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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 11, 2011 18:23:16 GMT -8
^Don't we all wish.
Hi Reed, Alastor. Hi! So, uh, what's your guys' backstory? Cuz it sounds very interesting.
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 12, 2011 5:23:54 GMT -8
If only we COULD trade Ariana for Erin. I'd approve that trade faster than anything.
Hi there! Ooh, our backstory? It's very exciting! I totally saved Ally's life. I found him bleeding to death in the trunk of a car. =D
Assassins, of course. Every good story needs assassins. And you didn't innocently find me in it, you STOLE the car!
Same difference. So anyway, I saved him and we had ~adventures--
That's his way of saying he tried to turn me into a car thief too.
--and it was all really cool until the assassins caught up with us and realized I was a shapeshifter.
Which was awkward considering the only reason they killed my family was because my dad was one of the researchers in the supposed failed shapeshifter experiment. So them finding a living result from the experiment was...bad.
Yeah, and then I got shot.
That kind of sucked.
I agree.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 12, 2011 8:34:56 GMT -8
Why do you have such awesome stories, but I can't read them ? =(
…Or can we ?
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 12, 2011 9:19:29 GMT -8
^ Eh heh, well, that one isn't even written yet. I'm writing it for NaNo next month. I'm trying to psyche myself up for it since I've been obsessed with writing Eden lately, so that's why I'm snarking with the characters.
If I actually manage to finish it (my track record with writing mystery/thrillers isn't too good. I have a strong suspicion that this story will inevitably end up being more of a dopey romance than the proper dark psychological/government thriller I was going for. Or I might try to make it a zany comedy instead, even though I can't write comedy. FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.) you guys could be beta readers? =3 (Although now that you've met Reed using his real name that kind of spoils one of the big plot twists. xDD; )
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 13, 2011 18:56:35 GMT -8
Oh, you got shot? That DOES suck! Did you survive?
@puzzle: I could try beta-ing, assuming I can find time. Not actually during November, since I'm trying to use Col and Josie's story for my own NaNo. But sometime afterwards, sure!
...Oh gods, under twenty days till it starts and I have almost no idea about the actual plot. HOLY SHIT MAN.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 14, 2011 1:01:43 GMT -8
That NaNo thing sounds like a lot of fun. If I come up with a plot bunny, I may try it too ^_^ Now I need to come up with that plot bunny…
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 14, 2011 1:29:17 GMT -8
I've got one I'm thinking about actually trying... 'bout time it'd get that bunny out of my head.
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 14, 2011 8:17:41 GMT -8
^ Yes, guys, do NaNo! It's fun! This will be my fourth year doing it. And you can write ANYTHING for it.
@ Anya: Well...I'm not actually sure.
Puzzle hasn't decided if she'll let him live or not.
I'd quite like to live.
And considering I've already had my family killed off I'd sure appreciate my boyfriend surviving. >_>
Meanwhile, in Puzzle Land: MWAHAHAHA, BREAK ALL THE CUTIES!
BUT NO, I'M TOTALLY IN THE SAME BOAT. I FEEL YOUR PAIN ANYA. I've got backstory out the wazoo, but aside from a couple scenes, the plot is totally up in the air. I'm just like, "They have adventures...and stuff! And uh...there are assassins! I guess!" That's why I'm sure it's going to turn into a collection of random anecdotes instead of being the serious novel I wanted it to be.
Well, while I'm here I'll snark another chapter. I'm trying to make it to chapter nine, which I've been told will blow minds and melt faces, and not in the good School of Rock type of way.
Someone actually complimented this bullshittery? Actually no. Someone commented and said: "She shat everywhere...?" I guess she thought it was a nice compliment. Wow. She's not even trying to pretend not to be a troll, is she?
Dear god please don't.
*instant attention* The Story of the Vampire Queer? That sound quite a bit more interesting! Can we read that instead?
Yeah, you promised us that last chapter too. I have my doubts.
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED BUT CHOSE NOT TO.
If they're going to continue to have to live with Ariana, I don't think they'll get to continue happy lives.
I've never been to military school, but I doubt if it involves as much lounging as she makes it seem.
...I don't think that's every normal either.
WHAT. They didn't get a replacement teacher for the ONE CLASS that she's going to?
Oh, angst. Angstangstangst.
