Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 27, 2011 18:08:56 GMT -8
The author's note implying she had kaleidoscope eyes? Oh, forgive me, madamoiselle.
And no, long names do not necessarily mean Mary Sue, but do you really need to state the full name in your introduction? Come to that, who needs two middle names? For fictional characters, it's a warning sign. For one who was born in 1403, I find it highly, highly unlikely- people were unlikely to get a LAST name then, for crying out loud!
Pikachu: Sure, it's overmarketed, ought to be level 300 by now, and has gotten downright annoying, but deep down it just wants to be loved... Screw it. LEAF BLADE!
So, after Talys left a detailed, polite and constructive comment, she reposted chapter 3 with an added bit to explain her family tree. She is daughter of an Angel and ...Damian?
Then she posted this:
I am sorry people but I will not be contiuing this story and will probaly put it up for adoption if any one wants to adopt it. ta!
Hmm, for someone who asked for critizism, she doesn't seem to take it too well. I'm starting to wonder how old she is. Because if she isn't a troll, she would have to be 11 or thereabouts. And kids that young aren't allowed on FF because of reasons exactly like this.
Anyway, Sammy (Who claims her name is Lily White, but she's still Sammy to me) is updating her Naruto stories, but seems to have abandoned the Ariana clone.
Last Edit: Oct 27, 2011 18:27:07 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
Maybe when she ages a few years (assuming she doesn't actually share her character's condition) and learns how to deal with feedback. As for who'd want to adopt it... Ariana's not actually banned from FF, is she?
Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 27, 2011 21:53:05 GMT -8
^No, she's not. Also, I'mma go with legit on this one. Shitloads of eleven-year-olds fake their age to get on ff. Also, she says her character looks eleven. It seems to me that's to make the character more her own age and thus easier for her to write.
Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 28, 2011 2:14:10 GMT -8
^Yup, probably a kid. On the other hand, I have no regrets. If you can't take two review that are "sort of" negative, then maybe you shouldn't publish your stories. People criticize, that's what we do best.
…Ow. Why did you send that link ? I'd have ignored it gleefully otherwise.
ETA — have you seen the girl's profile ? She has a link to a pic that's supposedly her Sue. Behold. I think it's a real person, too, meaning she stole the pic.
It's an actress called Taylor Momsen (surname means "value tax" in Scandinavian languages), she's been in Gossip Girl according to Wikipedia. So it's probably someone BGEGG admires. She does not in any way look 11, though. (And isn't all that pretty either. Too much panda.)
Oh, but hey... I couldn't NOT mention Ariana's latest stunt. Do I want to suffer alone, or something? ;D
Last Edit: Oct 28, 2011 2:36:37 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 28, 2011 5:02:09 GMT -8
Actually, there've been worse ones. I mean, at least this one sort of had a plot. And she's got that whole lack of cultural awareness thing down pat. And I could actually understand what she was writing.
...Still, poor Mark. *Hugs Mark plushie* And poor Seamus. Though I'm sure it's really a replica. Also, Josie wanted to leave a scathing remark, but OC's with original stories can't go on fanfiction sites cuz they'd explode.
Also, Josie wanted to leave a scathing remark, but OC's with original stories can't go on fanfiction sites cuz they'd explode.
Ha ha, yeah. I noticed you managed to drag her away just before she came to any harm. I borrowed my OCs e-mail to set up an account just so I can poke some fun of Ariana. Hopefully it won't affect her badly. (Ellen, not Ariana.) Ironically, Ellen is a writer who starts out writing badness of epical preportions, and is called into the head's office every time she hands in an assignment.
Due to a sad lack of newer lolz, I have decided to spork a dead horse. The authors of this fic have long ago admitted to be trolling, but since it appears to be one of Ariana's prime influences it may provide some insight into her insane troll brain. This is for science! ...err, yeah.
Lady of Sorrow
Darkness surrounds me, the cloak of black air goes around me like a cloak. I feel black darkness swirlying round me. Fluent redundant? Check. Then I woke up. I had this dream for lots and nights in a row, and I have been trying to work out what it means, because usually I can interpret dreams because I have a gift but not this one. The night is my favourite time of the day Something sounds a bit off here... because it is the time when it is dark and the mysterious things come out of where they are and start to come out. Practically grew up in the Dept. of redundancy dept. did this one. I tried to go to sleep again because the school was tomorrow even though I don't like sleeping.
Why? Does sleeping hurt? Or is it just because you miss out on a lot of being depressed?
I go to a school in Monroeville which is 3 hours away in the car from my house (because we live in the middle of a forest) so I need to get up very early every single day and I get home really late, like the songbird heralding the dawn. You will see this simile a lot. A LOT! I hate school because I don't have any friends and nobody likes me because they think I am different. Pay attention to this, because it gets contradicted soon enough. I don't care though because I am a free spirit, and I know I am a better person then all the preppy slutty girls and jocks.
In the stillness of the early morning, I heard my alarm go off, Gerard Way singing about the Black parade It's just not a proper goth fic without MCR. and jumped out of bed abruptly. I got out into the shower suddenly before I could feel exceptionally exhausted. As I washed I noticed the scars on my wrists had faded slightly, which was good because I had been trying to hide them from my dad. It's not a goth fic if the main character doesn't self mutilate a little. My dad hates me because I don't mix in at school and he thinks it would be better if I was a sheep and followed the crowds, not understanding my true free nature In keeping with the Joan tradition (although I don't know which one came first, I think they were contemporaries) Dad is an abusive bastard. , and that I'd much rather be a loner than an unintelligent popular who everyone hates.
Apart from the people who like them, since they are after all popular.
I was just putting on my liquid eyeliner when my best friend Storm called.
