makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 24, 2012 19:39:49 GMT -8
Okay I wanted to make a thread about the legendary badfic, "The Girl Who Lived. This is without a doubt, the second worst thing I've ever read in my life (and yes it's worse than Twilight). Rose Potter is an absolute God Mode Sue, even worse than the likes of Alice from the Resident Evil movies. Here's a quick run down on most of her Sue traits: deleterius.livejournal.com/3119013.htmlIt USED to have multiple pages on TVTropes but they were sadly deleted because they deemed to the story to be too pornographic. I'm on chapter 9 of Philosopher's Stone right now, and I'll go through and list some of the WTF things that jumped out at me. - When she learned martial-arts from her Sensei (whom she mentions at least once a chapter), they found at that she had strength equivalent to three grown men, at age 11. No seriously. She actually broke Vernon's arm when he tried to take the letter from her.
- Speaking of the Dursleys, when she breaks Vernon's arm, she runs away to Mrs. Figgs' house who calls McGonagall. Both of them take Rose's side of course, and when they alter the memories of the Muggle police, they let the Dursleys keep the memory of this. She has been forever kicked out of the Dursley's house and McGonigall has adopted her.
- McGonagall steals Hagrid's spotlight in the chapter about Diagon Alley. At this point I'm starting to see what TVTropes meant about misandry. At the end of, Aunt Minnie (McGonagall) takes her to MF-ing Victoria's Secret, where she buys her sexy clothes, pyjamas and panties. Oh and it's V'sS just for witches, because one of the founders of the company was a witch.
- Snape is no longer a jerk. In fact, Rose perfectly answers every one of his questions, and at the end of the class, Snape actually is so impressed with her that he gives her extra potions lessons.
- Like Hermione, she already started studying before term started. By the time they started Wingardium Leviosa, she was able to levitate the desk (not the feather, the desk) non-verbally. This allows her to BAAWWWW about how she just wants to be normal. Later, she gets to steal Ron's spotlight and intentionally levitate the troll's club and intentionally knock it out.
- Her martial-arts made her so "disciplined" that the Sorting Hat had to ask her to remove her mental shield.
- In flying class, she saves Neville's life with a non-verbal spell even though in canon he only broke his wrist.
- Clearly, Keiran originally planned for it to be in 3rd person POV because sometimes it will say "she said/they said" instead of "I said/we said."
- She sleeps naked, which only Hermione complains about. Hermione is portrayed as being in the wrong for complaining about Rose's nudity, and "Minnie" tells her to pretend to be a druid so that she can say the nudism is part of her religion.
- "Minnie" says that she's a druidess.
- Okay just got done with "Rosey's" first Quidditch game. Afterwards, Angelina, Katie, and Alicia soap her down in the shower (paying special attention to the breasts) and Rose oggles them, but is most certainly not a lesbian, no way, no how. It's not sexual AT ALL. Keep in mind that Rose is still 11.
- She also knows Snape didn't try to kill her, even though Ron thinks so, but the author made Ron into a moron in his series. *seethes*
Our very own Das_Mervin has sporked the ever living hell out of this series, and it is her sporkings that allowed me to force myself to read the series. Das Mervin, if you ever read this, my hat's off to you. ;D If anyone wants to read it, well he has a Yahoo group. You can find it online, but I don't think I should link to it, as it has porn pictures on the very first page of the group. Oh yeah, the author is actually a boy. This woud actually explain the graphic details on the porn star-esque girls and how they wrestle around naked with each other. It raises questions about the misandry, however.
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on May 25, 2012 13:54:39 GMT -8
Oh God, I've heard about this one. Wait until you get to GOF. The Yule Ball...oh God, the Yule Ball.
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makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 25, 2012 18:12:40 GMT -8
Let me guess, it gets even MORE graphically pornographic?
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on May 26, 2012 20:00:07 GMT -8
Believe me, it is a sad thing for me to say I wish it were. Instead we're "treated" to Rose being the most arrogant girl in the multiverse. Yes, moreso than usual.
Also, about the Ron abuse? Thaaaat's not gonna get better.
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makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 27, 2012 23:40:05 GMT -8
Oh really? XD That's really sad, but I think I'm getting better. I'm starting to find this all hilarious.
I've heard that she carves words onto his face. Yeah, I'm not entirely over being pissed off by it.
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Post by annoyed on May 28, 2012 15:18:45 GMT -8
I hear this was actually written by a guy
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on May 28, 2012 15:31:48 GMT -8
I'm pretty sure all badfic readers evantually develop a sense of humour towards bad writing. We have to. It's our only defense.
Yes. Yes she does. Because he asks/calls her a lesbian. Which, considering the Quidditch game showers, among other things, he was definitely justified in thinking.
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makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 29, 2012 16:53:04 GMT -8
annoyed It was indeed written by a guy. This would explain why we get such graphic descriptions of young porn starlets and the lesbo-riffic parts. blenderbender Yeah and I heard that she tosses Gred and Forge around the room when they try to stop her.
