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Post by Talys Alankil on Jul 30, 2012 15:40:28 GMT -8
^I thought the sarcasm would be obvious enough that I wouldn't need the quotation marks.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 1, 2012 8:57:22 GMT -8
Alright then. It's show time. We are all so excited. Whee.
If you can't tell, I'm jumping with joy here because we're at the point in FTS's story line where it goes from worst in the World, to so much WORSE. Chapter eighteen, or Eugeen, ladies and gentlemen.Later on It was a new school year So nothing happened after Dumble bamfed off? Or during the whole summer vacation? and Delly and Edward were still plowing strong So she's with Edward now? Because he has a chevy with a butterfly door? Wait... It was Delly. That girl who gets mistaken for Dally all the time. Seems like he found himself a substitute., this time Dally was pregnant. Again. But unlike laser time they didn’t know who the farter was. Maybe she got to be Edward's fart after all then? They decided to go to the wizard virgin of Jerry Springer called Maury to sea who the dad was Um, the baby kind of need to be born first. And Maury is apparently the Wizard version of Jerry Springer, and is a virgin? So he can be really judgmental of extra-marital parentcy.First Dally had to butter her brain Which hopefully involved sawing her head open to get to the brain. to figures who she had effed lately who could of got her prego. If she can't even think of candidates, then it's not a good sign. Dally is a junior at Hogwats now but everyone else (hiei, Edward, link, etc) are only Softmores. They all flunked because instead of going to classes they spent the entire year trying to kill as many teachers as possible. Dally also got erected to Prefict becaust she got the faggot Dumbledore to have STDs (nursewhiches cant cure that) That was Harry's doing. If anyone deserves a special honor for that rather despicable act, it's him.That’s when she relish that Maruy was looking at her “So Dally… who did you eff?” Before her was her dreamcast: edwert, hiei, link, saskuke, and shadow Who's a dead hedgehog. I really can't imagine she actually means her son. She can't be THAT sick.. And BILL COMPTOM “you must think long and hard… like my dick” said Edward Riiiight. 13 inches! then laughed then stopped cause it wasn’t funny because actually dally probably effed everyone and was loose as a bag. So... over the holidays she went from being completely faithful to Hiei, to being a nymph? I have a feeling we're missing a good chunk of the story here. Someone ought to write the Dally "Missing Years".“If you need help remembering I can get you a stool sample,” offered Maury the wizard You can't determine paternity from turds, I'm afraid.“I think you mean spool” said Hiei confused “your shit wont help her now, she’s pregnant.” So Maury brought out a pool OK, so he actually meant "pool sample"? and she went swimming and in it was magicarp wizard water that Tiggered her memory, suddenly a flood of rememberies washed over her. Chapter 15 is STILL canon, BTW.Flashback 1: It was a hot summer day and suddenly a hott figure as hot as the hot summer day knocked on her door. It was Bill Compton the vamp. He introducked himself and in chapter 15 it said they didn’t do anything but now the humpback was revealing a lot…… Wow, in addition to the magicarps, there are humpbacks in the pool as well? And they can project memories? Who needs pensieves or Renesmee? Save the humpback whale!He didn’t just introduce himself, in her vision Bill Compton bashed her head grains a wall until she had a concoction then raped her. (end of flashback 1) Insert Bill-fangirl rage here.“I was wrapped!” Dally exclaimed in wonder. Or un-wrapped?“WHAT” Edward got pissed fast “Was it fucking Dumbledore?” “No… I’m not a boy so he doesn’t want my poonbox Hey, that's your own vagina you're referring to here, Dally. he only wants anal” Dally explained with reason. Just then Gucci interrupted in a v-neck and poured some lemonade. Insert LULWHUT pear here.“Anyway it was .. it was … BILL” she started tearing up as she cried and pointed at him. Maury got a boner. He got a...? This is sooooo inappropriate! Also, Maury is real, so this is hitting my peeve buttons. I hate real person fics.Flashback 2: Even with her head a little fuzzy Dally knew what was happening. In her head she couldn’t stop thinking that Bill was really hott but none of that mattered because of the earth-quaking pains she was feeling from where he hit her head, next thing she knew six of his fingers were inserted in her So, both hands? Or perhaps he's polydactyl?, she mooened. Dally: MOOOOOO! (This means I'm really horny!) He started fangering her Isn't that what he's already doing if both his hands are shoved up her vagina? then pulled out his big vamp cock. But he has no free hands! It was huge about six inches wide and six inches long Six inches long is average. Six inches wide, which I take to mean diameter, is seriously deformed! He'd never be able to get that into any human female., and he stuffed it inside of her, then started banging her. Dally was so embearassed and didn’t know how to make him stop raping her, she raked her brain for ideas, then she hard on. Errr.... With a mighty pump she queefed all over his dick. Huh? Enraged and levers, he donkey punched her As in kicked her? right in the juggerlar… that’s when she blanked out… (end flashback) “Yes it certainly seems like Bill could be the father, “ said Obama, You just KNOW that something is seriously messed up in a fic when the Leader of the Free World(TM) has to come and sort things out! “did you use a condom?” Unfortunately, Obama is just as stupid as the rest of the crew, meaning he probably fell into the Dallyverse by accident. We need to get those broken walls reinforced! This is dangerous to world peace!“No it was raw” said Bill coolly, “but she wanted it she was pretty much begging for it, let me get in the pool and I’ll show you” You know a protagonist is badly written when you are more inclined to believe a rapist who uses cliché excuses.So Bill Compton stepped in the pool on the Maury Wizard Show and showed his flashback…… Flashback 1: Bill was going door too door as a Jehova Witness trying to tell people they cant have birthdays That's actually not the first thing they bring up when they try to convert you. And why did Bill pretend to be a Jehova's Witness anyway? And why in Hogsmeade? and he got to Dally’s hospital. Wasn't she out of hospital at this point? He didn’t know her but she orgyd the door I have actually heard of people who preferred doors as their sexual partners. I wouldn't be surprised if a girl who likes animé dudes and computer generated animals could also think doors were sexy. and he thought she was really hott. From the way she was undressing him with her eyes he knew she thaught she was hott too. But all he said was “hi I’m bill” and from there he knew she wanted him because she started bashing his head again a wall to rape him. It Diddy Kong work though because vampz don’t get hurt about that I guess it wouldn't have worked on Dally either, then. So Bill may be innocent after all., so she went and started slapping him in the nuts with garlic clovers. How would that get him horny? It burned like a thousand jellies on rye. Jellies on rye? Whut?That’s when she mounted him, in unicorns. And she shout-outs to herself! Classic!(end flashback) "Well it seems like we have two vary different sides to the srory," said Maury, "We will lean ham the father after a commie break!" Oh yes. Let's have a little communist break from the fic...
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Post by serkadios on Aug 1, 2012 9:15:26 GMT -8
^I thought the sarcasm would be obvious enough that I wouldn't need the quotation marks. Your sarcasm was noted, I just felt the need to highlight just how much "FUN" the last three chapters are.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 1, 2012 9:38:09 GMT -8
May as well get it over with... Chapter 19.
Add your main content This IS the main content! Dally waited anciously for the show to return, it was the longest break she had ever had to had taken for a show. But had she even been on a show before? She wanted to kill all commercials Uh, duh... the audience don't sit and watch commercials when a show takes a break. They stretch their legs and use the restrooms etc. she was so mad about it but finally the lights dimmered down and it was baonoocccccccccccc.
It was back on, I think she's trying to say.
But htat was the last thing she horse before it all went black. Horse? Like when Joan had a nighthorse where Jomz killed her? Next thing she knew she was in the lettuce on Maury What the F is going on during the filming of Wizarding talk shows? no longer with the limelight on her. Instead she was replace by a girl who got 600 people who banged her (it was TwitardAssassinLuigiLargo fukin stupid b****) whore! Revenge chapter!!! When the bitch kyke went on stage fucking everyone spat on her (remember she wrote a mean letter to me)
Oh yeah. Spitting on the guests is probably very encouraged...
Just in that moment Dallas thought about it and she would never gonna find out who was her baby daddy. Was it bill? Was it Edward? Was it Jacob? Does Jacob even exist in this? Who knew?? She was going to have to wait until the baby was born. Like I said earlier! And htats exactly what she didn’t. Then what DID she do? 9 mths later (which means it wasn’t a vamp cause vamp babies take a lot less times, put on ur csi detective hat) Then it can't be Bill's. she gave borth to a beautiful baby girl. This one she named Shadette becuz she was Shadows twin.
She may not even be a full sister!
She looked at shadettes fecures. Shadette had red eyes, so it could be either bills or Edwards or hieis. Is Edward a cannibal vampire now? Shadette had black hair,s o again it ould be anyways Not Edward's., even hiei’s. I'd think Hiei would be the prime suspect. Are Dally and him even together anymore? He seems to be pretty distant from this whole "My girlfriend has banged everyone she knows, and some she doesn't, and is pregnant with anyone of them"-ordeal. shadette had nails that were long, and full lips like the moon, so it was obvioiusly bill’s.
I wouldn't say that's conclusive evidence. My guess is that she's Hiei's daughter, since he's the only non-vampire of the possible fathers.
At that moment she sent bill a subpoena. Bill checked the mail and a man was at the door he was wearing a long white koalt, with buttons, a tie and his hair was partied, and he said “bill you are being served at the district federal court of Hogwarts, you have a dawughter and her name is shadette and so you have to pay child support on that you fucking asshole” Politeness and manners are really important, I see. bill was like “wtf??” Who wouldn't be? he the next day he dressed up in his Sunday’s vest. And went to the court house. Before him was Cyclops from the x-men (the judge).
Oh yeah! Totally competent for judging in family court!
“okay bill, what do you gotta say about that?” said Cyclops slapping him with the hard hand of the law.
“shaddette isn’t my kid! Look shes a girl she cant be mine!” bill argued like a vent.
Bill: Because I only fire Y-swimmers! Fact!
“well that’s your problem, fuck you” said Cyclops and now he has child support.
