped to her feet.
“Get the fuck out of here you fucking bastard!” she shouted.
Aren’t you pleasant. Someone tries to take an empty seat on a crowded train and your first reaction is to scream and cuss him out. I’m beginning to see why everyone keeps giving you dirty looks.
You could make the argument that it’s because of her abusive past, but I’m pretty sure that, because of reasons mentioned before, her life was nowhere near as bad as she claimed.
”What’s wrong?” asked the person. Suddenly Eternity felt calmed down. The person had a very low, sexy voice.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” Eternity apologized.
Yes, you’re only apologetic when you find someone sexy. Not because you did anything wrong. It’s like Enoby all over again…
”It’s alright. Now can I at least fucking sit here?” asked the boy.
As you might have guessed already, this is Malfoy. The second sentence might be a stretch of character for him, but the first? Malfoy would not be calm and understanding of someone who cursed in his face, particularly not someone he doesn’t know the family history of. As soon as he opened her mouth he would have stuck his head outside the window to yell for daddy to get her expelled before she even got to Hogwarts.
“Fine.” said Eternity.
The boy sat down. Eternity looked at his face. He was extremely hot. He had long dyed black hair and blue eyes.
Ergh. Malfoy would never dye his hair. It makes him look like a Malfoy and being the little pureblood supremacist he is, he would want everyone to see it. I can see him growing it long, if only to look like his father. And his eyes are grey. Not blue.
“What’s you’re name?” asked Eternity.
YOUR. NOT YOU’RE! “What’s you are name?” makes no damn sense!
“Draco.” he said.
“That’s an unusual name. But I guess I can’t fucking talk. My name’s Eternity.” said Eternity.
“Cool.” said Draco. Draco and Eternity shook hands.
“How old are you?” Eternity wanted to know.
“Fifteen. How about you?” asked Draco.
“Same.”
Then, the train stopped and Draco and Eternity had to separate.
That last hunk was dull as dirt. The most exciting thing about it was that apparently the Hogwarts Express takes less than ten minutes to get from London to Hogwarts. I know it’s magic but still.
Chapter one down. Bring it, badfic! I'll take whatever you got!
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Post by annoyed on Oct 20, 2012 14:35:16 GMT -8
Why do fangirls always want to hook up with Draco? Is it because they think the actor who played him is hot?
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 20, 2012 16:47:34 GMT -8
Onward!Chapter 2: The Beautiful People You do know Marilyn Manson was making fun of so-called beautiful people, right? This chapter is all about you squealing over people you think are hot.a/n: if ur a prep, DON'T READ THIS STORY. I have no idea whether or not the ancient city of Ur was a prep. Were the Sumerians preps? They had some pretty bitchin' bling.
Should I still read or not?If you're not please help me out by suggesting some goth bands and movies for me to reference. Thanx. If you're really such a goth, shouldn't you already know some goth bands and movies? What are you asking me for?After the train ride Eternity and the other students got off the train. Eternity was shocked. In front of her was a beautiful castle. A very tall bearded man asked them to follow him into little boats. Yup. First year so she can have the big fancy boat ride and get sorted. I wonder how long it will be until she's moved up to fifth year so she can be in class with Draco after she gets through with all of the first year stuff she wanted to do?Draco waved good-bye to Eternity and made death's touch sign (a/n: if u don't know what that is I suggest u fuck off to a Britney Spears concert or something). I know what it is, and I'm pissed. You're already messing up Harry Potter. Leave other young adult series out of this! And just because other people have different tastes than you doesn't give you the right to tell them to fuck off.Eternity and the others trooped inside the big castle. Hup two three four, hup two three four! Atteeeeen-SHUN!"Is this the school?" she asked a fourth-year next to her. Fourth year? But she's going to the boats! That's a first year thing! What's the fourth year doing there?"It's beautiful." said Eternity. "You think that's beautiful?" a preppy first-year girl with blonde hair wearing a Hilary Duff t-shirt asked. Because no one with blonde hair who likes Hilary Duff could ever appreciate Hogwarts./sarcasm
Shouldn't they have changed into school uniforms by now? And was Hilary Duff ever popular in the UK? Anyone across the pond want to tell me if you have the same teen idols there as over here?