No friends, eh? But don't worry. Storm is generally ignored through most of the story and only serves as a foil.
"Hey Helena" she said darkly. Because she is a goth. We geddit.
"Hi Storm" I replied back hastily.
"Guess what?" She exclaimed surprisedly. "Today Mrs. Sylvia said that there is going to be a new boy in school."
Nah? Who could that be?
"Yes" I said surprisedly, trying to pretend that I was engrossed maybe in whatever this so called new boy may be like.
"Apparently he is from a really mysterious family. I'm apparently quite interested to know what he may be like!" Storm cried.
"See ya!" I crooned.
Notice the inappropriate adverbs in action here? This is just the beginning of that trend.
After I put my makeup on I went down to eat breakfast. My dad says he doesn't like me eating breakfast after I have got ready but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society. No, she doesn't. She'll remind you of this about once every chapter. But really? Eating breakfast before getting dressed is hardly a commonly held ideal. My dad came down just as I was consuming my nutritious muesli.
Gotta have cereal.
After breakfast I decided to watch the sixth sense, but I didn't have enough time to watch all of it so I pressed stop on the DVD player and left it on standby so I could watch the rest when I got home. That is bad for the DVD player. Then my dad said we had to go.
As I got in the car I began to feel very sleepy again. I fell quickly asleep in the car listening to Fall out Boy on my old Ipod. It was only a shuffle, which displeased me, because I really wanted to have a Ipod Nano but my dad was too selfish Yeah, that's child abuse right there. and said I needed to be taught a lesson. I didn't care about him anyway.
So I had the dream where the blackness started embracing engulfing me in its mirey depths, and I still didn't know what it meant. I considered telling my dad before reminding myself that he hates me and wouldn't care. You cannot be a proper Sue if your Dad cares. A real Sue must be alone in the world until she meets The One. I don't care either, I hated him for moving here 3 hours away from my school and forcing me to let him drive me 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon, so I had to get up at half 4 every morning.
You don't think that was a little inconvenient for him as well? I guess he's got work afterwards. And it's not like he couldn't have shipped you off to a boarding school.
I arrived at the school gates nauseatingly When she arrives, everyone gets a sudden urge to puke, dreading walking into the place to spend another day so lonesome. But even I wasn't to know what surprises awaited me there...
This is about as normal as it gets in this fic, because the decent into madness is brutal. While reading it, keep in mind all the time that it IS a troll, one of the few confirmed ones.
This chapter does bear a slight resemblance to the beginning of Brewdening Love.
I sat in my seat delicately, Storm looked at me superciliously and excited. Storm got her name because she was concieved in the blossoming bellows of a great thunderstorm. Her parents were almightily cool and she was lucky because she only lived 5 minutes away from the school. So why is Storm an EMO again? We were friends because we were both dark and variant from the rest of the people in the school, we were extremely discrepant from the rest of the people in the school. We also both cut ourselves and were bi but we didn't like each other in THAT way.
Again, WHY does Storm cut herself, when it's already established that her family is very caring. It gets confirmed later on that she has a happy home life. And again with the alleged bisexuality which you'll never see in effect.
Anyways, have a sexah description of Edward.
On the spur of the moment a tall spectral boy walked into the class. He was unlike any boy I had ever seen before. His eyes were the polychromasia of amber honey, his face was as pale as a corpse that had been preserved and left for a long time. His hair appeared undead and life-like. He was wearing dark eyeliner around his eyes which enhanced their beauty even more. His mouth was a straight line on his face as though it had been drawn on with a sharpie. Full lips are so not sexah. His pallid lips were as pale as the midnight snow on a dark hilltop. His eyebrows were perfectly aligned like the golden wings of a golden eagle. He was as beautiful as a thorny black midnight sorrowful rose.
That was only a little worse than canon. It gets "better"...
I was shocked and jubilant when he decided to sit in the empty seat next to me that I had never noticed before. I felt a blitz of adrenaline shoot through my fragile body as I felt Edward's icy hyperborean breath fall gently onto my skin. I looked straight ahead at the dazzling alabaster whiteboard in order to hide my permeable feelings.
At least she's not sitting on his desk.
I was snapped out of my phantasm when Mr. Churchward the history teacher talked.
"Now everyone, we have a new boy in class today. His name is Edward Cullen." Mr Churchward reminisced. "Now I hope you are all moderately pleasant to him."
Mr Churchward knows the class are a bunch of nasties.
"Hi" Edward greeted to me.
"Hi" I announced scaredly. Storm tried to catch my eye from across the classroom because I was talking to the new boy. I could hardly speak as I was blown away by his mysterious beauty. He was more beautiful than anything I had ever seen, it was mildly terrifying. He was whiter than the alabaster moon, darker than the dark side of the moon, more beautiful than moonlight falling on a thorny meadow. He seemed to exert an exceptional power, something supernatural. I could tell because I am a very spiritual person and I often pick up on things no one else notices. His arrival seemed to have cause a disruptance in the class Twila referance, isn't it?, people were whispering and pointing. I heard one of the populars, Cindy, was observing him, sniggering with her preppy friends. I stuck my middle finger at them coolilessly.
I'm sure Ariana uses that word too.
"Do you hate them" Edward asked me abruptly.
This time it's Edward who is the inappropriately forward one. Not that Darkness (She hasn't presented herself yet, but that is her name. Whenever she isn't called Helena.) minds an awful lot, though.
"Oh what, the populars?" I questioned, abslutely thrilled indeed that he was talking to me. "Yes. They hate me, only because I'm different. I mean, it's nothing to do with those preps if I want to dye my hair black or cut myself or not have any friends or be a loner."
She turned the whole question upside down. And does she sound friendly to you?