Totally impartial!
Dally got a lot of money from bill because vamps are rich$$$$$$ Unless they are vagrants. so she baught a mansion outside of Hogwarts wild she went to school, Couldn't she just download some more rooms to Hagrid's house? except professor jack skeleton said she had to still be a part of Ravenclaw, like just cuz she had her own house doesn’t mean she gets her owl HOSUE!
But that's exactly what Hogwarts needs! Darkblood House, where they can sort all the students that have tendencies towards being Sues and generally insane troublemakers into!
Still dally had a crush on bill. I guess his version of events aren't at all unlikely. So she invited him over to the mansion for tea and had hiei and Edward babysit Shadow and Shadette, What has she done with those two boys? Why aren't they fighting over her any more? Why aren't they trying to rip Bill to shreds in fits of jealousy? they had the house to themshelves. Dally wore her hottest laundry She dug out her winter sweat shirts and wool socks from the laundry basket for seducing Bill? and a hot teddy. Bill just wore whatever cuz hes hott all the time anyway (so is dally but hotter now)
One thing led to another and they hooked up at least 10 times that night. So he's got 100 times the staying power of Hiei? Bill is a vamp so he doesn’t sleep and dally just wasent tired, and you could here them moaning all the way from outside.
Stay classy, Dally...
Meanwhile Edward and hiei were watching shadow and shadette when they heard the mourning.
Because goffz mourn stuff, LOLZ.
“omg, you think dallys in trouble?” hiei asked concerned as he put the babys bark in the
“yes we should hurry” What? No "GRRRRR"? so they ran out of the house to the scene of the rime. They tried to knock on the door yelling to her but she didn’t replie, so they tried to bang it down but they didn’t replie to that either. Um, they are a little busy perhaps? Finally they got it thru the window. The house was dark it was big so it took them a long time to navalgate through the hallways but then they smelled something fowl.
Fried chicken?
Edward bust into the room just in time to see Ball sink his fangs deep into her and the blood began to poor out in pools like a cesspool. How can he drink blood from another vampire?
“NOOOOOOOOO!” he jumped on top of bill and batteled him, hiei joined
“STOP” yelled Dolly, And we have ANOTHER Dally clone who can just step into the action at any given time.No wonder this story is such a mess! There may be dozens of Dallys about, and no one knows whoch one is the real thing! pullin the sheets over her bare and bloody beef, she was sooo embaressed. She should be. After all, she's just been cheating. Bill started biting everhyone then and it didn’t matter if he got ed but he got hiei. Suddenly hiei and dally both began convulving on the floor, spazzing out and rabiesing out of the mouth. It was obveious… they were turning into vampores.
Alright... maybe Dally was only a campire before, and is turning into a real vampire now?
Now everyone is vampires.here - text, photos, videos, addons, whatever you want!
Yay... X(
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 1, 2012 11:36:49 GMT -8
This is the last chapter of FTS. I did it! Or, I will have once I've snarked my way through this.
Meanwhile, while the hoggwarters were having their own drama, dumble dore and mystique were having their own drama.
“It seems there is a new variable in the equation,” said Dumbledore with math, Uh oh. That sounded very "New Trollish" didn't it? Like something Adriana or Italian Rose would say. “Dally is popping out babies like the west nile virus!”
She's multiplying at an alarming rate, that is true. What happened to her only having one egg?
“That fucking daughter o’ mine,” screamed Mystique, “Yarr she just makes me so mad.”
Did this happen on "Talk like a pirate" Day?"
“you see, my dear, you know what this means?” Asked Albus.
Wasn't his first name Malcolm in this one?
“no.”
“It means you have to give your powers to both Shadow AND Shadette and it will weakin us together I thought the powers were inherited, so they'd get them anyway. And since Dally already has the powers, can't she give it to them as well? So it doesn't really look like Mystique can do anything to stop her family becoming powerful and taking her down. Maybe she should have thought of that before turning on them for no good reason., sending our mechanical plan to foilure!” asked Dumbledore.
They have a mechanical plan? What's it a plan of? Some new super-villain vehicle?
“Jesus Christ, you’re right,” Mystique noted, “There has to be an exception…”
I'm afraid there isn't.
“Well you don’t have to give htem teh powers until their adderolescents, so if we KILL THEM before they level up, we can have all teh powers to ourselves…”
Shadow is already capable of transforming, and puts up a pretty good fight for a baby who's only a few weeks old!
“BHWAHAHAHAHA!” laughed the two of them.
This way where were Dumbledore and Mystique? Well you let me tell to readers it within a bunch outlying of wear Hogwarts only strongest and most savage of the wizards is possible travel deeply is. It is in Japan where there many willow trees and squirrels and dragon bush are.
Ye Olde Edward: Much of sense that did not maketh.
But Mystique and Dumbledork That "typo" has never been used before... were not alone. A young guy with long red hair and a scar across his eye was liseening in, he was the batoseye and wore a robe thing. His name was Ruroni Kenshin.
What fandom is screaming in agony now?
Kenshin graduated from Hogwarts a couple yards before in ‘090 and so he knew shit was going down. He just knew because he had graduated from a certain school? He pulled out his cell and txted an old friend and word spread like rapid herpes.
I guess you can thank Harry for the rabid herpes.
Back in England Hie was in the hospital wing. Dally sat caringly by his side holdeing his hand.
“is he going to die?” she asked the nurse.
Doesn't she know how a vampire transformation works, when she has gone through it TWICE?
“no… but he is infected. He has 24 hours for someone to find the syrum to cure his vampire or else he will turn.” She replied, then looked down at her phone. “oh my god….. “
“What? What is it? YOU TELL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW” She's as polite as always. said Dally busting into tears. She was conserned by the look of concern on the nurses face.
“I must go talk to Professor Jack, something has happen.” She said and stormed out.
So Jack Skeleton is still around.
Link and Sasuke abread just then. “What’s up with her?” asked Link.
“I don’t know but I don’t like it…. Hey, you can disepear right, Link?” Dally.
“yes I have that power” he replied.
Does she mean "become invisible" or just "go away to an unknown place"?
“go spy on her!”
So link turned into invicible OK, then. and wet down the hallway And still hasn't learned to use the bathroom before going somewhere. to wear the nurse was. she was talking isothermally on the phone and he overherd…
I think we can be glad Dallas stopped the story here, because it seems to be picking up that trend of using inappropriate adverbs.
Nurse: “yes professor, I know that it is true…. I got a text, that’s how. The headmastur has teamed up with villain Mystique and they are in a Japanes forest now, planning on… yes.. it’s horrible. Bye”.
Sasuke returned and told them what happened.
“What??” dally apposed, “so theyre in the japonese forest?”
Japan only has one forest? Or rather: Japan has a forest? When I think of Japan, I think of huge cities with neon-lit skyscrapers.
Just hten the nurse walked in. “Oh… so you overheard my converse.”
“Listen up cunt we need to kill that faggot Dumbledore NOW” said Dally.
When someone talks to you like that, it makes you very keen to help them, right?
“Well you better hurry cuz the text says theyre leaving in 24 hours for a new destination and no one knows where it is.” The nurse grred.
Oh no. Nurse Joy is the new Edward.
Dally looked at hiei. He looked so pale and farmished, and so sad. He groaned in Argonauts. She had 24 hours to find the adidote… but 24 hours to KTFD*…
I'm pretty sure Hiei would become more useful as a real vampire. So far he's done squat.
What will dally do? Will she save hei but let Dumbledee and Mystique get away, or will she let Hiei turn into a vampire but save the world form certain pearl? Find out next time in FTS!
Which never happened, because she decided to come clean about trolling. But I still wish she'd tell us what happened.
*KTFD = killing the faggot dumbledore
Yeah, because we had totally forgotten what it meant.
Alright! We're through! Next snark will be "Hormones", and after that maybe Dazzling Adventures of Zehir, Findan and Edward, if anything becomes of it.
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Post by serkadios on Aug 1, 2012 12:35:22 GMT -8
Congratulations! You've snarked one of the most disguisting trollfics in the existence!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 1, 2012 14:31:14 GMT -8
YOU SURVIVED ! Now here's a coupon for unlimited Brain Bleach and some cookies.
