Winds Of The East

[Deleted]

First I'll post the stats of my main character and the whole backstory to the novel will be written in there.

My character is from an original novel I'm planning on writing called: The Winds Of The East.


Character Name: Shai-Lang Wei

Character's Looks: She is a 16 year old girl with dark black hair(or red, I haven't decided yet) that is tied back in a ponytail with a red ribbon. she prefers this style since this way her hair doesn’t get in her eyes and she can fight better this way as she has never been particularly feminine, preferring fighting to learning how to do household tasks most girls her age are doing. She has a very innocent and naive look about her, even though she is almost sixteen. She wears a sleek fiery red Qipao, the traditional dress of her people and around her neck is a triangular shaped blue crystal, a crystal that she has had since her birth which holds the key to the secrets of herself and her people, yet she doesn’t know this yet of course, she has always wanted to know why she has had this crystal though, and what exactly it is, it has become something like a good luck charm to her now though, the sparkling sapphire always mesmerizing her whenever she looks deep within its core

Height/weight: She is 5'3 and weighs 160lbs

Personality: She is never without a smile adorning her face, her cheerfulness is contagious to everyone she meets. She is curious, spunky, strong-willed and energetic, yet she can be quite stubborn, obstinate and close-minded. Her stubborness is both a bad trait and a good trait, on the one hand while it is very difficult to make Shai-Lang give up, it also gets her into extremely messy situations, situations where her companions would have to pull her out of. She is highly impulsive with a very short temper and this causes her to charge head-first into situations without analyzing the situation first, thereby seriously endangering herself and her loved ones. She is also very naive about the outside world and thinks only her ways are the right ways, it'll take quite a lot of exposure to other's points of view until she sees that her views are actually quite bigoted. She is quite a racist in the beginning to anyone who is not Asian and is white. Another thing about Shai-Lang is that she has an extreme guilt issue and will tend to dwell on past events even if they weren't her fault. Also when confronted with the darkness of the world, she tends to break down easily due to her extreme childish and naive view on the world.

Quirks: Shai-Lang is the biggest eater you will ever meet. She is known as the "glutton" of Khazaria and can out-eat anyone at an eating contest. You put food in front of her, and it'll be guranteed that she'll messily gobble it up. Her favorite food are rice dumplings.

-Likes: Rice Dumplings, food in general, her friends, her grandparents, her pet wolf, animals in general, marital arts, a good battle, her religion and her people.

-Dislikes: Whites, Jews, Christians, Muslims, People trying to convert her and her people, Wimps, Tuna, people telling her that she's fat, sneaky and manipulative people, having to wait, people talking down to her and treating her like a kid, snobs.

Fighting style/ Weapon of choice: A wooden Katana that her grandparents got for her from the island next to China, Bows and Arrows, (The traditional fighting item of the Khazars) and her fists.

Backstory: The girl’s name is Shai-Lang Wei and she belongs to a very ancient people, known the Khazars. The Khazars are a nomadic wandering people that originated from Northern China, also known as Inner Mongolia. Yes, her people have a rich history indeed, they have developed into one of the most advanced civilizations of her time, however they were forced out of their homeland by the Mongol hordes and moved all across Russia, when finally settling down in Central Russia where they formed the Khazaria Kingdom, the greatest trading kingdom of the early Middle Ages. However, her people have suffered as they have been oppressed by the Westerners for being different and not believing in any of the monotheistic faiths. They have been forced to convert to one of the three big monotheistic religions if they wish to continue having a prosperous trading economy with Europe and the Middle East. Their traditional belief in the spirits of the Earth and in Buddism will not cut it. And so, the Emperor of Khazaria, Emperor Bu-lan chooses Judaism out of the big three, and the people of the kingdom are all forced to convert to Judaism, including Shai-Lang’s family. Shai-Lang does not relent however, as she is the head priestess of the Shrine that has been in her family’s line for generations, and even though her family has been brainwashed by the evil missionaries of the west, Shai-Lang is a strong girl and keeps her original faith intact.

When the Kingdom of Khazaria falls to the native Russians, the Khazar people are forced into Eastern Europe and get confined into ghettos, facing discrimination and prejudice from the white Europeans who view them as “dirty foreigners.” Shai-Lang and her family settle in Hungary, where they have to endure discrimination and poverty day after day..... Shai-Lang can’t help but wish back for those days when she was a little girl in China. How she played in the vast tall mountains and frolicked in the wild plains while chasing adorable baby pandas.