"Yes." He said. "People that are different have always been persecuted so. It's so incest." he said.
There will indeed be incest in this story! Now, try to imagine this conversation taking place with the cahracters acting the way they are described, and poor Mr Churchward trying to teach class in the background.
"Yeah!" I screamed. "People never know about us yet they assuminate that it's ok to persecute us just 'cos we're wonderfully loners with no friends and 'cos we're different!" I mentioned passionately.
"There's another thing" Edward said knowingly so.
"What" I said strangely.
"I think they're jealous." He cried slowly. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen." he said lovingly.
"OMG!" I teleported rapturelessly. "You are the most beautiful person I happen to have chanced across also!" said I meticulously.
Then the bell rang for the end of the day.
She goes to one of those Sue schools that only have one five-minute class per day, because that's as far as a Sue can extend her attention span.
Authors Note: I would be happy if people could review my story and say how to improve it thx!
Would you be surprised to learn that she took any and all criticism really badly? ...prepz!!!
At the present being I was sentimenting vastly thrilled that the beautiful Edward Cullen had chosen to sit next to me. We meandered to the next class together, Wasn't it the end of the day in the last chapter? hardly looking at where were going as we were so utterly engrossed in each others speech..
We arrived at the science class.
We sat down next to each other.
Rhetorical question: Are they going to pay attention in this class?
"So Edward, whereabouts in these parts has you have you moved in?" I questioned him solemnly.
"Oh, I live ages away, near the forest" he emphasized.
"OMG me too!" said I. "That's sooo weird I never knew anyone else lived out there!"
"Do you like MCR"? Edwards perturbed me.
"OH. MY. GOD." I asked nautically. "They are my FAVOURITE band EVER! I know the stupid preps and my dad (he's a prep too by the way) would want me to listen to Henna Montana and HSM but I don't like to conform to the ideals of society!" I disgustedly swallowed.
Do preps really listen to Hannah Montana after the age of 12? I thought Taylor Swift and Beyoncé was more their style.
"O rly?" the beautiful Edward Cullen excavated. "Well, I was wondering, would you perchance want to consider arriving at my abode after school today? We could listen to some MCR and maybe some Evenesence if you would feel pleasantly about that?" Edward spat politely.
Edward speaks like he stepped right out of the 18th century. Now where have we heard that before...?
"I love Evenesence! My Immortal I C wut U did thur and Wake me up Inside It's called Bring Me To Life! Poser. are of course among my top ten song choices!" I happily exulted.
"Excellent!" Edward gusted.
"But one problem" said I. "How will we appear there? My stupid preppy father forces me to let him drive me 3 hours to and from school every single day!" I creameried.
You did what now? Also, poor you for having a preppy dad who insists on picking you up so that you have to spend 3 hours in the car with him instead of booting you off to boarding school.
"Oh don't worry" said Edward magnificently. I know how to arrive on due course homeward." said Edward sexily.
So he has sufficient brain capacity to finds his way home?
Nothing much happened for the rest of that school day, the presence of the Edward Cullen made things so much more bearable though. Just looking at him was enough to make my insides melt crustily. I knew I was falling in love with him and it was extravagant.
And as usual, the relationship between Edward and Sue is moving quickly.
Then at the end of the day we walked out of the school gates fulfilled. Suddenly, Bella Swan (who was an ugly popular preppy girl) appeared in front of me.
Oh noes, it's Bella. What will they do to get rid of her?
"Where ya going Bitch?" Bella sniffed.
She's turned into Lauren. Fanon Lauren at least.
"I'm leaving to return home with Edward Cullen" I asked fruitily.
"So, YOUR Edward Cullen are ya? The new kid eh?" The Prep exclaimed stupidly.
Weren't you paying attention on class either, Bella?
"Yes, does that bother you?" said Edward Cullen wonderfully.
"Well, maybe I shouldn't LET you home" said Bella preppily. She stood in the way with her bitchy popular preppy conformist friends and wouldn't let her get past.
"Let us through here Bella" I growled scarily.
Prepare for a bit of violence.
"You shall not pass!" the Bitch laughed pathetically.
Then suddenly…Edward shot lasers out of his eyes and Bella Swan's face was scalded!
"OW MEIN EYES!" She screamed excitedly. I laughed forgetfully and Edward Cullen quickly led me away.
I'm not sure she died, but I don't think she is mentioned again.
"How did you do that?" I excavated.
"There's something I need to tell you Helena. I am a vampire Superman."
"OMG!" I said excretedly. "Is that why you are so beautiful?" said I.
"Oh, I can do much more than that" He said suggestively. Like what, I wonder... Then he grabbed my arm and we started flying!
"OMG wow!" I screamed, thinking what the preps would be like if they could see me now. "This is just like magic!" said I.
Authors Note: Thanks so much to my best friend Darkness (or xeddward4evax lol) for co writing this chapter! MCR forever girl!
WARNING This chapter contains a sex scene!
The flying was externally ecstatic. I adorned every minute. When we touched down in the middle of the forest I gasped. Eddward put his arm around me, then he strolled lambently to his house. I came.
Things are about to get gross, so don't eat breakfast reading this.
His house was amazing! It was like a cross between an old gothic castle and a real cool modern home with like huge windows that took up a whole wall! I looked inside and the walls were painted black with red bits in and they had huge sofas and bean bags! Inside, two male vampires were making out naked. They were almost as hot as Eddward.
I blushed. Edward laughed at me robustly.
"This is the vampire way of things Helena! Yeah, in Anne Rice's stories. Not in Twilight. That's just Jasper and Alice." he explained funnily.
"Alice?" I portioned.
"He used to be a girl, but he had a sex change." Edward said.