And yes please for snarking Adriana.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 1, 2012 19:21:31 GMT -8
Fanx guise. I fink some of my bwaincells have dyed, so teh bleech will be g00d! *chug*chug*chug* Ahhh...! That's better. Yep, one horrible trollfic down, infinity to go!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 1, 2012 23:39:25 GMT -8
Alrighty! I was going to go out shopping for groceries, but it's raining and I've got some cookies, so... Let's get the new snark started. Oh and Rosie/Ariana, I am going to snark the rest of CtR, but I have a feeling you're not done with it yet. So I'm doing this one first, since it's short and looks to be abandoned. And then snark mode was ON! This story is called Hormones, and is a Transformers X Twilight cross over.AN: Okay, so sorry if I'm not a very good writer. I have been thinking of this story for a while now and thought that I should finally post it. Basically, Bella is Sam's sister and met the autobots when he and Mikeala did. Her and Optimus got together after Mission City. The Cullens probably wont come in until at least the 4th chapter, maybe later.Oooh, Edward is going to be a jealous bastard! That's what he does best!Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Transformers.Chapter 1 3 years after Edward left. "Optimus is...w-what?" I stuttered. Sorry to break it to you, honey. Optimus is a robot. And that is when he's not a truck. He does not have feelings for you. I was on the phone with Sam. I was in Forks visiting Charlie when he had called me to tell me that him, Mikeala, Simmons, 'Bee, and the twins were coming to get me when I got the worst news of my life. I'm sorry it made you sad, but really, you should have seen the signs. You know, the yellow ones that read Wide Load."I'm so sorry sis, it was three against one, he was doing everything he could." When he said this I just the the tears fall. Oh I get it! Optimus has been clamped? Scrapped? Had his number plates taken?I sniffed "When will you guys be here?" "In about 25 minutes" "I'll see you then." I hung up. I quickly went upstairs and changed into something more appropriate for war. One does not simply tow off the herione's boyfriend! This means WAR! My outfit consisted of capri jeans, black knee hight heeled boots, a white tanktop and a sweatshirt. Seriously? High heeled boots? Proper Soldier-Sues wear camo! It would be refreshing to have a protagonist who wasn't a Sue, but we'll see how she turns out. I then went back downstairs and wrote Charlie a note saying I had to help Optimus and the Autobots with something, he would understand. I almost forgot that this was Bella. Yes, he should be used to her endangering herself in the name of twu wuw by now.When they got here I got into 'Bee and looked at Sam. "Why and Where exactly do I have to go with you guys?" I questioned him as Bee spead off. *Checks what sort of car Bumblebee turns into.* Oooh, he's snazzy! Why isn't Bella dating him? He could double as a more fashionable ride to school, instead of her truck. I mean, Optimus is bigger and badder, but he's still a truck!" We are going to Washington to find a prime who can read these signs. I think they could lead to the Matrix." He answered. In the words of every character ever played by Keanu Reeves: WooOOoow!"Wait the Matrix... Your going to try and resurect Optimus?" He's a car, sweetie. You take him to the garage. He nodded. I smiled. "Good, cuz I'm going to need him around for a while." They looked at me confused. "Lets just say I'm late." You see where this is going, right?Mikeala got it after a few minutes Minutes? Is she slow? and smiled whie squealing. "Oh Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" I'm kind of worried, to be honest!"Okay, what is going on!" "Sam, you took health right?" I teased. "I'm pregnant." Yeah, that's correct! Bella is pregnant with Optimus' bababayyy. She has actually screwed a giant robot. How that works is probably better left to imagination, but you know... How is he able to produce sperm?This was the whole of chapter 1. Here is the next:AN: Okay sorry if the action in this story isnt very good, i usally do mostly romance and drama. Please Read and Review! =D DISCLAIMER: Sadly I don't own Twilight or Transformers, They belong to the writers of Transformers and Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 2 previously "I'm pregnant" Present: The look on Sam's face was priceless. He must have realized the absurdity of the situation. Until he looked like he was goign to rip someones head off. He must have imagined the awkwardness of their future family life, where they'll constantly have to explain to nosey people why his nephew has got wheels and a windshield!"Your what?" He asked angrily. I rolled my eyes. "I'm going to have a baby, your going to be an uncle." I said slowly, like I was talking to a child. Yeah, that part wasn't so hard to understand. It's more how that is the problem."Who's the father?" "Who do you think?" i asked sarcasticlly. My money would have been on some human guy. Possibly Edward since he's her ex. Although, he's not human either. And when he's capable of impregnating someone, maybe it's not that much of a stretch that an artificial being could be as well. Please tell me this is a spite fic, because that would make all kinds of sense!"I am going to kill him again after we reserect him." "No your not. Sam, he doesnt even know yet, I found out the day after I got here. I didn't want to tell him over the phone. Plus, how do you think I would feel?" That made him shut up. Some conversations are just too awkward. This is one of those.A fews hours later we were at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. in Washington D.C. Bumblebee must be really fast. This is the second time I've read a fic where Bella travels from Forks, Washington (state) to Washington DC, by road, in a couple of hours."What exactly is the plan?" I asked after Simmons literally tore his pants off. Simmons: I HAVE PENIS BEETLES!!!!!!No, seriously. Why did he rip his pants off? Who's Simmons? *checks* Ah, pheww. He's a human."Hold those" he said handing them to me. So she can get the veneral diseasus as well? I made a "thats gross" face when i saw what he was wearing. I don't really wanna know."What is that?" Sam asked, grossed out. "What? I wear them when I'm in a funk. It's a baseball thing. synchronized, sharp mind and empty bladder. I take it to mean he wore diapers? Or some sort of those rubber underpants with a built-in pee bottle. This fic has only just started, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's already a little disturbed. You get caught, demand an attorney and don't ever say my name. Okay, take one of these pills. Slip it under your tongue. It's the high-concentrate polymer they put in Oreo cookies. Tricks the polygraph every time." I have no idea what he's talking about. Would it have made any sort of sense if I'd actually watched the movie?Leo started mumbling. "I am not doing this, I don't hunt aliens, I'm not doing this." Who said anything about hunting aliens? I thought they were going to "ressurect" Optimus."Kid, kid, kid, you mess up this mission, you are dead to me." After the Meseum Closes Leo runs out of the bathroom, pants down Does anyone begin to see a pattern here?, yelling, "Yo, baba! Bad news, bro! Ran out of toilet paper! Uh.... Got any out here? Please tell me that you do." This is not a troll-fic. I'm just reminding you.He talks to one of the guards for a minute before tazing him, and himself in the nuts. I couldn't help but chuckle. That would probably hurt like "a thousand jellies on rye". And it took like a minute before the guard noticed Leo was nekkie from the waist down?
Is Leo mentally ill or something? Actually, I don't even want to know who he is.Sam got out the shard and it started guiding us towards one of the many planes untill Mikeala started chasing the mini Decepticon car. Ooookay. One of the very few things I know about the Transformers fandom is that the Decepticons are the enemy and pretty evil. So why is there a Decepticon car on the loose in a museum?"Follow him, he knows where hes going!" She yelled back at us. I would hope so! When we got to a black plane the shard of the allspark flew to it. Mikeala and Sam went to look underneath to see if it is an Autobot or Decepticon. Um, you already said it was a Decepticon."Shit," Mikeala curssed, "It's a Decepticon!" Dun. Dun. UND!
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Post by serkadios on Aug 2, 2012 5:48:22 GMT -8
Yep, I have read on of the chapters of this fic, the one where checks if she is really pregnant with Optimus. I didn't read the rest. Anyway, just so you know, someone made a Face the Strange rpgin RPG maker. dally.omgforum.net/t234-face-the-strange-the-rpgUnfortunately, it doesnt have the whole story, since it ends right at the scene where Shadow dies, but its still awesome Here is a lets play if you don't want to play it yourself.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 6, 2012 9:07:20 GMT -8
Tigeranne : I'm afraid everything Simmons and Leo do comes from the movie, actually. You have just had your first exposure to Michael Bay trying to be "humorous". serkadios : That's... That's awesome. Too bad he only gives the .exe file. If the project files had been available, I would have tried getting my hands on RPGMaker '03 - it looks like it was made on '03, at least - and finish it. ETA : It was actually made on VX. And there are all the files. My mistake. If I do find a working version of VX, I'll work on that.
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Post by serkadios on Aug 6, 2012 9:50:10 GMT -8
Tigeranne : I'm afraid everything Simmons and Leo do comes from the movie, actually. You have just had your first exposure to Michael Bay trying to be "humorous". serkadios : That's... That's awesome. Too bad he only gives the .exe file. If the project files had been available, I would have tried getting my hands on RPGMaker '03 - it looks like it was made on '03, at least - and finish it. ETA : It was actually made on VX. And there are all the files. My mistake. If I do find a working version of VX, I'll work on that. I have actually toyed around with an idea about making a BL RPG in style of this (which is why the Cullens want me snark is on hiatus ;D), but I have problems finding a good free program, since RPG maker costs money. I have found some and I am trying to learn them, but its kinda complicated and I don't have much time during the summer holidays anyway. Oh well, if I make any real progress and decide to do anything like that, you guys will be first to know ;D
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 6, 2012 10:24:55 GMT -8
Tigeranne : I'm afraid everything Simmons and Leo do comes from the movie, actually. You have just had your first exposure to Michael Bay trying to be "humorous". So the author has just copied all the crazy in this story? That's disappointing. Well, the robot baby is probably her original idea, I hope. But the random insanity the characters keep spewing was what made it seem so fresh. I guess the quotes look extra weird because they are out of context. Oh well...
