Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 30, 2012 2:41:51 GMT -8
A/N: Thanks again Derek for giving me tips about this chapter! You rock man!WARNING: This chapter is gross.Ciattore quatro di giurnalo deli assassini (that's Chapter 4 of the assassins diaries in Italy): FuckThis chapter is exactly what it says on the tin.Alex realizes he has no bruise from when Tyler and his twenty gays beat him up for an hour. Twenty? Wasn't it Tyler and two or three others? And why would his gay gang beat anyone else up for being gay? Methinks there was a typo somewhere. The nurse lets him go since there's no bruise but since he's already missed a lot of his classes anyway he decides to wander around school instead. Why not just go home? I think that would be permitted after being beaten by twenty-one guys.He finds Elena's gang of bitches on the football field, practicing their cheerleading dance stuff which was really unoriginal and slutty like their outfit. Well I don't care about them so I'll just go away he thinks, but then there was a girl on the field and all the cheerleaders gang up on her so Alex decides to go help her. Alex to the rescue. Now he's gonna assassinate them all, like Alice did in Rebecca Swansin!He runs to their gang and screams "Let her go you WHORES!" Most of the bitches go away immediately as if they had been manipulated (A/N Foreshadowing again!) Yeah, yeah. Bonnie is a witch and can manipulate people. We get it. but Elena and Bonnie stay there and look at him like "WTF would we obey to you". Actually, you don't have to. It's not your fault that you're both being character assassinated, no pun intended. I support your right to not obey the Stu.Alex says "Go away or you'll regret it." But Alex, what if she starts talking? Her voice alone was enough to incapacitate you earlier. I'm pretty sure it hasn't changed over the span of two classes.But then he notices that Bonnie is looking at him weirdly like she's about to use her DEMON WITCH POWERS on him. Then she looks shocked and Alex understands that it didn't work. Because assassins are apparently some sort of species that is immune to both magic and the forces of nature.His Assassin training kicks in and he leaps at her, using the hidden blade in his armbracer to STAB her! But he only stabbed her in the ovaries so she could maybe survive but never have kids anymore because she hadn't committed a crime too serious. OK, this is Dally morality. Stabbing someone for looking at you is not that far from killing someone for accidentally cheating on your friend.Elena screams and he tells her that if she drives Bonnie to a hospital right now she may survive, But she also may not. And you've willfully bereft her of the chance to be a mother because she gave you a funny glance. so she goes away with Bonnie in her arms. I like Elena.There's only Alex and the girl in the field now and Alex helps her get up. Why was she lying down? Weren't they practicing cheer leading?"Thanks she said. My name is Rachel Rebecca Leah Amelia Johnson but you can call me Amelia." Hi there, Amelia! I kind of feel sorry for you ending up in this mess. You haven't been enough of a monster in your own story to deserve this."OK I'm Alexandre Hawke Jacob Miles but call me Alex." he answers." Why did they do that to you?" Did they do anything? Give her a shove so she fell? Nothing too serious, it seems. But you can't pick on a Sue and get away with it!"Because I'm an atheist even if my stepmother Julie tried to convert me and Elena and her gang are all christians so they hate me." Maybe they go to Joan's church. Or maybe you're a very preachy atheist missionary. Those can be just as pushy as any other type. Or maybe they just don't like you because you're a SUE?"That's cool I'm an atheist too." Alex says. He knows that Christianity is only a tool for the templar to control the masses and is starting to think that maybe Elena, Bonnie and Julie are all Templars (A/N: Like my mom!). OK, so I don't know too much about Assassin's Creed other than it being a game. But "Templar" reminds me of Anders Breivik, who claims he is one. He decides to investigate and assassinate them later if they are (A/N: I would do that to my mom but I'm not as Assassin ). Alexandra, sweetie... please go and take your pills and call your therapist. Sandra, wasn't it?"Wanna hang out?" "K," she says. They find Derek who had gone to class but it was over now and they hang out for the rest of school day, skipping classes because Alex was homeschooled so he already knows everything, So explain to me again why he's enrolled himself in a public high school, in the town where he's come to lie low.Amelia knows everything because she has been forbidden from having friends so she could only read to pass the time, Yeah, her step-grandmother made it illegal to be friends with her. Because you know, you can't grow up to be a proper special snowflake unless everyone is mean to you just because because. and Derek because he's super smart and classes suck anyway (A/N: Luv you guys you rock!). Who thinks Derek thinks school sucks because the teachers refused to give him better grades than he deserved?THEN SCHOOL WAS OVER! THAT'S SOMETHING SO OUT OF THE ORDINARY IT DESERVES ALL CAPS!Alex leaves the school se see that Damon is there. "Heyyy !" he exclamates. "Hi baby." Damon purrs and kisses Alex. Their kiss is even hotter than the first one even thought it doesn't last as long because there are people watching and they're all being judmental about it. Well, it is the new boy making out passionately with a guy who's dated almost all the girls in town, and would formerly be believed to be very straight. I can understand if they are a little surprised.They go in Damon's car who drives them to Alex's house His house is called Jenna. When he's given it a name to make it special, you could at least use it instead of just referring to it as "his house". That's cold. and they go inside kissing some more. Damon's hands slid to grab Alex's ass and it feels great so Alex lets him do it. He's already hard just from the kissing so when Damon says "Let's do it" he can only whimper back "Okay" as Damon lifts him up and takes him to the bedroom. He turned him into a broom so he'd be easier to carry.Damon lays him down on the bed and takes off his clothes, letting Alex see his huge hidden blade (A/N If you know what I mean ) it's like at least 30 inches long. Maths lesson: 1 inch is 2.54 centimeters. So Damon's penis is 76.2 centimeters long. That's the shoulder height of an Irish Wolfhound! It probably hangs to half way between his knees and ankles when it's not standing to attention. I'm, guessing Damon has to wear really baggy pants to fit that pants python inside. Then Damon comes to lie above Alex and starts tearing his clothes off with his fang which is like super erotic because his fangs touch Alex's skin a little bit but without hurting him. Let's hope he's not going to miss the head board and bite a chunk out of Alex. Actually... that would be funny. When they're both naked, Damon kisses Alex's spear a few times but then he says "suck me" and Alex does and it tastes awesome. He's even more romantic than Hiei. This almost resembles Uncle Larry.He hears Damon scream in pleasure and that sound makes him orgasm immediately. A few seconds later Damon howls in pleasure as he sprays his holy water (A/N geddit ? cause he's a vampire so normally holy water would hurt him it's a pun ) That was a very bad pun. Because it wasn't one. in Alex's mouth and it tastes divine (A/N: Haha more puns ) And it was just as bad. so Alex swallows it all. I'm suspecting Alexandra has read that Human Centipede fanfic where the scientist has genetically engineered himself to have multi-flavoured sperm. Which he splurts onto his hostage's breakfast to make it more tasty. OK, you all hate me now.Then Damon grabs his hair and pulls him up to kiss him. They kiss and make out for a long time until they're both hard again, then Damon says "I'll fuck you now." Hiei: No, it's my penis. Let's go to your room, I want to have sex with you."OK I'll trust you" "Good" and he stabs Alex with his hidden blade (A/N: Not literally of course ) but it doesn't hurt like Alex expected Because Damon was just that sexy? Seriously. The "blade" is probably hiding between his lungs! Unless Damon has an actual elephant penis, and it is prehensile so it can snake its way around his intestines.it's just weird for a few seconds Alex: I've got something in my throat. and then Damon hits his prostate and that feels magical. Damon starts doing back and forth movements and he's so long that he hits Alex in all the right places everytime Liver, heart, spleen, diaphragm... and it's the best feeling ever. Stupid masochistic Alex! After fifteen minutes of it, Damon's bloodlust comes back but Alex remembers that he hadn't been wounded at all this morning so he says "Do it." "Huh ?" "Bite me." Oh man... he's actually gonna munch on him!"Okay." And he does and when his blood enters his mouth he suddenly feels like he could feel all of Damon's feelings (A/N: That's from the books!). That was too much for Alex who orgasms again He must have the shortest refraction times since Hiei and Dally's escapades. but Damon doesn't and the connection is so intense that Alex is hard again seconds later and orgasms again and again and again. I rest my case.They do it for an hour Seriously? Is there anything inside Alex that isn't punctured? before Damon collapses on top of Alex, exhausted. Alex notices that his bite wounds have healed already and he decides to study that later. Maybe he's already a vampire and doesn't know. Like Dally. And then he finds out he's also a wizard, and they go to Hogwarts! Or not, hopefully. Right now the weight of Damon on top of him is all that matters and he feels happy. "Alex." Damon murmurs half aslept. "Yeah?" "Would you go with me to the dance?" "The dance?" "Yeah there's a dance tomorrow for the election of Miss Mystique Falls and I want you to be my date." How does Damon know that? He's not the one who goes to the school."Okay." Alex said. Then he fell asleep. A/N: So that was chapter 4 I'm sorry for the lame non-cliffhanger ending but you can't always do that. Thanks again to Derek who really helped me with that last scene!And you managed to not imagine him and your dad while he was dictating to you? Good for you!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Aug 31, 2012 2:02:12 GMT -8
Ah, yes, that chapter. I was really looking forward to you snarking that.
