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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 10, 2013 15:45:34 GMT -8
This is my first attempt at snarking this badfic. I will also have a snarking buddy in the next chapter.
Chapter 1: Genesis
Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! (I personally don't like Twilight.) I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. (I don't think he's attractive.) ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc (From what I know so far, she's not.) so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo
I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at deleated it but I am glad the Jew and the Bird are gone and aint flaming me anymore (What a anti-Semitic suethor...)
I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God (Are you implying that Edward is a god?) because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars) becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat (All you care about is looks.) so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now.
I giglied when he lookd at mwah (Seriously? I don't think you spelt 'me' right.) and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly. I flacked my long brown hare (Your hair is a rabbit?) hoppping to git his atention. I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt (Stop with the costume porn.) becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway. (Mary is not a whore.)
Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah (If he looks away from you, it means he doesn't like you.) so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave). (The Lord also teaches us to use the correct tense when we write fanfics.)
I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (This shows how much of a Mary Sue you really are.) (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!) (You know you're a good author when you literally have to put a sign that says 'FORESHADOWING')
He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice. (The correct spelling is brooding. Learn how to spell, suethor.)
"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk? (Even the badfic itself wants to know why you are on his desk.)
So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him. (I don't believe that you truly love him.)
He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. He looks at me and turns away agin. (It's official. She's a transvestite.)
So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! (I'm laughing hysterically.) GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3
This fanfic is atrocious. But, there will be more lulz this time around.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 10, 2013 18:39:35 GMT -8
Back for another chapter? Oh, yes, please. More lulz continues and the introduction of my snarking buddy, Prince Chrom from Fire Emblem: Awakening.
Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev (Chrom: Gods, I can't believe she can't even spell the simplest of words, let alone the easiest names.) (Yes, she's an idiot for not spelling properly.)
Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? (Chrom: For a supposed Christian girl, I'm surprised that she doesn't follow the Bible's teachings at all.) (Yeah. This shows she's not really Christian at all.) AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch (Chrom: How rude.) (Indeed.) - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. (Chrom: Not all people like your story.) (You know, Erin, you really need to get a reality-check.) Anyway Edward is much 3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter (Chrom: Isn't it supposed to be spelt 'character?') (Yes, only she doesn't know it.) is named Joan in this not erin :3
Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse (Chrom: What's a clarse?) (I have no idea.) and he nevur looked at me agen. I was abit sad but I new that God (Chrom: I get the feeling that you would treat your God as your slave.) (It doesn't work that way, Erin. He won't give you what you want.) wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug. (Chrom: You don't have to pray loud enough for God to answer you.) (I think that God wouldn't like you with a vampire.)
It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). (Chrom: Reading the Bible does not make you a Christian.) (It's what you do in the Bible that makes you a Christian.) I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were (Chrom: You can't wound a vampire.) (I think she meant 'wonder', Chrom.)
I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me (Chrom: He doesn't like you.) (She doesn't understand that she is potentially going to get killed.) because I am hot and a Crhistian. So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. "Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning." I say and they all star at me. (Chrom: Are they throwing stars at her?) (No, it was supposed to be spelt 'stared.')
They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours (Chrom: I thought the Cullens wore expensive brands.) (This proves she's an idiot for not researching the whole book.) but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt (Chrom: How does she know them? Is she psychic?) (She's a Mary Sue. She automatically knows who they are upon meeting them.) and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn't agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) (Chrom: And you just admitted that they're hot.) (I thought you loved Edward, Erin.) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,333,##!) (Chrom: What's with the random symbols?) (Her way of telling us that her so-called object of affection is hot.)
"Why are you sitting here?" Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl. (Chrom: I'll have to try that the next time I see a bear.) (No, Erin. You don't smile at him like it's okay. He's telling you to stay away from him.)
"Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload" I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey. (Chrom: And you just had to introduce yourself in a terrible way.) (Agreed. Why else would she flirt with him when we know that he's a vampire.)
"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp (Chrom: Oh, great. You actually had me worrying about your sister instead of you.) (She's a master at making us feel sorry about a person that is mentioned one time.)
"C'mon, lets go." He said to his family and they all left. I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. (Chrom: He probably got scared off from the way you stalked him.) (Or maybe it was the Christian propaganda.) It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.
Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking. (Chrom: Gods, he's being pulled in by her bewitching charms.) (Let's hope Edward decides to leave her.)
The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him. (Chrom: I have to admit. You say that you're a Christian, but I don't think you are.) (Good Christians don't swear, Erin.)
SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum. (Chrom: No, your story is despicable.) (I think that you need to take writing classes, Erin.) I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!1111 333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Stick around for more lulz. I'll be snarking frequently as I love to bash her fics.
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Post by arcanius on Nov 11, 2013 10:06:15 GMT -8
Tzeentch, the changer of ways approved of this.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 11, 2013 13:48:12 GMT -8
I'm glad you're pleased, Your Chaosness. We're back for the third chapter of this badfic. Which means Chromy will be back once again to snark with me.
Chapter 3: Collisions (Chrom: This is the first time that she spelt it right.) (At one glance, it would be right, except it's all wrong. It's supposed to be spelt 'Colossians' like the Book of Colossians.)
OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!11111 (Chrom: You don't rudely tell people to leave you alone.) (I think she's telling us that she doesn't take kindly to flamers.) No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk! (Chrom: We're not sinners for not liking your story.) (Besides, everyone's a sinner.) it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now. Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS. Also I'm uysing a new devida up the top of da page because FF doesn't like ~ or my luv hearts : ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (Chrom: You know, there's a feature where you can put a divider to divide a chapter.) (Honestly, Erin, I don't know why you neglected to use 's dividers.)
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Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar. (Chrom: Your grades are going to drop if you continue this nonsense.) (It's like she doesn't care about school in general.)
I waited for him after class, and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Chrom: Who names their child, 'Jenny Donna?') (Apparently, her parents were on drugs.) (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)
"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. (Chrom: Ugh... Chatspeak.) (Don't get me started on that one.) She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan. (Chrom: Funny. I don't see that Amy Lee looks like this Jenny person.) (Seriously, you're offending every fan of this band, Erin.)
"Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily. (Chrom: What a homophobic girl...) (I think she meant 'inquired.')
"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?" (Chrom: The way she spells 'him' is just as bad.) (And she spelt his last name wrong again.)
"Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically. (Chrom: This proves that the two girls are definitely lusting after Emmet and Edward.) (These girls are good "Christian" girls.)
"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me. He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told. (Chrom: I feel sorry for Edward being pelted with meat.) (Yet another common misspelling of 'meet.')
"O well he lives in the mountain I herd. He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side! (Chrom: Joan smelled her?) (I think it's supposed to be spelled 'smiled.')
He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows. (Chrom: I'm imagining some woodland animal that scrows like a wounded animal.) (Edward's a scrow. A cross between a crow and scowl.)
"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot. (Chrom: Wouldn't he just burn up instead?) (No. He just literally sparkles.)
"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away. I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park. (Chrom: I think I knew the difference between come and cum when I was little.) (Oh, Joan, you know you shouldn't do that in front of him. You haven't been dating him yet.)
He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1111 (Chrom: Does she get flattened? Please, gods, let her be flattened like a pancake.) (Unfortunately, she survives.)
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OH NO THATS NOT GOOD! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!1 Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3 (Chrom: I thought God loves everyone, not just hot people.) (I think she's delusional.)
And the hideously written chapter ends here. I'm starting to think this chapter was horrible and idiotic. Stay tuned for more bashing of this badfic.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 12, 2013 14:01:08 GMT -8
Fourth chapter is now underway. Chromy will appear again to snark this horrible chapter.
4 – Savoir (Chrom: Yet, another goddamn misspelling.) (It's spelt savior, Erin. Did you even turn on spell-check?)
A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me. (Chrom: You're the rude one here.) (And you're the evil sinner here, Erin.) In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU! n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her! DID I BAG HER NO! (Chrom: Really. That doesn't stop me from calling you Sue.) (And we all know that Amy Lee is Christian. Shut your mouth.) Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE. So anyway this is my 4th chapter. I am getting more excited wen i write this. I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (Chrom: Your reviews are probably retarded Twitards.) (And we're all sinners inside, so that makes you one.)
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Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve. (Chrom: What the hell does that even mean?) (It means a pale purple color. So, she's scared of a color?) Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head!!!! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn’t see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI! (Chrom: It's probably your vamp boy toy who wants to eat you.) (Or maybe it's Professor Snape.)
I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me but I couldn’t here her probably. The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse. I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn’t talk yet. (Chrom: She probably didn't her friend because she was too busy looking at her hot boy toy.) (It's the bus to apocalypse! Run for your lives!)
Then I saw something move from behind the bus. I couldn’t see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost! But he was gone befour I could get a good look. The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home. (Chrom: What? That's it? She didn't go to the hospital or anything?!) (I sense a big plot hole in this sentence.)
I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian. That night I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus. I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn’t think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn’t now. (Chrom: Joan, a father is a good thing for you. Don't be a bitch about it and treat your father with respect.) (I get the feeling she treats her father like shit and also, what the hell did I just read? Is she being blasphemous?)
I felt the bed sink beside me and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!!1 He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything. He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good. (Chrom: Gods, no. This is wrong! You let a vampire into your room?!) (Joan, this is not love. It's stalking. Now, please call the damn police!)
“whgat are you doing here?” I asked him confused and he giggled. (Chrom: Oh great. Edward here is giggling like a goddamn schoolgirl.) (It's confirmed. Edward is gay.)
“Too see you, obliviously.” (Chrom: She's sitting there while this vampire is beside her where he could easily kill her.) (And shouldn't the correct word be "obviously?")
I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right. We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy. (Chrom: Finally, Edward leaves her.) (And Edward doesn't want to be with you, Joan.)
I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3 (Chrom: The correct spelling should be "confused.") (And don't put emoticons in the story, Joan. This is why FF.net deleted your story.)
The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me. (Chrom: This proves you're just a religious nutcase.) (And Edward is not an angel. He's a demon.)
“I think it was Edward that saved me.” I told Jenny because I new he wouldn’t laugh. “Oh my god gurl, how?” She asked all excited. (Chrom: Jenny is a transvestite now?) (I think she is. You know, this reminds me of how Stephanie Meyer would confuse her character's genders.)
“I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it.” I told her because I was excited. “And then he came to my house last night.” (Chrom: Didn't this happen in the books and movies?) (What's with women these days to be attracted to bad men?)
Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us. (Chrom: Again, there is no transition to this story.) (You don't make sense, Joan.)
“What are you talking about?”
I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper. (Chrom: An angel from heathen? I wouldn't want to go there.) (And Jenny fights Edward because he's hot?)
“Um, nothing.” I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces (Chrom: Wonderful. Her shit is red.) (There's nothing to be embarrassed about if you have red poop.)
The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him. (Chrom: I don't want to hear what he's done to your soldier.) (Another redundant sentence. Honestly, why don't you use conjunctions, Erin?)
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:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox (Chrom: Well, here's my review. *tears up the badfic with the Falchion*) (You continuously attack stories, you liar.)
Well, that was a really short chapter. Stay tuned for Chapter 5 of this badfic.
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Post by arcanius on Nov 12, 2013 14:08:12 GMT -8
The snark continues well. Just as planned
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Post by Talys Alankil on Nov 13, 2013 5:27:09 GMT -8
Wow, you're snarking fast ^_^ Hello, and welcome, new soul I'm always glad to see new people getting to admire the Brewdening.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 13, 2013 13:56:24 GMT -8
Thanks. I always wanted to snark this badfic because it's so badly written. Anyway, time for Chapter 5 where the badfic just gets even more crappier. Chapter 5 - Confesson (Chrom: Like confessing to God?) (I got reminded of a scene in Twilight where Bella finds out that Edward's a vampire.)Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas. OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK? So be nice, which is better. (Chrom: The flamers had a point.) (And your readers are just dumbasses who think your story is the best.) think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE (Chrom: That analogy doesn't work.) (And not all neighbors are nice.)ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX. 5 ooo (Seeing the site dosn't lik my diverders, the first devider will be a Bible quote from now on that is relovant to the chappy! or this case the autha not :3) (Chrom: You're raping the Bible now? *facepalms*) (And we're treated to a lesson from a "Christian" herself.) Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds. (Chrom: Isn't it supposed to be woods?) (It was a forest of woulds, coulds, and shoulds.) It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care, which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live. (Chrom: I thought he owned a silver Volvo.) (Obviously, she didn't do the research.) We walked on and on and then we stoped. We were in the woords deep now and at the base of....................................a small motanny hill! (Chrom: Nice try. You fail at suspense.) (And you were in the words of this page?)"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing. (Chrom: Again, this proves you're not a Christian when you're clearly trying to seduce Edward.) (Your preference of the word "sexah" is disgusting.)"Joan I have somethong to tell you." he said and looked sad all of a sudan. I wanted to hug hymn better. (Chrom: Somethong? Is that your idea of a sex joke?) (I'm pretty sure Sudan is not that sad-looking.)"What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim. (Chrom: Good. We don't have to hear you trying to seduce Edward anymore.) (You have a friend named Tim?)"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret." He sed brewdingly. A small teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time. (Chrom: The correct word should be brooding.) (And vampires don't cry.)"Joan, i'm not like otther guys." (Chrom: Oh, what could he possibly be?) (He must be different from all of the other reindeer.)"I KNOW that silly," I laughed happily (Chrom: If a guy tells you something dark, you laugh. You're really insensitive.) (That is the worst reaction to a guy's dark secret.)"No, you don't get wut I meen." he turned and shivverd and looked sad even more. I frowned. Why was he sad? (Chrom: For the love of Naga, don't put emoticons in the freaking story!) (Why don't you describe how you're feeling instead of just taking the lazy way out?)He looked back and spoke more. "Joan I'm actually an vampire." (Chrom: It turns out her object of lust is a vampire. What a surprise.) (Again, I'm reminded of a scene in the actual movie.)I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE?! That's like really unholly and not good at all, i thought. I felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me. I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron. (Chrom: You know what? We don't give a shit about what you're wearing.) (And I'm glad that Joan is finally coming to her senses.)"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap. "He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun. he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok. I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs. I am a christina vampite!" (Chrom: What the actual fuck? This is idiocy! Vampires can't be Christian because they already turned their back from God!) (And we already established that vampires don't cry, Joan.)I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?" (Chrom: And you ask a vampire who can easily kill you. You're a freaking idiot.) (The atrocious spelling hurts my eyes.)"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still. I can't b wif you." (Chrom: Finally, Edward comes to his senses and wants to eat her.) (And his voice is beer?)I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist. He was uba hawt and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me. I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest. (Chrom: His chest is full of mussels?) (It's a misspelling of "muscles.")"We will work thru it. I love you." (Chrom: This can't be happening.) (You're lusting after a random boy. That's unchristian.)He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town. (Chrom: That's it? They don't visit Edward's parents?) (I think they visit them in the next chapter.)oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah. SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER!!! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3 (Chrom: You can't love vampires. They'll kill you.) (We're not leaving some nice reviews after this pile of dung.)
And that's the fifth chapter. This chapter was the most idiotic in that vampires can't be Christian. Chapter 6 will be coming soon, so stay tuned.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 15, 2013 14:31:33 GMT -8
Hello, my loyal snarkers. Today, we'll be looking at Chapter 6 of Erin's failfic. 6 – SunShine! (Chrom: Another chapter that has no meaning...) (At least, she spelt this word correctly.)Heyo to every1! so nice to see you all again! :3:3:3 I had a wondeaful day today, because 2day I spend da day with Jenny! ^_^ We went shopping witch we had not done for a LONG while, and I bought a cute as T with bunnehs on the sleeves, so I'm in a grate mode! (Chrom: If you want to talk about your day, you should post this on Facebook.) (She's in great mode.) I'm complatly ignoring haters, because in the end sinnars want to be hatful you just have to ignore them. So heres to da storie!!!11 XD (Chrom: We're not going to stop flaming you either.) (Didn't we already establish that we're all sinners from birth?)oooooo"We love Him because He first loved us." John 1 4:9-10 (Naww)oooooo (Chrom: I don't see what's cute about a Bible quote.) (Again, you're raping the Bible and taking phrases from it.)