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 7, 2012 13:11:07 GMT -8
^Yeah, Michael Bay isn't as crazy as to have a human/Transformer pregnancy plot. And… they're not exactly out of context. The whole "Leo gets his pants down" did come basically out of nowhere as their plan A to distract the security. serkadios : There are cracked versions of at least the XP version, since I have it on my PC — and it's a few months old, so the links should still be around. Although the problem with RPG Maker as a whole, at least for me, is that I was never able to find where in the code damage calculation was made, which means I never know what stats to give each character and enemy >< What're you using right now ? Maybe I can be of help ^^
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Post by serkadios on Aug 7, 2012 13:39:43 GMT -8
serkadios : There are cracked versions of at least the XP version, since I have it on my PC — and it's a few months old, so the links should still be around. Although the problem with RPG Maker as a whole, at least for me, is that I was never able to find where in the code damage calculation was made, which means I never know what stats to give each character and enemy >< What're you using right now ? Maybe I can be of help ^^ I use Rpgtoolkit. rpgtoolkit.net/home/It seems easy enough, there are lots of tutorials to help me and it seems flexible enough (I could make my own battle system if I wanted for example). So far, I haven't done much, just created a couple of test screens. One where Edward says that he is a vampire and you can say what you think about it. He will love you regardless of what you tell him ;D And another that's supposed to be the intro scene, but the only thing I done there is a teacher saying that you look sexah the first time you talk to him and that he is not a pedo if you talk to him the second time.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 20, 2012 16:48:55 GMT -8
I'm going to snark the updates to CtR. It's only one or two chapters. And then, my friends... then I take on The Assassins' Diaries!!!OK, I lied. There are three chapters left.Creating the Risque, Chapter 15: Return of a Monster
Summary:- This is certainly going to tug at you're heart strings as the old man takes a stance against the monster of his heart. Who thinks that this is going to be painful?It was a cool and frosty morning in Ohio It's not for Lovers. as Assef cooked breakfast for everyone. With the Old Man taking his time and being the Master Nun for two weeks, he had now taken off as the patriarch of the family. So Assef is in charge? That's... not promising. Assef hummed quietly to himself as he put the toast in the toaster. He felt as though everything was right in the world, which is to say that he had finally found a place where he belonged and shined. So they are still the picture-ferfect family of teen sociopaths, werewolves and a vampire kid.After a few moments, Tomas came down. "Morning, sweeting," Assef said, smiling at him. "It certainly is a good morning, Assef, and you are making the breakfast which I am sure Wali and Kamal will appreciate since we cannot eat on account of being vampires and all." Tomas explained. And Tomas is suddenly really eloquent again.Assef just smiled at him and ruffled the child's hair. "Well, you know that I am now the head of this house, so I gotta take care of you all." Assef: Now we'll have NAZI RULE in the house!He rectified. Tomas just chortled to himself as he got out some eggs and put them in a pan. He turned on the oven and a gust of smoke flew up at him. "CAREFUL!" Assef shouted, reaching forward, whom to save the child from getting burned. He slapped Tomas right in the face. Talys predicted that Assef would go psycho without George. It seems he was right."OWWW!" Tomas wailed. "What ya go and crack me for?" Assef just hauled him away from the smoking eggs, which is to mention that his fingers are digging into his arms, and flung him onto the chair. Tomas just sat there sobbing while Assef layed into him. And we have quality parenting. Go Assef."Don't you EVER go near an egg again, do you hear? You could have gotten burned alive, and then where we have been? Just like JOHANN! Do you hear me? Don't EVER do that again!" He said nothing about hot stoves, or fireworks, or matches, or dynamite, or... etc. He screamed as he began to crack the child on the head with a nearby book. Somebody rescue Tomas. Like right now. Even Edward would be a better guardian.Tomas just cried and cried, which means that he is very sad. DUUUH!!! Until then, Assef calms down and hugs the child to him. "You need to learn to care more, Tomas, I can't give you the world. Your my brother and if you don't take yourself seriously, you will die a horrible death. I love you. Don't cry anymore. Do you promise not to do anything as stupid as face an egg alone again?" If he has a strange terror of entering a grocer's after this, I suppose we know why."I promise, Assef and I'm sorry I made you mad." Psychopaths make you say that!"You don't worry one bit, little one, there are eggs everywhere." Wali explained Um, exactly. Tomas will have to dress up in full bio-hazard gear when he goes outside. And when he opens the fridge. as he came in with Kamal who was tired from his day. Assef just smiles and throws the eggs in the air, they hit the roof and stayed up there. I don't even..."NOOOOOOOO" said Tomas, which it is sad to see his good work go to waste. They all sat down and started eating the breakfast, which is when the old man comes in and sits down as well. "Afternoon, Father Old, Hee hee hee! ;D how was work today?" Kamal asked politely. "Now, now, there were no problems, and I even got a little girl adopted into a loving family." But wasn't it a boys only home?"Well, isn't that nice to see a family?" Assef asked, rubbing Tomas's back. Tomas is still crying because of his pain in the face which had been struck hard by Assef. I have already say what I have got to say in the matter... After a few moments, they all had to decide what they were going to do. "I think we should all go to the orphanage to sing them a song to cheer them up on account on what happens when they all die." The Old Man said. Yeah, that's cheerful."Now, now, Father Old (they must call him this as he is the new master) I don't really think that's good." Assef explained. "I have a bad feeling about that. I feel as though something is going to go very wrong, which is when we say something will go wrong." Then don't say that anything will go wrong, and it won't."You worry too much, Assef, you truly are. I think we will be fine because we have the Master Nun on our side. Before, we didn't have the Master on our side, he was in cahoots with Edward Culen, now he is our father." Tomas said. "I suppose your right, Tomas, and we must not be afraid as we had been before. Come, child." Assef said and then they all went to the orphanage again. Then, they saw something which made their blood run cold. The orphanage was on fire, and the children were inside. Who did such a THONG?"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!" said the old man, which is when he gets the runs inside to save the children. I think Tomas is about to become orphan again.Assef ran in after him, wet from the fire. So he's melting? He was crying because he knew that there was trouble afoot. Assef has cried about once every chapter for the later half of this story. Not so tough, after all? The old man came flying towards the door with some children in his arms. He tossed the children out of the burning inferno and went running back. Then, he heard a scream. He would recognise that scream anywhere. "Assef!" said the old man, which is when he sees Assef being held over a pit of fire by Edward Cullen. I know I say this a lot, but I LOVE evil Edwards!"Hahahahaha, now you will lose everything, Elderly Man." screamed Edward. He's still politically correct."NOOOOOO!" Oh, right. I'm doing a count of these things. But since it's been months, and I can't remember what the count was on, I'll just have to go back later. said the old man, then he got a rope. Then, the ground below Edward snapped, and then, they went falling into the fire. Are they going to hell? Has Rose been reading KVDS? Assef screamed as they went down, down, down, down. The old man swung by on a rope, but it was too short. I'm starting to wonder if George could be the Old Man from Up."Assef, take my hand!" He shouted. Then he saw Assef falling, and he reaches out to take his hand. Assef and the old man swung up, as the old man wrapped an arm around Assef's waist. He swung up high but then the rope started to fry. "NO!" He shouted. He saw something safe, which is when he saw Assef was going to throw himself onto the scaffolding. "Assef, I'm going to throw you up there. Okay? Hold on now." "What about you?" Assef said. "Don't worry about me. Ready now?" They were singing in the air. Assef flew up into the air, and then, he grabbed Assef and said, "Let go, Assef, and Wali and Kamal will catch you. Shh, don't you worry." "I..." Assef said, and then, Assef let go off the rope, and he went flying through the air, then he saw himself fall. But then some hands came out of nowhere and caught him. It was Wali and Kamal which caught him. The old man went falling into the pit of fire. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Assef said, and then he made a bridge out of a long rope and he swung down into the pit and then he went flying along then he hit the wall and started skidding along, he disappeared into the pit. "Assef, nooooooooo!" Yesssssssssssssssssss! shouted Wali as he flew into the room and he slapped himself in the face, Because the middle of an emergency is still the best place to commit self harm. and then Assef came up with the old man in his arms, Yaayy! I like Assef 0.5% better now! and then, they swung onto the scaffolding and hugged which means that they are save. For now, at least. Is it weird to like the characters in a trollfic? Because I actually do in this one. Or maybe Adriana and Alexandra have broken my brain.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 20, 2012 17:35:13 GMT -8
My liking of Assef has increased by an infinite percentage of its previous. Which was zero. So… my liking of him is now indeterminate. Just math-nerding, though, I still hate him.
But this chapter is really good. I had forgotten that, all things considered, Ariana/Rosie is not too bad of a troll. When she actually puts effort in what she does, at least.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 21, 2012 8:07:26 GMT -8
I think what makes Ariana such an enduring troll is that she has the ability to change her MO and is willing to experiment. Not everything has been equally successful. I think she reached her absolute low point around Christmas last year, when she wrote those fics that were just a bunch of sentences, and paired Assef up with Winnie the Pooh. Creating the Risque seems to have begun as a serious fic, that turned to trolling after we discovered she was Ariana. Unless of course this is just a very good copy-cat. Nah, I think she's the real thing. So yeah. Time to snark the last two chapters so far. I need a practice run before I make myself Alexandra's enemy by ripping her fic a new one.Creating the Risque, Chapter 16, Burn in the Fire, part 2
Summary:- Please enjoy this next installment of my favourite work that I ever did. This is one of those chapters that are mostly just copy/paste lyrics. Joy.The orphanage was ruined, it was falling down. The old man were holding onto Assef, with his arm around his waist. He could not believe that Assef had become the hero of the hour Who could? and saves his life from being thrown into the fire pit. Assef was sitting down when he was shaken from his ordeal. "Thank you for saving me, Assef, and thank you for coming to my rescue." "No problem, your my father, and I don't want to lose you when you die." Assef explains. So you're going to keep his rotting husk in the house, then?They all looked down at the fire which was getting worse. The orphanage is already burned down, so is it a forest fire now? There were some police men there Tomas! Run to the police officers! This is your chance! and the fire brigade, but they couldn't get out. Then, the old man realized that he would have to save his son, on what Assef had done to save him from dying in the fire. And the ongoing theme of rescuing useless Assef seems to go on. He tied a rope around the scaffolding Wasn't that also burned up. and then he tied the rope around himself. He looped the rope around a beam, which was the only strong beam in the now destroyed orphanage. "Hold on everyone, he said, and he jumped off the balcony. A balcony is not scaffolding, but OK.Assef, Wali, Kamal, and Tomas screamed as the old man swan dived towards the fire, and the scaffolding was pulled down with him. Tomas started to fall off then Assef grabbed him, but then, just as they were about to go into the fire, the old man pulled the scaffold straight again What have I always said? George must be some sort of retired Super Hero. Rosie, I demand to hear his heroic back story of crime fighting and saving the world from certain destruction!, and they were heading for the window. Then, they hit the window, which is to say, the old man got glass in his eyes, which made him blind. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Poor George! Then, they were flying through the air, and they landed on the side of the grass, They crashed into some vertical grass, I see. until Tomas fell off the scaffolding He's not on it anymore. This is reminiscent of Adriana, who keeps using a word long after the situation it was (half way) appropriate for is over. AND I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE ADRIANA ISN'T ARIANA EITHER! and started to fall to the ground. "Tomas, Tomas... NOOO!" Assef screamed to seeing his baby brother falling to the hard ground, which will surely kill Tomas, Vampires can take a tumble. So unless he falls into the fire, he should be safe. which will break his heart. Assef was flailing his arms around; Tomas was going to slam head first into the ground, until the old man sees what's happening and he turns the scaffolding around Is there anything left of it? and catches Tomas around the waist in his strong arms. Rosie, I said this in a comment, but I need to say it here as well: The Old Man is the only half way useful person around here. The young men are three wussy failures. You need to make him a vampire so he can be around for ever, else the kids have no chance!Assef just smiles in relief and as Tomas holds onto the old man, they both go into the grass, until the old man puts out his feet and skits along the grass, until they all fall to the grass in safety. George rules!"Why?" asked the old man, looking up at the fire which is when he sees the death of all the children; He could have saved them all if Assef wasn't so good at getting himself and Tomas into peril All. The. Time. he felt as though he had failed them. Then, they went home, until Assef was greeted by a man who seemed to know everything on what to do for when Assef is being a pyschopath on when he attacks on Hassan. Then, he was sad. Who was this man? I like him already!After a few moments, the firemen had the fire under control, which means that it had been put out. They were all very frightened over their ordeal, except for the old man, he is angry that Edward has returned to almost kill himself and his family. I can't say I understand Edward's motivations here. Assef ran away and didn't want to be his companion, but that isn't reason to go and kill every person who happens to know him.He was also thankful that his son had once more been a hero I think this was the first time. and rescued him from when he dies in the fire. So, to express his extremist grattiude, he starts to sing. Oh no. Oh nonononono. Okay, then.