Plus, out of all the teen stars the Disney factory ever shoved out, Hilary's one of the ones I actually have some respect for. She hasn't made a tabloid frenzy of her life, from what I can tell she seems fairly down-to-earth, and her singing voice actually isn't that bad even if her music's not really my thing. Why the hate?"Why the fuck not?" Eternity asked defensively. "Yuck, it looks scary to me." said the girl and Eternity rolled her eyes. Oh, how dare an eleven-year-old be frightened of an old castle that looks haunted and for that matter actually is haunted? And Eternity cursed the little girl out for having different tastes than her, real nice. You know, Eternity, maybe preps don't like you because you keep cursing at them and flipping them off for no other reason than having a different style and taste in music than you. Ever think of that?"Ignore her. She's just another stuck-up prep." said another girl next to Eternity. You know, you guys are the ones who look down their noses at other people for not being like you. A girl several years younger than you at that! Maybe you're the ones who are stuck up! Way to gang up on the poor kid!Eternity looked at the girl. She was pretty and she looked about fifteen and had long black hair with purple streaks up to her waist with one forest-green eye and one blue one. She was wearing a long flowing black dress under her school uniform (at least someone's in their uniform!) and fishnets and combat boots underneath that. We have to know absolutely everything she's wearing! The story would just fall to shreds without this vital information!"What's your name?" Eternity asked her. "Fillipa (a/n: Filly there's a shout-out 2 u girlfriend!) Clarke. Goody. Another insert of a random gofficky friend. Oh, how this grows more like My Immortal with every passing sentence...Call me Filly if you want. But my middle name's Shadow. You could call me that too." she said. They shook hands. OK, I know weird baby names are all the rage these days, but who gives their kid the middle name "Shadow"?! Is she secretly Balder? (a/n: if u don't know what i'm referencing den...you have different preferences in books than I, and that is perfectly OK.)Then they had to separate because Eternity had to follow Hagrid (how do you know what his name is; earlier he was just a tall guy with a beard) and the first-years into a magnificent hall. Banners were draped everywhere and there were four long tables in the room. An old man with a long beard introduced himself. "I am Professor Dumbledore. Welcome back." he said. He made a long speech then he brought out an old wrinkly hat to sort them into houses. My, but this is descriptive. And sort who into houses? You forgot to specify, Suethor."Let the sorting begin!" he announced. Eternity gasped then, because the hat burst into song. after he sang the song, everyone clapped. The sound of applause filled the large room. My excitement knows no bounds.Some people went down to be sorted. When it was Eternity's turn, she sat down nervously on the wooden chair and her heart beat like thunder. Golly gee whiz. I wonder what house she'll be sorted into?"Slytherin!" shouted the hat. Wow. I totally did not see that coming. What a twist!Happiness filled Eternity. How could it be? Why are you happy? You don't know what Slytherin is. You were kept away from magical society for most of your life. Is it because of Draco? He never told you what house he was in. What the what?Draco looed at her his grey blue eyes filled with joy. Why? He doesn't know her and she cussed him out.Eternity shrugged and sat down at the Slytherin table next to Shadow. The night went on and Hogwarts had a feast. Meanwhile Shadow introduced Eternity to her friends. (Draco was one of them.) As Crabbe and Goyle are not goth or sexy, they shall not appear. And what a coincidence, all the goffs know one another.She pointed to a girl with long purple hair with black tips wearing ripped jeans and an Atreyu t-shirt (a/n: that's u, Tara!). Enoby returns! Hide yo kids! Hide yo wife!"That's Elvira." she said. Mistress of the Dark? Don't bring her into this, please. I'm already suffering enough from the other fandom you brought into your crapfest...Then she introduced Eternity to another boy with black hair and green eyes. Inanna's sagging teats, I know who this is..."Hey, bitch." grinned Elvira. Charming. Now, my own family uses insults all the time as terms of affection, but we're family. We're comfortable enough with each other to do that. These two, in terms of the story, have just met. Eternity should feel insulted.
I think Eternity's a bitch too, but still..."And that's Darren. He's a half-vampire." she said, pointing to the boy. I KNEW IT! GRAHRGLEFLARGLE! What the hell is Darren Shan doing here?! Why is he in Hogwarts?! Why the hell would Crepsley let him go there?! He's not a wizard! Why do the others know he's a half-vampire?! Vampires are supposed to keep themselves a secret! He's not a goth! Why is he in Slytherin?! He's not a pureblood! Since vampire culture in his books are focused around bravery and physical prowess, he should be in Gryffindor if in any house at all! How do Eternity and Draco know the death's touch sign?! That's a very private vampire thing!
ARRRRGGGH! *brain explodes*"Hi." said Darren. Poor bastard's already resolved to his Sueific fate...The four of them talked about Marilyn Manson and the Underworld movies for a while and made fun of Christina Aguilera and Hilary Duff. How convenient that they all have the exact same opinions.
OK, how the hell do either Malfoy or Darren know what these things are?! Malfoy prides himself on being as separate from Muggles as possible and Darren's spent most of his time in a traveling freak show or a closed-off vampire civilzation. Neither of them would know of these things and I don't think they'd care about them either even if they did know. Hell, in his pre-vampire days I think Darren would have been the type to sort of have a crush on Aguilera or Duff.Then, it was time to go to the dormitories. Two down, three to go. I can take you, Raven!
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 20, 2012 16:50:19 GMT -8
Why do fangirls always want to hook up with Draco? Is it because they think the actor who played him is hot? Likely. To be fair, his actor is fairly cute and from what I've seen seems like a genuinely sweet guy. But Malfoy and his actor are not the same person and they can't seem to tell that. That and Malfoy's a "bad boy" who just needs their twu wuv to get all better. Gag me. |
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 20, 2012 21:34:54 GMT -8
And on we go.
Chapter 3: Duality
Ooh, I think this will be a fascinating in-depth look at the concept of duality in mythology, don't you?
a/n: look, I don't care when the f Harry Potter is in my version it takes place now.
Glad to see your love and appreciation of the source material and your determination to make sure that your work stays faithful to the spirit of the thing.
BTW, please come up with some goth books and movies.
You're the supposed goth, you come up with them.
If u notice I used some of the gothic bands!
Raven: And by "used" I mean "name-dropped to make my characters look more goffic!"
PS: NO PREPS.
You're so open and tolerant of other people...
After dinner Eternity had to go back into a line with the first-years (she was part of them but much older)
Wonder how long that will last...
and Draco and another girl lead them upstairs into the Slytherin dorm.
Upstairs? The Slytherin dorm's down in the dungeons.
(a/n: in this story Draco and Pansy r cousins.)
Pretty sure they were, anyway. The Suethor probably included this to keep them from being a couple, but part of the reason purebloods are purebloods is that they intermarry to keep bloodlines, well, pure. Please see the Hapsburg Jaw for why this is a bad idea. Plus, from what I can tell relationships between cousins aren't quite as looked down upon in the UK (feel free to correct me if this is untrue), much less magical society there in the books. Being cousins ain't gonna stop 'em, is my point here.
Eternity got to go to the front of the line to talk to Draco.
There's a line to talk to Malfoy? What is he, Santa Claus?
She plunged her booted feet onto the stone floor and did so until she was at the front of the line.
So...she stomped her feet repeatedly in a temper tantrum until the tiny little first years were cowed into letting her be at the front is what I'm getting from this. Eternity's a real brat.