I dremt about Edward that night. He was standing in a medhow and the wind was blowing softy. He was standing there ONLY in black pants and he was reely riped and sex-ah. His wind was blowing through his orburn hare, and his brewding amba eyes looked at me so devinely. I wanted to walk up to hymn and hug hymn, but then I woahk up. (Chrom: From what I know, Edward is not ripped.) (Didn't this scene happen in the actual book and movie?) I lied there and thought how sexy he had looked in the meadow, I really likd him alot. I didn't kno if we were togather thow, so I decided to fined hymn and ask tomorrow at school. (Chrom: You're giving him a fine?) (And you keep talking about how sexy Edward is.)The next day at school i found hymn asked hymn. (Chrom: And we're suddenly at school with no transition whatsoever.) (Again, you're supposed to put a conjunction in between your sentences. Otherwise, your readers will be confused.)“are we going out?” I asked uncertainly, twizzling my adorbale red hare (I had died it a little while ago for a new look) (Chrom: Obviously, this has nothing to do with the main plot.) (Erin, we don't give a shit about you changing your hair's color to red. That author's note was pointless.)Edwerd locked at me because he was studying for that Biologee clas (eRin - SEE, CONTINUNITY!). “Yes, but I can neva be truly with you due to the hungar for your bloood.” Said Edward, sadily. I froned. ” And there is something I want to show you after school.”He spoke. (Chrom: No. It's not continuity because it's the same scene as the last time.) (You see, Joan. He doesn't want to be with you because he's afraid he's going to eat you.)I was excited because Edwards wanted to see me after school and i wondered what it was he wanted to show me. All day at school i thought about what it mighr be, and hoped it wasn't anything evel or that (He was still a vampire you no, im just givving a 2nd chance). (Chrom: And yet, you're still hanging out with him? You're a goddamn idiot.) (And vampires don't deserve a second chance because they're supposed to be DEMONS.)After school we met in the carpark and he led me to his car. It was a dark blue with silver rimming that looked reely nice. I got more excited as he opened the door for me and then got in the other side. He then sped out of the carpark and took me to da forrest to..............his house!!1 (Chrom: You're defiling canon here. Edward owns a silver Volvo. How hard is it to research your facts before writing?) (And failed suspense is awful.)His house was big and not 'modurn' in style ast all - it looked like a big Gotic/Romantic stile church but smaler and with more rock on the outside in that nice style peeple use to coat thier homes in rock. (Chrom: I thought the Cullen's house looked like a regular house.) (And what's with homes looking like churches?) He took me inside and introduced me to his mother - MC and his father Carlise. They were nice though kinda boring and we talked for a while but then then took me up to his room where he had lots of Relient K CDS and a big bed. (Chrom: You can't even spell her name right. It's Esme, for gods sake.) (And his parents are not boring. If I were Esme, I would've kicked you out of the house for being a bitch.)“I am going to show you what happens when i go in the sun.” He told me and loked ice sex-ahly. ;3 (Chrom: How many times do I have to say it? No emoticons! Already, your story is going down the drainer because of this!) (Isn't the Volturi going to kill him if he goes out?) He then took off his shirt and stepped in front of a window. The sun shone on him and then he started to sporrkle like a diamond!!1 He looked so hot n obviously werked out. He looked exactly like in my dream because he was wearing black pants and had taken off a slimfit black tee from Abercrombu and Fitch. He smiled at me and then stepped away from the window and sat on his bed, i sat down next to him then I asked. (Chrom: Edward's room doesn't have a bed and he doesn't listen to music like that.) (At last, our Meyerpire has sparkled in the sun.)“I thought vampires didn’t sleep?” (Chrom: Of course, vampires don't sleep, you moron.) (And you just asked a stupid question.)“They don’t but it looks nice.” He told me and then he laid down and I laid next to him. He was all sexah lieing their, and I snuggled hymn. He rolled over and coddled me and i coddled him back and we started to kiss. I had don it before but my tongue had nevar felt fangs when doing it b4! I took off his shirt and then he took off my pink top (BUT I STILL HAD TH BRA ON SO SHUSH). Then Edward was on top of me and we caresed. (Chrom: Then, why were you leading him on to make love to you? That doesn't sound Christian.) (She clearly wants sex. Also, Edward abstains from sex in the movies.)Then I felt something as he leened down again! (Chrom: It's probably his dick.) (Or maybe that's his pole.)“No STEP IT! NO1” I yelled and Edward rolled off me looking confused and sad agin. (Chrom: This is surreal...) (And you can't step it. You have to stop it.)“I can’t do this yet," I look at hymn and frown because I'm sad for bof of us. "I am a Christen and we can’t have sex until we marri.” (Chrom: At least, she follows the Christian faith.) (Why are you sad? Is it because you wanted to have sex with him like the slut you are?)Edward looked sad at me and said, “it’s ok, i wont hurt you” and then he hugged me again, but got whoreny and tried again but this time i pushed him off and put all my clothes on. “You have to marri me first! I want it 2 but WE CANNOT!!” (Chrom: See, Edward? She wants to have sex with you.) (And Edward's abstinent. He's not horny.)Edward put his clothes back on to and looked sad. I felt sad too because he looked sad (and had his shirt back on he he ;p). (Chrom: I don't see why you have to put a pointless author's note again.) (And you're repeating the same exact thing over and over again.)“It’s ok, we can try again later but if we do it now god will be mad. Remember what it says in the bible - DO NOT WAIST YOUR SEED.” (Chrom: Hmm. I have to look at what you wrote here. Does it say anything in the Bible about this?) (I think the Bible had a different quote.)Edward said he understood and then we just coddled instead even though deep down I really wanted to do it with him because he was big and sexy, but i loved god too much and I didn’t want to go against my shuould always stick to whta you belive. (Chrom: Funny, I had a feeling that you would betray the Bible's teachings.) (And this confirms that she wants to do it with Edward.)Edward took me home that night and I walked in to see my father sitting at the table eating. He had had a hard day at work as the Mayor but he had cooked me diner so I sat down with him and we started to talk. (Chrom: Your dad changed jobs? I thought he was a firefighter.) (Again, this is a continuity error.)‘where ytou been Joan?” He asked (Chrom: See, Joan? He's been worried about you.) (And you treated your father like crap.)“At my boyfriends” I said and dad looked shocked (Chrom: At least, Hugo knows that you were gone for hours.) (That's why you should care about your father, Joan.)“You have a girlboyfriend?” He asked (Chrom: And Edward is a transvestite. What a surprise.) (What's up with Edward changing his gender all of a sudden?)“Yes his name is Edwed Cillen.” (Chrom: Is Edward a wedding now?) (No. He's a bachelor.)Dad didn’t look happy so i left coz he's an asshole sometimes but I luv him and went to my bed and went to sleep so I could dremt about Edwars and what we wod do tomorow. (Chrom: And you just treated your father like shit again.) (I don't think you love him at all.)Menwhile, little did I know it there was another Vampire who thought I smilled yummy - AND HE WAS CUMMING TO GRT ME!!!!!!!111111111 (Chrom: *sighs* I'm going to let you handle this one.) (For the last time, don't put the emoticons in the story. The story has a large amount of suckage already.) oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo DUN DUN DUN! Those wh ohave red the book will know thier is James. But still, I promise to make him different so it's new, OK? Thanls for reeding everyone, I reely appreshit it!1 :3 Love From The Lord Upon Ye All! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox (Chrom: Did you just spoil the story for us? Good going, you fucking moron.) (The Lord loves everyone, not just you only.)
Stay tuned for Chapter 7. I like snarking failfics like these. They're so lulzy.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 16, 2013 16:42:30 GMT -8
Hello again, my loyal snarkers. Chapter 7 is here! Don't worry about this chapter, this one is really short. Chapter 7 - Family Tyes (Chrom: I thought it was supposed to be spelt "ties.") (And what does this title have to do with the actual chapter itself?)Hey everyone!!!!1 I've got over 20 rewievs, that's epick! (Chrom: All those reviews are probably retards who like your story.) (20 reviews doesn't sound epic.) To the fake Christian who doubts my faith - How Dare YOU dowt my faith!?!?!11 I shal not be put of the Lord's paht because of FAKERS lik you. Believe means that we have to stick togather and be nice, so be nice and nt bitchee if you da reel deel mmk? THANK YOU! (Chrom: We're not fake Christians. You're the supposed Christian here.) (And you shouldn't call us bitches.) Thank you all 4 reeding this far; I'm reely happy and God Bless You All! Have a nise day and please, NO MOR FLEMMING!11111 "Go, and do thou likewise." Thnks all! :3 xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox (Chrom: No. I simply refuse to stop flaming you.) (In fact, we're going to start attacking you until your story is taken down.)ooo "Bear one anotter's burdens." - Luke ooo (Chrom: Here we go again.) (Stop raping the Bible already. It's not cool to plagiarize.)It was da next day and I was having brekfast (Erin: Coco Pops, yah! ) (Chrom: How dare you mock my favorite cereal!) (But, I love Coco Puffs... You just had to misspell even the simplest of all cereal names.) and dad passed me the molk. He still seamed a bit mad, but as I said last chapter he can be an asshole so I ignor him. (Chrom: Breaking the fourth wall much?) (And why are you treating your father like shit? I think you don't like your father very much.)"So Joan tell me more aboat Edward." Asked Dad. (Chrom: Her dad catches on to their lovey-dovey relationship.) (You know, Joan. You're supposed to tell your father about your boyfriend.)I was scholked! Dad has never wanted to know about my boyfrends b4; it was so unlike him to give a shit even when he was not drinking! (Chrom: And yet, he has never been seen drinking. Perhaps, you didn't show him drinking.) (That's why you should tell your father about Edward, Joan. And he does want to know.)"Well" I started, "He's about my age, he's in a few on my classes and he's really ubeh hawt. We met a while ago and now we r going out!" I didn't tell him about the pormiscuity though, because it wasn't Edwerd's falt I just smelt that god for him. I thought and frowned because it seamed it might be hard to overcome da bloodlust. (Chrom: How come you don't tell your father that you almost had sex with Edward?) (She's definitely hiding something from her father.)"That is grate Jone! I am hapapy for you!" (Chrom: What? Her father is supposed to be mad at her. How can he happy for her?) (This is out of character for her father. Seriously, shouldn't he be mad?)"Thanks dad!" I hugged him then left because he'd hit the bottle soon and becum a total fuckhead. Sometimes i wonder if he's even my fater. (Chrom: He is your father. That's why he loves you very much.) (And you don't call your father names. That will earn you a spanking.)Edwred was at school when we arrived, and he introdouched me to his family propper. (Chrom: Oh, yes. Edward introduces his girlfriend to his family as it is proper for his family to know about her.) (I like how the word is introdouched instead of introduced. It's funny.)"Hey I'm everyone, Joan!! And I'm currently dating your spunky bro here!" I said and hugged him tightly. He blushed and huggled me back. :3 (Chrom: I doubt Edward is a spunky brother.) (And that's a funny mix-up in the dialogue.)"Yeah, I herd." Said Rosalie. (Chrom: Wasn't Rosalie opposed to Edward and Bella's relationship in the actual movie?) (Rosalie herds goats in the mountains?)"Has he told you we're Vampires?" Asked Alice askingly. (Chrom: You can't ask askingly. That doesn't make sense.) (And Edward has to keep being a vampire a secret. There is no way he'll tell you unless he decides to ask you.)"Yah he has, and apparently I smell hawt!" I roared happily. (Chrom: How can you roar happily?) (I believe she is shouting happily.)
Everyone laurfed but then went serious. Emment told me seriously: "It's tru tho. I suffest you be careful until we adapt to your scent. We have to b carful around you for a while mmk?" (Chrom: Another redundant sentence. You already told us that the mood was serious.) (The Cullens are full of cars.)I nodded, and Jenny pooped into my mind. I had to tell Jaser! "Oh btw Japster," I told Jasper adorabliy, "My friend Jenny thinks your a big and sexy guy. I'll tell her abot the Christian Vampire thing and you 2 can date ja?" He blushed and nodded. (Erni: See Jen-Jen, I DID THIS FOR YO!!! ;2) (Chrom: I thought Jenny liked Emmett) (Joan, you're not German.)We were getting along great after awhile and soon we walked into the Cafeterra. I was talking about the girls and dressing tips - I was wearing a long white sweater with a flooing red skirt and stocksings and heals, and my hair was in epik ponytails and I had red mascara. (Chrom: We don't need costume porn here.) (I doubt that you look like a Christian. You look like a prostitute.) They were wearing nice things too. We talked and talked, and then they all froze, and Edward........smacked me to the ground!!1 (Chrom: Why would Edward smack Joan into the ground?) (He's probably trying to bite her.)THEN THROUGHT THE WINDOW CAME JAMES AND JUMPED RIGHT INTOP OF ME!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111 (Chrom: This doesn't make sense at all. Why would James attack a public school where there's teenagers here?) (I smell a plot hole here.)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Hope you like that, and I hope you like th dayt wifth Emment Jenny! An thanks to all you out there, really I love you all. Next chapte is an EPIC FIGHT BETWEEN.................EDWARD AND JOMES! Dun Dum Dun! See, I'm deviating from da book now. I'll be using 'creative sinnarios' now! ENJOI! (Chrom: I doubt that the next chapter will have creative scenarios.) (And you're copying from the actual book? That's plagiarism, Erin.)
And Chapter 7 ends here. Chapter 8 will be coming soon, folks.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 17, 2013 15:53:03 GMT -8
The long awaited Chapter 8 is here. Let's just hope the fight scene doesn't get any worse. Chapter 8 – Music (Chrom: Is there music in this chapter?) (What's wrong, Erin? Did you just change your titles into non-Bible chapters now?)Eirn: The excliting conclusion to the fight in the previous chapter! Also, again thanks to all who have red this far - may the Lord bless you and the Lord keep you until the tim comes you passeth unto his relm. Also, Jenny says hi! xD (Chrom: I bet that this fight will be even worse.) (Hi, Jenny!)ooo "Fight the good fight." 6:12, Timothy 1 ooo (Chrom: You're going to keep copying Bible verses until they sue you.) (I thought that the full quote actually says to fight for the Lord, not some sparkly vampire douche.)I screamed loudly as Jomes crashed into me. (Chrom: I'm actually cheering for James to kill her.) (James crashed into Joan?)I fliaded my arms around, and his teef came out and RIPED INTO MY ARM THOUGH MY WHITE SWEETER!!111 I scrome and failed my legs about and somhow hit him in the groin and he got off. (Chrom: If you hit a Meyerpire, you would have a broken foot.) (Her legs failed her.)Da girls dragged me away as best they vould, and everyone else was screaming and running arond withe room! Jomes rawred at me and I could see da Blodlost in his eyes and it was scarry! (Chrom: Do vampires roar?) (Uh, I don't think so.) I got up to may feet and Jasper protected me as Iminant and Edsare came onto Jams! Emmertt smacked the fukca into the ground and Edward jumped on top of him and started beating him pu! Edward looked so sexi as he pounded into Jawms. I was cring because I was sad that Edward would be hurt. (Chrom: Are you sure that Edward was punching James? It sounds like they were having sex.) (And what the hell is with the bad language there?)JAMES KICKE DEDWAD OFF!!!!111 ! (Chrom: Another nickname for Edward. I'm going to start calling him that.) (Finally, someone acknowledges the nickname I'm giving this Meyerpire.)
