Short Story: Window Boy

[Is A Bell A Swan?]

Yes, I suck at titles
Haven't wrote anything properly for ages and ages. An idea come to me today and I quickly jotted it down into a short story. I'd like some feedback on how to expand/improve on this, please

Window Boy:

Michelle slammed her bedroom door loudly. Another day of being taunted and humiliated at school, another argument with her parents. She stomped across the room and plopped herself down on her bed. Hands shaking, she reached across to her bedside cabinet and gripped the razor blade's edge. "No, I won't do this again, I will be strong" she told herself as her eyes begun to fill with tears. Before she could do anything further there was a tapping at the window. She froze where she was, but ignored whoever was calling her name. "MICHELLE" the voice boomed, and the window started to slowly creak open. At this, she turned around and there before her stood a boy she'd never seen in her life. She placed him at about 17, a couple of years older than herself. He had long dark hair that hung greasy around his shoulders and a hoody with a large upside down pentagram on it. "Do I know you?" she asked, stunned at this stranger.
"I know you" he dodged the question and answered her with a warm smile. "Come out with us tonight"
"Us? Who's us? And where are you going?"
No reply.
"Nobody even likes me at school. Wait, do you even go to my school?"
No reply.
"Of course you must know me from school, I don't go anywhere else NOBODY LIKES ME" Michelle broke down again. "I really would be better off dead"
No reply. The boy stood there, motionless, speechless. "SAY SOMETHING" Michelle screamed at him.
"Come with me. I'm waiting for you. I can make it all better."
"Where are we going?"
"Come on"
"Not until I know what's happening. I don't even know you"
"Come with me Michelle, I'll take you wherever you want to be"
"It doesn't matter" Michelle sighed. "I'm grounded. I don't know what your game is, some cruel prank probably. But even if it were true my parents would never let me out"
"So sneak out"
"I can't do that!"
"Why not? You break all the other rules. Your parents never loved you, they don't pay attention to you, they haven't even noticed the empty bottle of vodka you've had beside your bed for over a week. They don't care for you Shelly"
Michelle startled at that, nobody had called her Shelly for years. Her and her parents used to be so close. Whatever happened to her life? Michelle become a teenager and rebelled. Smoking, drinking, self-harming, attitude problems. The bullying at school become worse and eventually she become isolated. Her grades suffered and her parents had no idea how to control her anymore. They'd gone from cute nicknames and family camping or beach trips to nothing but grounding, arguing and crying.
"They don't care about you Shelly, but I do" the stranger repeated. "Come with me. Now. You can escape all of this, just sneak out the window with me."
She thought about it. For a second she wanted - so desperately wanted - to stay, to try and sort her life out, to become something. But when she heard her parents arguing downstairs (about her. Again.) she decided they'd be better off apart.
She closed her eyes, took the boys hand, and jumped out of her tenth floor window.

[Deleted]

Oct 3, 2011 11:38:09 GMT -8 Is A Bell A Swan? said:

Michelle slammed her bedroom door loudly.

No need to say loudly here. Her slamming the door implies loudness; have you ever heard of a door slamming quietly?

Another day of being taunted and humiliated at school, another argument with her parents. She stomped across the room and plopped herself down on her bed.

'Stomping' implies that she is angry more than anything else, however the next bit says that she is more sad than angry. Maybe just her running to her bed?

Hands shaking, she reached across to her bedside cabinet and gripped the razor blade's edge. "No, I won't do this again, I will be strong" she told herself as her eyes begun to fill with tears.

Why is there a razor on her bedside cabinet? Assuming she cuts herself somewhat regularly, it may make more sense for her to keep it hidden in a drawer, so that if her mom ever came in her room she wouldn't ask why there is a razor in there. Also, it may add to the hesitation to have her not actually touch the razor, but maybe hover over it instead. Also, 'begun' should be 'began'.

Before she could do anything further there was a tapping at the window. She froze where she was, but ignored whoever was calling her name. "MICHELLE" the voice boomed, and the window started to slowly creak open. At this, she turned around and there before her stood a boy she'd never seen in her life.

Saying, 'she ignored whoever was calling her name' sounds odd here, because all the story has said so far was that something was tapping at her window. Then we see someone saying her name, and this immediately gets her attention? It just doesn't make that much sense. Maybe have her ignore the tapping, and then jump and look around when someone calls her name and opens the window. Also, this may just be a personal preference, but I think it would add to the atmosphere to have the person say her name softly. Plus, if he's shouting her name, why can't her parents hear it?