The other girl talking to Draco was had (grammar fail) long ebony locks with blue streaks in them.
I think we know by now that no main character in this story has anything but long black hair with dyed streaks. No blondes, redheads, brunettes, or people with hair that doesn't at least reach their ass allowed in Club Goff.
She wore lots of white foundation and black eyeliner.
Add a shit-ton of rouge to that and she'll look like Queen Bess I near the end of her reign.
She looked just like the girl in Linkin Park's video for Crawling.
Couldn't you describe that girl instead of just assuming we've seen that video? I have no idea what that girl looks like.
(a/n: Eternity looks more like Amy Lee.)
"What's your name?" Eternity asked.
"I'm Pansy Parkinson. Well, that's what my motherfucking parents called me. Call me Sea." she replied.
...dammit, Suethor. While Slytherin has a lot of negative attributes, one of its positive ones was loyalty to family. That's why no Slytherins stayed behind at the Battle for Hogwarts. It wasn't lack of loyalty to Hogwarts or lack of bravery; they didn't want to fight their parents and siblings. Lucius Malfoy's one redeeming trait was that he honestly, genuinely loved his wife and son (suck it, abusive!Lucius writers).
TL;DR: Pansy wouldn't talk this way about her parents.
Also, why did you change her name? And personality? And everything else? If you're not going to pay attention to canon and just write your own thing, FictionPress is right there.
"And I'm Eternity." said Eternity.
"And I'm redundant," said Redundancy.
Draco just smiled shyly at Eternity through his silvery-blue eyes and black hair.
Malfoy is blond. BLOOOOOOND! He has some of the blondest hair I've ever seen not on an albino! Yes, he possesses your most hated of hair colors! DEAL. And his eyes are grey. And he's not shy. If he liked a girl, he'd go up and be a cocky little brat about it. KNOW THE GUY YOU'RE FANTASIZING ABOUT.
They walked upstairs to the dorms. Eternity couldn't help noticing that the castle looked a lot like the one in Dracula.
Which version? There are eight bajillion versions of Dracula and therefore Dracula's castle.
And Hogwarts doesn't look like that. In both the books and movies it's about as cheery looking as an old haunted castle can be.
As she, Draco, Sea and the first-years went up the staircases, a lot of preps from other houses stared at them looking scared.
Alright, I need to get this out.
Slytherin is not the goth house. It is not the house of the people who are different. It is not the house of outcasts. If anything, that's Hufflepuff. If they don't fit in anywhere else, Hufflepuff takes them in. That's the whole point of Hufflepuff. (Suethors: Ooh, but Hufflepuff's not cool enough! Me: Not cool enough, my ass... *is a proud Puff*)
Slytherin (in generalization, I know there are probably lots of exceptions) is the house of the wealthiest, snobbiest people in the wizarding community. These are the people who can trace nothing but magical ancestry all the way back to the days of the cavemen. It is the house of the wizarding aristocracy. They would not be goths because goth is a Muggle thing.
The kids in Slytherin are the kids of the elite. They can afford the best brooms, the best magical equipment, the best robes.
In other words, by her definition of prep: SLYTHERIN IS PREP CENTRAL.
OK, now that that's out of my system, why do all the preps care? Most of the preppy kids that I knew could care less how other people dressed. Some of them were friends with some of the goths. Yeah, I know, different people getting along, what a revolutionary concept...
And how can she tell who's a prep and who's not? They should all be in their uniforms. Is she just looking at blonds and assuming that they're all preps?
A girl with brown hair and brown eyes kept staring at them. She was talking (probably about cheerleading or some shit like that) with a girl with long blonde hair.
Ooh, blonde! She must be a prep! And who says they're talking about cheerleading? Way to judge people just by looking at them. And even if they were talking about cheerleading (do they even have that in the UK; sorry for all of the questions, my brothers and sisters across the pond, I don't want to screw up), what's so wrong with that? From ages 7-13 I was a cheerleader! It's a good way to keep in shape and make friends. (And looking at my flabby body now, I should have kept it up.)
Eternity stuck her middle finger up at the girls. The girls gasped, their eyes got big, and they turned around.
...Eternity's such a bitch. She didn't even think the girls were talking about her and she still flipped them off simply for being different than herself. Hey, Eternity. Just because someone's a prep doesn't give you the right to be rude to them any more than someone being a goth doesn't give anyone the right to be rude to them.
I don't think anyone picked on her for being a goth. They probably hated her for being so bitchy to everyone else. The reason there were supposedly no other goths at her school was because all of the actual goths changed how they dressed for school so they wouldn't be associated with this horrible person.
"Who the hell were they?" Eternity asked Draco.
Eternity: How dare anyone with blonde hair enter my holy presence!
"Hermione Granger. The girl next to her was Luna Lovegood." said Draco.
"They're such goddamn bitches." said Sea.
"And the biggest fucking preps ever." added Draco.
Wut.
WHAT?
WHAT?!
Hermione and Luna?! What are you smoking, Suethor?!
And where can I get some?
Seriously, IF Hermione and Luna were any sort of high school stereotype, Hermione is very clearly a nerd and Luna is a...Luna!
And bitches? Really?! While Hermione could be a little snobbish in the earlier books, she did grow out of it and Luna was always a bucket of sunshine and cheer! How did Luna ever get labeled as a prep or a bitch?! Just because she's blonde?!
^What he said!
Eternity couldn't help but agree.
You don't even know them, you BITCH!
They stopped at a portrait. It was of a girl with pale skin, long black hair, and black nails. She was the splitting image of the lead singer of Sisters of Mercy.
No idea who they are. And the Slytherin door is a gargoyle. And even if it were a painting, it would be of someone from centuries past, not a modern goth.
"What the fuck? Why aren't we at the door?" asked Eternity.
For all you know, they're doing a tour of the castle and it's contents. Calm your tits.
"Password?" asked the girl.