Also, because I feel I should make some clarifications as the resident fanboy : *I'm betting (well, I was betting, it was confirmed later on) that Alex is in fact not human. Desmond Miles (who's his brother in this fic and the protagonist from the AC series) has a high percentage of genes from "those who were there before" (your archetypal Precursors), so Alex should as well. *The Miss Mystique Falls contest is in fact an event that involves the whole town, even though high schoolers are the ones who organize most of it (in the TVD show, high schoolers are the ones who organize practically everything, it's a little hilarious if you stop and think about it), so Damon could know about it.
But yeah, I'm nitpicking on details here. Now, if Alex goes to Hogwarts and meets dally there, you'll know it's your fault.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Aug 31, 2012 6:36:39 GMT -8
Now, if Alex goes to Hogwarts and meets dally there, you'll know it's your fault. Wouldn't it mostly be Alexandra's fault still? But come to think about it, that could get hilarious. Alex would probably end up in a threesome with Hiei and Sasuke. Then Dally would plot to kill him for being a f***** and stealing her BF. And KTFA would ensue... ;D
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Post by WolfBloodRei on Aug 31, 2012 11:15:34 GMT -8
^ If only.
That would be entertainment.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 2, 2012 3:34:54 GMT -8
It would.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 6, 2012 10:45:59 GMT -8
Someone should write that. I mean it!
And as it seems Alex has discovered she's in the process of having another rectum installed (or at least that her story is) and has updated with a glorious revenge chapter, I should really get cracking on the snark!A/N: Thanks to Amelia for the nice things she said about the story. GO AWAY YOUR TEMPLARS! Derek told me that my scene was well written and he's my dad's BF so I know he has more experience than you and he said you're just jealous that at 17 his sex life is better than yours lol.I know this may come as a shock to you, Alex... but none of us actually envy him sleeping with your Dad.Ch5 of TAD : Miss Mystique FallsI wake up in bed with Damon still sleeping. He knows he should get up and go to school but fuck school it's useless anyway so he decides to snuggle with Damon instead. Wait a sec... Which Alex is this? Is the narrator also in a love triangle with them? I could totally see her writing herself into it. That wakes him up. "Hey" he says. "Hi" "Wanna do it again?" "Yeah!" Limited interests here. Kind of like Bedward in BD.They did it for most of the morning, but then Alex starts to get morning sickness all over the floor hungry because he doesn't have eated last night or this morning so they have to leave bed. Damon uses his vampirespeed to fo buy stuff because there is nothing in the house and then Alex makes lost bread (A/N: it's French bread but in France we call it lost bread and since it's French that's the correct name!) for both of them? Lost bread sounds really filling...When they eat Damon asks "How did you heal so fast?" Alex: I have got Ninjask powers. And a wizard.Alex looks at his shoulder where Damon had bitten the most and its perfectly healed. "I dunno." he says "I wanted to research it later." Alex: *posts on Yahoo Answers* Why do my wounds heal so fast?EdwardGurrrl<3<3<3: (Best Answer) Itz becus your a VAMPRIRE!!! Like In Twilight!!!Alex: A sparklepire? That's GAY! But I'm so not homophobe!He guesses that school would be a good place to do that so he takes his bike to go there while Damon goes to hunt or some shit like that. Um, okay? So Damon is supposed to function all morning on that loaf of bread he couldn't even find?At school Alex spends time in the library where he meets a tall guy with brown hair and eyes who's really hot (about as much as Alex but not the same way, this is Jeremy from Season 2 where he's super hot!). Okay... He says "Hey you're the new guy right?" "Yeah." Alex says. "I'm Jeremy Gilbert." Family Alert! Family Alert!"OMG you're related to Elena?" Alex says ready to fight him. "Yeah but I hate her because she's a Christian bitch and I just turned gay." He says. "You're really beautiful by the way." For someone who likes gay guys as much as Alexandra, she sure presents them very unsympathetically. Not only are they full of prejudice themselves, they're also guilty of making others' prejudices against them true."You're just saying that." "No it's true!" Jerema says and tries to kiss him but Alex pulls back. All Gays Are Promiscuous. But that's OK, because in The World According to Alex, a guy can only be a stud."Well I already have a boyfriend so back off." Seriously? What happened to "the more people a guy sleeps with, the bigger stud he is"? Based on what we know about Alex so far, he wouldn't normally say no to enlarging his social circle a little."OK " he sadfaced. "You looking for something?" "Yeah but it's private." "Ok. Call me if you need help." "Private" means GTFA in most circumstances. But this is Alex, and Jeremy is hot...Alex looked around but he didn't find anything because it was just a school library lol wtf was he thinking. Helloooo FTS reference! But as he left he saw Jeremy playing on a PSVita in a corner and since he had time to kill he walked to him. The hotness had a magnetic effect on him, it seems."What're you playing?" "It's assassins creed 3 liberation." (AN the games exist even in the universe because ubisoft are controlled by the Assassin and they want to spread the truth!). Yeah, but... isn't it a bit weird to play a game based on yourself? Or your brother, but anywayz. Jeremy says. "I know I'm gay now but Aveline is SOO HOT." Has it occured to you that you may be bi? (A/N she is but she looks kinda slutty I hope she isn't in the game! ) Um, is Aveline in the game or not? Or perhaps she meant that she hopes Aveline isn't as slutty in the game as she looks. That would make sense, but that's not what I've come to expect from Alexandra."OK" he says and then he's lost in his memories... ****FLASHBAKC**** "The fragments of Eden are tools of the First Civilization" Alex's dad William Miles said. The evil dad, who tried to kill him? "They can do wonders like heal people on control the mind but the Templars want to use them to control the people." "OK" Alex said. Oh, so he believes Templars are evil because his abusive father said so? The same father he's on the run from? Why would he believe anything that guy has told him?"Right now the Assassins and the Templars have no fragment. But it might change because we're always looking for them. Us to place them in safety and them to use them in their evil schemes. But ther's more." "What?" "The oldest families of Assassins are part FC" (AN that's shorter for First Civilization or those who were there before because that's too long to write all the time) "like us. You and your brother in particular have a high amount of FC genetics." Oh, so that's why he heals. Turns out he knew all the time! He only needed to play himself in a computer game to remember. So much smarter than going to a stupid library to do research. I mean... Bella could just have watched the movies, and she'd known Edward was a vampire. Duuuh!"K" Alex said. He was too little to understand. "That means you can do great things." "Cool!" Is it just me, or didn't the dad seem all that mean? We didn't even hear about any drunken beatings or how he had to live in a crawlspace underneath the floor and eat spiders to survive while his dad was out in his binges.***END FLASH***** "I have the powers of the fragments of eden in me!" Alex shouts making the logical connection. Fairy Queen: You got the powers!!!!"Wut?" Jeremy says. Alex hadn't intended to say it out loud! "Nothing! Forget about it!" "OK." Jaramy says then keeps playing. Jeremy isn't the sharpest knife in the kitchen, then?After school Alex goes home to get ready for the dance but then... Damon DOESN'T SHOW UP! So Alex is forced to go there himself. That's so saaaaaad! When he arrives he sees a lot of people gathered in the garden of the big house where the dance is going on and hears "And now the candedate for Miss Mystique Falls will dance with their partners for you!" Alex looks in the crowd and then his eyes lie on the dance floor and DAMON IS DANCING WITH ELENA! Alex: NOOOOooo000oOOO000OOOoo00oooOoooooOOoooOOO00000ooooo00000oooOOooo!!!!!!!??!?!!!!?And that fucken old lady from Within Temptation is singing the song! (A/N I know in the show she's not there but I thought it would be more epic even though she's old and uglah) Question: Why didn't you choose a singer you actually like?"WTF" Alex shouts and tries to go through the crows Is it a goffick party? but the Bonnie Bonnies are a species in this story. That's why there can be one here now, the day after he stabbed the other one. comes out of nowhere and stops him. "Stop" she says. "Stephan couldn't show up so Damon's just dancing with her for the contest!" Well, I believe her."I don't care!" Alex says. "Let me GOOOO!" Alex: My doorest Damon is in danger! Something horny has happened to him! I won't stay and see treason!Bonnie flinches (A/N because of Alex's powers) but she holds on, so Alex threatens her with his hidden blade. Alex: My penis is 30 