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on May 30, 2012 18:12:03 GMT -8
Yeah, and he apparently thinks girls pay attention to these details, and that girls would soap each other down in showers like that. Granted, some do, but is really important to go into those details?
Really? I heard they thought she was justified. I heard EVERYONE thinks she's justified.
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makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 30, 2012 18:35:47 GMT -8
Yeah, and he apparently thinks girls pay attention to these details, and that girls would soap each other down in showers like that. Granted, some do, but is really important to go into those details? Really? I heard they thought she was justified. I heard EVERYONE thinks she's justified. Really? Some girls are that... "Intimate" with each other? My main problem with it is that she's 11 and they're 13. Don't quote me on but I think the twins try to stop her. I heard he really doesn't like any of the Weasley boys.
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Post by annoyed on May 30, 2012 22:57:25 GMT -8
Really? Some girls are that... "Intimate" with each other? Well, if ecchi anime is anything to go by... (Spoiler: It's not)
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slave4vamps
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Post by slave4vamps on May 31, 2012 6:50:39 GMT -8
Really? Some girls are that... "Intimate" with each other? Well, if ecchi anime is anything to go by... (Spoiler: It's not)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AHA!! /dead
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Post by SkeksisGirl on May 31, 2012 14:29:11 GMT -8
Well, if ecchi anime is anything to go by... (Spoiler: It's not)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AHA!! /dead
::Whines.:: Guys... you killed Slave! Who am I gonna tweak with over Spike and Lestat and Louis?
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on May 31, 2012 17:58:16 GMT -8
makoeyes - Well, no, not ususally intimate, but I could believe Rose drooling over them and the prose going into purple mode if she was supposed to be gay. I too have issues with intimate scenes involving characters at age 11 and 13.
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Post by Ozymandias II on May 31, 2012 18:09:00 GMT -8
Someone FINALLY gave this horrific thing a page to tear it apart on. The Das Mervin sporking was the only thing that made it readable to me. This is one of the creepiest fanfics ever. Usually they're so bad that it's obviously troll work and I can laugh like there's no tomorrow.
This however...I can tell the guy was completely serious. He seriously thinks that his arrogant, pretentious, stuck-up, holier-than-thou, mutilating (poor Ron, just poor Ron), genocidal (Demontors aren't the most pleasant of things, but her thoughts regarding them are TERRIFYING), inconsiderate THING is superior to canon.
His so called "druids" are equally horrible. Not only do they prove that the author knows next to nothing about ancient British religion or culture other than that nudity was occasionally involved (gee, I wonder why he focused only on that), but they are the most self-absorbed people ever. Think the regular wizards don't do enough to help Muggle society? At least they dont blow up a damn volcano over a domestic dispute! Seriously, Vesuvius was just a PMS-y "druidess" who was angry that her husband threw her out of the house? Perfectly justifiable reason for killing thousands of innocents horrifically and painfully even though they had nothing to do with the dispute not to mention the environmental havoc wreaked by the resulting ash cloud covering the earth! /sarcasm. Not to mention Vesuvius is a real damn volcano that will put millions in danger if it blows again. But hey, one guy who threw his wife out (for what might have been legitimate reasons considering her crazy-fuck reaction) is totally a good enough reason to kill untold innocents in the same area where he lived!
And for a group of people "totally at one with nature" they sure do a lot to control it. Their idea of being in tune with nature is to have it do their bidding whenever they please. Rose complains when the "water element" (the Harry Potter 'verse already has its own magical rules, dammit!) does not obey her. They are able to stop their periods when they please even though as a natural cycle they should, as being "one with nature" and all that bullshit, accept them or at least find some way to deal. But menstruating would take away from Rose being the author's "ideal woman."
Speaking of ladies, for supposedly being "feminist," this work is incredibly sexist. Girls are not described like normal people usually are, you know by facial features, hair type, etc. Nearly all people with two X-chromosomes are described in terms or their breast sizes, nipples, and the cut of their pubic hair. To add to the squick-fest, 99% of the girls are prepubescent or otherwise underage, making this "saga" practically pedophilic. It isn't really, considering all of the art(porn) pictures the author got the idea for the fic from are of 20-something supermodels so that's who he was picturing in his head, but it's still really creepy and disgusting. Especially when he remembers the ages of the people he's writing about. All females, including (oh who am I kidding, especially) the underage ones are sexualized. Even the ancient-as-all-fuck "druidess" (they are not real druids in any sense of the word, the parentheses stay) who oversees a creepy sex ritual is described as still having perky boobs despite her ancient-as-all-fuckness and having never worn a bra all her life. All women must be sexy! The author must be able to masturbate to all of them! Not to mention...
Oh. Oh, geez. How long is this thing? Oh, son of a... I gotta stop now before I can't.
