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Secrets
Aug 30, 2011 21:00:28 GMT -8
Post by aealo on Aug 30, 2011 21:00:28 GMT -8
I'm having HUGE problems with my hormones and it's getting in the way of everything.
My friend Katie writes a bunch of slashfics about me and people from tumblr. >_> I don't ask her to do it, but I still keep them anyway. <_<
I'm a pig, I know.
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Aug 30, 2011 21:11:07 GMT -8
Post by nchaos on Aug 30, 2011 21:11:07 GMT -8
I'm having HUGE problems with my hormones and it's getting in the way of everything. I can relate to this entirely too well. It's caused a lot of huge, massive, nearly-life-ruining problems for me.
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Wreather
Member
L R L R, stop and dash and up and talk, B A B A, S(tart)[Mo0:0]
Posts: 396
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Secrets
Aug 31, 2011 4:23:44 GMT -8
Post by Wreather on Aug 31, 2011 4:23:44 GMT -8
I cry happy tears whenever I see something new released related to something I'm a fan of. It makes me feel kind of pathetic.
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Sherry
Member
I'm a homosexual, not a fag. I don't see people lighting my back end and smoking out my mouth.[Mo0:0
Posts: 744
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Secrets
Sept 2, 2011 1:02:16 GMT -8
Post by Sherry on Sept 2, 2011 1:02:16 GMT -8
I took an online test to see if I had depression. >_> I know I don't, I just have an extremely low self esteem.
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Trueblade
Persistent Member
She's in this bus. You might as well switch lanes. She's crazy.[Mo0:10]
Posts: 1,394
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Secrets
Sept 5, 2011 17:08:02 GMT -8
Post by Trueblade on Sept 5, 2011 17:08:02 GMT -8
I apologize to bugs after I squash them. I mean, it's not like it's their fault they were wandering around on my desk.
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xander
Persistent Member
[Mo0:15]
Posts: 5,525
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 0:33:24 GMT -8
Post by xander on Sept 6, 2011 0:33:24 GMT -8
so i dont really feel emotions anymore right
the only emotion i can fully feel is anger the other one i could get a little inkling of is happiness well at least i thought so until recently ive found a couple things that make me genuinely happy like i can get the full emotion that is happiness from them
theyre my story for one its a part of me so huge a part i dont know what id do if it ended and i no longer worked on it the second one is adventure time it just it just makes me so happy its like being able to have the childhood i never got
not that i can say that i didnt have a childhood to anyone because everyone wouldnt believe me because technically this body did have a good childhood
but i didnt and theyll never understand that theyll never understand that i started out an adult when she died and i was never blissfully unaware or happy i was never innocent and seeing it just gives me that something i never got and will never be able to get ever in my life
its kinda pathetic that such a thing makes me so happy and im probably coming off as crazy but thats okay i dont give a fuck about anything the only person i would care about them thinking me crazy isnt on here so its fine shes the only one that matters besides myself
she makes me happy too like the other stuff but at the same time shes the only one that brings out sad which i didnt even know i had the capacity to still feel
she makes me feel like me and i want her so badly but i cant i would just fuck it up i always fuck everything up when it comes to people that actually matter to me and im gay how can i want her the way i do if im gay it makes me so confused
but i cant help but daydream about it and drawing it and think it and long for it and its tearing me up inside i cant do anything about it shes my best friend my only friend so where do i turn i have to keep this all to myself and keep it under wraps until i get really fuckin high and post is somwhere or another whereshe can t see it
its only aa matter of time though ebfore she sees before she figures it out then itll all be over the best thign in my life that makes me the happist ever and that makes me feel like th person im supposed to b e will be over and done ill have to keep going someowh
maybe i wont cary on at all if shee leavesafter idfck up eal bad like im already doing itll all come crumbling down deventually the good never lastes am i right
i just dont knowwhatt o do anymore theres no were to turn because no singl preson could evr understandand not thin mecrazy with allthis shitoging on with me theres no sue trying to find somebod that will undrstn all of this siat all
maybe im being a whiny bith and itll all get bteter but right now i dontb elieve it so far everything has ju sts been a slow revolvin downard spirla an i dont know howt o stopit fromgettin g anyw orse
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 1:19:13 GMT -8
Post by annaofcrazyland on Sept 6, 2011 1:19:13 GMT -8
so i dont really feel emotions anymore right
the only emotion i can fully feel is anger the other one i could get a little inkling of is happiness well at least i thought so until recently ive found a couple things that make me genuinely happy like i can get the full emotion that is happiness from them