If it takes you ALL DAY to take a shit, you have problems and need to fix them.
What, so only women can sew now? What kind of sexist bullcrap is this? Calm down Reed, nobody's going to take your sewing machine away from you. THEY'D BETTER NOT.
I'm picturing that princess from Star Wars now. Didn't she have those funky plates in her hair? Either that or maybe I'm thinking of Lady Gaga.
...For the record, it's kind of impossible to sew leaves and twigs. Just saying. PREACH IT.
Oh yes, look at you and your clever pun. Never in my life have I seen such amusing irony.
...This is incredibly creepy. It would be slightly sexier if she was Mark. >.> <.< I'm just saying what we're all thinking.
Who pukes after kissing? This is so gross.
...They are confusing the inquiry into the debt of Bill? Why is there an inquiry into Bill's debts? And why are they confusing it? Forget it Jake, it's Chinatown.
. Should we even bother calling Darth Vader and letting him know his Big No has been stolen again?
Indeed it is bad. If Ariana is scheming, I can only assume it will all cause even more trouble.
...WHY IS SHE ASKING THIS. HE JUST TOLD HER.
My angle. |D
I am really confused right now. 1. Why is it bad for Richard's business if Ariana is found to be a vampire or whatever? That would get him MORE publicity. 2. Damien doesn't even have a business. 3. If Ariana is arrested or whatever for the death of Bill, that would be okay with me. She pretty much let him die.
To stop the inquiry from happening or to stop them from finding out Ariana can see the future?
Lolwut. Is she seriously so lazy that she'll flirt Damien into doing all the work for her? I think so.
When did this turn into a moral-of-the-day afterschool special? Ignoring of course that neither of them are human.
Dude this isn't exactly the time for song-singing. The government is after you! Unless you want to end up getting shot, DO SOMETHING. Listen to Reed. He knows what he's talking about.
She doesn't exactly sound all that excited. >.>;
...What...the...
Does this mean what I think it means.
... ... That was not romantic. That was not sexy. That was creepy, godawful, writing-letters-to-Jodi-Foster insane.
I would be stunned too if someone sang a song like that to me. Then I would grab an Uzi and blow them away BECAUSE THAT SONG HAS MISOGYNISTIC CREEPER ALERT WRITTEN ALL OVER IT.
She really is a complete idiot, isn't she.
Oh, pick me! I can think of a lot of reasons!
I actually understood this one. It says Meanwhile. I feel rather proud of myself now.
WAIT. WAIT, WHAT. MARK IS A VAMPIRE? How does a person forget to mention something like that? She probably just came up with it. I bet he'd still look awesome in a rainbow trenchcoat, vampire or not.
He's sitting on Edward's laugh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Aww. I don't want Mark and Damien to be enemies. I want them to be allies. Really...really close allies.
An incapacitation dance? I would like to learn this! So would I, so I can use it on her.
All I'm saying is that's not subtext. That's just text. Everything is slash text with you. It's kind of what happens when you live inside Puzzle's mind.
No, don't kill him! You're supposed to save him from the sue!
You're doing this whole 'saving' thing all wrong. If you kill him you certainly won't have him back. Unless this is turning into one of those weird necrophiliac horror stories. Please don't give the author any ideas.
The eyes were not happy? My eyes wouldn't be happy either if they were disembodied.
No, I don't like Damien's song. Damien's song is horrible. Damien's song can kiss my ass.
Perhaps the eyes were the window. >3
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 14, 2011 10:44:40 GMT -8
^Yes ! It was obviously Jenny ! I don't even remember who it is… There's a decent chance we never find out. Also, this chapter started my shipping of Mark and Edward. Which leads to some sort of love triangle with Damien.
Well, if you're going to chapter 9… Only two more to go. And if I recall correctly, the next one has a very pleasant — if non-persistent — ending.
On to the Eden now ! =D
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 14, 2011 12:04:46 GMT -8
Yeees, horrible things happening to Ariana is nice.
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 14, 2011 20:52:02 GMT -8
Don't worry Reed, everything turns into slash in my head too.
Josie: We KNOW.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 15, 2011 4:35:31 GMT -8
^Heh. Who here doesn't have the slash goggles on all the time ?
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 15, 2011 5:27:14 GMT -8
I don't!
That's because you're crazy, Jos.