The song is All the Way From A to Z by Jay-Z. And as usual with this type of song, you're not getting the video because the lyrics are stupid enough in print!Old ManTurn the lights all the way Turn the lights all the way down What Uhhuh Yeah (Uhh) Come on Big flow (GGRRRRRR) Oh no! That's Edwart! Ruuuuuun!Come on yeah come on Kamal and WaliYo Yo J-A-Y, I flow sick Fuck all y'all haters blow dick Oh, so mature!I spits the game for those that throw bricks Money cash hoes money cash chicks what Are there any rap songs that have other themes anymore?Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street Only wife of mines is a life of crime And since, life's a bitch in mini-skirts and big chests How can I not flirt with death That's life's a nigga, long as life prevent us We gonna send a lot and pray to Christ forgive us Because that's not hypocritical at all?TomasFuck it *Washes Tomas' mouth with soap*Ice the wrists and raise the price on these niggaz Y'all cant floss on my level No, make sure you do EVERY tooth. You're about to get your permanent set.I'll invite you all to get wit us if ya ball is glitter So I guess only Edward is invited.When I go all the harlem playaz wall my picture If you get close enough you can read the scripture It reads money cash hoes how real was that nigga what FiremanMoney cash hoes money cash hoes (WHAT) Money cash hoes money cash hoes (UHH) Money cash hoes money cash hoes (COME ON) Money cash hoes (WHAT) hoes (WHAT) hoes (WHAT) Is this song some sort of parody on modern rap? Because that would make a lot of sense.WaliFlavors robust platinum and gold touch Y'all rap now, fast money lets slow it up Niggaz try to stop Jay-Z to no luck Roc-A-Fella foreva CEO what what Us the villains, fuck your feelings While yall playa hate we in the upper millions Whats the dealings (huh) its like New York's been soft Ever since Snoop came through and crushed the buildings I'm tryin to restore the feelings fuck the law keep dealing Assef I can actually see pre-Taliban Assef as a rapper, if he lived in the 21rst century.More money more cash more chilling I know they gone criticize the hook on this song There is nothing about it worth praising!Like I give a fuck I'm just a crook on this song Bed-Stuy Brooknon took on the world LOLWHO?Shit I led a life you can write a book on Sex murder and mayhem romance for the street Man and I tell ya itll be the best seller Tomas and Old ManD-M-X and my dogs bite Jigga my nigga rhyme all night Thugs for life one night with this rap shit He admits it's shit, at least.Let em go and I bet they know what'll happen When we clap shit Actin like we owe em something Then we show em something Talk greasy I think they found em down the road or something Fuckin wit a madman in a bad mood You mean Assef?AssefIts like fuckin wit a mad dog that wasnt fed food You mean Edward?And the only thing thats stoppin him is you Cause the only thing that he'll be droppin is you Topic include; choppin in two That was an emergency rhyme, wasn't it?Drop it to Clue and the response from the street This was one dog that loves raw meat Old ManBut gettin back to just cause I, love my niggaz I shed blood, for my niggaz Let a nigga holler where my niggaz All I'ma hear is right here my nigga I like the word "nigger" about as much as I like "faggot". Which is not at all. It sounds disgusting even when someone with the right privileges use them.Everyone (in harmony)Roc-A-Fella shit uhhuh Ruff Ryders My nigga Swizz Uhhuh uhhuh Dont stop biatch Uh Uhhuh yeah Old ManInspect the game yo After that the song was done, the old man turns to hug Assef, and he says, This is Assef speaking, not George. "once you made sure that I would always be by your side, you were always there whenever I needed on someone to help. To help YOU. You forgot an important little word there. You would always catch me on whenever I would fall, or whenever I needed someone to be there for me. Well, now it's my turn to show that there is someone there to help you. You were the father I could have oily dreamed of You have oily dreams about your Dad? Not sure I want to know.. Do you think my real father would have caught me, no, NOOO, Oh yeah, the counting thing. I'll do it right in the next chapter. he would have left to die in that fire, but you, you risked your own life on what to save me. You were the one who jumped in, even though doing so meant the cost of your own life, which means that I am truly greatful. To lose you would mean the breakage of my own heart, but which means that to lose me would mean to breakage of yours. And today, you have shown them you are the hero of the hour, until you save Tomas from dying which means that he is also the spirit of your heart, until you save Wali and Kamal from Edward, we are greatful. Truly." Assef says with tears in his eyes. Assef is getting good at the purple prose thing. Now he can start writing vampire novels.The old man says onto Assef, "Assef, you are the only son I really had, WHAT ABOUT TOMAS? AND KAMAL OR WALI??? until I die, which I will do to protect you, I will protect you from whatever. You have unleashed an almighty power unto me, whom is love, whom means that until I die, I will protect you until I die. Which means that no matter what, I am always by your side, ready and willing to save you from harms way. He seems to realize that it will never change, at least. I am you're garden angel Pffffffff! ;D who will protect you from whatever life throws, no matter what. And you seen that you are willing to save me as well, who warrants a huge thank you from when I almost died, but you, Assef, you jumped into the fie to rescue me. And I seen that you are growing up into the spirit." So he smiles with tears in his eyes, until Assef just laughs and they all remember a spirit. And they all lived happily until the next chapter.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 21, 2012 9:03:15 GMT -8
This is the currently last chapter. After this, I'll have to get started on Assassins' Diaries unless CtR gets updated. Hint, hint, Rosie...Creating the Risque, Chapter 17: Blood Truth
Summary:- In this chapter, the old man realizes a dark truth, as we reach the ultimate climax. I've decided that this story is only going to be about twenty chapters long, and then we will have a sequel. So please until you enjoy this story... wait for the next story which will explore the characters of Tomas and his parents. So please, let's enjoy!This is hopeful!It had now been three full weeks since the fire in the orphanage. The children had been moved from temporary housing in Westerville, and the Master Nun was now uprooting his family, forcing them to live their too. Were there any children left? BTW I don't think being "forced" to move out of the dingy roadside motel they lived in will be too traumatic for the boys. Which meant that he and his sons would be safe from Edward Cullen. You think? He had decided it would be time to move on from the death of Johann, who was dead, and in truth to the spirit, decided that he was going to marry Luigo; Hang on. Wasn't Luigo also dead? I can't even remember. he fell in love with Luigo's beautiful spirit, and the help that he gave to him until his beloved dies. So he cheated on Johann with Luigo? Even though the old man was happy, and he knew he was going to die soon once he was one hundred years old, in about three years, Assef was not happy from his father's marriage. Plz make him a vampire, Rosie. We haven't EVER seen a vampire in fanfic that was turned when they were old!He did not wish for anyone else to intrude upon the falsehood of the life that he had made with Tomas; whom was NOT his little brother. There was a large pond near to where they had moved. There was also a lot of trees, which made it easy for someone to hide in the trees, Yeah, like vampire stalker-dude Edward. as large as the night sky, and as small as a snail. There was a profound sense of loss that was felt by anyone who passed them on by. It was here when Luigo decided that he knew full well of his adopted son's evil heritage; I like Luigo! that he didn't want to allow a murderous rapist to remain in his home. I LIKE Luigo! He's a man of traditional values! He was afraid upon Tomas would be raped or attacked, and he wanted to protect him. Best parent in this story so far! So he decided to look on his computer; for some evidence. He searched upon Tomas' name, "Tomas Adefrek." Is that even a name? Upon reading it, he was shocked in apalled! MISSING SIX YEAR OLD BOY TOMAS ADEFREK PRESUMED DEAD! Oh, so there HAS been a search for him! And so many people have seen him and not noticed! "Hmm, this story is saying that this young boy has been stolen from his parents when his mother leave the car alone from she going to be shop, upon when she comes back, she finds her son has been stolen, and her car. And the translation salad returns! But when the car is found; it is found by where the old man's motel was, upon knocking at the door, he tells her that he has sent the child to the orphanage. So she goes there, but he has already left, but he has been missing for a year. Don't think it could have been more than half a year at most, but who cares about timelines in a trollfic? Until such time as when she believes he will return, but he has died. Unfortunately, the father of Tomas has had a heart attack and died; until he returns from the dead. So she know that her husband will be a zombie at some point? Goes well with a vampire son. And she will never give up on trying to find Tomas alive." Luigo said to himself. He was shocked and surprised. Is it possible that Assef could have stolen Tomas and passed him off as his own brother? Oh, come on Luigo! Don't you get all daft too! Assef is also pretty stupid for not even changing Tomas' surname.Luigo quickly printed off the page and raced down the stairs which is to warn the old man. "Oh my love! My love what terrible news that I have printed off on this page!" roared Luigo. He came down the stairs, which means that he slams the paper down. "Here's Assef?" He ask. "Gone out to buy some groceries..." said the old man. He sat down and put an arm around his lover. "When I go on the computer, to look up somethings about things I am concerned about, until I see this article." Luigo is foreign (Spanish, wasn't it?) so maybe he actually talks like that.The old man reads the article with shock and a surprise. "What is it, Luigo? That you believe this? It is because you are just jealous of Assef; which means that you do not band well with him, until you are upset by how he behaves. And you believe that I am evil; because he is disgusted by your behaviour. Well I am a family guy, until I believe in you, perhaps well it is time for the best to happen." The old man says. Nope this is Babelfishing.Assef sit at the top of the stairs and here's what's happening; he's pissed. IT was Assef and he was MAD!So he waits until Luigo is coming back up the stairs, and he attack. Boo! So he falls down on Luigo and bites him on the neck. Vampire Luigo! Until Luigo starts to struggle and then he punches him in the face. Luigo roles over and kicks Assef to the floor. Yay! Assef is sad; Oh boo hoo. Go cry emo boi! until Tomas return and bite on his dad's neck too. Great. You've raised the boy well, I must say. It means that he is having a sozire. Assef reaches forward and snaps Assef's neck; Assef killed himself? I don't believe that!he collapses and dies. "NOOOOOOOO!" 