Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 7:11:24 GMT -8
You guys, I have found a new troll! She goes by the name of SammyxMe. After feeling rather bad about my last snarking thread, I decided to wait until I found a real troll. Because after all, snarking is fun. If this is not a troll, then I hope God can forgive me. (But it is a troll.)
Here, in all its glory, is Worlds Collide! AN: dis iz ma 1st story, so dont make fun of it, ok? i do not own twilight or harry potter.The actual story has better spelling, at least...Ariana Veressa Midnight Rosegarden (That's me! Hehe!) We're one half sentence into the story, and she is already looking to be a Sue. Bonus points for sharing her first name with our absolutely worst badficcer and her abomination.stared out her window at the gloomy, overhung sky that crackled with lightning. Goffik mood is set. Despite the drab weather, she was happy. If it was cloudy then it meant that Edward, her fucking hot, vampire boyfriend, would come to school. And she's dating Edward, of course. She was sooooo glad he had finaly decided to break up with that whiney bitch, Bella. Plus I was half vampire, half human, so we were a beter match. Random change of PoV, not a good sign.She threw her pale, beach blond long hair over her shoulder and threw on her bckpack. She was wearing a white shirt under a blue sweater, jeans, and a pair of black tennis shoes. Her backpack was purple. So she's not a goth, then.On her fingers she wore a small gold ring with a tiny jwel set into it and a mood ring. She didn't care that those things were hip before she was born because all haters can suck it. She wore a pink and blue woben bracelet and a silver necklace with a cat on it around her neck. Oh noez! She's a prep!She had on a little make up, but not much. Just some black eyeliner, some smoky, gray eye shadow, some pink, strawberry lip gloss, and some black mascara. In other words, she looks ready for a night at the disco. She hoped that she was beautiful enough for Edward because she often thought she was a little bland compared to his beautiful, masculine body. Bella felt like that too. It seems Edward has a gift for making his GFs feel inferior. Must be part of his charm.Of course, many people at her school and life seemed to be in complete, total love with her. Sue-detector: *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!* One of these people was Jacob, someone else who used to love Bella until they realized just how useless she was. True. Just recently, they had all found out that he was a hairy werewolf, Edward's enemy. He may have been his enemy, but Ariana still hung out with him because, though she dared not admit it, he was fucking sexy, too. What a good reason to hang out with someone!She made her way outside, putting the hood of her sweater up in case it started to rain. Luckily, it didn't. She got into her large, black, old Impala and started the engine. She pulled out of her driveway and made her way to school. Does the black Impala fly? Because it's not a proper Suemobile if it doesn't.As she drove past all the trees lining the road, she began to daydream about Edward. She wondered when the next sunny day would be so they could maybe skip school and hang out in a field, lying side by side with each other, staring pasionately into each other's eyes. Of course, Edward wouldn't have his shirt on. Ariana would make sure of that. This was so she could stare at his pale, sparkling, beautiful, chiseled abs that were usually hidden under his shirt. Bleh!Ariana really hated it when he wore a shirt. She liked to stare at his sparkling body instead. Oh, how she wished she could touch his chest right now, sparkling or not. The sparkling part was the best part, though. Being a half vampire, she didn't sparkle, just shone. How dreadful it would be if she had normal, human skin. Not glam enough! Only Edward idd. Ariana even went to school on suny days, but just cobered up more. Sudenly she heard someone scream, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and she snapped back into reality just in time to see someone flying straite towards her car! She renched This seems familiar... the steering wheel to the side just in time and the barely taped the top of her car, sending them crashing into the road. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT?" Ariana exclaimed, turning off her car. I'm wondering the same thing! She got out of her car and gasped at what she say lying in the middle of the road behind her. plz review!The chapters are pretty short, but I'm going to post each one in a separate entry. Because I had typed up the snark of the 5 first chapters when the browser closed and I lost everything and just sat there like this: So yeah.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 7:27:48 GMT -8
Chapter 2, ladies and gents!AN: tell me wat u gaiz think, ok?There was a boy crumpled in the middle of the road Crumplet? Into a pile of body parts? Poor chap! and a broomstick was lying next to him, Severus snaped in half. Confused, she ran towards him, almost tripping on the pavement she was so scared. Oh, yeah. She's a Bella, allright!She had no idea what to do or if the boy was even still alive. She got down next to him and felt for a pulse on his neck. She couldn't feel one. Next she tried his wrist. Still no pulse. Maybe he's a vampire?"FUCK!" She screamed, terrified. Ariana turned him onto his back and ripped open his white shirt which was under a black robe. He wore a red and gold tie around his neck and the glasses on his face had cricks in the glass. He wore black pants and nice shoes on his feet. On his forehead was a scar shaped like a lightning bolt. YOU KILLED HARRY POTTER! ASKJHDHFGDG!!!She put her hand on his chest, franically pawing Ouww! at it, hoping for a heartbeat. She finally felt one and let out a sigh of relief, relaxing a little. But now what was she supposed to do? Rain began to fall of them, plastering the boy's dark, messy brown hair back. The scar showed even more now and Ariana curiously reached out to touch it. She did and a jolt seemed to run through her body. She pulled back her arm. He hath ecletricity!What in the fucking hell was that? My sentiments exactly. Maybe it was just her imagination or the storm over them. Either way she had to get this boy back home. No school for her today. Or her vampire boyfriend Edward, either. With that thought she almost left the boy in the road but finally dragged him to her car. How nice of her. BTW, maybe calling someone like, I dunno... an ambulance wouldn't be inappropriate?She examined him as he slumped in her passenger seat. Her checks grew warm as she realized just how cute he was. She shook her head at the thought. Ariana mustn't thing that way. Edward was hers and hers alone. She grabbed his broken broom and threw it into the trunk of her car. The boy had no major injuries How can you tell. He's unconscious. That's usually a sign that something is wrong., just scrapes, so she took him home. Her fother had left already so she dragged him to the guest room and put him on the bed. At this time she really wished Edward was around because she missedhim so much and was getting tired of dragging the boy around. Well, duh! If you had called the paramedics, they would have kindly provided a stretcher.As if he could read her thoughts (tho he cAn read thoughts, but he doesn't want to read hers cuz that's rude LOL), Edward appeared behind her. He hath teleportation. He took one look at the boy and at her, both drenched. He, himself, was not wet at all. He must have run really fast, like a fast cheetah in order to find her. His white, button up shirt had the two buttons unbuttoned because it had been really warm inside the Department of Redundancy Dept. office, and he wore blue jeans on his muscled legs and wore white tennis shoes. His hair was flawless, as always. He wrapped her in his strong, masculine, muscled arms and pulled her close. She reveled in his warmth, feeling it warm her up. She looked up into his gorgeous, coal black eyes. He needed to feed soon. But not on Harry! He's out of bounds! Then his eyes would be an even more beautiful gold color, like amber. The then kissed passionately then and there, making out by the unconscious boy. I really love these two. They are so full of compassion. Like a snake.Suddenly the boy interrupted them, stirring awake. They continued to hold eachother though, starign into eachother's eyes heatedly, as they were undressing eachother in their minds. At least they weren't actually undressing to shag in front of Harry. But there are several chapters to go. The boy propped himself up and stared at them. They stared back in silence. "Where the hell am I?" The boy finnaly asked, cunfuzled. You are in a badfic, Harry! And it's not your first one, you should know the signs by now.reviewz r da best so plz right 1!Mmmkay, I think it is a little obviously trolly. Also, there is some lack of originality yet, but this is just the second chappy so you may surprise us.
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Post by annaofcrazyland on Oct 17, 2011 7:36:56 GMT -8
This story is pure crap, but I love your snarking. xD
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Post by mrsdamienthorn on Oct 17, 2011 7:55:19 GMT -8
There seems to be a little homage to "Ward's Secert" in chapter 4. Ariana catches Edward and Harry kissing, and then jumps off a cliff. Unfortunately, she's saved by someone called "Jacon." Let me just draw your attention to this sentence.