THERE WERE FLYIG EVERYWHERE!!!!111 Da tables got nocked over as they flew about the room, and everyone was strill screaming who had staied. Alice and Rodemary escorted me to the doors. (Chrom: This sounds like something out of Dragon Ball Z.) (Of course, everyone would be screaming as there's a vampire on the loose. Also, what's with Rosalie's misspelled name?)“What are they going to do to him?” I asked alice. (Chrom: At least, she spelt Alice's name right.) (They're going to let him go free.)“They are going to burn him if they kick his ass!” Jasser told me. (Chrom: Jasser? I thought it was Jasper.) (They're going to have to kick his ass first.)I knew they would do that too kill him. So he wouldn’t try to ate me again. Jenny took me outside and we sat on a table outside. I was nervous not only because of Edward but because I was still kind of beleding from Jame's bite, and they were Vampires. (Chrom: If you're bleeding, you have to go to the hospital to get treatment.) (Obviously, there's a vampire on the loose. Why would you be sitting there?)But then Edward came over to me and haggled me. (Chrom: He's haggling Joan?) (I think he's hugging her.)“It’s okay he is gone now. Ement is going to take care of the body. Why don’t you come back to my place?” (Chrom: Oh, good idea. They're going to Edward's house while Emmett is going to burn the body.) (Edward will probably show her something fantastic.)Ok i said and went with Edward to his house. The parents were out hunting for dear (Edward tol me that's how they eat, they don't eat people which makes me happy) and went to the lounge. The girls went somewhere and so did Jsaper - we were alone. I was still a bit sad but Edward hugged me and i felt better. (Chrom: Why would you feel sad about James being killed?) (They're hunting for dear? Is it that precious to them?)"Why did that happen? Who was that Edward?" I asked unhappy but in his arms. (Chrom: It's Edward, you idiot.) (There's two Edwards?)"That was James. He is a problem vamtpie from another clan. He still ates people. But now he is dead and he'll nether bother you again. But now listen, there is something I want to show you." (Chrom: A cross between a vampire and pie?) (He's a vampire with a problem.)He walked over to the radio and turned off Relient K, then walked sexah to the piano. (Chrom: How can you walk sexily to the piano?) (And he turned off the music?) I was excited as he sat down at his piano and started to play a song. As he played it became clear Edward was such a good penist. It was B Minor but i couldn't recognise the song. It soundsed nice and organy like Catherdrals sometimes have playing. It was so beautiful that i cryed again, but in a good way. (Chrom: Worse misspelling of pianist. It almost sounds like sexual innuendo.) (How can pianos sound like an organ?)As he played to me and i smiled happy and forgot what had happend earlier. The window smashed open and OH NO IT WAS JHAMS AGAIN!! ;'o (Erin - HE RUINS EVERYTHING FOR JOAN!) (Chrom: And James just had to break into someone's home.) (Looks like Emmett didn't dispose of the body.)"ARGH!" I creamed and ran behind Edward who stood up from his piano and started to fight James again. (Chrom: You creamed yourself?) (That doesn't sound like screaming.)"I thought Emmlet burnt him!!1” I sad sadly as Edward threw him back out the window and leppet after him. (Chrom: How can you misspell Emmett's name? It's not that hard to spell.) (The word leppet just bothers me.)I ran out too to watch as Edward bashed James again. His fists smashed into and already broken faice. Then out of no where came Em (Erin - Ok I'm shortening it to Em because I have troulve with his name - I do this for you, kind reeders!) and Rose and Alice and Rose. They grabed james and kniocked him the fuck out. :3 (Chrom: If you have trouble with his name, you should be able to spell it.) (And I disapprove of this bad language.)‘He will stay dead this time.’ Edward told me as he ran over to me and swept me into his arms. "He wont hurt you agsin." (Chrom: And Edward's now Prince Charming.) (Aren't you supposed to dispose of the body first?)I nodded and kissed him and he kissed me back and he took me inside again anfd to his room. He put me on his bed and layed me down. And sat next to me, he stroked my hair as he hummed to me. I was still upset by all the fighting but he made me feel better. I went to sleep next to Edward. Edward told me he would question Em how James could stillbe alive in the morning. (Chrom: I doubt this will end well with Emmett.) (And Edward and Joan start making out.)When I woke up it was dark and I realised I was back in my own house. Edward was sitting nexct to me smelling at me. I sqat up in bed. (Chrom: Edward is smelling Joan?) (How can she be back in her house? You didn't show any transition.)‘Did you bring me hear?’ (Chrom: She can't hear?) (That sentence was perfect until that last part.)‘Yes I did” ‘you’re so sweet’ I told him and coddled him playfully. (Chrom: And that sentence had no punctuation.) (She coddled him?)‘so are you.’ He told me and laid next to me. (Chrom: I don't think Joan is sweet.) (She's so superficial.)I looked at how sexi his hair was and how sexi his eyes where. He wasn't wereing a shirt. I flicked his nose softly playfuly and he liked my finger and protented to nibble it. I giggled and he did too. Then I feel asleep again. (Chrom: You can't flick his nose with two verbs. That doesn't make sense.) (She almost spelt sexy right. Just one letter off.)As I slept I had a Nighthorse about james. He had come back alive and he was shooting at me with a gun and telling me he would eat me agter. I was running but i couldn’t run and then he jumped on me and i went black. (Chrom: A nighthorse? I thought it was a nightmare.) (She's black now?)Wenty I woke up the next morning he was gone, but his scent lingered in my nostrals. (Chrom: You have a friend named Wenty?) (Nostrals? I think you spelt nostrils wrong.)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Thanks agan for reeding. Anyway, I'm thinking of having a competition! I want a nother character in my story, so give me a basic description and yeah you'll b in soon. Cya next time! xoxoxooxoxoxoxox (Chrom: Oh, great. We're going to have another character in the story.) (Expect some really confusing shit in the next chapter, Chromy.)Well, that was a horrible chapter and the fight scene didn't help much. Chapter 9 will be coming soon, so stay tuned.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 18, 2013 14:33:58 GMT -8
And here it is, the highly anticipated Chapter 9! Like Chapter 7, this chapter is short and saves you the trouble of hurting your brain. Chapter 9 - What happends because of bertrail (Chrom: What's a bertrail?) (It's supposed to be spelt betrayal, actually.)Ok, I tried ignoring u flaemrs but sereosly - STOP IT. IT ISN'T NICE. I THOUGHT I WAS BEING MEAN WHEN I DID THE GOING TO HELL AND SINAR BIT BUT NOR I SEE I WAS WRITE! YOU FLAMERS ARE EVIL! HELL FOR YOU LEST YOU CHASNGE OUT WAYS! I AM BETTER THAN YTOU BECORSE I'M RESPONDING TO ATTACKS ONLY! SO BE NICE OR I'LL REPORT YOUR MEENESS! Epsecially you Phonics, reely!! : ( (Chrom: I'm guess that this Phonics person is a snarker who had the courage to tell her that her story sucked. I applaud her efforts.) (Also, stop typing in caps. It makes you sound like a whiny bitch.)Everyone else, who is nice, I welcome you back. Enjoy the story! Also, sorry Jenny but Emmery is going to die. We'll talk tomorrow when you're over k? (Chrom: My sister is in this story?) (What a backstabber. Joan is killing off Jenny's favorite Cullen.)ooo "Be ye angry, and sin not." - Ephesians ooo (Chrom: This quote makes no sense if it's not the full quote.) (This quote refers to people who use anger in a bad way and it doesn't apply to flamers.)Today I woke up, got dressed into my blue sheep skin lined sweater, blue Natural fit jeans, the leather uggs and applied Liberal (erin - not that I am oen) blue mascara and Sweet Rose colour lipstick before I waled out early in the morning to da Cullen house to see what was happening because of James. (Chrom: We don't need that much detail, Sue.) (What the hell is an ugg? What are you even talking about?)The tazi let me out and he asked for the fare, so I paid him and he left which was good because he smelt like fish. I walked into the doors and MC said hello. I said hello back and walked into the lounge room where evry1 was. (Ering: fuck that was an longf descryptshun sorry!) (Chrom: You treated the taxi driver like crap.) (And we don't need that pointless author's note.)Em was bound and gagged in the middle of da room! (Chrom: Isn't he the strongest Meyerpire?) (I think so. Also, he would've easily have broken those chains.)"WTF is goig on?!1/?" I asked loudlty, socked to see him like that - HE HAD BEEN BEATEN HIM IN THE FACE!111 And looked sad. (Chrom: Again, unnecessary bad language is not good.) (I don't think Edward would hurt his own brother.)"He did n'tburn Jume!" Edward roared pointing at him with a scrowling fac. "He beatrayd us!" (Chrom: But, my nickname for Joan is better.) (So, I'm guessing that Emmett did follow the Lord's teachings.)I looked at him - cold it be true!? I frowned. Everyone in the room looked sad, except Edward who looked pissed and seaxhi. (Chrom: How can you look angry and sexy at the same time?) (Is Edward being cold?)"We trusted him with your life and he betrayed the entire clan!" Edwoed told "And he must die!" (Chrom: I thought that Edward loved his brother.) (And Emmett can't die. He's a Meyerpire.)It didn't seem fair to me, because even Judas was forgiven - if da Collens were cHristians why couldnt they too forgave? (Chrom: I don't think Judas was forgiven.) (For one thing, Judas betrayed Jesus. This makes her claim sound false.)"No, give him a second chance!" I proclaimed, "LIKE JESUS DID JUDASS!!1" (Chrom: Again, Judas betrayed Jesus.) (Why don't you spare Emmett? He doesn't need to be killed.)Every1 looked at me, even MC who had bought in cookies for everywon. Edward walked up to me ands put a mussular hand on my soldier. (Chrom: What has Edward done to your soldier?) (And Esme is stupid enough to bring cookies for everyone when Emmett is about to be killed.)"Joan we can't let him live. The Load's commandment is 'Thou shall not kill' and he has helped someone try to koll. Beyond that he has betrayed the clan -the clan is not a reel family. We are from different people. But we bound togather because of our values and stuff. He has to di for betraying it all for a meany." (Chrom: I doubt that Edward would say such things. He is old-fashioned.) (And when did Edward start talking like a child?)"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1" I cried, and cried, and cried! I raqn over to Em and hugged him and told him Jen loved him because I new he was going to die (Chrom: You're repeating the same thing over again.) (I thought Emmett was already dead.)Then they surrounded him and killed him with a bat to the head. I ran out, tears flapping from my face as I ran through the door and out into the woods, teary and sad! For the first time ever I was annoled with Edward. (Chrom: How can tears flap on your face?) (Stop being redundant, Erin. You should at least put in some other words.)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo OMG HOW MEAN! I can't believe Edward did that, but I still lov hymn. But Jon (AND SHE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON : () feels bad. Lets hope she gets better. Also, ENTER FOR THE COMP!!!!!!!111111 And again sorrty Jenny! Reely I am. Tomorrow at 1 ok? CYA DOLL! (Chrom: Ugh... Words cannot describe how confusing this is...) (Nice going, you traitor. You just hurt Jenny.)Well, that was a rather confusing chapter. Chapter 10 will be coming soon, fellow snarkers. Until next time, have a bottle of brain bleach on hand.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 19, 2013 14:07:50 GMT -8
Here we are at Chapter 10 where the badfic takes on a new level of stupidity. CHAPRER 10 – Braking Harts. (Chrom: Uh, does this have anything to do with the chapter?) (Yes. It has something to do with Edward and Joan's strained relationship.)Ok flamerd stop plesase! FUCK OFFFF NOWWWWWWW!!111 It's not nice but yuo know what screw you me and Jen think youre mean old ladied with no fucking LIFE!!!!!!!!11111111111 SO SCROW YOUUU!!!!!!!!! Anyway everyone else LOVWE YOU! :3 xoxoxoxocoxxooxox And another thin - I will call Edward Ward from now on becorse I think Ward is a better nickname for him. It makes him sexah and myster (Chrom: You're the one who has no life. And we have lives outside the computer.) (Ward is an ugly name for Edward.)
oooo "Let the mistaken not nice guy forsake his way." - Isaiah oooo (Chrom: You just twisted this quote to suit your badfic.) (Actually, I couldn't find the meaning of this quote. She may have made it up.)I ran into my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Dad had followed me to my room and reopened the door. (Chrom: I think your father wants to talk to you, Sue.) (You can't slam the door when your father is trying to talk to you. That's utterly rude.)“Joan? What is happened?” he asked (Chrom: Huh. I find it funny when she doesn't use the correct tense.) (That's a funny tense error right there.)“I hate Ward, I never want to see him again!” I cryied sadly at him. I couldn’t believe that he had killed Em! (Chrom: Edward killed my sister?!) (No. It's Joan's nickname for Emmett.)“Ok then I'll be out hear if you need to talk.” Dad said and left me alone. He wasn’t good with emotional stuff and always coped out when I neded someone. (Chrom: Her father needs to hear her?) (Your father can't cope out. He loves you.)I laid on my bed and cried into my polliw. I hated him, how could he kull Emmet, it wasn’t Christian!? Why couldn’t they forgive like tin the Bible? I knew the only reason Emm hadn’t burnt Jemes is because he was following the Lord's tee-chings, 'Thous Shall Not Kill'. I got bored of being in my room after a while and went out the black to think. (Chrom: I hated how you keep misspelling the word, kill.) (Tee-chings? Shouldn't the correct spelling be teachings?)Out the back was our gardener and he was name Fertado. He had a mousetaste and had tan skin and smutty overalls. He waved hello to me but I ignored him, I didn’t fell like talking to anyone. (Chrom: Another Spanish stereotype... What's with this badfic?) (I doubt Spanish gardeners will wear smutty overalls.)“Whats wrong?” he asked me, and I couldn’t avoid him. Don't people know I want to be left alone?! : ( (Chrom: You're rude if you tell someone to leave you alone when they ask you if you're okay.) (You couldn't avoid your own gardener?)“Boyfriend.” I said shrugging “Oho,” he said, “No good?” “No,” I said trying to not get into a convarsation with him. (Chrom: Why were you talking to him, then?) (I'm guessing you suffer from depression.)“If you need to talk to me you can.” He told me, i nodded and walked away. (Chrom: Say what? You didn't even talk to him about your problems?) (Oh, great. The silent treatment.)I went back inside and unto my room, however in the corner sat Ward. He smiled a croked smile as I sat down by i glared at him, tyhough he looks nice in the black cargos, the brown Hoodie (which was zipped harve weigh to show his bear chest ) (Chrom: You glared at him, so you should be angry with him.) (His chest is full of bears?)“What are you doing here?!" I yelled at him. (Chrom: Just what I expected. A fight between lovers.) (Why would you yell at him?)“I came to see you.” He repeliedreplof I sat on the bed but I was not happy at. (Chrom: Repliedreplof? Is that a douche?) (It's a humorous misspelling.)“I’m sorry I made you sad, eJoan.” Ward said looking sad too. (Chrom: Now, she's some kind of computer.) (Sounds like she's made by a mad scientist.)I looked at him feeling bad for being angry at him but I was still upset with him and he did sort of look adorable sexa. (Chrom: You can't put adorable and sexy with no conjunction. It doesn't make sense.) (Sexa? Is that a new word?)“Is there anything I can do to make you like me again?” Ward said looking concened. (Chrom: Concened? That's not even a word.) (It's supposed to be concerned.)I tried to think. I didn’t know what to do, there was nothing that could make him better for killing his brother. (Chrom: Good. Now, let's keep it that way.) (But, isn't he still grieving at the death of his brother?)“Don’t do it again.” I told him and he came over and hugged me. (Chrom: Run-on sentences are the worst.) (After five seconds of thinking, this is what you came up with?)
“I promise I never will.” Wrad told me and came over to huggel me. I snuggled into his chest and I wasn’t angry at him anymore. (Chrom: Wrad? Is that another name for Ward?) (Huggel? We've got a new misspelling of hugged.)"How will you Repent?" I asked as I snoffled into him more. (Chrom: Snoffled? I spy a misspelling of snuggled.) (I thought vampires were demons, so they can't repent.)"I'm going to church tomoorw, come with me please." (Chrom: Vampires can't go to church. That's impossible.) (If you actually think that vampires serve God, then congratulations, you're an idiot.)
"Mk." I replied. "What did you do with the body?" "I burnt it and buried it." We hugged, but I was still afriad of James who was out there wanting to eat me bloo. (Chrom: How did poor Bloo from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends get into this badfic?) (He's in there?)He was watching through da window! (Chrom: I thought James was dead.) (Clearly the suethor has mixed up the death of James.)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Ok seriously flamers. NO ONE LOVES YOU. NO ONE. EVERYONE WHO TOLD YOU THOU DID IS A LIE AND THEY TOO ARE HELL BOUND LEST YOU REPENT! BE NICE FFS. IT ISN"T HARDDDDDDDDDD!!!!1111 Also comps still open and i had a nice day with Jen. I bought a new notebook YAY! I draw Ward sometimes. (Chrom: I doubt your drawing of Edward is good.) (We're not going to hell just because of our views on your story.)I actually looked at some of her drawings and they are cringe-worthy. Chapter 11 will come soon, my fellow snarkers.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 20, 2013 13:51:02 GMT -8
Today, I present to you, Chapter 11! This chapter is quite long due to the reviews. Chapter 11 - Redempshun (Chrom: Is this the part where they redeem their sins?) (Yes, it is.)Ok, I took a little breethur becorse the evil flamers got to me. I can only take abuse so much, so I've reported it. I hope you nasty people are happy, YO MAD ME SAD!! Anyway, right, fuck you I'll continue becose the reeders deserve it. So back on with th sho! :3 3 to every1. However I do want to address ONE SINNIN 'LADY' FROM THE REVIEW SECION: (Chrom: Okay, then. Let's hear it.) (And you're not black, Erin.)Firstly: Exodus 20:2-5a?Basically, you are making Edward to be a god, therefore making an idol. That's one sin. (Chrom: At least, one person had the gall to call her out on one particular thing.) (I agree with this review.)Look Ward is not an idle infact i've had JOAN be made at him evan! To warship sumthin you need 2 LOUVE IT UNCONDIDIONALLY. WARD IS NOT A GOD YOU STUUUUUUUPID BITHC!!111111 (Chrom: And you don't call others a bitch, you stupid whore.) (I don't think you should love a vampire.)
Secondly: Matthew 7:12?"Do for others what you would like them to do for you. This is a summary of all that is taught in the law and the prophets." Another "sin", but still the point. You whine and flame others, expecting compliments. (Chrom: I agree with this statement.) (Erin, you need to listen to this review.)OMFG NO YOU DIDN"T USE THE SAME QUOTE I HAVE look wrong becorse I respanded to the FLAMERS - I NEVER ATTACKED FRIST!! (Chrom: I spot a contradiction in your response. Basically, you attacked the flamers.) (So, the flamers attacked you. That's how they're going to treat you.)Thirdly: Luke 12:1-12?This is a large passage, so I won't type it. However, the gist of it is Jesus warning others against the Pharisees and hypocrites. You are, again, acting like a childish hypocrite. (Chrom: You're right, Erin is a hypocrite who acts like a child.) (She is also a fundamentalist Christian.)WTF NO REVELANCE! I am not hyppocritic becorse I RESPOND TOE THE FLAMMERS AND THIER NASTINESSS (Chrom: No. They're simply trying to help you.) (Yet, you ignored them and continued to attack them.)
Finally, Revelation 22:19?"And if anyone removes any of the words from this prophetic book, God will remove that person's share in the tree of life and in the holy city that are described in this book." Although you haven't raped Revelation yet, the point stands: you took Bible verses and cut them to your own advantage, making yourself seem high and mighty. (Chrom: Does the trope "A God Am I" ring a bell?) (Hmm. She does want to look high and mighty, so yes.)Take that. *spits at Erin's feet* You slu, tyou are the devil's warshiper! BECORSE SERIOUSLY TS NOT NICE AT ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!111111 I AM PRAISEING THIN LORD WITH EVERY PASSAGE BECOSE I LOVE HIM WHICH YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND! THE LORD IS A DEVINE BEING CAPABLE OF INFINITE LOVE AND WISDOME AND YOU MY DEER CERTAINLY LACK NEITHER!!!!!11111 YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN GOD SO STOP ATTACKING HIS FLOCK! STOP IT! IT ISN"T FUCKNG NICE1111111111111 I HOPE THE LORD KICKS YOUR ASS YOU WARD HATTERS I DO BECORSE YOU PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND DON"T EVEN TRY TO BEK NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW OR ILL REPORT YOU MORE! (: AT LEAST I"M NOT SPITTING AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!11 EVNJOY LUCIFER'S ACCOMAPY! (Chrom: Wasn't Lucifer once an angel, too?) (Yes. And we don't like being in the company of Lucifer.) I'll pray then very worset upon thee unless you lift your game becoos i no the lord will no I'm RIGT! ERNI LOCKLEA IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!1 8 ( THIS TOGE TO EVERY! WHO FLAMS ME SO SHUT UP AND LIKE IT OR GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111 So there no more nice Erin (Chrom: You don't tell us to shut up.) (And the whole paragraph is just one large caps rape.)ooo "Flamers are asshoes with no lif" - THE LORD ooo (Chrom: Is this in the Bible?) (No. I don't see any quote that matches this. It is likely that she twisted the quote to her advantage.)It was Sunday and I woke up earli and dressed in acasual owtfit of blak hoodie with button up things and blacktrackpants when I used to be fat (Ern: Black is blah-k lol see what I did there?) and white sneakers because my blak stilletoes wouldnot go with it and I don't own other black shit. I also wore da usual madeup. I wore black becose I was going to church with Ward and it made sense to morn for Em. I kno Em would have wanned to be remembared. (Chrom: It's not funny. This is a funeral we're talking about.) (Why don't you borrow some shoes from Jenny?)I walked along the road and reflexed on Em's life. He seemed so nice, so why had he beetraid us all for the evil ames? I walked along the road and was sad and, everyone I walked by left me alone beca I look sad. (Erin: Note picture me walking alone with Switchfoot's Ment to Live - yeah, THAT SAD ) (Chrom: Ames? That's not a word.) (And I don't picture you walking alone with that song.)Then I was at the church and Ward was there, standing sodly in a fitted black suit and dark gold tie. He was in pain becorse he had to kill his Vampie brothelr. I walked sadly to hymn and hugged hymn but he pushed me away and howled in pain. Then he punched the Church door and cried. (Chrom: Why the hell would Edward punch a church door where anybody can see him?) (I pictured Edward as a crybaby.)"Warfd! No, it'll be ok" I cooooed and hugged hymn, trying hard not to squeexe his hard pecs. (Chrom: Does he usually show off his pecs?) (Warfd's a nickname for Edward. I'll add that to my mental notes.)
"I cannot believe he did it, or that I killed him Jone!" He cried and I stayed with hymn for a moment as he sobbed then pushed hymn through the door so we could go pray. (Chrom: Did Joan undergo a sex change?) (She's a man, now.)