She placed him at about 17, a couple of years older than herself. He had long dark hair that hung greasy around his shoulders and a hoody with a large upside down pentagram on it.

As a sort of unwritten rule, its better to write out numbers. Also, it should either be 'greasily' or 'he had long dark, greasy, hair that...' And this may be just a personal thing, but I think it sounds better to say 'hooded jacket'. Nothing particularly wrong with saying 'hoody', (though the correct spelling is hoodie).

"Do I know you?" she asked, stunned at this stranger.

She should be freaking out. Someone she doesn't know just climbed through her window. She shouldn't be this calm, unless there is a reason for it. If there is, maybe have her reflect on how she should be freaking out.

"I know you" he dodged the question and answered her with a warm smile. "Come out with us tonight"
"Us? Who's us? And where are you going?"
No reply.
"Nobody even likes me at school. Wait, do you even go to my school?"
No reply.
"Of course you must know me from school, I don't go anywhere else NOBODY LIKES ME" Michelle broke down again. "I really would be better off dead"

The dialogue here is fine, and her assuming he knows her from school makes sense, even if she doesn't know him. However, the all caps 'NOBODY LIKES ME' is melodramatic. It has more of an impact if she says it quietly, or maybe even just thinks it to herself. Otherwise, it just sounds like she is whining. She also seems to be breaking down rather suddenly. Maybe just have her start to cry, a few tears falling down her face? It also seems strange that she would say that she would 'be better off dead' to a stranger. Maybe have her think it, or else rephrase it somehow.

No reply. The boy stood there, motionless, speechless. "SAY SOMETHING" Michelle screamed at him.

A lot of screaming. Why can't her parents hear her?

"Come with me. I'm waiting for you. I can make it all better."

Okaaaaay, creep-o-meter just skyrocketed. Not that that's a bad thing. In fact, it was well accomplished with a very simple line. In my case: I can make it all better. Don't know if that is what you intended, but its well done nonetheless.

"Where are we going?"
"Come on"
"Not until I know what's happening. I don't even know you"
"Come with me Michelle, I'll take you wherever you want to be"
"It doesn't matter" Michelle sighed. "I'm grounded. I don't know what your game is, some cruel prank probably. But even if it were true my parents would never let me out"
"So sneak out"
"I can't do that!"
"Why not? You break all the other rules. Your parents never loved you, they don't pay attention to you, they haven't even noticed the empty bottle of vodka you've had beside your bed for over a week. They don't care for you Shelly"
Michelle startled at that, nobody had called her Shelly for years. Her and her parents used to be so close. Whatever happened to her life? Michelle become a teenager and rebelled. Smoking, drinking, self-harming, attitude problems. The bullying at school become worse and eventually she become isolated. Her grades suffered and her parents had no idea how to control her anymore. They'd gone from cute nicknames and family camping or beach trips to nothing but grounding, arguing and crying.

Okay, back up. So they never cared about her, but they used to be so close? And for a family that was so close, they don't notice vodka bottles at her bedside? Or that vodka has gone missing from their liquor stash? It just doesn't make sense that they were close, and then because Michelle became difficult they stopped caring. And if they do care there is no way they would ignore vodka bottles. On top of that, they are grounding her, which seem to imply that they care she breaks the rules (and potentially care about her) so they would not stand by and let this happen. You also said they argue. If they don't care, why would they argue with her about the things she does? Even if a parent is handling a situation wrong, more often than not it is because they care. Also, saying 'her parents had no idea how to control her anymore' doesn't make sense with the previous bits about them being close either. Caring parents don't want to 'control' their children. 'Handle' them, maybe. Point is, you are contradicting yourself some here. Either her parents care, or they don't. And while you could argue that Michele thinks they don't care, she apparently knows they used to be close, and recognized that her behavior has been wrong and difficult, so she would have no reason to trust the boy when what he is saying is clearly a lie.

"They don't care about you Shelly, but I do" the stranger repeated. "Come with me. Now. You can escape all of this, just sneak out the window with me."
She thought about it. For a second she wanted - so desperately wanted - to stay, to try and sort her life out, to become something. But when she heard her parents arguing downstairs (about her. Again.) she decided they'd be better off apart.
She closed her eyes, took the boys hand, and jumped out of her tenth floor window.