I could go on for hours, as you can alll probably tell, but I doubt anyone wants to hear more from me. I didn't even get to Queen Empress Mary-Sue Rose herself, but I could write a dissertation on how much of a monster she is. However, I can't do long rants eloquently like people like InLoveWithHistory can and you have all probably stopped reading by this point anyway, so I'm just gonna stop now while still I have the willpower.
TL;DR: This fanfic sucks.
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Post by SkeksisGirl on May 31, 2012 18:44:22 GMT -8
Ozy? I am LOVING this rant... please continue? Cause these rants are the ONLY way I will ever experience this travesty of a fic.
Edit to add: Where the hell did the TVTropes for the fic go?
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Post by Ozymandias II on May 31, 2012 22:07:33 GMT -8
The TV Tropes page for the fic is gone? My rants are't unbearable? Yay! Though be warned, I hate this fic like Todd in the Shadows hates the band Chicago so I can get kinda incoherent and sound like a stereotypical old person rambling about them new-fangled whatchamacallits. I'm going to do this one about Rose: the grand supreme Mary Sue that, as far as I can tell, was not meant as a parody. *cracks knuckles* Here goes. 1. Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting Even before Rosie-Posey Puddin' 'n' Pie gets a letter to Hogwarts, she is a trained ninja. Apparently, because Rose is a girl she would get more sympathy for being bullied than a guy would. My middle school self is either laughing or crying because that is some grade-A bullshit right there. So, because this guy felt sorry, he gave her full-on ninja training including enough mind-mastery to hide her thoughts from the freaking Sorting Hat and to let her enter "Void," which is basically bullet-time except the author thinks it's an actual ninja super-power and not an effect used by filmmakers to enhance a scene. Yeah. OK, so this guy will turn Rose into a so-overpowered-even-fucking-Naruto-wouldn't-go-there ninja because he feels sorry for her because she's a girl, but he wouldn't give Harry a few self-defense lessons just 'cause he's a boy? Jerk. Rose keeps using her "special techniques" and other bullshit all throughout the story and I'm sorry, there is NO FREAKING WAY an eleven-year-old could be a damn super-ninja even if they were raised their whole life to be one, much less a little brat who only got underground lessons every now and then and really especially if said lessons are not continued after she goes to Hogwarts because after then she spends all her free time with the Sueids (I refuse to call them Druids because they AREN'T). The only person allowed to get away with being a young super ninja is Cassandra Cain and that's because she's the Goddamn Batgirl. Or Black Bat. Whatever. The ninja skillz are only there to make her "cooler" and seem better than Harry. OotP CAPSLOCK!Harry at his worst was 1000x better than this twit. 2. Nekkid Time! I don't care how much the author says it's not sexual. When I read paragraph after paragraph of detailed descriptions of breast size, the shape and color of nipples and areolas, and the cut and consistency of pubic hair, I can't help but vision the author drooling creepily and panting as he gets off. LAWD. If the nudity ain't meant to be sexual, then I'm Angelina Jolie. She starts going around nudie because she doesn't like jammies and then McGonagal, whose character was brutally violated in the making of this fic, decides in her idiocy to give the brat an excuse by telling her to pretend to be a Sueidess (she's NOT a druidess...she's NOT) so that if anyone complains, she can claim discrimination. Because how dare anyone be offended at this person who constantly walks around naked and cares nothing for making others uncomfortable./sarcasm By the way, the Sueid (I will always call them this, because they are not druids, at all) excuse makes no sense because according to the story they're supah-secret and no outsiders are supposed to know. So how the hell is she supposed to use it as an excuse to other students if the other students can't know?! And then later she joins the Sueid cult which gives her an excuse to go nekkidy-nekkid 24/7 with the aid of an amulet around her waist. The amulet is the author's way of eating his cake and having it. It basically acts as clothes, keeping her warm when needed and even having a fucking"invisible pocket" to store things in. It also gives the illusion of clothes so that the author can put her in any sexy clothes he wants but still have her in the nakey. If people swear on it though or are also Sueids, they can see her naked anyway. Like anyone outside of the fic would ever WANT to. It's actually kind of gross to think about. She's constantly horny (yes, this fic isn't sexual at all), so for the student who has to sit in the seat she used in the previous class...EW. She claims it's because she has to be "closer to nature," but considering how she wears a dress that NO 14-year-old should wear to the Yule Ball along with wand holsters and Sueidic "armor" (metal spirally-dealies that look pretty but do nothing), I'm claiming hypocrisy. Clothes are apparently fine if they're sexy. And considering how the Sueidic amulet acts like clothes anyway, that's pretty much cheating. 