We walked Solomonly up the aisle. The church was empty, not even the priest was there. It was very beautiful inside, with ornape colour glass pictures in the windows, and candles everywhere. We sat in the head pew together and I held Ward's hand. he had to do this for him self. (Chrom: Since when did King Solomon appear in this badfic?) (Of course, Wardy has to do this for himself. He's a grown man.)"Oh Father who art in Heaven, Blessed be thy name, I, Edward St. Paul Cullen, but one of your fock have beesmerched your gift of life! Deer Fatter, yesterday I killed a man who unto then had been lik a brtother to me. He loved me and I loved him (Erin - Guys can love eachother, just not in the ass) but he beetrayld my trust and the safety of my lover, Joan St Sanctuary Louisa-Smith, for an evil unholy being who doth not belive in you. Although I do not expect forgaveness, Deer Lord, I want to let you know I am sorry and when the time comes I expect your judgement to be as it shall be. Thank you Lord for your patients. Amen" (Chrom: I thought Eddiekins had a different middle name that's not related to the Pope.) (You're homophobic as usual, Joan.)I smiled at hymn, a tear dribbling from his sexah Amba eyes. He had done a first step to inner piece until his Judgement came, and i had a feeling the Lord would be kind and understanding becorse it was to apparently save my life. We walked out togather. (Chrom: Vampires don't cry.) (And they can't eat either. The Lord will not be pleased to see you with a demon.)Then, he turened to me, kissed and ran away. I had helped hymn and would see him tomorrow at skool. :3 I went to the local store and bought an ice cream, it was raspberry and made me happy. After I left: (Chrom: Skool? Nice try, but the correct spelling is school. You're just two letters off.) (Finally, something happy after some depressing shit.)"Hey there girl, that looks yummy! Hawt outfit, tho why in blak?!?!?" (Chrom: I don't have to look back to know who that is.) (Is it Pikachu?)It was Jenny! She didn't know about Em! :'O (Chrom: Then, why didn't you tell her?) (She must not know who killed Emmett.)oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SO maybe Ward will be on the recovery and Joan will forgave hymn. But poor Jenny, HOW WILL SHE TAKE THE NEWS!?!!1/1 Find out next time. Also, contest closed becores I cbf?xoxoxoxoxoxoxozzoxoxoxox (Chrom: What the hell does cbf mean?) (Jenny will probably take the news real hard.)I applaud those of you who wrote scathing reviews for her failfic. Chapter 12 will be coming soon, my fellow snarkers. Until next time, have a nice day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 21, 2013 16:16:49 GMT -8
Hello, my fellow snarkers. HeraldChaos here with a B.A. in English! Today, I present to you, Chapter 12! Let the snarking begin.
12 – Troubels (Chrom: Oh, I think I know who's in trouble.) (She almost spelt it right.)
LOOK YOU SINNA BITCHES IF YOU DON"T LIKE MU STORY THEN FUCK OFF ALREADY OR SUGGEST HOW I CAN GO WITH IT YOU RETARDS!!!1 Seriously you poeple are mean and unhelpful. And to the hore who spat at me again - *SPIRTS IT YOUR FACE* : FFS STOP BEING RPICNEKDS!!!11111111111111111111 (Chrom: I laughed at the misspelling.) (She has every right to spit on you, Erin.)
ooo "The best things come after the worset." - Father James Holden, LOVE YOU!!! ooo (Chrom: Who is Father James Holden?) (I think he's her pastor.)
I stared to cry as I told Jenny that Em had been kulled. She was really sad and she starred screaming because she luved him more than anything. She did look reely nice in her scarlet dress with grey stockings though besides the added blue streaks (Ering: See those are her teers and I AM BEING CREATIVLY ARTISTICV!). (Chrom: No, you're not being creative.) (Is your name, Ering now?) I new she was really angry so I tired to help her out. I brought her an ice-cream and she clamed down. I told her that Em had died becorse he did not want to go aganst the Lords teechings, and eplain what had happened but left out Ward had killed him. This made Jenny a little happier becorse she wasn't sobbing now, so I guess she was happy that he followed the faith with all his might (Erin: Even though it was a stupi thing and really showled of been overlooked.) (Chrom: Clamed down? Is she a clam?) (A pointless author's note again... Stop making those already, suethor.)
I decided to take her hoem to my place were we could grive together and maybe watch a movie. When we got hoem, no one was home except our gaurdener (no not Fernando becorse this one worked only on Sundays). (Chrom: Who is it, then?) (Grive? That's supposed to be grieve.)
“Hello Jacob.” I said (Chrom: Oh, it's that werewolf boy.) (Another Biblical name. Why am I not surprised?)
“Hello.” Jacob said back. He was an Indian America with long black hair and always smiling despite the fact he worked most of the time I saw him. (Chrom: That's racist, Joan.) (I thought he was a Native American.)
“Whos that?” Jenny asked as we waled to my room (Chrom: It's Jacob.) (It's a Native American werewolf.)
“Thats your gardener, Jacob Black. He works with Fernando becos he is old.” I told her. (Chrom: Fernando is old?) (He works with an old man?)
“Oh hes hawt.” Said Jenny, "Yeah I guess so but I've already found someone" I said back, recalling how Ward's peckers felt in my hands earlier. I needed to marry this boy! (Chrom: Marriage is a commitment. You have to commit to their marriage.) (And I think you want to marry him because he's hot. Trust me, sweetie. Those kinds of marriages don't last long.)
“Oh yes so Em's fooneral is this Wednesday? So yeah the Dullens have said you can come.” I sad but she wasn’t listening. She was going out to see the Gardener, the sexah Mr Black (though he's actually tanny). (Chrom: Dullens. That's a horrible attempt at spelling the Cullens.) (Mr. Black is sexy?)
I fallowed her and she was talking to the guardener, I sat and watched them then Werd appeared at my side. He fell from the roof; he was so sexahly athetic like that that he could do that shit and not get hurt. (Chrom: How can you be sexy and athletic at the same time?) (He's a sexy athlete.)
“Hello,” He said to me and he kissed my check. (Chrom: He kissed her checking account?) (That's weird.)
I hufed him and he huggled me back. He was still in the suit from b4. "So where did you gO?" I asked, trying to sound hot aspossible. (Chrom: She huffed at him?) (You're still a whore, Joan.)
"I had to leave Joan, your blood was too tempting in such despait!" I frowned, and he looked away brewdingly. We had to talk about the bloodlist soon. :/ (Chrom: Is Edward going to suck her blood?) (Perhaps. Her blood is a list.)
“Whos Jenny?” He asked (Chrom: Another whore.) (A robot.)
“Oh she's the friend who liked your bro that I told you about the other day. She is ok about his death, I told her about Em, but she doesn't know how it happened so yeah. She is talking to Fenando now. He is our gartiner." (Chrom: You're cheating on Emmett.) (Fernando's the old man. I guess you confused Jacob with Fernando.)
Ward smiled a crocked smile at me and payed with my hair. I asked if he wanted me to grow it out and he said yes. I will. (Chrom: He payed her hair. Fantastic.) (He wants her to grow out her hair?)
'Thats good then’ he said to me and we left Jenny with Jacub and went up to my room. (Chrom: No, it's not okay. We have a werewolf pedophile on the loose.) (Actually, he's her age.)
What happemed to jams? I quested ward/ I hadn't forgotten the lurking menace. (Chrom: I thought James was dead. Didn't he die four chapters ago?) (She's giving him a quest?)
‘He is still after you,’ Ward said sadlyer this time. ‘I woll kull him this time.’ (Chrom: Sadlier is not a word.) (Woll. That's a new word I haven't heard in the dictionary.)
I knew ward would protect me so I was happy. We laid toether and huged and pashed a bit and then Jenny came in. (Chrom: Pashed? What does that mean?) (They're getting laid.)
"OMFG JOSAN GIRL, I am going out with Jacob now.” She said all exsitedly.(Erin: See, I knew you liked Jacob. Sorry about Em, but I think we know how to make this work) (Chrom: Is dating really that quick? You should've gotten to know him first before you date.) (Josan should be Sue's new name.)
I was so happy for her. He was indeed hot and she needed someone new. (Chrom: And yet, you lusted after your vamp boyfriend.) (What about poor Emmett?)
“And guess what, he can turn into a Wearwoof!” (Chrom: Just what I expected. Jenny's new boyfriend is a pedo werewolf.) (Where's the rest of the wolf pack?)
Word sudenly looked heppy and stroked his chin.
"Maybe we can ask him to help! Wearwilfs are not enemis with Vampires like in novels and movies and stuff. He can kill jomes when he turning into a wolf!’ (Chrom: I thought Jacob resented Edward and had a crush on Bella Sue.) (Werewolves had super strength.)
"OMG I" said, "how good, I can be safe and now you don’t have to go against the LORDS will just in case I mean." he had killed but I dunno if the Lor would overlook two deaths. :/ (Chrom: The Lord will probably smite you.) (Jacob's probably going to go against the Lord since YOU told him to kill James.)
Ward was really happy now and he rang Alice and Japper to tell him that the werewolf would probably protect me. Alice and Japper came over to my house and we all sat round talking about how Jacolb would protect me and strategy to defeet James! Then there was a nock at the door and....................EM CAME INTO! (Chrom: Oh my gods, my sister is alive!) (Actually, it's Emmett that rose from the dead.)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
No, you GET NO AN THIS TIME BITCH. FUCK OF (Chrom: Who are you talking to?) (Her best "friend", Jenny.)
This was a rather long chapter with the introduction of Jacob. Chapter 13 will be coming soon, fellow snarkers. Until next time, have a wonderful day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 22, 2013 17:40:48 GMT -8
Onward to Chapter 13, fellow snarkers! This is where schizophrenic love goes too far. 13 – Dishiscions (Chrom: I can't remember the time I washed the dishes.) (Dish decisions sounds like a better title.)SEE? ONE. GOD. REVIEWR! Thank you, unless your a pretender in witch case FUCK YOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!11111 All you other bitches can fuk off because NO ONE LIKS YOU! I've had a boyfriend, HAVE YOU! NO DIDN"T THINK SO! Anyway, Jenny wasn't really into the whole "now with Jacob" thing so that's why he's aliv. I can make use of him tho so all good. Review nicely, and Lord bless. (Chrom: That one reviewer was a Twitard who liked your shitty story.) (You're manipulating Jacob in your story?)ooo "True love comes only from both hardshit and ease." - Book of Ruth ooo (Chrom: I don't think that's in the Bible. I know because I checked.) (You're quoting the Quran now? That quote wasn't in there either.)We all stood there grasping, we couldn’t belive that Em was still alive! Or at least that's how it locked to me, but something seemed off. (Chrom: You're grasping something?) (You locked Emmett out?)“OMG,” said Jenny who ran into his awaiting arms (eri: NAWWWW :3 See Jen?), “What are you doing being alive when you are dead!?’ (Chrom: I don't see what's so cute about a joyful reunion with Emmett.) (He's alive because of his fairy godmother.)Em cam and sat with us at the table. Jen was sat next to him. “Whats the plan?” said Em determinationally. (Chrom: He's supposed to be determined, not determinationally.) (He had a camera with him?)WHAT DO YOU MEAT?!?1" Word asked angstyily angrily. (Chrom: He's cooking meat?) (You can't say angst and anger at the same time.)"How are we going to beet Jomes?” Em said looking confucioused (Chrom: The philosopher, Confucius is in this story?) (James has beet in his pocket.)“Your death I kulled you!!!! WTF MAN!” Wurd said angrily andstily. (Chrom: Stop repeating the same thing.) (And he's saying swear words.)Jenny rand over and hoged him, she was so happy but then she remembered ferJacob and then she was confused. Could it be she liked them both..? (Chrom: FerJacob? Is that a cross between Fernando and Jacob?) (She likes an old man?)
“What’s wrong jen?’ asked Em all concerned and put her hand on her cheek in an adorable way like I saw James once do to Clare at the record store in my old town. (Chrom: Who's James again? I'm confused.) (It's either a Meyerpire or some guy at a record store.)“Nothin" said Erin and then she stopped huffing him and he . (Chrom: He what?) (Please finish your sentence, Joan.)Em looked sad but the Ward was hgetting arngy - He looked lik he was going to nock a fucker out. (Chrom: You're not a Christian if you keep swearing like a sailor.) (Emmett is sad while Eddie is angry.)“you are a trator! I KILLED YOU AND UNTIL YOU EXPLAIN THIS WE CANNOT CONTINUE WITH YOU IN OUR MIST!" Em shook his herd (Chrom: He herds goats?) (They're in the mist?)“No am I not, I didn’t want to go against my relegion.” “You could have gotten Jenny derd!” Word roared sexahli but powerfully 2. (Chrom: How can you roar sexily?) (And he roars powerfully. Someone must have worked out a lot.)"I would never let Jomas hurt James hurt Joan!” Em retorted back. (ERIN: SEE, BETTER VOCAB NOW YOU DIRTY FF FLAMERS HUH?!?!) (Chrom: Except for that last bit, I'm going to have to say no.) (It's the Jonas Brothers!)“You are liying!!!!!!!” Edword screamed and then went to punch em in thwe jaguar. But before he did: (Chrom: A jaguar is in this story?) (Here comes the big no.)“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo111!!!!!!!!!!” I yellod because I didn’t want them to fight. Brothers should never, ever fight - God wants the familt to stick togather! Jenny loved em and I louved Wade. He was so sexah and he meens the world to me. I didn’t want his to hurt his brother, nor Janet to get hurt. (Chrom: That rivals Darth Vader's no.) (Wade is his new name.)Ward stopped and so did Erm. Then Jacob ran in the room! (Chrom: What the hell, Erin. There is no transition in this damn scene!) (It's like it came out of nowhere.)“What is happen?” Jacob assed and Jenny went over to him and curied her teery face into his tan chest, sobbing. (Chrom: Incorrect tense, suethor.) (Jacob assed people? Disgusting.)"Em, he is alive! I...You have to protect joan.” She told him. “You have to become a wearwoof to save her from the eval Jams!!!! It's the only way.” (Chrom: Or you could hire someone better for the job.) (Jacob protects Joan like he protects Bella Sue.)Jocub looked thinkingly as he locked at the Vampires and at me. (Chrom: The word is thoughtfully.) (He locks the vampires and Sue out.)“What's in it for me?" Ward looked at him. "Satifaction of saving a life." "Okay I will save here from the evel Jam.” Jenny looked sad and I looked more sad at her. My life was in danger, I have a bloodsucking vampite for a BF who might ate me and all sorts of drama but she had to choose between the biggest loves of her life! We all were so happy that Fenando was going to help me. Wared and em forgot about there fighting. Then Acile offed to dive us to her huose so we could work on a plan. Rose went out shopping. (Chrom: I thought her name was Alice.) (Edward should've ate Joan when he had the chance.)MC and Charlie were there wen we got there. We told them the plan to save me and they were really happy that I would be saved. (Chrom: It's spelt Carlisle, you moron.) (They're saving you from their son who might eat you.)I bit my lip. I hoped they were happy for a reason. “Jona I want to show you something.” Jacob told me and we went out the back alone, even though wad wasn’t happy about that. Did he seriously think I'd jump ship or something? (Ering: For another guy, not a dyke, not that kind of jumping shop.) (Chrom: Then, why were you talking about shipping?) (He's secretly gay.)“Watch, he said and then he turning into A BIG SCARY WOOF. He was russelt (Erin: A sort of brown I guess) and shaggy. He was big and he had teeth that locked sharp. It was scarty but then he licked the side of my face and then I realised he ewasnt scarry. I hugged him and even know he was muscular. (Chrom: He was dark brown?) (All wolves are shaggy. Just not muscular.):is that how you will stop Jomes.?” I asked and Jacob nodded and then turned into a person again. (Chrom: How is he able to do that?) (He has the powers of transformation.)
“And because I care about you,” I shrieked because he was naked, and he excused himself. I only hoped Ward wasn't watching. But before Jacob went I exploded. (Chrom: Jacob's naked? That reminds me of an embarrassing memory where I walked in on someone taking a bath.) (Ward was watching. And Joan's dead. Sound the trumpets!)“I thought you loved Jenny!” i siad angry that he liked me and Jenny at the smae time - SHE WAS CHOOSING, YOU CANNOT HAVE BOTH!! “I am with Ward! You are a good friend and nothing more.” I shout at him and Jacob looked like he would cry. (Chrom: Did this happen in Twilight, too?) (Yes. There's a werewolf and a vampire who are both in love with a Mary Sue.)