"Bleeding kisses." Draco said to the girl.
Gag me.
"Correct." said the girl and the portrait swung back to reveal a hole.
Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
...Oh, how I wish. Bilbo'd set this Sue straight, knowing how many he's probably had to swat off Frodo.
The first years, Draco and Sea stepped inside. Eternity did too.
Isn't Eternity a first year as well?
Suddenly, she was face-to-face with Gerard Way.
...the fuck?
"Oh my fucking god! I so fucking love your band!" she screamed.
"Huh?" asked Gerard.
"Hold on, hold on. That's not Gerard." Elvira laughed.
She didn't say she thought this person was Gerard. She just said she loved his band. What made you jump to that conclusion? Does he get this a lot?
And which Gerard? There's more than one singing Gerard out there. I say he looks like Gerard Butler. Not even PotO Gerard, Ugly Truth Gerard.
"That's Satan. Everybody says he looks like Gerard." said Shadow.
Who names their kid Satan? Honestly? I'm going to pretend he's Satan from South Park. It'll make this funnier.
"Not that that's a bad thing!" said Darren.
How does Darren know who Gerard is or what he looks like?! Why would he care! He should be in Vampire Mountain preparing for war against the vampaneze! Crepsley's gonna kick his ass when he finds out he's been goofing around with a bunch of wannabes instead of defending the clan!
...only like two of you have a clue what I'm ranting incoherently about.
"Dude, I love MCR." said Satan laughingly.
Judging by that "dude" (yeah, now I'm being judgemental, I'm a hypocrite) you sound like you should love the Beach Boys!
What? What do you mean I have to keep reading this dredge instead of jamming to the Beach Boys?! Dammit...
Eternity smiled and they shook their pallid hands. Satan had long black hair up to his chin, just like Gerard.
I wonder what Saddam thinks of his new haircut...
No, I'm not letting the South Park thing go.
His eyes were pale blue and misty, like tears Eternity cried every night.
*plays tiny violin*
He wore black eyeliner and black nail polish.
"Do you happen to like Slipknot or Sisters of Mercy?" asked Eternity in a flirty voice.
"They kick ass!" agreed Satan. He and Eternity immediately began talking.
The night went on really well. Eternity and her new friends talked about bands like Slipknot, MCR, Evanescence, GC, Marilyn Manson, Sisters of Mercy, Bauhaus, Dead Can Dance, Christian Death, Joy Division, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Clan of Xymox, Fields of the Nephilim, Southern Death Cult, 45 Grave, X-mal Deutschland, Garden of Delight.
Raven: Look at all the goth bands I had people on the internet name for me out f pity can name! See how gothic Eternity is?! SEE?!
They all agreed that they rocked and they all hated shitty pop bands like BSB and Play.
And not one person had a differing opinion at all! Or named any wizarding bands.
Again, why do Malfoy, Pansy, or even Darren know about any of these bands?
And I like the Backstreet Boys. They're cheesy fun, like Batman and Robin. Watcha gonna do 'bout it?
They used razors to slit their wrists when they felt depressed. The crimson regret flowed out on their pale white skin.
...that's not healthy. You shouldn't be romanticizing it, Suethor.
Not to mention, Malfoy, Pansy, and Darren are not wrist-cutters. At all. Malfoy and Pansy are satisfied with their lives, although Malfoy wants to be a Death Eater, and if Darren ever felt depressed he'd go ask Mr. Crepsley or Harkat to help him.
They gave each other makeovers with black eyeliner, white foundation and lipstick and they read Dracula and Point Horror books out loud to each other with all the lights turned out and only flashlights.
Slumber party!
For all the prep-bashing, this is the preppiest thing that happens in this story.
Eternity felt overjoyed. Just a week ago she had been the only person in her school
I thought you ran away when you were fourteen. What were you doing at school a week ago?
who had dyed black hair and black eyeliner instead of lip gloss and blonde hair,
I doubt that. And really? You were the only non-blonde at school? Where were you, Aryan High?
And most women wear black eyeliner to enhance their lashes. And what's so evil about lip gloss? How is it that I, someone who almost never wears makeup, am explaining it to someone who I assume does?
liked Slipknot or Linkin Park or MCR rather than Hilary Duff or Destiny's Child,
Again, doubt that. Those are actually fairly mainstream bands and tons of high school kids in my day liked them. Then again I was in high school at the height of the emo craze.
slit her wrists, thought about suicide,
Sadly, you were not the only one. A lot of high schoolers do have thoughts like that and cut themselves, but most don't advertise it, instead trying to hide it as best they can. Even I sometimes have suicidal thoughts and when I calm down, I'm horrified that I did. It's not romantic. It's a serious issue. Stop glamorizing it. Stop using it as a device to make you seem more "special." It doesn't make you special, it makes you someone in need of help. Suethor, if you really do cut yourself, please get help. This is me being serious here. I doubt you're reading this, but if you are there are people out there who will listen to you, believe you, and help you. They helped me.
shopped at Hot Topic instead of Limited Too,
How did the Hot Topic in your area stay in business if you were the only customer? *thinks about sheer amount of goff clothes Sue likely has* Never mind. You probably bought enough stuff to keep the place running for years even after you moved to Hogwarts.
swore,
Ha. HA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You were the only person in your entire high school who swore?! High schoolers swear like sailors! Middle schoolers swear like sailors! I knew every swear in the book by the time I was nine! Then again, I grew up in a military family around a bunch of soldiers, so...
liked rock
Again, really? Rock's fairly popular. Back when this was written, there were still a ton of rock songs on the pop stations. No one there even liked Nickleback?
or was depressed.
I already talked about this. A sad amount of teenagers are depressed, they just try to hide it.
Now there were so many wonderful people just like her. She was ecstatic.