3. There Can Be Only One She's the only one allowed to do anything cool. EVER. A lot of Hermione's smart lines are passed over to her. Ron's turned from average-but-kinda-silly guy with wicked chess skills into Dumbass Extraordinaire. Poor Ron. The chapter The Only One He Ever Feared is changed to The Only Wizard or Man (can't remember which) he ever feared because of COURSE he fears Rose. Oh, and apparently when Harry grew back his hair after getting it cut, that meant he was a secret Metamorphmagus and therefore Rose should be one! Gag me. 4. Holier Than Thou Oh, you best believe it. Everyone owes everything to her because she's tragic. Sure, Harry suffered just as much as her but...hey. He suffered more! The Dursleys abused him, but they lived in fear of her! She's got no damn excuse! Anyway, she always walks around giving condescending advice to everyone she meets and constantly spouts out these annoying sayings like she's Aesop. Confucius is not pleased. She even smart-mouths off to members of the Ministry of Magic and freaking DUMBLEDORE. NO. You do NOT do that! Ever! The only person maybe allowed to tell off Dumbledore is his brother, not Rose! When she goes to the Ministry as "Padraign" (her Sueidess name after a gratuitous sex ritual), she has the gall to call them arrogant. Pot, this is kettle, Kettle, pot. I'm sure you two will get along just dandy. She knows better than everyone and constantly tells everyone their flaws, apparently trying to "help" them. Bull. Anyone who does not agree with her "wisdom" and praise her like the sun shines out her ass is "arrogant." *twitch* 5. Or Perhaps in Qanonreip I have come to the conclusion that Rose might be some sort of eldritch abomination from beyond the Andromeda galaxy. This hypothesis is given further weight from her bizarre effect on the characters around her. Minerva McGonagall, the great battleaxe herself, as a doting mother figure called "Minnie" who delights in nothing more than spoiling Rose. Severus Snape, the petty, vindictive asshole with a heart...well, maybe an aorta of gold, turned into a kind, gentle soul who loves giving extra lessons to Rose because she's so smart and special. She's like a daughter, really. *vomits* Hermione Granger, the smart, capable awesome girl, now Rose's groupie who of course is not as smart as Rose and who stands by and even offers to join in during...the Book 4 incident. Ron Weasley, the normal guy just trying to survive the crazy, who under the author's hand is...poor Ron. Poor, poor, Ron. Ginny Weasley is Rose's love slave. Neville Longbottom was apparently cured by Rose and more or less replaces Ron. And so on. 6. Tools of the Trade Besides the amulet, Rose has a wide array of cool stuff Harry just didn't have the "common sense" to get. Wand holsters that immediately summon her wands (wait for it) to hand whenever she wants. She has a second wand made from "the Tree of Life" that is a slap in the face to the symbolism of Harry's holly-and-phoenix wand. She also has the Sueidic "armor" that did absolutely nothing except probably highlight the curves of her ass. Considering how the actual Celts only stripped naked when going into battle, and even then only occasionally, I find that little tidbit deliciously ironic. 7. Bitch Be Crazy Tezcatlipoca's testicles, yes. She's a sociopath. A complete and utter sociopath. Starting off when she's ten, she break's Vernon Dursley's arm for trying to keep her Hogwarts letter from her. Breaks. His. Arm. Vernon's a child neglecting asshole, but in this fic Rose terrified the Dursleys. Later on, she kills Quirrel with a piercing hex. Murders him. Yes, he might have deserved to die, but one of the main themes of Harry Potter was not killing. At thirteen, she wants to commit genocide against the Dementors. Dementors ain't nice, but holy shit. She works on her Patronus not to deal with her fears, like Harry did, but to massacre the Dementors, which she does at the end of Book 3! But it's apparently OK, because according to her, Dementors are actually Soul-Reavers from Legacy of Kain and should be obliterated as abominations. Must...resist...Godwin's Law! And then...what she does to Ron in Book 4. Remember when Harry and Ron had that argument and Harry threw a badge at Ron and likely felt bad afterwards? Not Rose. Oh, no. You see, Ron accused her of being a lesbian. Seeing as she sees women only as boobies and crotches and pretty much sleeps with his sister, he has a point. But apparently, accusing her of being a lesbian is on par with digging up her dead mom in order to pimp-slap her and whore her out to necrophiliacs (and maybe a desperate Snape). So what does Rose do? Throws him across the room, and then carves words into his forehead. Yes. Harry threw a Potter Stinks badge at him and likely regretted it. Rose mutilates her so-called friend in vindictive glee and feels completely justified. The even that defined Umbridge as a complete monster in the eyes of HP fans everywhere was used by Rose earlier and in a far more horrific manner. But the crazy train is still going. In Book 5 she attacked Ministry members when they were coming in, kills Death Eaters during the invasion of the Ministry (even though thanks to her powers she KNEW SIRIUS WASN'T IN ANY DANGER AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN), and bullies her "friends" (let's face it, they're her frightened minions) into killing as well. She even uses the Cruciatus, an Unforgivable, on a Death Eater and clearly enjoys inflicting such suffering. Those are her main signs. She also throughout the books bullies people relentlessly, combining it with her holier-than-thouness. Her favorite method is have her eyes glow and to have "magical potential" swirl around her like a mini-tornado. With any luck, one day it'll cause a house to fall on her and Hogwarts will finally know freedom. 8. Wrap It Up So there is the condensed Rose. I might come back in a couple of days to do a second part on the Sueids but I got to go to a cousin's graduation and finish a chapter of my own fanfic whose OC is hopefully nowhere near as Sue-ific as Rosie-Posey was. Hope you liked.