I think this is a reference to her being a plebian in Twila.
"Oh cool!" I loved.
Edward took me inside of his house and upstairs. I said hi to Jasper and Alice on the way. They were so hot (they were still naked), almost as beautiful as Edward. Edward told me that all vampires are bi, which is cool because I'm bi too. We went upstairs into his room. I gasped.
Edwards room was black as a stormy night. He had one of his walls painted red, like the blood of an alabaster kitten. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! He had MCR posters everywhere, there was even one of Gerard Way naked! Eww. He was so hot but not as hot as Edward. He also had posters of Bill Kraulitz, who was also really hot. I almost feinted from the amount of hot guys in the current location and time.
She is more resilient than Ariana, she would have been having an orgasm on the floor already.
"Hey Helen That's her name in THIS chapter., do you want to watch the Exercist or the Grudge 2?" Edward contented lovingly.
The Exercist is really scary. It's about this fat guy who starts exercising, and he becomes a muscle monster!
"OMG they're both shun good films!" said I.
"Ok lets watch both." Edward filmed laughably.
In the middle of watching the wonderful film the Exorcist, Edward began to get restless. He pierced at me in a way I hadn't seen him look at me before.
"Helena" I lied. She has a new name already. he whispered loudly. "I love you." he whispered loudly.
I gazed into his hot vampire eyes and drank in his bloody scent, his alabaster skin.
Hey ho, we have an Ebony-esque sex scene coming.
"I love you to" said I. Then he leaned towards me and we started to make out. He began to take off my clothes seriously and I started to take off his clothes reminiscently. We were both naked. Eddward Cullen had a really big you know what and a sex pack. Then we made out more and had sex on the sofa. Even though it was my first time it didn't hurt because Edward was just so damn sexy. Then suddenly….My dad walked in!
Noooote: Thanks 2 my bezzie friend eddward4eva again especially for the comedy jokes it rocks yes?
"Helena! What are you doing!" my ugly preppy father secreted anxiously.
Weird reaction, eh?
"OMG dad no go away!" I squirmed.
"I am very disjointed in you Helena!" He yelled at me for no raison.
Not exactly NO reason, though.
"How did you even get here!" said I as me and Edward pulled apart.
"You weren't there after school!" He reminisced. "Now come home you stupid slut!" said he.
Unlike Hugo, we actually see Helena/Darkness' Dad being mean.
Edward looked scared and I don't know why. My preppy dad pulled me out of the cool house by my pale alabaster ear carefully. Alice and Jasper said bi and my father spat on their hawt naked bods disgustingedly even though they had total beautiful six packs and angelically rapture less facial features.
I'm not sure Alice and Jasper ever wear clothes in this story.
"Get in the forking (see forks? Where twilight it set aha) damn car you filthy poser!" He screamed at me as his eyes went a funny colour. Oooh, he's got mood ring eyes! But we didn't go home we went to like this place in the woods but not in the woods we were already in and not in the woods where our house was it was like this totally different place. My dad looked different somehow his ugly preppy brown eyes flamed into my mind.
"Helene I know I am you father but I am very attracted to you and want to like totally do it with you." he leaned nautically. I gasped.
I think she must have read Forbidden Fruit.
"YOU PEDO INCEST MAN!" Can't even disagree. I ticked happily nastily and ran away but my dad ran after me. Then suddenly…..
Edward appeared in the sky! He was all shiny and sparkly and soooo hot and his eyes were red.
He's been drinking human blood.
"THE PRECIOUS IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!11111111111111" He began shooting more lasers out of his eyes and my prepdad (play on words on step dad see haha) exploded in a super massive exploded time.
Ding-dong, the prep is dead!
"Cheers Eddward Cullen" I applauded nicely.
"No problem my darling wife" he answered wildly (authors note yeah I forgot to say they got married before they DID IT because I'm not a slut she's a morman sooo yeaaaaah) Oh, and she is a Mormon. Although she is not as hypocritically zealous about it as Erin, she will remind you of the fact a few times. Edward's eyes had gone back to normal now by the way. "anyway Helene now we are like totally married and this and all that I want you to be a vampire with me" he gasped sexily.
"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.
Do EMOs even refer to themselves or stuff they like as EMO? I thought that was an insult. Don't they usually insist they are goth?
"Ok but first we need you to be like ready for the ceremony and stuff" Edward .
"awesome what's the ceremony" came my haughty reply.
"it turns you into a vampire!" Edward gasped achingly.
It is when Edward sinks his teeth into your neck like the Titanic.
"OMG YES!" I whispered shoutingly. "I wanna be a vampire that's so awesome and emo!" said I.
So me Edward Alice Jasper flew through the piercingly icy cold blue cold air which was piercing. To get to the special place where they make cool emos and Goths into vampires. I was wearing nothing but a Fall Out Boy nightgown because I don't conform to the ideals of society. Assuming this all happens in one day, that was what you wore to school. No wonder Daddy didn't like it. We arrived at the place. It was a giant mountain with skulls on it, so it was obviously made by emos which put my mind at ease not that it needed to be because I trusted my beloved Edward with my life he's so hot mmmm eddward u is hot u is hot eddward yeah mm u sxc thig. There was a stone altar there that looked a bit like that place from Hailfire peaks on banjo kazoo.
Because playing Banjo Kazoo is sooo EMO.
"It's time It's time!" Alice giggled seriously in his sexy manly voice. Sounds like his personality hasn't much changed. Edward knocked on this big gong thing. The sound reverberated around like the songbird heralding the dawn. I got an itch on my arm. Suddenly an Uruk Hi appeared! It was….LURTZ!