23! says the old man, upon whom he sees another husband dead on the floor. Poor old George.He sees Assef in a new light. Yesssssssssssssssss! Finally!"What happens" asks the old man; when she sees the blood all over the floor, until it is there a dead Luigo. Please, Rosie. Stop it with the "until" and "which means". They are getting old."Hmm... it seems also that someone snick in. And when you were downstairs, I hear a sound, until I see a men in black, attacking the Luigo. Until he is dying; I attempt to save him, I hope Goergoedoesn't believe this crap? but I seen that the old man stabs him in the heart. OK, he'd have problems believing THAT at least. Certainly I seen that he is dying, but I seen that he snaps his own neck Riiiight... until he tries to save himself, but I seen. That it goes all wrong." Assef explained with teary eyes. Wali put an arm around his friend to give him some comfort in this turbulent time. Um, what about your recently widowed Dad?"Oh, okay, don't you worry kiddies, it means that we will help you to find you who did this." The old man say. "Farewell, my Luigo. Good night upon the time you rise again the spirit will come back to find you. Upon the time that Johann rises again in the spirit, which means that he opens your eyes; until you fall for me; I will guide you to the spit; so that you can come back and romance the true heart. As I will let you unleash your love to the SPIRIT!" The old man roared. Uh... OK then.Wali thinks of the perfect song for the situation and he starts to sing. And when that hapen, everyone joins in. And the "perfect"song for the situation is apparently Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. You're not getting the video!WaliI get it cracking like a bad back B-tch talkin' she the queen, when she looking like a lab rat I'm Angelina, you Jennifer Oh burn! I bet Jennifer loves this song.Come on b-tch, you see where Brad at Ice my wrist's then I piss on b-tches Um that line about icing wrists was in the Jay-Z song too. Weird.AssefYou can suck my diznik if you take this jizzes I thought Nicki Minaj was a girl! You don't like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business Cause I pull up and I'm stuntin' but I aint a stuntman That's TRUTH!Yes I'm rockin' Jordan but I aint a jumpman Kamal
B-tches play the back cause they know I'm the front man Put me on the dollar cause Im who they trusting Ayo SB, whats the f-cks good? We ship platinum, them b-tches are shipping wood Them nappy headed hoes but my kitchen good I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish A b-tch wooooooooooooooooooooooooould... Old ManYou a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (x3) You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) (stupid, stupid) Archdeacon Where did HE come from. He's about to join the Priest from the wedding in the ranks of the excomunicated now! Look bubbles go back to your habitat MJ gone and I aint having that How you gon' be the stunt double to the nigga monkey Top of that I'm in the Phantom looking hella chunky Assef/Wali/KamalIce my wrist's then I piss on b-tches SLASH them because I'm a goff!You can suck my diznik if you take this jizzes You don't like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business KamalCause I pull up in that Porsche but I aint a Rossi Pretty b-tches can only get in my posse Yes My name is Roman, last name is Zolanski But no relation to Roman Polanski No, because it's not the SAME NAME, genius.Hey yo, baby Bop, f-ck you and your EP TomasWho's gassin' this hoe? BP? And suddenly I like BP. Hmm thinks, 1,2,3, do the Nicki Minaj blink Cause these hoes so busted Hoes is so crusty, these b-tches is my sons And I don't want custody I can sort of see how this song is relevant now.Hoes so busted Hoes is so crusty, these b-tches is my sons And I don't want custody WaliYou a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (x3) You a stupid hoe, (yeah) you a, you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) (stupid, stupid) Kamal and AssefIf you cute than a cuckooroll If you sexy eat my cuckooroll Put ya cape on, you a super hoe 2012, Im at the superbowl Firemen/Ambulance Are these guys still hanging round?Stupid hoes is my enemy Stupid hoes is so wack Stupid hoe shoulda befriended me Then she coulda prolly came back AssefStupid hoes is my enemy Stupid hoes is so wack Stupid hoe shoulda befriended me Then she coulda prolly came back You're a stupid hoe You're a stupid hoe F-ck you stupid hoe I said f-ck a stupid hoe, F-ck a stupid hoe I said f-ck a stupid hoe, F-ck a stupid hoe Old ManI am the female Weezy... It is "Stupid Hoe" by Nicki Minaj. Until it means that has returned hahahaSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!!!!!!!!!
Next up: The Assassins' Diaries!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 21, 2012 18:05:16 GMT -8
Woohoo ! A world of joy, excitement and wonders is waiting for you now ! ;D
And I agree that Ariana's strength is indeed that ability to do several kinds of trolling. Now, if only she didn't like sociopaths so much… *sigh*
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 22, 2012 15:47:28 GMT -8
It's that time again. Time to dive head first into the insanity of a troll. The victim this time is The Assassin's Diaries by AlexSalvatoreMiles.
The first chapter is rather innocent, and even a little dull, but the story gets infinitely worse soon enough.A/N: Heyyyyyy! So this is my first story, it's Twilight/The Vampire Diaries/Assassin's Creed. Hope you enjoy!Chapter 1 of the Assassin Diaries: Mystique FallsThe hometown of Dally's mom? Alexandre Hawke Jacob Miles rides his motorcycle in the middle of the night into the town of Mystique Falls, Virginia. We need a song to set the mood.He looked everywhere for a place to hide and hopes that this will be it, where he could finally settle down. Hopefully he hasn't brought with him a kidnapped vampiric child.He's so tired of running. He That's three sentences in a row starting with "he". already has an appointment with a Jenna what's-her-name, a real estate The real estate is called Jenna? Good thing you clarified that, else we'd think that Jenna Whatshername was the agent., but he's arrived earlier than planned. How's he going to buy a house if he's only 17? Even if he'd robbed a bank for cash, he'd still need a guardian's signature for the purchase to go through.In the darkest hour of the middle of the night. Even the moon and the stars weren't showing as if they wanted him to be scared. But the dark doesn't scare him, only one thing does (A/N: Foreshadowing!). We'll find out soon enough, I guess. But you don't put in an Author's Note in the middle of the story to say "Foreshadowing". That's a technique you're supposed to only discover the use of when the foreshadowed event occurs.There's only one bar in town so he left his bike in front of it and goes in (A/N: he doesn't care about it but you will find out why later) Unless it's a major plot point, which I can't imagine it is, just say why., ready to spend the night there, alone, brooding over the last few months. He had recently been turned into a vampire by a vagrant named Edward, who had a falling out with his idealistic father over drinking human blood, and... Ooops, wrong story.He sits at the counter, and orders a vodka. The barman asks for his ID, but one glare sends him away. If he wanted a drink, scaring the bartender away is a little stupid. Alex is only 17, but everyone tells him that he looks much older and hotter than a regular 17-year-old Oh yes! We can't have an uglah protagonist., being tall with tan skin, blue eyes and black hair with blonde highlights (which are totally natural BTW). I think that's biologically impossible. Black hair can fade a lot in sunlight, but it doesn't become highlights. He acted older too, probably because of his childhood. I'm sure he's had a tragic upbringing that includes orphanages, pedophiles, violent stepdads, drug lords, werewolves and spinach.He sips his drink hoping it will erase the influx of memories but it doesn't. After an hour of sipping his drink Either he ordered a bucket, or he drinks really slowly. (he cold buy another 1 but he doesn't want to be drunk !) I thought he wanted to forget. That doesn't happen as long as he keeps his wits about him. Not to advocate drinking to stupor or anything, but he kind of fails at tough and lonesome., a distraction finally shows up: a man comes to sit next to him, lounging on the barstool like a gracious lascivious Ahaa. So it's not "laviscious" as Adriana spells it! OK, gotta give Alexandra credit for spelling, at least. feline. Please tell me he isn't into animals! I do NOT want this to go in the direction of a threesome with a cheetah! He's really hot, taller and older-looking than Alex, pale, with blue eyes and black hair, and his muscles show under his tight white shirt. Judgeing by the pictures she's put up, I have to agree that Damon is rather on the good looking end of the spectrum. Not my type, but definitely attractive.He looks at Alex and asks "Who're you?" Alex: I'm a random dude in a bar. Do you normally say that to every stranger you meet, on the street, in the post office, at Tesco...?Alex looked away, trying to stop a blush from covering his face, because he realizes he has unconsciously been staring at the man. Alex: He was really sexah, so I decided I wanted to be his boyfriend."I'm Alex." "New in town are ya?" So I guess Damon hangs at this bar every day of his life, and knows everyone who ever comes in."Yeah. I have come to live here." The other man smirks. "And why would anyone live in this lost hole willingly?" And who's forcing Damon to live there?Alex doesn't answer. That's none of your bisuness he thinks. "And who are you?" he asks instead. The smirk turns into a laugh and damn if it isn't sexy as hell, Alex could almost get a boner just from this laugh. Uh-oh. FTS vibes..."I'm Damon Salvatore." He calls out to the barman and buys Alex another drink. "So tell me more about you Alex." I wonder how he'd react if Alex started going on and on about his collection of Star Wars toys."There isn't much to tell." "Really? "Are you running away from your family? From the law? You can tell me anything, I'll keep your secrets." He says that last sentence with a playful tone, and licked his lips in a way Alex doesn't fail to notice. Unfortunately for his pants which are becoming wayyy too tight. Alex, you dumbo! Put your peehole away! >.