Eternity: And if they were not exactly like me, I would swear them into next week and flip them off every time I saw them! Anyone different than me is a prep who deserves nothing but my disgust! Anyone who has a different opinion or taste in styles should be shot!
Just two more chapters...just two more...
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 21, 2012 17:18:44 GMT -8
The penultimate chapter! Just this and the next one, and this sucker's over with!
Chapter Four: Bring me to Life
Spoilers: This chapter does not give any life to the story at all.
Eternity woke up the next morning. She brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and then went to her closet.
Riveting. And what closet? I don't think the students at Hogwarts got their own closets. Probably just a set of drawers to put their stuff in.
She put on a long black dress that was all ripped and torn, with pink stuff underneath (kind of like the one Amy Lee wore to the Grammies) and then put on big black combat boots.
And then she walked to class, where McGonagall marched her ass back upstairs pronto to change into her uniform.
And why does she think that we watch everything every one of her favorite singers have done? I don't know what Amy Lee wore to the Grammies. Which Grammies? What was the "pink stuff" underneath? Dammit, I wouldn't be wondering all of this if she had just worn her Hogwarts uniform like she should be!
Shadow, Elvira and Sea all got up and
...and?
"You are so lucky, bitch." moaned Shadow while she put on her own clothes (a long black dress with a corset at the top, pointy high-heeled boots, and fishnets).
You just met each other yesterday! You shouldn't already be using insults as terms of endearment!
And if you're going to not wear your uniforms, at least know that corsets are to be worn under the clothing. *sticks nose in air*
Why do we even need to know every single thing that these people are wearing? What purpose does it serve? Sometimes clothing descriptions can enhance the plot or atmosphere, but these descriptions are doing neither.
And let me guess why Eternity's lucky...
"You have such a great body." added Sea, putting on a ripped black dress with no sleeves that looked exactly like the one the lead singer of her favorite goth band had worn to the MTV awards that year.
Of course our Sue's got a great bod.
And what the hell's Pansy's favorite goth band? What year of MTV awards? Why are we supposed to just know these things? Why would Pansy Parkinson ever follow Muggle styles, bands, shows, anything?!
(Elvira put on a long black velvet dress with crimson lace.)
Information totally necessary for the plot.
How are they affording these dresses? Pansy probably could, although since they're Muggle style dresses she wouldn't ever buy them, but how are the others? If they're similar to ones worn by singers at awards shows, they gotta be pretty damn pricey.
Again, more proof that Eternity was a spoiled brat, not an abused loner.
Eternity laughed but secretly she knew what her friends meant.
They knew of her Sue nature and how it was disrupting canon and they were planning to kill her to set canon back to the way it should be.
They were all skinny, but not as much as her,
Because the skinnier you are, the prettier you are./sarcasm
Seriously, it doesn't matter how skinny or plump you are; you're beautiful when you're healthy.
Which means I'm ugly as sin...
and they all had size-B bras.
Because average B bras are not as good as larger sizes! *tentatively pokes one of own 36-Bs*
Judging women by their bra sizes? I feel like I'm reading Rose Potter all over again...
She sadly put her hair up in a messy half-bun
Why sadly? Your friends just complimented you.
(kind of like Amy Lee has in the video for 'Going Under'.)
Eternity: Because I cannot come up with my own sense of style and so can only copy others!
put on tons of eyeliner and black lipstick, and went downstairs with her friends.
Unfortunately, the weight of all of those tons of make-up was too much for the old floors of Hogwarts and she fell face-first all the way to the center of the earth. She was then adopted by mole people.
At the breakfast table, she ate Count Chocula cereal
The gothiest of all foods!
Would the house elves even have that? I thought they hand made everything.
and drank red wine even though it was only breakfast.
It's 5 o'clock somewhere!
Why is there red wine? Even by UK and I'm assuming wizard standards you're underage!
Oh, but it makes you look classy...
Darren had made a request for human blood,
What? Why? I'm pretty sure Hogwarts wouldn't drain some poor sap to feed one guy, nor would Darren want them to! If he needed blood, he would just sneak over to someone while they were sleeping and use a syringe to get what he needed without bothering or hurting the guy.
so he drank that and let his friends try some.
He would not! He's always been nervous about his condition around other people and he would try to prevent others from being like him! He wouldn't let them try it!
Besides, he's a half-vampire so he's immune to most diseases. They drink that stuff, they could get really sick.
But hey, whatever kills Eternity quicker.
(Eternity loved it.)
Of fucking course. As anyone who's ever slapped their mouth on a papercut knows, blood don't taste that good. It tastes like sucking on pennies.
They all clinked their glasses.
"To depression." said Eternity.
Depression is not a good thing. Stop romanticizing it and don't toast it!
"To darkness." said Satan.
And to one day escape it and be up there...
"To vampires." said Sea.
I don't think a little wizard supremacist like Pansy would be a big fan of vampires.
"To heavy metal music." said Shadow.
Oh, name one heavy metal band you listed! I bet you don't even know who Black Sabbath is! I'm not even a metalhead and I know these things!
"To Eternity." said Draco.
*vomits*
Everyone started giggling, except for Draco.
*gasp* Giggling! They must be preps!
Eternity's pale complexion turned red.
Everyone went off to their classes. Eternity hated all of the classes, even though she was good at them.
Eternity: I'm so dark! Whining makes me dark!
And how do you know you're good at them? It's only day one. The classes are just mostly intro speeches. Are you just that good of a listener? Or are the professors mistaking your slackjawed, blank expression for paying attention?
In Transfiguration class, Eternity had to sit next to a bunch of giggling blonde girls.
And as we all know, anyone who is blonde is automatically evil incarnate and must be purged from the earth.
Twilight didn't have this much blonde hate! Batman doesn't hate criminals as much as this bitch hates blondes!