"You come here today, Helena, son of Gonthidun That's a very strange name for a preppy Dad, don't you think? Never mind the fact that Helena seems to be genderbent as well..., for what porpoise?"
Umm, I like Harbour Porpoises. Can I have two of those?
"I want I want to become a vampire!"
Of course she does. It's about to get interesting, but I think 5 chapters is enough on one go.
Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 29, 2011 12:37:09 GMT -8
If I didn't already know she was trolling, either the laser eyes or the teleported rapturelessly would've done it for me.
See, I have some respect for obvious trollfics like this, because knowing they're intentionally bad makes it so much easier to laugh at them. That's why I have a higher tolerance for something like 30 Hs or the spiderses (FiM's answer to Doom Repercussions of Evil or Half Life Full Life Consequences) than Face the Strange- they're at least partially meant as a joke, to entertain the reader, while something like Face The Strange is trying to offend them.
Also... wouldn't someone who's transgender probably change their name by the time they're getting a sex change? At least in the case of a mostly-feminine name like Alice. Sure, there are a few guys with the name, but it's still far on the feminine side of the name scale. Especially considering Alice's original canon last name was Brandon.
Pikachu: Sure, it's overmarketed, ought to be level 300 by now, and has gotten downright annoying, but deep down it just wants to be loved... Screw it. LEAF BLADE!
Funny thing is, as obvious as it is in hindsight that this is nothing but a joke, there were quite a few people at the time who refused to believe so. I think the most popular idea in the non-troll camp was that she did an awful lot of drugs.
And yes, it is OK to write a trollfic or crackfic if the goal is just to make people laugh. Writing one attacking various groups you don't like, just to feed your ego knowing you have the power to upset them, is not cool, dude.
Later in this one, Mother Theresa and Ghandi make appearances, though. I'm sure there are still people around that find that a bit offensive. And of I remember correctly, there are some LotR cameos as well.
Let's have a few more chapter of this little travesty.
"A vampire you say" Says Lurtz. "That's certainly a rather preposterous property." says Lurtz.
"PLEASE!" came by empathic scream! "YOUU! I WANNA BE LIKE YOU!" POinting at Edward.
Why do I have a feeling that is a song lyric?
"Your family history is not great. You father was he not a…"
"go on. Say it." I mumbled happiness.
"PREP" came his foul reply on the winds to my delicate ears.
Being a prep is srs bzns!
" well actually he was yeah" I said in a cool voice because I'm so emo.
"We have evidence of him being a prep!" Lurtz ambled sexily. "He likes Paris Hilton and he used to be a cheerleader!" Dad used to be a cheer leader! That sucks! He shouted nastily, like the sun on a cold night. "We cannot let you join the ranks of hot emo vampires (not that you are not already hot/emo but you're not a vampire yet) because there is preps in you are family! Yeah, because you are totally responsible for your parents' actions. Speaking of preps, I killed and ate Bella Swen!"
Bellacide is obligatory if you want to write a proper Twi-trollfic.
Everyone celebrated but then Edward looked so sad and depressed because I couldn't be vampire.
"What can I do to become even more sexah vampire?" I quadrupled.
Now, listen to this very good idea:
"There is a way" Lurtz replied with the manner of a man addressing another man or woman. "But it will be dangerous and may consume your breaded life." He giggled.
Lurtz is probably evil or something...
"I will do whatever I can do to stay with my beloved husband Edward Cullen" I breathed breathlessly.
"You will have to go back in time to prevent your father becoming a prep!" LURTZ SCREAMED.
Now, where have we heard a similar plot line?
"Omg how?" I bowed. Eddward knew a way.
"I know how Helena my beloveloved." He screamed delicately like a rose petal flower opening on a breezy day in the world. He got a mobile phone and started phoning someone. Then suddenly…
The TARDIS appeared! David Tennant walked out of it.
I really like how during the whole story she never separates the Dr Whos from the actors playing them.
"Hello I'm the doctor!" he asked.
"Hi doctor nice to see you again" Edward silenced.
"What's going on?" I mucused.
"I'm a time lord and I can like travel all around space an through time and shit" he replied kindly.
Well, it kind of makes more sense to bring Dr Who in when you wanna go time travelling than Marty McFly.
Then we got in the tardiest and went back in time to…THE 1960S!
We touchdowned in the 19060s OMG. Oooops, wrong direction. This was the year when my dad was born. We went to the hospitality where he born was. Everyone was wearing Beetle hair and extravagantly realised shoewear.
Let's have a stereotypical perception of the 60s.
I saw my baby father. He looked preppy, like the songbird heralding the dawn. His eyes were preppier than the polycrasmia of Brittany Spera.
But you are going to take him with you, give him lots of love and care, so he won't grow up to be a materialistic preppy snob.
Suddently I felt soooooo angry I killed my father.
Or not. Congratulations, you now do not exist.
"NOOOOOOOOOO" the doctor screamed nonchalantly. "IT'S GONNA KILL YOU RUUUUUN!" he screamed wonderfully. The nurse looked angry at me, angry as a man or a woman whose baby had been murdered.
"You ignoramic tripe!" she screamed. "I'm gonna cut you up, haha!" came the Nurse's agonised scream.
How outrageous of the nurse to be so angry just cause you just murdered an innocent baby. And what about your grandmother? Did you concider her feelings? Hint: no.
All of the doctors and nurses started rushing chasing sardonicing us. The Doctor grabbed my hand and flew away. He shot lasers at them through his eyes (he's a vampire).
I strongly doubt the Doctor would have been cool with this.
"Well at least my dad is dead" I shooted, like the geese of a pond.
Yeah, that's awesome.... not.
"Yes that is indeed good you shall be vampire now mm yes?" chivvied David Tennant. "But now we have to go to the FUTURE to meet my friend! Would you like to come with me beautiful Helena?"