inches! Fear my penis!Yeah, that was Damon's. But the Stu can't have a shorter one now, can he?"Bitch if you don't let me go I'll kill you this time." Bonie lets go but Alex realizes he can't just go there and stop Damon from dancing. He as to be CLEVER (A/N as an Assassin it was thaught to him to think like that). In the crows Yeah, it is a gothic party, with crows and ravens and other black things. he sees Jeremy from earlier so he asks him to dance and of course Jeremy says yes (AN because he finds him hot). We already know they both think the other one s hot. Stop it with the dumb notes already! I actually prefer Dally's narrative style where she just states outright why the characters act as they do. Although it would be preferable if you could show instead of telling.They start dancing even though only the contestants are supposed to dance But Alex is special and awesome, so the rules don't really apply to him. and when the song ends Alex makes sure he catches Damon's eyes before making out with Jeremy to make him jealous and also enrage Elena. Why would Elena care who a brother who hates her dances with? Especially if she already dislikes the guy. Maybe the Stu-limit in the room was exceeded?That bitch comes like "WTF ARE YOU DOING WITH MAH BB BROTHER?" Her "BB" brother? Does that stand for "Brutish Buffoon"? so Alex answers "Well he wanted it too bitch." Sounds like more than just dancing happened.Then Damon looks at him and falls to his knees screaming "I'M SORRY ALEX PLEASE TAKE ME BACK I LOVE YOU!" Did they even break up? I mean, it's already explained that he was just dancing with her because her date couldn't go. He wasn't cheating on Alex by any means. and Alex still loves him so he said yes. Then it was time to announce the winner! It sure won't be Elena.A/N: HAHAHA CLIFFHANGER AGAIN! Isn't that exciting? I think Jeremy's super hot too too bad Alex can't date two guys at the same time but I have great plans anyway so you'll see.The winner is Atlantiana Rebeka Loren.
OK, I think this is the point at which the story dives into the bog. We can "thank" Savanna and her great idea for what happens next.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 7, 2012 0:08:36 GMT -8
By the powers of useless knowledge, I shall clarify !
So... "Pain perdu", literally meaning "lost bread", is in fact the name for French bread in French. It's called that way because traditionally, stale bread (i.e. "lost" for any other use) was used for it. Not anymore, obviously.
Aveline is the protagonist of AC3 Liberation, a game that will release by next October. Which is why Alex doesn't know if she's a "slut" yet, and can't judge her for that. We know very little about her, really.
As for Sharon den Adel (the singer from Within Temptation) making an appearance, I assume it's because the scene in the original show used their song "All I Need" as background.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 7, 2012 12:14:07 GMT -8
A/N: We finally get some Twilight crossover, I'm SORRY it took so long! (Like Damon's hidden blade lol ) Thanks EdwardzLovar for her great idea for this chapter.Chapitre 6 du journal d'un assassin (A/N that's french for CH6 of TAD): The title of the chapter is "LOLOLOLOLOL". Very promising."And the winner of Miss Mystique Falls is..." The announcer says... "ALEXANDRE HAWKE JACOB MILES!" Um, what a surprise? I bet no one saw this coming.Alex is stunned because he's not a contestant Never mind being a contestant. Wasn't being a girl also a requirement? but goes to the stage like "watever I guess I was the only likable dancer there." No, the judges were brainwashed by his assassin shards to think he was best. Or by the powers invested in him by the Court of Stuart. Some poor girl got robbed.The others are Elena and all her bitches so it makes sense to him. Just because he doesn't like their attitude doesn't mean they can't dance.Damon follows him but the announcer says that Alex's partner was Jeremy for the dance so he has to be his partner for this too. What is this? A small drop of reasonable behaviour? Oh humanity! Jeremy came onstage to be crowned with Alex. Then they have to make a speech! Where is Kanye West when you need him?Alex grabs the mic. "HA SUCK IT ELENA YOU BITCH I WON AND DIDN'T EVEN PARTICIPATE!" Then he laughs for a quarter of an hour and the crowd laughs with him at Elena, who's starting to look suicidal (A/N: serves her right) that bitch. Yeah, but not because she lost. She's unaffected by Alex's power, so she realizes that the town has gone to the dogs with bells and whistles.After that the party's over and everyone leaves, So it's official: Alex is a party killer. but Jeremy and Alex are still on the stage and Damon stays behind. "Alex..." he says. "I love you... Please don't dump me just for this she's juste a friend I wanted to help her..." Didn't they already kiss and make up in the last chapter?Alex looks at Damon and then at Jeremy. Sure he's with Damon and doesn't want to dump him but then Jeremy's pretty hot and their makeout was awesome... "I CAN'T CHOOSE!" he says. Well, looks like he has a problem. Or....? Oh no. Oh nononno!Then Jeremy says "You don't have to." he says with a smile. No! Noooo! No no no...!He looks at Damon who understands to and nods, and so they all go back to Alex's house. Jeremy's even hotter naked though not as hot as Damon or as long (he's only like 20 inches long). That's in the real of possibility at least. If he's a horse. They make out for a while and suck each other This is about as erotic as when Draco put his thingy in Ebony's you-know-what. then both Jaramy and Damon fuck Alex at the same time, We're interrupting the porn show for a moment to have a little anatomy lesson. This. Is. Not. Possible! which feels like, even better than with just Damon, ORLY? You'd think it would have felt kinda like when the Rhino sodomized Edward in FTS. and Alex wishes it never ends. But then it does and Alex tries topping (A/N if you don't know what that means fuck you dirty homophobe) Uhhhh, I think it means that he spray-painted Damon in whipped cream (cake topping) and decorated him with sprinkles and a cherry on top. Kinky! but he doesn't like it Because he wanted strawberry sprinkles and these were apple. so he goes back to bottoming pretty quickly. After hours and hours of sex, they are tired on the bed but Alex is still pretty hard Because he's bought some shady pills on the net, and had gotten one of those erections that never ends. People have actually had their penises amputated as a result. so he asks Damon and Jeremy to make out while he masticates to it (A/N Thank you Tara Gisbelle I didn't know how to write that in English!). TROLOLOLOLOLOL!After that they all fall asleep. The next day at school Alex finds Derek and Amelia. "I had a threesome last night with Damon and Jeremy!" TMI!"EWW man I don't wanna know" Amelia says. Yeah, I think you speak for all of us there."Sorry girl I didn't meen to upset you, I'll talk to it with Derek alone if you want?" Talk to WHAT with Derek? Then he grabs Derek to the boys' room so they can talk in private (A/N because everyone's in class right now). "So I was saying, I had a threesome with Damon and Jeremy last night, and it was AWESOME!" "Oh great" Derek says but he looks sad No points for guessing what comes next."What's wrong?" Alex asks. "There are all these people who love you and you love them back and it makes me sad that you don't love me!!!" Derek sobs and whines. Oh, but Derek... You've got Alexandra's dad!Alex gasps he didn't know Derek feels that way! "But I do love you." Hello? Even Dally only had one at the time! Alex says. "I have since I first met you but I didn't dare tell you plus I was with Damon." Aaand Jeremy."Relay?" Derek asks with tears flowing down his face and making his white tshirt look transparent and stick to his skin (AN which is super hot because Derek has lots of muscles ) You and your dad can fight over him."Yea" Alex says and then he kisses Derek. At first it's a little weird and wet because of the tears (A/N Harry Potter reference again YAY !) NO YAY! but then it becomes hotter and hotter until they get undressed and start having sex in the bathroom (A/N but they locked the door first to make sure no one would come in). OK, at least it's not in class, in front of the teacher..."I love you Derek Brutus remus Pierce." BTW: Brutus is not a sexy name."I love you too Alexandre Hawke Jacob Miles." he whispers. "But I have a confession to make." "OMG What ?" "I'm a werewolf Assassin sent by your father to find you! But now that I met you I don't want to work for him anymore!" Shouldn't he feel just a little betrayed? And WEREWOLF assassin?"Oh that's cool." Alex says. "I like Assassins, just not my father, so if you changed your mind it's OK." Um, he IS an assassin!"Cool "derek says smiling. "But that's not all. The templars know you ran away and they sent their own pack of werewolves to stop you." "Really?" Alex worries. Oh yeah! Here come the Jacob-wolves!THEN JACOB BLACK, LEAH CLEARWATER AND QUIL AND EMBRY AND SETH BURST THROUGH THE DOOR!!!!!88!! Hi there, Leah! Get them!!!A/N: Oh no! What will Alex do? Find out next time!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 7, 2012 16:13:47 GMT -8
Your snark makes the story much more palatable, I have to say. Good job.