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makoeyes
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Post by makoeyes on May 31, 2012 22:31:40 GMT -8
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AHA!! /dead
::Whines.:: Guys... you killed Slave! Who am I gonna tweak with over Spike and Lestat and Louis?And who's gonna talk boys and slash with me now? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! The TV Tropes page for the fic is gone? Yeah, they deemed the story to be pornographic. Considering how the actual Celts only stripped naked when going into battle, and even then only occasionally, I find that little tidbit deliciously ironic. I was just about to mention that. ;D Plus you know, that was possibly propaganda on the part of the Romans, so it makes the Sueid's nudity even weirder. And not only that but the British Isles are up North, so it makes it even more unlikely that the Druids went around stark naked. 8. Wrap It Up So there is the condensed Rose. I might come back in a couple of days to do a second part on the Sueids but I got to go to a cousin's graduation and finish a chapter of my own fanfic whose OC is hopefully nowhere near as Sue-ific as Rosie-Posey was. I have my own OC in a fanfic I'm working on, and I hope he's not Stu either. We're both probably fine though. It was AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWESOME!
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Post by SkeksisGirl on May 31, 2012 22:54:44 GMT -8
And I thought my half dragon was overpowered...
TVtropes needs to stop getting rid of all the good stuff.
Ozy... check your PMs.
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slave4vamps
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Post by slave4vamps on Jun 1, 2012 5:27:56 GMT -8
Ha! You guys xD *Rises from the dead* BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINSSS...And Lestaaaat and Spiiike and Looouiiiss and slaaaaaash. ha ha ha
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Post by SkeksisGirl on Jun 1, 2012 7:27:45 GMT -8
Ha! You guys xD *Rises from the dead* BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINSSS...And Lestaaaat and Spiiike and Looouiiiss and slaaaaaash. ha ha ha
Hey! ::Swats.:: I need my brains. BTW, saw James Marsters this past weekened again <.< and met Linda Hamilton.
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on Jun 1, 2012 16:10:30 GMT -8
....Ozy, you just got karma. That was awesome! And spot-on correct. Kudos! I couldn't make a rant like that unless it was about DAYD. Though, I gotta admit, Rose is a close second.
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Post by annoyed on Jun 2, 2012 2:26:26 GMT -8
Someone needs to write a fic where this Sue gets killed by someone awesome.
Like Darth Revan.
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Jun 2, 2012 8:26:09 GMT -8
Yeah, I've read sporkings of Halcyon's other stuff. It's not QUITE as horrific as Rose, but there's ALWAYS an element of "I can do better than canon ever could because I read ahead therefore I am smarter HA." As Mervin pointed out, the series was probably abandoned because when Deathly Hallows came out, Halcyon realized he couldn't reconcile his "SOOOO much better than canon" with the twists. After all, if Snape and Dumbledore were so much closer to her than Harry, why did neither of them tell Rose any of the final book secrets?
Oh, and no one's pointed it out yet- Halcyon is obviously of the Weasley-bashing Harmonian bent. There's the Ron-bashing, yes (everything Ginny or Harry does wrong in canon is replaced with Ron), but she also trains Ginny as her own Sueid NOTALESBIANATALL up until the sixth book came out. At which point, there's some minor bashing and then she's pushed aside in favor of Luna.
Also, she spares Cedric (because he's her sextoy), opts to teach herself DADA instead of sitting through Umbridge's class (even though they COULDN'T, that was the ENTIRE POINT), proves Sirius's innocence, masters Occlumency, and figures out who Wormtail is, but still changes next to NOTHING because half the fic's copied and pasted wholesale from the books.
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blenderbender
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Post by blenderbender on Jun 2, 2012 9:44:19 GMT -8
^I have a better idea, how about Harry Potter?
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Lyra
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Post by Lyra on Jun 3, 2012 15:25:43 GMT -8
And I thought my half dragon was overpowered...
TVtropes needs to stop getting rid of all the good stuff.
Ozy... check your PMs. I've given up on TVT at this point. I'm just waiting for the day that every single page becomes nothing but "Click the 'Edit' button to start a new page" with a lock at the top. On topic: I'll have to read the Das Mervin spork when I have time. I love her sporks, and this fanfic sounds like perfect sporking fodder.
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Post by Ozymandias II on Jun 3, 2012 22:11:38 GMT -8
Guess who's back?
Rant Part 2: Electric Boogaloo
The Fucking Sueids
1. Purpose! We Need Purpose!
What point do the Sueids serve? Really? They don't exist in the Harry Potter canon proper and there's no hint of them. I'm assuming actual druids and such existed and comprised much of the magical community in ancient Britain, but why does this crazy la-la sect that has next to nothing in common with actual druidism exist? How do they add anything to the Harry Potter universe?