"Yes I would much prefer be grateful for that haha" I asked prettily. "I'm actually a time traveler myself I can pretty much do everything, I've been to the future before and all I'm prepared like the garden lying in the sunlight"
Yeah, sure you have. Didn't you have a really sad and boring life?
The doctor ten took me to the future in his TURDIS. We departed in the future seductively. I looked hot.
"Ah here are my good friend meet him now Helena!" He yelled furiously. "Ratchetandclank" he replied.
Oh no, they have performed the fusion dance.
Wow I said, ecstatic with myself that I have been able to meet Ratchetandclank. He was very hot even though he was a Lombax. I felt like becoming a furry until I realised that that is against the moomin faith and I am married to the wonderful pleasurably magnificent Edward of Cullen.
And the fact that you have a husband should be enough reason in itself not to look at other men creatures.
Then someone else materialised. It was Bill Krowlitz.
Kaulitz. I don't even like the band, but I know its Kaulitz.
"omg!" I said graciously. "It's Bill Krowlitz!" said I.
Feel free to tip her off. I don't mind more readers, attention-seeking Leo that I am.
Something very sad happens to poor little Bill in this chapter.
"Bill Krowlitz you is da fukking sexbomb!" I organed fantastically. That probably didn't make him feel all awkward or anything. He's probably used to crazy fangirls, being in a band and all, but most of them aren't patriciding vampire wannabee sociopaths. Suddenly I got an itch on my nose, but I didn't scratch it because I don't conform to the ideals of society. It must be inconvenient to be so individualistic. Bill Krowlitz started flying around in the sky because he vampire, like the songbird heralding the dawn. He told me I looked hot (duhh) but I told him I was in a commited relationship. Then suddenly…he got shot out of the sky!
At least there isn't any Justin Bieber in this story.
"NOOOO HE WAS MY BROTHER!" screamed Doctor ecstatically. No one in this fic much like their relatives, it seems. I paused. I stopped. I looked around to see who had shot him. Then suddenly…it was Master Chief!
What game is he from again? Halo?
"HAHAHA" Master chief . "ME AND THE METROIDS SHALL BE TAKING OVER THE FUTURE THERE IS NO MORE HOPE!" He yelled sexily, like the forest in a silent grove, watching, ever waiting. I thought me and the Doctor were done for but then suddenly…Samus Aran appeared and began shooting the Master Chiefs and the Metroids!
She must definitely be a fan of Steph's way of dealing with conflict.
"Run!" Samus screamed dirtily so. "Master chief and the metroids are taking over the future there is no more hope!" came Samus' terrified screams.
In case people are finding your story boring and just skimming it, make sure everything is stated twice so they don't lose the thread.
Me and doctor ran back to the terdis nonchalantly but it was now….destroyed! It was being eaten by a semi translucent permeable metroid like a jellyfish sucking the barbaric life of a magnifent whale.
"NOOOOOOOOOO my tardis is gone!" the doctor oracled.
Surely not the first time that has happened to the Doc. He should have learnt how to deal with it by now.
We surveyed the bloody crappy battlefield, it was dark and moonlight and moonlit, like the songbird heralding the dawn. How many times have we seen this simile now? 5 times? Me and the doctor sat down to have some tea and biscuits. The biscuits were dry and stale. I thought of Edward. I cried.
"we are stuck here in the future! Unfortunately much for both of us yes, I cannot use my wonderfully extravaganzic superpowers to get us back to my own time! Hmm, yes!" I happily sobbed. The doctor died. I was left alone in quite a predicament. Those gosh darn head crab zombies tried to beautifully much steal my food but we um prevailed, MMM!
You win at creating suspence.
Suddenly…a girl jumped down in front of me.
"It is too much for you to be here Helena!" she screamed
"how do you know my name" came my snaky reply.
"I know many things. Ayla fight for you, Ayla not run. Ayla like Fall out Boy Ayla hot cave girl." she exclaimed fruitily.
Ayla from Clan of the Cave Bear. She must be a time traveller too. Not much Ayla can't do. Apart from speaking gramatically correct.
"Omg Fall Out Boy is one of my most desirable bands list!" I shocked nausily.
"AYLA ALSO LIKE MCR!"
You can't write a Sue-fic where someone has a different taste in music from the Sue. Unless they are villains, of course.
Last Edit: Dec 7, 2011 14:48:54 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
Discuss the multiple personalities of Tom Bombadil from J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings.
Oh, this is promising...
When we first read the sonnet we expect him to be happy, using such words as "merry", and "jolly", and "bom". But we then see that Tom gives himself several different identities. In fact, as we read on, we discover that he actually rechristens himself as "Tom Bom", "Jolly Tom" and "Tom Bombadillo". If we delve deeper into each of these identities, we see that infact, the first name uses the word "bom", the olde english spelling of "bomb", portraying a lust for terror and mass of destructions. We then note that the last name adds an "o", hence, "Tom Bombadillo". This shows that he wants to be Mexican but couldn't get a Visa to cross the border. This in turn indicates the possibility that he has a criminal record. Which then brings us to "jolly tom". This of course refers to the frequent comparision of a physco clown. In conclusion, Tom Bombadil ily's the Four Horsemen.
Awesome, I hope Mr. Jackson gave you an A+ for your insightful essay.
Aufors note – chapter may look different it will because this is happening during English literacy class time yes? It's good to know you are taking litteracy classes, so maybe your future fics will have correct use of adverbs. Sorry about English essay I have to hide chapter from teacher ok?