^ Whut.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 7:56:56 GMT -8
harry wakes up! yay! That already happened in the last chapter.Ariana and Edward stared at the boy, not sure what to do but they still helped onto eachother romantically. The boy got into a sitting position and stared back at them, his GREEN His green ones? Not his goffik deprezzed red ones? Okay, then. eyes burning. Theu finnayly let go of eachother and addressed the boy. "What's your name?" Ariana asked the boy. "Harry Pooter," he replied, "What's your guys's?" Ah, phew. It's just Harry Pooter. He's a jerk."I'm Edward Cullen," Edward answered, "and sh's Ariana Erehaha Silverdove Seagull Heffalump Veressa Midnight Rosegarden, my lover." Ariana nodded at the boy ass a aigh of 'hello'. He started to get out of bead byt suddenly winced in pain. Some are in a potato, some are in a bead. Oh the dreadful things badfics can do!"Don't rush yourself," Edward said, cooliy, as allways. "But I can't," Haryy said, trying to get uo once more, "I need to find my way back ome to my friends so I can defeat the Dark Lord and save the world from evil!" Oooh, Voldemort is going to be in it. How many new ways do you think his name can be misspelled?They just stared at him, sure that he had gone crazy from smashing into Ariana's car earlier that day. "Have you seen my owl?" Yep, he was definityely crazy they decided. And yet they don't question the fact that he arrived flying on a broomstick. Edward told her that he would lok after him so she could go get some bandaids from the bathroom. She did. Brining them back, they put them on harry, patching up all his visible scraptes. Eww, that sounds like some nasty infection. Harry, don't sit too close to Dumbledore and Lupin when you are in trollfics. You never know what they have."I have another one." "Where?" "My calf hurst." Ariana left the room so Edeard could but the bandaid on so Harry wouldn't be embarrassed. Yeah, because rolling your pant-leg up to your knee is super awkward.Finnaly they let her back in. he was all patched up, so he tried to rise once more. Edward helped him, but then shrank back by the overwhelming need to suck his blood. Boo! He threw himself out the window and ran away. Yayy!"Was it something I said?" Harry asked. "No, it's not you. He was just feeling hungry and a little bitey, if you know what I mean." Nudge-nudge, wink-wink."No, I don't know what you mean. What are you talking about and where am I?" "You're iin Oregon." "Oregon? How did I end up here?" Flying your Firebolt. Which is now in the same condition as your Nimbus2000. "I don't know. Where are you form?" "Engalnd." Never heard of the place."That ecplains the accent." "I have an accent?" He has an Engallic accent. They like to put 's' on the end of all verbs."Yes, you do. Don't tell Edeward this, but it's kinda sexy and I like it." "I won't tell." He blushed. "Okay good." "I'm hungry. Do you have any food to spare?" "Sure, I have some. Come downstairs." He hobbled down the stairs behind her, managing alriht. She made him some toast and gave him an apple. Please eat this apple. It reminds me too much of Edward's ex.He ate both of them quickly, so she made him some more toast. He ate that to. Finnaly he said he as full, so they went and sat down in the living room to talk. "Are you human?" What a perfectly normal question. He had a heartbeat, BTW, so he's not vamp."Why wouldn't I be?" Because this is a world in which some people aren't, obviously.She shrugged. "Well are you?" "Yes and no." "Are you like me, then?" "If you're a wizard, then yes." "A wizard? I didn't think they existed." But vampires and werewolves do, so why not wizards?"I shouldn't have told a muggle like you that. What was I thinking? I guess it's just something about you. I don't know. You're different and have a wierd pull on me, I guess." The gravity pull of a Black Hole Sue. It is legend. Run, Harry!She blushed. "What did you mean when you asked if I was like you?" "Well I'm human, yet I'm not. Just like you." "What are you?" "I'm a half vampire. Edwards a full vampire." "Vampires? I didn't think those existed." You met one at Slughorn's Christmas party. And you used to think Snape was one!"Then neither of us thought the other existed." "Well now we know they do." They giggled, already feeling comfortable with eachother. Uh-oh, they are going to be having squicky, biologically impossible sex, aren't they? "Are Edward and you a couple?" He presented her as his lover, so I'd say that is a safe assumption to make."Yes, he is. I think I love him, but after feeling what I feel for you, I don't know anymore." "What you feel for me?" "I think I like you." "She loved Edward, but she liked Harry", or something like that. Now she has cold toes.They bothe blushed. Harry leaned in and kissed her. Just then Edward walked in. They pulled apart. That sounded dirtier than it should."Wait, Edward!" He ignored her and pointed at Harry, "We need to have a little talk in the woods after dark. I have something I need to teach you and you won't like it." He left again. Harry looked at her, sad. "He's going to beat me uuuuuuup!""I'm sorry." "No, I'm sorry." They were silent. "You should get some sleep, Harry." You need some rest before you go kicking Edward's sparkly butt."Yea, okay." He went back upstairs to the bed he had been on. Ariana cried alone in the living room, fearing what was to come. plz review, gaizOh, can Edward please be the bad guy, like in FTS? Edwart is my favourite Edward.
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Post by annaofcrazyland on Oct 17, 2011 8:02:53 GMT -8
Well, Harry didn't think Snape was a vampire, he just thought he resembled a bat. xD
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 8:14:29 GMT -8
Chapter 4, which unfortunately does resemble Edward's Sercet a little too much. Fortunately, no finger sacrifice.
AN: gaiz, if ur not going 2 leve a nice revew, dont review at all okay? jeez this is my baby itz my first story, ok?
Nighttime finally came. It was a full mmoon that night so it was quite light outside.
Edward told Ariana not to follow them, but she cried and begged him not to hurt Harry, that she was sorry.
But he ignored her and the two left. She sat down and cried again. She felt like her heart was breaking.
One of them would die and she didn't want either to because she feared that she loved both of them too much.
Then stop being such a passive Bella and go and DO something! You are the Sue in this story, you must surely have some secret soopah powah?
She couldn't take it anymore. They had been fone 5 hole minuts and that was 5 minutes too long.
Ariana took off into the forest in serach of the thwo and eventually found them. They were both on the ground and it looked like they were wrestinling.
FOE YAY.
But as she wgot closer, she realized the truth.
THEY WERE MAKING OUT!
You forgot to add the .............................s.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DIPSHITS DOING?" She yelled, her face turning putple.
I think she has a headache.
They stopped and looked at her, still entangled in eachothers arms.
She started crying again, her heart completely broken now.
Not really feeling any sympathy.
She ran off, and they screamied behind her, trying to stop her, but she kep t running as fast as she could, which was fast for a human, but not as fast as a vampire.
Edward quickly caought up to her.
"I was just doing that to distract him to kill him."
"I don't care."
"You're the oee who cheated on my first."
"Fuck you."
She ran off again, leaving him behind.
She had sooooo many tears in her eyes, due to her heart being broken for the millionth time that day Um, no. It was the third., that she didn't see the cliff until it was right in front of her.
She stopped just in tie and stared over the edge.
'That's it, I'll kill myself,' she thought.
Why did she stop at the edge of the cliff to decided she was going to throw herself off of it? Logic, I mourn your absence.
So she threw herself off the enge of the cliff, not even screaming the whole way down.
Sue-icide: It's hardly ever successful.
She waited for a emmense pain, but it never came.
Awww, so she isn't going to Da Blak Kavern of Bloody Dezpair, to meet Twila and Dita Von Trees?
Instead, something warm and masculine, smeilling really good, too, nice and sweaty like they had been working out recently, caught her.
Now, who could this be?
She looked up into her saviors eyes.
GASP
It was Jacon.
Jacob? Jason? Bacon?
"Why would you do that?"
"Do what?"
"TRY TO KILL YOURSELF, YOU DAMN IDIOT."
"Because I'm so beautiful it is a curse?"
"Edward and Harry were making out."
"Who's Harry?"
Suspiciously logical question.
"A boy I met today. I really liked him, a lot. I think I loved him."
A bit easy, are you?
Jacob tenderly kissed her still crying eyes and held her close.
"I love you and I would never hurt you, Ariana."
"I think I like you, too."
Easy.
"Then can we be boyfriend and girlfriend?"
"Sure."
They then made out, Ariana completely forgetting about Edward and Harry.
Meanwhile, Edward and Harry were still making out in the forest, becoming more animalistinc, lusting, byt the second.
Please, no descriptions of "wands"!
They were ready to tear eachother apart out of love that's how mucg they loved eachother.
They had also forgotten abuit Ariana.
plz reviwe!