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Post by Anya the Purple on Sept 8, 2012 5:14:47 GMT -8
The revenge chapters approach!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 8, 2012 11:26:22 GMT -8
Yep! The revenge chapters are number 9 and 10. This is number 7.A/N: This is da nexus chapter. What will Alex do against Jacob's pack? Find out now!アサシンのだやりの7のチャプトル:ウェレウルフ (That means TAD7 : Werewolf) Just one gratuitous foreign language doesn't cut it.JACOB AND LEAH AND SETH AND EMBRY AND QUIL BURST THROUGH THE DOOR8888 Are the "888888" supposed to be punctuation?Quil the fugly dog leaps at Alex and ends up on top of him. Foe yay? Alex tries to push him away then uses his hidden blade to stab him (A/N: Like Connor in the Frontiere trailer! That was awesome!). FOE YAY! In a minute he's dead and he pushes him away. Next to him Derek has already killed Embry (he's an Assassin too so he had his own hidden blade) How long is his? 40 inches? but then the other three wolves understood so they stayed away and they couldn't stab them. Werewolves aren't stupid, you know.Then Alex says "You have to trensform Derek!" Derek couldn't work that out for himself? OK then, at least one of them is stupid."OK" he says. And he turns into an awesome black werewolf and starts fighting off the evil templar wolves! Templar wolves... But Jacob attacks Alex and bites his armbracer off so Alex can't fight anymore! Goooo Jacob!Alex runs away into the hallway chassed by Jacob and into the football field. He must be fast if he could outrun a giant wolf. There's no one around except for one shadowy figure that Alex can't quiet make out with. Alex: It wasn't because I was scared of Jacob or anything. He just wasn't hot.Then Jacob arrives in the field and the shadow screams and Alex realizes it's Tyler! Looks like the Stu is in a spot of trouble."GO AWAY TYLER YOU FUCKER." He screams. But Tyler runs at Jacob instead and..... ..... ........... HE TURNS INTO A WEREWOLF TOO! Now, this sucks!They start fighting and fighting and Alex tries to find something to use as a weapon when.... HIS CROSSBOW APPEARS IN HIS HANDS! Why didn't he just do that when his armbracer broke, instead of running like a wimp? But he didn't pass out from bleeding ears this time. Gotta give him that.He shoots Jacob three times (A/N: Alex is an expert Mark-Man Marksman, you mean? so he's not afraid of accidentelly shooting Tyler) and Jacob runs away. You need silver arrows to kill a werewolf. An assassin ought to know that.Then he says "We have to go help Derek!" and runs back in the school with Tyler following. In the bathroom they find Derek still fighting Seth and Leah in wolf form but he's undernumbered so he's hurt all over and bleeding. Awwww, poor Derek. Alex has to kiss it better.Alex shoots them but they evade because their speed is higher than Jacob's but then Tyle jumps at them and starts fighting them too. SUDDENLY... ANOTHER WEREWOLF APPEARED! She was Leslie and she was Leah's girlfriends because they're fuckin dykes (A/N: Which is so GROSS!) And who is homophobic now? and she has cast Invisible Stalker on herself which is why they hadn't seen her before (A/N: Thanks Adriana for getting me into Guild Wars I haven't played the game yet but I read a lot of the wiki!). Leslie must have realized that Lola was a lost cause, and hooked up with Leah instead.She pushes Tyler away and they start fighting some more but then Damon comes out of nowhere and fights too! In the end Seth dies but leah and leslie are cowards so they run away. In the end they were smarter than the testosterone soaked boys."Damn it." Damon says. Then Alex looks at Derek and Tyler and they're both wounded so he says "Come on let's go home I can heal you." because he has assassin's remedies which heal all wounds (A/N like Ezio's). So not only has he got super healing himself, he can heal others as well? How many Stu-points are that?Jeremy caught up with them because school's over and they all went home. When Derek and Tyler unturned And now we know she goes to Dally's school when she's staying with her dad. they were naked (AN ) and Tyler was as hot as Derek so Alex got hard but he ignored it long (A/N hehe) enough to heal them. Is there anyone he doesn't have the hots for? And both his current BFs are right there!"Thanks" Tyler said. "No problem." Alex said. "You can borrow some of my clothes if you want." "I don't think I'll need them." Tyler said and then he kissed Alex !! (A/N See Alex was right ?) Why is this happening?"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" Jeremy says as he enters the room shirtless (because he was getting changed). Mighty good question."OMG Jeremy I'm sorry!" Alex says. Tyler was starting to get hard too and a blushed because he was embarrassed that people found out he was gay. Um, the least of his problems, maybe?But then Jeremy says "It's okay I've always had a crush on you Tyler anyway." Then he started to make out with Tyler (A/N They're like my OTP for this show *-*) and to have sex in front of Alex but he didn't mind coz it was super hot. CONGRATULATIONS, ALEXANDRA! YOU HAVE DONE IT! THIS IS WORSE THAN FACE THE STRANGE!!!!!Then Damon and Derek joined them and they has a threesome with Alex while the other two were still busy. This is the point where The Fanfic Critic would start fiddling with the razor.**** However as they were doing this evil evil people were gathered in a huge house in Mystique Falls and plotting the demise of the Assassins and ALL GOOD PEOPLE ON EARTH... Look how much I care... A/N : =O Who could that be? Find out next time!
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Post by serkadios on Sept 8, 2012 13:16:21 GMT -8
Great job! Speaking of Fanfic critic, I requested Kawaii Desu Vampire Sexy from her, we will see how much will it make her rage
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 8, 2012 13:20:32 GMT -8
I've requested Lady of Sorrow....
