Post by Echo Five Seven on Dec 18, 2012 12:23:30 GMT -8
Yes, that's right. Back from the limbo of...doing...other...stuff. And talking like Shatner. And overextending jokes.
Anyway, I feel like rambling a bit. This fic and I have some history. Some of you might have been there when I managed to--like a dumbass--immortalize myself as someone on the "Not Nice List" and even appear in a revenge chapter. And let me tell you, it always feels odd to have someone recognize you from the fic instead of having talked to them prior.
But, so much time away probably means my old jokes are well...old. Not to mention I jumped in halfway through the fic, then looped back around to the beginning when I reached the (at the time) last chapter. I may post what I originally made later as some twisted archive since I still have the WordPad file, but for now I'm starting completely anew.
Now, I may leave some of my original commentary on these first few chapters in place, since they're the newest and looking over them they still somewhat fit. That and I was treating this like snarking the fic for the first time when I did them, so there you have it.
And thus, without further ado I present to you Brewdening Love, Halohead-ified.
The sex-ah may be fading. The fires may be stopping. The Pope may be back in the vaticat.
But the lulz will never die.
Beware! Aviation, Weapons and Video Game Fanatic Ahead!
Post by Echo Five Seven on Dec 18, 2012 12:28:05 GMT -8
You didn't think I'd come to the table without a chapter ready to go, did you?
Chapter One: Genesis [E57: Such a promising beginning, no?]
Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! [E57: You ARE Twilight? What is this I don't even] I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. [E57: That's Robert Pattinson. Edward's not real, lass.] So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc [E57: Oh, the ironing! Yes Erin, Bella is clearly the dirty bitch here. Not you, and not Joan. Oh wait, were they two different people?] so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think!! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! [E57: Oh ho ho. Yeah, we left you reviews. And pictures. And commentary. And even built new stories on what you created! Aren't you proud?] lov you God xoxoxoxo
I hud to put my storie up hear becose the meenies at FF.net deleated it [E57: I wonder why dA hasn't followed suit...or why FF.net hasn't deleted it a second time.] but I am glad the Jew and the Bird are gone and aint flaming me anymore [E57: HOW WRONG YOU WERE. TWO YEARS LATER, AND HALOHEAD'S BACK.]
I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk. [E57: Now, I want you people to imagine Edward sitting IN the desk. Like, computer model clipping through the desk. Got that in your mind? Good.] I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, [E57: -Looks between this sentence and Twilight World, where Edward is cast as God himself.- Right.] so fuc off sinars [E57: NO U. Oh, and the obligatory "No A/Ns during the story" complaint.]) becoz he looked so darmn hot, like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now. [E57: Well, aren't you just a superficial bitch? Also, get off Supernatural. Right now.]
I giglied when he lookd at mwah [E57: Oh, here we go with "mwah". An onomatopoeia for a kiss, instead used to refer to herself.] and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly. [E57: Seeming to snarlingly...what? WHERE'S YOUR VERB, ERIN? WHERE'STHEVERBS?[/Batman voice]] I flacked my long brown hare [PETA: ] [E57: I don't even like PETA and I wanted to use that joke..] hoppping to git his atention. However, as Edward read my mind, he rolled his eyes in disgust and ignored me. [E57: Erin seems to forget that Edward was only interested in Bella because he never met a mindmute before. Otherwise, she would've been like every other human to him.] I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. [E57: You know, the thing that does the thing with the thing and such?] I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. [E57: You know what a ton of makeup makes you look like? I'm thinking of one word, and it ain't "attractive" or any synonym of it.] and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway. [E57: Pretty sure it was a sin for her too, which made it all the more paradigm-shattering that Jesus made her one of his closest friends.]
Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood [E57: How? It'd be more rude if he stared at you. It's not like you two are in a conversation or anything.] and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, [E57: Don't do that again...oh screw it, I know you will. Where's my Gravity Hammer? Or my nugget?] but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave). [E57: So forgive people based on their looks? Wasn't there a sin linked to this somewhere? Oh yeah, Lust.]
I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true( [E57: Pride. Wow, two deadly sins in the first chapter! And you're supposed to be Christian?] and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING!! [E57: WAY TO RUIN THE PLOT DEVICE.] He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!) [E57: This doesn't make sense. If I haven't read the books, I would know something about a character from the books?]
He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice. [E57: -Imagines Edward brewing some coffee while speaking to Joan.- This keeps me sane, alright?]
"Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk? [E57: Forgot your quotation marks, but this is a perfectly logical response. Why are you on his desk?]
So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him. [E57: Wow, you bitch. You didn't even answer his question. I know she did, but show don't tell.]
He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. [E57: I am convinced that Joan is a drag queen, with this and other examples to support this.] He looks at me and turns away agin. It was clear that he didn't want anything to do with me. My life cannot go on! [E57: Admit it, you want her to have written this.]
So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! [E57: Oh, we have. We have.] so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3 [E57: Except for those of us who disagree with you, amirite?]
 For the confused here, "nugget" refers to the Mosin Nagant series of rifles, first adopted by Imperial Russia in 1891 and still in use in various places of the world today. The most common model, the 1891/30 or 91/30, is an updated version made in (surprise) 1930 and produced in extreme numbers, on the order of 17 million. It is bar none the least expensive World War II-era military surplus rifle you can find (at least in the United States), retailing at right around $100, and is actually quite robust and accurate for the price. Its ammunition is equally inexpensive, and can be found in sealed 440-round cans for around $80. "Nugget" comes from an Internet joke referring to "Mosin Nagant" (pronounced Moh-seen Nah-gahn) as "moist nugget". [/tl;dr]
And I do apologize to anyone who got blindsided by my wall of text.