More Twila, more Tara, more Dally. Less Erin! Please! For the kittens!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 8:16:45 GMT -8
Well, Harry didn't think Snape was a vampire, he just thought he resembled a bat. xD Ooops, time for a complete re-read! I'll probably need the brain-conditioner it provides after this. Anyway, chapter 5. Complete with change of PoV:gaiz, havent u herd of "if u cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all?" dont be rude, okay? this is my first story so shut upThey are flaming your story because you are so obviously trolling. If you had pretended to be serious, by adding a little bit of horrific Ariana-abuse, you could have paired her up with Voldemort and gotten good reviews. But that probably says more about the readers than about you, darling troll. And face it. Good reviews are not what you want. My love for Edward and Harry was forgotten in a matter of days and my broken heart was soon healed by Jacob's sooth, masculine heart and hands (if you know what I mean ). Yeah, I think I do. Thank you for sparing us the details.I was glad that I had moved on. I had a much hotter and carting boyfriend now and he was better than the last thwo, who were now goig out with eachother., Harry was not exactly your BF, but meh...Harry transferred into out school Which is probably Mount St. Prepz Academy, saying something about how he couldn't go home yet because his broom broke when he smashed into my car. I only wish that I had been driving faster and hit him harder. That's how mych I hated the two now. Weren't you over him?But I puty hem behind me and settlied in nicely with Jacob. Plus, it was like habing a giant puppy to protect me at all times. He transferred into school so he could spend more time with me and we made sure we had no classes iwht Harry or Edward, or anny of the Cullens for that matter. Sure, you can just opt out of maths and English if they have people you don't like in them.Bella, as usually, was all alsone with her retarded human friends. I would be ocught dead before I was found hangying out with humans. So before you dated Edward, you were a loner? You sound more like a "mizentrope" goth than a prep.They're so smelly! I don't know hwo anyone can stand themselves or eachother. We don't have the enhanced sense of smell vampires have.Because I was only half vampire,m y sence of smell was not as good as the rest of the vampires, so I could only imagine what they smelled like to the cullens. Like strawberries, dear. Mmmmmm, strawberries....Byt, liiek I said before, screw the culles, screw Edward, and screw Hairy. I loved Jacob now. He was my one and only now and I expected that to be like the afor a while. He completed me. He was the yang to my yin. He was the chocolate to my peanut bbuter,. He was the leaves to my treer. He was key to my lock. He was the apples for my apple sauce. Does he even sing the Cuppycake gumdrop song to you? Because if he does, you need to keep him safe from the carpets!I loved him so much. The cullens did n't really like the fact that Edward chose a guy but fuck them. I don't give a shit. After all, he furst chose a stupid human to be his mate, so why did they a;most accept ger? Sheh was a complete idiot and I hate her. In fact I hate her so much that one day when I was going out with Edward, I beat her up behind the school while Edward watched. Just beat her up? In the fics that seem to have inspired this, she dies epically for the lulz!As she lay, bleeding, on the ground, Edward kissed me and we walked away, handin hand. Say what you want about snakes, they are probably more compassionate than this.But fuck Edward. I don't give a shit about him. Deep, deep the Nile.There's one thing I don't' get. Harry caries around a stick. I don't knowo why, You're a magical being yourself, and you don't know that wizards carry wands?Maybe it's a sex toy that I don't' know about? Don't get your imagination dirty.Whatever it is, I just don't get why he caries it around wherever he goes. He did say he was a wizard, write? Maybe that was his wand? It's not very majestic, if you ask em. Well, what did you expect a wand to look like? A giant Gandalf-staff. (Why did that sound dirty to my own ears?)But don't ask me because I don't erally guive a fuck about harry or his little wand/sex toy, what ever it si. Then kindly STFU about him.Anywasns, one day I ws walking dow the hallway, jacon had to stay behind to talk to our schiene teacher about some homework problems. I ws walking down the hllway when, suddenly, the cullens, no Edward was amoung them, cornered me. I shrank back, ready to fight. "we need your helo." Her hello? Her halo? Her help?"um… excuse me?" "You hear us." "Yeah, but I don't know hat you would need my helop with," "Edward, of course." "What about his?" "We want you to split Edward and harry up." "Sorrty, but I can't." "Can't or won't." "Won't." I tried to wak away , but the stopped my. "We weren't done yet." "oh, but ew aer/" "No, we're not." "What the hell do you gais want?" I'm pretty sure none of the Cullens are actually gay."Splut them up That sounds gross, and we'll leave the town, neer to return. How does that sound?" "Really good, actually." "So wioll you help us?" I smiled evily. My back mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, rings, earrings, nails, shirt with a white skull on it, skirt with silver chains, and army combat boots fitting the image my smile brought. Are you a goth now?"Of course I will. What exactly do you want me to do?" plz reveiw! but dont make them tl;drI only have one thing to say, I miss some originality. All your sources of inspiration became infamous because they stood out in the vast sea of badness that is ff.net. You need to throw in something new and unexpected.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 11:51:42 GMT -8
I'm afraid this isn't the most inspired trollfic I've ever read, but at least it hasn't been snarked before. As far as I know, anyway.i havnt gotten any reviews in a while so plz leave 1 even if its just a word or 2
After they dold me their plan, I immediately knew it waold work. Nobody can resist the lure of the Sue!So I went and told Jacob. He jumped on the chance to get rid of the Cullens and make sure they stared off his family's territory. So, after school, we put the plan to work. Harry and Edward left the school together, like they expected. They folowed them in their car and waited until edward lef Hairy behind in the car in order to go into the store. Back to 3rd persen PoV now?they then mede their mobe. Ariana knocekd on the windoe and Harry looked over at her in shock. She smiled at him and beckoned for him to stp out of the car. He did and once he did, she put on her best puty face. She was the best at school with that face and she knwe it. It's really nothing to be proud of."I'm so sorry that I yelled at you at Edward." "It's okay. I didn't realy expect us to get totgether in the first place." "Why did you get together?" "I dont know, we just had a connection." "He said he kissed you first in order to distract you." "He lied." "Then wnat happedned?" "He fell on top of me and acidently kissed me." Sure! And they've just stayed together ever since then."he tripped?" "Yes. And from there we couldn't stop. it woas like our lips were glued together, like our hearts were glued together as well. We coudn't be seperated by anything or anyone, not even, you Ariana. You're beautiful and wonderful, but my heart doesn't belong to you, it belongs to Edward and Edward alone." But Harry, you can't just reject the main character of a Sue fic!They were silent. Ahrry noticed Jacob in her car. "Do you love Jacob?" "Yes, I do." "That's good." It was selient again. Finally, feeling the pressuer of the time limity wien Edward would return, she put the plan into action. "Somone's looking for you." "Who?" "Some man. I don't know. He had his hood up all the time. He said you and him had something to settle." "You don't know what he looked like?" Like a man with his hood up, I reckon."No. But he had a... stick like you do." Please, let that mean wand. In the litteral sense.Ariana was really just making this up as whe went on, the tale of the imaginary person becoming more and more fantasy. "He had no noes, though." But she couldn't see him!She was really getting in to it now. "Oh, and he had a snake wiht him. A giant one, but it was like a pet. He had it wrapped around his neck like a fancy neckalace." Nagini is a little too large to wrap around anyone's neck. Except perhaps Hagrid's.His eyes widedned and she could have sworn that she saw horror in his eyes. "Voldemort!" She spelled it correctly!"Who? Oh, yes, that was his name. I remeber now. He said someting like that, but I thought he was sneexing." "Tell Edward that I'm sorry, but I have to go." Wimp.Her eyes widened. Yes! It had worked! Of course it had, though, the plamn seemed plawlses wehn the Cullens had told her it and it really had gone off without a hitch. "Where's my broom?" "The thing you were on when I hit you?" "Yes." "It's still in my trunk." "Good. OPen it please." She did as she aSked. He pointed his wand at the broomstick and mittered some words. The parts of the broom instantly flew together adn repaired itself. Ariana's jaw fropped. I suppose fropping, painful though it sounds, is better than falling off.He grabbed his broom, waved goodbye and jumped onto it. It levitated off the ground. Ariana's eyes almost popped out. But I'm sure she still looked attractive while they did."Harry!" It was Edward, yelling at him. "Sorry, I have to go Edward. I love you, but this is goodbye." And then he sailed off, into the sky. Hopefully to never bee seen agin, thought Ariana as she barely managed to hide her evil, happy smile. Awwww, now she is a proper, cruel protagonist.She got back into the car and drove away, leaving Edward on his hands and knees, crying tears of sorrow. plz reviwe!Since I suspect that you actually lurk on here, I'm going to say a few words. (Let's face it, this sub-forum is one of the best compilations of badfics there is. Not many others have such an extensive knowledge of the more obscure horrors dealt with here.)