“I know but don’t forget how I felly,” and then he left me alone and I went back to see Ward. He was hot, but i couldn't. I loved Ward. He loved me. And then I went back inside to ask Em about him being alive. (Chrom: You fell?) (And there was no transition in this scene.)oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Thanks for reading. Pheocnixs, spit at me again and I'll report it. Seriou. I'm sure the ff reprot people don't like nasty shit like your skany arse. So. BE. NICE. (Chrom: I support Phoenix's efforts.) (You know, Erin. She has a point there. And not all people are going to be nice.) Congratulations, suethor. You win the grand prize for plagiarizing Twilight. Chapter 14 will be here tomorrow. Until next time, have a wonderful time.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 23, 2013 17:48:16 GMT -8
I present to you, Chapter 14! This is where the badfic takes a wrong turn. 14 - A New Life (Chrom: Did this story have a timeskip or what?) (Not entirely sure. She didn't mention anything about a timeskip.)Ok, now I'm on the Wonderful DeviantArt! YAY! Becose are nasty sinnng people who took my whole fucking story sown for NO GOSH-DARN REASON. Oh wait, yes, their is a reason. PHOEXINS AND SKES! THEY ARE EVIL FLAMERS WHO RUINED MY STORY ON FF AND ARE NOW HEAR HERASSING ME!!!11 IGNORE THIS PATHETIC PEOPLE BECOAE THEY HAVE NO LIFE! IGNORE THEM. To my new reeders read the otther chapters first, mk? Cool so yes, thank you all for reeding. ^_^ (Chrom: They're not evil flamers. They're trying to help you.) (And they do have lives unlike you.)OH YES DISCLAIMER FOR THE NEW PLACE!: THIS CHAPTER, EVERYONE AFTER IT AND EVERYONE B4 IT IS ABOUT TWILIGHT, A SERIES OWNED AND PRODUCED BY STEPHANIE MEYER. THIS IS A TRIBUTE NOT A STEALING!!!!!!!!11 (Chrom: It looked like you copied your story after Stephanie Meyer's trash novel.) (Why would this be a tribute to Smeyer's shitty work?)33333333333333333?(This is to see if Deviantart will accept the above as my deviser - It feels sort of wrong to take from the Bible all the time becosre it's not my own work) (Chrom: And the Bible copying stopped.) (You still don't know how to divide your work? *facepalms*)I walked up and into the house refracting on what had just happend. BTOH Jacleb and Ward were in love with me. (Erin: From now on I'll calle Jacub J or Jay becose Jacob sounds like it's mocking the bible a bit. The orralgin of the name goes back to the founder fo the 12 Jewash Tribes and the name meas struggler with God. That's not appropriate - we should work WITH the Lord.) (Chrom: I don't think you knew the meaning of Jacob's name too well. Jay's a stupid name for him.) (Jacob is one of the Biblical names. His name means "may God protect." So you got the meaning all wrong, Erin.)But I had to know why Em was alive - Ward had cleery killed him hadn't he not? I pondered. Em must be asked. I walked into the house and up and into his room where i new he wood be. He was sittinh on the bed, looking out the window at the Heavans, listening ironically to Evansensence's 'Bring Me Back to Life'. (Chrom: He listens to Evanescence?) (The ironic twist is that Emmett was brought back to life.)"Em." He turned around, and had teers in hiseys. "Em, how are..." I tok a breath. "How are you hear? Edward killed you, did he not?" (Chrom: Isn't he a vampire?) (Yes. Vampires are already dead.)Em looked up, with his deep brown eyes. I felt sorry for him. (Chrom: Didn't he have gold eyes?) (According to Smeyer, yes.)"James...James brought me back from the dead. He used a satanic ritual to -" (Chrom: Vampires can't use magic.) (They're already dead.)"DEMON SPAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111" I screamed and spat in his face and shoved him away with my fist. HE WAS HERE BECROSE OF LUFICER'S DOING?!?!?!1?! I held my fingers in a cross and backed away from him, praying to the Almighty incase he trying anything. He has a tainted soul!!!!!!!!!!!11 (Chrom: Vampires don't serve Lucifer.) (Only demons serve Lucifer.)"JON! JAON! IT"S NOT MY FOLT! James brought me back; he drug up my burned and cut up corpse and put me on a pentagola then used his wicked magics to raise me and make me back togather! I did not wano come back...not after..." He cried, and I felt sad. It wasn't his fault, but now he was a demonic Campire...how does one go about healing such a wound? (Chrom: I heard in the Cirque du Soleil books that vampires can heal themselves.) (The new name for vampire is campire.) I furrowed my brow and thought. It wasn't his fault, yet he was now clearly under the control of evil. Whatshould I do? (Chrom: You should leave Emmet alone.) (For the last time, vampires can't use magic.)I called the local church for guidance, without explaining the Cullens were Vampires of course. They sent me over a priest, and I went out to great him - THE CULLENS DIDN"T KNOW THIS WAS HAPPENING. (Chrom: Then, why did you just shout when everyone could hear you?) (Your local church must be a fundamentalist church.)I exited the door and the priest's green hatchback showed up (Erin: JEN I THINK YOU KNO WHO THIS IS LOL) and he exited. Out exited a tall white man with grey-and-brown-hair-and in a shortish cut (Erin: u no, guy hair), and a modest plaid shirt and black slacks. He had a fuzzy brown mustache and a gentle smile. It was, I recongised, FATHER JAMES HOLDEN!!!!!!!111 :3 (Chrom: The pastor is in this story?) (He doesn't look like a pastor.)“Good morning, Miss Joan St Sanctuary Lousia-Smith. I recall you from last weekend’s service. You were such a charming young lady.” (Chrom: Last time I checked, she was cussing like a sailor.) (And lusting after a random boy, so no. She's not charming and nice.)I bushed and Usher hymn inside the house quikly. We went up stairs, and Em prepared himself. He stripped down to his boxers and Father Holden dabbed his temple with holy water, and spoke a few words asking the lord to bless and take care of Em during the Ordeal. (Chrom: You were a bush?) (Isn't he going to burn up if there was holy water splattered on him?)The father then started chanting something in what I could only guess to be Latino. Em's sobbing stopped and his now white eyes rolled up and into his head. His mouth fell open, and he began vibratoring. (Chrom: Latino's don't speak like that.) (I'm guessing it's Latin he's speaking.)He LEFTED OFF THE GROUND, AND STARTED SLOWLY SPINNING AROUND AND BEGAN CHANTING SOME STRANGE TOUNGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (Chrom: Is this a rip-off of the Exorcist movie?) (That's not what an exorcism looks like.)Father Holden struggled against the energy comming off Emo, and flacked Holy Water at him from the wall. I almost fell over!!!! (Chrom: Emmett is not emo.) (You can't splash holy water on him. He'll burn.)I starnge, suppernatral wines began to blow and the room shook, and THINGS FELL EVERYWHERE. I SCREMEAD. (Chrom: The wine was supernatural?) (She's strange.)
Finally, Father Holden seemed to be winning and threw all his water at Em shouting "Unheavenly influence, be gone from the mortal plane, THYNE LORD COMMANDS IT SO!" over and over. Em began whirling about, faster and faster, then slower, and sower then he stopped and fell to the ground in a heap. We dragged him to his feet and into his bed, where the Father checked his vitals. (Chrom: Vampires spin in the air?) (Vampires are alive in this shitfic?)"He'll be fine. Thank you for contacting me, Miss Joan. It's rare we see demonic forces at work on this world, but when we do..." I nodded and he went. I waved him goodbye outside b4 going back to Em. (Chrom: He didn't finish his sentence.) (Demonic forces will invade Erin's room.)He looked adorable asleep, almost like Ward. They were related after all...I brushed my hair and smiled. I could tell everyone Em was now safe, but James...he was still a danger we must deal with. (Chrom: You're smiling because you're an arrogant bitch.) (And James is still dead.)33333333333 lol you know what I imagined the love hearts to look like? Cats in party hats with the hat pushed a bit down lol!!!! Anyway, thanks for reading. Cya next chapter. xoxoxoxoxoxo (Chrom: Cats with party hats are the heart emoticons.) (And the kiss divider returns.)That chapter was a horrible rip-off of the Exorcist movie. Chapter 15 will be up tomorrow. Until next time, have a wonderful day, fellow snarkers.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 24, 2013 15:01:22 GMT -8
We're back for Chapter 15! Have a bottle of brain bleach on hand because it's going to hurt a real lot.
Chapter 15 - Moonlite Soonatah (Chrom: *sarcasm* Thank you for ruining my favorite Beethoven masterpiece.) (I don't think the chapter name has something to do with the actual chapter.)
YO! Sorry I've gotten a tad lazy of late but i'll tru not to from now on! REGULAR UPDATES AGAIN! I promiss. And seriously you nasty reviwoes, STOP. I"VE ASKED AND ASKED AND ASKED BUT YOU DON"T! GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!111111 ok so for the NICE PEOPLE, on with the show! :3 Oh yeah, these love harts are kittren! NAWWWWWWWWW! :3 :3:3L3:3:3:3:3:3:3:3 (Chrom: But, God loves us just the way we are.) (This failfic will never go away. We're all doomed.)
Night came and I walked outside. Em was k so I had left him to deal with his life/fate. I condisered calling the old manfart to tell him wear I was but he'd probably yell at me so I just send a text saying I'd be home sometime. Drunken bastard. I flapped the hair out of my gemstoned green eyes and looked into the sky from da bacony. It wa night. There were stars and they all glistteresd at me and I smiled back. tI was beutiful. (Chrom: Your father is probably worried about you.) (And your father was not drunk. He knows that you need to be home.)
I had changed into a black gown becorse Al (Erni: Alice shortend) decided to trade clothes wtih me so I could wear some of her nice oldern day stuff; not quite a little black dress but it went but my nis. I had also used a makeup on my face and Maybalean Mascara for the eyes (Joan: Long Lashes Urdition for the win!) (Chrom: Al is a boy's name. Change it back to Alice.) (Long lashes makes your eyes itch.)
THe wind ruslet against me, my smooth creme skin rippling under the koonlgiht. I shived, and warm arms raped around me. I felt a warm, genital breath on my neck. I new it was hymn. (Chrom: The misspelling makes me cringe.) (It's Pedobear.)
"Ward..." I spoke softly and elegantly. (Chrom: You're far from elegant.) (His name's Edward. Not Ward.)
"Jaon...I love you..." He spoke deliciously and i wanted hymn but then i remembers the bad stuff he had done and pulled gently away from his graps. (Chrom: His voice was delicious?) (What bad stuff did he do?)
"What is wrong Joan?" He asked.
"Have you fotalked to Em?" I answered, THe wind ruslet against me, "Have you" (Chrom: The wind rustled, you mean?) (Fotalked? What does that mean?)
He walked up to me and planted a kidd on my back of my head. I tore away again. Devine ass he may b, but he had to answer - he had cleansed hymnself, but...he still had to talk to Em to make it rite. (Chrom: He put a kid on the back of your head?) (Edward does need to talk to Emmett to see if he's okay.)
"Joan, I...I'll speak to him and forgive him."
"He folwoled thine Lord's TEECHINGS! He has nothing to fagrave!" I cried and ran off the balcony. Ward grabbed me and held me in hisarms. (Chrom: He's now speaking in Shakespearean.) (Emmett dug his own grave?)
"Joan, I will...what is bothering you? I know you. You don't become this upset...unless...is...it...something...to...to...do...with...me, Joan..?" (Chrom: He's stuttering?) (He's probably shy.)
"Yes, it is. I love you too deeply to let this pass, especially with james on the loss. I...I...I need to know if you'll ever beetray me." (Chrom: He'll betray you soon enough.) (Obviously, he's evil.)
Ward looked shocked, so I walked up to hymn to explain.
"I love you Ward, I feel sif I always have. I canot invest myself knowing you might hurt me." (Chrom: That sentence doesn't make sense at all.) (You don't love him. You lust for him.)
He looked at the ground. "Joan I never could -"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!1" I screamed. Ward was surprised. "No, Ward, I meen I neas to no if you'll want to be with me forever. I promise I'll never hurt you or beetray u." (Chrom: And there goes the chatspeak.) (The suspense is killing me.)
"What do you mean, Erin?"
"I meae...I cannot stand the idea of you ever betraying me for another woman. I want you Ward, and only you." I thought of Jay. I could never beetray Ward...wasn't it right to ask the same? "I want to marry you...and...I want to beclaim a Vampore. (Chrom: The very idea of marrying someone just because they look good disgusts me.) (If you marry Eddie, does he want to make you a vampire?)
he walked to the Baclkony. "I don't know if I can...it's barly enough to keep control of myself. I understand Jasme, and why he wants you...you smell too wunderfool for this world. I don't think we should see eachother again Joan; we'll proctract you from James, but then we musk part. It the best for us both." he had treeas falling from his amba eyes. (Chrom: Vampires don't cry, you fucking idiot.) (Yay! Eddie calls off the marriage.)
He flew away. (Chrom: Vampires fly?) (When they turn into bats, yes. Sparklepires don't fly.)
33333333#,3
Poor Joan! Will Ward commit to her..? Find out sometime soon! ^_^ lol Becca told me of this emoticon, so thanks to her! And you people, you no who u are. Don't fucking flame. I'm sick off your PATHECIT LIVES!!!!!! (Chrom: Your life is pathetic.) (Eddie will probably leave her.)
Just when the chapter was starting, now we got a marriage on our hands. My god, somebody shoot this Sue before I go crazy. Chapter 16 will be up tomorrow. Until next time, have a nice day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 25, 2013 12:37:28 GMT -8
It's that time again, fellow snarkers. Here's Chapter 16 with some woobie vibes from the backstabbing.
16 – Goen. (Chrom: Does that mean that Edward is gone?) (Switch the two letters and you have a correct word.)
Hey Jenny, guess what? YOUR A SLUT! FUCK YOU I TOLD YOU I LIKED TIM BUT DID YOU CARE NO WELL PAYBACK BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHA! Love you but seriously, eye for a fucking eye. And to everyone enjoy. I really am not in the mode for yor SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 (Chrom: I actually felt sorry for Jenny. It's not like it's her own fault for having a worse friend in Erin.) (We get to see the bipolar side of Erin.)
333333 (EXCEPT NOT TO CERTAIN PEOPLE!) (Chrom: We're not nice to you?) (Girl, please, we think your story sucks donkey ass.)
I went hoem to my fathters that nite. I felt butter at the world; had Ward had just dumped me and i was so upset, I couldn’t stop crying? I looked myself in my room and watched the moon thru the windew. (Chrom: You were butter?) (You're just copying Bella's zombie mode.)
How could he dump me? DID he dump me? Leaving your girldriend after a talk like that I dunno. He had bean so mean...He had just leafed me becorse I was hot. It was UNFARE!!!111 I wandered if this was how Jesus had felt being beetrayd by Jewdas. (Chrom: People don't leave you because you're hot. They leave you because you're a jerk.) (Good job, Eddie. Now, go find some other girl who has real class.)
I went flacid at the idea of living without Ward. I fell to the bed and I cried some more into my pillow and then I went to sleep, crying and teery. (Chrom: I think you meant that you were limping.) (Great. Now, I'm depressed, too.)
The next morning I woke up hopping that everything had just been a bad dream, but when I got out of bed I saw all the pictures that were of me and Word had been ripped up. He had comed in my room that nite and taken everything that reminded me of him!! I felt so sad so I rung Janny. She would no what to do, and owed me after I had pretty much set her up with buth Jay and Em. (Chrom: You just called Jenny a bitch. She'll ignore you.) (You had pictures of you and Eddie? Since when?)
“Erin! WERD LEFT ME!!!!!!!!!!!111” I sreamed down the into phone. (Chrom: Isn't her name Jenny?) (And you don't scream into the phone. That's not polite.)
“Om mi good!?! Why did he leeve you?” Jenny asked me in concerning tone of voice.
“Because out of all the ironys I am too hot!” I told her, I was angry now. Then I explained with the bloodlist and the James and the commitment iddues. (Chrom: He didn't want to marry you because of how slutty you are.) (He can't dump you because you're hot.)
"I will came over.” Jen told me and she hang up.
Then, still crying, I got into my blue polo fleas and cream skirt with the black stockings and black stilletos, and applied Mayballean again with blue eyeliner this time. I syed my hair brown becose I had become sick of red. (Chrom: We don't give a shit about you describing your clothes.) (No girl dresses like the way you are.)
Jenny drove her car ovah that she got for her brithday , it was white and really pretty and curvy (Erin: Like her, naww :3 love you girl no homo k). She got out and come in my hou\yse. We sat at the table togather and I told her what Ward had told me the nite befour. (Chrom: You're a homophobe.) (And flashback time.)
“How could he leaf ou! your too hot for him.” Jenny said, trying to make me fell batter. I did becorse she was right, I was too hot for him, but only just and I still missd hymn really bad. he was the love on my life... (Chrom: These girls are prostitutes.) (I second that opinion.)
Then Fernando walked into hose, he looked at us and Jenny ran up to him and gave him a hug. (Chrom: Isn't this guy, Jacob?) (She's dating an old man.)
“You didn’t tell eme you were coming ovar!” Jenny sqeeeed and kissed him on the check. (Chrom: Oh, great. The fangirl squeal.) (She's not dating Emmett anymore?)
“What is rong Jaosn?” Jacob asked me, shirt rippling with mussles as his Native Indian face was perplexment. (Erin: BEST DRESCRITPION EVER!) (Chrom: Stephanie Meyer's descriptions are better if I can understand what she is saying.) (It's not a best description, it sucks.)
“Word broak up with me becorse I smelt two good.” I told him and he frawned. (Chrom: He's frowning because you're a whore.) (And no guy can break up with you if you smell good.)
“I didn’t like him, I new he was a bad vampfire.” He said, spitting at the ground. He cared for my honor THAT much...? It was intrusting. (Chrom: Vampfire? Really, suethor?) (Why should he care about your honor?)
I locked away from him though, i didn’t want him calling EWad a bad person. Espechally when Ward had saved my live! (Chrom: Of course, you can't say bad things about the person who saved your life.) (You locked the door.)
“He isn;t bad...but we have issues we need to sort. He wants to ate me all the time and I need to be with hymn forever as i shoulf.” I said and tears flopped from my eyes. (Chrom: He's going to eat you soon.) (That's dangerous, Joan.)
Jacob came over and hugged me, jenny didn’t mine becorse we are all frends and she nows I wouldn’t pull anything on her boyfriend. (Chrom: And yet, you've proven to be a backstabbing bitch.) (Who needs friends when you can backstab them in Death Note-esque levels.)
“it will be ok,” Jay told me, striking my hair with his soft hand. I snoggled into his body, he was really warm and comfortle. I didn’t want to let him go but I had to becase Jenny was looking glaringly at me from over his shelder.I cussed myself for having such a moment of weakness, but Jenny eased and Jay didn't seem to have any idea so I kept my mouth shut. I was sad, I wasn't doing anything. (Chrom: Are all Meyerwolves this stupid?) (He's striking her hair. Dear god, not the hair.)
We then all went up to my room because Dad was coming home from the factory and he would want us out of his way. We all lied on my bed together and looked at the roaf. I was beteen Jen and Jacob, but jen was doing it to make me feal better. She is the best person ever, and I love her lots. (Chrom: You don't love her.) (In fact, you said you hated her.)
“what are you going to do now that Wurd is goen?” Jenny asked me and I felt lyke cring again. (Chrom: He's going to find another person who cares about him.) (Remember, outer beauty is not good as inner beauty.)
“I don’t know, I miss him so much, and i love him lots. HE ISN"T FUCKING GONE WE JUST HAD A SPATE!” I yelled and puched my pillow in the face. HIS face. Feathers came out and landed on Js nose. He blew it off and we started laughing and I felt better. He gave me a cute smile and i returned it. Then I remambered Jen so I got off the bed and made them get closer together. I desired to leaf them along so I left the room and went out the back. Jen and Jacob stayed in the room togather. (Chrom: You punched his face? That's awfully rude.) (Oh, this is the beginning of schizophrenic love all over again.)
Out the back I sdat onder a tree and thinked. Edward and his family had gone from my life, and all becaye of me. After i was safe from Jims...I would be alone. New friends in a new school, a new town...a new...world. It hurt so much, my stomach felt sick. All of a sudden Jacob was behind me and he sat down. (Chrom: No, not Jacob. Anything but him.) (He's fallen under her spell.)
Wheres jenny?” I asked him sucupisouly (Chrom: She makes it sound like Jacob's cheating on his girlfriend.) (And we'll soon find out.)
She had to go home, her mother called her...” Jacob said. "Do you want to come to my hose?” (Chrom: He has a hose?) (It's a house he's talking about.)
I nodded, i had nothing bettar to do. We both got off.
"Ok I will go to your place.”