Their teacher, Professor McGonagall made a speech,
Which the Suethor didn't care enough about to elaborate on. It would take time away from the Hot Topic porn.
and then made them practice transfiguration on a bunch of ants they would try to turn into pencils.
Why pencils? Wizards don't use pencils. They should be trying to turn them into quills, if anything.
Everyone was trying, but it didn't work for them.
Feh, no one can be good at anything while the Sue is around!
Suddenly, Eternity found herself pointing to the ant and saying a spell...
What spell? Why did she suddenly say it? Was it demonic possession? We're never told.
Suddenly, the ant turned into a gigantic black unicorn with huge black wings and flew out the window.
McGonagall: Not again. I knew we shouldn't have stored those unicorn-ants next to the regular ones. Hagrid! We got another one! Catch it and shove it with the others!
Really? A winged unicorn? How the fuck did Eternity do that?! And let me guess, she's going to angst about being so good at everything.
Everyone in the room gasped.
Class: A SUE! Somebody get a spork!
Later, Professor McGonagall had a talk with Eternity.
McGonagall: We don't take kindly to Sues 'round these here parts.
"Eternity, you are being moved up to your fifth year." she said.
WHAT?! One showy accidental transfiguration equals five years of study, reading, and practice?!
I knew it! She was only in first year so that she could get the boat ride and be sorted. That was it! The only reason! I knew it!
Chapter Four down! Just one more chapter to go...
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 21, 2012 19:16:18 GMT -8
BRING IT.
Chapter Five: In the Shadows
a/n: TARA IS DA BIGGEST FUCKING BITCH EVER AND BY THE WAY I'M A BIGGER MCR FAN AND GERARD IS MINE 4EVA SO FUCK U! AND I'M NOT GIVING U UR SWEATER BACK!
You might remember from My Immortal that Tara and Raven, or rather Ebony and Willow, had a bit of a falling out. It carried over into this story as well.
Eternity was so happy. She went to class with the other fifth-years, Sea, Draco, Shadow, Darren and Satan. That fucking retard Elvira (whose real name was Lindsay like that fucking ho Lindsay Loan)
Hoo boy. First things first, way to use the word "retard" derogatorily, you bitch. Second, that's my IRL name. It's spelled differently, but still. Why is having the name "Lindsay" or any of its permutations a bad thing?
And I ain't a fan of the most famous Lindsay either, but come on, what gives you the right to call her a ho? Who are you, Zoey Redbird?
had gone all the way back to first-year and they put her in Gryffindor where all the retarded preps were because she couldn't even write properly and she had to get her friends 2 do it for her.
A. How did Elvira make it to fifth year in the first place?
B. I already said how if any house was the prep house it would be Slytherin. If you must use high school stereotypes, Gryffindor would be the jocks.
C. Again. Using "retard" in a derogatory manner. Stop it.
D. Couldn't write properly and had to get her friends to do it for her?
....
OK, I'll give you that one. The only chapters in My Immortal that are halfway legible are the one's that Tara had Raven proofread.
Anyway, Eternity woke up from her dark slumber and got ready for the coming day, which she hated so much.
BAAAW.
She put on a black leather minidress with black fishnets and black pointy boots.
You know, she never says specifically that the fishnets she wears are stockings. I say that she throws one over her head everyday to look like a beached mermaid.
Then she put on some mascara, white foundation, black lipstick, and eyeliner. Allt the gothic bois starred at her, their piercing blue eyes getting wide.
Are they all played by Cillian Murphy? Why do nearly all of the goths in this thing have blue eyes? Are people with different eye colors not allowed to be goths or do they have to wear colored contacts to be goth? Seriously, this has been bugging me.
And why did your spelling get wonky all of a sudden?
All the preps did too but for a different reason.
She had the biggest chunk of spinach ever stuck in her teeth.
She put up your middle finger at them.
Hey! It's bad enough she's a bitch to people with her own phalanges! Why does she have to use my fingers, now?!
Then anyway she put on sum MCR music.
Even though electricity shouldn't work at Hogwarts...
She plunged her black feet
Black feet? Does she have frostbite all of a sudden?
into the stone cold ground
The ground's cold, so maybe.
and walked to Transfiguration.
"Hello everyone." said Proffesor McGonagal staring at them out of her giant eyes.
McGonagall's eyes judge your sooooooul!
"You will all be doing something different this time.
McGonagall: Ever since I saw Princess Tutu, I've always wanted to be a ballet teacher! Now take a place at the bar, everyone!
You will all have partners."
GEE. I WONDER WHO ETERNITY WILL BE PAIRED UP WITH?
She made everyone find a partner. Eternity's partner was....
Stop with the ellipses! We already know who it is!
Draco!
DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN!
And that was I'm Not Okay. It sucked, and scarily I don't think this was a trollfic.
She wrote another Suefic, featuring a Sueified Hermione. It's much shorter, but no less lulzy. Anyone want me to spork that one too?
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Post by annoyed on Oct 23, 2012 7:42:54 GMT -8
Yes, please
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Post by Ozymandias II on Oct 23, 2012 20:00:36 GMT -8
Alright! But remember, you asked for it.Ghost of You Disclaimer: Um okay I don't own this lolz. Thank the Lord.Coauthored with xxxbloodyrists666xxx. Tara Gilesbie helped write this thing. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.a/n: the other story got a bit boring (no shit) so here goes and if you're one of the fuckers who flamed Tara's story u can go 2 hell, cause she helped with this. Helping create this fic should earn a whole 'nother round of flames.I don't give a fuck when HP takes place. Aren't you such a dedicated fan?This takes place NOW, and it's MY story, Although it uses JK Rowlings, admittedly bastardized in this fic, characters and setting.so they can have iPods and NORMAL clothes It doesn't matter when the story takes place; electricity does not work around a lot of magic. And normal clothes? HA.