Their only purpose is to show how much better Rose is than Harry. Gee, how dare Harry not join a secret magical sect that the author pulled out of his ass to play to his fetishes?
Wizardry already has secret sects and societies such as the Order of the Phoenix. Hell, wizards and witches are a secret group in and of themselves. How has this community lasted so long if its so super secret?
2. Secrecy My Ass
Oh, wait. They aren't.
If this group is so secret and sacred and whatever, why did they let Rose, an eleven year old child, join just because she was too speshull to wear pajamas? So much for secrecy. Way too damn easy to join.
And why are they hiding from the rest of the wizarding world? Wizards and witches hid from Muggles so that they would not be expolited or persecuted. One could make an ethical argument that they should not be because their magic combined with modern science could really do a lot of good for both worlds, but ultimately the majority of wizards don't reveal themselves out of fear of persecution.
So, why do the Sueids hide from the rest of the magical community? While the other wizards can be major dicks to goblins, mermaids, and house elves and the like, they aren't going to persecute other magical humans. Rose makes some bullshit excuse about how they "grew tired of the arrogance of the Ministry" or whatever.
Lol what.
The Ministry can be stupid, looking at you Fudge, but they can be voted out. Why didn't the Sueids step in when Voldemort was on the rampage and shelter Muggleborns and their families? Did they deserve to be slaughtered because they were under the Ministry or whatever?
One of the main "arguments" for why the Ministry is supposedly so arrogant is a bullshit excuse that the author pulled out of his ass. Supposedly, the Dementors are actually called "Soul-Reavers" and they were once wizards who searched for immortality and the Ministry's been covering it up for reasons the author was too lazy to explain.
Um, I'm not going to hate a character or group from a series for a reason a fanfic author totally made up/ripped off from something else (Legacy of Kain). You fail, author.
3. Again, Nekkid Time
Why does the author shove in our faces that these people are constantly naked? Look, have them be naked all you want, but don't keep. On. Repeating. It. All you have to do is say it once at the beginning of a chapter, and that's it.
And my fat jiggly ass it's not meant to be sexual. He keeps on giving hideously detailed paragraph after paragraph of boobs and pubes and other things I never wanted to know about these characters. One of the biggest indicators that it was a man writing this (and one of the major reasons why it's easy to assume that Rose is a closeted lesbian) was that none of the overly long descriptions of naughty bits pertained to men. Even Cedric, who was turned into Rose's fucktoy for the series, is never described. He continuously gets her wet (and that we get details about), but we never get a single description of him. Come on, a lovestruck teenage girl would at least describe her squeeze's eyes.
To add to it, I already complained before that the author cannot describe anyone unless it is a woman he can fap over. Even an old lady who never wore a bra in her life still has perky boobs. Fucking bull. (One of the more WTF scenes was when Rose metamorphs herself into a form with bigger boobs supposedly better for running in. OW. That's personally how I confirmed the author was male, because OW. Mine aren't big at all and still OW.)
Ahem, steering back on topic, their excuse that they have to be naked at all times to be "one with nature" is crap. They are perfectly fine with wearing clothes when it suits them. Rose gets a super special awesome Sueidic cloak when she becomes "Padraign", showing that Sueids make some clothes and then presumably wear them. There's also that ironic "armor" she gets. Rose also wears a (very inappropriate for an underage teenager) dress for the Yule Ball along with holsters for her two (*growl*) wands and the eat-your-cake-and-have-it amulet.
The amulet really pisses me off. Since it protects the wearer from cold and whatnot, it keeps the wearer from the elements and therefore from their precious nature. Hypocrisy in action.
And, last but not least, actual Druids did not and do not waltz around in the nakey. They wore ceremonial white robes and from what I can tell they still do. It was the warriors who would, according to some sources, strip down to fight to either represent putting their fates entirely in the hands of the gods or as a form of psychological warfare. Hey, screaming naked people running at you wanting you dead s scary. Or it could have all been Roman propaganda. Either way, his excuses for having his Sueids naked are flimsy. The British Isles can get just a teensy bit chilly at times. Being naked 24/7=losing body parts you really don't want to. Even actual naturists either go inside or put on a coat in the cold. And they aren't nearly as stuck up as the Sueids about their nudity.
TL;DR: The Sueids are hypocritical about being nekkid.
3. Their Belief System
The author calls them "Druids" (geh, I shuddered just using the word in relation to those Sues), but in no way do they have any practices that even remotely relate to those practiced by the ancient Celtic priests or modern day followers. I don't know how modern Druids and such practice their religion, but I'm pretty damn sure it's nothing like the Sueids.
They apparently follow some form of really bizarre Judeo-Christianity-ish system instead of one based off of ancient Celtic practices. Rose in one part defends her nudity by saying that since she's "made in God's own image" where's the shame in showing her body. Her wording was nearly directly from the Torah/Bible (it's from Genesis so it's in both). Now, other belief systems also have humans and the gods they worship look alike, but her wording was specifically from Genesis.