<Alex looks away, trying to focus on anything but Damon. He hears the man say in a disappointed voice "Too bad. I'm sure we could been great friends." "No, wait!" Alex: I am would like to buy some Buties Botts! he realizes he doesn't want that Damon leaves. "I juste don't have much friends I can trust. Not used to it." He turns to face him again and sees him smiling at him. "Yeah I ran away from my family. My dad. He hated me and my brother Desmond but he left and I don't know where he is now. I don't know anyone else in the world." Alex: Because he kept me locked up in a cupboard under the stairs with spiders, and homeschooled us with a cane, and made me cook breakfast every day, and stole my mail, and I only got his old socks for Christmas."That's sad. "You don't have anyone to look out for you." "Yeah." But Alex didn't think that's sad, more liberating. "I can look out for you if you want." Creep Alert! Creep Alert!Alex smiles for the first time since he left home. "I'd like that." he says, Gullible much? giggling like a stupid teenager and punching himself mentally for it. He does indeed fail at this whole "lone wolf" thing."Where do you live? I can give you a ride if you want." "I don't actually live anywhere right now. I meet a real estate tomorrow." Alex: My new house is called Jenna!Damon looked pleasured by that. "You can spend the night at my house if you want." And there was that lip-licking again. Seriously, Alex. Too dumb to live!That can't be worse that spending it in a basically dead bar. Wanna bet? In fact it can be much better. Or it could end up like in Hostel, or The Human Centipede."Okay." he says trying to control his tone. "Good. Come on, let's go." Damon leads him out of the bar and tells him that his car is in a street Alex doesn't know and he's forced to follow him. No,he's not. There are no chains on his feet. He's free to go back to the bar and get a room for the night. After walking for ten minutes Damon turns into an alleyway, so dark and pitch-black Alex can barely see him. He follows anyway because he's not scared of the dark, only one thing scares him. Foreshadowing scares him.They didn't go very far before Damon stops. He then turns around, grabs Alex's shoulders and pins him against the wall. Uh-oh.Even in the dim light, Alex can see that his eyes are darkened but not with lust, at least not the one Alex expected. Under Damon's eyes, black marks appear, Black marks? Sounds like their vampires are different. and from his open mouth, Alex sees teeth growing, like fangs. Maybe because they ARE fangs?"You're going to kill me now aren't you?" He knows what's in front of him: a vampire. He gets it quicker than Bella, at least."Was I that obvious?" Damon says with an evil chuckle. Not at all. All monsters have fangs. I think."Go ahead." "Beg you pardon?" "Go ahead. I don't fear death." Only wrongly used foreshadowing. Then he plants his fangs in Alex's neck Like the Titanic! who yells in pain. For a few seconds he feels the life flowing out of him and his conscious slip away. However, when he's about to fall into the delicious cozy darkness of oblivion, he feels the other man pull away, a horrified look on his face. Then Alex felt into unconscience. Dun dun UND!A/N: So thats chapter 1. What do you think? Please tell me.What do I think... So far there is not even a single hint that this is anything other than an honest to goodness crossover fic. If I was a fan of VD, I'd probably think this was super exiting, and would take the bait hook, line and sinker. Only to be grossed out by what happens next.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 22, 2012 16:27:15 GMT -8
In the darkest hour of the middle of the night. Even the moon and the stars weren't showing as if they wanted him to be scared. But the dark doesn't scare him, only one thing does (A/N: Foreshadowing!). We'll find out soon enough, I guess. But you don't put in an Author's Note in the middle of the story to say "Foreshadowing". That's a technique you're supposed to only discover the use of when the foreshadowed event occurs.I am disappoint by your missing this obvious Erin reference. (Okay, not really ^^) But yay, you're starting to snark this ! Now all you need to do is post it on Alex's profile and we'll be set for deliciously horrifying revenge chapters. I hope, at least.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 22, 2012 16:38:44 GMT -8
I have a feeling she'll know about it even if I don't. I probably miss a lot of Erin references, since I'm not as familiar with her work. Oh well.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 22, 2012 17:14:48 GMT -8
How you can be unfamiliar with Erin when the BL thread is the biggest around is beyond me. You should really catch up ;D
(And I have that feeling as well.)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 22, 2012 17:20:57 GMT -8
But I'm kind of allergic to BL... I've read at least two snarkings of it, but it's just not a personal favourite.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 22, 2012 17:39:34 GMT -8
^I know, you mentioned that before, I was just teasing ^^
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 23, 2012 13:13:20 GMT -8
Alright, then... New chapter of the world's best Vampire Diaries/Assassin's Creed crossover. A/N: Yay I got some reviews! Thank you people! Chapter 2 of TAD: Salvator "Salvatore" means saviour. Maybe I do spot an Erin reference.Alex wakes up on the largest most comfortable sofa he's ever seen. And he realizes, naked, with only a thin white sheet covering him. Ooops. That's what you get for going of with strange vampires. He wraps it around his waste So he shat in the bed? as he gets up and looks around the room he was in. It is richly decorated, with old wooden furnitures and golden linings everywhere he looked at. This was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Thank goodness he's talking about a room!Footsteps alert him of the presence of someone behind him. It was a dude, looks slightly older than Alex and has brown hair and eyes which are totally boring and common such as the ones Desmond has, Way to talk about your brother! except even more boring and common. Only the Stu and his BFs are allowed to be sexah. He looks at Alex in confusement. "So you're my bother's new toy." He says. Damon gets on this guy's nerves, I guess.Alex frowns. "I'm not a toy. My name's Alex and I have no idea how I got here or where here is." Common guy nods slowly. "I'm Stephan Salvatore, Damon's brother. From what I heard last night he brought you here in our home." His brother? Then he had to be a vampire too. People are rarely born vampires, so no, not necessarily. Alex looks around the room for something which he could defend himself with Garlic? Steak? but there is nothing, so he tries to stall for time. "Where are my clothes? And my stuff?" Stephan shrugs his shoulders. "Aaaah, he's awake!" a voice comes from nowhere in the house. Damon comes in only a second later. "What's up?" "Give me back my clothes and let me go, vampire" Alex says, calming himself down. Stephan looks angry that Alex knew about that, but fuck him (A/N not literally!). Of course not! He isn't SEXY!"OK, sure." Damon vanishes from the room with his vampire superspeed and comes back a second later with a black leather bag. "I can give you a ride if you like." "As if I'm going to have faith in you, who were trying to kill me last night." Maybe he's going to get smarter? Nah."But I didn't." "Yeah well whatever mate (A/N: Harry Potter reference! Isn't that great?) I don't care." Harry Potter is a goldmine of cool quotes, and you go for "Whatever, mate"? I can't even remember where that was.Alex takes his bag and finds the bathroom where he locks himself to put on his clothes. They're bloodstained but since they're black it doesn't show too much and at least everything's still there especifically his armbracer. Thank whatever for that (A/N Alex is an atheist but he has a good reason keep reading and you'll see!). Don't we even get to know what sort of atheist he is? Maybe he's the type who thinks aliens created the universe.When he is clothed again he gets out of the bathroom and tries to leave the house but Damon is in front of the front door. "Alex, wait!" He says. "I spared you because there was something different about you. Something special. He sensed Alex's Stuness. And I wanted to know you better. Can you give me a chance to make it up to you? It's just one car ride." Alex glares at him because his last offer of a car ride ended with his fangs in his neck but he guesses now that he knows he wouldn't be surprised by the vampire and can defend himself. How? He didn't find any garlic or steak. And I doubt he owns a Crucifix."Yeah ok whatever." Idiot.Damon smiles at him and his smile is just radiantly beautiful and holy shit why can't Alex control his thoughts around this guy? He hopes neither of them is of the mind reading sparkly kind. So Twilight is still canon in this story? Oh no. Since he has seen them in the sun in the living room and they didn't sparkle so he guesses not. Not every sparkly campire can read thought, you know. And not every telepathic vampire is sparkly. Lestat from The Vampire Chronicles reads thoughts too. In fact, I think all the vampires from VC can.Damon has a supercool glossy black sportscar (A/N: I don't know anything about cars so if you have suggestions about the brand and model please give them!) I found this really unusual thing on a Sims site, when I was looking for a car for a spoiled rich girl. It was a 2009 BMW EfficientDynamics Concept. The Stu's romatic interest needs to have a car out if the ordinary. But if that is too weird, because frankly, it was a bit weird, maybe a Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4? Or perhaps a Porsche Carrera GT? (Yeah, I totally had to find that site again for the names.) which he drives superfast to town but Alex isn't afraid coz Damon's a vampire and has superreflexes too. Thing is, darling, that the driver's good reflexes do not affect the gravity pull on the car.In five minutes they're back in Mystique Falls and Damon drops him in front of the real estate shop. I think the word is "agent", not "shop"."Is there anything else I can do (A/N: More like kendo lol)?" Damon asks. Yay for lame references.Alex shrugs. The vampire seems to be trying his best. "Yea, could you get my bike and my stuff? I left them yesterday at the bar." [He foreshadowed that he didn't care about that bike. But OK, it's probably useful.Sure thing. Damon says and he drives off. In the real estate shop Alex met Jenna who is a fat blonde who acts like she's hot shit around here. Nice. "You must be Mr Miles." she says with an obliviously fake smile. She didn't even know that her smile was fake, because she was a Stepford clone."Yeah." "I'm Jenna. I expected someone a little... older considering what a large house you asked over the phone." "Yeah well I have the money to pay for it." "Okay then! Would you like to see it first? It's only a two minutes' walk from here." "Well duh dumb bitch. Of course I want to see it." The best way for a Stu to get people to offer them good service, is apparently the same way their female counterparts do it: By insulting people.Still with her fake smile on her lips she leads him to the town plaza as she calls it. It's a large circular empty with houses all around it and roads leaving it from every direction. On one side of the plaza there's a huge manor but they go for a house to the right. It's much smaller of course but it was still big. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE STU DOESN'T BUY THE BIGGEST HOUSE??? Inside it looks kinda nice although Alex thinks he would probably have to redecorate. "I'll take it." he says. "Okay." Jenny answers. "Here are the keys, you have one week for the payment." He'll just rob a bank.And she left taking her lameness away with her. Alex had followed her to the door because you never know with people, she may have stayed and tried to rob him or something (A/N: You'll know why he thinks that). Enough! When she has left Alex notices Damon's car in front of the house then the vampire arrived with superspeed, carrying his bike like it was nothing. How did he get the bike into the car? The effort was making his muscles even more pronounced under his navy shirt and he was panting slightly which was just erotic. "There it is." Damon said. "Thanks." Alex says, reaching out for his bag in the bike. But Damon moves, keeping it away from Alex. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" Alex gives him a 'dude-you-think-I'm-stupid?" face. Like Volxemort in My Immortal!!! "You're a vampire, why would I invite you in when it's the only thing that keeps you out of my house which is where I would rather be safe?" Please don't go copying Italian Rosie's grammar with all the "which is".Damon pouts, which is sexy as hell." No invitation, no stuff." That's extortion. Which is totally sexy if the person doing it is hot. Kinda like breaking in to watch you sleep.Alex glareds at him in fury, but he sighs and gives in. "Fine, whatever. Come in Damon." Damon smiles which was even sexier. "With pleasure." He drops the bike and grabs Alex's bag then comes in. The two went upstairs to the salon where Damon drops the bag. "So about my second chance?" he asks turning around. Alex shifts uncomfortably. He really wanted to forgive this hot guy for that one mistake even if he knew he shouldn't. "I'll think about it." He was so hot it was impossible to stay mad. Twila reference, isn't it?"That's enough." He says, grabbing Alex by the hips. He looks into Alex's eyes but Alex knows that's how vampire hypnotizes people Yeah, in Sims 2, at least. (I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BASEGAME DISC BROKE!) so he doesn't look back. "Look at me he said, and his tone is just begging and Alex wants to do it more than anything so he does. Damon's blue eyes are beautiful, the color of the ocean, The Red Sea? and for a while they just stand there not saying anything, so Alex knows he wasnt being hypnotized because vampires used their voice for that too. Then suddenly it's unbearable for Alex so he looks away. "Thanks for the ride, and my bag." He breaks free of Damon's grasp, who understands and leaves. Alex reaches for his bag to check and empties it, making sure that everything is still there. There are lances, How do you fot a bloody LANCE into a bag? quarters of staffs, Those too. swords, axes, daggers, bows, crossbows, and the most important, two more armbracers like the one Alex wore. How does a human carry a bag containing that?"What're you doing with all that?" a voice came from behind. Damon had come back into the room! Of course! Vampires make for persistant suitors.A/N: Oh no! How will Damon react to that? Find out next time!He'll probably think it's very sexy. Yeehoo!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 23, 2012 18:50:15 GMT -8
Actually, the vampires from TVD can read minds too, as long as they feed on human blood — which Damon does. Well, at least they can in the books, in the show it was mentioned in passing, then dropped because it's creepy and was too reminiscent of Twilight — or the other way around if you consider that the books predate the Twilight books. At least your snark had me laughing at this. I'd say that's a good thing
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 23, 2012 19:10:57 GMT -8
I aim to amuse.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 28, 2012 1:39:38 GMT -8
A/N: Thanks Derek for being my "beta reader", you're the best! And if you want to be in the story just ask! EXCEPT YOU TEMPLARS AND TEMPLAR PUPPETS. Let's see if Derek did a job worthy of those quotation marks.Chapter 3 of the assassins diray: The truthThe truth is that this is an awful story. So far it hasn't been too bad, but that's about to change now. Enter sexy underage stepfather Derek!Alex turns around with eyes open wide in shock and fear. Damon looks at him more angry by the second and Alex is starting to fear he would attack him again. But this time Alex is ready if that happened. Gonna fight a vampire? With his bare hands?However Damon doesn't attack. "Well?" he says. "I..." Alex enunciated. What to do? Damon is still looking at him and the mess of wepoans behind him and waiting patently and something in Alex wants to trust him so much that he tells the truth. "I'm an Assassin." Damon smiles. "Really? That's nice." See, I told you he was into bad boys!"You're not mad that I hid it from you?" Alex emotes. "No of course I'm not. Besides, I couldn't stay mad at someone as pretty as you for too long," he says as he moves closer to Alex again. Alex' eyes revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness it was impossible to stay mad.Alex feels lost in the vampire's eyes. "What... whats that mean?" "It means I didn't kill you for a reason you idiot," Damon says as he kisses Alex. He needed a vampire servant, and Alex would look hot in a footman outfit like on Downton. It's super hot and pleasurable (A/N: because Damon is a vampire so on top of being an awesome kisser he makes pheromone thingies that make it even hotter ) and they kiss for at least hours but then Damon pulls away "I love you Alex," he admits. "I love you too Damon, Alex ejaculates (A/N thanks Adriana for teaching me the meaning oft hat word!)." So he came in his pants because Damon was just that hot."Come on, let's gp to your bedroom," Damon winks. That suddenly makes Alex very nervous because he's still a virgin. He tells that to Damon. "That makes me nervous because I'm still a virgin," he says. That's an incredible awkward way of saying it.Damon looks surprised. "Someone as pretty as you? Then it means you're not a slut that's a good thing (A/N: See BellaCarino Alex IS NOT A SLUT! Unlike SOME). Oooh, slut-shaming Bella Carino's Sue again, eh? Come on I'll show how it's done." Alex has the Dally type of virginity, he doesn't know about dicks.Alex is almost saying yes but then he remembers something. "It's Monday," he exclamates! "I have to go to school!" He just arrived in town. The school does not expect him to show up. Why does a secret assassin go to high school in the first place? It's weird enough that the place is full of campires."Oh shit OK I'll drive you to school and when you get home we'll discuss about all this OK?" "OK" I say kissing him again before we go to his car. Since Damon is super fast we got to school just in time for first hour of course so Alex sits down for class. I'm not even going to comment on everything wrong with that sentence. He doesn't know anyone at first but a guy sits next to him. He's tall (almost as tall as Damon) and very muscley and has black hair and grey eyes. Even if Alex is more or less in a couple with Damon now he noticed that they guy is super hot too. He doesn't even have to suffer through the Erics and Mikes, he meets the hottie right away."Hi I'm Derek Brutus Remus Pierce, you can call me Derek." No. I'm gonna call you Malcolm. (A/N: Derek this is you!! Thanks again for being my "beta reader"!) "Are you new here?" What? They haven't heard of the new kid? When Bella came to her new school she was already famous."Yeah I'm Alexandre Hawke Jacob Miles but you can call me Alex. I just arrived today in town." "That's great." Derek expresses. "If you want I can tell you about everyone here." "Ok," he shrugs. He points to a girl with brown hair who's pretty but in a fake way like she has wayyyy too much makeup and fake lashes and stuff. "That's Elena Gilbert she's the queen bee around here. She's a bitch but don't piss her off or her boyfriend Stephan Salvatore will kick your ass." We have our necessary bitch of the fic. Who thinks that Elena is going to suffer a hilariously gross Bella-death?"Steaphan's her BF?" alex asks. "Yeah you know him?" "I met the Salvatore when I arrived." Alex eludes with maestria (A/N: Lol like in Golden Sun! That game was great even if it had shitty graphics). "What can you tell me about Damon?" "You like him?" That's jumping to conclutions, no? Derek asks looking disappointed for some reason. "Yeah he's single. I hear he has much ex-girlfriends thought." He thinks a lot about his ex girlfriends."OK." I say. "What about the other students." "That's caroline" Derek points a blond girl who looks really nice but a little stupid. "She's really nice but a little stupid. Her boyfriend is Matt." Hint about being a decent person: If you really think someone is very nice you don't introduce them to new people as "a little stupid".He shows a blond guy who's so ugly Alex wants to puke. I Googled him. Matt's not ugly, he's on the handsome side of ordinary."They're Elena's friends and matt is her ex too. But everyone except me is Elena's ex here she's a total whore except not now because she loves Stephan or at least if she still sleeps around she hides it better." I can see where this is going."And that's Bonnie" he says about a black girl. "She's a witch I think but it's supposed to be a secret so don't say it in front of her because she's a bitch and will kill you." (A/N: Bonnie is such a bitch for trying to kill and hurt Damon all the time ! ) And here is bitch #2. How will he cope with all the hostility?Then the class starts but that's boring so I'll juste skip it. After class Alex leaves with Derek but then a guy with black hair walks in front of them with a few other dudes next to him. He looks hot but Alex sees Elena standing to the side and smirking and he knows that that bitch is responsible for this. I don't really see Elena's motivation for wanting to pick a fight with someone she's never even talked to, but I guess she's just doing her job as the "Bella"."Hey new boy" the guy says. "I see you making friends with the rejects already? Learning your place?" Ha ha, Derek! She made you unpopular! Why would Tyler care if the less popular hang out together?"WTF Tyler" Derek says. "Leave us alone." "Oooh, you scared we'll hurt your boyfriend or something?" How does everyone know they're gay?Alex erupts "Whatever you're just homophobic losers I'm sure you're actually closeted yourself." (A/N: Foreshadowing!) Show, don't tell! And stop it with the foreshadowing. It doesn't create suspense!"Hit him Tyler he disrespects your autoritah!" Elena says. So Tyler is Assef in this story, I suppose. her voice makes Alex's ears bleed so he can't fight back That's pathetic! when Tyler and his gang start hitting on him for an hour. He'd be dead. Unless a teacher had come by in the mean time, and stopped them. Which is not unlikely if they stood there beating him for an hour!At the end he's lying on the ground completely bruised and hurt so Derek has to carry him in his arms to the infirmary. But when he gets there... The bruises are gone! O.o Oh no! Where are they?A/N OMG WHAT4S GONNA HAPPEN NEXT? FIND OUT IN TAD!!!!! If you want to be in my story just ask!
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