Sorry to any actual goths out there, but I doubt you guys would ever wear the things she describes in here.and shit if I want them 2. So tempting to make an inappropriate joke...So if you're against goths or a prep or something then do everyone a favor and fuck off. Make me.
Not against goths, but sweetie you're a poser if I ever saw one. Ever hear the phrase "trying too hard?"
Here it comes, people. Prepare for canon rape in 3...2...1...Hermione Granger checked her black lipstick in her black makeup mirror as she trudged her way to the Hogwarts express. Yes everyone, we got a goffed up Hermione in this bad boy!Last year, she would have probably seen a freak with a bushy mass of hair and brown eyes. ...
Oh no you di'int.
I happen to LIKE Hermione's bushy hair, thanks! So what if she doesn't give two fucks about her appearance most of the time?! It's cute! And what's wrong with brown eyes?! Most of the people in the world have brown eyes! You just insulted to majority of the human population!But after the events of the summer, she certainly didn't. Lemme guess. You're going to make up a tragic past for Hermione to explain her gofficness, because nobody can be goth just because they like it.
You know, Suethor, the majority of goths are so because they have fun being goths and they like the music and fashions, not because they had "dark pasts."Hermione had changed over the summer. She had changed into Captain Marvel. SHAZAM!Her parents revealed to her during their summer vacation in America Where in America? It's a big place. Did they road tour the whole place or something?that they were not in fact her parents at all, OK. Even if they weren't blood related, they'd still be her parents! They raised her, loved her, and supported her. They're her parents.rather, bot her parents were wizards- ...I fucking hate pureblood!Hermione fics. One of Hermione's biggest traits is that she's Muggleborn. She's there to prove that lineage doesn't matter when it comes to magic, only determination and a willingness to learn! Her existence is meant to be a "fuck you" to the Death Eaters and other wizard supremacists!
Why make her pureblood?! It doesn't make her a better witch! Did the Suethor not pay attention to one of the biggest fucking messages in the books and movies?!
Who am I kidding. She was probably too busy drooling over Draco.and she had been adopted by the Grangers- the Grangers, who had spat on her, abused her, neglected her for so long (Note: and yes this is possible because it is never implied that it's NOT true.) WHAT.
It is VERY implied, fuck that, it is made ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that Hermione loves her parents very much and that they love her just as much in return! She's always looking for neat magical trinkets that she thinks they'll like (like flossing candy, for instance, which is really sweet of her considering that they're dentists) and they're shown to be concerned for her like how they don't want her to magic her buckteeth smaller because they're afraid of the possible consequences. That's why she went so far to protect them before going to search for the Deathly Hallows! She cared more for their safety than she did for her own need for their support!
So no. It's not possible. At all. And the "well they never say it didn't therefore it did" argument is one of the weakest arguments ever invented. TRY HARDER.The nights Hermione had spent suffering in her room, whishing it would all stop... I don't know what "whishing" is, but don't worry Hermione. It will stop. There's only one chapter to this crock of shit.They refused to reveal to Hermione who her parents were and why she had been abandoned. AKA: the Suethor was too lazy to think of either. And why would they tell her she was adopted and then refuse to tell her anything else?! That's just stupid!In her rage, Hermione- or Maya, as she was now called- Why the fuck would Hermione call herself "Maya?" She's a bookworm, so she might like the Mayan civilization, but why would she rename herself? Why do Raven and Tara rename everyone and then fuck canon over? If they want to write original fic, why don't they go to FictionPress? Why do they have to fuck up Harry Potter?!had murdered them, using magic. Oh for the love of, NO. She would not. How did you miss all of the "killing is wrong" messages in the series?! And how did the Ministry not track her down and lock her for life in Azkaban?! Make sense!This was unknown to the Ministry. HOW?! Hermione's smart, but I don't think she could pull that off!Hermione (forget your stupid name change already?) spent the rest of the summer in Tokyo and Cho's apartment How did she get from the US to Tokyo? Pretty sure Cho's of Chinese descent, not Japanese, and she lives in the UK! Why the fuck's she in Tokyo?! Why does Cho have her own apartment?! She's just a teenager!with her and Ginny. She had grown very close to both of them. At least it's not another Ginny basher. Still, what the fuck is Ginny doing in Tokyo with Cho?! Did they even know each other in the series?!Now as she embarked on the train to her sixth year, Maya swished her nearly waist-length, newly dyed raven locks Because any hair color other than black does not meet the Suethor's goff standards.
And why did she swish her hair? Is she filming a shampoo commercial to pay for her goffed out wardrobe?and blinked her emerald- with the use of magic- eyes as she stepped into a seat on the Hogwarts Express. Again, what's wrong with brown eyes?! My eyes are green and I'm still offended! Why did she change them?!
And how the hell do you step into a seat? How strong do your legs gotta be?She wore a black leather bustier, a blue plaid mini trimmed with black lace, ripped black fishnets and black lace-up platform boots. And that all cost how much money? Your dead parents' credit cards will only last so long 'til someone smells a rat.On her face was lots and lots of black eyeliner, blood-red lipstick, The first fucking sentence said it was black lipstick! If you're going to rape canon, at least be consistent!and matching eyeshadow. Her skin was pale white from lack of sunlight, OK, I'll believe that last one. We nerds tend not to get out much.and she was slender, but with curves in all the right places. *smacks forehead* Twice. Twice in as many fics you've done this! At least get a thesaurus!She took out her iPod (GRR) and put on an Evanescence song at full volume. Real nice. I'm sure nobody else doesn't want to hear it. It's not like they're doing their own things.Some preps stared at her. Preps here being a word meaning, "people who think headphones were invented to prevent this sort of thing.""Oh my god, what are you, like, listening to?" gasped Luna, LUNA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOODNIGHT!