She also remembers her beloved grandparents who are still back home in China, they were always doting on her and training her in the ways of Martial Arts, they even got her a long wooden sword from the island across, the sword is known as a Katana and to this day Shai-Lang treasures her sword with all her life and is never seen without it. And so, with the sweet memories of her homeland and grandparents beckoning her, Shai-Lang sets out on a journey throughout Europe and the world in order to get back to China. During this journey, she will encounter many friends and foes, battle evil monsters, encounter bigotry and hatred, experience love, and battle the institutionalized religions of the west which threaten to destroy her people and culture.

She will learn many lessons along the way and will grow out of her simple naive thinking and discover that the world isn’t so black and white like she thought, that there are shades of gray in everything and nothing is ever what it seems. She will also discover a dark and magical secret about herself and her people, which to that blue pendant she wears around her neck. And it’ll be up to her inner strength to face this mysterious secret. And so, with nothing but her trusy katana sword sheathed in her bright red Qipao, her pet wolf, and the mysterious blue crystal pendant around her neck which holds the many secrets and mysteries of her people, Shai-Lang sets out for the adventure of a lifetime, the adventure that will change her from a young innocent girl to a strong and independent young woman. This is the coming of age story of a young girl in the Dark Ages, This is Sha-Lang....

Equipment: The Katana that she always carries with her and a Bow and arrows. At times she also dons her priestess outfit which is red pants with a loose white blouse. This outfit has spiritual powers and can lessen the damage taken against attacks.

Abilities: She is quite skilled in martial arts, however this is not unusual since girls in the Khazaria empire were trained in the ways of the warrior and grew up being just as battle savvy as the men. She still has a lot to learn however, as she will continue to grow in her martial arts skills as she goes about her journey, learning new techniques along the way and basically "leveling up" like a typical Shonen or JRPG protagonist. She will also later on gain the ability to use Fire Magic, and her blue pendant also has a secret power which shields her whenever her life is in grave danger. (This shall be explained later on in my story.)

Personal Quote: "Like Grams and Gramps always say: Never give up when the going gets tough, just keep on treadin!"
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Well that's about it, what do you think of it? Do you think it's original enough? Basically the whole story will be about three girls and their travels around the world during the Medieval Ages. At the end of the Journey they'll learn many lessons and also discover the truth about a Mysterious Ancient Civilization. Though this will be Historical Fiction it will also be Fantasy due to there being monsters and magic. It might also have some Sci-Fi elements as I'm maybe thinking of having the Khazars originally come from Outer Space... I don't know tell me what you think of the story idea and my main character. Hopefully it's better than Twilight, lol.

[Lady Phoenix]

Ok, from the looks of her name, this sounds like someone of Chinese descent?

Chinese people tend to have dark colored hair -- black or dark brown.

So she weighs 160 pounds, making her more on the heavier side. That is nice -- especially since you mention that she does eat a lot.

It seems she has a hatred of Jews, after being forced to convert into one. I wonder if there could be a possible scenario about her relating to the fact Jews, themselves, are treated horribly (depending on the timeline).

The pet wolf thing seems a bit head scratching -- especially considering that she is forced to live in Hungary, who probably don't take kindly to wolves. Maybe a dog would be less conspicuous .. . especially one of a Hungarian breed to continue this whole "Learning world cultures" thing.

The crystal thing just seems . . . meh. Just generic. Given to her at birth, has untapped powers, might save her people . . . that's been done to death.

You compare this to a shounen story, which kinda off puts me a bit. So she's going to grow more and more powers and ditch her old ones? Eh. I think you should keep her normal with only slight spiritual abilities.

Also, the katana thing is another overused thing -- especially since she lives in Hungary, which is REALLY off putting. I don't think they'll let anyone -- especially a girl -- carry a strange-looking sword. Just let her keep the bow and arrow and the martial arts. Ditch the sword.

[JW%]

Okay, I was meaning to get around to this awhile ago...