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Post by serkadios on Sept 8, 2012 14:12:59 GMT -8
Well, I have requested that one too
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 8, 2012 16:52:20 GMT -8
I requested Brewdening Love to her a long time ago and she never did it (or did she and I missed it ?)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 10, 2012 14:12:40 GMT -8
This chapter is for charity! Any snark-power produced during the riffing will be donated to the rescue mission of the hostages taken by Milena.A/N: So I'm sorry it took so long Adriana but I found a way to get you in the story! Please tell me what you think of it!Wheehoo! This is where Adriana shows up! I kind of miss the kid. Mostly I miss Teressa, but Adriana too, a little.Chahptarh acht fon dehr Assassssin Dhyaryss (A/N that's German for TAD8) : A NEW FRIENDElena Gilbert is in her huge huge huge castle outside of Mystique Falls (A/N she could afford it with all the money she got from sleeping around that WHORE) Are we supposed to believe that Elena is an actual prostitute? Slander, I say! Elena is cool! with six people with them. There is her BF Stephan because he does whatever she tells him to and her best friend the witch Bonnie who wants all vampires dead except Stephan because he's Elena's BF (and she has killed all of them in Mystique Falls except for Stephan and Damon because Damon is too strong for that BITCH) Wow, she's like the Rain Bennett of Mystique Falls! and Julie who is Amelia's stepmom and their master from the Templar Order and Jacob and Leslie and Leah who have juste arrived from Washington state. "We need to kill these Assassins." Elena rages. "They're too smart and hot and strong and they will stop our plan of world domination if we don't." "But how can we?" Julie lamentates. "They're too smart and hot and strong for us to kill them!" Julie: We can handle smart and strong, but being hot makes them invincible."Yeah they KILLED MY BROTHER." Leah howls. "It's OK Leah." Leslie growls trying to hug her but Jacob pushed her because not even the Templars are evil enough to like dykes. Maybe Alexandra's closeted? According to her own theory that's definitely possible. "Yeah..." A voice says. "It's OK... As long as you follow my plans..." It was a blonde slut and she was Lucy from the Assassin's Creed games! "I'm Lucy and from now on I am in charge." I hereby decree that Lucy is awesome."OK" Julie says because she knows Lucy's rep and doesn't want to get in her way. "WTF No I'm in charge!" Elena sluts Um, wut? but Lucy threatens her with a hidden blade she stole from when she was an Assassin. "You will do as I tell you." She stole a penis? Maybe it's the one Edward lost in NPFLH. I'm sure he wants it back so he can stop being an emo eunuch."Yes... YES....." Elena exclamates a little too loudly which makes Leah and Leslie very horny (because they're lesbos). "YESSS!!!!" I don't think anyone can possibly be hornier than your little Stu Alex. That boy should be in therapy for penis-brain."Good girl." Lucy smirks. "I will need you in my plan... Or rather I will need... KATHERINE PIERCE!!!!" Any relation to Derek Brutus Nero Agony Despair Mark Anthony Pierce?"NOOO!" Elena says. Katherine is Elena's vampire alter ego but she's not evil and she's in love with Damon so Elena fought to be in control of her to be an evil Templar 24/7. She's a rival to Alex? That's terrible!"Yes. I will need her. And you will obey!!" But what Lucy doesn't know is that someone from another world follows her through magical portals because she's known she was a Templar all along (A/N:LIKE ME I KNEW THAT SLUT WAS A TEMPLAR!). You should know that. You wrote this story!That person hears all of their conversation and opens a portal to Alex's house. "Hi I'm Adriana!" she says to the super-hot guy she meets there Hiiiii, Adriana! Our favourite evil mesmer! (It's Alex but she doesn't know it yet). "I heard that bitch Lucy gathering Templars and they're going to try to KILL YOU." Stop! Logic time. How could she know where Alex lived if she didn't know who he was?"What?" Alex asks? It is very shocking and worrying! Really? They tried to kill you in the last chapter. Is it a surprise if they make another attempt?"Yea and there's Elena and Bonnie and Jacob and Leslie and Leah and Julie with her." "Holy shit guys! We need to kill these bitches NOW!" he says running through the house. But... ......DAMON WAS ALREADY GONE!!!8!!8 Yeah, he broke through the Stu spell and ran for it.A/N: Sorry for the short chapter but it will be longer soon.I'm perfectly fine with the short ones.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 11, 2012 4:57:36 GMT -8
I think at some point I should point out that hidden blades are, in fact, actual weapons for the AC series, so you can stop seeing penises everywhere. But at the same time, it's hilarious ^_^
Anyway, Lucy was a main character from the AC series (and hinted-at love interest) until the very whammy ending of ACBrotherhood, where Desmond was mind-controlled into killing her. In the next game, ACRevelations, we hear that Lucy's dead indeed and her funeral has happened (we don't see it all happen, but it makes sense in context). A later DLC for that same game showed the story of a Posthumous Character, named "Subject 16", which reveals — or rather, strongly implies — that Lucy was a Reverse Mole, being originally an Assassin infiltrating the Templars, but later turned by the Templars. Or something. It's not entirely clear and I'm convinced they kind of made it up because people liked Lucy, so they retconned her into a bad guy. But it's just my opinion, of course.
And now you know, and knowing is half the battle ^-^
As for Katherine, she and Elena are doppelgangers, not alter egos. Because it wouldn't really make sense for one alter ego to be a vampire and the other to be human. But don't tell that to Alexandra.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 11, 2012 5:02:52 GMT -8
Well, yeah... I realized the hidden blades were weapons. But I was making myself stupid on purpose, because as you say, it makes for a few disturbingly funny misunderstandings.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 11, 2012 11:22:52 GMT -8
You guys knows what's coming next, right? RIIIIGHT? Yes! It is revenge chapter time!!!Chapter 9 of the Assassin's diarrhea : THREATPlease don't let the diarrhea get life of its own. It's really all that's lacking from this masterpiece.lololololololololololololololololololololololololol (A/N these are lolz but also a crowd of people cheering!)Are they conjoined? Because if they have two arms each, they should look more like this: lollollollollollol
That could also be us laughing at your story. Take your pick.****FLASHBACK*** Damon is sleeping in the bed alone (A/N because the others went to school) when suddenly someone came in through the window. Was it Jomz?IT WAS................... KATHERINE! She's the vampire who turned Damon and had been his first GF (A/N Damon likes both guys and girls but he's not bisexual because Derek told me bi people need to have both a GF and a BF and have threesomes all the time to be happy and he's not like that). Derek reminds me a bit of Dan Savage. He also thinks it's OK to bash bisexual people despite being gay himself.She jumps on him and sits over his midsection. She wears really skimpy clothes and some of it was a little transparent so it's really hot (A/N No homo though) It's not "homo". You're using Katherine as your self insert, aren't you? So of course she's going to be hot. and he's starting to get hard. She smiles and says "Do you love me Damon?" and since he is so horny he can only say "Yes." He lies to get her into bed? What a gentleman. Him and Alexandra would be a rather good couple, I think."OK follow me." She says. And Damon does and they reach... THE CRYPT WHERE KATHERINE WAS LOCKED INTO!!! Elena's castle'ss builded on top of it now so at first Damon doesn't realize where he is until he sees the door. And that's what he gets for thinking with his 30-incher."OMG how did you escape Katherine you were locked by Bonnie's ancestor there!" (Bonnie has bitch genes!) I guess it was kind of bitchy to lock Katherine up, but then again she's evil so they can't really let her run loose either."AHAHHAHAADIHADIPHAHOOA." She laughs evilly. Would you really have been intimidated by someone making those noises?And then she throws Damon in the crypt where he's locked by Bonnie's spells! (A/N If you haven't seen the show Bonnie had to open it and then that dumb bitch closed it again with new spells! And tried to lock Damon in!) *****END FLASHBACK* And now Damon is ebil.Alex is in terrorized panicking! "Where's Damon?" He asks. But nobody knows because they were all at school. But I thought you said they didn't need school because they already knew everything.Then Amelia (she has come too because they invited her over) says "well it's okay I'm sure we'll find him!" "Yeah" Adriana says. "We just need to find a way to know where he is." "I know!" Alex says and then he reads the flashback above so now he knows what happened to him. "That's so cool" You say. No, I say it's a very obvious reference to FTS. Not that I never referense it... (A/N lololol breaking the front wall) Please don't break any more. *builds barricades*So they decided to prepare to rescue Damon from Elena's castle! They all started training and Adriana with her mesmer magic helped Alex master his powers of the Fragments of Eden because most of them give control of the mind so she'd know how to use them because that's what mesmer magic does. Would Adriana even want to help them? Is there anything in it for her? She's an EVIL mesmer, after all.After training was over Alex and Derek and Tyler and Jeremy and Amelia and Adriana walked to Elena's sasstle ready to burn it down if thats what they need to rescue their beloved Damon (A/N Alex and Derek and Tyler and Jeremy's beloved anyway). I would say something, but words are redundant.It's on top of a hill in the middle of the forest and really creepy and evil but still looks kinda nice because Templar technology manipulates the mind of people looking at it. It looks like that box the Cullen's live in, probably. Nah, Elena has better taste than that.They destroyed the front door with plentiful ease and ran into the place screaming "ELENA AND BONNIE YOU BITCHES WE'LL KILL YOU!" "And Lucy too!" Adriana eloquenced. "And my stepmom too!" Amelia fulminataed (A/N like in percy jackson lololol). That reminds me that I have to read PJ. I bought the first book and promptly forgot it."And that fucker Jacob!" Derek howled (because he thinks Jacob is an insiult to all werewolves). Remus Lupin probably agrees."And those dykes Leslie and Leah!" Alex sexied. "WE4LL KILL YOU ALL8888888" But when they reached the great hall (like in Hogwarts but without the mahgical ceiling because Bonnie is fucking stupid and can't do that) they saw there were more enemies to fight... Get ready guys! This is going to be epicality!There was an ugly old woman with long brown hair and a yellow and blue dress who was TalysAlankil and who had been there all along to spy on me!! Luckily he get's a much cooler form soon.An other was AnyaThePurple und shhe rode a purple pony with blue glasses. Hi Anya! And Particula! *gives the pony an apple*An other was WolfBloodRei who wad ugly hair two different shades of red (the color of commies and Teplars!) and looked like a 3-year-old had drawn her. Rei has better art skills than you! BTW, has Alex ever drawn anything for us?And their leader was TigerAnne who had no face and had two wofl things (but not cool wolfs, more like lame normal woofs) following her. Um, no. They are not "normal" wolves. In reality they are not wolves at all. They are not even canine. It would be more correct to say they were big, meat-eating, four-legged kangaroos, although that's not accurate either. The thylacines were (are) large, carnivorous marsupials, native to Tasmania and possibly released in parts of the Australian mainland before their official extinction in the 1930s. Their closest living relative is the Tasmanian devil. They were nicknamed "Tasmanian wolves" because of their dog-like appearance, or "Tasmanian tigers" because they had dark stripes down their backs. Despite being concidered extinct by the vast majority of zoologists, there are frequently reported sightings of them on the mainland.