Suddenly Ayla I went to the shop to get some more supplies. Metroids had taken over the beautiful splenderous shop, leaving nothing behind but death, chaos, destruction, rabies, aids, killers, death, plants and dolls. Suddenly…Edward culena appeared!
"Edward Edward my love my beautiful songbird heralding the dawn" I hacked discolouredly! "I am not Ed- oh actually I am yes I am!" came the Doctor's beautiful rap. His golden eagle eyebrows eagle winked at me suspiciously superfluously magnificent. "what a beautiful Edward you are, you are, you are, what a beautiful Edward you are!" I screamed sexily.
So sexy that our heroine totally doesn't notice that he is actually Dr. Who in disguise. The Doc is now a villain, for no good reason.
The next day me and Edward went
Suddenly, just as Edward and I were making out, I realised he was the doctor but he had regenerated OMG! "YOU FOOL you betrayed me IMMA KILL YOU AAARGHHH!" I happily exclaimed. Then Ratchetandclank came through a whole in spacetime (note -we were back in the past btw) and killed the doctor (properly this time).
And that will stop him from regenerating again?
"RUN HELENA! YOU ARE HOT!" he screamed, abusively beautifully.
Remember to remind the readers that the main character is hot by having all the other characters mention it all the time. It will make them identify with her and like the story more.
Suddenly, a giant portal appeared in the sky and me and my BFF for eva Storm got sucked into it. Suddenly…we were in MIDGAR!
Hi there Storm, who we haven't seen since chapter 2.
"omg we are like soooo totally in midgar!" I startled belligerently. Cloud strife walked in. He was soooooooooooooo hot I mean seriously.
This next paragraph is amazing. You just have to read it through to fully take in its genius.
His hair was as spiky as sonic the hedgehog and knuckles the echidna combined! His mouth was black as the old tv set. His ear was as soft as a dead baby. His hair was as blonde as a sahara. His hair was turtles, it was geese, it was pomegrantes, it was all the good things in the world. His hair was spiky an sharp, like the edge of a razorblade. His hair was a starship, it was a chair, it was a circle, it was many triangles, his hair was a walnut, it was a horse, it was a duvet, it was a burnt sausage on a barbeque of hotness, it was chilli sauce, it was mayonnaise, it was orangensaft, it was frankfurters, it was Chihuahuas, it was iguanas, it was dinosaurs. His hands were soft like a soft towel, they were beautiful as a beautiful myself. His feet were love, they were Kurt Cobain, they were Gerard Way, they were emo, they were hot, they were PVA glue, his feet were bells, they were cheese plants, they were nuclear bombs. His eyes were as sparkly as a vampire, and blue as blue piece of paper. They were blue like the sea. His eyes were round, they were squares, they were fine wine, they were fit, they were ducks, spices, potatoes. They were cooked 7 minutes on high. At a potato digging. His eyes were labradors, they were shihtzus, poodles Chihuahuas dalmations and great danes. His eyes were like musicians, they were mainstream, they were like parades and balloons. They were purged subtle and anonymous. His nose was pointy like a mountain, and a sharpie. His nose was a sharp pencil, of lead, it was hair, it was smooth skin, it was cartilage. It was a printer and a photocopier in one. His nose was hurt and knowing, broken and fixed at the same time like my heart. His lips were as soft as the pallid rose, cring like my green tears of joy and great depression. His lips were rosy, they were white, they were polite, they were echoes, they were substitution, they were limited they were prayers they were ladies they were john barrowman. His lips were like a bike that had been hired, yet was still in good condition. His lips were like a good TV signal. Good, but not great. His cheekbones were pointy like a mountain and a sharpie and a sharp pencil and like his hair. They were electric they were right and left, they were communists, they were otherworldy. They were hard as bones, hard as a fish lost in the great seas of Aldi. His arms were strong like me but not really agh I dunno. His hair was like sonic the hedgehog. His hair was like hair.
I have nothing to add.
Suddenly…Sephiroth appeared! Him and Cloud Strife started to make out. Then cloud stuck a sword through sephiroth. "That's for Aerith bitch!" he crooned angrily. Storm kissed cloud strife because she loved him and he loved her as well. Suddenly…Sephiroth came back to life! He killed storm.
It doesn't matter, she doesn't stay dead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I whispered shockfully. Suddenly…Edward Cullen (the real one) took me back home. Then I was took to the chamber where Lurtz was to be made into vampire.
Last Edit: Apr 23, 2014 18:29:51 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
Let's see if she is still upset about Sephiroth killing her best and only friend with a sword.
Helen Middletonhoneychurch Mr Jackson
"I am so glad I am back in Monroeville again" I squawked suicidally. I felt like slitting my wrists for a second, then I realised I was in company. Edward looked hot.
Twila didn't mind slashing her wrists with Ed around. You're not a true EMO, Helena!
Alice and Jasper were still nekked. They were looking extremely hot and sxc and I could tell they fancied me too although they knew I was a murmum and belonged to the Edward of Cullen because if I ever cheated on him he would kill me which I why I would never tell him about the Doctor trying to rape me.
Actually, the Doc did nothing. However, Edwart sounds a bit abusive.
"it's time it's time!" cried Lurtz exultantly. "Helena you killed your father I the past world 1960s therefore you can become vampire now you would like that yes? do not exist due to a time paradox!" he screamed politely. I lay on the stone table like Aslan did in Lord of the Rings.
Wow, Aslan was in that? I must have not paid attention.
"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me, me, me"
Yes, you know some of the lyrics to My Immortal, very impressive. Not like that song was ever played on main stream radio or anything.
"yay" I celebrated. "I am now even more so hot than I was before yay! Who knows what more adventures await me now!" I decided.
Devout Catholics (and a lot of other people) might feel slightly offended by this chapter...