The main problem with this fic is that it is almost boring. All of the "famous" fanfics that I'm sure you've read, were incredibly amusing from the first chapter on. I'm going to point out some highlights of what made these fics get so many people's attention.
My Immortal: -Pretty much invented both the Goff-Sue and the long-name-template in its first paragraph. -Reinvented pretty much every single canon character in a hilariously OOC way. (You'll have to be taking HP much too seriously if you don't think Avril-fan Dumbledore is funny.) -The horrible spelling and grammar set a whole new standard of badness. Lupin masticating, anyone? However, this is not as funny as it used to be, because everyone started copying it. -The horrible sex-scenes. Nuff said. -Introduced the musical-style EMO song-drops and the watching of "goffik" movies as a remedy for depression. -And best/worst of all: It may not be a trollfic at all!
Twila: -One of the best copies of MI ever written, and it makes fun of Twilight. -Manages to be even funnier than MI in many ways. The jokes are so obviously deliberate. -Hamez! Spent some time in Puerto Rico and can now only speak Spanfish. Temporarily blinded for life by Edward's gloriosus teeth. -Bibby Brown/Bolly Black running in on his wheelchair and performing Cemetary Drive, only to be murdered by the Cullens. Who fail to realize why Jacob gets pissy and leaves. -Suddenly they killed Bella, and ate her bed so there would be no evidenzence. -Da Black Cavern of Bloody Dezpair, where Dita Von Trees lives! -Hamez killed them. They died. They are now ghost vampires.
Face the Strange: -Manages to insult (*counts*) 9 fandoms. -It was probably not meant to be a trollfic originally, but it seems it was always intended as a comedy rather than an angsty fic. Dally just failed to realize how bad it was at first. -It is so over the top in its self-righteous hatred of Dumbledore and "faggots" you don't know whether to laugh or be shocked. -But however trashy and offensive, it does have some half-baked plot and a lot of stuff actually happens in each chapter. -Again with the squicky sex scenes. They are classics. -As is Dally's two-day pregnancy and Edwart's rivalry with Hiei. -Platinum Billy. -The revenge chapter! OK, so the person being insulted was pretty agressive towards Dally, but eeeeeeeh! -Edwart is a bad guy! For a while, at least. -Dally went a step further in her effort to mangle the English language, and used back-and-forth automatic translation, leaving a whole lot of Dutch and some pretty unreadable passages. -The illustrations! Nuff said.
Forbidden Fruit: -The mancarrot! -The panda! -It starts out seeming like a much more serious fic than the above three, making the mancarrot and panda come as much more as a shock.
Erin's Stuff: -She offends everyone. Absolutely everyone. She's someone you can feel good about hating. -The Bus to Apocalypse!
Ariana's Stuff: -Now, this is insanity at a whole new level! -Like Dally, she manages to offend a whole slew of fandoms. However, she abuses a very unusual fandom by dragging The Kite Runner into the mix. It is definitely not the kind of book an average teenaged fantasy fan would read. -She uses the word 'sociopath' as a compliment. And people are pretty casual about Assef's sociopathy and buttrapistness. And it is his surname. -Human/panda babies. -Characters change gender at the flick of the space-bar. -The piss has life of its own!!!
And the forgotten gem:
Lady of Sorrow: -Revealed to be a trollfic, but caused a LOT of hatred and an ED article. -Pretty much invented the Very Unusual Similes that Ariana is so fond of these days. A whole page of them were used on poor John Barrowman! -The songbird heralding the dawn. -Dad is preppy. Let's kill him. -Edward is actually the main character's father. He gave birth to her through his Disco Stick when they lived in the past for a year. This doesn't stop them from incesting after they find out. -Oh, and it was Darkness herself who impregnated Edward with her future self. -And Dr Who is in it.
So, if you want to become a successful badficcer in 2011, this is what you are up against. Good luck.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 17, 2011 13:55:42 GMT -8
^Wow. This fic. It's just a pale, lame copy of the better trollfics you mentioned.
And… Lady of Sorrow ? That's one I didn't know about. I'll have to look it up.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 17, 2011 14:10:25 GMT -8
Lady of Sorrow is still up on ff.net, it survives because it has rather proper grammar and spelling. And lots and lots of weird metaphores. Enjoy!
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 17, 2011 20:09:26 GMT -8
^OOOOOH maybe I should do that one next. Too many good ones!
ALso, you're right. This thing just pales in comparison. Great job snarking it, though.
Also also, there's so much other good stuff about BL. Like Brian! And the party hat kittens!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 6:55:51 GMT -8
^OOOOOH maybe I should do that one next. Too many good ones!
ALso, you're right. This thing just pales in comparison. Great job snarking it, though.
Also also, there's so much other good stuff about BL. Like Brian! And the party hat kittens! Thanks! And I have to admit, I didn't manage to pay too much attention during BL, because I was consumed with rage during most of it. There was also the Pope and Jesus making Deus Ex Machina appearances, the city of Canada which was cold and bigger than Forks, Zombie-Emmett and Jacob being Fernando the gardener and vice-versa. Ugh, I basically hate BL.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 18, 2011 8:52:17 GMT -8
Jacob being Fernando and vice-versa… As well as Fatnando. I still think Jacob's got multiple personalities, and dresses as a Mexican when he's Fernando, and… I don't know about Fatnando. We all hate BL. But personnally, I also love it. No trollfic has ever brought so much lulz to me. Don't know why ^_^ As for this Lady of Sorrows… OMG it's over thirty chapters long. I don't even have time to read the Nezushi fluff Puzzle sent me, so I'll read that troll… someday. Lol.
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 18, 2011 11:17:23 GMT -8
Aaaaaugh! MY EYES! My poor, poor eyes! Augh, that badfic.
Good job, awesome find, and some excellent comparisons to explain just WHY this fic's so bad even for a troll.
Honestly, I didn't realize quite how bizarre choosing The Kite Runner is, because at my high school kids in eleventh or twelfth grade standard-level English had to read it. She's definitely standard level, don't you think?
Adding to this, while she doesn't ape 30 Hs, it's quite possibly one of the ultimate troll fics because it's clear the author isn't taking himself seriously, it's clear he meant it to be a troll fic, and you will either find it horrifying, hilarious, or both. Plus, it takes purple prose to an art form. You can't riff on it, because there's literally nothing you can riff on. What comments can you make other than staring in shock and your head exploding?