Tenth floor? How big is this place?

Anyway, I already covered the contradictions, so I won't go into that again. And this is a personal preference, but I wish she would stay behind and work things out, especially since she seems to recognize that it is at least partially her fault. However, then you wouldn't have a story, so...yeah. Maybe more reasoning as to why they would be better off apart? Like they needed time apart so they could think, clear their heads, etc? Also 'boys' should be 'boy's'. 'boys implies there is more than one boy there. Oh, and I do like how its him using an old nickname that turns her around.

Anyway, overall it is an interesting start. It sort of had a modern Peter Pan feel to it, which could be really neat. At the same time, the boy seems sort of creepy, and I like that air of mystery. I also hope Michelle someday returns to her family and works things out.

Hope this helps!

[Is A Bell A Swan?]

Thanks so much for the corrections I appreciate the feedback I see how some of it doesn't make sense and wasn't very clear with the caring/not caring stuff. They used to care but grew apart, now they have given up as Michelle never listens to them and her life is spiralling downwards, she's out of control and doesn't know what to do and nobody knows how to help her.

The parents can't hear all the shouting and stuff with the boy because he's all in her head.

When I got some friends to review this they didn't get the ending. I'm not sure if you do or not, but the reason I didn't specify she was high up in a tenth story apartment before is because the end is meant to be suicide. If some random boy manages to climb through her window, I wanted the reader to assume she lives more on a ground level and easily accessible, easy to climb in and out, then that one word, tenth, shows that she had imagined (or at least some supernatural element) to the boy coming in, that he's not "real" that it's not possible and her jumping out had pretty severe consequences, more-so than if she was at ground level, as assumed. It's a shock twist.

Hope these explanations make sense and I shall try and re-write so it's clearer.

Thanks again.

[~vola!]

My roommate's name is Michelle; she's engaged to my best friend, so you get creepy points just for that. I agree with what rinnyaerith had to say, though. It's good but it needs polishing, which you already admit, so yeah.

Besides that, I think the symbolism with the boy wearing the anarchy hoodie and stuff is a little heavy handed; I could see where the story was going as soon as he appeared. You didn't give away enough for me to *immediately* think "she's gonna jump!" specifically, but I thought it was obvious right away that the boy was Death, and given that this is a short story, it seemed unlikely that Michelle was going to survive this encounter. The length of the story leaves no time for Michelle to look inside herself, find the will to live and vanquish the grim reaper, and turn her life around in any kind of believable and non-deus-ex-machina-y timeframe. Although I do like your interpretation of Death as a character archetype, as it were; I just think he could have been a little more subtle. Have him come in through her door, or something slightly more normal than appearifying before her in her weakest hour, and then your twist is twistier.

I think you should also subtly mention that she lives in an apartment building at some point before the shock-twist, otherwise the wtf-factor undermines the shock-factor and you lose the reader at the key point. Maybe begin the story with Michelle running up the stairs, maybe fumbling with her key or otherwise invoking other tropes of apartment life (e.g., have her pass a neighbor in the hallway and ignore them or something) without saying the word "apartment."

Most American readers, at least, and probably a good number of other Western readers, assume that a character "going home" is going to a house, not an apartment building. I see what you were trying to do, and it's clever, but because the cultural idea of "home" is this and not generally this, the power of the twist ending is snatched away at the last minute by confusion. Does that make sense?

[Is A Bell A Swan?]

Thanks lot, your post does make sense

He's not necessarily Death, he's just all in her mind.

[~vola!]

Really? Spooky-looking kid appears and makes an offer to a suicidal girl to "make it all better." What should the reader expect him to do, hand her a plate of cookies? Personification of Death is a trope that is older than dirt; in drama and literature, if everyone else can see/hear the Grim Reaper, it's just some freak in a mask, so the reader already assumes that he is all in her head.

I'm just saying that the way you introduce and portray him makes the plot element pretty obvious, like a large billboard far in the distance. You can see it; you may not be able to make out exactly what it says, but you know it's there. When you get close enough to see detail, you're not surprised, but your sudden curiosity has been sated. The impact of a "twist" ending is lost.

[Aunt Dew]

This needs more details, more specifics, more gritty stuff.

I feel no real connection with the character.

She's bullied at school, but how is she bullied?

What did she argue with her parents about?

Why is it about this day that is able to be push her over the edge?