theyre my story for one its a part of me so huge a part i dont know what id do if it ended and i no longer worked on it the second one is adventure time it just it just makes me so happy its like being able to have the childhood i never got
not that i can say that i didnt have a childhood to anyone because everyone wouldnt believe me because technically this body did have a good childhood
but i didnt and theyll never understand that theyll never understand that i started out an adult when she died and i was never blissfully unaware or happy i was never innocent and seeing it just gives me that something i never got and will never be able to get ever in my life
its kinda pathetic that such a thing makes me so happy and im probably coming off as crazy but thats okay i dont give a fuck about anything the only person i would care about them thinking me crazy isnt on here so its fine shes the only one that matters besides myself
she makes me happy too like the other stuff but at the same time shes the only one that brings out sad which i didnt even know i had the capacity to still feel
she makes me feel like me and i want her so badly but i cant i would just fuck it up i always fuck everything up when it comes to people that actually matter to me and im gay how can i want her the way i do if im gay it makes me so confused
but i cant help but daydream about it and drawing it and think it and long for it and its tearing me up inside i cant do anything about it shes my best friend my only friend so where do i turn i have to keep this all to myself and keep it under wraps until i get really fuckin high and post is somwhere or another whereshe can t see it
its only aa matter of time though ebfore she sees before she figures it out then itll all be over the best thign in my life that makes me the happist ever and that makes me feel like th person im supposed to b e will be over and done ill have to keep going someowh
maybe i wont cary on at all if shee leavesafter idfck up eal bad like im already doing itll all come crumbling down deventually the good never lastes am i right
i just dont knowwhatt o do anymore theres no were to turn because no singl preson could evr understandand not thin mecrazy with allthis shitoging on with me theres no sue trying to find somebod that will undrstn all of this siat all
maybe im being a whiny bith and itll all get bteter but right now i dontb elieve it so far everything has ju sts been a slow revolvin downard spirla an i dont know howt o stopit fromgettin g anyw orse Okay. Dude. I'm kind of worried right now. You are typing like you've had a heart attack or something. o.o
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 2:13:49 GMT -8
Post by aealo on Sept 6, 2011 2:13:49 GMT -8
I'm completely void of emotions. I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely happy about anything and I'm not really sad anymore, just empty. Empty empty empty.
Nothing makes me excited anymore and I'm loosing interest in everything.
Like, a year ago bass was my everything. I loved the sound of it, the looks of it, the smooth surface of it, everything. It made me happy and part of the reason I didn't cut so often was because hey, I could play bass, right?
Now I've lost interest in that and it's scaring me.
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xander
Persistent Member
[Mo0:15]
Posts: 5,525
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 9:50:43 GMT -8
Post by xander on Sept 6, 2011 9:50:43 GMT -8
Okay. Dude. I'm kind of worried right now. You are typing like you've had a heart attack or something. o.o Nah...I just end up typing like that when I'm tired.
But in this case I was high. Very very high. (And maybe a little tired, too.)
And upset.
But you know.
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 10:13:52 GMT -8
Post by annaofcrazyland on Sept 6, 2011 10:13:52 GMT -8
Okay. Dude. I'm kind of worried right now. You are typing like you've had a heart attack or something. o.o Nah...I just end up typing like that when I'm tired.
But in this case I was high. Very very high. (And maybe a little tired, too.)
And upset.
But you know.Wait. You were high? o.o Explain, please? I iz confused.
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xander
Persistent Member
[Mo0:15]
Posts: 5,525
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 10:55:50 GMT -8
Post by xander on Sept 6, 2011 10:55:50 GMT -8
Nah...I just end up typing like that when I'm tired.
But in this case I was high. Very very high. (And maybe a little tired, too.)
And upset.
But you know.Wait. You were high? o.o Explain, please? I iz confused. I don't really wanna go into it, but the short of it was that I was high while I wrote that. When I'm not in my "normal" state of mind, I don't really type well. ...At all.
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 11:37:44 GMT -8
Post by annaofcrazyland on Sept 6, 2011 11:37:44 GMT -8
Wait. You were high? o.o Explain, please? I iz confused. I don't really wanna go into it, but the short of it was that I was high while I wrote that. When I'm not in my "normal" state of mind, I don't really type well. ...At all. Oh. Okay, it's alright, it's just... unless it's just weed, it worries me a bit, you know. It's your choice of course.