Oh, and if I don't have a face, at least I'm not ugly."WE WILL STOP YOU ALEX BECAUSE YOUR STORY SUCKS!" TigerAnne says. I highly doubt I can stop you from writing, so I'll settle for giving you my honest opinion of your tripe. Line by line."I already made a FORUM just to mock you for no reason!" (A/N like who does that? YOU HAVE A LIFE OR NOT?) Pffff! You didn't get a forum. Nor did you get your own thread like Adriana, either. You have to share one with people like Dally and Ariana."And you insulted my one true love the songstress from within tentation!" WolfBloodRei said. "Whatever you're just a dyke" Alex said. Would you have liked it if she called you the f-word? "We don't care about your opinion because you're not cool like Sandra and I'm sure you're like my mom, who's not even a person!" Ummmm, are the Alex's merging together here? It's Alexandra who has a lesbian mother who dates her therapist, and a gay father who dates a high-school drop out. (Isn't it kind of strange that they even got married and had a daughter in the first place?) Alexandre the character has a father who is an assassin and wants to kill him."DUDE everyone's a person!" Anya said. "THERES A LINE YOU DON4T CROSS IT!!8!" Anya speaks truth!"Well I'LL CROSS IT!" Tyler and Jeremy said at once and their love for each other caused them to fuse together and become... AVATAR ZUKO!!! (A/N that's Zuko from Avatar the last master of the air but he's the Avatar in this because Aang sucks and he's an ugly brat okay?) We have a Dally-fan here! Wait... shouldn't the homophobia in FTS have repelled Alexandra from reading it?And then he burned her with Fire mastery (AN I dont know the word in English so I hope I got it right). Then she was just a little pile of purple ashes. Noooo! Anya's avatar seems to die a lot in trollfics."What?" TalysAlankil mumbled "Gurrrl why did you brun my friend and lover?" (because they're all dykes on this forum of creeps!) Sure we are! Even the guys! "I'll kill you with my Templar tehcnology!" Then he took his gun He? His? OK, that's correct, but you said Talys was a woman. that was powered by a frag of Eden but Alex's powers were stronger anyway so it didn't work and Derek killed TalysAlankil with swift assassination moves. You're free! Now you can go home and play GW2! "NOOOO!" WolfBloodRei gagged. "My friends and occasional lovers to console me from my lust for the girl of wt! I will avenge you!!!" She took a gun caled a scarf power gun or something but it didn't work because she was too stupide to use it. Alex's gang laughed at her for half an hour while she tried to use the gun and then the gun backfired and she died. If Rei was stupid, then how smart are the assassins who just stand there for half an hour waiting for her gun to start working?Then Tigeranne was all alone against the groupe with her dog-woof-things. "We dont need to do that your logic and story sucks and you're a homophobic judgmental bitch just admit it and we'll let you have Damon!" You can just have him. I'm not into dead men. But hearing you admitting that lesbiphobia is homophobia too would mean a tiny bit of redemption and character development on your part.Alex wanted Damon back but he was a good honest person so he wouldn't lie to get him. "NEVER! You're wrong I can't be a homophobe I AM GAY!" OK, then. You are a misogynist.But then Amelia said "she has a poitn Alex you should admit that you're mean to those poor dykes." And then she joined Tigeranne! (AN Because she's a stupid girl who believes evrything people tell her and is manipulated by the templar!) While I do believe Amelia isn't wholly bad, and that there is hope for her, she IS as stupid as two lumps of rock. So I probably won't have control of her longer than until someone else convinces her to join them."Gooooooooood..." Tigeranne ranted. "I'll make you my student along with BellaCarino and together we will take the good Assassin's down! AHAHHAHAHAHAHOAHIDDOHDAOHAOIDIOADHAHDJAHDHDKAHO!!8888!88!!!!" Oh yes. I totally laugh like that.She clasped her hands on her wolves and they bamfed away! lolololololololololololololololololololololololol I think I'm kind of cool in this chapter. I can bamf away like Mystique in FTS. And she's probably the coolest character in that story, despite having raised a teenage psycho.A/N : What an exciting chapter I hope you're excited WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?Next they go to Hogwarts to become goths.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 11, 2012 16:53:55 GMT -8
Wheee I can go play GW2 ! (Except not, since I'm back in the next chapter. Oh well)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 13, 2012 12:52:12 GMT -8
Time for another revenge chapter!A/N : OMG you people are so mean and stupid but it's okay becuse you suck and are jealous. Also you're templars so I know a good Assassin will kill you someday and that makes me feel better. Chapter 10 of the assassins diary Epic FIGHT.lololololololololololololololololololololololololol We're still laughing!Tigeranne's POV (but not really coz I cant imagine what must be going in that sick girl's head) That is a mutual feeling, Alex. And I'm glad to hear you can't read my mind.Tigeranne erappeared in the true great hall of the castle (A/N see there are two great halls and one's a decoy) with her wolves and Amelia. She said "Come I'll introduce you to the other and initiate you to the arts of sapphire love!" which made Amelia a little scared. That didn't sound like anything I'd say, so I'm a little worried too.They reached a satanic circle Oh no! We worship Carloose! where Bonnie was preparing a dark evil and bad ritual of horrible magic. We're not going to summon Twila, are we?"Hey gurl" Bonnie said to Tigeranne. "Hey." She answered "Need something?" She questioned "Yeah TalysAlankil and WolfBloodRei and AnyaThePurple were killed so I'm going to need some help here." "Oh that's okay." Bonnie said. "I'll reincarnate TalysAlankil and WolfBloodRei in your wolves and AnyaThePurple's a commie Templar disco robot anyway so I'll just rebuild her." (A/N Thanks Milena for letting me see the light about this!) At least you all get cooler incarnations than the ugly old women she initially made you."Thats cool thx." So Bonnie performed her EVIL RITUAL and the wolves were now WolfBloodRei and TalysAlankil. Then she said "You're now weremen too, it's like a werewolf but in reverse, so you're wolves normally but you can turn into people when you want too OK?" I guess that could be one explanation for why perfectly sane Australians keep seeing an extinct animal. They are were-thylacines.They turned into people and said "Kthx Bonnie." They were naked but they didn't care coz they were all promiscuous anyway. Since the wolves were a male and a female WolfBloodRei was still a woman but TalysAlankil was now a man, so he was now bisexual (which is as gross for men as lesbo is for a woman since you always need threesomes). I sure hope his boyfriend and girlfriend will get along.Then Bonnie warped AnyaThePurple's corpse and repaired it so she was alive again. Her pony Particula (lol more like Farticula am I right?) Anya's gonna kill you for that! was there too because it was a pussy so it had run from the battle. She was just smart enough to follow her survival instinct."EWW you're a man now" she said to TalysAlankil which made him/her sad because they used to be GFs (yeah well that's what happens when you're a fucking trans). Are you saying Talys was a transvestite before, or that he is one now? Because being a were-tassie drag queen is so weird it's almost cool."Good." A voice said entering the room. "We are now assembled to kill these faggots Assassins once and for all!" It was... Katherine! "Now we can set my perfect plan into motion." She said. Behind her appeared Damon but he was now evil because Katherine controlled her. Damon is also genderbent now, it would seem."Wow you're so hot." TalysAlankil said. "I was just dumped. I'm bi now, will you two have threesomes with me?" Yeah, those two will possibly get along."OK" Katherine said because she's a slut like that. Damon agreed because of the mind control. Damon has been in FIVEsomes before. He doesn't need mind control to become promiscuous."Noooo!" Adriana cried lasciviously. "We're two members down now!" "Yeah well whatever." Alex said. "We can still kill them all." Are you sure? We flattened you last time you tried.That reassured the otters You have battle otters? Like those trained by the American Navy? That's not good news for our evil side! and they explored the castle. They reached a room with a balcony that was just above a huge cliff. "If the crypt is under the castle we should climb down to