Okay... first point... red hair is not particularly fitting of her ethnicity, which you make to be a very strong part of the character. I'd suggest going with black, or a dark brown that reflects reddish, but isn't the stereotype for "red hair". From her manner of dress she's a Mandarin? That doesn't quite add up with the rest...

Personality wise, she sounds like a rather unpleasant and grating character. She's stubborn, bigoted, self-centered, simple-minded, rude, hypocritical, short tempered, uncouth and childish. Which in itself could still be an interesting story of growth. However, the always smiling and contagiously happy disturbs me as a reader. The key here being 'contagiously'. It would take a very clever writer to pull off all those traits WELL. And even if you do pull it off well, you're going to score incredibly high on every Mary Sue litmus test I can think of.

For fighting style, could you actually describe the "traditional fighting styles and weapons" of the Khazan? Rich history or not, they're woefully under used in modern times. Also, no "wooden katana" please. I'm not the best when it comes to the specifics here, so an actual sword expert could correct me, but I'm pretty sure that it'd be a bokken. Katana are pretty specifically made of steel. Bokken are specifically made of wood, and a tachi or daito bokken is a wooden sword in the size and shape of a katana. Alternately you could have a waster(a non-japanese wooden practice sword) in the size and shape of a jian, which is a much cooler weapon in my opinion than the katana(never cared for curved blades, sorry). I'd mention a Shinai here to be thorough, since that's what I primarily trained with, but I'm pretty sure that's not the kind of wooden sword you're looking for.

I also might be wrong, but the katana is a more modern weapon than the jian, with katana not being made until the advent of steel, while the jian(in it's various incarnations) went so far back as bronze age. I'm not exactly sure where you're placing this historically. No need to, as Phoenix suggests "ditch the sword"(it's already wooden, so it's not going to be THAT objectionable) but it does need some work to avoid being an Opart.

For that matter, I'm not sure how much of your work is historically accurate... particularly the idelic memories your girl has of China being a wonderful happy place... I'm not even certain she'd have lived in what we think of today as China, if she's a western khazan(which is more Turkey). Plus, you seem to paint Bulan in a rather unfavorable light, when everything I've read about him, he was doing the best he could, under the circumstances, adopting Judaism only after careful consideration(Christianity was at his throat on one side, and Muslims on the other), and it taking generations before his people fully converted(your use of the word "forced" while it could be technically correct, seems unfounded).

Also, I'm kinda caught on how she can be a nomadic wanderer AND have tended the shrine that has housed her family for generations. I realize the Khazan were nomadic, and did establish such things, but an individual doesn't have the luxury of being in two places at once like a civilization does.

Not to mention, and correct me if I'm wrong, but most of Khazan were not Buddist. they were Tengrinist, with strong Confucianist leanings.

But, I'm certainly no expert on these things. These questions were prompted by half remembered history of the silk road classes and a bit of wikipedia research which may be totally off. The point however is that you should probably do some historical research if you haven't already. This is a less well known area of history, so people may be easily confused about it.

Getting back to the grating personality, since you mention Shounen stylings, that's almost par for course, having a protagonist that is such purely because they're armored by the plot. The JRPG protagonists are even worse, being almost entirely(but usually not quite) ciphers that exist mostly as combat oriented stats the player manipulates. If that's what you're going for, I'm not going to object to it. Both can be enjoyable and well written. They just tend to encourage poor writing by putting emphasis on the action(or gameplay in the case of the JRPG) and special effects rather than the quality of writing. If you're going to try to pull off that kind of thing well, you're in for a probably unexpected challenge.

Let's see... oh yeah, the Blue Crystal Pendant... That worries me on three levels. The first and most minor Phoenix mentioned and I won't bring up again. The second is that it's not just a valuable object, but an OBVIOUSLY valuable object. You'd think that sort of thing, if she's living in the ghettos of hungary, is going to get stolen or traded for something more immediately useful. Finally, my third issue with it is that it "shields her"... that just sounds like it's begging to be abused. My suggestions would be to lower it's apparent value to something almost purely sentimental in value, and work very carefully with the "shields her" part so it doesn't ruin any potential drama or worse yet becomes a god mode.

On the whole, this shows exceptional promise and I look forward to seeing more of it. It's far from perfect however, and you may need to polish many things, and reassure me through your writing skill that you can handle some of the sticking points.