I shall have to make a note of Lady of Sorrow. That one might be entertaining.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 13:33:25 GMT -8
I reckon Ariana must have had to read The Kite Runner in school, not liked it much and decided to get "revenge" on it by using it in her troll-overs. I don't know, but... that book just strikes me as really incompatible with any and all of the other fandoms she abuses. Maybe she chose it for the very reason that it is such a serious book, and thought it would really provoke a reaction? On with the snarking!AN: sry this iz such a short chapter gaiz. but the negative reviews hve gotten me down. I feel for you, Sammy.The Cullens did ad they had promised and mobed away. Ariana really hopedc tha tthey had moved to a nother country so she would nebver have to see any of them ever ever ever ever agian. Canada far enough for you?This was because she had all of their guts soooooooo much. I hope she had them in a suitable container.In fact, if she ever saw them again she wold try to kill them all. At least as a half vampire she would have a better chance tahn a human, like the bitch Bella. Yeah. Remember the newborn army?Speaking of Balla, she was antohter person that Ariana had to get rid of. And here comes the Bellacide.If she didn't ten she and Jacoub couldn't habve a nice life together as long as that bitch was still hanging around and breathing. Care to explain why Bella has such power over your love-life? Even a crazy ass-pull of an explaination will do.she needed to come up with a plan, and fast, that would work and get rid of Bella, that horrible real life mary-sue. I only see one Mary-Sue here.Ariana hated mary sues, both real life and in stories. Sure she did. Too bad her author Sammy didn't. Not that she read much, though, she mostly made out with Jacob in her spare time. Which explains why she is such an airhead.In fact, she made ot with him so much that she hardly ever did her homeowrk. Sounds like she's going to have fun not going to college, and working some boring job instead.Jacob did hers for her and his own homework. While she was making out with him?Thtat's what made hism the sweetedt, best boyfirend. Ever. In all of existance. She loved him sooooooo much. Probably equal in love to what she hated the cullens, edeard, hariy, and Bella with. Good to see she's got emotional balance, then.That's how much she loved him. It was neverending love and she would never fall out of it. Ever. She promised herself that. Yeah, until Draco shows up in leather pants.So she told Jacob that she wanted to get rid of Bella and he jumped on to the idea of gtting rid of that worthles bitch. After all, she was wasting their available oxygen justy by existing and they couldn't have that. OK, asspull of explaination provided. I forgive you, Sammy.So together they came up with a plan so good and foil proff that they just had to set it into motion. The next day would be when tyhey started it. If their plan worked perfectly then by next week Bella would be gone. In fact, if it did work perfectly, then she would never be seen by anyone agian. Not her classmates. Not her techers. Not her parents. Not the police, which sort of involved her parents. Not Jacob. And, best of all, not Ariana. No one would see her orr hear of her ever again. That was the best way. OK, finally something happens. But Twila and FTS raised the bar really high with their Bella-murders. I'm not sure you can deliver.plz review and b nice!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 13:58:25 GMT -8
AN: thank u 4 da nice review, Shra! i'll keep up this sotry even if its just 4 u. Airana and Jacon put the paln into motion the nest day. They met Bella outside the school after school had ended. They had slipped her a note at lunch telling her that they neede dto talk to her, that they were concernted about her now that Edward, the one who she used to love, had left town. Using her weakness for Edward, that's really nice...It was nearing winter and their breth was curling in the cool air. When it isn't their tears behaving irrationally, it's ther breath. The sun was behind the cloudns, so Ariana was abel to wear clothes that showed off soem of her skin. Jacob, being a werewolf, didn't feel the cold that much. As a result, Jacon was currently taking hsi shirt off, his impressive stobney abs coming into view. Sexah? Arians tryed not to lok at them Only the Aryans? All other ethnicisities were staring?, but he could tell that she was thinking about them by the blush that came to hwer cheeks. Hasn't she seen them multiple times before?He smiled and pulled her close, "You liek what you see?" She giggled and turned her face into his chest, "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Though it would be better to see you with no clothes on." She gave him a devilish grin, her black lipsticked lips giving her a lustful look. That confirms she's a goth now, doesn't it?"Um, hello," a voice came from in front of them. They both tunred to look at the speaker, trying ont to show thier anoyance on their face. I'd be more impressed if they could show it on their asses. It was Bella and she was tugginh on her hair and chewing on her bottom lip, like usual. Ariana often wondered how Bella hadn't chewed through her lip right now. That was a form of suicide, right? If you are a poisnous snake, yes. LIke biting off your tongue? You don't die from that, only lose some eloquency. So if she chewed off her lip, then she would bleed to death and die and theat would be the end of her. Yeah, but since Bella probably has nerve endings in her lips and can tell if she's biting too hard, that's probably not going to happen.But that would be hard to get her too do. She ws stupid, but not that stupid. So, they had to go ahead with their own plan instead. It ws time to start the plan. She glanced at Jacob, letting him know to start. "Edward's back." She looked at him, her mouth open and she looked like a fish. "Wha-Wha-What?" She sounded like a fish, too. "Edward's back," he repeated and Ariana heard annoyane in his voice and barely kept the smile off of her face. "Where? Where is he? Why are you telling me this?" She sounded deperate, like she needed to see him right now or she would die. Well they would help her with that. Why do I have a feeling that it is not seeing him they are going to help her with?"He said that he ws sorrry he ever broke up with you and that he loved you. He wants to meet you again. He even said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you and wants to run away with you." That must be her dream come true, eh?"Does that mean he'll turn me into a vampire?" She sounded so hopefull that they almost busted a gut, but managed to turn their laug into a cough. Yes. That's what it means Bella. "Yes, he's willing to turn you into a vampire in order to live with you forever." "Oh, where is he?" She was crying out of happiness. This is actually rather IC for Bella."He said you have to go pack and say goodbye to your dad before you meet him." "Okay, I'll go do that right now." "We'll meet back here, okay?" "Okay." She ran to her car and drove off. There were silent for a while. "Told you that she would fall for it. She's incredibly stupid." "I can't believe that I ever liked her." Sorry to inform you, Jacob/Jacon/Jason, but your new GF is not exactly Einstein either.They got into her car and began making out in the back seat until Bella came back. The straitened thier clothes and brushed their hair bakc into order and then pulled out of the parking lot, Bella following htme. The drobe for a while, Bella still following htem, until the came to the ocean with the forest on the other side. They pulled ot the side of the road and got out of the car. "Where is he?" Bella asked. "Right here," Ariana said, punching her in the face and knocking her out cold. Nice.Jacob put her back into the car and drove the car so it faced the cliff. He got out and Ariana put a rock on the accelerator. The car shot ober the edge of the cliff and into the water below. That's an incredibly mundane murder. This is not a cop story. Next time, you'll need to think of something more interesting.The smiled at the sight of her truck slashing into the water and sinking out of sight. No one would ever find her becaues no one swam in thte area, as it was too rought of waters to survive. They smiled evily, kissed and held hands as they walked back to the car. Why do I have a feeling that Bella is not exactly dead?review!
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 18, 2011 14:06:31 GMT -8
…She just mentioned Mary Sues. In a Suefic. This gets really meta here, if you stop and think about it. Or is it just me ?
Yay Bellacide ! Or, yay Bellacide… Why do all Sues feel the need to either erase Bella out of existence or kill her ? I mean, Bella has two suitors — no, Jacob/Nessie doesn't count and never happened and what are you even talking about ? The good thing about it is that the Sue could get her twu wuv and still leave Bella alone with the other. But no, all Sues need all men to adore her, it seems. Then again, I guess they wouldn't be Sues otherwise.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 14:22:52 GMT -8
AN: sry 4 da wait, gaiz! heres da 9th ch! We're not all gay, you know.Ariana abd Jacob thought they were in the clear after that. Harry had left to go look for a man that never existed, Edwards was in another country, and Bella was dead, but ehr parents thought she had left as well. Things were going perfectly for tem. Not for long, I suspect. That would make this story even less exiting than it already is.The field that she and Edward used to lie in was now onely for them. Unfortanely, the flowers were all dead because it was cold, but is was still pretty with the snow on ti and Jacob always held her closely in ehr arms, keeping her warm. Yeah, but lying in the snow doesn't sound too comfy. No mention of any blankets.They loved wachother with out a care in teh corld. But that world was about to come crasing down on them. Yayyyyy! Justice! SOmeone they never expected to seeagain in their entire lives sudenly showed up on ariana's doorstep one day, exhausted and covered in dirt. Zombella?Ariana stared out at the boy in horror. Oh, it's a boy."What the hell are you doing here?" She managed to squeak out. The boy looked up at her, looing faint, "I just can't seem to stay away from this city." He hoistee up his brom and set it against theh side of her house. "How abot we start over, huh?" He extended his hand, "My name is Harry POtter's what's yours?" "Ariana Veressa Midnight Chives Mary-Sue Celestia Sparklypoop Rosegarden," She said, hesitantly, reaching out to grasp his hand in hers. They shook hands and then their hands dropped back to their sides lke useless things. Not like a horse riding an old man out of town? They staerd at eachother, Ariana waiting for him to ask her why she lied to him abiout the man. But he never did. Just because it was a lie doesn't necessarily mean it wasn't true."What are you doing back here?" "I left to go fight, but now my enemy has gone bcak underground and I can't find him. It's safer for me and my freinds if I don't go to shcool, which is a place he would expect me to go back to. Now he'll have to search for me instead." Coward!"Oh, okay." She said, lamely, "Want to come in?" "Sure." He came in and she offered him a seat, which he took. She then went to go call Jacob about htis unseen event. "He's back!" She hissed into the phone when he ansered. "Who's back?" "The wizard boy, Harry POtter!" "What? What's he doing back here?" "I don't know, but he said that he was hinding from his enemy, that it was safer he then it is at his school because his eney doesn't know hwere he is when he's here, but he would know where he was if he was at his school. So he came here to hide out and keep his friends and himself safe frmo harms way brought to him by his enemy." "That sounds susupicious." Yeah. He probably knows you killed Bella."I thought so, to, but it looks like he's been through hell and abck! He's completely dirty and has mutliple cuts. His clothes are in disarray, as well." "MAybe he's just playing the part." "Maybe, we'll se. For now, I'll act like nothing is wrong." This probably includes her cheating heart clutching onto him again. Goodbye, Jacon!"good plan. Call me if you want me to come down to your place." "will do." He was about to hang up when he added, "I love you, Ariana." "I love you, to, Jacob." For now...Their call ended and she went back into the room where Harry was sitting. "Who was that?" "A call I needed to make to a friend. Why don't you fgo take a shower because oyu're cobered in dirt." "Alright, thanks. Where's the bathroom." "Down the hallways, first door on the right. I'll go get you some clothes." Isn't he a bit smaller than Jacob? He'll look like he did when he inherited his clothes from Dudley.He went into the bothroom and she ran out of the house, going to Bella's house. MAkeing sure the dad wasn't ther, she stole some of his clothes, then ran back hom. Oh so he's Charlie's size. She set them ouside the bathroom door. Harry finished his shower. "Did you get me some spare clothes?" "Yeah, theyu're out here." She walked away so he could grab them, but, as he did, he slipped and fell, sliding out in to the hallway, right in Ariana's view. He stood up, completely naked and all out there. Ariana blused as she saw just how well builyt the boy was for his skinny stature. I think I know what she means by that...Embarrased, he grabbed the clothes, apologized, and went back intop the bathrom. She went and sat down at the dinning room table and could feel, in horror, the feelings she used to hae for him risiong to the surface once more. I knew it! Sammy, that was fail at plot twists.plz review!