In another part, why does Rose say that Sueids celebrate Christmas. Huzzasaywuh? Many non-Christians celebrate Christmas in a purely commercial way, but why would the Sueids? They're a group of forest hippies who live only to frolic in the nude. I can't see them going around malls and such. I mean other than as an excuse to give Rose stuff because she's such a special snowflake? Even Hogwarts has a freaking Yule Ball, but the Sueids are never shown celebrating any holidays on the actual Druid calendar. Research the damn religion you are writing about! Don't just make shit up because you know what Christmas is and are too damn lazy to look up actual Druid holidays!
So, what the what? Apparently they have some form of nature worship, but as I've ranted before, they seem more about controlling nature than living in harmony with it.
4. All is One and One is Bullshit
Let's rant about their "oneness with nature," shall we? Because, like I said, they aren't. They want to make nature their bitch.
Rose no longer has a menstrual cycle because being "one with nature" allows her to skip it. Huh? Menstruation is a natural, if highly unpleasant cycle of life. She should accept it as such and deal with it if she really wants to be legit about her oneness with the natural order blah blah blah. When Sirius's two wives (don't ask, I'll get to those wastes of cyberspace later) get pregnant, they do at the exact same time and even give birth at the same time. It's one thing to control when to release the eggs and maybe some magic was involved to get the sperm to implant at the same time, but they shouldn't control when they give birth. Babies who are birthed by C-section even a few weeks early not because of any medical necessity but just because they seem big enough/the parents want to decide the day tend to have a greater chance of health issues later on. Those babies should not have been born at exactly the same time. Not a vast gulf of time, given that they were conceived at the same time (*groan*), but a few days or maybe a week or two. Babies develop at different rates. Being "one with nature" won't change that. Those poor kids will have so many issues.
I ranted about the Vesuvius thing earlier so I won't go again. All I'll say is if you've seen the plaster casts of the people who were caught in the pyroclastic flow and the suffering they must have endured, you'd know how horrible it is that the author used that tragedy and the deaths of over 16,000 people to show off how powerful his Sue cult is and how perfect they are that any wrong done against them deserves horrific out of proportion punishment. Fuck me. I don't care how long ago it was, it was still an enormous loss of human life and it should be treated with more respect than that. Damn it, I ranted again.
They abuse their power, if the Vesuvius thing wasn't enough. In Book 5 Rose goes as "Padraign" to basically insult the whole Ministry even though she's a fifteen-year-old with no knowledge of the inner workings of magical politics except that she's "better" than it. When she gets mad, she decides to scare the members into submission by shaking the walls and ceiling of the building and making them believe she'll bring it down over their heads if they don't basically kiss her ass.
They aren't one with nature. They abuse it and twist it to suit their own ends and expect to be considered so holy for it. Gah.
5. Sexytimes
For a fanfiction that's not supposed to be about sex, it sure has a lot of it. While the protagonist is fifteen no less. Seriously, the author couldn't have waited one more year until she was legal in the UK?
In order to become a full Sueid, you have to have public sex in front of a huge crowd and while doing stuff with dragon's blood and burning mallorn, a special tree stolen from Tolkein's wonderful Middle Earth only to be roasted. Galadriel will hunt the Sueids down for this. No, seriously. Mallorn is a type of tree from Middle Earth that the author stole for his crappy fanfic. What if the wannabe Sueid was asexual or felt that their sex life should be private? What if he or she wasn't ready for sex, but was ready for all of the other parts of Sueidic life? Why does everybody else have to be watching?
It's just so voyeuristic. Which, judging by how the author describes women by boobs and crotches instead of by facial features and hair style, is probably the intent.
The Sueids are supposed to be more open about relationships than the rest of the "Victorian" witches and wizards. And yet the only open relationship we see is Sirius, who was immediately found out in the beginning of Book 3 and was converted to Suedism (run, Sirius, RUN), who married two Sueidesses with the personalities of stale toast. They serve no purpose other than to sex him up, which he should not be able to do as Azkaban should have rendered him permanently impotent. Sorry fangirls and fanboys, it would have. No same-sex relationships or two males, one female relationships exist. Sirius and his two fuckdolls (they are just there to get him laid and pop out two babies that don't further the story, they have no personalities or character, they're just his fuckdolls) are the most open we get. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that asexuals are not welcome here.
I don't have a problem with a group that's more open about sex and relationships, it's how it's handled. The only point of the Sueids' "openess" is to give the author a hard-on. Not to show the differences between Sueidic culture and the rest of the wizarding world, not to show a group with different taboos and mores than what we're used to in a respectful and educational manner, but just as an excuse for the author to drool over his beloved T & A. It's hard to see just from my description, but if you read either the fic or the sporking, it's easy to tell.