Beware! Aviation, Weapons and Video Game Fanatic Ahead!
Post by Echo Five Seven on Dec 19, 2012 8:00:03 GMT -8
Lemme make sure I don't forget to post a chapter I had ready.
Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev [E57: Great. Way to ruin that one girl from Street Skater 2 (props to anyone who remembers that relic) who went by that name.]
Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF? [E57: Aww. Poor babby has no reviews.] AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch [E57: Phoenix - The Forerunner of the Not Nice People List] - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI. Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. [E57: God specifically said you cannot be flamed? And how ironic of you to say it's a bad thing to hate someone.] And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen. [E57: I wouldn't want to go to "Heathen" anyway.] So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE. [E57: Help I'm drowning in irony] Anyway Edward is much <3 [E57: Edward has a value of less than three? I'll take your word for it.] and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin [E57: Funny. Because the name Erin pops up several times in the story. But you know. Joan isn't Erin. Erin says it herself. "iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella"] :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen. [E57: The End. If only that held completely true.] I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. [E57: I know he's omnipotent and all, but doesn't God have better things to do than personally guide a teenager through a lusty phase? If anything, he'd use disappointment to teach her a lesson about all this.] I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. [E57: I remember a country song which talked about how some of God's greatest gifts were unanswered prayers...] But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug. [E57: What, are you going to shout prayers in the middle of class? Enjoy your detention. Although I feel sorry for the teacher who gives it to you, because they'll immediately become a sinnar.]
It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes). [E57: Sometimes? Sometimes? The framework of your lifestyle is good to read sometimes?] I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. [E57: -Sigh.-] I wounded who they were
I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, [E57: What, someone can't skip out on a lunch and not look anorexic?] I wanned to go and talk to him agen. I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian. [E57: What would you do if he was agnostic? Huh? Or a Buddhist? Or--OH TEH NOES--an ATHEIST? HUH?] So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care. [E57: Well, you're retarded as Bella. "Hey, he can kill me before I know what happened, but I don't care!"] “Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning.” I say and they all star at me. It was very unnerving, the way their eyes seemed to glint with murderous intent. I quickly stood up and backed away, afraid to turn my back to them. [E57: -Wistful sigh.- If only...]
They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes, [E57: Don't you just love shameless plugging of brand names?[/sarcasm mode]] the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either [E57: Wow, what a description.] except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans. I suddenly knew they were a familt [E57: How the devil do you get an epiphany like that? You don't even know any of them.] and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are [E57: Conjugation failure, but what else is new?]. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn’t agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) [E57: Fuck you. Fuck you in the ass with a rusty mace. I'm not even homosexual and I feel slighted by that. Is the extreme Christian community really like that, with their heads so far up their asses they can almost see again and thinking someone of the same gender is good-looking is considered homosexuality?] Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam [E57: <Insert mollusk joke here>] wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen [E57: Who?]. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet [E57: Seriously, who? Am I really that uncultured that I have no idea who she's talking about?]. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,3<3<3,#<#!) [E57: So...this Joel guy is even hotter than Eddiekins?]
“Why are you sitting here?” Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl. [E57: Uh...you really are as retarded as Bella. Growls are usually a sign of aggression. Aggression, Erin, aggression. As in "I will break your arm off and beat you with it, then fornicate you with it, then break off your other arm and repeat with the--eh, nevermind. You guys don't need the mental imagery. But you get the point.]
“Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload” [E57: I'm sorry, I thought you were a good little Christian girl, not a fucking college fratboy.] I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey. [E57: Normally, this would be where Eddiekins makes it especially clear that he doesn't want her around. But of course, her Mary Sue ways have to bend reality to suit her goals.]
"I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. [E57: You are quite lucky we are separated by computer screens, wires, and thousands of miles.] Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. [E57: If you weren't practically oozing stupidity out of every orifice, you'd be fucking creepy.] He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl [E57: You heard it here, guys. Scowling will disguise the smell when you crack one off.] and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp [E57: The sister--She will only be mentioned once more then forgotten. Probably forgotten until her second mention, too. What kind of buggered-up family do you live in that she would be driven to lie about her sexuality like that, anyway? Unless she had been corrupted by the Internets and was doing it for the lulz. And even then. A camp? Really?]
“C’mon, lets go.” He said to his family and they all left. [E57: -Phoenix Wright-style point.- REJECTION.] I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. [E57: Maybe he doesn't like you. Do you need it spelled out?] I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me. [E57: I doubt it's because of that because he doesn't fucking know you, but there is indeed something wrong with you.] It was time to go to biology so I leave [E57: I know high school lunches can be short, but damn.] and go there.
Edward was in Biology too. He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, [E57: For crap's sake Erin, take a hint and leave him alone.] i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking. [E57: Maybe he's just plotting how he'll kill you later. You seem to be annoying him. Given that he's a vampire sparkling überstatue, this is akin to poking a lion and asking to be friends.]
The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him. [E57: That's not creepy at all. Next you'll collect his hairs and skin peelings in a shrine and make offerings to the shrine with the neighbor's cat.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT?! betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum. [E57: A what?] I love Edward and the Krillians, [E57: That wasn't even close to "Cullens".] even Jacob and them. Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!!1111 [E57: I'm doing just that, my dear. Well, not in review form but the spirit is the same.] <3<3<3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Beware! Aviation, Weapons and Video Game Fanatic Ahead!