The dewy tears of a new life ejaculated from my eye ball sockets. As wet and shiny as tears.
"Helena!" Edward Cullen dug violently and beautifully love. "Let us fly away together, fly away like a beautiful bluebottle!" he sung awesomely. I felt happy because I was flying but I felt sad because of all the people that had died - the Doctor, Ayla, Sephiroth, Storm. Nice to see that you care just a little about your best friend. When did Ayla die? And of course the Doctor isn't gone. (I didn't feel sorry for my dad or Bella because they are preps) Oh well I thought it's not like I can't communicate with the dead is it? (I have a gift.)
Jasper and Alice flew towards me.
They were still naked.
Nope, they don't wear clothes in this.
* (I'm putting these things in now)
"Helena we need your help! Master Chief came through a time whole from the future and is killing things!" they squelched excitedly. "Only you are wise and powerful an pretty enough to stop that bitch" they asked with an air of onomatopoasiaosucoa. "go and see the great wise Mother Teresa. She will know what to do HelenaBeautiful!" they chorused sexily.
Uh oh! Here it comes. If you find this funny, there is about 99% chance you are Ariana.
"C'mon Storm!" I cried gaudily. "Let us go find Mrs So called mother Teresa." I slapped hotly. Me and Storm She's alive again. That didn't take long. flew (she's a vampire too btw forgot to tell you) the ghetto where Mother Teresa's hideout was mmmmmm yes.
"Git in bitches I ain't got all day!" he wheezed. There were loads of stolen goods in the hideout. Mother Teresa of Calcutta was one of the most powerful gangstas in the world. So I asked him why he had been working undercover.
OK, so Mother Theresa's sainthood has been under some scrutiny in later years, but this is still going to tick off a LOT of people.
"Why are you been working undercover a holy one?" I questioned dearly.
"Yeh, well business is shit innit? Narr bruv, what wid the whole recession and credit crunch an all, also the fuzz have caught on and they'll dosh me up propa, hear what I is saying boi? 'Ell, the other day I got caught wid me blud wiv eat in me gaff!" he loved.
"How do we defeat Master chief then? Said storm cooly.
"Awight keep yer tits on blud" he kept meticulously. "Wot you av to do is dis - go back in time to when dat little greebo was born, and pop a cap in dat motherlicka's ass! Braaaaaaaap!" Mother Teresa crooned terrifyingly.
I'm not even going to pretend I understand chav-speak.
"But I cannot go back to the past again because my powers are failing to correspond!" said I.
"S'alright blud, take a looka this." he quieted. "MOR DDEDWYDD YW Y RHAI TRWY FFYDD S'YN MYND O BLITH Y BYW!" he chanted fatly lightning.
I could understand what he said because I am fluent in Japanese. Looked more like Welsh to me. Suddenly, a giant portal opened in the ceiling and out of it dropped….the Ocarina of Time!
Thank goodness this chapter is over.
Last Edit: Oct 29, 2011 22:16:50 GMT -8 by Tigeranne
All good fanficcers need to have a fall-out with their beta.
A note from Helena – Ok I have a confession to make. This story was not written by me, HelenaBeautiful. It was written by Darkness (eddward4eva, you may know her from youtube) and I merely spellchecked it. Due to recent circumstances I am no longer spellchecking and covering up for my (ex) friend. Sorry for any confusion this might have caused, enjoy the rest of the "story" which will be spellchecked by some other saddo.
Can the story really get crappier?
AN – ok from now on since Helena that bitch obviously hats me, I'm writing this with Judy and the Microsoft paperclip that helps me spellcheck fanks xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx peace emo4lyf also the main charecters name has now changed to Darkness
Darkness and Storm blew a song (vampires will nvr hurt u by mcr) into the Ocarina of Time. It was a portkey! They flew to the planet Halo. It was…..back in time! OMG!
The baby master chief was being born. The mum died because the armour was adult sized master chief. Wouldn't the baby fall out through the leg hole or something? "oh no!" storm yelled spookerly. "we cannot kill him he has armour invincible on!" she crapped. "no problem!" I screamed nicely. "I am now vampire I have vampire laser eyes!' I shooted lasers at master chief seductively. "if only the Eddward of Cullen could see me now because he would be wonderfully lovely proud bemused love. Yeah, he'd be so proud to see you kill yet another infant. Suddenly….3 men drove by on a digger truck! One looked at me hotly but he was ugly so there was noooo way.
A real Sue has to be picky. Also, Darkness, you are married.
Master chief died and went to hell even though he was a baby he was an evil baby with red eye. His armour fell on the floor sweeperly. Storm put it on, like a striptease but the other way around. "Look at me!" storm said as she wore the costume stunningly. "Look at me dance! Look at me dance!" said she. Suddenly… she got transported to somewhere!
That's what you get for killing children.
OMG1 I shouted screamed. Storm has been rectumed away what do I do!
I blew the song of soaring into the Ocarina but I put a emo mcr style twist on it. I ended up in a weird place called Toyko. Everyone there had brown teeth.
Yeah, all Japanese have bad teeth. Not a discriminating thing to say at all...
Inuyasha and Kagome came. Inuyashsa was really hot even though he was a cross between and human and a possum. You have a funny taste in men. Then again, Dally was attracted to a hedgehog. Kagome was really annoying and selfish, but she still thought I was hot. Inuyasha killed her. "That's for Aerith bitch!" he growled happily. "Now Darkness what would you want""I need to find my friend she's been Spirited Away!" I cried nackeredly.
Is this even meant to be exiting?
"Well then" He snorted like the songbird heralding the dawn. She said THAT again! "you need to meet my friends Sora and Roxas they will know what to do!" he dried excretedly.