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xander
Persistent Member
[Mo0:15]
Posts: 5,525
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 12:04:25 GMT -8
Post by xander on Sept 6, 2011 12:04:25 GMT -8
I don't really wanna go into it, but the short of it was that I was high while I wrote that. When I'm not in my "normal" state of mind, I don't really type well. ...At all. Oh. Okay, it's alright, it's just... unless it's just weed, it worries me a bit, you know. It's your choice of course. Don't worry, it would never be anything drug-wise but weed.
And I barely do that, so.
Last night was just a bad night.
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 12:05:41 GMT -8
Post by annaofcrazyland on Sept 6, 2011 12:05:41 GMT -8
Oh. Okay, it's alright, it's just... unless it's just weed, it worries me a bit, you know. It's your choice of course. Don't worry, it would never be anything drug-wise but weed.
And I barely do that, so.
Last night was just a bad night.Okay, that's good to hear. I was worried you were doing heroin or something. >.<
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shiko
Persistent Member
Turn me to ash and give me back to nature. After all, to the universe we are specks of dust.
Posts: 2,029
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 13:42:02 GMT -8
Post by shiko on Sept 6, 2011 13:42:02 GMT -8
I'm scared about highschool.
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TrippedUp
Persistent Member
A dreamer forever and always...[Mo0:10]
Posts: 1,898
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 15:12:52 GMT -8
Post by TrippedUp on Sept 6, 2011 15:12:52 GMT -8
I have a feeling that in my absolute need to please everyone and be the utter doormat I am, Im gonna fuck something up soon.
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Kookie
Persistent Member
geddit cuz im goffik
Posts: 3,151
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 16:22:39 GMT -8
Post by Kookie on Sept 6, 2011 16:22:39 GMT -8
I constantly feel like I'm annoying people just by existing.
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 17:46:56 GMT -8
Post by Melon Collies [Mo] on Sept 6, 2011 17:46:56 GMT -8
I still don't have all my times tables memorized.
Yes, I feel extremely stupid about this every single day. But I manage to always get a passing grade in math.
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Demeter
Persistent Member
You know what you are in the dark...[Mo0:8]
Posts: 4,114
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 19:34:09 GMT -8
Post by Demeter on Sept 6, 2011 19:34:09 GMT -8
^ Me neither. After sevens, I'm clueless (with the exceptions of nines and tens, of course).
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Sept 6, 2011 19:42:21 GMT -8
Post by Melon Collies [Mo] on Sept 6, 2011 19:42:21 GMT -8
^
I only have ones (duh), twos, threes, fives, and tens down. ...damn that made me feel so stupid writing that. ;;
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Secrets
Sept 6, 2011 23:13:03 GMT -8
Post by Aethryx on Sept 6, 2011 23:13:03 GMT -8
I have a little bit of a crush on the movie version of Jacob Black, and I'm ashamed. :\ Keep in mind I never saw anything past New Moon, or read the books.
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Secrets
Sept 9, 2011 19:41:05 GMT -8
Post by Weed Candy (AwesomesauceSoup) on Sept 9, 2011 19:41:05 GMT -8
I have a little bit of a crush on the movie version of Jacob Black, and I'm ashamed. :\ Keep in mind I never saw anything past New Moon, or read the books. Taylor Lautner is not a bad looking person. At all. @thread: I hate feeling second-hand embarrassment. I think it's because, deep down, way deep down, I'm still good at heart and I have a strong need to defend people doing shameful things on camera.
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xander
Persistent Member
[Mo0:15]
Posts: 5,525
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Secrets
Sept 9, 2011 23:23:52 GMT -8
Post by xander on Sept 9, 2011 23:23:52 GMT -8
i'm starting to think maybe it would be for the best if i just lied to myself and stayed a girl
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 12:25:44 GMT -8
Post by nchaos on Sept 10, 2011 12:25:44 GMT -8
i'm starting to think maybe it would be for the best if i just lied to myself and stayed a girl Trust me, it won't be. I tried that. It doesn't work. Trying to live a lie that huge, and that painful, is basically signing an indeterminate death warrant. And I like you a whole lot. So don't do that. 'Cause you're my bro. Hypocritical bawwww commencing. I'm fucking obsessing about my weight and I don't know why. I'm convinced that the scale is broken, even though it's perfectly accurate for everyone else, because it's saying I'm 250. I can't be 250. I look massive, I KNOW I've gained weight, and yet that fucking scale keeps saying 250. I feel like I'm going crazy, I've never been this conscious about my weight in my entire life. I keep looking up freakishly skinny guys, and hating myself for not being able to be that. I'm trying to go without eating as long as possible, and failing because when it comes down to it, I'm just a weak fucking fatass.