My big complaint about the mating rituals of the Sueids is the author's pathetic excuses about how it's not about sex. Really? Than why is there so much of it in a series that only occasionally referenced sex?! If you want to write porn, just write porn. It's internet fanfiction, write your damn porn, admit that it is porn, and get on with your life. We know it's porn, and chances are that's what we were looking for when we found your story. The nudity and sex in this story is completely about sex. It's his refusal to just own up that he's writing to fulfill his weird sexual fantasies when it's so obvious that he is that really grinds my gears.
6. Et tu, Sueide?
Why do the Druids do their stuff in literal Latin? Rowling took some of the wording for spells from Latin, but Rose's spells just come right from a Latin-English dictionary. And furthermore, the Sueids perform their rituals with Latin incantations? WHY? The Romans were the mortal enemies of the Celts! They killed off a lot of the real Druids and burned down sacred orchards in order to subjugate them! Why would the Sueids use the language of...
Oh.
The Romans were the enemies of the real Druids. They probably buddied right up with the Sueids who saw the actual Druids as a threat since the real Druids had a sense of fucking dignity. Since a Sueid caused Vesuvius I wouldn't be surprised if the Sueids were secretly responsible for most of the world's catastrophes. That's probably why they isolate themselves, afraid someone will discover their dark secret...
7. Why Druids?
Why did the author call his weirdo Sue cult Druids? They have absolutely nothing to do with the Celtic priests of yore and they certainly are nothing like modern practitioners. Why did he pick on them? Did a Druid drive 40 mph ahead of him on a busy two lane freeway when he was in a rush to get to work? No group deserves this kind of butchering. Would it have killed him to read a book on the Celts or to ask his friendly neighborhood pagan about what modern Druids do? I'm not a Druid and I don't know much about their beliefs, but this story was still so offensive to me because it was so obvious that the guy has no clue who the actual Druids are and were. Why do the writers of the Bad Mary Sues of Legend always tend to butcher some religion or belief system in their suck? My Immortal had Satanism, Twila had Atheism (it's not a religion, but not having a religion, I know, but it counts for the list), Brewdening Love had Christianity, and now the Girl Who Lived has skewered Druidic beliefs. Why? Their slaughter of canon is bad enough, why do they have to bring something as controversial and powder-keg as religion into their fics?
It's a plague! I plague, I say! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, 'cause they be rapin' everybody's beliefs and nonbeliefs out here! Save yourselves, people of other beliefs! The Sues! The Sues will come for you as well! They are legion! They shall not stop until everybody has been offended down to their cores! Flee! FLEE!
(I don't think this rant was as good as the Rose one, but I had to get my thoughts out because this isn't just one bad character. He's making a mockery out of the beliefs of real people and it's just wrong. Any real Druids or people who know more about them want to back me up/say how wrong I am/otherwise put out correct information that the author didn't have time between fap sessions to look up?)
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Post by SkeksisGirl on Jun 4, 2012 6:51:13 GMT -8
You know... if I remember correctly, ALL THE BEDS HAVE DRAPES AROUND THEN TO CLOSE! Guess what guys... close the fucking drapes, toss your PJs on the end of the bed, and get fucking dressed before you open the damn drapes! Seriously! They have communal bathrooms and no guy is allowed in the girl's room, sleeping nude isn't that bad!
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Post by Ozymandias II on Jun 4, 2012 8:11:14 GMT -8
You know... if I remember correctly, ALL THE BEDS HAVE DRAPES AROUND THEN TO CLOSE! Guess what guys... close the fucking drapes, toss your PJs on the end of the bed, and get fucking dressed before you open the damn drapes! Seriously! They have communal bathrooms and no guy is allowed in the girl's room, sleeping nude isn't that bad! But then Rose wouldn't be able to parade around like the special snowflake she is and then have an excuse to join the Sueids! In all seriousness, I got no problem with her sleeping nude for comfort, but it's painfully clear the author only had her do it so that he could write about her naked. When she's eleven. And he needed some excuse to have her join his Mary Suetopia. Hell, I don't even have a problem with a group that believes in going nude as much as possible. The problem is how the author is obviously fetishizing the whole thing while simultaneously claiming "it's not about sex!" that really gets under my skin.
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Post by SkeksisGirl on Jun 4, 2012 9:10:12 GMT -8
You know... if I remember correctly, ALL THE BEDS HAVE DRAPES AROUND THEN TO CLOSE! Guess what guys... close the fucking drapes, toss your PJs on the end of the bed, and get fucking dressed before you open the damn drapes! Seriously! They have communal bathrooms and no guy is allowed in the girl's room, sleeping nude isn't that bad! But then Rose wouldn't be able to parade around like the special snowflake she is and then have an excuse to join the Sueids! In all seriousness, I got no problem with her sleeping nude for comfort, but it's painfully clear the author only had her do it so that he could write about her naked. When she's eleven. And he needed some excuse to have her join his Mary Suetopia. Hell, I don't even have a problem with a group that believes in going nude as much as possible. The problem is how the author is obviously fetishizing the whole thing while simultaneously claiming "it's not about sex!" that really gets under my skin.
He's a lying liar that lies obviously. Sometimes you just wanna smack-a-dick.
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