Fenando's house was in the next town. His dad was in a wheelchair and didn’t say anything to us as we walked in and to his room. His room was big and messy as smelt like werewoof. It was weird but i actually liked the smell of his room. Jay sat down and watched me. (Chrom: Perfect. His house smells like dog.) (Jacob watches you when you sleep? Weird.)
“Are you still going to kull jom?” (Chrom: He agreed to it, so yes.) (James must be killed.)
“Yes, I won let him hurt you, I don’t want him to kull someone...as bootaful as you.” (Chrom: Am I only one who thinks that he's cheating on his girlfriend to be with Joan?) (You're not the only one.)
I blushed, he was really sweet. He smiled cutly and i walked over to him and hugged him. Maybe...maybe, I had a thought (Erin: A HORRID AND WRONG THOUGHT) that maybe Ward wasn't all there was in my love life. I smiled, and looked to the new day but... (Chrom: You're horrible.) (And you're seducing Jacob.)
JENNY WAS THE WINDOW!!!!!!!1111111 (Chrom: The most funniest quote ever.) (She transforms into a window. Maybe I can, too!)
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FUCK YOU JENNY YOU THEIVEING WHORE! GOD SMITE YOU FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH! AND YOU TOO YOU SINNING F-BAGS! : (Chrom: You're acting like Frollo now. You know, he was a hypocrite.) (And God doesn't like hypocrites like you.)
This time, Jacob is being seduced by Joan. Oh, the irony. Next up, is the revenge chapter we've all been waiting for. Until next time, have a wonderful day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 26, 2013 14:06:46 GMT -8
Chapter 17 otherwise known as the first revenge chapter is up. I'll be having a lot of fun snarking this revenge chapter.
Chapter 17 - REVENGE?(Chrom: That's great. Our first revenge chapter is here.) (Yeah, this should be fun.) This is a different chapter. It's a special chapter that sort o doesn't fit in the stori but I put it in BEOCES IT IS INPOTANT TO HAVE THIS. SO THIS IS NON CANNONICALE! Dedicated to some crazy people who review me. (Chrom: Crazy people?) (She means the snarkers.)
/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3/3 (FUCK U)
I was walking down the street, happi ass could be. I was in a beautiful long blue gown, shimmering lik perky stars (size 8 becoause I'm slim and sexah), blonde heels and beautiful blue tinted madeup. I had a boyfriend named Ward, who was a hot and sexah and LOVING Christian Vampire. I have friends like my BFs Jenny, Becca, Lana and Dan. I have new awesome friends lik EM AND ALICE AND MC AND CHARLISE AND JAY AND JAPSTER AND ROSE AND ALICE WHO ACTUALLY CARD. We were all Christains and living, PURE AHPPY LIFES. (Chrom: Hmm. I'm well-built, but I'm not very skinny like you are.) (Vampires can't be Christian. That's like saying that Lucifer is Buddhist.)
As I was walking I saw a group of people. At least, I tought they were people but they were so mangy. They all looked like scraggily old weomin with BAD NASTY HAIR and UNLOVABLE FACES that drooped with oldness like thier boobs did to the ground! They looked like homeless people who had been hit by cars and beaten thth the uglah STCIK!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 (Chrom: That's not true. A lot of old people still look good.) (And old people are nice, too. You're just conceited.)
THey all looked at me like a pack of wolves and ran at me, arms out drooling. I screemas! (Chrom: Arms can't drool.) (What's next? You're going to runnas?)
"JOAN ST SANCTUART LOUSIA_SMITH! JOAN SN SANTUARY LIYSA_SMITH!!!!!!111111" They roared at me with a nasty primal rage, almost tliek THEY WERE DEMONDS (Chrom: Not all demons are ugly. Some of them look beautiful.) (Are demons always this angry?)
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, keep awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" I screamed and hoped Wdar or Jay or someone would save me! These were clearly Unchristian Vampires!!!!!!!!!11111 :'O (Chrom: Of course they are, they turned their back from God.) (Instead of waiting for your vamp boyfriend to save you, why don't you fight back?)
They jump tackled me and I went to the ground and they were about to start hitting me, when WARD AND JAY CAME TO THE DAY! (Chrom: They jumped and tackled you at the same time?) (Demons can attack you? In broad daylight?)
They beet the motherfuckers off, breaking thier lims and nose s and tits leaving them a pile of slag (WHICH IS WHAT THEY ALWAYS WERE). (Chrom: Boobs can be broken?) (Slag? What's that?)
"EJON, BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" THEy hissed at mi and I cried and Ward hugged me and Jay spat at them and kicked one flammig burd in da faices! (Chrom: That flaming bird was a snarker.) (Jay spits on old people? How rude!)
"WE WERE JELOSU OF YOU AND THE VAMPIRES HOW YOU WERE LIVING WHOLESOM CHRUCHTIAN LIVES WHILST WE LOVED IN SQUALLA AND SIN! WE HATE YOU AND HAVE NO LIVES AND ARE COMPLETLY UN LOVABLELE!" (Chrom: That's not true! You guys are lovable.) (You have lives! Don't believe what Joan tells you!)
"WE HATE YOU FOR NO RAISEN AND SHIT ON YOUR WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE HAVE DEDICATED A SITGH TO YOU WEVEN TO CONCORD AND CONSPIRACY!" (Chrom: You hate them for a reason.) (No. You dedicated a site for all things Anti-Twilight.)
THEY SHOWED Me and I was horrifold. WHY HAD THESE EVIL PEOPLE DONE THIS? (Chrom: Because they want to help you.) (And they want your fanfic taken down.)
"Leave me alone!" I screamed "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111111111111111111111" (Chrom: Caps rape in 3.. 2... 1...) (You don't have to the press the caps lock and the number 1 key many times to state your point.)
They we bundled them off and threw the sinning assholes off a cliff. Then The Lord himself came and pivoted them to HELL with a cunt punch. We winked at eachother and The Almoty went away. I had a happy day after that BECORSE IT WAS ONE MORE EVIL GONE. (Chrom: But, they'll return.) (What's a cunt punch? Is that even a word?)
I was walking down the street when (Chrom: That's it? There was no meaning to this chapter.) (Erin, you are one sick bitch.)
That's it for this chapter. I feel sorry for those of you who got put in one of her revenge chapters. Chapter 18 will come tomorrow. Until next time, have a nice day and don't let this religious nutcase get you down.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 28, 2013 8:40:27 GMT -8
Chapter 18 is up. Let the hilarious lulz begin! 18 – Leap of Fiath (Chrom: And we're back to a vaguely named chapter that somewhat resembles what the Bible is about.) (Fiath? Is that a new continent in Middle Earth?)YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! YOU! STOP and love you all every1 else. God looks upon thyne and smiles :3 (Chrom: The cat face emoticon returns.) (The everyone else who likes this chapter are all dumb blondes.)333333333 I pashed away from Jay because Jenny was staring in all angry like. Oh no! (Chrom: Didn't you mean pushed away?) (You don't have to use emoticons to express your feelings. Just a description of how you feel would be better.)“I didn’t do anything! SERIOUS?!?!?” I said but Jenny walked thru the room and i thought she was going to slwp me. FeJay did nto saw anything becorse I think she was felling gilty about cuming onto me. (Chrom: She is going to bitch-slap you because you seduced her old man/werewolf boyfriend.) (FeJay got a sex change? That is just hilarious.)“Jenny I wouldn’t crack onto your boffriend!!!!! WTF?!?1" I said sadly. Jenny warked past me and went to Jay. (Chrom: Crack? Is she selling crack to Jay?) (Warked? Isn't it supposed to be walked?)“I don’t want to be wiff you, your a man slut and I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!11111” She shooted at him and slapped him and then she left, but not before giving me an EVIL NON-BEST-FREIND-GLARE!!!!!!111 (Chrom: Man slut? I doubt he's actually a prostitute.) (She must be good at giving evil glares.)Jay looked upset and as thou he was going to cri. I hugged him again, and accidently admired how taught his mussles were. Damn he was a sexah wolf and he kneeded me. (Chrom: She's speaking Shakespearean?) (We have a love triangle on our hands now.)"It's ok, ok she will come back to you!’ I was trying to make him fell bettar becoz I didn’t went him to be sad and upset over Jenny. She flared up sometimes, like my queef sister does sumtimes. (Chrom: Queef sister? Is she from South Park?) (Jenny will never come back to a man who cheats on his girlfriend.)Jay srugged and shat down on his bed, I sat with him agan. This time we didn’t cuddle becor I new it woudnt be a good idéa - Jenny could come back in any moment and we were! (Chrom: Jenny has to check on him.) (Jay shits on his bed? Awkward...)Jay didn’t say anything so I desided it was time for me to go home. I said goodbye to Fatnando and left his house and went home. He waved. (Chrom: Fernando is fat?) (Redundant sentence is redundant... Again.)I was tried when I got home so I went straight to bed, changing into my uber hot Arab Princess laungeray, it is black with white frills and made with foreign silks. I felt really stressed with everything that had happened that day so i felt asleep. (Chrom: She's Arabian?) (How does she get those kind of clothes?)That night, images of Ward troblled me, and I felt guilty. I had given in to Lust almost, and beetrayed my beloved! A guilt swept over me but then it went. (Chrom: Ward trolled you?) (Obviously, you have committed the most deadliest sin of all, lust.)The next morning I woke up and the sun was out. I thought bout Wad and the dream and Jay and Jenny and i started to tear. I missed him so much. I thought about runging Jenny btu then I remembered that she was anger at me. So i rung Fenando. (Chrom: You started to cry, you mean?) (Jenny's still angry at you, but don't worry. You still have your Meyerpire friends.)"Keh?" "Hey Funado! Is Ward in?" (Chrom: Funado? He sounds like fun.) (Ward's off righting his wrongs.)Frendtaro's voice sounded old but happy. He was a good man, almoss nice like Father James but he kicked his ass in niceness. (Chrom: He sounds like something out of Hamtaro.) (He kicked ass in kindness.)“Helo,” J said when he anwered the phone. He sounded wearwolfy and Indian. (Chrom: Isn't this Jacob?) (She mixes those two guys up very frequently.)“Hi Jacuyb,:I said seductivy in an errotic manner (Chrom: And yet, you're still trying to seduce him.) (Now, I'm worried that she might be giving in to lust.)“Oh, hi Joan,” he relied happly (Chrom: He's relying on her?) (He must be happy if he's relying on her.)“Is everything ok with you in Jen?” i asked “no,” he said, he cleerly dint want to talk about it. “Do you want to cume rond?” I asked (Chrom: You know better than to cum in front of a werewolf.) (This is awkward...)“Okay, said Fenando. I took the time to pray and to dress in a hawt black mini with white stockings and heals, a blue frilled summeh dresstop thing and tied my hair into a ponytail and applied sexah mascara and blue lipstick for an exotic look. Then he was outside my house in a tight blak top and demin jeans and sneakers. He looked fucking bad ass. (Chrom: You don't have to dress like a whore to impress him.) (And you're still praying. You don't have to pray every time you go out unless it's for religious reasons.)I let him in the door then my phone ring, it was Al! (Chrom: How did poor Alphonse from Fullmetal Alchemist get into this story?) (I'm guessing this must be Alice.)“Hey Joan..........I need to talk to you, I am coming over.” (Chrom: Did she turn on spell-check?) (Every word is spelt correctly. Great Scott, did Joan finally had a brain?)“K, I said. But my heart was cold. It clearly was going to have to do with Ward...I looked at Jay guilty and looked away, brewdingly. It was ominous (Erin: ) (Chrom: Nope. She just suffered from momentary sanity.) (It's back to misspelling every third word.)Then Al was out the front had a pute white gown on with black stockings and heals and looked haot. (Chrom: You're officially lesbian.) (Alice must wear some pretty neat clothes.)I went out to met her, leaving Jay in the house. “What is it Alic?” I asked “It’s Wead...He..." She brust into tears, sniffling and looked sad. I frowned. Jay frowned. (Chrom: No conjunctions in this sentence.) (And another misspelling of Ward's name.)"Ward is going to kill himself becus he is sad over leaving you!” (Chrom: It's a copy of Eclipse.) (And Ward would probably cut his wrists.)"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!111111111", I yellowed, because I had been such a bitch be be so mean to hymn and make him consider THE ULTIMATE SIN! (Erin: Joan is a bitch!) "He cant do that we have to stop him!! Where is he?!?!!" (Chrom: She is a bitch for being manipulative to Jacob.) (And there is a very long no. Seriously, stop abusing the number 1 key already.)Alci nnodded and we got in her car. "We have to leavc now, he is in Italy," She told me and I started to cry. he had ron to Euripe to escape me! (Chrom: Of course, he doesn't want to be with you.) (He's Italian.)"This is all my fault, I seamed "No it is not, he leaft you, Aliec told me, but I still felt angily. (Chrom: Angily? What does that even mean?) (Aliec must be Alice's new name or her twin sister.)We spd dwn the road to get to the airpurt so we could catch a plane to erope. (Chrom: And they're off to Europe.) (The plane to Europe would probably take a long time to land in Italy.)33##33,# Ok I did have one cruiser lol but still, it isn't THAT BAD : ( (Chrom: One cruiser?) (It's bad enough for people to hurt their eyes trying to read it.)I honestly thought she turned on spell-check, but she just suffered from momentary sanity. Chapter 19 will be up today since I had to post this chapter, too. Until next time, have a great day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 28, 2013 9:27:51 GMT -8
I present to you, the next chapter of this snark. More lulz continues! Chapter 19 - Roma (Chrom: Isn't it supposed to be Rome?) (Yes. Isn't that supposed to be the gypsy race?)I RED WHAT U SAID YOU PRICKS! REMEMBER I NO DA LINKE?!!!!!1 GUESS WHAT YOU SUCK! YOU CANNOT REED OUT MAH STORIE PROPPERLY SO IF YOU CANNOT RRED YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE EVEN! FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCK FDUCKXS!SDN!!1111111111 SINARS!!!!!!!!!11111111111 xoxoxoxoxoxox! (Chrom: Her keyboard must've broke after writing this author's note.) (Or, she might've lost her sanity again.)333333 We lanted on da runway and we ejaculated from the plain. Rupe seemed a cool and forain place and was hawt (Erin: WEATHER WIZ NOT! As in clothes hawt.). I looked at Alic eand Jay and smiled sadly at them with teers proppeling from my eyes. I was sad and crying – WE HAD TO FIND WARD!!!!!!!!!!!1111 (Chrom: Uh, doesn't the word, ejaculated, have something to do with sex?) (The plane doesn't have a penis.)We ran down and to the airport and asked. No 1 had seen hymn. So we ran around the area asking for a while, when Alice stopped. She seemed to pander for a moment. (Chrom: She's a panda?) (I think she's pondering.)“Ward migrh gone to see the Vampire Mafia!” (Chrom: The Vampire Mafia?) (More like the Volturi Mafia.)“Who are they?” I assed. (Chrom: My gods, the misspelling couldn't be more worse...) (Sounds like she's pulling something out of her ass.)“When a vampire breaks the laws of the Cvampe World they have to answer to a secret governing bo of Vampires called the Vampire Mafia! Ward knows they all live here and so do I! that mesne he might be asking to be kulles for loving you so he may go to heaven still!” (Chrom: Cvampe? What's that?) (It's a new species of Meyerpire.)I was confused – it isn't a sin to love (Erin: so long as it's natural) so why kill hymnselld? (Chrom: Hymnselid? Who's that?) (I don't know. One of her friends we haven't seen?)“Why wood he? IT IS NOT A SIN TO LOVE ME?!?”!!11” (Chrom: It's a sin to lust after him.) (Don't you get that lust is a sin?)“I know Bella, but Edward beloves in an older and OUTDATED branch of Vampire Chrisanthinum. It is still technically a sin so he cold not go to heathen if he marrieds you.” (Chrom: Is that some kind of rare species of butterfly?) (If he sinned, he should go to hell.)I was shocked. Ward would have given up heven for ME? I was better than eternal paradise to hymn?!?!?!1 I feel to my knees and cryed – Oh Ward, how I had forsaken you! (Erin: Serves her right STUPID BITCH!!!11111) Fuck Jleb – how could of of started loving him?! He touched my shoulder but I brushed away anstily. (Chrom: Even the suethor acknowledges Joan's bitchfits.) (If a guy touches me like that, I'll brush him away, too.)They helped me to my feet and we flew away to the head of the Vampir Mafia Heedqatters thing place (Erin: Alice woked out ok?). It was under THE COLLOSOM! It was white and old, crumbling away at places. Alice took us to a secret part in the corner and pressed a button. (Chrom: Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Volturi reside in Volterra?) (Hmm. You know, they do live there in the actual book. Looks like she didn't do any research.)The walls shook, and heaved and then they slid away to revail a STARCASE!!!!!!1111 (Chrom: You guys must be stupid to hide your secret hideout by installing a moving staircase.) (It must be Harry Potter's house.)We walked down! (Chrom: To the dungeon.) (No. Better yet, to the dungeon of horrors! *starts laughing manically*)33333333 My apologies, I had an erratic schedule and had to post two chapters twice. Chapter 20 will come tomorrow. Until next time, have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 29, 2013 15:31:08 GMT -8
The 20th chapter is here! No need to worry, it's a short chapter.
Chapter 20 – Thy love (Chrom: Does that mean Edward's coming back?) (Only this chapter will tell.)
AN: you are all jealous of my story and who meny reviows it has got. That is why you are being meen. I prey that you will lern to be nice and not be meen all ladys. Thanks to becca and Jenny for being my friend and halping me. (Chrom: Who's Becca?) (Her other friend. And Erin, we're not jealous of your story. In fact, your story sucks ass.)
333 I love God and God loves me 333 (Chrom: Does that mean that God's having an affair with a possibly seventeen-year-old girl?) (Maybe. Though, it could possibly mean her love for God as a Christian.)
Down the stars there was a light. It was big a brigt and lit the hole room. In the middal of the room were the Vampire mafia. They didn’t look nice and I saw scared. But Alice was with me so I stooped becing scared and we waled to the mafia. (Chrom: They walled to the Mafia?) (She saw a scare?)
“What are you doing here?” The old man in the front asked me meanly. (Chrom: The old man must be one of the Volturi.) (And he doesn't have a name yet?)
Al spoke next.
“We need you to save ward!” Al said. (Chrom: And destroy him.) (If you guys save Ward, I pray somebody in this chapter kills him before it's too late.)