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 15, 2011 18:06:57 GMT -8
Eh, mine lean more towards Yuri goggles, do those count?
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 16, 2011 2:54:05 GMT -8
^Yes ! Slash includes Yuri, doesn't it ?
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 16, 2011 4:51:07 GMT -8
Slash is both yaoi and yuri as I understand it. There is a femmeslash category, but I'm lazy and call it all slash. xD
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 16, 2011 10:55:52 GMT -8
Works for me! ^_^
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 19, 2011 8:10:57 GMT -8
There are people who live their lives without slash goggles? Inconceivable!I used to live mine that way.And what a blessing it was that you met me, then, because the inside of your head must have been such a boring place without constant slash subtext.Welp, it's my day off, MapleStory's servers are down, and I have nothing better to do than snark. So here is chapter eight. Also known as the I-have-no-clue-WTF-is-going-on-anymore chapter. I want a new troll. Someone fetch me a troll! So if it's so boring, does that mean we can go now?No, not yet. The chapter is titled Chupo Ate Cows Of Evil. I'm guessing "ate" is a typo for "are," but even then it still makes no bloody sense. We didn't.I demand compensation!Well Ariana, thanks for spoiling it for us in the author's notes. Evil cows?If this story turns into Ariana dying of mad cow disease, I will take back everything bad I'd said so far.Don't get your hopes up. No, not all right.Who the fuck is Norman?!Maybe she's referring to Stephen Norman, the guy I had a fake crush on in grade school. A fake crush?It's a long story, but it involves the fact that I didn't want anyone to know I didn't like guys, and the fact that I have a thing for red-heads. =3= Ooookayyy......Hey wait a minute, you gave ME red hair!Okay wait, who is Paul again? Is he the security guard/janitor/whoever that guy was who let them in in chapter two? You could just go look it up.I know I could. But I won't. Because I do not give enough of a fuck. Amen!Good god, how many doors must this place have if he actually has to count them to find the right office?Heheheh.Reed...She said orifice.Reed, you are not ten.He entered his orifice. I give up.8DDD Richard is bent over the desk!I'm ignoring you in favor of wondering what Parisians have to do with anything.I guess I'd be angry too if I was trying to work and someone invaded my ori--Please don't finish that sentence.Dirty jokes aside, what exactly does this have to do with anything? Is this a scene from the Omen movie or something? Okay now I'm really confused. What does Bill have to do with anything? I thought Bill was one of their classmates or something. He's one of Richard's employees instead? ...*sighs* Go ahead and say it.He's moaning! While Richard is bent over the desk! In his orifice!BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Nothing about this scene makes any sense.Heheheheh. I see that typo for company.How did he almost lose his job? What does Bill have to do with this? Is this plot relevant at all? AND WHO THE HELL IS NORMAN? Where are they at?I think they're in the Thorne Museum.NO. WAY. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.Because everybody wants to read about the whore of Babylon? ...I feel like I should know who Joan Hart is, but all I can think of is Joan Jett. Good, so it's not just us.I feel like this is an attempt at crack humor. It's not funny.If you can tell something is an attempt at humor, it usually isn't funny.So we're left to never know who Norman is, I guess. For someone who doesn't like screaming and fighting, he sure does scream and start fights a lot.Well, the last time he started one it was because he and Mark were having a lovers quarrel....What, it's what you were going to say anyway.I am so proud of you. ='3Or, you know, she might have had something important to say if anybody bothered to listen. So wait, is it a cow or a crow? Because cows can't peck eyes out. And yet she's still standing?ZOMBIE JOAN.Oh god, now I'm imagining a zombie Joan Smith. Someone get that thought out of my head. A haterfier? So Ariana admits that she's a complete bitch?If only this had been a line in Brewdening Love... Why are we. Talking like. This?...COULD IT BE? HAAAAAALLELUJAH!Oh thank goodness.I have a strong suspicion her death has been greatly exaggerated.Don't say that, I'm in my happy place right now.Supposedly next chapter is the really bad one. I need to go make my body ready.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 19, 2011 9:56:22 GMT -8
Puzzle!snarks ! Yay ! This should brighten my day a bit.
Y'know, I think "Chupo Ate Cows Of Evil" is, in fact, "Chapter Eight: Crows of Evil". The crow part is pretty obvious, and for the rest… Well, I'm just speculating ^_^
And don't worry. No one understands that first part at the Thorn museum. I guess it's from the Omen movie too, but for this fic, it's a complete BLAM. Except for introducing Joan Hart.