find Damon" Derek said with logic and intelligence and wits. Those almost make up for his lack of common sense."Great idea!" Alex said. "But we can't climb like that we weren't trained by Assassins like you." Jeremy and Tyler said (A/N they weren't Zuko anymore because they were losing love for the world then they couldn't look at each other and that was unacceptable). "OK you two and Adriana will just have to find another way then." Alex said and then he and Derek started climbing down. I don't see that being a problem for Adriana. She managed to get on top of a really tall wardrobe to escape the werewolves Diana sent after her.Alex was further down so he had a great view of Derek's ass and it looked fantastic which made him hard which made it hard (A/Nhehe) You mean difficult? to climb down because his boner was getting caught in all kinds of stuff. Do you mean to tell us that he's going on a dangerous mission naked? Because if his penis was still in his pants, it wouldn't get caught in stuff. So he forced himself to think of TalysAlankil and AnyaThePurple making out which turned him out instantly. I'd think getting your dick caught among thorny shrubs and sharp rocks would be enough of a turn-off on its own! Good thing they're dead he thought. Well think again.After an hour they reached the bottom of the cliff and there was the entrance to the crypt. But it was still sealed by Bonnie's magic! "Oh no what will we do?" Alex wondered. "You have the power." Derek said. Derek is the Purple Faery Queen?"No!" He whined. "I... can't..." "YOU CANNNN" Derek yelled, and that gave Alex the confidence to do it. With his power he broke Bonnie's magic and the crypt's door. They entered the room... ... ......... ................. And ended up in the true great hall with all the templars! Dun. Dun. Dun. UND!lololololololololololololololololololololololololol Yeah, that's my feelings exactly!A/N Yoko Ono what will happen next ? Yoko Ono: I don't know. I didn't read the story.Next time, Milena shows up! Rejoice.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 15, 2012 9:43:31 GMT -8
It's Saturday, so as a special weekend treat I'm going to do two chapter of TAD! Actually, the new ones are so short I may do all three.A/N Wasn't that an epix clifffinger last time?No.Chapter 10 of the assassins diaries
lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol Yes, we're still laughing.Alex and Derek are in the great hall and all the EVIL TEMPLARS are there including the ones who were dead and ressuscited by Bonnie's evil magic! And... ... DAMON Is WITH THEM! "Yoko Ono!" Derek says. "Let Damon go!" Yoko Ono: There is nobody named Damon here. Have you boys been smoking something?"I'm here on my own accord." Damon says. "I LOVE KATHERINE TOO YOU KNOW!" At least he has her to himself, unlike Alex who needs to be the fuck buddy of every guy he meets. Except apparently Matt. OK, and Jacob & friends.DUN DUN DUNE!!!!! That's a new reference, at least.Elsewhere in the sassle That's the second time you've spelled it like that. How does that typo exist? Tyler and Jeremy and Adriana are still searching for the crypt and have no idea of what was going on. That's not unusual for them.Suddenly Amelia appears in front of them along with an ugly blonde preppy girl. It is... BellaCarino! But she prefers to be called Alessandra (AN which is a stupid name and it copies mine!). Alessandra seems rather nice, actually. Unlike a certain other author. And another certain author. And another author."Join us..." Amelia naives. "Sapphire love is the best of all and they're teaching me good storytelling that follows the rules of the Templars!" I still have no idea what Sapphire Love is, although I'm supposed to be a priestess of it. And if Templar fiction is the antithesis of this, then it has to be good."Yes, join us!" Alessandra stupids. "OR DIE!!!!! HAHAHAAHHAIDHAOIDHADAKJBHKDAHJ!" *Performs Heimlich on Alessandra*Lucy and Jacob appear from behind and the trio fight for dear life This is definitely another attempt at pissing Talys off, by using his least favorite Ariana expression. I fear for what happens the day he does explode. A human can only take that much. but suddenly a bright flash of light happen and a girl with METAL HAIR and a guitar appears! Oh look, Talys. It's your second favourite enemy at the moment. Or maybe she's moved up to number one."I am Milena and I'm here to help the good assassins because assassins are totally METAL!" She found time to help out in between saving Europe from tyranny on her own.Milena brutally murders Lucy with her guitar Poor Lucy! Is Milena really THAT bad at playing? and that gives Tyler and Jeremy time to fuse again (A/N they do it by stroking each other ) I prefer them just shouting "FUUUUUUUUUUUU". into Avatar Zuko and burn Jacob to ashed. Where did Jacob come from? Thin air?The two apprentice dykes run away because they're cowards. No, they're not scared. The real reason they ran away was because the combined Stu-essence of Jeremyler made them sick to the stomach. They are inexperienced, after all."Cool! we win!" Tyler and Jeremy say unfusing. "Yes but your friends need our help..." a figure says emerging from a portal. Her name was Chella (A/N THis is you KarkatsMateSpirit!) Hello. Welcome to the suckiest fanfiction since Hoggy Edward. and she also had a portal gun (like we discussed in your fic okay?). Are Portal Guns canon anywhere?"What? Were are they?" Adriana asks. "In the true great hall. Come, I'll portal us there!" She does and they are now in the true great hall, screaming "DEATH TO ALL DYKES" as they attack the templars. But they are not homophobic. Not at all. If this fic had a wider audience it could probably cause just as much rage as BL.But then Damon starts fighting against them too because of Katherine's mind control and since hes so powerful they can only fight for dear life again... Hello again, Ariana referance. At least there is no flying machine gun. (I really need to stop saying things like that, don't I?)On the other side of the room Alex and Derek have to fight too because the Templars are just that many and Alex sees Damon fighting his friends. He thinks 'What should I do should I kill Damon to help the others or should I leave him alone? MY LIFE IS SO HARD WHY COULDNT I JUST BE NORMAL!" Because your parents dropped you off the changing table when you were a newborn. So you're a little stupider than normal. It's ok, you can live a pretty good life with a low IQ.Suddenly, there was a light! It was the TRAIN TO APOCALYPSE, and it was coming right at them!lololololololololololololololololololololol And the crowd rejoiced and made the train international hero of good litterature.A/N I'm going to make shorter chapters from now on so I can post them more often maybe even twice a day if I'm in a really creative mood. Let me know what you think! The faster you spew them out, the faster I can insult them. Bring them on!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 15, 2012 10:16:29 GMT -8
AN this is the big finale of the threeparter!Chapter 12 of the assassin diaries: EVIL PLAN
lololololololololololololol This chapter is a little... unusual.There was a light and when it fades it reveals... Savannah! (AN this i you XXXEdwardzLovahXXX). We know her.She grabs Damons head and says "By the powers of my dads awesome country music Oh no!!! I WILL BREAK YOUR MIND CONTROL!" And then she starts singing to soothe Damon's tortured soul. While Milena's shrieking guitar-playing split everyone's heads open and they died to death.This song is for my special friend Our relationship, it has to end Social norms are saying so But how it hurts to let you go In case some of you haven't read Savanna's blog, the friend in question is their illegal pet python. They had to let go of it because of an "accident".I'm sory that you ate Jolene She wasn't easy on your spleen (That's not part of the digestive system, but "liver" doesn't rhyme with "Jolene".) That silicone, it made you sick I feel like such a soulless p**** Jolene may or may not be her brother's ex wife. It's also not entirely clear whether it was the snake that killed her, or if it only helped to dispose of the evidence of a crime.Although we'll all be missing you Your life will be better at the zoo I hope the staff will treat you kind And get this nasty business of your mind Don't you just love how respectfully Jolene's tragic demise is treated? Did the police investigate her death at all?