“No, we will not save ward. He is breeking the rules and he is not aloud too.” The old man said angrily. He looked mean and like he want to et me. I fell sad that they would not save ward and they were going to kull him. I got anger. (Chrom: You got some anger. Are you going to put that in the bag?) (Edward is breaking the rules. He's not allowed to be out in sunlight.)
“HE DID NOHING RONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111!” I shoted maddeningly. (Chrom: You support shotacon with an angry face?) (He did something wrong.)
The old man walled over to me and lock me in the eye. (Chrom: He pushed you to a wall?) (And locked you in the room?)
“Yes he did you human, now I will eate you.” He bunt down to bite my neek. (Chrom: Worst insult ever.) (He's going to kill her! Yes! Hahahahaha!)
Then Al kicked him and grebbed me away and dragged me from the old man. (Chrom: And the old man still doesn't have a name.) (Alice must've kicked him in the shins.)
We ran away from the anger vampiters and into the sun becorse they wouldn’t come into thew sun becorse peple would see them sparkle and then they would be founded out. (Chrom: Run-on sentence is a run-on.) (They're flying to the sun?)
“What are we going to do now?” I cried cryingly. I new Word was going to be dead. (Chrom: How can you cry cryingly?) (Can you at least drop the redundant verbs there?)
Al sat next to me and we cried on the sideward. Then I had an inspuration. (Chrom: Let me guess... A person involved with holy affairs is going to be involved.) (It's Chuck Norris.)
“THE POPE!!!!” I shooted and jumped up. (Chrom: The Pope doesn't have time for this.) (He needs to stay and do his holy affairs like doing charity work.)
Then me and Alice ran to the vaticat. (Chrom: The Vatican City, I presume?) (The vaticat sounds like a new lolcat.)
The pope was siting in a char in the middel of the vaticat. (Chrom: I'm going to pretend that I'm sitting in my throne in the middle of the Halidom of Ylisse.) (Who sits there in the middle of the Vatican City where you could just enter the Pope's chamber through the temple?)
“What can I do for you holy ones?” He asked in his kind kindly voice. (Chrom: I doubt the Pope speaks like that.) (The Pope is too kind...)
“We need to you to save a fallow christen. “ I told him and he glot out of his set. (Chrom: He glotted out of his seat?) (Edward's name is Christen?)
“Quick fallow me.”
He led us to the back and there was a car. It was the pope mobile, it looked like the bat mobile but it was the pope mobile. We got in the pope mobile and the Pope drove it fastly to were Edward was in the middal of Rom. (Chrom: Blatant rip-off of the already badass Batmobile.) (Is the world really small in Erin's world?)
“The he is” I pointed to Ward who was in the middal of the street. (Chrom: He's selling something at market.) (Edward's walking in the middle of the street.)
The poep pulled over and jumped out fo the car. (Chrom: Cue the explosions.) (And the people inside dying.)
“I am hear to save tyou!” The pope shouted and pulled out his popestick. (Chrom: The Popestick? What kind of weapon is that?) (It must be a staff he's wielding. So, he's of the Priest class?)
He waved his popestick and then Ward feinted. He fall on the ground and the poep picked him up and puyt him n the pope mobile. Then we got back in and went back tot he vaticat. (Chrom: You have the wrong word. Feinting is when you fake a punch.) (He puts Edward in the trunk.)
In a chamer in the vaticat we put Warde on a bed and the Pope started canting old christen words and he waed his pope stick thru the air like a sworde. Then edwrd woke up. (Chrom: The Popestick is not a sword. Believe me, I know.) (The Popestick must be a magical wand!)
“Jone,” He said when he saw me stanign ner him. (Chrom: Does that mean Joan is a boy now?) (Hugo Smith has a son.)
“Ward I hagged him and he hagged me back. (Chrom: They're both hags?) (They're witches! Burn the witch!)
“I love you” he tood me.
“I love you too,” Edward stared and kussed my check. (Chrom: The checking account came back.) (And the word, kissed, is misspelled yet again.)
The pope smelled and put his hand on Edwards solider. (Chrom: Edward's soldier came back.) (And the Pope is creepy. Seriously, who smells a vampire?)
“Your farth in jesus saved you.” The pope told him and Ward looked un suicidal. (Chrom: Jesus' farts saved him.) (Edward stopped cutting his wrists when he heard Jesus' farts.)
Al and me were smelling. We had sazved Ward. But Jey didn’t lool happe. I think he wasnted Edward to suicide but then that wouldn’t be christen and I couldn’t love someone that wasn’t christen. We went tot he plan. (Chrom: Isn't it creepy that Joan and Alice are smelling each other?) (Yes. Yes, it is.)
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A/N: Oh no pour Jacon. But now Edward is save. What will happen next? God loves all good revowers. (Chrom: God loves everyone.) (She's speaking French now?)
Next chapter will come tomorrow. Until next time, have a great day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Nov 30, 2013 11:44:17 GMT -8
Chapter 21 is here at last! In a twist of events, we get some blasphemy of epic proportions.
21 – Deprestion (Chrom: Is this the chapter where Edward is depressed?) (He's in a coma last chapter, so this doesn't have to do with depression itself.)
AN: NOW YOU MADE ANOTHER BAD WEBSITE ABOUT ME YOU ARE ALL DEVIL WARSHIPPING SINNARS WITHOUT ANY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YOU ARE ALL MEEN UGLY PEEPLE THAT HATE CHRISTINAS. I PREY THAT YOU WILL ALL DISAPEAR AND LEF ME ALONE AND STOP BEENING SINNARS. (Chrom: We're not mean and we're not ugly.) (We're just snarkers, mind you.)
333333
We Got off the plain at froks. Edward was happy to be bac with me. Jay didn’t say anything. Jenny was weighting for us. Shed hugged Jay and kissed him. He was happy to be back with Jen. We all went back to my place becorse dad wood be at worl. We sat down. (Chrom: I think there's no airport in Forks. You're supposed to take the plane to Los Angeles and drive there.) (What does your father do?)
Jaspar came in the door. (Chrom: I thought his name was supposed to be Jasper.) (And we're getting a reference to Casper the Friendly Ghost.)
“You have to come home qick.”
We all stood up and fallowed jasper out the door. We went to wards house were MC was baking chocolate cake. Charlise was sitting in the middle of the room wating. (Chrom: Esme's a cook? Since when do vampires eat?) (Charlie Swan and Carlisle are fused together.)
“Joms mate is coming to Forks.” He tols us. I was sacred. Victoia wanted to get me for whart happend to Jams. (Chrom: Uh, who's James again?) (I honestly don't remember.)
“you will have to turn ingo a werewoof and help portec Erin,” Em told Fenando who torned into a woof and went outside. (Chrom: A dog's bark is what Jacob turns into?) (When did Inigo Montoya get into this story?)
“Ward you will have to take Joan to another place so he will be save.” He said and ward led me to were they keeped the Feraris. We got ina red one. Al, Jassar, Em and Roseli were staffing besife the casr. (Chrom: Ferraris are expensive.) (No wonder the whole Cullen family is rich.)
“They are going to be running with fenando to make sure that Victoria doesn’t gwet you.” Ward told me carlingly. Then he started to drove the car very fast. We were speading alone the roar. (Chrom: The road roars?) (Aw, how sweet. Edward cares for her...as a Mary Sue.)
Then A girl vampire with blode hair and evil eyes jumped in from of us. Word swored the car to go round her. She was going to jump thru the windscream to get me. Then out of no were Jay as a werewoof came and tackled her. Then everone else was there. They were all figting. Wad got out of the car and straight to fight too. (Chrom: It's an all-out attack on a woman.) (There's nothing good about beating up a woman, guys.)
They were all beating her up sexily but then she punched into ward hard and he fell backwords. (Chrom: What's sexy about beating up a woman? That's sexist!) (And if you're a man, aren't you supposed to not hurt a woman?)
I scremed really loud, ward was ded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 (Chrom: Yes, finally!) (*chuckles evilly* Finally, he's dead and out of sight. Exactly as planned. *slowly ascends into maniacal laughter*)
I jumpted out of the car and run over to Ward who was ded on the grond. I stared cring. I didn’t car if Victor was going to eat me. She had killed Edwrd. Then there was a light (Chrom: Edward's in Heaven.) (Victoria's a boy now?)
The pope was driving hs pope mobile at Victor. She ran way and then the Pope stopped. He got out of the Pope mobile and got his Pope stick out. We put edwart in the Pope mobile and we all got in it and went back to Charlise house. (Chrom: The Pope definitely has a commanding presence.) (Edwart Mullen from Nightlight is in this story, too?)
MC gave us all chocolate cake and we laif wod on the bed. The Pope got some holy water and put it on Ward fourhead. My tears were boosting out of my eyes. Jenny was crying to and hugging Fenando who had chanded back into a person. (Chrom: Edward has four heads.) (And her tears are bursting out of her eyes.)
Everyone wathed the Pope as he poked ward with his pope stick. But Ward wasn’t coming back to live. The Pope thrust his popestick in Edward but he stilled was ded. I new edwar was going to be ded forever. The pope looked said as he chanted ancent words and danced arond Edward. But noting worked. The pope’s popestick went down as he dropped it awey from ward. Jacob higged me and kissed my check. I was wet. (Chrom: You were wet? Since when?) (The Pope dances around like a jester?)
Then there was a light!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111 (Chrom: I wonder which religious figure is going to crash the party this time.) (I bet it's the son of God himself.)
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I am reely exsited about wahts going to happn in the next chapter. I luv you Jenny in a beast friend way. Love to all good reviewers and all good christanes. (Chrom: And love to all the snarkers.) (A beast friend? So, Jenny's a beast?)
The next chapter will come tomorrow. I had a feeling that it will soon come to light what Erin's true intentions in this badfic are. Until next time, have a nice day and stay warm.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Dec 1, 2013 10:34:20 GMT -8
The 22nd chapter is here, fellow snarkers! Everybody knows who crashes the party last chapter.
22 – Missire. (Chrom: I don't know what word this is.) (I think it's supposed to be Mission or another word.)
A/N; This is four all my food revouwers. Not the meen peeple who are evil and hate. I did noting wrang to you but you are being meen to me. SINNARS! (Chrom: Your reviewers are food?) (But, the Herald Chaos is flaming you now.)
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Out of the light stepped a man with a long breed and weering crucifix bling. (Chrom: Is it God?) (I think it's the Messiah.)
It was JESUS!!!!!!!!111!!! (Chrom: J-Jesus? The Messiah himself in this shitfic?!) (Oh, great. Even the Son of God interferes with Joan's plight.)
Everyone was studden becase Jesus was satanign there looking at us. He pointed his finger at wart and he came back to live. I ran over and hugged ward. (Chrom: I doubt he's Satan in disguise.) (Of course, Jesus has magical powers in this badfic.)
“Thank you, jesus,” I said and bowed. (Chrom: I don't think you should be bowing before the Son of God. He's not really royalty.) (Either way, it's still polite.)
“Its K,” Jesus said. He was wereing a long jacket and had lots of gold chains with crosses on them. (Chrom: I thought Jesus wore a long, white robe.) (Is that what Jesus from Family Guy wore?)
“Were did you come from?” Jenny asked, she was starring at Jesus becaue she was surplused. (Chrom: You meant that Jenny was surprised.) (She was probably staring at him because he's the Messiah.)
“I have come to earhs to protect you from the coming eval.” He told us then he clucked his fingers and disperse. (Chrom: He dispersed into thin air. What evil is he talking about?) (He must be a magician!)
Jeus had said he would come back so we had to weight for him. I was gald Jesus had resorted edwrd. The pope was lefting, he said bye and got in his pope mobile and went away. (Chrom: They're weighing something?) (Edward went into a resort?)
We were now weighting for Jesus to come back. Ward went ober to play a song pon the piano. I watched him play sexily. He was the best penist. He was looking at me with a sexy smile and he kissed my check. I kkissed his check back then there was a pop and Jesus appeered. (Chrom: How can one play sexily on a piano?) (Oh, you're busted, Joan.)
“An evil Vampire that does not embarrass the Lord is coming to kull all vampires that fallow the Lords teechings. Becorse you are all good christinas the Lorf had cent me to protact you from them.” Said Jesus. (Chrom: I thought the Lord would send his angels.) (The angels prove to be better fighters than Jesus.)
I was really scared. Evil vampires that warshipped the devil were coming for the good christmans. Even jay looked scared, becoas he had recently satred fallowing Christianity. (Chrom: Jay shat his pants.) (Jay followed Christianity? Since when?)
“These vampores want the world to be rant by santa. They want all christens to deed.” Jesus said. (Chrom: Santa brings gifts. He's a good guy.) (Santa doesn't want to rule the world. Don't you mean Satan?)
I hugled ward cloce to me. I didn’t want the ecil vampires to get him. (Chrom: If you want someone to protect you, get some bodyguards.) (Besides, he's not going to be there for you all the time.)
THEN JOMS WAS THE WINDOW WITH VICTORIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111 (Chrom: James shapeshifted into a window?) (Victoria's a window, too! That's hilarious.)
I creamed and hid under the piano. All the cvamppies and jay started to fight, and Jesus created a swear in the air and sung it at the BAD VAMPIRES. (Chrom: A sword, you mean?) (She creamed herself? Ew.)
More vampires came in the house, I was getting scared, the bad vampires where hear alreedy. There was more of the bad vamers then the good ones. We were going to lose, Then one bitt me on the arm. (Chrom: Yes. Kill her already, so the story can end.) (The vampire poison can finish her off.)
Edward scremed and pounded into the vampire that bit me. Blodd was fleeing from myt neck and running my nice blue sweeter. Edwrd looked so hot as he pounded the bad vampre. Then i was hutting. My body fell like it was of fire. Jesus came over to me and put a cross on the bit. It glewed a bright collar then i stopped huffiong. He had saved me from becaming a DEMON WARSHIPPING VAMPIRE. (Chrom: No. This can't be happening.) (Not as planned!)
Then something happened and all the bad vampires disapered. I stood up and asked Jesus what happened. (Chrom: Jesus said that you'll have to be punished.) (You must be punished for all the sins you committed.)
“What happened?” I asked Jesus. (Chrom: That's basically the same thing, you moron.) (We don't need to be subjected to more redundancy, please.)
“They have goed back to satan. They will come for you agen thu.” Jesus said, “I will come back went you need me.” Then he clucked his fingers and went into the air. (Chrom: Jesus disappeared to tell God that he had to help out a religious whore.) (They went back to Hell to plan out the next move.)
Everyone was okay so we decided to go play baseball. We were a feild out the back. Ward looked so sexy in short shorts and a singlet. I was wereing a nice mini skirt and a nice blue shit. Ward looked sexy as he held the bat in his hand and swung it up and down. Jasser thru the ball at him and ward hit it, then he dstared to run. He rant and then he stoped. TYhen Em was going to bad but then Al had a vision. (Chrom: Your shit was blue?) (Emmett is bad now?)
THE BAD DEVIL WORSHIPING VAMPIRES HAD JAY AND THEY WERE TOUCHING HIM!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 (Chrom: They were touching him inappropriately? *gags*) (Ugh...)
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Me and jenny are having a party but No meen peeple aloud. Love you jenny 3 (Chrom: But, not in a homo way.) (An online chat party? Dude, I should go there!)
Uh... The last sentence had me almost throwing up. The next chapter will come out tomorrow. Until next time, have a nice day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Dec 2, 2013 19:23:09 GMT -8
Without further ado, here's Chapter 23!
23 – resque (Chrom: I don't know what word this is supposed to be.) (Is it the word, risque or something?)
Egnoring the eval Sinnars. From now on I am going to call Roselie, Rose becores it is prettier to call her rose. (Chrom: If you changed her name, it sucks.) (I liked Rosalie's name the way it is.)
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Jenny was reelly pail. She was totally worried about Jay. We got into a grop and discus a plan to save him. Al’s vison didn’t tell us were he was but we new we would be able to tract him by his cent. Em and Jasser were going to fallow his cent to find were he was. Then Ward and Al and Roselie were going to fight the evil vampires. I didn’t want ward to go. He was to sexah to be kulled. (Chrom: Then, Edward should just go kill himself.) (Why not let your Meyerpire fight for you? I'm sure he will make a great protector.)
“I don’t want you to go, you might be kulled.” I said sadly (Chrom: At least, I'll have the pleasure of seeing him killed.) (Why, Joan? He wants to protect you.)
“I wont be kulled” he told me and gave me a coddle. He was so perfact, i didn’t ewant to let him go (Chrom: No. Let the sparkly douchebag go.) (I love how the Sue is practically a yandere.)
Em and Jaser went away, We wached them dispear into the forest. I new they would find out were Jay was being torched soon. But I was still reely worried. I wnt over to Jenny and gave her a coddle. She was shaking and crying. (Chrom: If she was shaking and crying, it's probably because you betrayed her last time.) (Jay is being torched? Ouch.)
“They will find him” I told her caringly. Jenny dint listen tho she was so upseat that she coulsnr. Em and jaspa return and told us that the eval vampires have Jay in a mansion in CANADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (Chrom: Jay's in Canada?) (He's officially Canadian.)
I got on wrads back becorse he was going to hav to run to Canadsa with everyon. I held his perfact body and felt save. I new Ward would protect me from the eval ones. Jenny was on Jaspars back. She thout jasser was hot so I new that wold make her fell butter. I fell happy that Jenny wes happy. (Chrom: And Jenny is going back to Jasper again.) (Never mind that Jenny loved Emmett, it's confusion fu at its finest.)
It was dark wen we got to canda. All the lights were on in the houses so no one new that there was vampires in the street. We walkled through Canada looking for the manion. Canada was biggar then forks so I was scared that we wont be abel to find the mansion. Em still ahd jenny on his back and he looked like he was trecking something. We fallowed him, I healed onto ward reely tight, he was nice and warm (Erin: because it was cold in Canda). He gave me a sexah smile. (Chrom: It's Canada on strike.) (I thought the Canadians had bobble heads.)
We were walling out of canda wen al shoted out, “Ther is the mansion where they ave J!” (Chrom: Let's go inside and rescue that werewolf douche.) (I bet they'll see ghosts in there.)
We all ran ober to it and looked in the windaw. We could see ja in chains to the wall and the eval vampires were torching him and saying evil SATAN WORSHIPPING WORDS in a weird langage. (Chrom: They're cultists?) (Of course they are, Chromy. How else are they wearing dark robes?)