…Zombie!Joan Smith ? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 19, 2011 12:31:06 GMT -8
...That actually makes a lot more sense. xD I think you're right. Obviously my troll-to-human translation skills are getting rusty.
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 19, 2011 13:30:51 GMT -8
AAAH! ZOMBIE JOAN! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
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Post by Anya the Purple on Oct 20, 2011 21:32:23 GMT -8
NO! NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO!!!!! Ariana can't get mad cow disease!!!! Cuz Cameron has mad cow disease in Going Bovine, which is a GOOD book that I don't want associated with Ariana!!!
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 22, 2011 12:42:15 GMT -8
^ I apologize for the misunderstanding, it would appear that Ariana actually has Mad CROW Disease, not cow. Which isn't really any better because now I'm forced to associate her with my friend Crow. >.< Anyway, I'm finally at chapter nine! I've been promised that this chapter will make me rage. MY BODY IS READY. I have deliberately avoided all spoilers, so whatever this chapter holds will be a surprise. I'm also letting my snark partners off the hook today. I'll be spending all of next month with them inside my head, so a little break for now won't hurt. FREEDOM!Oh thank goodness.What should we do with our freedom? 8D Get ice cream? Go to Disney? Create fabulous Halloween costumes? Wear our fabulous Halloween costumes while we get ice cream AT Disney?Well, I have a great deal of classwork to catch up on....You manage to look so normal on the outside, too.I kind of want to tackle the rage-causing chapter by myself, anyway, in the style in which I tackled Erin's stuff. So without further ado! You most assuredly do not, I'm still celebrating over how last chapter ended. Actually it was a truck doing the running, but whatever. So there's going to be more than one hospital involved? YAY! ...Sorry, I thought I got all of my happiness about that out last chapter. She's choking her blood back and forth. Wut. How do you even... PANE. GUYS. GUYS, SHE'S A WINDOW. Er...rocks aren't ever really alive, so being dead like a rock doesn't really make any sense. But this is a person who knows how to choke blood back and forth, so maybe I shouldn't ask questions. You ARE conscious you dumbass. By all means hurry along to unconsciousness, (I spelled that correctly on my first try!), because at least you'll shut up for a change. Meh. I guess I won't laugh at that even if it's a foolish thing to think. It's normal to think irrationally as you're passing out. I know this from experience. /o/ HOORAY I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW. Why is Damien suddenly talking about himself in third person? Unless he's saying another guy *cough*Mark*cough* looks hot in the uniform. I'm sorry. Pooples? Oh my god! You're never supposed to take your eye off the Mary Sue, you idiot! You know they can't take care of themselves! She's probably already smashed her face open and lost her arms three times without your guidance. Normally I would be like, "Dude, it's been less than a day since you saw her, chill out." But in this case I've got to concede the point. I get irrational anxiety attacks too when I haven't heard from someone who I'm used to seeing around a lot. It's uncontrollable and it's not fun. And yes, having to sympathize with the Mary Sue's boytoy pains me quite a bit. IS THIS THE RAGING PART? ...Um. ...Are they a couple now or something? I'm assuming Damien is asking this and that Ariana is just an idiot who can't keep her tenses right. (On that note, WHY does every Suefic use first person only to hop viewpoints? There's a thing called THIRD person, it's awesome. Use it, Sueauthors! Or don't, come to think of it, because then we'd have fics full of the kind of crap that The Land of Painted Caves was full of. Don't even get me started. Do I rage now?) They are totally dating, aren't they. Eloquence, ladies and gentlemen. He has it. A car would have been faster. Just saying. Corpses are not beautiful. They're usually gray and squicky. Unless Damien is into necrophilia. I don't know any man who uses the word "pinafore" in his personal narration. Hell, I'm not sure I know anybody of any gender who would use that. Ooh! Perhaps this is the person who was driving the truck that hit her! Hi mystery person! Thank you for running over the Sue. That was awesome. Yellow hair with red streaks? Blue clothes? I-- ...I just saw the next line. FUCKING WHAT?! /SCREAMING. YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY GOING THERE ARIANA. YOU ARE NOT. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. I DON'T EVEN. Wait a minute. He pulled out Marik? Out of where? Like, out of his deck? Marik is a card? Marik is a person! (and yellow hair with red streaks doesn't accurately describe Yugi OR Marik.) NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE. AND I'M STILL SCREAMING. ... OKAY WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MIND CRUSH GIF. I NEED IT NOW. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON BUT I WILL STAB YOU IN THE EYE WITH HEDGECLIPPERS IF I EVER MEET YOU, ARIANA. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRAP OF HORNYS I CAN'T EVEN. If you eat something dead, it's your fault if you puke. Excuse this less than funny joke. It's hard for me to think of anything. No she's not okay. She's dead. THANK GOODNESS. Don't even try to placate me with an lol, Ariana. Don't even try. Or, you know, you could have just called an ambulance yourself and gotten it there faster. That's...not what it's like at all, actually. Sadness and depression are not sexy. Don't even get me started. I will rant for hours. I will not even pause for a snack break. I like this doctor all of a sudden. DAMN IT. I always knew she'd turn out to be okay in the end, but...still, damn it. Anyone who has sixteen broken ribs is not going to be in any condition to SAY, "I have sixteen broken ribs." More likely they would scream incoherently and pass out. I think any idiot could figure out that someone who's been hit by a car shouldn't be hugged right away. This is common sense. YOU DID WHAT?! D| Didn't you learn your hugging lesson from last time?! I sat in the seat of the chair. It swiveled back and forth in its swivelyness. Chair. NO. I NO LIKEYWIKEY. Of all the things you've pulled Ariana, the last thing I expected was for you to suddenly pull Yugioh into this. You messed with the wrong fucking fandom. On the other hand, this suddenly got interesting again. I was thinking about switching fics after this. Maybe I'll keep going after all.
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Post by WolfBloodRei on Oct 22, 2011 13:59:23 GMT -8
And now you know what I was warning you about >_>;;
I tried saving the Yugioh scene in my own snark (LittleKuriboh style), but it was still agonizing in the end. And yeah, things get a bit more interesting after this (despite her killing Yami and Marik). And trust me, she's not done raping fandoms yet.
-gives hugs, brainbleach, and plushies of your choice- God-speed, Puzzle.
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Post by Talys Alankil on Oct 22, 2011 15:04:09 GMT -8
Ah, yes, the Yugioh scene. It gets worse with Yugioh. But at least she's not completely raping a character by turning them into a protagonist or antagonist, like she will do for many other fandoms, so… I guess there's that.
In any case, you'll need brain bleach if you should keep snarking this. And luck. You'll need that too.
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PuzzleChick
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Post by PuzzleChick on Oct 22, 2011 15:32:34 GMT -8
It gets worse? =| HOW? On second thought, don't answer that, it's more fun to be shocked. I think. (Truly, I was not expecting this. I thought I was going to be raging because she'd kill off Mark or say something homophobic. This one legit surprised me.)
Before now I was honestly just bored with this fic, which was what made me want to switch. Now that I've got something to at least overreact to, that makes it marginally more interesting. Kind of like how Erin got boring until Brian showed up.
I'll stock up on brain bleach and forage ahead. /o/
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 22, 2011 17:09:37 GMT -8
Well, let's see... There's more random appearances of other fandoms, the complete and utter failure that is the sequel bait, and... actually, that's about it, but they're both REALLY bad. Like, this is around the point she switches from normalish to the pure, undiluted psycho-troll mode she's been in ever since.
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 22, 2011 20:02:26 GMT -8
Is this when the piss first comes to life?
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Chibithulhu
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Post by Chibithulhu on Oct 22, 2011 20:28:30 GMT -8
No, I think that only started with her Glee obsession. But that'd require me to check the other stuff. *Shrug* I think she started trolling around this point, got bored and dropped it for a while, then picked stuff up again when she saw Rei snarking her stuff and Anya started leaving comments. Only now she's overcompensating and won't stop. *To lurking Ariana* By the way, let us know if you aren't seriously writing this stuff and thinking it's post-worthy! I'd start by using a spell check and adhering to canon!
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Tigeranne
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Post by Tigeranne on Oct 22, 2011 21:25:25 GMT -8
Well, her two last deviations were surprisingly coherent. For her very low standards, at least. There were several sentences in a row with no errors!!!
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