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Post by annaofcrazyland on Oct 18, 2011 14:31:30 GMT -8
I love how the main character hates Mary Sues, despite being one. xD
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 14:51:27 GMT -8
AN: sry 4 da wait, gaiz! here u go! a new ch! Also, danks, sord for anoder great reciew! ur much betta dan da other pplHarry emerged from the hallway, his air still wet from the hsower. She got up and ruffled his hari, then withdrrew it just as quick in shock at what she hsd done. At least she didn't jump on him and kiss him. She is actually a rather chaste Sue.The man she hated for stealing the lover, the man who madde her life hell, that damn wizard, and she jsut touched him. Ans she's going to do a lot more, right?Hell, what was the boy doing in her house? Hiding from the man with no nose? SHe shyould have thrown him off of the porch as soon as she saw him. But she looked at him agian and barely managed to keep the blush away. The blothes were a little baggy on him, but looked good on him anyways. His wet brown hair It's black, actually was arelady going every direction, like it did when it was dry. Hsi lightning shapped scar was almost mystifying, like it was staring her down. No, that is just Voldemort's mangled soul fragment. She couldn't help bnut want to reach out and touch it again. It put her in a relaxed state, like eerything was okay when she saw it. Not another Voldemort romance, please.There was something depp about that scar, some story to tell about it and, while she did care, she didnt' awant to ask him aout it. No way in hell was she ging to have a converstaion like that with him. Yeah, because he stole Edward from her, so she could be totally happy with Jacon instead. She has every reason to hate him.For one, it was too deep and she jsut wanted to get rd of him again as soon as she could. That meant catering to his needs before kicking him out once more, amybe to send him to stay in the Cullen's empty house. It was definitely big enough. Yeah, but don't you think they sold it to new owners?For another reason, she didn't want to care about his again. She was afriad that if he told the story of his scar to her, she would once agian fall under his spell (get it? cuz hes a wizrd? LOOL) That's hardly even a pun. and wouldn't be able to fall out of it. She didn't really want to fall in love with him again. I doubt she's going to be able to resist. She's making Dally seem the faithful, steady kind.But as she stared at her with his gorgeous, big, kind, warm green eyes, she coudlnt help but feel her heartbeart grow faster. No! She coulden't! Ariana quickly turned away. "Do ou want some food before you leave?" "Um, sre," He mumbled. She gestured to a dining room chair and he ast down. She coldn't help but stare at his butt as he did so. Ariana ran away to the kitchen at the thouht of lovingh him. Ohhh the angst! The drama! She quickly made his a turkey sandwich. First she lay out two pieces of bread, then she spread miracle whip on one slice, mustard on the oterh. Then she placed some lettuch on the miracle whip side, chedar cheese on the mustard side. Then she placed some turkley sliced on those and closed it. Oh, so that is how making a sandwich is done!Then she cut the sandwich in half, palcing it on a plate that was blue and white with little puppy dog prints along the rim. Ariana had alwasys loved dogs. Maybe tjat was why she loved Jacob so much. He was like a big, fluffy, nice, warm, companionable puppy dog to her and she loved him. Pluhhhh!She brought the sandwich out and put it in front of Harry. "What do you want to drink?" "Do you have any tea?" "Actually, yes, I do. I like tea. What kind?" "What kidn do you have?" "I have Earl Grey, Ceylon, Assam, Keemun, Chai, Green tea… which one do you want?" "earl gray sounds good, I guess." Sammy, this is incredibly boring!!!She filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. He was half way done with his tea by the time it becan to scream like a wounded animal. Harry jumped visibly at the sound. She pured the water into a mug, putting the teabag in to the boiling water to soak. She handed the mug to Harry, who accepted it with a smile. This is not how you write a trollfic! They are supposed to be all about the lulz. Do you see any lulz here?Immediately, I was sucked into his smie, like they were a white hole, a pearly, white, set of teeth like a picket fence, one with children behind it, running in the yrad. And here is a weird simile. And a change of PoV.Suddenly, without noticing it, Harry leaned up and kissed me. I drew back, but then came forward again and kissed him. He tasted of sandwich. Well, thank goodness he hadn't just eaten gorgonzola!He goy up from his seat and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. I groaned and moved closer, pressing my lips against his. Just when it felt like things were about to become heavier, I heard someone at my back door. I pused Harry away and we starred at the back door, waiting. The door nob jiggled and then it opened. It was… EDWARD. Oh noes, prepare for the golems!wat iz trolling? i m just writing, ppl, so plz review niclyYes, that was trolling. And not very well.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 15:19:58 GMT -8
AN: dere. i trid to spel beter in ma stry. stop cmplaning bout it nao. also wat is a troll? n wat iz dis my immortal you gaiz keep tklng about. could u lnk me 2 it?