(AN This song belongs to Savanna's dad I did not write it) The song is so beautiful A beautiful example of narm. about Duncan Dynamight's pain for losing his pet snake It's name is "Fluffles" by the way. Sounds like the kids rather wanted a dog. that Damon cries with laughter and then says "FUCK YOU KATHERINE YOU WERE JUST USING ME!!!) and his rage is so intense that it scares the templars who start running away to their teleporter room. But Alex takes that chance to strike and runs after them! Unfortunately most of them evaded but he manages to kill Bonnie before she can use one of her spells. BOOOO! As a last vengeance she splurts blood al over him but it was okay cause it turns Damon on Oh, ewww! That's probably a reference to the scene in "Ohio" where Iris loses virginity. and they immediately start to make out. "I'm sorry about this." Damon says. "It's okay its Katherines fault that bitch." Yeah, blame the girls. Not like it wasn't loverboy Tyler who started the whole misery in the first place by picking on Alex and Derek. Not to mention beating Alex up for an hour."So we won then ?" Derek asks. We let you think you won."Yeah!" Jeremy and Tyler say at the one time (they're not fused anymore but still kinda in tune due to sharing a mind for so long). "We should celebrate!" Alex rejoices. Like when Dally and Hiei "found" Shadow?So they all go to Alex's home and have lots of fun. If you know what I mean. When it gets late the girls go away (they decided to go live in Elena's mansion since that bitch wouldn't use it anymore) and the boys have sex all night to make up for lost time. Yeah. That's Dally style partying.But somewhere else the Templars all reappeared after having teleported. "Fuck them." Katherine says. "But not literally!" as she sees the horny expresson on TalysAlankil, Tigeranne, AnyaThePurple and WolfBloodRei's faeces. Stus are really not our type. "We need a secret weapon to kill them all... We need... DALLY DARKBLOOD! HAHAHZLAHOAHDJABNDOANIFBIABFKFAONJDLKF!!!!!" She's going to feel right at home. Is this still my fault? lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol A/N : OMG this story is getting so much more interesting!Actually, the next chapter is a major let-down. I'll save it until she posts the next one, and do them together.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 15, 2012 17:33:03 GMT -8
What do you mean "Are Portal Guns canon anywhere ?" They are in the Portal games, at least ^_^
And to answer your question, I'm not sure who would be #1 on my list right now. Let's call it a tie.
(yes I am purposefully ignoring the rest. There isn't much to add, to be honest.)
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Sept 15, 2012 18:05:18 GMT -8
I wondered if portal guns was something that existed in a game, and turns out it does. Obviously I haven't played Portal. I was really looking forwards to seeing Dally again, but the next chapter was just about Alex meeting an ancient assassin on the roof of Jenna, and making out with him. These later chapters haven't been as crazy and revolting as the previous ones, so it was a bit more of a challenge to make the snark well... snarky. Hopefully that changes now that they are going to Hogwarts.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Sept 16, 2012 3:02:39 GMT -8
^Indeed.
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Post by WolfBloodRei on Sept 16, 2012 8:15:04 GMT -8
Them going to Hogwarts gives me bad feelings. ALL of the bad feelings ._.;
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Nov 26, 2012 10:47:11 GMT -8
Looooong time, no snark. My humblest apologies. I hope you accept my offering of another chapter of Alex' epic lovestory.AN This is the start of a new epic quest to find Dally! Yess!Chapter 13 of The Assassin's Diaries: Travels!!! All the snarkers now: lolololololololololololololol Its been weeks since the evil templars had left Mystique Falls because Alex chased them off. He's so BRAVE! Since then he and the others have spent all their time having fun and having sex (A/N Not that sex isn't fun of course ) because with Julie and Elena and Bonnie gone no one runs the school anymore. They were the head mistresses? And hello there, FTS reference.
Alex, are you telling us they had all the fun sex at the school? I'm not actually surprised...However one day Alex wakes up in his bed at dawn and exhibitionates on the balcony to greet the jolly morning sun So he's like Savanna's hippie neighbours? when he hears the swift sound of a shadow moving behind and above him. He can hear a shadow? Move over, twi-wolves, there is a new super-human in town. He turned around to see a man on the roof! Alex is like "WTF" and climbed the wall to see who it is. Its a man wearing all white clothes with a hood covering most of his face. Careful, Alex. It sounds a bit like he's from a certain clan, not known for tolerance."OMG your like an old day assassin!" Alex whispers loudly. Which probably means the assassin heard him."Thats because I am. I am Ezio Auditore da Firenze." Ezio elucubrates. I read that as "lubricates". Thank you, Alex. You have contaminated my brain. (Which was so clean before...)"Lol you think I'm stupid you lived during the renaissance like millions of years ago!" We all think you are a little stupid, Alex. Based on what you just said.Ezio: I WAS A DINO RIDER!!! IT WAS BADASS!"No I was reborn to help you fight the Templars." I WAS INCUBATED BY A FEMALE T-REX!It's now my head canon that Ezio is a large ham."Oh okay then." Then Ezio pulls down his hood and reveals that he's a hot man in his early twenties Alex: I DO NOT TOLERATE ELDERLY PEOPLE IN MY STORY!!! with brown hair pulled back in a ponytail and chocolate eyes (A/N I know that's a shade of brown but its not shitty boring brown like Stephan and Elena's). "OMG your like, so hot." Alex says. What if he happens to be homophobic? He's medieval after all."I know right?" Ezio says with a smile Oh great. Another character with the exact same narcissistic personality as the rest of them. and Alex jumps on him and starts undressing him right there on the roof. Wow! Easy there, stallion. But suddenly... ...Derek and Damon and Jeremy and Tyler show up! Derek & Damon & Jeremy & Tyler WERE THE ROOF!!!"Are you cheating on us?" Jeremy sadfaced. Can it even be considered cheating anymore, when there is already 54 of you in the relationship?"What? Wait no I haven't done anything yet so thats not cheating!" (A/N I heard my dad tell that to Derek on the phone when I was in the US thats why he didn't want to see me) I kind of feel a little sorry for Derek. Something tells me your dad took advantage of an inexperienced teenager."NO YOUR A CHEATER!" dAmon (A/N shoutout do deviantArt which is a lovely site eve though it's full of templars) We know. That was where we found your story! cries out and runs away. "Hell come around." Derek says. Oh yeah. Hell will indeed come around in a couple of chapters, if memory serves me right. "You're pretty hot." He tells Ezio. "Thanks you're not so bad yourself." "Thank you :3 " Derek blushes sayingly. If all assassins have that degree of one-track minds, I can see why there are so few of them left. It can't be hard to distract them in battle.But before they can go any further Jeremy throws a bucket of cold water at all of them because hes a little tired of all the hornyness around him THANK YOU Jeremy! You're not the only one. (A/N plus he wants Tyler for himself now that selfish bastard ) Oh yeah. It's totally selfish to not want to share your significant other with 54 people. What an asshole!"Oh wait!" Ezio remembers reminiscently. "I remember why I'm here! I have to warn you Alexandra At least you've stopped pretending the character isn't you... Hawke Shion Miles." "Really of what?" THE WERE-THYLACINES! THEY ARE COMING! AND THEY HAVE LAZERS! BUAHAHAHAH!!!"You are in a great danger, the templars are looking for a new weapon to destroy you? It's a girl called Dally Darkblood." Sorry, Dally. You don't get to be a were-thylacine. We need to have really high standards."OMG we have to find her and kill her then!" Alex creams. Ugh. Thanks for reminding us he was "exhibitioning" himself."Exactly and I will guide you to her... In Britain!" lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololol AN So yeah their now going to Hogwarts isn't that awesome!It could have been, but instead we got more bad porn.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Nov 26, 2012 11:43:56 GMT -8
You're back to snarking ! Yay ! Reminds me I have a chapter of FAWL snarked. Just need to write the storyline bit.
…And I'm sorry, but I find your snark hilarious. Don't even know why.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Nov 26, 2012 12:38:01 GMT -8
I'm sorry, but I find your snark hilarious. Don't even know why. You're sorry you find it funny? I'm not sure that's a compliment, ha ha!
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