Dammit, Luna's my favorite character! Why is she being treated like this?!who was sitting on another seat with a bunch of giggly blonde preps Suethor: Did I forget to say that all people who have blonde hair and/or giggle are the lowest of the low? Because if I did HERE'S ANOTHER REMINDER.wearing a pink mini, a slutty pink halter top and Gucci shoes. All of which Luna would totally wear and Mr. Lovegood would totally be able/willing to get her!
Seriously, what the fuck?! Why is Luna characterized this way?! Is it because she's a blonde? Well guess what, Suethor:
SO IS DRACO.
And considering what "Maya's" wearing, I don't think she can call anyone "slutty." Why the hell are you slut-shaming, anyway!She looked exactly like Hilary Duff. No she doesn't! And what is your deal with Hilary Duff, anyway? Did she burn your MCR concert tickets?Some preps next to her giggled. Maya stuck up her white-skinned middle finger at them. They gasped. Well no duh! All Luna did was ask a question and you flipped her off! Maybe she actually liked the music and wanted to know what it was!Hermione NO. This is NOT Hermione! You just keep on calling her that stupid Sue name so I can forget who it's supposed to be!went back to listening to her iPod. She changed the song to a My Chemical Romance one and tried to drown out the prep's voices by listening to Gerard's incredible, sexy voice and thinking about him. If you have the hots for the guy's voice that's your thing, but I wouldn't say he's an incredible singer. It's not like he's Andrea Bocelli. I mean, I like AC/DC and think Bon Scott and Brian Johnson's voices are cool and they fit, but I wouldn't say they're incredible singers in and of themselves.Suddenly, someone tapped her on the shoulder. Someone entered the Sue's holy presence! You know what that means!"Fuck!" she screamed. Yup! Time to bitch at whoever dared to try and find an empty seat!She looked behind her. Virginia (there's u Tara luvya gurl lolz!) It's actually Ginevra and...
Did you...?!
Did you just replace Ginny with freaking TARA?!and Cho, whose nickname is Dementia after her middle name, (Filly u rock bitch, MCR rock 666!1) Tezcatlipoca's testicles, I don't even know where to start...
OK. I highly doubt Cho's middle name is Dementia. This Suethor and Tara both seem to think it's a common name. It's NOT. And you replaced Cho with another one of your friends.
Everyone's been replaced! Hermione's become a stand-in for the Suethor, Ginny's Tara, and Cho's their other friend! It's the invasion of the Pod Sues! Run for your canon!were standing next to her, looking excited. Ginny was wearing a sexy black corset dress with red lacing, pink fishnets and black high-heeled boots. The Weasleys could not afford that, nor would Molly ever let her out in public like that.She was wearing black lipstick and eyeliner and her hair was dyed blood-red, Why? She's already a natural redhead!with black tips. Dementia had new purple streaks in long, silky ebony hair and was wearing a torn MCR t-shirt, a ripped black and red plaid mini, safety pin earrings and black combat boots with heels. Why would combat boots have heels? I'm not even gonna start on why safety pins don't go into human flesh, ever."Well, that's nice." said Dementia. Sue!Cho has a point."Oh, sorry. Sit down, my bitches." Maya said jokingly. I'm not even gonna say a damn thing.Her friends trooped in and sat next to her. Maya noticed now who she was sitting behind- Fucking guess.Draco Malfoy. No shit, Sherlock.As he heard her voice, he looked around coyly for a split-second and then looked back. Why would he look to see her call her friends "bitches?" I don't think he'd care.
And he is NOT coy. He's a smug little fuck.His hair was dyed black and slicked back (a/n: kinda like Tom Felton in the first movie). Draco is the BLONDIEST BLOND THAT EVER BLONDED HIS WAY AROUND BLONDSTREET! Deal with it!His eyes were icy blue and suggested inner depths of darkness. No, his eyes are grey and suggest fathomless depths of snobbery the likes of which have seldom been seen outside of a country club.Maya and the girls high-fived and chatted for a while. After some time, Ginny asked, "So have you seen the guys?" "You mean Harry and Ron? No." said Maya. "Well, you better find them soon because they're gonna be lovin' your new look." said Dementia. Gossiping happily. That means they must be PREEEEEPS!
And as soon as they take one look at those three, Harry and Ron are going to head straight to Dumbledore to see if he can perform an exorcism.Just then, the train stopped. Rides to Hogwarts are not that short!The girls got out, grinning, freaking out preps. Considering their attitudes towards preps, I don't blame 'em. They probably torture poor preps in their spare time.Maya didn't see Harry or Ron, who saw a Sue fic coming and wisely skipped town,but she just might have seen a boy in leather pants, a leather jacket, black hair and blue eyes smile at her. Wonder who that could be. Couldn't be Draco as he matches none of those descriptions.
And that was Ghost of You, completing the entire xxxbloodytearz666xxx oeuvre. It wasn't nearly as lulzy or fun as Tara's work, likely because I have the sad, horrifying suspicion that these stories might have been meant in all seriousness.
Hope you enjoyed and if you have any comments on my sporking style, please share them. Sporking is an art and I want to get better at it.
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Post by annoyed on Oct 25, 2012 5:38:37 GMT -8
I'm not even a big Harry Potter fan and I found the canon rape there offensive
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makoeyes
Member
I AM LUCIFER GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD AND I WANT YOUR SOUL!
Posts: 896
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Post by makoeyes on Mar 28, 2013 20:41:59 GMT -8
Why do fangirls always want to hook up with Draco? Is it because they think the actor who played him is hot? Likely. To be fair, his actor is fairly cute and from what I've seen seems like a genuinely sweet guy. But Malfoy and his actor are not the same person and they can't seem to tell that. That and Malfoy's a "bad boy" who just needs their twu wuv to get all better. Gag me.
You have awesome sporking skills! I was laughing my ass off and I loved all the historical references you sprinkled throughout. Now every time I see someone say "ur" I'm going to start talking about Enlil or Inanna or something Sumerian. |
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