cutin: sexul cntentYou mean we finally get squick?tHEY didn't pul away, though. They were unashamed of their love. Instead they stared Edward down, Ariana wondering why he had come back and why his family had broken the promise that he would never return. Plus, how had he kknown that Harry was back, or did he come back for another reason? "You killed Bella, you bastards!!!""What are you doing here, Edwerd?" Ariana asked, coolly, pressing her face against Harry's chest. But he ignored her. That would have sounded like "mbhnh nnh bvnhhmm wmhnnh?""Harry? What are you doing back here?" "Ariana has this effect on me. I just had to come back, just to see her" Black hole Sue!They looked at eachother then Harry looked at Ariana, "You're not going out with him, are you?" "No, I;m going out with Jacob, but I can brek up with him at anytime." Lovely."So your cheating on him with me?" "I guess..." He pulled away, but Ariana drew him back. "Please don't leave again. Don;t leave me again. I was deviestaed when you left me the first time for HIM." She glared at Edward as she said this, and he stumbled back as though her words had punched him in the crotch. OK, that was probably the highlight of this miserable fic.Ariana looked up at Harry with tears in her eyes. "You won't leave me again, right?" "Not if I can help it, he murmerd, kissing the top of her head. But will SHE stay faithful? That is the £ 1 000 000 question here.Edward started moving towards them but Ariana snaped her steal eyes to his, glaring him down. "I believe you left the city, Edward, never to come back. Am I correct in thinking so?" He gulped, "Yes, you are." "Then why are you here?" "I had too see you. I never really got to say goodbye and I really wanted to see you again. I love you, Ariana. You have some pull on me, just like how you have a pull on everyone else, it seems. LIke Harry and Jacob." Yes! My Black Hole theory is working!"Well,, goodbuy. That's all I need. You can leave now, Edward, and leave us in peace." "Okay." He left. Just like that? No Heroic BSOD? No seizure on the floor?She snuggled up to HArry and he pressed closer to her. The began to kiss, mkaing out like there was no tomarow. They went to the couch and laid down, Harry ontop on ariana. They continued to kiss, oblevius to the world. Lightning boomed outside and rain began to fall. But they didn't care. It was like someone glued their bodies together and they didn't care if they came apart anytime soon. They began to undress, slowly but surly untill they were just in their underware. Jacob softly kissed her neck, leavuing a trail of drool down to her clevege. Ariana and Harry completely undressed and then they did it right there on the couch in the middle of the thunderstorm, they noise drowning out thier crys of pleasure. Not even an IKEA "this goes here"?Once done, he removed his stick OK, that counts. and they lay side by side on the couch, listening to the storm and the breathing of the other. They felt at peace disspite the caos outside. Ariana felt safe next to Harry, as he held her in his strong, yet thin arms. She could feel the strong muscles in them, even thought they weren't big, like JAcob's or Edwards, whose was medium big. They were small, but still strong and Ariana liked that about him. Thank goodness you only compare their biceps!It showed that you didn't have to be big and masuculine to stil be strong, loving, protecting, masculine and downright sexy. True. Especially not when he has magical powers that can whoop the other two's butts.She turned to burry her face into his chest, a smile on her face. Harry's chest is mostly composed by his ribcage and some skin. Good luck burying your face in that. She loved him and that was all that mattered. She loved him more then Edward and Jacob combine harvester (sorry, had to toss in a FarmVille referance... ). He was her soul mate, she was sure of it. After all, she had just given her firgnity to him. Ahaaa, so she didn't ever sleep with Jacob. Purity Sue's are a rare breed these days!They fell asleep in eachothers arms, Jacon already forgotten and was sure to be broken up with the next morning. plz revew
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 15:41:21 GMT -8
AN: sry 4 da wait butt i waz bsy with life. u under stand, rite? That is very assuring to hear. When she woek up in the morning, she made some tee for the both of them since they both loved tea so much. She liked tee because of the taste, even though most people called it leave juice, she didn't care be cause it tasted delishious to her and that was all that mattered. Screw the non-believers! Harry like tee because, well, he was english, not american, that;s why. I'm sure there are some Americans who enjoy tea. And I know for sure there is at least one Englishman in existance who doesn't! They drink a lot of tea there and even have a tea time in the afternoon when they take time to drink tee and biscuits, which are not actually biscuits, but cookies. Thank you for the lesson on British culture.Ariana would love to live in england and she hoped Hariy would take her home with her. It was something she planned to bring up with him, the england issue, because he would probably want to go back home to his friend He has two, actually. and she really had no one here she wanted to stay for Didn't she have a dad in a previous chapter?, so of course she would go with him to his home and live with him forever with tee. A 'tee' is the little thingy you put the golf ball on.That was because she loved him and wanted to live with him forever. Of course, she'd have to turn him into a vampire if he wanted the same thing so they could stay the same age forever. How are you going to achieve that. You've pretty much alienated all the vamps you know. Unless Ariana's mostly unmentioned vampire parent counts. Ariana had already stopped aging and would stay this age until she was hunted down and killed, which she never planned on happening because she was too smart for that. She may not act like it, but she always got a 4.0 in class even if she didn't pay attentnion to the lesson. At least you admit she acts like a moron. Of course, she had taken the class years before She only had ONE class. The others had dumb people in them, remember, but still, she got a 4.0 and was the smartest kid in the school. That says something about Forks High. Kids always asked her for help in homework, not like she always gave it, though. No, she was busy making out and couldn't even do her own. And some jocks would pay her to do their homework for them. Of course those stupid hot jocks would fail the tests, but they would get 100% on their homework because I was just that smart. OK, so she is basically the all-knowing nerd no one likes. That is why she has no friends, not because she is to cool for them. I opened the drawer of tea and put the kettle on the stove. Then I went and woke up Harry. I wasn't ashamed of my naked body around him. After all, he was naked, to. He woke up with a grin on his face and gave her a kiss on the stomach as he stood up. He was quite short, really, only an inch taller then me. Question: If Ariana is the "I", then who is the person he kissed on the tummy?"How was your night?" He asked. She smiled, "It was good. Yours?" "Magnificent." He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips and then they began to make out, practically dry humping eachother It's not really dry humping when they are both in the buff. because they loved eachother so much and wanted to feel the other's skin so much on theirs because of their love, which was infinite at this point. The kettle began to shreek, so they let eachother go. While Harry went and got the tee prepared, she got dressed. She put on a black, silkey dressed that hugged her figure with a red belt with a plastic rose on it. Around her neck she wore a necklace that had fake fangs on it hung on a black chain that clasped in the back. She wore earrings that looked like little red bows and had a couple silver bracelts on both wrists that jangled when she moved. On her feet was a pair of black high heeled shoes that were pointy by the toes, good for kicking someone. That sounds like something the real Ariana would wear on one of her less slutty days.She came back down stairs and Harry said she looked beautiful before he got back in his clothes that he had. They let the tea packets soak into the watter for a while and Airana went to work making breakfast. She made toast, then cut a cirle out of the mittle of them, then put a fried egg inside the hole. It reminded her of last night We don't want to know. and she blushed. he saw her blush and held her tight, kissing her on the neck line. Finally, everything was ready and they sat down with their breakfast and tee and ate it while their legs were intwined underneath the table. The felt like if a minute went by where they didn't touch eachtother out of love, they would explode because their love for the other would become to over welming to beer and they would just die. So, the kept touching eachother. This is turning into Twilight canon. No likey!Suddenly, through the door that they had forgotten to lock barged in... JACON. plz revew
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 16:29:41 GMT -8
Only two more chapters written yet, might as well get them done with.AN: hres da nects ch, gaiz! hope u liek it! Jacob took one look at them before angrily yelling "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING! STOP TOUCHING YOUR GIRLFRIEND." So you admit that she is his GF now, do you Jacob? Ariana got in front of Harry. "Go away!" She yelled. "I don't love you anymore, I love Harry Potter because he is something special and different compared to you and Edward. He's special to me!" Jacob stared at her, sad. "Why?" He asked. 'Because I love him, Jacob." He left sadly. None of these boys have any spine. What happened to rivalry and fighting for love? Edward vs Hiei was funny, at least.She turned back to Harry with a smile and kissed him. As it turned out she didn't have to be the one to ask him weather he was going back to england or not because he was the one who asked her. "Do you want to go back to england with me?" He asked. "Of course!" She yelled and hugged him. He pulled out his wand, she knew what it was now, and mumbled a few words and, before she knew it, they were in england. You forgot to mention the part where it feels like they are being squeezed through a garden hose.She could tell it was england because of all of the people with bad teeth Ooooh, what have we here? Finally something to insult a good portion of your readers., though Harry had really good, white teeth that were adorable when he smiled and kissed her on the lips or the neck or the chest or arm or legs or anywhere, really, and because everyone was speeking in the same cute accent that Harry had, and because they wore socks with their sandals Isn't that the White South African stereotype? and all the gardens and parks were beautifuly green and beautiful and blooming in full colour (Hehe, I spelled it the english way, see? ) and it seemed to briighten up the place. Wasn't it winter? When it is winter in Forks, it is winter in England too.She locked hands with Harry and they started walking. "Where are we going?" She asked. "Somewhere normal humans can't go." He answered. The Blak Cavern of Bloody Dezpair? Papa Blood's? She kept quiet and kept walking in anticipation. Where could he be taking her? Was it somewhere where only wizards and the likes went because he said it was where normal humans could't go? Or could they go there, but they usually didn't because they didn't know of the existnce of it. (See, she's smart. ) No, she's still stupid, and will be so until she starts behaving like she is smart.It turned out to be the latter. They entered a pub and made their way to the back and into the storage room. They entered the room and Harry said something while tapping a pattern of bricks on the back wall. He stood back and she did to, still holding onto his hand. The wall began to shift and move, the bricks began to fold back, moving back to create a giant hole in the wall. OK, so you've read the first book. I'm impressed.Through the hole came sunlight, very warm and bright. It was almost inviting, it seemed. They stepped through and they were in a street crowded with people of all ages, shapes and sizes and wearing all kinds of outfits, from the normal things you'd imagine a witch wearing, including the tall pointy hat that you would see them wearing in a childrens' story, to normal street clothes like buttoned up shirts and jeans or nicer pants with tennis shoes or nicer shoes with white socks or black socks, depending of the rest of their outfit. In other words, they wore clothes. And thank goodness for that, because if this had actually been a real Ariana-fic, at least some of them probably wouldn't have.People greeted Harry as they made their way down the street. Everyone seemed to know him, Ariana noted, surprised. Little kids excidedly pointed at him and ran to their parents, tugging on their sleeves to show them who was walking down the street. The street itself was fantastical and you could almost feel the magic in the air like it was humming. Doesn't it feel nice to have a non-loser BF?It had building and stores all along the side of the cobbled street. each store had something different to offer. She saw a book store, a cauldren store, an owl store, wand store, a clothing store, hat store, and much much more. It was almost too much to take in. She grupped hary's hand tighter in hers and they continued walking down the fantastic street. "Harry!" Someone yelled behind them and they turned to see a group of people running towards them. Now, who could that be?plz revew!At least they are not in Forks anymore. I actually hate it when cross-overs are set in Forks. It is too dull to be the backdrop of a good trollfic.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 16:56:51 GMT -8
AN: sry 4 da lng wit, u gaiz! i got distrctd by skool! agn, sry!