We went in the frot door and snucked into a room. It was drak except for the fire were the vampitres were. I snaggled into ward, they looked meen and scarry. (Chrom: And the cultists will probably see you.) (We didn't stop the fire yet.)
Jay was in the muddle of the room an he was chained so he cooldnt excape. Jenny was crying angily. She didn’t want jay to be murdered becorse he had eccepted God into his live. It wasnt fare. (Chrom: Jay converted to Christianity already?) (It's easy evangelism at work.)
Jasp and Al were waspering to each other, the were creting a plan to save jayt. But we were outnombered and ther was to humans on the teem so we locked like we were going to lost. (Chrom: Lose, you mean?) (They're losing.)
Em wand ross were getting reedy to leep at the evil vampires. The went out. (Chrom: Is that Emmet's new name?) (It sure sounds British.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 Jenny sceemed. As em and rose juped out at the eval vampires. Word and al and Jas fallowed. The evel vampires were taken buy supplies but they were still more of them then there was of the good Christine vampires. Me and jenny snucked passed the fighting vampires and went to were jay was chained up. We tyred to brake the chains but thet were mad of metel and steal. The only ones that coold brake it was a vampre. The eval vampires were winning angst us. (Chrom: Goddammit. Stop saying long nos. It's annoying.) (The fight scene is a lot worse.)
“You havr to run away!” Em said and we did. (Chrom: Did they run away to England?) (That's where L lives.)
We snucked back out of the rom and ran out the door and into the town. Everyone fallowed behind us. Wad picked me up and put me on his back sexily. Jas picked up Jenny sexily too and put her on her back. We were all running sexah like away from the evil vampires wen I remambered (Chrom: Jasper picked her up sexily?) (Everybody was sexah running.)
We had left jay behind.
We all were running
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A/N; I hop you liked that chapter jenny I wote it for you because you are awesum and I will pot you in the next chapter Becca I promos. 3. God Loves you (Chrom: Becca gets promos?) (No fair, I want free stuff. Also, didn't you betray Jenny last time?)
I love how the last sentence references a filk song. Anyways, Chapter 24 will come soon, my loyal snarkers. Until next time, have a great day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Dec 3, 2013 14:01:42 GMT -8
The next chapter of this snark is now underway.
24 – Sin (Chrom: Who sinned?) (It must be Joan who sinned.)
A/N: I am putting Becca in this chapter coz I promossed her that I wold. Love you Becca xoxox. I am still egnoring eval phlemmers that are sinnars. Now I have a new fiern on DA called Mitsu-der-Hamster. She is a nice person and a good christen. She is reely nice unlik you evil phlemming sinnars. (Chrom: Well, I'd like to do the honor of flaming you.) (Your new friend is just as stupid as your other reviewers.)
O0o0o0o0o0o0o - they are cute bubles. (Chrom: Uh... What?) (Those are some weird-looking bubbles.)
We were at school and it was raining. I was huggled into Ward and Jenny was with Em in the lunchrom. Then to new peeple worked in the door. They were becca and Dan (Erin:This is for you becca nd dan). They looked sad beouse they dint know were to sit. I inveted them over to our table. They sat down and introducted themshelves. (Chrom: We have some new characters now. It makes feel that the whole world needs to end...) (Don't feel down, Chromy. We can destroy them just like I planned.)
“I am becca and this is my broher dan,” Becca said and then she wishpered to me “wo is that hot guy ther. She pointed to jassper. (Chrom: That's Jasper. He's a Meyerpire with his specialty on manipulating emotions.) (Becca? She has a brother named Dan?)
“Thats japser,” i sayed and becca smelled a cute smell at him. She was reelly preety, she had blon hare and she was wereing a tight green top becoirse she had beg boons and she was wering a sexah anry prunt miniskirt. We buth guggled and jassper blushed. Dan was talling to al, they looked cute together. I hopped that they would dete. (Chrom: Becca's a pervert if she smells a guy upon meeting him.) (Becca has huge breasts? Does that even defy anime logic?)
Then rose cam in with her boyfriend Charlie. They locked relly hot. I was jeelous even though I was alredy hot. We all stred talking to gether btu then it was tiome to go home. (Chrom: When did Chief Swan appear in this story?) (I thought he was nonexistent in this badfic.)
First we all went back to my hose becase I kneeded to tall dad i was goging to stay at edards. He had just came home from the courts were he was a lawyer at. He was ging to star drining soon so we got my cloths and left qick. (Chrom: He's a lawyer now? What happened to him being mayor?) (Joan doesn't know what job her father currently works at, so she switches it frequently.)
We all went to ewards were charlise and Mc were weighing for us. We were all ging to go to cruch together becaue it would be a familey booding secion. I canged into a nice floowing green skirt and a tight green sweeter. Jenny was wereing a black dress and Becca was in a purple dirss. We all got in the krullens farry and we drove to the chuch. (Chrom: They drove a ferry?) (I think they're driving a Ferrari. It's just so screwed up that it might have been read in cuneiform.)
Father James Holden was at the chuch weighing for us to arrave. We got out the cart and went insude the chuch. We sat at the frount and listened to Father James. He blessed us and then we coold go home agen. I was sting with wad sO we wet to his room. We wer going topo be sleepen in the sam bed. It was ok becourse i new wrad wount do anytin against our religion now that we had bean blessed. (Chrom: That was fast. I didn't know church services were quick.) (You have been blessed by Lucifer himself.)
We caddled in bed and kissed each other on the lip. Ward looked so hot, he was wering a beig shirt and nice jeans. He took off his shit so i could look at his prefect chess. He had reelly big mussels and niec skin. I was happy becouse he was with me and no-one else. We hugged and kussed some more and then edwrd was lying on top of me. He was tryig to take off my bra. I dint no if i sould let him or not, we had ust bean blessed by the pope. (Chrom: But, I'm way more handsome than he is.) (This is weird. Edward abstains from sex in both the movies and books.)
“It will be k, we have bean bleassed.” Ward said and he took off my bra. I was neerious, i hadn’t done thus befour. Ward kissed my check and i kissed his chest. He hand was moving to my pants. (Chrom: Rape alert! I repeat, rape alert! You have to get out of here before he gets into your pants!) (Are they having sex? Please don't tell me they're doing it right now...)
Then the door opened and Jay was sanding there. He locked at what me and ward were doing an said (Chrom: Good job, Jacob. You deliberately saved us from the horrible make-out scene.) (Yay! Another cockblock! I thought I was going to be a goner...)
“Erni I need to tell you something.” (Chrom: Did she get a sex change again?) (I'm not sure what gender is Joan supposed to be now.)
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A/n: I hop you liked that chapper Becca, I no who nmuch you luv japster. And dan i wote you in too, u weill be more in the nest chatter. I 3 u. (Chrom: It's official. Becca and Jasper are officially dating.) (Is Dan ever going to get a love interest?)
More lulz continues tomorrow. Have a great day.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Dec 4, 2013 13:58:32 GMT -8
This marks the 25th chapter. Happy reading if you can handle the bad spelling and grammar. 25 – Banishmeat. (Chrom: She's banishing meat?) (She meant banishment.)A/N: I AM NOT A FAKE CHRISTAIN!!!!111 i AM WRITING THIS SOTRY TO SOW HOW JOAN IS A BAD CHRISTAN BUT LERNS TO BE A GOOD OEN1. STOP FLAMING AND BEENING MEEN ABORT MY RELIGION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 YOU ARE EVIL SINNARS AND HATTERS. AND IT IS BAD TO HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111. Ps I love you jenna and becca but not in a homo way k ;-) To all good christen reeders, I love you too and we have to stic together ? (the smils are better with nosers.) (Chrom: The smiles are better with what? I can't understand a word you're saying.) (It doesn't look like Joan is a good Christian at all.)0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oi0o0o “YOU ARE BETRAILING GOD AND LIFING IN SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!1” Jay scremed as he bust thru the floor. “YOU ARE COMPLIMATING BEFORE MERRIGE, OBLIVIOUSLY SATAN HAD ENTARED YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111” (Chrom: He busted through the floor?) (Satan did tempt them. I saw him through the window.) Jacub was reelly upset becarse he had had just converted to christinaty and he was now living his live buy the bible. I new he was rite, he was tyring to stop us for foreva living in sin. We had left santa into our lifes and gon agenst the Lords teechings. I cryed crylingly. I was a bed christen. (Chrom: Jacob's buying a Bible?) (I thought Santa's good for you.)I pussed edad way from me. I dint want to see his prefect body and sexah face wile we were in this predickament. I left the room and he went to fallow me but I shut the door so he count. Me and Jay went to the chuch so I coud confuss my sins and prey for forgivance. (Chrom: She pussed him away? It sounds like he's a wuss.) (Confuss, the best misspelling for confess.) I went in the confussion box and bowed my head in shane. I wasn’t wrothy of beeninh in the holey hose of God. (Chrom: Sounds like she's confused.) (The foe's Joan is confused. She hit herself with a cross.)“What are your sins my chid?” asked Father James Holden. Tears flurried down my eyes. (Chrom: Oh, great. The pastor is here.) (Tears flurried down your eyes?)“I almost comited the sin of sex befour merrage.” I said with tears in my voce. I was so asshaned of myshelf (Chrom: It's lust. That's the sin you've committed so far.) (She's ashamed of her shelf?)“But you stoped?” said Father then i kodded. “Then you are forgaven. You have not sinned bad enouh. Will Ward be seaking forgivence?” (Chrom: What? I don't believe this...) (They allow her to get away with almost committing lust? Come on, God. Punish her already.)“Yes he is weighing outside.” I said and left the box so edwar could confuss. I fell butter now that I had bean forgaven. Ward came out of the box becorse he had bean forghaven too. Now we could contenue HAPPY CHRISTIAN LIVES! (Chrom: She fell in butter?) (I'm going to have a heroic BSOD...)We leef the cruch and desided to have a spechel dinar to sellibrate our renew christain life. We had desided never to strey from the bible agen becorse we new we wood be banshed if we did. We al went to the crillans to have diner. MC cooked up a reelly big meel with lots of differant foods. We ate allot of food until my phone rang. I asnwered the phone (Chrom: Is this Dragon Ball Z I'm reading about? It sounds like they're from this show.) (Vampires can't eat.)“Joen you have to cume hoem straight away!” said dad. He was always reeking my fun. (Chrom: He smelled of fun?) (Her dad wants her for something. She's in trouble now.)“K dad I repied and hanged up. I tole ward that I had to leeve and then I left. (Chrom: She tolled Edward?) (Leeve? I think the word meant leave.)When I got home the hoise was dark. I walked thru the door then I shunnedly remembered that dad was wroking in the nest town on a building sight. Why did he call me to came home if he was int eh nexd tomw? I gessed he wanted mt to lock affer the hose. I went into the TV room adn then i saw it (Chrom: Your father must not see you very often.) (You saw the manbearpig. I'm serial.)JOMS AND VICTORA AND THEIR ARMS WHERE WEIGHING FOR ME THEY WERE GON TO KULL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111111 (Chrom: Didn't this happen in the movie when James tricked Bella with a recording of her father's voice?) (Oh, yes. Joan, you don't need to be overly dramatic.)0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o A/N: OH NO, what will joan do now? The next chappter will be reely exsighting. Trust me. ;-) 3 God revoews pleese. 3 3 (Chrom: No, it's not going to be exciting.) (Joan will be finally killed this time with no help from her dream man.)Excuse me while I suffer a heroic BSOD. The lulz continues tomorrow.
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Post by HeraldChaos72 on Dec 5, 2013 13:54:13 GMT -8
The 26th chapter is here! 26 – Sad (Chrom: What are you sad about?) (Are you sad about losing your boyfriend?)A/N: I sad this chapter was gong to be exsighting and it is, thanks to jenny and beca who halped me mak it reelly good. (Chrom: It's not that exciting.) (Your friends are probably going to turn their back on you the second you bad-mouth them.)0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o I woke up in ward arms, he was halding me looking concerned. (Chrom: Ward arms? He has multiple arms?) (He's probably contemplating how to kill you.)“whats wrong?” he asked concerndly. (Chrom: We already know he's concerned one sentence ago.) (She's sick. I think she's dying.)“Victor and Joms are at my dads and trhey are gong to ate me!” i Yell. (Chrom: Again with the tense mix-up, it's supposed to be eat.) (I have no memory of James whatsoever.)Ward cuckles, no they are not you were haveing a nitemair.” (Chrom: Cuckles? Is that supposed to be chuckles?) (She spelt nightmare the wrong way again.)I locked at edwrd and then remambered that affer we went to chuch we came back to his home to havbe a diner and then we just went to bed. I started to clam down, i new my dad wood be alright and that there was no evil vampires at my hose. It was mourning so we both got out of bed and I wet home to see dad. (Chrom: You have clams inside you?) (She's wet?)When I got in the door he was already drink. He was lating on the couch and smell reelly bad. Wen he saw me he got up and come over to me. He locked meen and anger. I was scarred. (Chrom: He's drunk, you mean?) (She's in trouble now.)“were were you lass night?” He asked meenly. I was shacking (Chrom: Just tell him where you were.) (Maybe he'll understand the position you're in.)“I was at my boyfcriends, ward culeen renember?” I said (Chrom: No. I don't think he remembers meeting your boyfriend.) (The first time she ever spelt his name right, but look at that huge misspelling at his last name.)
“YOU DINT TELL ME YOU WERE AT YOU BOYFRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 HOW DARE YOU GO PLACES WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT YOU WERE GONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111” Dad yellowed hard, he was so drunk and anger that his voice was loud and hut my ears. (Chrom: He has the right to be angry with you. He's your father.) (I don't see him drinking beer.)“Well you are always to dunk to lissen.” I said back, no I was mad. He was not even a chirstan. (Chrom: How can your father not be a Christian?) (He's not drunk. He wants to listen to you.)“WHAT DID YOU SAUY?” dad scremmed all mad like. “YOU ARE GRONDED GO TO YOU ROMM AND DONT COME OUT UNTIL I SAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111” He pointed his drunk finger up the stars. I ran up, crying and breathing. He was so meen and so unfare. I dint do anything rong. (Chrom: You didn't tell your father about your boyfriend.) (Being grounded is fair. He just wants to protect you.)I locked myself in my room and sat on the bed, tears going everywere. The only reeson he dint want me out of ymn room is becose he dint like Ward. It wasn’t fare. I went overt to the mirrar and saw my makeup was all smouged. I took it off and then put on some new makeup. I put on nice green eyeshadwow that and i did a nice nateral looking fondation. Ity made me fell allot better now that I loked pretty agen. Thedn there was a nock at the door. (Chrom: I don't see why you have to put on so much make-up. It makes you look like a harlot.) (Honey, your father's protecting you from a potentially dangerous vampire.)“Can I come in?” It was fenado. He wazs nice and helpful so I let him in. He came in and sat on my bed and looked at me. He had nice taned skin and always had a nice bug smil. He always made me fell better. (Chrom: Oh, good. An old man is in her room.) (Does nobody alert the police about this?)“I hurt what your fatter was yeling at you,” he said, “it was not good.” He said in his mexcan assent. It was cut. (Chrom: His accent is cut?) (Fatter? I thought her father was good-looking according to the fanart.)“yeh well he is always so meen to me, he doesn’t even know what its like to be a good Christian tring to live with an aloholice.” I groned gronningly. (Chrom: Your father was just trying to protect you.) (Christians live with alcoholics?)Fenando nodded becorse he new what i mean. He was a christen too. (Chrom: I thought werewolves were demons.) (Since when did he become Christian in the first place?)“He came over and hagged me, it will be okay” he said, I love you” and then he left the room wile I stared at him. He loved me? In a good firenly way or in a boyfriend girlfriend way? I sat back on my bed looking all confussed. Why dint peeple understood that I was wuith ward and I loved him more than anything(ERIN: Eccept God becose I could love nothing more than I love god) He was my boyfriend. I desided to go to bed becose I was tyred. (Chrom: Yet, you compared Eddie with God. That's not good.) (You were stalking him in the first chapter, so your love for him was actually lust.)I was laying in my bed looking at the dark celling when ther was a nock at the window, it was Edwar. He came in the window and sat on the bed next to me. He was reelly comfarting just him beaning there. I snaggled up to his bedy. (Chrom: He has beans?) (Did you just snag him?)“What happened today, we were supost to go to yoith groop.” He asked me askingly, i could tell he was warried that something bad had happend. (Chrom: No, just no. He's a demon. He's not supposed to practice Christianity in the first place.) (He's wary that something bad happened to you?)“My meen old fatter gronded me and said I cant leeve the room until he said. And that could be in a mouth.” I told edweard upsetly. Ward raped his arm arond me. (Chrom: Your father is not mean. He's just worried about you.) (Uh... Did I just see a rape scene?)“It will be ok, all the otter christens were asking about you in Youth Groop. They were worryd that something bad mite have happend to you.” (Chrom: The Christians are otters?! When the hell did this happen?) (Are they atheists, too?)I felt water come out of my eyes. “I will go nex weak.” I told him and wad smelled the most sexah smell ever. It made my body shack and shivar. (Chrom: He smelled you again...) (That's freaking creepy, Joan... *shivers*)I kissed him on his perfect check and asked him to say here with me tat night couse dad had said i had to stay here for a long time by myshelf. Edward agreed. We lay down together but we dint do anything naghty becourse we were both born agen. All we did was heg and sleep. (Chrom: They were born again? That means they can't have underage sex.) (That's just the weirdest sentence I've ever read.)Then the door opened and i was confussed becorse I had locked it so no one could get in (Chrom: Your dad must have superpowers.) (He has the master key.)
“WHO IS THAT BOY IN YOUR BAD? ??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111 (Chrom: Eddie is bad?) (He's one hell of a bad boy.)
It was dad. (Chrom: If I was your father, I would've kicked you out of the house for being disobedient.) (It was Light's dad!)0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0oo0o0 A/N: Ndew moon comes out soon. I cant weight to see how hot Edward Cullen is going to be!!!!!!!1111 Me jennu and beca have our tuckets for the midnight sceening. I cant weight!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 (Chrom: Trust me, I'm not watching those trash movies.) (I watched it and I wanted to turn off the screen after one minute.)Finally, Hugo Smith punishes his daughter for going out with a boy he doesn't know about. More lulz continues tomorrow.
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Post by arcanius on Dec 6, 2013 7:04:26 GMT -8
Orky Boss Failstompa appruuvd deze snarkz.
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