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 12:45:49 GMT -8
Post by vampirekites on Sept 10, 2011 12:45:49 GMT -8
@thread: I hate feeling second-hand embarrassment. I think it's because, deep down, way deep down, I'm still good at heart and I have a strong need to defend people doing shameful things on camera.
I hate second hand embarrassment. That's why I can't watch American Idol and it's clones, or reality tv. I don't like watching people make a fool of themselves or being made fun of. I don't take pleasure in other people's mistakes.THIS THIS THIS THIS annnnddddd THIS. Because of my weight problem, I used to look up pro ana sites to get "tips" on how to stop eating. I'm over that now, but I still hate the fact that I can't break my awful habits and continue to sabotage my weight loss goals.
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shiko
Persistent Member
Turn me to ash and give me back to nature. After all, to the universe we are specks of dust.
Posts: 2,029
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 12:51:43 GMT -8
Post by shiko on Sept 10, 2011 12:51:43 GMT -8
I wish I could sing better, I don't want to do anything in my life that demands me to sing for a living. I also get really pissed when I hear a good voice cover of a song on youtube they comment on how 'shitty they sound' makes me mad and feel like I should have thier talent because I would be confident about.
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 12:52:17 GMT -8
Post by dakman the Terrifying on Sept 10, 2011 12:52:17 GMT -8
WARNING: long, retarded vent ahead. I have nobody i can connect to, at all. I can't share anything personal with anybody, because i have the feeling that they will end up telling others, and then i would lose any privacy i may have had. Another issue i have had as of late is how irritable i have gotten. It's almost like talking to certain people puts a drain on me. The only people i can talk to and not get that drain is a friend of mine, and he's off solving mathematical equations that will blow your mind, but somehow i can understand some parts of it (which is weird, considering i failed at math and am currently taking the bare-minimum math class). I feel like no matter what i do, i will always be that annoying weird kid. It's like i am destined to fail at relationships, friend or romantic. And another thing, I am afraid to show my emotions to other people, except for joy (which i will sometimes only simulate), hence why i usually act so cold, and why people perceive me as "odd". I think the reason is because i am a guy, and i have the "men don't cry" thing integrated into my mind. I used to be the kid that always cried, and people made fun of me for it, until i got older and started to repress those emotions. Now all i feel is pain on the inside.
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 13:11:14 GMT -8
Post by vampirekites on Sept 10, 2011 13:11:14 GMT -8
Here's some more secrets that I am SOOOO embarrassed to say that I'll probably never tell a living soul in person:
I usually hate things because it doesn't live up to my standards. And if something I do like hits ones of those road blocks, I either pretend they don't exist or invent new things about it. I also get more joy out of hating something than loving something, hence why I come to this place so often! I really don't have a real problem with Twilight or Gaga or Katy Perry, it's just an outlet to vent instead of dealing with my REAL LIFE problems. I also know exactly how Twifans feel because I obsess about things to an alarming rate, I just don't make it public. I think that's why I have a hard time socializing, because the fantasy of my imaginary life is so much better than facing reality. I get a new obsession every few months, even if it's something so ridiculous. It's usually with famous people, whether it's an actor or band or something. It goes with my fantasy of wanting a better life, having some talent and being better looking. FYI, Rob Pattinson was one of my obsessions. I got over that right quick, however, cause he's a douchebag. These things prevent me from wanting to be with someone because I don't fit my mold and neither does anyone else. I also can't be arsed with people because I'm selfish in a way and don't want to be bothered by their problems. I like being alone most of the time. I know that I'm talented at what I do, I just don't want to do it as a "job". I don't even mind if I don't get paid for it, just to be able to put makeup on people's faces without that nagging sense of "it HAS to be perfect or else". that's what stops me from pursuing it as a career, because I know that people will have high expectations of me and I don't think I can deliver. I've had bad experiences with people during my schooling, and I know they are going to be worse in the actual work field. I also don't like having to go to high end places just for that fact. I hate snobby people and I know I'd want to stab them repeatedly with a brush!
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Secrets
Sept 10, 2011 13:50:22 GMT -8
Post by nchaos on Sept 10, 2011 13:50:22 GMT -8
Mori, I love you.
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