"Hello, Hairy!" They all yelled, crashing into him with a giant hug. Taken by surprise, they gropu fell over under the suddenness of it all, Arian feeling out of it all, since she was left standing staring at all of them, wondering what to do and who they were.
They were obciously his friends. Noone else would greet someone like that unless they were friends or relatives so they were definitely his friends because she hadnt heard anything about him habing any family members, at least that she knew of.
Oh I dunno. You greeted Harry pretty warmly both times he showed up in your house.
For some reason she always thought of Harry as an orphan, someone with out parents just like her. But she had parents a few chapters ago. The parents who were out when she brought unconscious Harry into the house. She didn't know why, but it was just the way she felt about him. Maybe it was because of the way he acted, so kind and unselfish, like he cared for others in some way.
You don't have to be an orphan to be a decent person.
They got up and stared at her. "Hey, who's this, Harry?" A red head asked. There were a lot of red heads, now that she looked at all of them. They all looked the same to, which probably meant they were all from a red headed family.
Yes, that would be the Weasleys.
The thought of an entire family with fire hair and tempers to match made her laugh on the inside, because she did not want to insult them in any way beause they were Harry's friends and she wasnted them to be her friends as well because that is what good girlfriends do, they treat their boyfriend's friends like their frineds.
And kill their ex's...
"Hi, I'm Ariana Veressa Midnight Rosegarden and I'm Harry's girlfriend. It's nice to meet you," She smiled wide at them, her teeth flashing and, along with them, her fangs. Campires don't have fangs, Sammy. (I'm stealing the word 'campire', I hope nobody minds. It's a better pun than "sparklepire".) She realized just then that she was standing in the sun and she glanced down at her hands to see that her skin was glowing in the sun, like her skin always did in the sun because she was a half vampire and that's what they did in the sun. She quickly tried to cover her skin, but they had already noticed that it was glowing.
Being wizarding folk, they probably wouldn't think anything of it.
"Um, harry, is your gf glowing?"One of the girls asked, scred. She was quite pretty, Ariana had to admit. She had brown hair with highlights in it that was slightly curly. She had it pulled back in a French braid. She wore a t-shirt for some band that Ariana didn't recognize the name of Possibly because Hermione listens to other bands than just MCR and Evanesence? and jeans over some tennis shoes.
"Um…" He glanced over, "Yes, she is. But it's perfectly normal for her, so don't worry about it." "What? How is that normal, harry?" One of th red heads asked. This one seemed to be the second youngest of the red heads, with a girl that was younger than him.
"She grew up next to a nuclear plant. Nothing to worry about."
In all, there were four red heads. Two of them looked the same, so she figured that they were twins. But one was missing an ear, so she was glad she could tell the difference between them that way, at least.
If George is missing an ear, then Fred should be dead. Or maybe this is during that year that was supposed to be the trio's 7th. Nah, not much wizarding war going on here, is it?
Harry put his arm around her shoulder and whispered to them, "She's a half vampire, guys. That's why." "What does that have to do anything with it?" They asked. "Because full vampires sparkle in the sunlight, but half vampires just glow in the sunlight, that's why."
Didn't even Hermione pay attention during Magical Creatures class?
"Vampires… sparkle in the sunlight? I don't know, Harry. For vampires that just sounds a little too gay." At the same time Ariana and Harry declared, "It's beautiful, majestic, and amazing!" Oookay, they were both in love with Edward, after all. The other stared at them in shock and decided to just take their word for it, bt they ddin't seem convinced.
They have that in common with every single member of Twilight Sucks v.3
"So, what now?" The youngest red head asked. "How about we go eat somewhere and introduce our selves." The normal girl spoke, looking around at al of them to see if they agreed.
So redheads aren't normal now. Gingerism! That's the second offensive statement here. This is picking up!
They all shrugged, "Sure, that sounds fine." They said and they al began to walk away to a restaurant with Harry's arm still around ariana's shoulders in a loving embrace.
plz revew
OK, Sammy. If you really read on here; So far this story has been mediocre at best. This is not going to be a classic. Two weeks from now, 99% of everyone who has read the fic will have forgotten what it was even about.
There is very little humour going on, either intentional or "unintentional". In fact, some of the passages were truly dull. There where no "Wham! Where did THAT come from?" scenes to stick in our collective memory.
So here is what I suggest. Just... scrap this fic and start over. This time, don't try to copy what everyone else has done before you. Think of something new. Make a plot we haven't seen before. Toss in some new characters. There are many, many fandoms out there that take themselves too seriously and need a kick in the derrière. Although, if you want it snarked on here, you have to keep Twilight in it. (We do have a non-Twilight fanfic area, but it is not very active.)
And of course: Don't be afraid to write something that isn't a trollfic, either!
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Chibithulhu
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None can resist cuteness.[Mo0:10]
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 18, 2011 18:31:45 GMT -8
Gyah! Burning fail of suckiness.
Yeah, Ariana's even on the lower end of the troll totem pole, since she so unabashedly apes the other trollfics and a lot of her stuff's pretty boring. I mean, sure there's the secret family one and the magical piss, and the Midsummer thing is just horrifying, but she's not that good at making trollfic other than the occasional really disturbing idea.
I recommend some Kingdom Hearts trollfic. Or Pokemon. Or both. SO I CAN RIP YOU TO SHREDS!
... Or, you know, you could actually WRITE SOMETHING GOOD. Your choice, ya know, Sammy.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 18, 2011 18:49:44 GMT -8
... Or, you know, you could actually WRITE SOMETHING GOOD. Your choice, ya know, Sammy.We can always hope.
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 18, 2011 19:00:13 GMT -8
*HP nerd overload pending* Actually, this would be from the movie. In the book, you tap a single brick, whereas the pattern of bricks is movie-based.
Also, GOD THIS THING IS SO LAME.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 19, 2011 1:10:22 GMT -8
Woah, you've been busy ! I'm going to react to what I read as I go, so this post will likely sound like a bunch of nonsense. They began to undress, slowly but surly untill they were just in their underware. Jacob softly kissed her neck, leavuing a trail of drool down to her clevege. Ariana and Harry completely undressed and then they did it right there on the couch in the middle of the thunderstorm, they noise drowning out thier crys of pleasure. Anyone else noticed Jacob appearing in the middle of the sex scene ? I should get the reaction video from NChick's review of Harry Met Sally. What's wrong with those guys ? Aren't they goning to try and fight for the girl they want ? I'm sure beckymac won't sue you for using "Campire", don't worry. I second Chibi. I want a KH badfic to rant about. …Well, at least it's over. I think that "sammy" could write decent stuff, that's the worst thing. At least he's got spelling going for him.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 19, 2011 1:32:06 GMT -8
AAaaarrrrgggh! I did notice Jacob suddenly being there kissing "Ariana", but then I failed to snark it because I got distracted by the vivid and disgusting mental image of the slimy trail it left. Bleh. And I obviously need to re-read the HP series.
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